Behind the Seams: XOXO 2024

August 21st, 2024

I had to take two flights back-to-back, spending a grand total of 12 hours in airports and airplanes each way, to get to XOXO Fest 2024. But it was worth it.

I last went to XOXO in 2019, when my spouse, mb, introduced me to it. It’s “an experimental festival for independent artists who live and work online” – hey, that’s me! – and brings together writers, podcasters, designers, musicians, and filmmakers (among many others) from around the world. It involves social meetups, conference talks from smart people about the wisdom they’ve accrued on the internet, demos of cool games and art projects, and (famously) raucous karaoke parties.

The pandemic was not kind to the events industry, however, so there hasn’t been an XO for five years. This latest one, in 2024, was the final one, equal parts reunion and last hurrah. I knew I had to be there, and was really blessed that both mb and I were able to get tickets.

I wore this out for dinner at Canard (always good, highly recommend) after arriving in Portland late on Wednesday night. Lately when I travel, I’ve enjoyed packing clothes that all match each other and go together, for the maximum number of viable outfit combos – so you’ll see throughout this post that I’m decked out in blues and greens, which incidentally matched the decor of our hotel beautifully!

What I’m wearing:

• Green polka-dotted dress – thrifted in 2015
• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag – vintage on eBay
• Rainbow earrings – an Etsy store called 3DelightfulShop


August 22nd, 2024

On this day, we got a delicious brunch with our pal DJ Pynchon from the hypnokink community, who is lovely. Then I spent a good portion of the afternoon soaking in a tub in our hotel room, letting my fibro-ridden body recover a bit after all that travel.

In the evening, we had dinner with my friend Epiphora, one of the people who initially inspired me to become a sex toy reviewer many years ago. She is, as ever, brilliant and funny.

Then we went to the XOXO opening party for a while, before I ducked out to go play some songs at an open mic at Haymaker Bar, thanks to my very talented and sweet friend Eric who had invited me. Definitely an unusually packed day for me, but such is the nature of travel sometimes!

What I’m wearing (you’ll have to ask mb yourself if you want to know the deets of her fabulous outfit here):

• Green tri-blend tank top – American Apparel
Turquoise pleated skirt – Zhanchtong
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
• Navy knee-high socks – gift from my mom
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag
• Magic Wand earrings – an Etsy shop called FUELifestyle


August 23rd, 2024 (morning)

The first full day of XO started with a welcome address from “the Andys,” Andy Baio and Andy McMillan, who organize the conference. (All hail!)

After checking in with the delightful pen-and-paper nerds at the #stationery meetup, we attended a few sessions from the Indie Media Circus lineup, hearing from creators and founders about how they’ve built reader-supported projects that seem more sustainable than the current (dying) mainstream media apparatus.

My love had just gifted me this shirt, a souvenir from WWDC. I love the vintage Apple logo – and the rainbow, of course, which matched my earrings perfectly!

What I’m wearing:

• Apple T-shirt – gift from my spouse
• Black modal nightgown – Calvin Klein Sleepwear
• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag
• Turquoise leather collar – Tiffany’s, a gift from my love
• The ever-stylish and ever-present XOXO badge/lanyard


August 23rd, 2024 (evening)

After the Indie Media Circus, I went back to the hotel for another bath, so I’d be refreshed for the rest of the day, which was mostly social meetups. I didn’t attend as many this year as I did in 2019, because I was trying to pace myself, energy-wise – but I caught up with mb at the #queer meetup, where we chatted with some cuties, and then we walked over to Rum Club for the #cocktails meetup, where we chatted with yet more cuties. (The piña colada I had was quite possibly my favorite drink of the whole trip.)

Then we grabbed a quick dinner at Mucca Osteria before heading back to the beautiful Revolution Hall to catch the evening’s “Sideshow” programming, which was a series of live podcast recordings. I think my favorite was Never Post, although Depths of Wikipedia was hysterically funny as well.

