Author: Kate Sloan

Protocol Diaries: I’ll Have What They’re Having

Kate Sloan

Wouldn’t it be great if you could order your ideal sexual experience off a menu? Well, in certain sex work contexts you can… but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about here.

For a couple months or so, my partner and I have been using two shared notes in our Notes app to basically do exactly that. It’s a communication tool that has helped us both, particularly in these stressful times when it can be hard to drum up the energy for good sex, let alone good, clear, useful communication about sex. The two notes are called the Sex Menu and the Porn Menu, and I’ll talk about them both here incase any of you find this idea useful and want to “yoink” it for your own sex life. (All credit goes to Matt for inventing these innovations – I’m blessed to have a spouse just as sex-nerdy as I am, and much more tech-nerdy than I am, who comes up with inventive and sexy usages for things like the Notes app!)

 

The Sex Menu is a checklist of all the sex and kink acts that my partner and I do regularly, ranging from the tame (kissing, breast stimulation, oral sex) to the wild (watersports, electrostimulation, ruined orgasms). As I’m the more submissive/bottom-y person in our dynamic, usually I fill it out to give my partner a sense of all the things I’m up for during a particular session, so that they don’t have to individually ask me about each and every thing they’re considering doing.

However, sometimes we switch it up by having them fill it out so that I can then go through it and uncheck anything I definitely don’t want to do. I tend to have more limits and limitations than my partner does, just due to the nature of our differing brains and bodies, so this works best for us, though of course you can adapt it to suit your particular dynamic.

This tool is especially wonderful for those of us who have a hard time asserting our boundaries and/or stating our desires; it gives me a way to express those things without feeling like I’m being rude, demanding, or overbearing. It also helps remind me of all the acts and toys I tend to forget about; on a stressful day I might not remember that a wax-play scene could help reduce my anxiety, until I see wax on the list and go, “Oh yeah! That could work.”

Because I have a chronic pain disorder, we keep a spot at the top of the Sex Menu for me to fill out my pain level du jour and the locations of the pain. This gives my partner a clear picture of what my body might be capable or incapable of on a particular night. Communicating about my pain can be difficult for me, especially when I feel I’ve been complaining about it a lot lately (which is usually the case these days, tbh), so I like having a built-in spot to describe it; it takes the pressure off me to be my own proactive health advocate.

 

The Porn Menu is another document, in which one of us will prepare a set of links to 2-3 porn videos for us to watch together before having sex. I have found shared porn-viewing to be a super useful pre-sex practice for me this past year, when pandemic stress has made my already-finicky libido even tougher to coax into action. Since my desire is responsive (à la “dual-control model of sexual response” as laid out in Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are), I usually need a little help – or a lot of help – to get turned on, and porn has almost always been a big source of that help for me.

My partner and I are both not the biggest fans of mainstream porn with high production values, and tend toward buying clips from indie creators instead. (Pay for your porn if you want porn to keep existing!) Usually we’ll try to match up our porn choices to what we’ve selected on the Sex Menu, so if I said I want oral, I’ll look for cunnilingus porn, and if I said I want to be fucked with a dildo, I’ll scroll through dildo porn sites – you get the picture!

 

Used in tandem, these two “menus” help me and my partner get on the same page about the sex we want to have, and get turned on together even when our lives are stressful. They’re also a reminder that sometimes the simplest communication tools are the best ones!

 

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at MyPornAdviser – feel free to check out their Anilos review if you’re curious about MILF porn! As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

7 Great Reasons to Read Sex Toy Reviews

Kate Sloan

The statistics are in: sex toys have gotten many of us through the pandemic. Sex toy sales are up as much as 600% (depending on whose stats you trust), and anecdotally, it seems that those of us whose toy collections were already large have not only spent time revisiting and enjoying what we already owned, but have, in many cases, expanded our collections even further. (Guilty as charged!) Whether you prefer wholesale sex toys mega-sites like SexToyUnion or just window-shopping at your favorite local erotic boutique, there’s something deliciously uplifting about buying a new sex toy, if it’s your first-ever or even your 1,000th.

