How-To

Vibrator Too Strong? Here’s 10 Things You Can Try…

Kate Sloan
Here’s a Magic Wand-shaped candle (my life is weird) plus some tiny dildos

I get all kinds of interesting reactions from people when they find out I’m a professional sex toy reviewer, from “Yes girl yes, you’re doing the lord’s work!” to “Aren’t you worried you’ll permanently deaden your clit with those things?!” (Uh… no. No I am not.)

Some of these reactions make me smile and some just make me angry – but there’s one that makes me a little sad. I’ve seen it dozens of times: their face will fall when they hear me mention vibrators, and they’ll lean in conspiratorially and confess: “Those have never worked for me. Every time I’ve tried one, it’s felt too strong and overwhelming. Maybe I’m just not the type of person who can use a vibrator.”

Depending on my mood, and on how resolute they seem, sometimes I’ll just shrug and say, “That’s okay! They’re not for everyone!” But there are times when I want to provide some actionable advice, particularly if the person expresses regret for having spent a pretty penny on a vibrator that’s now gathering dust in a drawer somewhere. I want them to get their money’s worth – and I want everyone to have access to as much pleasure as they desire – so I will sometimes convey the following tips for dealing with a seemingly overpowered vibrator…

1. Get very turned on first

If you’re usually an “analog” masturbator, maybe you typically jump straight to your genitals without much warm-up – but that doesn’t always work so well with a vibrator. It can feel jarring, uncomfortable, or even painful to apply a super-strong vibe to unaroused bits. Take the time to turn yourself on with fantasy, porn, erotica, your hand, having a partner talk dirty to you, or whatever else consistently works. If you own another, weaker vibrator, you could even start a session with that before moving on to the “big guns.”

2. …& stay turned on throughout, if possible

Easier said than done for some of us, I know – but I’ve definitely found that vibrators can feel weird if my mind wanders too much from the task at hand while I’m jerking off. I might need to set the vibe down for a few minutes while I get myself turned on again, especially if my brain is feeling particularly anxious or distractible that day due to work stress or other factors.

3. Try it through clothes/layers

These days I rarely apply a wand vibe directly to my junk; typically I keep my underwear on, at minimum, and sometimes my pants too. That’s one of the beautiful things about ultra-strong vibrators: they can still be felt through layers, making them ideal for lazy masturbators or people with energy limitations, mobility issues, etc. that make it tricky to take off one’s clothes. You could also try using your vibrator through a blanket/duvet while you’re in bed, as long as doing so doesn’t make it overheat.

4. Experiment with placement

Strong vibrations can conduct through your flesh/skin/muscle, so you don’t have to apply the toy directly to your most sensitive spot – you can hold it adjacent to that area, to reduce the intensity while still getting some stimulation. For instance, I’ll often start by holding a vibe on my outer labia for a while, before moving it gradually closer and closer to my clit.

5. Try different angles

Depending on your vibrator’s shape, you might find that tilting it slightly can produce a different sensation. For example, I usually use my Magic Wand on an angle, so the corner of the head is pressed against my clit. This conducts the vibration into a smaller shape, so it doesn’t feel quite so overpowered.

6. Take breaks

No one said you have to leave the vibrator on for the whole session! Sometimes I’ll set mine down for a minute or two and just touch myself with my hands for a bit, or even just take a beat to catch my breath here and there. Even a 5- or 10-second break can help your nerve endings “reset” somewhat, so that what follows will feel even better.

7. Get an attachment

If your vibrator is a standard-sized wand, you can get an attachment for it, like the Vixen Gee Whizzard. These help to focus the vibration into a more pinpointed shape, and also soften the vibration somewhat. While many such attachments are designed to stimulate the G-spot or prostate, you don’t have to insert them – they can feel good on a clit or a dick as well.

8. Kinkify the discomfort

The overwhelming feeling of using a strong vibrator isn’t inherently a bad thing – for some people, it’s hot! You might find it easier to endure these types of sensations if a hot pervert has instructed you to do so… or even if you just imagine that’s the case. Sometimes it’s fun to have an orgasm that feels a little scary!

9. Try it underwater, if possible

Provided that your vibrator is waterproof (check its instruction manual), you might find that using it in the bath softens the vibrations somewhat. Sometimes I even like to hold a strong vibrator an inch or two away from my clit, to enjoy how it makes the water vibrate, thereby stimulating me indirectly. Physics are cool!

10. Use it for muscle massage, or on someone else

Even if a vibrator isn’t your genitals’ cup of tea, other parts of your body might enjoy it – maybe your tense neck and shoulders after an arduous work day, for instance, or the soles of your feet after a long walk. You could also use the vibrator on a partner, if they’re into that – or sanitize it and give it away to a friend who’s excited to inherit it. How magnanimous of you!

