Behind the Seams: Besotted in Boston

September 21st, 2018. I always get anxious about travel. It can be an anxiety-provoking thing for anyone, but it’s particularly become a trigger for me since I missed a flight a couple years ago due to a transit miscalculation. So when my Sir picked the outfit he wanted me to wear to the airport for my flight to meet him in Boston, he chose an ensemble he knew I’d feel comfy in: leggings, boots, and a shirt bearing the name of my favorite band, Hippo Campus. What a thoughtful sweetheart.

Thus attired, I trekked down to Toronto Island to catch my flight from Billy Bishop airport, read The Magicians on the plane, then dragged my luggage onto a Boston city bus and walked a few blocks to the Godfrey Hotel, where Sir met me in the lobby. He looked – as ever – heart-stoppingly handsome, and highly excited to see me.

We checked in and took the elevator up to our 6th-floor room, where, at first, we just cuddled and kissed and held each other. (Reunions in long-distance relationships are often like this.) But, before too long, we were having loud and messy sex involving a lot of toys, biting, punching, and slapping, because we’re us.

Later that night I changed into a slinky black and silver dress for a night out on the town: dinner at Bistro du Midi and an Alina Baraz concert. We danced and swayed and giggled and he bit my shoulder hard enough to leave a bruise. It was all very romantic.

What I’m wearing:
• Yellow unisex Hippo Campus T-shirt – bought at their merch table at a show in Brooklyn back in February
• Black leather Danier jacket with pins from Kinktionary, L’Amour-Propre, and MaxFun
• Black leggings – H&M probably
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• No makeup, because it was all packed!


September 22nd, 2018. While we mostly just wanted to spend the weekend kissing and fucking and hanging out (#LongDistanceLyfe), we each had some touristy things we wanted to do in Boston, so we decided to do ’em on our wide-open Saturday.

Sir chose this dress for me in the morning – it’s one of his faves – and then we went to Tatte for brunch, which was delicious and beautiful. From there, we took a Lyft to Harvard Square, stopped into Good Vibes to look at sex toys, and wandered onto the Harvard campus. We found a little nook in which to make out for a minute or two, because it seemed important that we kiss at Harvard, or just that we kiss in general. Then we sat on the steps in front of Widener Library and peoplewatched for a bit. (People dress great at Harvard.) We stopped by Amanda Palmer’s favorite haunt, Café Pamplona, for drinks before deciding on our next move.

Sir wanted to check out the Boston Public Library, which was beautiful. We walked around looking at statues and art, and then sat in the courtyard and did an impromptu hypno scene in that serene little space. I felt so safe and happy. We strolled back to our hotel through the Boston Common. Later that night, we got dressed up for steak at a jazz club, cocktails at Drink, and, uh, a watersports scene.

What I’m wearing:
• Blue and white floral-print dress – H&M
• Black leather Danier jacket with pins from Kinktionary, L’Amour-Propre, and MaxFun
• Hot pink Kate Spade New Bond Street Florence satchel
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Navy suede collar – L’Amour-Propre


September 23rd, 2018. We made use of our last remaining hours in our beautiful hotel room by having sleepy morning sex and testing out a new lipstick for blowjob purposes (more on that coming to a blog near you in a while!). We left our bags with the concierge and strolled over to The Gallows for brunch; I had fried chicken and pancakes that were memorably yummy.

On our way back, we stopped in the park to peoplewatch, giggle, and kiss. Sir provided a running commentary on some folks who were doing strange airborne couples’ yoga a ways away from us, making me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe.

We checked out Newbury Street, stopping into a café and a clothing store. Sir bought us chocolate truffles at a fine chocolatier, which we ate on a park bench, talking about how much we were going to miss each other.

Sir had a hankering for oysters (and, as they say, when in New England…) so we went to the Island Creek Oyster Bar. We worked our way through 12 oysters and a few drinks while doing our traditional end-of-date debrief: discussing our favorite parts of the weekend, what we hoped to try more of, and when we’d see each other next.

He took me back to the hotel to grab our bags, then kissed me goodbye and stepped into a car to the train station. I watched him drive away, feeling very in love and only a little bit sad.

