How-To

How to Reply to Women on Twitter Without Disgracing Your Entire Gender: A Guide for Dudes

Kate Sloan

Being a woman on Twitter guarantees some level of harassment. That’s doubly true if you’re a woman who tweets about sex.

I created this post for two reasons: a) for the benefit of dudes who badly need this kind of instruction, and b) as a resource for women to send to douchebags on Twitter (and in other mediums, too, if they feel it’s useful in other contexts).

For that latter reason, I’ve put some page-jump codes into this post so that you can send dudes the link to the specific rule they’ve neglected to follow. Here are those links for easy sharing: Don’t mansplain, don’t answer questions no one has asked, don’t reply when a favorite would suffice, don’t favorite too many tweets, don’t be redundant, make valuable contributions, pay attention to context, read before you respond, don’t ask for pics, don’t oversexualize, don’t explain someone’s joke to her, accept you might be wrong, don’t demand anything, don’t tweet an email-sized query, proofread your tweet, and be generally respectful.

Without further ado… Here are my dos and don’ts for dudes on Twitter. These rules aren’t hard to follow, and yet you’d be shocked how many people break ’em.

Avoid mansplanation. Don’t explain things to women as if you know more than them, unless they’ve actually asked for an explanation or advice. Especially don’t explain women’s own experiences, ideas, and bodies to them – we’d know better than you would. Not sure if you’re mansplaining or not? Words like “actually” can be a tip-off.

Don’t answer a question that no one has asked. If I wanted to hear about your dick, your preferences in women, or what you think I should wear (or not wear), I would ask.

If your comment can be expressed by favoriting their tweet, do that instead. You probably don’t need to express your approval in multiple different ways. Favorite, or reply, or retweet. Don’t do a zillion things.

…But don’t go overboard with favoriting. Please don’t be the dude who combs through all my selfies and favorites all the sexual ones in a row. That’s just gross. Back off, dude, your inappropriate boner is showing.

Make sure what you’re saying hasn’t been said by someone else (including the woman you’re tweeting at). Redundancy is boring and not useful. You’re probably not as original and brilliant as you think you are. Especially don’t repeat a woman’s exact point in different words. If you desperately need to express your agreement, see above re: favoriting and retweeting.

Make sure what you’re saying is valuable, relevant, and actually contributes something to the conversation. Don’t just shove yourself into my day for no reason. If you don’t have anything particularly useful, interesting, or new to say, then you don’t need to say anything.

Stay aware of context. If you’re confused by someone’s tweet, flick through her previous tweets, bio, recent blog posts, etc. for possible clarification before you ask her about it. Please don’t be that idiot who has no idea what’s going on. And along those same lines…

Before tweeting about a blog post or link, actually read said blog post or link. I guarantee you, you will come across as a buffoon if you neglect to do this. If you haven’t read a post, you aren’t equipped to write about it, even on Twitter.

Avoid any and all variations of “Pics or it didn’t happen.” If a woman wanted to post a picture, she would do it. Asking for photos of her outfit, face, body, or anything else can come off as intensely creepy and inappropriate. Don’t do it.

Don’t make everything about sex. I know it’s hard for some dudes to get this through their heads, but even people who are openly sexual and sex-positive (e.g. sex bloggers) don’t want every interaction to be lascivious. Use your social intelligence (or if you don’t have any, get off Twitter until you do!) to figure out when a flirty response is appropriate (hint: very, very rarely) – and if in doubt, keep things respectful or just don’t reply at all.

Don’t explain a woman’s own joke to her. It’s surprising and strange how often this happens. It’s like some men don’t comprehend that women are actually capable of being funny, and so they assume that the jokes we make on Twitter are actually serious statements or we just don’t “get” that we’ve “accidentally” made a pun or joke. Assume we are brilliantly funny babes who know exactly how clever we are, and go from there.

Accept that you might be wrong. Exercise humility accordingly. I’m not sure if it’s due to systemic male privilege, or the argumentative nature of the internet, or cultural misogyny, or all of the above, but plenty of men on Twitter have the tendency to believe that they know best and that it’s their job to school other people. Practice saying (and typing!) the words, “You’re right. I’m sorry.” Use them when you need to – which might be more often than you think.