What I’m wearing:

• Floral-print skater dress – American Apparel
• Apple Watch with Hermès watch band – both from my spouse
• Same cardigan, leggings, bag, boots, earrings, and badge as above


August 24th, 2024 (morning)

A slightly more subdued outfit for the final day of XOXO! This was the actual conference day, so there were a ton of fascinating talks given by total geniuses.

My favorite talks included Gita Jackson on worker-owned and subscriber-funded media, Erin Kissane on the COVID Tracking Project, Ed Yong on compassionate health & science coverage, and Cabel Sasser telling a wacky story about a mural on the wall of a McDonald’s that left me laughing, sobbing, and wanting to make more art. XOXO really is a magical place.

During our lunch break, mb and I went to Dimo’s Apizza for a wonderful pepperoni pie and a couple of Negronis in the sunshine. A perfect day.

What I’m wearing:

• Pale blue T-shirt – gift from my friend Sarah
• Blue cashmere cardigan – J. Crew
• Navy high-waisted skirt – Old Navy
• Black leggings – Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather Coach Willis bag
• Magic Wand earrings – FUELifestyle


August 24th, 2024 (evening)

I managed to squeeze in one more quick bath before heading out to the XOXO closing party. It ended exactly how it should’ve ended: with the two Andys doing karaoke to the Ghostbusters theme. (In 2019, the music podcast Punch Up the Jam did a legendary live show at XOXO where they talked about the Ghostbusters theme for an hour and a half. In my admittedly marijuana-soaked memory, it is the funniest thing that has ever happened, so I was glad to see a callback to it all these years later.)

I danced. I giggled. I sang along. I felt grateful to have gotten to attend XOXO (twice!). I felt inspired to wear more weird outfits, make more weird friends, and post more weird art on the internet. Thank you for that, XO staff & community. 💖

What I’m wearing:

• Blue and green patterned dress – Winners, I think? The label says Maggy London
• Same cardigan, leggings, boots, bag, badge, collar, watch, and rainbow earrings as above

Review: Funzze Finger Vibe (& why accessible sex toys are great)

More companies should make sex toys that people with disabilities can use, because accessible sex toys are just better – and not only for folks with disabilities, but for everyone. Let me explain.

My spouse once gave a talk about accessibility in software, in which she described the curb cut effect: the phenomenon where features developed to be disability-friendly will end up benefiting a much larger population, too. Think, for example, of how an automatic sliding door can improve accessibility for people who use wheelchairs or mobility scooters, while at the same time, making it easier for able-bodied people to walk through the door if they’re, say, carrying two armloads of groceries, or wheeling their child in a stroller.

By that same token, I’m strongly in favor of more sex toy companies developing products that are accessible to all kinds of people, because we all benefit from those types of design choices, sometimes even in unexpected ways. Let’s talk about one such case, the Funzze Finger Vibe.

What is the Funzze Finger Vibe, and why is its accessible design potentially beneficial for everyone?

Funzze’s got quite a wide catalog of products, but the Finger Vibe caught my eye immediately, because it looked like it would be comfortable for me to hold, even on days when my hands are aching from fibromyalgia. It’s shaped like a fairly standard clitoral vibe, except that it has two little “wings” on the back which allow you to hold the toy between two fingers easily, without needing to apply much pressure to keep the vibe anchored in your hand. This could make this toy potentially much easier to use than standard clit vibes for people who struggle with muscle strength/mobility issues and/or chronic pain in their hands, myself included.

That being said, even if you’re able-bodied and able-handed(!), you can still find value in toys like these. Anyone seeking an “unobtrusive” toy, a toy that lets you forget you’re even using a toy, might consider getting a finger vibe – because once you’re accustomed to how the toy feels in your hand, it can (sometimes) feel like you’re just touching your partner (or yourself) the way you normally would, but with some vibration magically infused into your touch. It can be a much more intuitive and “natural”-feeling way of working some vibration into the mix.