 

What other strategies have worked for you when a vibrator feels too strong?

5 Ways to Learn More About Your Gender

Kate Sloan
Sometimes my gender feels like a queer femme version of a boy at summer camp 😂 (featuring beautiful mb in the background)

I’m no gender expert, but I sure have thought a lot about my own gender. And I think more people could stand to do that type of deep thinking, whether they ultimately come to the conclusion that they’re cis, trans, or some flavor of gender-agnostic.

Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living,” and while I wouldn’t go that far, I do think an unexamined gender can cause you grief. Stumbling through life within the bounds of a prescribed gender role, without ever seriously interrogating that role’s suitability for you (or lack thereof), can breed resentment, anxiety, anger, insecurity, and depression. I’ve seen it happen – often for people who later discovered themselves to be trans, but also for some cis people who came to reject conventional gender strictures that had been stressing them out or holding them back. Who says a man or woman (or enby, for that matter) has to look and act a certain way? And more to the point, do you want to listen to them?

With that in mind, here are 5 quick suggestions for exploring your gender more deeply, if you haven’t already…

Work your way through My New Gender Workbook by Kate Bornstein

An absolute classic in the queer-&-trans canon. I’m sure it’s saved countless lives by this point. It’s a workbook that asks you questions about gender to help you figure yourself out. Kate Bornstein is a nonbinary icon and queer elder, and all of their books are fantastic, but this one holds a special place in my heart because of how practical, thought-provoking, and kindness-forward it is. I’ve gifted it to many, many people over the years, and lots of them have told me that they found it helpful.

Talk to other people about their gender

If you’ve got trans and/or queer friends who are open to it, you could pick their brain about gender: how they feel about their own, what led them to their current gender presentation, whether they see gender as a spectrum or something else, etc. Tread carefully, because this can be a touchy subject for some, with good reason – trans people especially are too often expected to justify and explain their gender, often in dehumanizing ways, so it’s quite reasonable if they don’t want to discuss it with you. But if they are down to chat, you might find their insights illuminating. Ideas on gender vary a lot across time and space, too, so you’d probably get vastly different answers from, say, lesbian poets in Bushwick than from trans escorts in Melbourne or drag performers in Paris.

Try on clothes you don’t normally wear

Clothing is one of the main ways we express our gender in the world, so it makes sense that changing the way you dress can be one of the most impactful – but also scariest – ways to push yourself outside your comfort zone gender-wise. Rampant transphobia might make this tricky or outright unsafe to do in public sometimes, unfortunately (which fuckin’ sucks; everyone should get to safely experience the joy of a fitting-room glow-up moment!!), but at the very least, you can do it in your own home. You could borrow a friend or partner’s clothing (with their permission, hopefully!), hit up your local thrift store, or maybe even just alter some clothes you already own. Try on a new gender expression for size, and notice how it feels!

Keep a gender envy journal

I forget which trans friend of mine introduced me to the concept of ‘gender envy,’ but it’s such a specific feeling that now I always notice it when it comes up! Sometimes I’ll see a person walking down the street, or a character in a piece of media, who activates a sense of longing inside me. It’s a specific longing to look like that person, dress like them, move like them, talk like them, and/or be perceived the ways they are perceived. For instance, Jane Lane from Daria and Spinelli from Recess were some of the first characters I ever felt this way about – and still to this day, I love dressing hard-femme/soft-butch like them, and wearing black leather boots and sharp-shouldered jackets like they do.

Part of self-discovery is simply mindfulness: paying attention to which things consistently light you up and attract you. Start keeping a journal of all the people and characters you feel gender envy toward, and you might notice some useful patterns after a while!

Make a list of adjectives

I don’t know about you, but I find terms like “masculine” and “feminine” to be pretty limiting in their scope when I’m trying to define somebody’s gender, including my own. These concepts are highly dependent on time, place, socioeconomic context, etc., and ultimately they can feel imprecise (or beside the point entirely) for those of us who deviate from the beaten path at all.

So, instead of trying to locate yourself on a binaristic gender spectrum, maybe ask yourself which adjectives describe the gender you find dreamiest to imagine embodying. (It’s okay if this changes over time, or even from day to day!) For example, here are some adjectives that describe my particular queer-cis-femme gender at the moment: brash, funny, charming, dapper, sharp, swaggery, sparkly, slutty, irreverent, and bright. What words come to mind for you?