What I’m wearing:
• Turquoise and pink floral-print dress – CowCow
• Black leather Danier jacket with pins from Kinktionary, L’Amour-Propre, and MaxFun
• Hot pink Kate Spade New Bond Street Florence satchel
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Navy suede collar – L’Amour-Propre

Five Fragrances For Kinky Pervs

Kinksters talk a lot about headspace: subspace, topspace, dom space, little space, these nebulous moods which result from enacting our deepest desires and also help us enact them better. The way vanilla people talk about arousal or erection or lubrication is also the way kinksters talk about their various headspaces: as a state both desirable and potentially elusive, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes hard-won, and usually best to capitalize on when the mood happens to strike.

Personally, I use many different tools to get into the kinky headspaces I enjoy: sadomasochism, hypnosis, certain sex acts, certain clothing and hairstyles. Scent is one of these tools for me. Once applied, it permeates whatever happens next on a level so subtle yet total that it can’t help but affect the proceedings. The right fragrance can shift your entire mood, the way you carry yourself, the way you view yourself. Here are 5 scents that evoke 5 different kinky dispositions…

Cuir” by Mona di Orio

What to say about this spicy, carnal leather scent? Fragrantica calls it “ruthlessly chic.” Rachel Syme calls it “leather at its most pure and therefore most dirty.” C. Murphy says it makes them feel “irresistibly seductive” and like they want to “fuck [themself] and rip someone’s head off.”

I don’t resonate much with the notion of a “femdom,” the way that keyword plays out in mainstream porn and the kinky corners of Tumblr. When I take on a dominant role – which is rare to begin with – I don’t deck myself out in bust-emphasizing corsets or treacherous stilettos. I don’t glare menacingly or call anyone a maggot, a pathetic loser, or my bitch. I don’t pace with purpose, wielding a whip.

My dominance is softer, smaller, more a compelling coo than a harrowing howl. But this Mona di Orio scent is the olfactory embodiment of that towering femdom, and so maybe I could anoint myself with it to bring forth a little bossy flair.

The scent isn’t sweet or forgiving, like some fragrances which soften their leathers with vanilla or warm spices. It’s sharpened to a point with rough-and-tumble anise, cardamom, and juniper. It’s the quirk of an eyebrow with no hint of a smile. It’s the dominant persona I will never melt into, but secretly wish I could try on for a day.

Dark Purple” by Montale (content note for DD/lg / ageplay in this one)

What would the “little girl” of DD/lg fantasies wear, if she wore perfume? It’s easy to say she would choose something over-the-top sexy and feminine (like “Good Girl,” below), but to me, that rings hollow. My inner babygirl isn’t a lithe adult in precise pigtails; she’s an emotionally messy 13-year-old (or thereabouts) who craves cosmopolitan adulthood while still clinging to the comforts of youth. She would, therefore, wear a gourmand. I think she would wear Montale’s “Dark Purple.”

When you imagine this scent, imagine dark purple lollipops, dark purple flowers braided into strawberry-blonde hair, a hint of grape cough medicine or honey whiskey or both. It’s a sticky, syrupy scent that oozes unsophisticated sweetness – like a little girl before she knows the power of being a woman. Plum, orange, rose, geranium, and ambergris combine to create something as rich and saccharine as raspberry coulis spilling off a slice of cheesecake. This, I imagine, is what Lolita would wear if she wore perfume – and it would make Humbert sick to his stomach and haunt his carnal dreams.

Body Scent” by Leatherstock

On an episode of Why Are People Into That?, artist and award-winning bootblack KD Diamond tells a tale from her perverted youth. She describes sating her burgeoning leather fetish as a child by relentlessly sniffing an Italian leather glove. She would even sleep with it near her nose so she would never have to stop smelling it. Now that’s dedication.

While I don’t have a leather fetish, I nonetheless relate to this story. Some scents really are that good, and for me, leather is one of them. I bought a rollerball of Leatherstock Body Scent while on a kinky road trip with friends: we spent an afternoon at the Leather Archives in Chicago, and later dropped by the Leather & Latte café in Minneapolis. The scent of Leatherstock, while it really is almost identical to your standard leather smell, always reminds me with such specificity of those places: the solemn stained-glass art, the heavy books of Tom of Finland illustrations, the casually-clad kinksters clutching coffee cups, the dim dusty basement filled with ominous mannequins. I spent much of that trip wearing Leatherstock and my first collar, so leather was close to me both literally and figuratively for the trip’s entire duration. It was a comfort and a constant, as I’m sure it is for many leather fetishists.