But to sum up the actual specs: the Finger Vibe is a rechargeable, silicone and ABS plastic vibrator with 9 vibration settings.

Things I like about this toy

  • First of all, I feel like I need to mention upfront that it costs THIRTY DOLLARS. That’s a steal for a decent and versatile rechargeable vibe, and I have to keep its price point in mind when assessing it.
  • I really like the design of it, on both visual and tactile levels, from the stylized silicone “wings” that remind me of butterflies, to the shiny plastic heart panel just below them, to the way the toy feels in my hand. It’s comfortable, cute, and cool. My hand never gets tired from holding onto it, and it’s easy on the eyes, too. The wings have enough flexibility that they should be able to fit a broad range of finger sizes, and they’re designed in such a way that I almost never lose my grip on the toy.
  • Specifically, I really like the contoured shape of the part that goes on your clit (or whatever other pinpointed body part you’re aiming this toy at). It’s well-shaped for the purpose and allows me to hit my clit without needing to hold my labia out of the way, as some flatter vibes require.
  • Crucially, the button is placed in a location that actually makes sense. I’ve previously tried a vibe very similar to this one, which had a button in a hard-to-reach location that required me to use my other hand to press it, every single time. With this one, the button is located comfortably within reach of my middle fingertip when I’m holding the toy, but it’s tucked out of the way just enough that I never hit it by accident.
  • It’s waterproof, which is always great. I could see this toy being a fun addition to shower sex, for people who are into that, because the grippy silicone wings would help it stay in place between your fingers. (Funzze’s website describes this toy as giving you “easy, no-slip control, even when wet and frantic.” Now that’s good copy, baby!)

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • The biggest issue, unfortunately, is the motor. It’s buzzy, i.e. the vibrations are higher-pitched and more surface-level than I’d prefer, so I end up feeling a bit numb after a minute or two, and the orgasms are never as satisfying as they would otherwise be. However, stroking the vibe up and down or in circles, as if it were a vibrating fingertip (which is probably the intended way to use it), mitigates these effects to some extent – and I do have to point out here again that this toy costs thirty dollars, so I understand why the motor’s not exactly heavy-duty.
  • While there are 9 vibration settings, only the first 3 of them are steady vibration, and the jumps between them are jarringly wide; the next 6 are patterns, many of which are distractingly erratic. You have to cycle through all 9 settings to get back to the first one, a personal pet peeve of mine.
  • Despite the button’s good placement, I sometimes find it too difficult to press with one finger, which can negate some of the toy’s accessibility at times.
  • It’s a little on the loud side, as buzzy vibrators tend to be, especially on its highest setting.

 

Final thoughts

If they put a deep, rumbly motor in the Funzze Finger Vibe, it would earn an immediate upgrade to the top drawer of my nightstand, and would probably stay there for a very long time. The design of this toy is sleek and thoughtful, and I find it comfortable to use most of the time, which I can’t say for a lot of vibrators.

For all its sexy unobtrusiveness in size, shape, and ergonomics, though, its buzzy motor and notable noise level put a bit of a damper on things.

But for $30, I think the Finger Vibe is a fair deal, and I always love to see more companies making sex toys that are accessible to a wide range of people – accessible not only in terms of disabilities, but also in terms of finances. And to that end, this is a highly heartening little vibrator that I think could add some buzzy pizzazz into a lot of people’s sex lives, without breaking the bank – or their fingers.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Mr. Hankey’s Toys “Perfect Penis”

Look, if you name your dildo the “Perfect Penis,” I’m gonna be curious about it.

