50 Non-Pandemic-Related Questions to Ask People on Dating Apps

My #1 online-dating pet peeve is bad conversational skills. It doesn’t exactly bode well to begin an exchange with someone you presumably hope to impress by merely saying “Hi.” Sure, maybe that works in a bar setting, where a person can get an immediate, at-a-glance sense of your vibe/style, but a Tinder inbox requires more from you than that. To be interesting, you have to be interested.

That said, we’re at a strange moment in history (to say the least) where “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” can come across as oblivious or even insensitive. (How the fuck do you think I’m doing, Chad??) But you also don’t want to veer too far into commiseration land, because the trials and tribulations of quarantining are not exactly fun, fresh, flirty conversation fodder. So what’s a modern dater to do?

I’ve come up with 50 questions you can ask someone on your dating site/app of choice that have nothing to do with the pandemic situation. Sure, it might come up in some people’s answers, but only if they want to go there. Asking fun questions in your opening message is always a good idea, but particularly so at a time like this when everyone wants a dose of escapism and connection – that’s probably why they’re looking at their dating-app inbox in the first place. Try some of these and let me know how it goes!

  1. What’s the best piece of advice anyone ever gave you about [romance/business/creativity]?
  2. What song or album are you obsessing over right now?
  3. What’s your favorite memory from childhood?
  4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
  5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up, and how does that relate to what you do now?
  6. Who is the most famous person you have met?
  7. What’s an outfit you feel amazing in and why?
  8. What’s the best thing you know how to cook or bake, and how did you learn to make it?
  9. What’s a movie you wouldn’t necessarily say is your all-time favorite, but that you love nonetheless?
  10. What’s a weird inside joke you have with a friend and how did it start?
  11. What’s a common misconception about your job?
  12. What was the last book you read, and did you enjoy it?
  13. Do you feel like you’ve found your “life purpose” yet?
  14. What country would you like to move to if you had the chance?
  15. When was the last time you did something that made you nervous?
  16. Did you have any weird hobbies when you were a kid?
  17. What’s your morning routine?
  18. What’s your favorite holiday?
  19. What is the wildest lie you’ve ever told?
  20. What’s your favorite scent?
  21. Who would you consider a hero of yours and why?
  22. What do you keep on your nightstand?
  23. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
  24. What part of your body do you like the most?
  25. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?
  26. What would you do with your time if capitalism was abolished?
  27. What’s your favorite word?
  28. What role does social media play in your life, and how do you feel about that?
  29. What’s your favorite thing about your home?
  30. What celebrity do you think would make a really great roommate?
  31. Which fictional character do you most identify with and why?
  32. What’s a piece of media that can reliably make you cry?
  33. What’s a task most people don’t like doing that you actually enjoy?
  34. What do you think will be the biggest technological innovation in our lifetimes?
  35. If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
  36. What’s an item of clothing you wish you owned?
  37. What makes your best friend so terrific?
  38. What’s the last problem you solved?
  39. What’s one of your hidden talents?
  40. What’s the most athletic thing you’ve ever done?
  41. What’s a social rule or expectation you totally ignore?
  42. What’s the most common compliment you receive?
  43. What’s the best kiss you’ve ever had?
  44. If you were going to start a podcast, what would it be about?
  45. What’s an out-of-character decision you’ve made recently?
  46. What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever worn?
  47. What’s something you love, without really knowing why you love it so much?
  48. What’s a bad habit you’re trying to break?
  49. What’s the fanciest event you’ve ever been to, and what did you wear?
  50. What question do you wish more people would ask you?

Le Wand Keeps Copying Other Companies’ Sex Toy Designs

Top: Le Wand Hoop. Bottom: Njoy Pure Wand.

I know we all have bigger problems right now, but… have you noticed that the “premium” sex toy brand Le Wand has been blatantly stealing designs from other, more established companies in the industry?

Left: the Magic Wand Rechargeable. Right: the original Le Wand.

I’ve been suspicious of Le Wand from the beginning. I reviewed their original wand and noted that it “borrowed” heavily from the design of my beloved Magic Wand Rechargeable, which industry titan Vibratex had launched a couple years earlier. Although Le Wand’s founder Alicia Sinclair boasted in interviews that her new wand was “a stylised, fresh, and sexy approach to an all-time best-selling sex toy,” it appeared (and still, to this day, appears) to be an outright copy of the MWR.