I always tell people who are curious about a toy to read the reviews of it. Not just the toy company’s on-site reviews, which are sometimes fabricated and/or very selectively curated – I’m talking about sex toy bloggers’ reviews. I swear I’m not just saying that because I am one of those bloggers – I, too, read multiple reviews (if available) before buying any new toy. While not all bloggers are scrupulous or ethics-focused (and they don’t necessarily have to be – it’s their blog and their life!), many are, and you can oftentimes find more truthful details in a single sex toy review blog post than in a whole slew of bland, insincere 5-star on-site reviews.

Here are 7 reasons you might want to read sex toy reviews more often…

 

1. To help you make a purchasing decision for yourself. There are just too many sex toys out there for you to automatically know what’s good and what isn’t. Trust me – I’ve been in this biz nearly a decade, and while I have a pretty good radar for when a toy will satisfy me or disappoint me, there’s just no way to know for sure, but reading reviews often leads me in the right direction.

Pro tip: look for bloggers whose tastes mirror your own. Many disclose this on their About page or in their reviews. If you know you like intensely pinpointed clitoral stimulation and very slim penetration, for example, you’re probably not gonna get much value from the reviews of a person whose pleasure comes primarily from huge dildos and broad massage wands – although you may still find them plenty entertaining!

 

2. To help you make a purchasing decision for a partner or friend. I have done this many times, in part for the reason discussed above: my tastes are different from other people’s, so if I have a loved one who wants a new sex toy but has vastly different preferences (or anatomy) than my own, reading reviews is the best way for me to figure out if it’ll work for them.

When a close pal asks me for a toy recommendation, generally I’ll do a diagnostic process of sorts, asking them about toys they’ve tried in the past (if any), why they liked or disliked those, and what they’re hoping to get out of a new toy. That gives me a useful filter through which to devour sex toy reviews searching for something that’ll make them happy.

 

3. As foreplay for using the toy. Anyone else do this?! Sometimes when I’m gearing up for a masturbation session with a toy I love, I’ll read other people’s reviews of it, to remind me of what’s so great about it. It’s sort of like reading movie reviews as “foreplay” for seeing the movie – which is to say, some people will hate it because it’ll spoil their experience or influence their perceptions, but some people will love it because it’ll increase their enjoyment of what follows.

 

4. To learn about new features or uses of a toy you already own. Sex toys have gotten so high-tech that many have functions you may not know about, even if you’ve used yours several times. Do you know how to turn off the Smart Silence mode on your We-Vibe Wand? Enable the travel lock on your Fun Factory Big Boss? Loop vibration patterns on your Lovense Lush? Sex toy reviews can often help you learn stuff like this. (Not mine, though, tbh – I have long been burned out on writing up technical details of a toy, and am much more focused on language and narrative since I’m a pretentious artsy fucker – but there are lots of reviewers who write about toys with fantastic amounts of detail, like Felicity from Phallophile Reviews and Cy from Super Smash Cache.)

 

5. To learn about your body. Especially if you have little experience with sex toys and/or masturbating, you may not have a 100% clear sense of why you like or dislike particular toys. I know that it took me years of exploration and research to learn, for instance, that overly aggressive G-spot stimulation without proper warmup feels awful to me, or that buzzy vibrations make my clit want to die.

Like movie critics and music critics, seasoned sex toy critics are armed with contextual knowledge that enables them to describe why a particular toy is good or bad, or at least why some people might love or hate it. Comparing their observations to your own firsthand experiences can teach you a lot of useful lessons about your wants and needs when it comes to sex toys.