Don’t demand anything. Don’t ask us questions if you can find the answer on Google or elsewhere. Don’t ask us for “proof” of what we’re saying, especially if it’s something unprovable like a matter of personal experience. Don’t start sentences with “You have to.” In general, please remember: you are not entitled to our time or attention.

If your tweet requires a response longer than 140 characters, send it via email instead. Please don’t ask me a barrage of questions on Twitter and expect me to respond instantaneously, or at all. Seek out my email address and contact me there. It’s not hard – most folks will have theirs listed on their website, to which their Twitter profile will link. If you can’t find their email, tweet at them to ask for it, and be gracious if they decline to give it to you.

Proofread your tweet. I can guarantee that I will mock you if your tweet is riddled with errors. Also sometimes typos or autocorrect problems can make it impossible for me to understand what you were actually trying to say. If you care enough to type a tweet, you should care enough to make sure your message will be received and understood.

Just generally: be respectful, polite, and a decent fucking human being. It’s not that hard. If you don’t think you can follow these simple rules, a quick solution is to disable your Twitter account!

Anything I missed? What have you always wanted to tell dudes on Twitter? Got any horror stories to share?

How to Give a Killer Compliment

Kate Sloan

Giving good compliments is a vastly underrated superpower.

Talk to someone calculating, cunning, and cold, and they’ll tell you all about the manipulative powers of compliments – how you can use them to get someone in your sway.

That may be true, but that’s not what I mean when I call compliments a superpower. What I mean is that you have the power to turn someone’s day around. Maybe even to turn their life around.

Here’s how I know that’s true: I can track the evolution of my self-esteem by what compliments I received and when. The first boy to call me “pretty” when I was 12. The older man who told me I had a cute philtrum at 14. The freshman-year girlfriend who called one of my Facebook selfies “scintillating.” The sophomore-year FWB who raved about how soft my labia felt in her mouth. The senior-year boyfriend who called my dorky honesty “sexy.” The college boyfriend who went on and on (and on and on!) about my soft skin, handjob skillz, and on-point winged eyeliner.

(Ooooof. I am glowing with happiness just from writing those out! See what I mean about the power of compliments?)

Self-love gurus will tell you self-acceptance comes from within, and I think that’s true – there were times when I just wasn’t in the right headspace to hear, accept, and digest compliments. But I think a well-timed compliment, given with love and by the right person, can give you the shove you need on your journey toward self-love. That’s definitely how it worked for me.

Here are some tips on how to give a compliment that can literally change someone’s life…

Be genuine.

This should go without saying, and yet, it’s important enough that I have to say it. If you compliment someone, make sure you mean it! I’m sure you can find something about practically anyone that you like enough to compliment them on, even if it’s just their shoes or the way they pronounce a certain word.

Pay attention to what they put effort into.

I promise you, you will absolutely make someone’s day if you notice something about them that they evidently care about and then compliment them on it.

It might be physical: their perfectly-blended eyeshadow, color-coordinated outfit, or spiffy new haircut. It might be an aspect of their personality: their bravery, intelligence, humor. It might be something they do particularly well: playing guitar, baking brownies, or maintaining a flawlessly curated Pinterest page.

Notice this stuff. Say something about it. Let them see that their efforts have been appreciated.

Compliment what’s rarely complimented.

I learned this trick because I grew up smart but plain-looking, and I had a friend who was beautiful but only got average grades. She was constantly told how pretty she was, and it eventually made her doubt herself in other areas (intelligence, humor, etc). By contrast, I was frequently praised for being clever, which made me wonder if I was unimaginably hideous. What other explanation could there be?

While making sure to remain genuine, look for something that your complimentee probably doesn’t get praised for very often. Something other people tend to gloss over, ignore, or just don’t see.

Use unusual words.

A few reasons for this:

1. Your compliment will seem more genuine, intentional, and thought-out if your language isn’t generic. It shows that you had to actually scan your brain and select the best word from a number of different possibilities, instead of reaching for what came easiest.