It’s the same shape and size, the buttons are placed in the exact same spot and laid out in the exact same way, and it even uses the same unusual two-pronged charger as the MWR. The only significant things Le Wand actually changed are the aesthetic (and honestly, despite Alicia’s insistence that the Le Wand’s “elegant design” is better, I prefer the look of the original), and the motor, which – compared to any Magic Wand product – is abysmally buzzy and just not up to par, last I checked.

Alicia Sinclair’s next foray into toy plagiarism was the Cowgirl, a rideable vibrator and obvious knockoff of the Sybian. I’ll give her a pass on this one because – as I noted in my review – I do think the Cowgirl actually innovates in some ways, namely: luxe leather casing, all-silicone attachments, and handles on the sides that make the toy easier to carry. Still, though, it’s clear that Alicia Sinclair, or at least the companies she founds, have a habit of claiming to “improve” classic sex toys while mostly just riding the coattails of those toys’ success.

Le Wand’s latest misstep is their new line of stainless steel dildos. Anyone who’s paid attention to the sex toy industry any time within the past ~15 years could tell at a glance that these toys are blatant rip-offs of those made by Njoy. Legendary dildo designs like those of the Pure Wand and Eleven have been shamelessly copied and renamed the Le Wand “Hoop” and “Contour,” while the other 3 toys in the steel line aren’t direct clones but are nonetheless still stylistically derivative of Njoy’s. I happen to know that Njoy toy designer Greg DeLong has a mechanical engineering degree and spent years prototyping and reworking his various designs – only to have other companies remorselessly steal them out from under him.

Top: Le Wand Contour. Bottom: Njoy Eleven.

Yes, other companies besides Le Wand have ripped off Njoy designs before. Of course they have: these toys are hugely successful and famously effective; everyone wants a piece of that action. And notably, Njoy doesn’t seem to have a patent for their designs, so this is stealing in the ethical sense and not the legal sense. But Le Wand’s plagiarism hit me harder when I saw it, because this isn’t some cheap two-bit company appearing out of the woodwork; this is an established sex toy company that positions itself over and over again as both luxurious and innovative. How can you claim to be either of those things in good faith if you’re fully stealing designs from a company that is actually luxurious and innovative?

One of the troubling things about all this (there are many) is that Alicia Sinclair’s other company B-Vibe actually fucking rules. They make – among other things – butt plugs that use rotating beads to create a “rimming” sensation. While other toymakers have used rotating beads before, in rabbit vibes and – yes – butt plugs, the B-Vibe plugs’ sleek designs, excellent motors, and surprisingly good remote-control capabilities set them apart. Could B-Vibe be the one actually good and actually original idea this group of companies ever had? [Edited to add on 4/24/2020: Someone called LadyPseudonymia on the SexToys subreddit has since pointed out to me that B-Vibe’s line of “Snug Plug” weighted butt plugs appears to be lifted almost exactly from the Mr. S Leather “World’s Most Comfortable Butt Plug.” (That link is very NSFW, FYI.) Here’s a comparison image. So I guess I was wrong about the B-Vibe line being the most original of this group of companies’ products.]

Some would say I shouldn’t be so hard on Le Wand because lots of sex toy companies steal designs. (Have you seen Satisfyer’s flagrant copies of Fun Factory toys?) The type of person who makes this argument seems to see plagiarism as par for the course in any creative field. But it really isn’t, or at least, it doesn’t have to be. There are enough genuinely inventive sex toy designers out there making cool new stuff every year that I really don’t buy arguments about how “everything is derivative” and “we all steal from each other.” Sure, every creative person in every field is borrowing slightly from things they’ve seen before – that’s the nature of the human brain – but that doesn’t entail, or require, stealing full designs down to the tiniest details. There is no excuse for that level of dishonesty and exploitation. If you don’t have any new ideas for sex toys, you probably shouldn’t start a sex toy company!

