How-To

How to Enjoy Your Unrequited Crush

Kate Sloan

Sex writing is my jam, but when I’m not thinking about sex, I’m often thinking about its closely related sister: love. Crushes. Infatuation. Limerence. Whatever you want to call it. It may or may not be linked with sex in your mind, but it’s definitely still linked inextricably with sex in the world at large – so when I think about one, I often consider the other.

One love-related idea I keep coming back to, especially now that I’m single and too busy and distracted to date, is this: having a crush on someone can feel good, even if nothing comes of it.

I first learned this in high school. I was obsessed with the cutest boy ever (who, incidentally, walked past me on the street recently and tried to pretend he didn’t see me, which was actually what prompted me to write this post). I confessed my feelings and he straight-up told me he wasn’t attracted to me and didn’t want to date me.

It hurt like hell, of course, and I cried for a few days and pined after him for a few months (okay, maybe more than a few), but there did eventually come a time when I fully accepted his disinterest in me, and the fact that we would never be together – and after that, somehow, the crush became fun again. I anticipated running into him in the halls. I joyfully succumbed daily to the swoony feelings that overtook me whenever I saw him smile. I laughed at his jokes without worrying how that would be construed. I wrote about “Rejection Boy” sightings in my journal and relished them. It gave me a strange sort of pleasure.

Similarly, I also had a huge crush on my philosophy teacher in high school – and because there was absolutely zero chance of us getting together (what with him being 15+ years older than me, married, and employed by my school), I was able to fully enjoy those early stages of infatuation without it ever progressing to the agony and distress of real romantic yearning.

I learned that infatuation fuelled me, both emotionally and creatively. It made me want to get out of bed in the morning, put effort into my appearance, put effort into my life. It made me want to write, make art, say and do important things. Infatuation was like a potent blend of caffeine, LSD and Prozac, but without the side effects. From that time forward, I tried not to let myself fall into the trap of lovelorn sadness anymore – I tried to focus on the happy side of crushes, on what they could do for me, on what I could make them do for me.

Having experienced this love-magic and having thought a lot about how to replicate it, I think I’m qualified to share with you some tips for how to make your potentially painful romantic longings into an uplifting, cheerifying element of your life.

1. Accept that nothing’s going to happen.

Obviously this only applies in cases where you actually know (or think it very likely) that nothing’s going to happen with that person. Maybe your circumstances or theirs don’t allow for dating right now; maybe you know for a fact that they’re not interested; maybe you only like certain qualities about them but know they wouldn’t actually make a good partner; maybe they’re in a monogamous relationship, or you are; maybe one of you is moving away soon. Whatever the case may be, if there’s no chance of anything happening, accept that.

It’s my belief that the majority of romantic agony we experience (and maybe the majority of any emotional agony we experience) stems from the belief in what could be, and that possibility never coming to fruition. If you eliminate that element, you’ll eliminate a lot of your discomfort. It sounds depressing and bleak, but sometimes it’s the least depressing option you can take in that situation.

2. Identify what you feel when you’re around your crush, and enjoy those feelings.

A swoop of nausea. A herd of stomach butterflies. A fiery blush. A giggle fit. An intense, palpable desire to close the physical distance between you and your beloved.

Whatever you feel when you’re around them, try to identify and isolate what those feelings are. When you can pick them apart and notice them specifically, instead of just letting them wash over you and stress you out, then you can start to enjoy them.

Just as it’s exhilarating to finish a race or perform in front of a crowd, it’s also exhilarating to be around someone who makes your body feel like you’ve just done something equally stressful or scary. Certain people make you feel hyped up and blissed out – so long as you can recognize all those different sensations as adding up to a happy rush.

3. Figure out how you can make your crush into a productive force.

Get out your paints, guitar, journal or other creative outlet of choice, and get to work. As Nellie McKay says, “Come on, use the pain – drink up from the rain.” Sadness can suck but you’ll feel better about it if you turn it into something awesome.

Likewise, ask yourself what you can learn from this experience, and accordingly, what changes you can make. Maybe your crush doesn’t return your feelings because you have some bad lifestyle habits that they view as a red flag; you could change those. Maybe things didn’t work out because your crush got involved with someone else before you could gather the nerve to ask them out; you could work on your courage and confidence. Maybe the rejection made you feel like no one will ever love you (oh, babe, no!); you could work on your self-love and overall attractiveness. You get the idea.

I think one of the key differences between mopey, stagnant people and happy, dynamic people is the way they choose to look at their hardships. You can allow your troubles to define you and drag you down, or you can choose to view them as jumping-off points for greater adventures. I bet you know which option I recommend!

How do you deal with unrequited love?