2. Weird and wacky language is more memorable. You want your complimentee to remember your comment for days, weeks, months, or even years, instead of just forgetting it the moment they say “Thank you.” So choose words that will stick in their head (in a good way!).

3. The way our brains work, we actually absorb information better if it’s given to us in a way that requires a little mental effort. Words like “beautiful” and “amazing” are thrown out so often that we barely hear them or process them. A rarer word requires additional processing and is therefore likelier to sink in.

Instead of “beautiful,” try “radiant,” “dazzling,” or “foxy.”

Instead of “great” (as in, great shoes, great hair, great outfit!), try “exquisite,” “groovy,” or “magnificent.”

Instead of “sexy” or “hot,” try “ravishing,” “captivating,” or “delectable”!

And don’t forget to throw some strange adverbs in there. “Very,” “incredibly” and “totally” can be replaced with words like “astonishingly,” “strikingly” and “exceptionally”! (If this kind of language feels too formal/fancy for you, I can personally attest to the effectiveness of “hella” as a pre-compliment adverb.)

Let go of expectations.

It’s suuuuper annoying when someone compliments you and then just stares at you, like they want you to… what? Compliment them back? Deny the truth of what they said? Confess your love and elope with them to Paris?

Please don’t ever make someone feel like they owe you something in exchange for your compliment. A “thank you” is pretty much all you’re owed – maybe not even that. (Some people have been socialized in such a way that it’s hard for them to say “thank you” when they’re complimented, so they might deny what you’ve said. Please don’t argue with them too much. There are social and psychological reasons why they do this – and your compliment likely lifted their mood even if they don’t act like it.)

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

How to Stimulate Your G-Spot From the Outside

Kate Sloan

I remember the first time like it was yesterday…

My then-partner and I were lying in bed after a particularly satisfying cunnilingus sesh. He was spooning me and I was pretty blissed out.

Suddenly I had a craving I’d never felt before – a specific spot on my lower belly wanted pressure, like, now – and I was disinhibited by endorphins so I gave in to this random whim of my body. I grabbed my partner’s hand where it lay on my ribs, isolated two of his fingers, and pressed them into a spot on the border between my mons pubis and my stomach – hard.

My partner caught on pretty quick. He pressed as hard as I was directing him to do, and then he started moving his fingers in small, slow circles – which made me moan from a pleasure so deep and intense that I was almost sad I hadn’t discovered this trick earlier.

It took me some time and experimentation before I came to recognize that spot as my “external G-spot” – a highly specific area from which I can stimulate my urethral sponge without even taking my underwear off.

I want everyone to feel this awesomeness, so here are some tips on how to do it if you’re interested…

Get really, really turned on first. This is standard advice for any kind of G-spot play, really. I find that my external G-spot responds best when I’ve just had an orgasm, which is why touching it became a post-coital tradition with my last partner (oh, fuck, swoon). However, it also responds when I’m just suuuper aroused. When a partner digs their fingers into that spot while going down on me, when I’m like 80% of the way to orgasm, it makes the whole experience achingly intense.

Find the spot from the inside. This is one way to do it, anyway. If you already know how to locate your G-spot on your vaginal wall, press into it hard while holding your other hand on your lower belly/upper mons. See if you can feel your fingers through your body (yes, this is some Alien shit). If that doesn’t work, just get yourself very turned on and then experiment with pressing hard on different locations on your mons and lower stomach; you’ll probably stumble on it eventually.

Press hard. This, again, is good advice for G-spot play whether you’re coming at it from inside or outside; that fucker is really buried in the vaginal wall for most folks. My partner was quite surprised at the amount of pressure I demanded from him when we first started playing with my spot. I repeatedly had to remind him that I am not, in fact, a wilting flower or a Ming vase; my G-spot can handle – nay, requires – a hella firm touch.

Experiment with rhythm and movement. Just like your internal G-spot, your external one might like steady pressure, or it might prefer a bit of a circular motion, or a deep pulsing. I’m a fan of circles, which also holds true for the kind of clit stimulation I prefer (I wonder if there’s a connection there?).