Leatherstock is for when you want to smell, as literally as possible, like leather. Like kneeling and pressing your face to a master’s boots, or faceplanting prayer-like against your own cuffed wrists during a hard spanking, or secretly wrapping yourself in a mystery guest’s motorcycle jacket in the coat room at a party. In the Dry Down, Rachel Syme writes about how our modern understanding of leather’s scent is really just perfumers’ attempts to cover up the reek of the “bloody, gut-strewn tanneries of 16th-century France” with something more palatable. So to me, it’s a scent that carries that weight, that history, and also the weight and history of queer kinky culture. Leather daddies, drag queens, well-worn chaps, a trusty flogger. I can keep all that near my nose when I wear the right jacket, the right collar, or Leatherstock.

Good Girl” by Carolina Herrera

This is the trashiest perfume I own, and I mean that affectionately. It just smells like the fragrance you would reach for if you were also rocking a Juicy tracksuit and a blonde blowout and basically saying “fuck you” to whatever bullshit the patriarchy tends to whisper about all of that.

I bought it for its name – I am a good girl, after all – but it actually doesn’t strike me as a “good” or innocent or pristine scent at all. It’s reckless, messy, slutty. I don’t wear it a lot, because it doesn’t feel like “me,” but it’s grown on me, in its own weird way.

There can be a certain kind of power, in a heteropatriarchal world, to reclaiming tropes long used to tamp your people down. Some women get called ditzy, bitchy, dramatic. They’re accused of being “dumb blondes,” cockteases, sluts. “Good Girl” smells like a woman who decided to stop giving a shit about all that and just live her life – even, and perhaps especially, if that means laughing “too loud,” speaking “out of turn,” and blowing hot-pink bubblegum bubbles with hot-pink glossy lips.

Wearing this scent makes me want to embrace my inner trashy trollop, my inner ballbusting shrew, my inner bad girl, whatever the hell any of that means. Lots of people find “bimbos” hot; lots of people find it hot to be a “bimbo.” I don’t want the world to treat me like a silly slut, but I do enjoy feeling like one from time to time – even just for the duration of a rough blowjob.

Sir” by D.S. & Durga

It is always limiting to suppose that submissives or dominants have to look or act a certain way to be valid in those identities. When I think of my own insecurities as a submissive, I think immediately of Creepy Yeha and pigtail-clad Tumblr babygirls: shapely waifs strapped tight into pastel leather gear, pouting with perfect pink lips and staring doe-eyed at an unseen dominant. These pixies are cold and unsmiling; they exist to be pretty and petite, compliant and complacent. They are not the type of submissive I am. I cackle, and giggle, and whine, and sometimes I smear my lipstick, and sometimes I say my safeword. I am neither as strong nor as beautifully delicate as those girls in the far reaches of Instagram’s #DDlgLifestyle hashtag.

The dominant equivalent of those sinewy submissives, in my mind, would smell like “Sir” by D.S. & Durga. It’s a formidably masculine scent, seductive jasmine layered on top of animalistic oakmoss, peppered with bergamot and patchouli. It smells like burying your face in the tweed jacket of a silver fox who smokes clove cigarettes and drinks too much green tea. Like getting a little too intimate with your classics professor during office hours, or like the exotic comfort of curling up in daddy’s lap once he’s home from happy hour with the boys. This is a “Tumblr-dom” scent: it brings to mind black-and-white photos of faceless men in suits, aiming for stately masculinity but coming off slightly caricatured.

My Sir – a fellow fragrance nerd – asked me to choose a scent for him one day, eschewing his usual faves (Molecule 03 and Tobacco Oud, if you must know). I put “Sir” on him partly for its name, but partly because I wanted the strange synthesis of this polished-dominant scent on my real-life dominant, who – handsome and captivating as he may be – will never be a black-and-white besuited Tumblr dom, because no one really is, not even Tumblr doms. As I’m sure it would please my love to see pale pink fetishistic leather digging into my flesh – the fantasy submissive mingling with the real one – so, too, did it please me to smell the mega-masc absurdity of “Sir” against my Sir’s warm and comforting skin. He is my fantasy, and he is much more than that.