50 Ways to Get Through a Break-Up

Kate Sloan

Hey babes. My relationship of three and a half years ended yesterday. It’s okay, everything’s cool, I’m alright with it and actually kind of relieved – but let’s be honest; even the most amicable of break-ups can be tough to deal with. Here, for me as much as for you, are 50 suggestions for post-breakup self-care and processing. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

1. Gather up everything that reminds you of your ex, stuff it in a garbage bag, and either put it someplace where you won’t see it or just throw it away.

2. Get yourself dolled up. Makeup, cute clothes, moustache grooming, whatever works for you.

3. Take a long, hot bath. Bonus points for Epsom salts, bath bombs, scented candles, and/or soft music.

4. Search the break-up tag on 8Tracks and listen to some sympathetic mixes.

5. Choose a movie you’ve never seen from Bill Hader’s list of his favorite comedies, find it and watch it. (Lots of them are available on Netflix.)

6. Get lost in a good book. (Some recommendations from me to you: the Harry Potter series, the Divergent series, O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm, Under the Dome, After Hamelin, Hello Cruel World.)

7. Work on a creative project, new or old. Blog, collage, choreograph, write, draw, paint, etc.

8. Cuddle a sweet and understanding person, pet, or stuffed animal.

9. Beat up your pillow.

10. Play a video game. (I like Animal Crossing games during emotional times because they don’t require much brain power and you can’t die in them, so they’re not stressful.)

11. Make a list of things you can do now that you’re single that you couldn’t do while in your relationship. Re-read it any time you feel sad. (Some highlights from my list: post naked pictures of myself online, go off hormonal birth control, make out with cute near-strangers at parties.)

12. Write in a journal about what happened and how you feel about it. (If you don’t like physical journals, try 750 Words or Day One or a blog platform that allows for private entries.)

13. Call up a friend. Talk to them. Make plans.

14. Do some beauty treatments: face mask, deep conditioner, pedicure, etc.

15. Go to the store, pick out your favorite chocolate bar or ice cream, take it home, eat it slowly.

16. Do a Netflix marathon of your favorite funny show.

17. Do a massive purge of unnecessary stuff/clutter in your room or home.

18. Delete your ex from all social media platforms and your phone’s contact list.

19. Make a list of qualities you hope your next partner possesses. Visualize that person and let the idea of them lift you up.

20. Get yourself a new sex toy (or dig out an old faithful). Masturbate your heart out.

21. Get a spa treatment – a massage, mani-pedi, facial, etc.

22. Exercise, even if you initially don’t want to. It’ll help, I promise.

23. Meditate. Sit comfortably, breathe deeply and slowly, focus on your breath, let all thoughts float by. Do a YouTube search for “guided meditation” if you find it hard to clear your mind completely (and don’t we all?).

24. Put your headphones on, turn on some music that makes you happy, and go for a long walk.

25. Take a nap.

26. Let yourself cry. It’s okay.

27. Go through old e-mails or letters and find a really flattering, cheerifying one. Read it. Print it out and pin it up if you want.

28. If you’ve got ‘em, read old journals from a previous break-up you went through. They’ll remind you that everything gets better eventually.

29. Buy a corkboard, pins, and a few magazines. Cut out any pictures that make you smile and pin them up where you’ll see them often.

30. Write “This too shall pass” on a part of your body. Glance at it often.

31. Treat yourself to a cheap cosmetic pick-me-up, like a new lipstick, rollerball perfume, or nail polish.

32. Flirt with someone, just to remind yourself that you can still feel those feelings.

33. Repopulate your sexual fantasies.

34. Ask a friend to remind you of the good reasons for the break-up any time they catch you moping about it.

35. Drink wine. In moderation. If you can.

36. Make a list of all your best qualities and look at it if you ever start to feel valueless or unattractive. (Ask friends or family for suggestions if you’re having trouble coming up with things.)

37. Do something you used to find comforting when you were a kid, like eating Kraft Dinner while watching The Simpsons, or curling up under a hand-knit blanket while reading the Gossip Girl novels, or whatever.

38. If you have any jewelry or other tokens from people who love you (not your ex), wear it to give you strength. Periodically glance at it as a way of reminding yourself that you’re loved.

39. Stretch, slowly and gently, for a good few minutes.

40. If you’re really not feeling up to going out and seeing people, call and cancel some of your commitments. It’s okay to take time for yourself.

41. Reorganize your workspace, or another space you spend a lot of time in, so it’s more beautiful and simple and makes more sense and feels more calming to you.

42. Take a friend to a location that was significant for you and your ex and make new memories there.

43. Drink a hot beverage, slowly and thoughtfully. (I like what Leo Babauta has to say about tea rituals.)

44. Rediscover a hobby, activity, or aspect of your personality that you set aside to appease your (now ex-)partner. See who you can be without them.

