How-To

2 Psychological Tricks For Conquering Hard Feelings in Polyamory

Kate Sloan

I’m a psychology nerd. I minored in psych at university, and have seen various therapists over the course of my life to help pick apart my tangled psyche. After all this exploration, two of my favorite psychological frameworks are dialectical behavior therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy.

I’ve found these methodologies especially useful in dealing with difficult polyamory-related emotions lately, so I thought I’d write a bit about the two key strategies I use when those feelings rear their head.

Emotion regulation through opposite action

DBT teaches us that when you’re feeling an emotion that’s irrational (i.e. it doesn’t fit the facts of the situation you’re in), you should do the opposite of whatever that emotion is telling you to do.

I find this helpful in polyamory because my most difficult poly feelings are, frankly, irrational. Fears that my partner will leave me for someone else, that him dating someone else means I’m unattractive, or that I’m being rejected – these all go against the higher-level decision I’ve made to be polyamorous, based on my ethics and ideas about relationships. These fears are holdovers from the monogamous culture I was raised in, and they neither make sense nor serve me now that I’m practicing polyamory. So it’s often helpful to do the opposite of what the irrational feelings are telling me to do.

Some examples:

  • When my partner is out on a date with someone else, a feeling of betrayal or rejection might come up, and it might make me want to push him away or say something mean to him. I could do the opposite action by writing him a love letter to show him later, mentally reviewing some of my most romantic memories with him, or texting to say “Have a good time!”
  • When my partner is infatuated with someone new, it might make me feel rejected and alone, especially if I’m not dating anyone else at the time. The emotion might tell me to self-isolate, stay home, and cry – so I can do the opposite action by making plans with friends, taking myself out to a restaurant, or watching a stand-up comedy special on Netflix.
  • When hanging out with a metamour, I might feel inferior or anxious, and it might make me want to avoid interacting with them. I can do the opposite action by striking up a conversation with them, being nice to them, and looking for their likeable qualities.

These “opposite actions” can often feel totally artificial, and it can seem counterproductive to do the opposite of what an emotion is telling you to do, without actually dealing with the emotion. But in my experience, a “fake it til you make it” approach can actually be really helpful with these types of feelings. If I find that being nice to my partner when I feel rejected creates an equally good or better result than not being nice, I’ll be likelier to want to be nice to him the next time that feeling comes up. It’s a way of teaching my brain the appropriate responses to these situations, and learning to trust that positive and proactive action is good for me.

Refuting your own thoughts

CBT offers us the technique of making “thought records”: you write down a situation to which you had a strong reaction, identify the emotion(s) it triggered, determine the thoughts or beliefs you have that are related to that emotion, and then look for evidence for or against those emotionally-charged thoughts or beliefs.

You don’t have to actually write out a worksheet every time if you don’t want to; you can do an abridged version of this process mentally. When I have a strong, irrational feeling, I look for the thoughts and beliefs supporting that feeling, and look for evidence for or against those beliefs. There’s always more evidence against them, because they’re irrational.

Some examples:

  • If my partner is on a date with someone else and I get sad and scared that he’s going to leave me for that person, I can review text screenshots, love letters, etc. to remind myself that he’s committed to me for the long haul. (It’s often helpful to collect these positive reminders in one place, like a box on your desk or a folder on your phone, so you can look at them when you need them.)
  • If I’m worried that my partner’s new crush means he’s not attracted to me (or has perhaps never been attracted to me), I can review old messages that dispute this, look at my sex spreadsheet to see all the times we’ve fucked, and mentally revisit the look in his eyes when he sees me naked.
  • If I’m worried that my partner’s new relationship will prevent him from spending enough time with me, I can remind myself of other times he’s juggled multiple relationships before and how well he did it. I can also reach out to gather evidence against this belief directly from him (e.g. “Can you promise me we’ll still have at least 2 dates a week?”).

If you encounter evidence supporting your irrational belief (e.g. “A partner left me for someone else in my previous relationship”; “My partner has seemed less attracted to me lately”), I would strongly recommend bringing up that stuff with your partner(s) so they can offer some kind of refutation or explanation. It will put your mind at ease and is much better than obsessively ruminating on these thoughts by yourself.

Do you use CBT and/or DBT skills to support your relationship(s)? I’d love to hear about it!