What scents put you in a kinky headspace you enjoy?

A Femme Lady in a Bulldog Chest Harness

It’s funny how your fashion choices can sometimes reflect an identity you haven’t even realized is yours yet. Take, for example, the pal of mine who delighted in dressing “like a lesbian” before she even knew she was queer, or my genderfluid beau who rocked Oxfords and bowties while still squarely identifying as a girl, or even my rock-star little brother who picked up a punk flair before ever picking up a drumstick. I feel this way about kinky aesthetics: they bounced around my brain long before I realized I was kinky, and maybe that means those kinks were there all along.

See, when it comes to kink, I was a relatively late bloomer. I believed I was vanilla many years into my sexual career – perhaps due to inexperience and a lack of self-knowledge, or perhaps because I was dating people who just didn’t bring my power-exchange proclivities to the surface. I was 23 by the time I seriously tried on the “submissive” label – and even then, it was tentative, theoretical. Black leather crept into my aesthetic before it progressed into my fantasies. I wore a collar and harness boots for how they looked and not how they could be used to fuck or submit. I blended leather-scented cologne with my femmier perfumes to add a kinky kick to my sillage.

I hadn’t given much thought to this history until last summer, when a vanilla-leaning femme friend asked me, in hushed tones, whether I thought it was “appropriative of kink culture” for her to wear a collar purely decoratively. I think in her case, borrowing from BDSM fashion was a subtle nod to that subculture – while when I did it, it was a cry to be noticed and welcomed by a community to which I somehow already knew I belonged. (A dominant boyfriend of mine once bemoaned this mismatch: “Now that places like Forever 21 are selling collars, I never know who to flirt with anymore!”)

Once I’d thoroughly explored my interests in collars and cuffs, I started to feel that familiar femme longing toward leather chest harnesses. These are traditionally associated with gay male culture and specifically with puppy play: a handler can attach a leash to his pup’s harness and tug him around. Do some Googling on bulldog-style harnesses and you’ll see plenty of references to how “masculine” they are, because of how they highlight a broad, brawny chest. I own a feminine-as-hell chest harness, too, but somehow I kept returning with aching curiosity to the classic look of a black leather bulldog harness. So I asked Spectrum Boutique to send me the one they carry, and tried it on with timid titillation.

It’s clear that this type of harness is not designed for people with boobs. It presses down on the tops of mine in a vaguely restrictive manner, and doesn’t even push them together for bonus cleavage. It yearns to stretch across flat expanses, but instead, I make it traverse my cushy curves. The effect is distinctly gender-weird when I clasp it over my girly dresses or thin crop tops.

But much of kink is about tiptoeing (or leaping, or pirouetting) into territory you daren’t explore in your everyday life. Within the confines of kink, I can be a little girl, a kitten, a Victorian housewife seeking treatment for her hysteria. Gender lines can be blurred and pushed; see, for example, the QueerPorn scene where cis women Tina Horn and Dylan Ryan call each other “Sir” and “boy” and flagrantly exercise their “vibrant gender imaginations.” See, too, the scene I did with my Sir last month where I painted his mouth with orange lipstick, called him my good pretty boy, and slid my pink glittery cock into his ass. Messing with gender through kink isn’t always imbued with humiliation, in the manner of the businessman forced to wear silk panties that belie his brash confidence; sometimes that gender-defiance is just exploration, experimentation, play. It can be another tool in your toolbox, like a paddle or a butt plug or – yes – a chest harness.

Whether I’m wearing this harness in or out of the bedroom, I feel like I’m flagging as the sex-weirdo I am – someone willing to try edgy acts, subvert norms, fight for the freedom to fuck howsoever I please. Visible markers of sexual identity, like this chest harness or the bi pride sticker on my notebook or the collar around my neck, help me stick out in a world that wants me silent and submissive (in the not-so-fun way). These sartorial signals are often extra important to people whose sexualities are systemically erased: queer femmes, for example, or bisexual folks, or disabled folks, among many other groups. Older queers sometimes mock younger ones for plastering themselves in rainbow flags, just as some seasoned kinksters scoff at “dilettantes” who load up on leather after watching their first Fifty Shades flick – but we shouldn’t tamp out these tentative explorations just because they seem surface-level. Sometimes these loud costumes are the lost shouts of a hidden identity, blooming into view.