45. Discover some new music by searching tags of your choice on Bandcamp, 8Tracks or Last.FM. (Some chill recommendations from my own music library: Sucré, Josh Garrels, Robot Science, My Brightest Diamond.)

46. Take some cute (or not-so-cute, whatever) selfies. If you want, use an app like FaceTune to beef up their attractiveness quotient. Post them somewhere public if you feel like it.

47. Decide what you’re going to focus your time and energy on, now that you have more of both to spare. Pick stuff that matters and is important to you. (Volunteering? Art? School? Working on your novel? Becoming a more spiritual person? Losing 30 pounds? Traveling?)

48. Get real with yourself about any destructive habits you have when you mourn and try to pre-empt them. If you don’t eat enough when you’re sad, get some foods that you love, so you will eat. If you tend toward any kind of self-harm, put a mental health professional or crisis line or nearby friend on speed-dial. If you tend to withdraw, tell a friend to boss you into hanging out with them even if you say no. Do what you gotta do.

49. Do something you know you’re really good at, even if it’s kind of a dumb or useless thing, to help restore your confidence in yourself.

50. Give yourself a hug. Be gentle with yourself. It’s gonna be okay.

What are some things that have helped you through break-ups?

10 Easy Ways to Make Yourself More Attractive

Kate Sloan

I think we’d all like to be a little hotter. It doesn’t have to be about other people’s approval or attention; sometimes you just wanna feel foxy, for your own benefit. Or sometimes your confidence needs a boost so you do want to attract external attention.

Whatever your reasons are – and it’s no one’s place to judge, so don’t let them – here are ten simple ways to make yourself cuter, more appealing, more intriguing. Go get ‘em, tiger.

1. Stand up straight. Check your posture in a mirror. Don’t slouch. Hold your head centered and straight on top of your neck. Practice with books balanced on your head like a debutante in an old novel if you have to. Do regular check-ins throughout the day to see if you’ve maintained your posture goals. Eventually it’ll become second nature.

2. Smile. I have resting bitchface and so do a lot of people. I get it: it feels unnatural to walk around with a smile on your face. But it doesn’t have to be a massive grin, don’t worry. Just let a small smile play around the corners of your mouth when you’re out and about. This isn’t one of those “You’re obligated to smile because some dude on the street told you to” sort of things – it’s something you can do for yourself, if you want. A slight smile makes you seem more open, cheerful, relaxed, and approachable. If that’s an effect you want to achieve, give it a try.

3. Open up your body language. Quit crossing your arms. Roll your shoulders out and back. Look around you confidently instead of staring at your phone. Take big, easy strides. Fully face the people you talk to, and make good eye contact. Let your body be a billboard bearing this message: “I’m easygoing, friendly, and open to getting to know you!”

4. Cultivate passion. There are already things you’re passionate about; don’t be afraid to talk about them. And if nothing comes to mind (?!), find something to love boldly and deeply. Books, music, theatre, art, history, stationery, sex toys, sharks, woodworking, fitness, storm patterns, architecture, arboriculture, whatever. There are few things hotter than seeing someone’s eyes light up as they talk about something they love.

5. Wear clothes that fit you. Get some stuff tailored if you need to (and you probably do). Get rid of anything unsalvageably baggy or tight. (If you’re the type who holds onto clothes in the hopes of one day being able to fit into them, fuck that – live your life now, not later.) Put on a belt. Cinch your waist with a jacket or cardigan. Get your pants taken up so they don’t drag on the ground. You’ll feel so much more capable and confident when your clothes complement your body instead of hiding it or squeezing it.

6. Speak with conviction. Don’t be a mumbler! Speak clearly and at a volume that’s definitely audible but situationally appropriate (no yelling in the library, please). Say each word like you chose it specifically and carefully. Try to eliminate transitional, buying-for-time words and phrases such as “like” and “you know” and “um” (but don’t beat yourself up about it, because it’s hard). If swearing makes you feel tacky, give it up; if swearing makes you feel boss and badass, go right on ahead. Believe that your words and ideas are important and speak them accordingly.

7. Stay informed. Follow the news. Keep up with culture (the parts that you like). Learn new words. Read. Form educated opinions on things. You don’t have to be a genius, but some level of intelligence and awareness is almost universally smokin’ hot.

8. Do stuff. Get out into the world. Meet people, go on adventures, have experiences. Learn new skills, try new things, visit new places (in your city or in the world). Sitting at home and surfing the internet every night is incredibly fun and relaxing (I’m a geeky introvert; I get it) but it leaves you with not much to talk about and not much experience to draw from. Like Sarah Dopp says: “Make at least some choices based on what will make for the better story.” People who do lots of stuff are generally more interesting than people who don’t do much.