I dig realistic dildos, so I was already intrigued by this one from the name and picture alone. But then I read this, in the product description on the Mr. Hankey’s website (emphasis mine):

The dimensions of our Perfect Penis dildo are tailored using Artificial Intelligence, a unique approach to dildo design in the market. Our A.I.-driven process considers a vast array of studies on preferred penis size, leading to a selection of dildos in various sizes with the ideal balance of length and width — a distinguishing feature that positions us as a cutting-edge leader in realistic dildo manufacturing.

I was confused about this at first, because every study I’ve ever read on penis size preference has indicated that average-ish dimensions tend to be most people’s ideal (which makes sense), and this toy has pretty comically large dimensions by contrast, as is par for the course with Mr. Hankey’s. So I emailed them for clarification, and my contact at the company told me that the small size of the Perfect Penis (6.5″ insertable length, diameter ranging from 1.4″ to 1.6″) was designed based on A.I.-compiled statistical averages of preferred penis dimensions from around the world, and the larger sizes of this toy are scaled-up versions of that.

What with A.I. being such a hot-button issue right now, this seemed like a topically relevant dildo to review 😂 Let’s see whether it lives up to its name…

Customization options & what I chose

The Perfect Penis comes in 4 different sizes, ranging from S to XXL. I already own plenty of realistic dildos in what one might call a “reasonable” size range, so I wanted to go a little “unreasonable” with this one, at least for my own orifices. I went with the medium size, which has an insertable length of 8″ and a diameter ranging from 2″ to 2.25″.

There are 4 different firmness options for this toy, and I decided on the “medium firm” one, because I wanted it to feel comparable to an actual erect dick.

There are also a whopping 25 different color options (including a few skin tones and a bunch of zanier shades), and I chose silver.

There’s also the option to get a Vac-U-Lock-compatible hole in the bottom of the toy, incase you want to use it with fucking machines, etc. that use the Vac-U-Lock system. I omitted that feature on mine because I don’t anticipate using it that way.

Gotta love a balls close-up

Things I like about this toy

  • I was nervous about the size at first, but with proper warm-up, I can handle it and it feels wonderful. I don’t really consider myself a size queen per se – my favorite dildos are spread far and wide across the size spectrum – but I do sometimes crave being filled up, or feel like fantasizing about archetypal big-dicked alpha bros or whatever, and having a truly massive dildo in my collection for those occasions is great. As with many flesh-and-blood dicks, this one is slightly slimmer at the tip than along the rest of the shaft, which makes insertion somewhat easier.
  • The medium firmness is A++. I generally prefer dual-density silicone for realistic dildos, since with those, you get the satisfyingly firm core and the comfortably squishy exterior, but this one is single-density and I think the medium firmness strikes a good balance. It can be a little uncomfortable as my vag stretches open upon first inserting it, but it allows for gratifyingly hard pounding when I’m warmed up enough for that, and having something hard to squeeze around makes my orgasms more intense.
  • Some dicks have a coronal ridge that makes you truly appreciate the genius of nature for designing the coronal ridge at all, and this dildo makes me feel that way too. The ridge is just dreamy, especially in this medium firmness and when doused in lube. It strokes across my whole front vaginal wall and can also provide more targeted G-spot stimulation if I aim it there. (As for A-spot stimulation, this dildo is less adept at that because it’s simply too thick to snuggle up in there, but it can pound that general area, which – given its many other pleasurable features – is good enough for me.)
  • The surface texture all along the toy is hyper-realistic, and stimulating without being overstimulating. If you like super veiny/textured dildos, this one might miss the mark for you because its texture is relatively subtle, but I like that it provides a tiny bit of “drag” against my vaginal walls without being uncomfortable.
  • I love the balls! They’re not just cute; they’re practical, too. This toy’s hefty base makes it much easier to use hands-free, since I can wedge the base of the dildo between my body and the bed and just rock against it while I use a clitoral vibe.
  • Undoubtedly the silliest thing on this list: For months, I have kept this dildo on my desk and used it daily as a stand for my phone. I set the phone upright on the balls and lean it against the shaft. This allows me to see when any texts come in, etc., without the phone constantly falling over from the vibration of every alert, which was an issue I previously had. It can also function as a stand for my iPad mini (see below), e-readers and books, and so on, which is genuinely useful for me as someone who’s frequently referring to various materials when writing. I’m seriously going to keep this toy on my desk and continue using it this way (when I’m not using it, y’know, the other way…) because it’s the perfect addition to a sex writer’s setup 😂