How to Take Yourself on a Date

Kate Sloan

I’m an introvert in a long-distance relationship, and I work from home. This all means that I spend a lot of time alone. For me, that doesn’t just mean sitting around at home: sometimes it means taking myself out. For as long as I can remember, I’ve enjoyed solo outings – though, as I’m occasionally reminded when someone gives me a weird look, not everyone is as comfortable with the notion of the self-date.

However, if you’re introverted or single or otherwise relegated to frequent solitude, I think it’s imperative to make your alone time not only as frequent as you want but also as special as you want! So here are some of my best tips for taking yourself on a date…

Psych yourself up. It can be hard to drag yourself to a traditional date activity, like dinner or a movie, on your own if you think people are going to judge you for it. So just remind yourself that no one really pays that much attention to strangers in public, and people do this kind of thing all the time. Get hyped for your outing: put it in your calendar, plan it out, make it something you look forward to, just as you might with a “regular” date.

Pick an activity you love, even if other people might not. Some of my favorite solo dates are dinner, going to see a movie, or attending a comedy show. Sometimes the restaurants, movies, or shows I pick are ones I like but that other people might find strange (oysters and a documentary about an obscure queer icon, anyone?). That’s the beauty of a date with yourself: your input on the activity is the only input that matters! So pick something you adore, and if potential companions might turn up their nose at it, well, so much the better.

Make getting ready a ritual. I often think of getting dressed for dates as a sort of magic spell. I’m adorning myself in totems and trappings that make me feel confident and beautiful: a cute dress, kickass boots, pretty lipstick. This process builds excitement about the date for me in an almost Pavlovian way, so I don’t skip it even if no one else is going on the date with me! This little bit of extra effort could help you elevate a sad, perfunctory night alone into a celebratory occasion.

Bring a diversion of some kind. I always have a book (or my Kindle) with me when I go on a solo date. I also usually bring my journal and a pen, and my phone with some podcasts loaded onto it. While it would absolutely be a power move to eat dinner alone while simply looking around and enjoying the atmosphere of the restaurant, that’s not something I’m interested in doing – it makes me feel awkward, and I get bored. A book can entertain and captivate me in the same way that another person would, if they were sitting across from me at dinner.

Spoil yourself. I know I’m guilty of often thinking I don’t “deserve” nice things, especially if I’m by myself on a mundane Tuesday night or somesuch. But you deserve that extra mile. Sometimes this can be a pricey thing, like a trip to your local fancy cocktail bar or a decadent multi-course meal, but it doesn’t have to be – it could be as simple as adding an extra apple pie to your McDonald’s order, springing for extra butter on your popcorn, or bringing a plush blanket to the park so you don’t have to sit on the damp grass. You’re worth it, baby!

Take photos. We live in an age when it often seems that something only really happened if there are pictures of it on the internet. While this has its pros and cons, the benefit of photographing and sharing aspects of your solo date is that it may help legitimize it in your mind. When you put your meal on Instagram or text a patio selfie to your best friend, you’re saying, “This is nice and deserves to be remembered.” And hell, sometimes those moments can be perfectly Instagrammable!

Stay open to adventure. Many times while on solo dates, I’ve gotten into an interesting conversation with the stranger next to me, or discovered a new hangout I didn’t know about, or tried a new-to-me food and loved it. A beautiful thing about being alone is that you can follow your own impulses; you don’t have to check with someone else first to see if they’re on board. So if you find yourself wandering into a shop with an eyecatching window display, or considering a weird-sounding cocktail on the menu, go with that gut feeling – it could lead you somewhere lovely.

End on a high note. If I skip this step, I often end up wallowing in loneliness, so it’s important to deliberately plan an uplifting ending for your solo date. Mine often involves listening to a comedy podcast on my walk home, or watching something funny on Netflix once I get there. If I’m really absorbed in my book while I’m out, I might continue reading it once I get into bed. Ah, bliss.

Do you ever take yourself on dates? What do you like to do/where do you like to go?

5 Fun Things You Can Do With Used Panties

Kate Sloan

There are few objects as sexually charged and culturally revered as panties. They can symbolize so many things: femininity or gender transgression, raunch or innocence, private secrets or public pageantry. With all these meanings floating around them, plus their frequent proximity to genitals, it’s no wonder why these dainty underthings are so frequently fetishized.