Combine it with other forms of stimulation. I like to rub my outer G-spot while rubbing my clit. Not only does it feel good, but there’s a pleasing symmetry to having both hands rubbing circles in vertically aligned spots on my skin…

Take advantage of the convenience. You don’t even need to take your pants off to get at your G-spot, which is pretty terrific. I have been known to line up the bottom of my desk with the spot and then casually press against it while I work (or, y’know, watch porn). Just don’t be that perv who pleasures themselves inappropriately in public, please (duh).

Incorporate it into strap-on play if you’re into that. Some harnesses allow for you to position the base of the dildo up high on your mons, so you’ll get some pleasant external G-spot pressure with every thrust. Might be fun if you like a little variety (alternate harness placements and dildo types can stimulate your clit or your internal G-spot, or even potentially your butt, so you’ve got lots of choices).

Try using a sex toy on it. Deep, rumbly vibrations are the best at accessing the deeply-buried G-spot, I find. A wand-style massager gives me the heft and power I need to stimulate the spot through my mons. I also sometimes like to apply deep pressure with the big end of my Pure Wand. I wish there was a version of the Pure Wand that had an even more extreme curve, so I could rub my G-spot from both the inside and the outside at the same time!

Have you discovered your external G-spot? How do you like to stimulate it?

5 Nifty Things You Can Do With a Speculum

Kate Sloan

I have an impulse-shopping problem when I go to sex shops. When I was dating a dude, I used to spot Tenga Eggs at the checkout counter and throw a couple into my purchase without even thinking about it. Now that I’m single, I tend to impulse-buy things for myself, instead. Like, most recently, a steel speculum.

I went to Come As You Are to pick up a book I needed, and they had an affordable speculum in the display case by the checkout, and, well, I can’t be expected to resist something like that, can I?

I’ve been playing around with my speculum and I have suggestions for what to do with yours, if you have one – or what you’d be able to do if you bought one. (C’mon, I know you’re thinking about it.)

1. Look at the inside of your vagina. (Or a partner’s vagina.)

As you might have inferred from, y’know, my entire blog, I’m a pretty sexually exploratory person. I know my body better than most people know theirs. But prior to owning a speculum, I had never seen the inside of my own vagina.

It’s not exactly an accessible area. It stays closed unless you’re actively holding it open, which is hard to do. You can get a marginal glimpse of the inner walls if you’ve got a clear glass dildo, a mirror, a good lighting setup, and endless patience for experimenting with different angles. But that’s not ideal, obviously.

I was stunned by how beautiful and strange-looking my vagina actually is. It’s like an underground cave made of cotton candy. Gorgeous and creepy and fantastic.

2. Take vagina selfies.

I take selfies that feature pretty much every other part of my body. Why not my vagina, too?

If you’ve got a speculum, an adjustable lamp, and a camera or cameraphone, you can take vagina selfies too. I used my iPhone and one of those clip-on reading lights. It takes some experimentation – I found it difficult to hold my phone in such a way that it wouldn’t block the light – but when you get it right, the photos are worth the trouble.

These aren’t the sexy kind of selfie that I’d send to a flirty beau. The inside of a vagina is actually more alien-looking than it is appealing, if you ask me. But it sure is interesting to pore over those photos. Sometimes I pull mine up on my phone and just stare and stare, transfixed. That’s inside me?!

3. Medical play.

Doctor-patient scenarios get me a little hot and bothered. I’ve never had a partner who was into that kind of roleplay but it’s something I look forward to trying in the future.

I don’t really know what this kind of play would entail, exactly, but with an imaginative and open-minded partner, I’m sure even a cold, clinical-looking speculum could become sexy to me.

4. Gradually dilate your vagina.

For people with vaginismus or other vaginal tightness issues, I’d imagine a speculum could be a helpful tool. It opens wider in a way that’s very slow and gradual, so you can adjust it to a setting that’s comfortable for you and maybe push your boundaries a little more each time, until you can accommodate whatever width you’re trying to get to.

I’d recommend checking in with your gyno before you try this, and combining the speculum with clit stimulation so it’ll hopefully feel good rather than weird.