 

6. To keep up with trends in the industry. If the sex toy world interests you, but you’re not on the inside of it (i.e. receiving press releases from random vibrator companies on the regular and avidly reading the trades with your friends), it can be hard to keep up with what’s going on in that sphere. It’s like how music critics always seem to know what album is gonna change the world when it drops in a few months, while the rest of us are still listening to our favorite playlists from high school. (No? Just me?)

Learning about the latest and greatest in the sex toy industry is not only interesting – it also helps you make wiser purchasing decisions. For example, you’d be forgiven for thinking high-quality body-safe toys are automatically expensive, because for many years, they were – but reading sex toy reviews regularly can show you that the industry has shifted and now you can get safe toys at a reasonable price.

 

7. For entertainment value. Many sex toy reviewers, like my friend Epiphora or the wonderful Girl on the Net, are very funny! Many are also able to tell compelling stories in the form of a sex toy review (I’m thinking especially of Girl on the Net’s review of the We-Vibe Nova 2, written immediately after her long-term relationship ended, which was far more about the breakup than the toy). I actually think a lot about how to make my reviews interesting not only as reviews but as pieces of writing unto themselves. It’s tricky, but it can be done, and a lot of my favorite pieces of sex writing exist in this space between criticism and entertainment.

 

Why do you like to read sex toy reviews?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Dream Outfits for Post-Pandemic Travel

Kate Sloan

It would be an understatement to say that I miss traveling, and I know I’m not alone in that. In an era when the farthest that most of us can safely venture is the local grocery store, it’s only natural to daydream about dreamy destinations you hope to jetset to, one day when it’s possible to do so.

In that spirit, here are 4 outfits I’d dearly love to wear if I was able to visit these wonderful cities…

 

London, England

In doing a little research for this article (i.e. furiously googling “how do Londoners dress??”), I looked at plenty of photos of well-known London party girls like Alexa Chung and Kate Moss – and while world-class supermodels obviously aren’t a perfect encapsulation of their home country’s overall fashion sensibility, they did give me a clue. When I think of stylish English women, I mostly think of timelessly cool pieces, the kinds of classics that could just as easily have been rocked by Vivien Leigh in the ’50s as by Sienna Miller in the oughts.

…But of course, I had to put my own spin on this look, because working in the world of sex, I’m much likelier to hang out with quirky sex journalists and elite escorts in London than supermodels or businessladies! That’s why I went with a pink-hued Michael Kors trench coat instead of a classic tan one. This pale blue Valentino ruffled blouse adds a touch of British classiness to my usual wacky style, and I love the idea of tucking it into this pretty pink satin-jacquard skirt, which was designed by Alexa Chung and reminds me of English roses.

Navy tights would keep my legs toasty as I wandered around, and the ubiquitous combo of matching Hunter wellies and umbrella would keep me dry (I hear it’s a rainy town!). My bag of choice for a London trip would be a navy Coach Rogue, because it’s structured, smart, and roomy enough to allow for just about any eventuality.

 

Paris, France

There are so many clichéd ideas of “how French girls dress,” as if the whole female population of France is a monolith. A lot of the tropes of supposedly French style are about “effortlessness,” a concept I’ve never much liked when it comes to getting dressed. My outfits are effortful and I don’t mind people knowing that!

A striped boatneck shirt is about as quintessentially French as you can get. I don’t want to rock mine with perfectly-fitted vintage stovepipe jeans like so many French “it girls” seem to; I’d rather tuck it into a long skirt, comfy enough for strolling through the Louvre all day but fashion-forward enough that I wouldn’t feel out of place shopping on the Champs-Élysées.

This leather motorcycle jacket is by Valentino but I’d just as soon sling one on that I bought at a vintage shop and re-conditioned myself. Cat-eye sunglasses are the ultimate in cool, and these black leather Strategia ankle boots add a little toughness to this otherwise feminine-leaning look. A red quilted Yves Saint Laurent bag would be a dreamy addition, appropriate for the setting. Of course, I’d finish off the ensemble with a classic red lip, and a red beret to match. (The internet assures me it’s only tourists who wear berets, not actual French people… but hey, there’s nothing wrong with being a tourist!)