 

Thanks to Spectrum Boutique for sending me the lovely Bruiser bulldog harness to try out! It’s available in three different sizes, to fit chests ranging from 36″ to 48″. Check out Spectrum’s wide selection of BDSM wearables if you’re craving more of the “kinky aesthetic” in your life!

Behind the Seams: Yellow Shoes & Pink Wine

June 22nd, 2018. It’s become tradition that my Sir chooses my outfit for days when he arrives in Toronto to visit me for a weekend. I mean, he chooses my outfits at plenty of other times, too, but this tradition feels particularly salient because he usually sends me my instructions a few days in advance, and then I get to spend those days picturing how he will remove those specific clothes from my body once we’re finally, finally together again.

I had just bought these new yellow shoes so he wanted me to wear a yellow-centric outfit to complement them. This T-shirt is one of many romantic mementos in our relationship because I bought it at a merch stand at Brooklyn Steel the night he took me to see my favorite band there. I still remember swaying sweatily in that lineup, my eyes fixing on this bright yellow tee that looked as radiantly optimistic as my heart felt that night.

As per usual for Sir’s weekend visits, I got ready far too early because I was far too excited. To pass the time until he finally pulled up at my door, I went on a long walk, then sat on a bench in the sun for a while reading Social Creature, a super striking novel that I loved a whole bunch. Then I tottered back to my apartment building in time to meet Sir out the front, kiss him at the door, kiss him in my elevator, and kiss him lots more in my bed.

What I’m wearing:
• Yellow unisex Hippo Campus T-shirt – bought at their merch table when they played at Brooklyn Steel
• Black denim short-shorts – H&M
• Lotta From Stockholm peeptoe clogs in “Summer Yellow”


June 23rd, 2018. It wouldn’t be a Sir-and-little-one weekend if there wasn’t at least one fancy night out on the sched. Sir chose this outfit for me before we hopped in an Uber to La Banane, a gorgeous French seafood restaurant. We sat at the bar (he always wants to sit at the bar, so we’re closer together and he can touch me more) and he ordered me some orgasmic cocktails and taught me how to eat oysters.

After dinner, we walked over to my friend Anais‘ house for a small get-together with some old pals from high school. It was fun to introduce my love to all these people I’ve known for years. He kept my glass of rosé topped up while we chatted and laughed until late. It was a nerdy group, so we got into heated debates about Harry Potter trivia and Mozart music, natch.

As much as I love being out and about with my daddy, it’s equally nice when we head back to my place and I get to melt into little-space, safe in his arms. I think he hit me with a leather bat a bunch when we arrived back at my apartment, and it was a totally dreamy end to our evening.

What I’m wearing:
• Pink hair scrunchie – American Apparel years ago
• Blue suede collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Black/white/pink rose-print dress – CowCow
• Lotta From Stockholm peeptoe clogs in “Summer Yellow”


June 26th, 2018. On Sir’s last day in Toronto this weekend, we went for lunch with my brother at the Lakeview. I ordered an all-day breakfast special, because bacon and eggs are the food of the gods.

Later, after Sir and I had returned to my apartment for lots more sweet cuddly sex (we’re horndogs, okay), I put on this casual outfit for our traditional end-of-weekend debrief over cocktails at Northwood. He ordered me a Lady Grey Sour and then a Southside, and we cuddled on a church pew, talking about our favorite parts of the weekend and when we planned to see each other next. Then we made out in front of the bar like a couple of teenagers while we waited for his taxi to arrive. I only cried a little as I watched him zoom away toward the airport.