5. Monitor your G-spot.

If you insert your speculum sideways, it’ll open up horizontally rather than vertically, giving you access to the top wall of your vagina where your G-spot is. This makes it a lot easier to touch your G-spot as well as to look at it.

Like a lot of sexual anatomy, the G-spot swells when stimulated. If you use your speculum to check out your spot before a play session and then again afterward, you may be amazed by how much it’s changed in size and texture. Bodies are so cool!

Do you have a speculum? What do you use it for?

Love Yourself on Valentine’s Day

Kate Sloan

V-Day is almost upon us. But please, don’t get upset. This does not have to be a depressing holiday, or a saccharine Hallmark shill. I want you to do your best to re-frame this time of year in your mind.

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be all about love. And just because romantic love is the most glorified form of love doesn’t mean it’s the only one, or the most important one.

Whether or not you’re in a relationship today, here are some things you can do to re-affirm your dedication to self-love.

• Choose/buy/find a talisman to remind you of your commitment to self-love. It should be something personally meaningful to you, which can be as obvious and self-explanatory as a heart necklace or as obscure as an octopus brooch. If looking at it makes you smile and reminds you of the importance of loving yourself, you’re doin’ it right! (Some quick picks from me to you: stack these queer babe bracelets on your arms, stick these clitoris stickers all over everything, pin these feminist buttons to your backpack or put this rose quartz heart over your own heart. Too pretty!)

• Take yourself on a solo date. Bring your book, journal, laptop, knitting, etc. to your favorite café, bar or restaurant, and sit for a while. Enjoying your own company is an important life skill, and solo time can also be a great way to recharge in advance of a romantic date with someone else, if that’s on your docket for the day.

• Masturbate. Decadently. Loudly. In all your favorite ways, using all your favorite toys ‘n’ tools.

• Take the best bath (or shower) ever. Lush does fabulous bath bombs and shower jellies. Light a scented candle. Pour yourself some wine or tea or juice. Put on some soft jazz or salsa or whatever music makes you feel gorgeous. Exfoliate, wash, pamper, luxuriate, rejuvenate.

• Look up local cultural events and go see one (or a few). Gallery shows, arthouse movie screenings, live concerts, book readings, theatrical performances – anything that makes your heart sing and your brain buzz. (And hey, if you’re in Toronto, come on down to the Ten Thousand Villages shop at 362 Danforth around 2PM on V-Day… Someone who looks an awful lot like me might be performing some love songs. Wink wink.)

• Make a list of things you love about yourself and/or things other people have told you they love about you. Collecting your best compliments in one location, whether they’re from others or from yourself, is a great way to make yourself feel good – and you can refer back to it any time you need a self-love boost.

• Do something you’re really good at. This is such a fabulous way to remind yourself of your inherent value as a human being. Make music, write, paint, dance, whatever. Get into the “zone,” the flow, of doing something well. (And even if you do it badly, if you’re still having fun, you’re doing it right.)

• Check out local party shops, drugstores, etc. and buy some heart-shaped stuff. This is the time to do it (or maybe the day after Valentine’s Day when everything’s on sale). Having heart-shaped decor all over your house is a way to remind yourself on a daily basis that love is important, especially self-love. I have a red holographic paper heart taped up on my bedroom wall year-round and it makes me smile every time I see it.

• Be good to your body. This requires listening to your body and figuring out what it’s asking for, what it needs, which is always worth doing. Maybe you require chocolates today, or maybe your body’s crying out for leafy greens instead. Maybe you need to lie in bed and chill the fuck out, or maybe you’d feel better if you did an hour of intense yoga or went for a jog. Maybe you need more water, more dancing, less caffeine, less self-criticism, or a really good stretch. Listen, check in, and give your cute bod what it wants.

• Delete all critics and energy vampires from your digital life. Do a major clean-out of your Twitter stream, Facebook friends list, email subscriptions, browser bookmarks, etc. so that everything in your digital life actually serves you and uplifts you. Ahhh, the relief! What a beautiful favor to do for yourself!

What do you like to do for yourself on Valentine’s Day?