 

St. John’s, Newfoundland

I’ve wanted to go to Newfoundland forever and would love to take a road trip there with my love after all this is over! The most striking thing about photos of its capitol, St. John’s, is how vividly colorful all the houses and buildings are against the bright blue sky. So of course, I’d have to rise to the occasion, outfit-wise!

This sunny yellow polka-dotted Dorothy Perkins dress is ideal for strolling up and down St. John’s hilly streets, and a prim blue cardigan would mitigate the windchill while also making me look like a Canadian Zooey Deschanel. Cute red leather flats and a blue crossbody bag round out the primary-colors motif, while this silly yellow wide-brim hat would make me instantly spottable in a crowd, even from across the bay.

 

 

Florence, Italy

When I spent some time in Rome a few years ago, I wished I’d brought more fancy clothes with me. It just wasn’t the same as vacations I’ve taken to more casual towns like New York or Portland; I felt underdressed in my simple cardigans and sparkly crop tops.

This red dress by Kate Spade is the sort of thing I’d love to wear to an upscale Italian restaurant for some classic Florentine cuisine, with a structured black leather jacket tossed over it. While I’m not normally much of a heels girl, these black leather Jimmy Choo stilettos would help me walk the streets with confidence (provided I could deal with all those cobblestones). An alligator bag and jaunty porkpie chapeau would top it all off, along with the must-have red lip. That’s amore…

 

What vacations are you looking forward to taking, if/when it’s possible again for you?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Selling Nudes Scares Me, But I Do It Anyway

Kate Sloan

The first time I ever sold a nude photo wasn’t like a first kiss or a first fuck; it didn’t stick in my memory that concretely, a fully-fledged moment recalled with multidimensional sensory details. It was much plainer than that. Probably some random person sent me a DM, I pulled a list of rates out of my ass, they picked what they wanted and sent a payment, and I scrambled to snap some nervous nudes in my attic bedroom. Not exactly an auspicious start, but hey, it’s something.

Looking through amateur porn galleries always wows me. These people are so brave. I know sometimes “You’re so brave!” is slung condescendingly at people who have chosen unconventional paths, even when they’ve chosen those paths out of necessity rather than courageousness – but I really do think anyone who makes porn of themselves and puts it on the internet is braver than most of their fans will ever even realize.

I know this because my own nudes are available for purchase and it is simultaneously one of the most empowering things I’ve ever done and one of the scariest. Most laypeople’s main worry, when I mention that there is porn of me on the internet, is how it might affect my future employment opportunities, but I feel pretty firmly that that ship has sailed: I’m not going to go into childcare or politics, and I’m not trying to write for conservative publications, so on that level it doesn’t really matter that you can find pics of my genitals online.

No, the thing that still scares me most about being publicly naked is the sheer vulnerability of nudity itself. The likelihood of people saying (or thinking) mean things about my body. The way that internet commentators sometimes speak with such unearned authority that their criticisms creep coldly into my brain and stay lodged there, overriding any calming compliments from loved ones.

But as prevalent and understandable as these fears are, I also know that I have overcome them before, and I can do it again.

When I went quasi-viral a few years ago for writing an article about how some abusive men twist feminist rhetoric to get women to trust them, I was hounded by misogynistic trolls for weeks. They sent me death threats, told me to kill myself, left cruel comments for me across multiple platforms. I was scared for my physical safety. But one of the things that snapped me out of my fight-or-flight daze was seeing these men mock photos of me in a strap-on. They spoke as if this was an inherently disgusting sight, like they didn’t even need to explain why it was grotesque to see a chubby woman looking happy and confident while strapped into pink leather and wielding a glittery dildo. And I laughed and laughed, because… I looked hot in those photos. People whose opinions I actually cared about had told me so, and I thought so myself.