 

Dear reader, how deeply have you explored your own gender? Have any of these methods been helpful for you?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Have Sex Quietly & Not Be Heard

Kate Sloan
Photo taken in the noise-testing area of the Womanizer factory in Berlin (sorry, can’t remember whose hands these are!)

There are certain sad realities of life that simply can’t be sidestepped. Sometimes you will lose someone you love. Sometimes you will have to pay your taxes. And sometimes – quelle tragedy! – you will have to have sex quietly. My condolences. (Or cumdolences, as the case may be.)

This is easier for some than for others – but if you struggle to keep quiet during sex when you need to, here are some quick tips:

Drown out the noise with more noise

You don’t have to crank up the Barry White if that’s too obvious (!), but some kind of music or other sound can camouflage your cries of passion. I like the “pink noise” setting on the Dark Noise app (its pitch is less grating to me than standard white noise), as well as instrumental jazz and Robot Science.

If you have a HomePod, Alexa, or similar, you can even use voice control to request white noise, rain sounds, or music. This is useful in the heat of the moment, when you may not want to pause the action to set up a soundscape like you’re the Philip Glass of ass.

Use quieter sex toys (or none at all)

Y’all know I love sex toys, but some of them are loud as hell. If sound level’s a concern for you, prioritize silent vibrators when you shop for toys (my reviews often discuss noise level, FYI!), and stay away from notoriously noisy toys like Fleshlights and fucking machines.

Cover the source of the sound

In most cases, the source of the sound is gonna be your own mouth (or your partner’s), in which case a ballgag may be useful, or even just faceplanting in a pillow. Just make sure you have a safe-signal in place (e.g. double-tapping on the other person’s arm or leg) so you can end the action quickly if these measures make it hard to breathe at any point. Beginners may want to stick with ‘breathable’ gags, which have holes in them to allow for airflow, although those don’t stifle sound quite as well.

Occasionally the loudest noises may come from something that is not your face, which you may or may not be able to cover up. For example, spanking someone under a blanket is quieter than spanking them out in the open, although it makes it more difficult to land satisfying hits. (Punching is also quieter than smacking…)

Cushion any impact points

If your thighs keep slapping against your partner’s ass every time you thrust into them, for instance, maybe one or both of you could leave your pants on (unbuttoned, natch) to muffle the smacking. If your bed keeps banging into the wall, move it out an inch or two, or stuff a pillow in between. If you’ve got a particularly squeaky bed, it may even be wiser to have sex on the floor, at least while you have to stay quiet.

Find alternate outlets for sounds

Why do we moan (or whimper, or scream) during sex, anyway? Sometimes it’s a way of handling/processing intense sensation, in which case you may be able to channel that impulse into gripping the sheets, scratching down your partner’s back, and other tactile outlets.

One big reason I make noise in bed is to give my partner nonverbal feedback on what’s working, so they can adjust technique accordingly throughout the process of getting me off. But this can just as easily be achieved by me gripping their arm tighter or breathing harder in their ear when things feel particularly good. You can still be a good bottom even when you have to stay quiet – sometimes it’s even hotter that way!

 

What are your favorite ways to make sex quieter?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Signs Someone Might Be Good in Bed

Kate Sloan
Trying to decide if I think you’ll be a fun lay or not. (Photo by mb)

I write reviews of sex toys here all the time, but sometimes I wish there were equivalent reviews available for sexual partners: “Clumsy, but enthusiastic.” “Could use some honing, but has definite potential.” “Kept a wand plugged in by the bed and aftercare chocolates in the fridge. 12/10, no notes.”

Granted, different people can bring out different sides of one’s sexuality, and one man’s trash-fuck could easily be another man’s treasure – so these types of reviews might not be terribly useful anyway. Nonetheless, I often do wonder, as I get to know a new crush, whether they’d make me scream in bed, or just make me sigh with frustration. There’s no surefire way to predict this, but here are a few small things I look out for…

They respect boundaries (without pouting)

Arguably this isn’t a “good in bed” thing so much as a basic requirement of consent-conscious sex, but either way, it bodes well. How do they react when you say “no” to them? If you express a preference or a hard limit on anything (sexual or otherwise), do they acknowledge it, remember it, and respect it? Do they ever argue with you about your boundaries, push back against them, or ignore them entirely – and if so, how do they react when called out on that? This can all be useful data when you’re trying to assess whether you’d have a good (and safe) time in bed with someone.

They listen closely & are emotionally attuned

So much of good sex is about attunement, by which I mostly just mean paying attention: noticing what’s giving someone pleasure, and adapting your technique accordingly to make it better and better. The emotional and psychological aspects of sex benefit a lot from attunement, too – it’s hard to feel intimately connected with someone who’s off in their own world mentally.