Le Wand as a company doesn’t seem all bad – they’ve sponsored friends and colleagues of mine who do important work, and have hired my brilliant pal Eva as their resident sex researcher (yay!). But if they really want to be an ethically good company, they’ll apologize for stealing toy designs, stop selling those copied toys immediately, and produce only original designs from here on out. But they won’t do that, because their business model is predicated on “innovating upon” – by which I mean, poorly duplicating – successful toys that have come before.

Left: Le Wand Deux. Right: Crave Duet.

Is there anything you can do about this? Absolutely. You can stop supporting companies that steal designs, and tell your friends and partners to follow suit (possibly by sharing this post to your networks!). You can notify these companies, via email and/or social media, that you’ll be boycotting them and telling others to boycott them until or unless they right their wrongs. You can ask your favorite sex toy retailers not to carry brands that steal designs (although, adult-industry retailers need to make money and the small/indie ones usually struggle to do so, so I wouldn’t necessarily push them too hard on this). You can buy toys directly from companies whose original designs have been stolen, like Njoy and Fun Factory. Voting with your dollar has actual, practical effects; we’ve seen sex toy companies slow the production of toxic toys due to consumer outcries, so maybe we can achieve similar ends with regards to design plagiarism.

As for me, I won’t be supporting Le Wand, personally or professionally, until they pull their copycat toys and apologize for their misdeeds. But I’m not exactly holding my breath.

 

[Edited to add on 4/29/2020: I don’t currently have any business affiliations with Le Wand or any of its sister companies, but I should disclose that their company Cowgirl gave me a free press tour of its Museum of Sex exhibit in 2018. All the toys I’ve reviewed from Le Wand/B-Vibe/Cowgirl were either supplied to me by a retailer for review or bought by me/my partner.]

30 Fun Things to Do When You’re High

Happy 4/20, friends. I don’t know how many of you are, like me, lucky enough to have access to weed if you want it, but if you are, here are some things I have found are fun to do while baked as fuck. Give some of ’em a shot today if you like!

  1. Listen to beautiful music. Ideally with good headphones and while you’re not doing anything else. Just focus totally on the music and feel it in your body.
  2. Watch people perform methodical tasks on YouTube, such as making cocktails, cleaning workboots, or applying a full face of makeup.
  3. Read a children’s book you love, for the nostalgia and the pure childlike glee of it.
  4. Take a shower and really revel in the sensations. Bonus points if you have wonderfully-scented soap or body wash.
  5. Go for a walk and appreciate nature. (While maintaining social distancing, of course.)
  6. Masturbate decadently, with toys and lube and self-administered foreplay. The whole nine yards. You deserve it!
  7. Listen to a hypnosis file. Some people find that drugs and alcohol hinder their ability to focus and thus to go into trance, but some others find that trance combines well with intoxication. Find out which camp you fall into!
  8. Write love letters to your favorite people. Don’t send them until you’ve sobered up and can make rational decisions about whether or not it’s a good idea to do so – but you may find that the words and feelings flow more easily in an altered state.
  9. Pursue pain, whether through a little light scratching and pinching of your own skin, or through a full-on S&M scene with a partner. I find that pain feels much more pleasurable when I’m high.
  10. Wear your comfiest loungewear and enjoy the way it feels on your skin.
  11. Think about God. Do you believe in a higher power? What are your reasons for holding that opinion? How would your lifestyle change if your theological beliefs changed? These are interesting questions to mull over, even if you’re staunch in your religious views (or lack thereof).
  12. Sing or play music. Karaoke tracks are easy to find online and are ideal for this purpose.
  13. Watch stand-up comedy. Everything is funnier when you’re high. The stand-up section on Netflix is a goldmine; James Acaster’s absurdist specials are faves of mine.
  14. Moisturize. Mmm, luxurious.
  15. Read a fascinating and long piece of journalism, the likes of which you might find on Longreads.com. Let yourself get absorbed in the story.
  16. Dance to great music. I recommend Reverie Sound Revue and Robot Science.
  17. Cook an elaborate meal, if you think you’re level-headed enough to be trusted in the kitchen.
  18. Journal about your feelings, recent events in your life, things you’ve been thinking about lately, and so on. Sometimes drugs can help you access a deeper, more authentic self than regular life tends to allow for.
  19. Do yoga or stretch. Feel how the weed makes the sensations register differently in your body.
  20. Sit and look out a window, contemplatively and at length, like you’re a sad boy in a Victorian-era novel. We so rarely spend time just being quiet with our thoughts these days.
  21. Watch videos of baby animals. No explanation necessary.
  22. Make art. Pull out your paints or pencils or tablet or what-have-you. If you’re feeling uninspired, start by picking a random object in your room to create a likeness of.
  23. Play a video game, especially one with beautiful graphics. Virtual worlds can feel extra immersive on drugs.
  24. Talk on the phone with someone who is also high. It’ll either be really weird or really funny or both.
  25. Eat snacks. “The munchies” are very real.
  26. Take sexy selfies for you and/or a sweetheart to enjoy later.
  27. Put on a cam show, either for your sweetheart or in a more public venue like FireCams. (Just be sure that this is something Sober You would’ve wanted to do, too!)
  28. Watch a really dramatic TV show like The L Word or Westworld and allow yourself to get swept up in the ensuing emotions.
  29. Answer questions on Reddit in subforums like /r/AskReddit, /r/AskWomen, or /r/Sex. (You can make a new account to do so anonymously if you prefer.) This activity typically requires some self-reflection, which weed’s creativity-boosting properties can help facilitate.
  30. Focus on your breathing, in a meditative manner, for as long as you like. Notice the thoughts that come up.