But they’re not just for looking at – there’s lots you can do with a pair of panties! Here are 5 fun ideas…

Use them as a gag

A balled-up pair of underwear makes a great gag: it tastes like whoever was wearing it last (even if it was the person being gagged themselves!), it muffles sounds without stopping up your breathing, and it carries a whiff of the illicit. It can be fun to “punish” a submissive by pointing out to them, in this very direct way, just how wet they got their underwear – and just how obedient they’re going to be for you.

Stuff them in a vagina

Panty-stuffing is a significant subset of panty fetishism; there’s a surprising amount of porn that features it! While I would imagine that it doesn’t feel amazing for the person being stuffed, it will likely leave you with a thoroughly soaked pair of underwear – all the better for smelling and tasting, if you’re into that.

Sell them

You can buy and sell used underwear on websites like Sofia Gray, or on a direct person-to-person basis if you know any interested buyers. This endeavor is so popular that in Japan, there are supposedly vending machines that dispense used panties! I’ve sold my underwear once or twice and it’s always been a lovely experience: I got to make someone’s fantasy come true, while making a little dosh for myself. It’s a win-win!

Use them in a feminization scene

As humiliatrix Princess Kali points out in her book Enough to Make You Blush, a man in panties won’t automatically be embarrassed to be wearing them – it depends on the attitudes he holds about the garment, its place in society, and its relation (or lack thereof) to his gender identity. But certainly, putting panties on a man is one classic way to cut him down to size, in a kink scene involving feminization, humiliation, or both. If you want to tiptoe into this type of fun, try wearing super girly underwear under a more masculine outfit while you go out on the town.

Leave them as a souvenir

If you know your partner loves getting a noseful of your bits, you could leave a pair of your underwear in their bed for them to discover once you’re gone. This could be a particularly sweet gesture in a long-distance relationship – it’s something to tide your partner over until the next time they can bury their face in you. Pro tip: keep the panties in a sealed Ziploc bag when not “in use” if you want them to retain their scent for longer!

What do you like to do with used panties?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Sofia Gray, where you can buy and sell underwear aplenty! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Fun Things to Do With a Prostate Massager

Kate Sloan

For many years I dated people who had a prostate but had no desire to touch it or have partners touch it. There’s nothing wrong with that – it’s their butt and they can do with it as they please! – but it does make me extra appreciative that both of my current ongoing partners are very open in that regard. I’ve gotten to experiment more with prostate stimulation over the past year than I had previously done in my entire life!

With that in mind, here are 5 cool things you can do with a prostate massager, like the Lelo Hugo, if you’re so inclined…

Combine it with a blowjob. A classic. I hear that having a mouth on your dick and some vibration on your prostate can be an ecstatic sensation. If you are the person giving said BJ, remember that you don’t just have to let the vibrator do its thing while staying static; you can jostle it around, press it up into the prostate, or even move it in and out a little, depending on what your partner prefers. This can add a lot to the proceedings!

Wear it out in public. Provided your vibe is butt plug-esque in that it can stay put comfortably once it’s inside you – and provided, too, that it has a flared base, as all anal toys should – you can wear it while out and about, with the vibrations turned on or left off. This can create a sense of anticipation for some more intense play later on, once you’re in private, or it can be a delight all on its own. Remote-controlled vibrators are particularly useful for this application!

Use it externally. A well-designed prostate massager will have fairly strong, rumbly vibrations, in order to stimulate the somewhat buried prostate. So it follows that those excellent vibrations could feel good on your external bits, too. Try applying the vibe to your perineum, anal opening, or balls while your dick is being stimulated. This could make great “foreplay” for anal penetration, or if it’s just not a penetrative kind of day, you can get your rocks off without any insertion at all!

Spice up a mundane task. Wearing an anal vibrator is a pretty attention-absorbing experience, so it can be an exciting challenge to try to do something else while those vibrations are pulling your focus. Write a blog post (gulp), clean your room, do your laundry, shop for groceries… There are few pursuits that couldn’t be improved by something buzzing in your ass, if that’s a sensation you enjoy.

Play an orgasm denial game. Most people can’t come from prostate stimulation alone, but it sure can be fun to try. Set yourself the challenge of stimulating yourself only with the prostate toy inside you – no external stimulation allowed – for some pre-decided period of time. You can play with a partner or by yourself, steadily increasing the vibration strength (and the mental stimulation you’re getting from porn, erotica, or your partner) until you just can’t take it anymore.