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • Almost anything I could write here would just be a matter of personal preference – it might be too big for some users, too firm, too realistic, etc.; you can decide for yourself if it sounds like it’d be up your alley (so to speak). The only more substantive drawback worth mentioning, IMO, is that this is quite heavy for a silicone dildo, as you might expect from looking at it, and so it’s not always easy for me to thrust it with my sore hands/arms. But, as mentioned, it can be used more-or-less hands-free, so that’s not too much of an issue.
  • Oh yeah, and it might be too heavy to comfortably use in a strap-on. You could give it a shot – the company suggests a 2.5″ O-ring – but I think the balls would become an issue.
Face for scale!

Final thoughts

As an advocate for body-positivity, I try not to use phrases like “perfect penis,” myself – not only because they can make people feel bad about their bodies for not living up to whatever I declare as “perfection,” but also because what is “perfect” for me will not be perfect for you, and vice-versa. Mr. Hankey’s says this right on the product page:

Understandably, some won’t find this to be their Perfect Penis, and if you are this person, please browse our website, as there is bound to be a Perfect Penis for everyone in our shop.

That being said, the Mr. Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis is certainly a beautiful cock, one that would look equally at home on an ancient Greek erotic statue as it would swinging between the legs of a modern-day porn star. It feels fantastic, too, like an over-the-top caricature of penile penetration. Do I always want sensations that intense? Fuck no. Do I want ’em real bad when I do indeed want ’em? Fuck yeah. And the Perfect Penis can deliver.

This is the third Mr. Hankey’s toy I’ve reviewed over the past few months (check out my previous reviews of the Captain’s Hook and Oni) and I’ve been super impressed with all of them. They are high-quality, beautifully designed, and exquisitely customizable. They have a dildo for pretty much any fantasy you can dream up, from getting railed by a sex robot to riding a banana. It’s lovely to see a company delighting in creating such beautiful, pleasurable toys. They may not be “perfect,” but each one is somebody’s version of perfect, and that’s really the important thing.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Your Partner is Allowed to Watch Porn

A frame from the movie Infinity Baby, which is not a porn film but does have a premature ejaculation scene starring Kieran Culkin, so there’s that

Every single day on the /r/sex subreddit, people post about their porno woes. Sometimes these relate to their own porn tastes or habits, but often they relate instead to a partner’s viewership of porn.

A common manifestation of this might be something like:

A while ago, I walked in on my partner masturbating to porn. I got really upset, and told them I have a personal boundary that my partners aren’t allowed to watch porn because I find it so upsetting. Then, later, I snooped in their phone and found out they’re still watching porn, even after I told them to stop! Clearly they’re a porn addict who doesn’t love me or respect me. How do I get them to stop?

Even setting aside some of the more glaring issues (like, for the love of all things holy and good, do NOT look through someone’s phone without their permission!), I have a few issues with this type of thinking, and I want to break those down today.

 

1. Your partner is allowed to masturbate.

Period. Full stop.

If you’d prefer a relationship style where your partner is not allowed to masturbate – and, crucially, if that is also what your partner would prefer – then I’d suggest looking into the consensual chastity community, and carefully negotiating the limits of your dynamic, including safewords. Exploring sexual fantasies together can be super fun!

However, outside the realm of consensually-negotiated orgasm-control dynamics, your partner is allowed to masturbate, regardless of how you may feel about it. They have the right to bodily autonomy, as do you, and relationship status has no effect on that inalienable right. If this makes you uncomfortable, point #4 on this list may be especially useful to you.