How are you spending your 4/20, friends?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How the Vacation Mindset Can Make You a Better Flirt

When you’re stuck at home, like so many of us are right now, it’s hard not to start planning what you’d like to do when you’re allowed to go out again. Or, more accurately, when you’re allowed to go back out into a world that has regained some modicum of normalcy.

Along these lines, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about a book I read and reviewed a while ago, The Offline Dating Method by Camille Virginia. The book presents tips and techniques for striking up a conversation with a hot stranger in public, and then parlaying that conversation into a date or even a relationship. While the book seemed fun and frivolous (in a good way) to me when I read it, it seems even moreso now, when an in-person meet-cute seems as remote and perilous a possibility as a hookup on a mountaintop. But it’s a nice notion to ponder, when daydreaming optimistically about what will happen when public life reopens for business.

One of the many concepts I’ve retained from Camille’s book is her idea of the “vacation mindset” – the state of mind you get into when you’re visiting an unfamiliar place. Camille argues that being a fish out of water can help you shake off your stale old self-image and slip into something a little sexier, flirtier, flashier. It’s the reason I’ll often chat up bartenders in cities I’m unlikely to visit again, despite almost never doing that at home; it’s the reason I’ll smile at strangers on the street in Portland or Montreal but rarely Toronto; it’s even the reason I looked into Los Angeles escorts when I visited Burbank earlier this year. (Unfortunately, constraints on time and money ruled out that last one!) Being in a new place makes it easy to imagine being a new person – and even to move toward becoming that person.

See, if you feel trapped in an identity that is shy, reserved, and afraid, it’s easier to move away from those traits when no one around you actually knows what kind of person you are in your “regular life.” This was an exciting notion to me when I entered high school, for example, because I fully intended to cast off my long-outgrown plainness and step into a more fulfilling self-image – and I did! But the thing is, you don’t actually have to enter a new context in order to access this effect. You can trick yourself into embodying the vacation mindset without ever leaving your city.

I find this easiest to do in neighborhoods I don’t often visit, because – like when I’m on vacation – I have the sense that I’m unlikely to see the people around me very often, or ever again, in the future. You could strike up a convo with a barista at a café across town from you, for instance, or get to know the person sitting next to you at a comedy club you’ve never been to before. This helps create a sense of “having nothing to lose” which I find very freeing in social interactions. You can still fuck up this type of encounter, obviously, but if you do, you can just apologize and then disappear forever from the life of the person you’ve weirded out, like a socially awkward Macavity.