What are your fave things to do with prostate massagers?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

10 Tips For Incredible Kisses

Kate Sloan

You know, for the amount of kissing I do, I really haven’t written very much about it here! It’s often taken as self-explanatory, which I don’t think is strictly fair. All of us had to learn to kiss, in some sense, even if parts of this act came naturally to us. So here are 10 tips I think are worth considering, whether you’re smooching a new beau or a well-established partner…

1. Take good care of your lips

Boys, especially, often don’t know to do this, or don’t bother. But lip texture matters! If you can’t bring yourself to use a lip exfoliant (Lush makes some, or you can make your own by mixing sugar and honey or coconut oil), just give your wet lips a scrubdown with your also-wet toothbrush next time you brush your teeth. Follow up with a moisturizing lip balm – something natural, containing ingredients like coconut oil or shea butter, will work better than more synthetically-based options.

2. Have mints and/or gum on hand

Keep ’em in your bag or your pocket. Regularly restocking this stash is just as important as keeping your condom reserves topped up. Treat it as such!

3. Get consent

The debate about the necessity of clear consent rages on, especially when it comes to kissing, which often isn’t viewed as “intense enough” to warrant asking for permission. Here’s my stance: nonverbal consent is certainly a thing, and if you’re well-attuned to your partner then you may well be equipped to kiss them out of the blue without incident, but “Can I kiss you?” or “I really wanna kiss you right now” are still hot and cute even when you know for sure you’re gonna get a “yes.” You’re not going to “ruin the moment” by making sure your partner is comfortable and amenable, trust me.

4. Use less tongue than you think you should

So-called French kissing isn’t as mysterious or confusing as it once seemed to me… The trick is to use your tongue as punctuation, not the whole sentence; as seasoning, not the whole meal. As Dan Beirne once wrote: “I would recommend thinking of the kiss as a sleep and your tongue as the dream. It’s not right away, and it doesn’t last the whole time.”

5. Vary your rhythm

Kissing shouldn’t be like a metronome; your speed and intensity should vary according to the needs of the moment. Pay attention to what your partner is doing and how they’re reacting, and mix up your rhythm accordingly. Some moments call for slow sensuality, while others are better suited to fast, hard passion!

6. “Yes, and”

The improv-based practice of “yes-and”-ing is simply the process of paying attention to what your partner is doing, matching it, and adding onto it. To give a more concrete example: if they lick your lip a little, you could lick theirs a little harder. If they pull you closer, you could tilt them into a deeper kiss. If they press their body against yours, you could grind your thigh against their bits. This is not to say that you should only ever follow your partner’s lead – I’m sure you have some great ideas of your own – but launching a new move out of nowhere is often not as effective as simply building upon what’s been done already.

7. Give an oral sex preview

If you’re doing the kind of kissing that you think could lead to sex – whether immediately or eventually – then you can rev up your partner’s arousal by showing them what else your lips and tongue can do. You could, for example, flick your tongue over their lower lip in a cunnilingus-esque manner, or gently suck on it the way you’re going to suck their cock later. They’ll get the message!

8. Convey passion with your hands

Good kisses don’t just involve your lips, but your whole body. This includes your hands, which shouldn’t just be floating there. Provided you have consent for such things, feel free to let them roam over your partner’s hair, neck, shoulders, back, waist, hips, boobs, and/or thighs. This makes your kisses into a bigger, deeper experience than they would be if your mouth was the only body part at play.

9. Use your words

This one may not work so well if you’re super shy – but even if that’s the case, sometimes it’s worthwhile to push through and do it anyway! Try peppering little phrases, confessions, and observations in between your kisses, if it feels right. “Your lips are so soft.” “You taste amazing.” “You’re really good at that.” “I love kissing you.” These sentiments are small but they can make a big difference in your partner’s confidence and comfort.

10. Your thighs can do amazing things

I wax evangelical about “the thigh-grind” in every medium, and this blog is no different… Your thigh is a nice, firm, broad surface that can feel oh-so-good when pressed up against the genitals of someone who wants that. This move is an easy and hot way to turn up the heat during a kiss, and it can be carried out just as well whether you’re in bed, on the floor, in an elevator or in an alley.

What are your favorite tips ‘n’ tricks for kissing?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.