 

2. Porn is part of masturbation for many people, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that.

Porn boosts arousal, helps engage our brains so we can focus more on pleasure (which can be extra useful when life/the world is stressful), expands our erotic imaginations, and is just simply fun to watch. People who jerk off to porn are no different from people who jerk off to erotica, fantasies, memories, photos of partners/hot celebrities/etc., steamy TV shows like Bridgerton, spicy romance novels, or any other arousal-boosting mental stimulation of any kind. And there are porn categories that stretch far beyond how porn is often depicted and thought about: it’s not all horrific, chauvinistic or unrealistic (besides which, it’s totally possible for a kinky porn scene to embody some or all of these qualities and to have been made with the full, informed consent of everyone involved – Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex series is a good example).

Plus, porn is a really wonderful thing for a lot of people, both on the viewing side of things and on the production side of things. It’s how many kinky people first mentally explore their burgeoning desires; it’s how some trans and non-binary people first see themselves represented as sexy and desirable; it’s a source of income and a creative outlet for many marginalized creators.

As for “porn addiction,” it’s a moralizing, pathologizing term that’s been applied to a wide range of behaviors, ranging from totally normal levels of porn usage to more extreme/compulsive usage. In any case, it’s not really a useful label and also not a true addiction in the clinical sense. I’m not an expert on this side of things, but would recommend you check out Kris Taylor’s work on this subject if you’re curious about it. There are definitely plenty of people who use porn to a compulsive or unhealthy extent – in which case it might be seriously affecting their employment, relationships, mental health, and so on – but I think most accusations of “porn addiction” (even self-inflicted accusations) are largely based on puritanical moralization, not reality.

 

3. Boundaries are rules you set for yourself, not for other people.

You’re the only one whose behavior you can control, so you’re the only one you get to set boundaries for.

Here’s an example of a boundary:

I find it triggering when I find out that a partner of mine has watched porn, so until I’m able to work through that issue, I choose not to date people who watch porn because I find it too destabilizing at the moment. When I find out that someone I am dating watches porn, I respectfully end the relationship.

Here’s an example of something that is not a valid boundary, because it focuses on controlling someone else’s behavior instead of your own:

I find it triggering when I find out that a partner of mine has watched porn, so anyone who is partnered with me is not allowed to watch porn. When I find out my partner has watched porn, I won’t necessarily end the relationship, but I will get angry or upset with them for having violated this rule I set, even if they didn’t agree to it or didn’t even know about it.

Own your boundaries. Understand that boundaries are about you and your actions.

 

4. You will be happier when you work through this shit

This is really the most important point I always try to convey to people who are uncomfortable with their partners’ porn usage. While it’s never made me uncomfortable for my partners to watch porn, there have been some other, totally normal-and-fine things that have sometimes triggered jealousy, anxiety, or insecurity in me when partners do them – and the healing work I’ve done in therapy, in order to work through these issues, has revolutionized not just my romantic relationships, but my entire life. I am a much, much happier and more stable person for it, and my relationships have improved as a result.

I’m definitely not saying that therapy is easy, or that everyone can access it. I really wish everyone could, or everyone who wanted to, anyway. There are methods of self-reflection that may be useful even if therapy is inaccessible for you, like journaling about the roots of your anxieties or even using therapeutic techniques from Internal Family Systems (Jay Earley has a book called Self-Therapy about this).

I’m also not saying that therapy is the solution to all ills in a relationship. If your partner is abusing you, mistreating you, ignoring you, deprioritizing you, etc., you’re allowed to be upset about that, you’re allowed to communicate about it, and you’re always allowed to end the relationship. When I have trouble discerning between a thing I actually should be mad about, and a thing that’s actually totally fine but that I’m mad about because of my own issues, sometimes I’ll ask a friend or another outside observer what they think.