For this reason, I am far more likely to want to jump someone’s bones if they listen deeply during conversations, ask me good questions out of genuine curiosity, and respond/react to my emotional state when we talk. Shout-out, for example, to the guy who recently brought me a box of Kleenex unprompted because he noticed me getting misty-eyed during a sentimental convo with someone else; that is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about here 🥵 And on a related note…

They are patient & can stay in the moment

Maybe this is a hot take, but I don’t want to fuck someone who checks their phone constantly on dates, for the same reasons I wouldn’t fuck someone who rolls their eyes and checks their watch while I’m telling them a story – that’s rude as fuck, disconnective, and indicates an itchy impatience that is incompatible with the types of sex I like to have.

By contrast, it is wildly sexy when someone stays so focused on me during conversation that it feels like the rest of the world melts away for both of us. It shows me that they probably won’t get bored and tap out after three minutes of lackluster cunnilingus, for example, but are likelier to instead relish every moment they get to spend down there.

They don’t take themselves too seriously

If I lightly roast a man in the course of flirting with him, and he reacts like I’ve just slapped him across the face, either my comment really was out of line (in which case, mea culpa, my dude!), or he’s more concerned with his ego/image/status than with building a connection. And in my experience, if someone’s ego is shaken that easily, it’ll also be shaken by me asking for technique adjustments in bed, bringing up kinks I want to try, or even incorporating sex toys. In the immortal words of Ariana Grande: “thank u, next!”

They’re good at touching

I adore those early days in a new connection when you haven’t had sex yet and so every touch feels electric with promise. It is soooo hot, which is part of why I don’t like to rush into sex with new people these days. Let’s marinate in that sweet, sweet anticipation together for a while, baby!

The ways that someone touches me before they’ve ever fucked me can be very telling, whether they throw an arm around my waist as we walk down the street, idly massage my shoulders in the back of a taxi, or stroke my inner thigh under the table at a restaurant. Are they good at “reading the room,” sensing when (and where) I might like to be touched and quickly adjusting if they overstep? Do they pay attention to what makes me sigh and melt, and do more of that? And just as importantly, how does my body react to their touch? Do I recoil or tense up because something’s not quite right, or do I find myself relaxing into their touch and wanting more of it? This is all hugely useful data.

What signs do you look for when trying to assess whether you might enjoy having sex with someone?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Mark Me Up, Make Me Yours: 3 Alternatives to Collars

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

In the kink community, a collar can mean a wide range of different things. For some, it’s simply a sex toy, a way to tug someone around during a scene. For others, it’s a deeply-considered symbol of commitment to a D/s dynamic. And between those two ends of the spectrum are countless variations. A collar can mean whatever you and your partner(s) want it to.

Collars may be the item most associated with commitment in the kink world, like wedding rings in the vanilla world – but just like with wedding rings, some people find that collars are impractical for their lifestyle for various reasons, so they’d rather wear something else. Maybe they have a job where they can’t flag as kinky, nosy family members who would ask too many questions, or a medical condition that precludes any neck constriction – whatever the case may be, there are always workarounds. With that in mind, here are 3 categories of collar alternatives for you to consider…

A mark (temporary or permanent)

Sometimes the whole point of wearing a collar is to be constantly reminded, throughout your day, that you’re in a D/s dynamic with someone you adore, and that they adore you too. To that end, anything which reminds you of your partner can be a useful collar alternative, as long as it’s something you’ll carry around on your body all day – whether that’s a well-placed hickey or bruise, a Sharpie scrawl of their initials, or even a tattoo of a meaningful symbol in your relationship.

A piece of jewelry or other wearable accessory

I once knew a glamorous woman who wore a stunning diamond necklace. When I complimented her on it, she replied with a wink (knowing that I am kinky), “It is what you think it is.” That is to say: a collar-esque symbol can be anything, from a priceless pendant, to a nose ring, to a piece of twine tied around your wrist. All that matters is that you and your partner(s) agree about the shared meaning of the object in question, and that you’ll be pleasantly reminded of your dynamic each time you notice it.

A sex toy, worn under clothes

Chastity cages, wearable vibrators, and butt plug tails, oh my! These products aren’t always practical (I wouldn’t recommend wearing anything metal through a TSA scanner, for instance), but they are great for keeping a sexual connection front-and-centre in your mind. As a bonus, they can generate arousal throughout your day, like a set-it-and-forget-it form of foreplay. Neat!

 

Have you ever tried a “collar alternative” like this? What did you go with?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.