If this was really the best they could do – telling me I looked stupid and gross in a photo where I looked verifiably happy and hot – then they had no real power over me. They had tried to humiliate me and had failed. The spell was broken.

I was reminded of the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I have a lot of problems with this quote, most notably that it contributes to victim-blaming rhetoric when survivors get understandably upset about being objectified or harassed or assaulted. But, I do still think that your attitude about your own victimization can contribute to (but isn’t at all solely responsible for) how you end up feeling about that victimization. And since these trolls were sad weirdos whose rage toward me was probably borne from resentments they held toward women they actually knew in their actual lives, rather than being due to anything I’d really done or said, it felt relatively easy to shrug off their bad-faith attacks once I’d seen that they really had no ammo.

I was proud of the things they wanted to shame me for. I loved the things about myself that they claimed were worth hating. My life was full of love and sex, despite their projected insistence that someone like me could neither deserve nor acquire either of those things. Their arguments had no teeth, no real impact, no basis in reality. What they were saying was far more about them than it was about me, and that had been true the whole time.

It still makes me nervous every time I hit “publish” on a new batch of nudes. But it helps to know that all the arguments I’ve ever heard for why I shouldn’t post them are essentially meaningless. I’m not trying to get an office job. I don’t give a shit about impressing misogynist trolls. No decent partner of mine would ever be threatened by me being naked in public. And most crucially of all, although I have my bad body image days like everyone else, I know ultimately – in my heart of hearts and pussy of pussies – that my body is beautiful and worth celebrating. The “someone just bought your nudes!” notifications that show up in my inbox are just one of the many pieces of evidence proving that to be so.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

My Blog’s Turning 9 & I’m Doing an Online Concert to Celebrate!

Kate Sloan

Friends, this coming Saturday marks NINE YEARS since I created this blog and wrote my first post on it. I was nineteen years old – basically a baby – and envisioned that Girly Juice would be a fun summer project. I had no idea it would become essentially my full-time job and the source of many of my most important opportunities, projects, and relationships. Thank you so much for being with me on this journey, however long you’ve been reading – it honestly means the world to me. 💖

To celebrate 9 years in the sex blogging biz, I’m playing a livestreamed concert this weekend, Saturday, March 27th at 7 p.m. Eastern. Here are the details…

 

Q. Where can I tune into the show?

A. On my YouTube channel. Click that link and hit the “set reminder” bell if you want to make sure you won’t forget!

 

Q. What will happen during the show?

A. I’m going to play some songs on my ukulele – some relatively recent, some throwbacks unearthed from my high school singer/songwriter days. This is the first show I’ve headlined in any format for 3+ years and I’m so excited to share some tunes with you! Other things that might happen: poetry readings, sneak peeks of my upcoming book(s), conversations with my spouse about sex blogging, answering questions from viewers, sampling delicious cocktails, giggling.

 

Q. Is there a ticket fee?

A. Nope! Totally free. However, if you want to do something nice for me as a “congrats on blogging for 9 years” gift, you can buy my music on Bandcamp, buy my sexy pictures/videos here, preorder my first book, and/or make a donation in my honor to a rad organization I believe in, like the Bail Project, Trans Lifeline, SWOP Behind Bars, or the Bad Dog Theatre.

 

Q. Will it be recorded for me to watch later if I can’t make it?

A. Probably not, because I want it to feel as singularly special as the live shows I used to love playing IRL. But there’s tons of music on my YouTube channel if you want to see me play at a time that works better for you!

 

Q. What should I wear?

A. Wear whatever you like – this isn’t a conservative family Zoom call, it’s a sex blogger’s YouTube concert! – but if you feel inspired to do so, feel free to dress up for the occasion in something fancy, sparkly, kinky, and/or velvet. Tag me if you post your outfit on social media – I wanna see!

 

Hope to see you this Saturday, babes 💖