These types of seemingly low-stakes interactions can be good practice for higher-stakes ones. You’re building up your confidence, sure, but you’re also building up your mental picture of the type of person you want to become. Even if you feel like a nebbish nobody for most of the week, feeling like a fabulous flirt for even one night can give you a foothold into that mindset – and maybe one day you’ll be that charismatic charmer all the time!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Excellent Excuses to Dress Up In Your Own Home

I’m sure that, like me, you’ve been reading a lot of conflicting advice online about how to stay stuck at home without totally drowning in despair. Some people say, “Put on lipstick and real clothes every day so you feel put-together and normal!” while others say, “Wear pajamas and skip shaving for as long as you want – shit’s hard right now and you should be gentle with yourself!”

The thing is, both of these perspectives are correct. Lounging around in sweatpants is necessary and uplifting, at some times and for some people. So is dressing to the nines.

With that in mind, here are 5 excuses to put on a fancy/cute/weird outfit, even if you don’t plan on leaving your house for the foreseeable future – because I know that some of you, like me, are of a persuasion that enables fashion and beauty to lift your mood and bolster your confidence. You don’t need an excuse to get dressed, but if you want one, I’ve got some for you!

Attend an online event

A few friends of mine have been loving the nightly opera streams currently offered by the Met, and I can’t imagine an online event better suited to be dressed up for, especially given how fancy people usually get to attend the opera. You could wear a sequinned gown, a velvet suit, a long and flowing skirt, a giant fascinator in your hair… Whatever feels elegant and dressy to you!

That said, there are lots of other online events worth dressing up for, albeit not necessarily as formally as you would for the opera. I recently enjoyed attending a Risk livestream; there are online queer dance parties, literary panels, film festivals, and much more. These are relatively easy to dress for because you can just ask yourself, “What would I wear if I was attending this event IRL?” and then wear that.

Host a gathering

We’re entering the era of the Zoom party! May as well have a good time if we have to be stuck at home. Invite several of your favorite people to an online event. This, blessedly, usually takes less planning and preparation than an in-person rendezvous, and also enables you to invite people you don’t normally get to see because they live in different cities/countries/continents than you.

You could hold a get-together to mark your birthday or some other significant occasion. You could also just pick a theme (which often makes it easier to choose an outfit) and have a party for the heck of it. Toast to your shared circumstances and have a good time!

Do a photoshoot

If you’ve got extra time on your hands, as many of us do right now, you may as well spend it feeling sexy and documenting your cuteness! (Check out my post on at-home exhibitionism for more tips along these lines.) Put on something you don’t often get to wear, but that you feel amazing in – like a set of fancy lingerie or a hot leather jacket – and set up your phone or camera to take some self-portraits. Post ’em or don’t – it’s up to you.

Should you happen to be self-isolating with someone else who also wants to participate, you could take some snaps of each other. Hell, if you want, you could even schedule a time to video-call a similarly dolled-up friend and the two of you could take screenshots of one another while you strike various poses. Anything to distract you from the constant barrage of bad news, right?

Roleplay a sexy scenario

This is, of course, easiest if you happen to be holed up with a partner – but you don’t have to be. You could make plans to Skype your sweetie for a costumed teacher/student roleplay, for example, or tell your polycule to dress as various different superheroes for a fanciful group FaceTime call designed to devolve into an exhibitionistic touchless orgy.

You could even incorporate your medium of communication into the roleplay itself; for instance, sometimes my partner and I talk on the phone pretending I’m a hysteria patient who’s called in to a medical hotline for advice and guidance. You don’t have to let our current era’s limitations hamper your erotic imagination!

Put on a performance

There are a lot of jokes going around right now about the proliferation of Instagram Live broadcasts, but frankly, if reading the Twilight novels aloud to an online audience or casually painting while chatting with your followers is what gets you through this tough time, I say go right ahead! It’s probably a nice escape for the people tuning in as well.

Slither into a satin dress to play some ukulele tunes on Facebook. Don your best goth ensemble to perform some of the Stephen King oeuvre on YouTube. Bust out your tutu for an impromptu ballet show on Instagram. Fuck the haters; dressing up and performing are fun, and may well be helpful to the folks watching.

And hey, if you want to put on a sexy show, there are plenty of ways to do that, as you probably know… This Cirillas Fleshlight review and my review of the Vixen Bandit are great places to start if you’re looking for sex toys that help with a wee bit of exhibitionism!

Have you been getting dressed much lately? Any good outfits/stories/pieces of wisdom to share on the subject?

 

Heads up: this post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.