As ever, these are all just my opinions; you can take ’em or leave ’em, ’cause it’s your life. But when I see someone fretting over their partner’s totally normal porn-viewing habits, I see someone who has the potential to be happier someday, if they view that anxiety as a thread to pull, a road to follow to its fraught source. It’s not easy, it’s not fun, but it is freeing as hell. And it means you can watch porn together, which is hot. Seems like a win-win to me.

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I 🍑 New York: My Favorite Sex-Nerdy Spots in NYC

Outside the Museum of Sex on Magic Wand Day earlier this year

Ah, New York. What is there to say about this city that hasn’t been said already, by Frank Sinatra or Joan Didion or, hell, even Carrie Bradshaw?

I’m not a New Yorker myself (yet!) but my spouse is, and I am awaiting a green card that will allow me to move there, something I’ve low-key wanted to do ever since my first visit to the city at age 9. It’s a city known for tourism (an industry that had an economic impact of $74 billion last year!), and I myself have visited there 20 times in the last decade, sometimes staying weeks or months while visiting my partner – so while I’m far from an expert, there are many places in the city that I adore. People frequently ask me for recommendations when they’re visiting either Toronto or New York, and I’ve already written about Toronto extensively, so let’s talk about my other favorite city, and what I’d recommend there for sex nerds like you and me!

 

Bluestockings

Described as “New York’s only queer-, trans- and sex worker-run bookstore,” this is a fantastic shop, not only in terms of what they carry but also in terms of what they do for the community. (For instance, they were unfairly threatened with eviction in 2023 for distributing life-saving naloxone kits and fentanyl test strips to people who need them.)

Whether you want to learn about grassroots activism movements, queer art, trans joy, the history of NYC escorts, or just lose yourself in some kinky poetry, this is the place to go.

 

Lady Konfidential

Located on the 12th floor of an office building on West 57th St., this store used to be called Eve’s Garden before it rebranded, and it was the first feminist sex shop in the United States. A woman named Dell Williams founded it in 1974, after having a terrible experience at a Macy’s department store, where a male sales associate shamed her for buying a vibrator. (You can hear more about this in episode #3 of my miniseries Making Magic!)

It’s always fun to visit various different sex shops and see what they choose to carry, but this one is particularly interesting since it’s literally a piece of sex toy history. And they carry my favorite lube brand, Sutil, even though Sutil is a Canadian company, which makes me like them even more.

 

The Leather Man

Gotta love an old-school fetishwear shop with a basement full of sex toys! It’s clearly a must-visit.

The Leather Man is on Christopher Street, surrounded by a lot of gay history, including the Stonewall Inn, so it’d be a good pitstop on a queer-themed tour of the city. And the Magnolia Bakery is a few blocks away, incase you want cupcakes for aftercare. 😉

 

The Museum of Sex

Located on 5th Avenue, this institution is exactly what it says on the tin: a museum of sexual culture and history. Some of their exhibits are (I believe) permanent, including some displays of vintage vibrators – but most are short-term exhibits that come and go. I’d always suggest looking up their current offerings online before buying tickets, because they’ve been hit-or-miss for me in the past – but by and large, I tend to have a good time when I go here, and always come away with some new knowledge to ponder or a new fantasy to consider.

Their gift shop, located in the lobby, is also a pretty well-curated sex shop, carrying many toys, lubes, and novelties. I still find it kind of baffling that they stopped carrying (most?) books a while ago, since they’re a museum, but hey, what can ya do.

 

House of Yes

This is a performance venue in Bushwick, but that’s sort of like saying the Eiffel Tower is a building in France… It has to be experienced to be understood!

Their circus-themed shows are my favorite ones I’ve been to; people do all kinds of wacky burlesque, aerial acrobatics, poledancing and more. The audience gets really raucous and there’s always tons of cool queers everywhere. They also hold parties of various kinds here, including sexy ones 👀

 

What are your favorite sex-related spots in New York City?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.