What I’m wearing:
• Pink hair scrunchie – American Apparel
• Blue suede collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Black Apple logo T-shirt – a gift from Sir, bought on a business trip he’d recently been on (he told me it makes me look like a hot Apple Store employee who’s too introverted to work the sales floor and hangs out in the back instead)
• Black hand-me-down’ed Danier Leather jacket adorned with pins from Kinktionary and L’Amour-Propre
• Black shorts – H&M
• Lotta From Stockholm peeptoe clogs in “Summer Yellow”

Behind the Seams: Red Flowers & Pink Bows

May 29th, 2018. I wore this out to a café to do a bunch of dayjob work, and then to a ServiceOntario office to get my health card renewed. Sometimes I like to dress cute on days that are utterly unglamorous, just to infuse a little je ne sais quoi into the banality of the day-to-day. I also feel like I usually get better service wherever I go when I’m dressed nicely and have lipstick on… which is problematic from a classism perspective, but good to know…

I’d been inexplicably anxious about getting my health card renewed, because bureaucracy is nerves-inducing even for folks who don’t have an anxiety disorder – so when I got it all done, my Sir texted me, “You did it!!!!! Proud of you” (so many exclamation points!!) and sent me a video of him winking as a reward. I am so #blessed.

On an unrelated note: I love this dress, partly because I once wore it on a second date with a cute lawyer that ended in alleyway makeouts so mesmerizing, I walked home with wet thighs. I wonder what ever happened to that guy…

What I’m wearing:
• Sunglasses – the hotel gift shop at last year’s Woodhull
• Red floral-print dress – H&M ($15!!)
• Maybelline Matte Ink liquid lipstick in “Pioneer”
• Bright turquoise Coach turnlock tote (stuffed, as per usual, with my laptop, journal, Kindle, wallet, chargers, makeup bag, keys, gum, and various other necessities)
• Red and black striped socks – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots


May 31st, 2018. When I went to see my tattoo artist, Laura, to get my floral upper-arm piece done, she mentioned that she’d be willing to give me a free touch-up on the pink bows she’d put on my thighs almost two years earlier. What an absolute sweetheart! I was grateful, because, while my thigh tattoos are probably my favorite tattoos I have (shh, don’t tell the others!), there were a few patchy or faded spots, and I was thrilled to have the chance to get them fixed.

Earlier in the day, I went to a café to get some work done, wearing my collar and my medium Pure Plug as per my Sir’s instructions. He texted me, by way of explanation, “I really want to be inside you and around you and in control of you today. I want you to be as mine as you can be from a distance.” Not that he really needed to explain himself… In any case, it put me in a submissive headspace that fit well with getting my “good girl” tattoos touched up with a painful needle later on! (Before you ask: no, I did not wear the plug to the tattoo parlor!)

The touch-up itself was pretty painful, and took longer than I was expecting: about an hour, because Laura is a perfectionist (an excellent quality in a tattoo artist!). But I got through it just fine, and now my li’l pink bows look much better!

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in little pigtail-buns
• Blue suede collar – L’Amour-Propre
• Green tank top – American Apparel (I wore this a ton last summer, including, most memorably, during a breakup)
• Black multi-tiered skirt – thrifted in ~2008 (and I’m still wearing it all these years later because a good, basic, versatile black skirt is essential!)
• Green and black striped socks – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots


June 10th, 2018. I’m bad at taking weekends off. That’s just #FreelancerProblems, I guess: when you’re (mostly) your own boss, get to set your own hours, and know that working harder = making more money, sometimes it’s hard to stop. So what was supposed to be my “nice relaxing Sunday afternoon” turned into prepping for a radio interview and then actually doing said interview, all caffeine-hyped and nervous. I think it turned out well, though!

This shirt bears the name and logo of the Wythe Hotel, the beautiful boutique hotel where my boyfriend told me he loved me on our third date. (No-chill nerds 5ever!) I ordered it on a whim, craving a memento of that night (I mean, aside from the postcard and coaster I’d already pilfered from our hotel room), and I’ve been wearing it a lot. It’s super soft and comfy and reminds me of how happy I was that night in February, and how happy I’ve been since.

What I’m wearing:
• Sunglasses – hotel gift shop in Alexandria
Wythe Hotel T-shirt (they also make one in white but I think navy was the right call for me)
• Tiny black denim shorts – H&M
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Hot pink Kate Spade New Bond Street Florence satchel (Kate had passed away earlier that week so it seemed right to pull out this old fave again, in tribute to the whimsy and color she brought into this world)

What are you wearing and loving lately?