9. Improve your conversational skills. Read Dale Carnegie’s book and any materials you can find on active listening. Ask people about themselves. Come up with some interesting questions you can ask just about anyone, like “What are you passionate about?” and “What’s the last book you read?” and “What are your goals?” and really listen to what people say in response. Join the social skills subreddit for some extra help and support. Practice coming up with follow-up questions for when people tell you stories or mention things in passing, like “What did you think of that?” or “How did that go?” or “If you could do that over again, would you do it differently?” Try to remember what people have told you about themselves before, and bring it up the next time you see them: “So what ended up happening with your mom’s art show/your dog’s vet appointment/your job interview?” To state all this more simply: ask people about themselves and be genuinely interested.

10. Work on your self-love. I’ve written about this before, so have a read through that. I still wholeheartedly recommend writing or speaking positive affirmations about yourself on the daily and looking at Gala Darling’s writings on “radical self-love”. Phase haters out of your life, both the kind who hate on you and the kind who hate on people in general (e.g. tabloid magazines, YouTube commenters, overly negative friends). Remind yourself of your value daily, even if that means you have to shove your insecurities to the back of your brain in order to shine a little light on what you’re most proud of. Always always always remember that hotness is subjective, so even if you don’t like what you see in the mirror, there are plenty of folks who would – even if that seems absurd to you, trust me, it’s true, it’s true, it’s true.

What else can a person do to make themselves hotter/cuter/more likeable?

Let’s Learn About the A-Spot!

Kate Sloan

I am always going on and on about the A-spot – and every time I mention it, I’m uncomfortably aware that there are people reading my blog who may not know what that spot is. I needed an informative link to be able to put into my posts so people won’t be confused. Which is why I’m writing this.

The A-spot – otherwise known as the anterior fornix, AFE zone, or deep spot – is an internal erogenous zone in the vagina. On either side of the cervix (that thing at the deepest part of the vagina that feels sort of like the tip of your nose and sometimes hurts when you touch it too firmly) is a fornix; there’s the posterior fornix behind the cervix, and the anterior fornix in front of the cervix. It’s the anterior (front) one that we’ll be talking about today, though some people also enjoy how the posterior (back) one feels when touched. As always, experiment and figure out what works best for you!

The A-spot was purportedly discovered by a guy named Dr. Chua Chee Ann. He noticed that stimulating this particular spot on the deepest part of the front vaginal wall would cause fast lubrication and sexual arousal. His stimulation method was a “scooping” motion with his fingers, similar to the “come hither” motion that so many folks recommend for G-spot stimulation.

So what is the difference between the G-spot and the A-spot? I see how you could get confused; they’re both located on the front wall of the vagina, only a few inches apart. If you have medium-to-long fingers, you can probably access the G-spot with your fingers inserted only halfway into the vagina – but you’ll likely have to stick them all the way in to reach the A-spot.

The sensations are also very different, at least for me. G-spot stimulation can feel slightly uncomfortable at first, like I need to pee or like I’ve got an itch inside my urethra – but if I push through, eventually that feeling will turn to pleasure. On the flipside, I find that A-spot stimulation is pleasurable right away. However, with both spots, adding clit stimulation to the mix improves the sensation significantly.

You might be wondering: what’s the best way to stimulate the A-spot? I find I can’t do it with my own fingers, because they’re too short and the angle isn’t right. My partner can reach the spot with his fingers but he has to reach reeeeally deep, which isn’t always comfortable for either of us. I’ve found that the best way to touch this spot is either with a penis or a specific kind of sex toy.

Penises are great for stroking the A-spot. As with the G-spot, you’ll want your penis or your partner’s penis to press up against the front vaginal wall, but go deep. I find that my A-spot loves small back-and-forth motions, as opposed to larger in-and-out thrusts, but as always, your results may vary. Keep the lines of communication open so you and your partner can figure out the best way to stroke the spot.

Toys with a small curve at the tip are best for accessing the A-spot. You want a toy that can curve into the fornix so it can be inserted deeply without bothering your cervix (which we’ll discuss in a moment). Some of my favorite A-spot toys are the Tantus Tsunami, Tantus Pack ‘n’ Play #1, and SSA Glass Royal Adventure. As long as it’s long enough to get to the very end of the vagina at maximum arousal (which, for me, is about 6") and has a slightly tapered and curved tip, it should do okay.

Here’s a harsh reality: the cervix can get in the way of your A-spot pleasure. The two are right next to each other, and the cervix can be a source of pain for some. That’s why it’s important to go slowly and gently when seeking out the spot. If you’re using a toy, start with one that’s soft and squishy, ideally silicone. Keep the toy/penis/fingers totally flush with the front wall of the vagina for a better chance of avoiding the cervix. And I highly recommend not trying A-spot play on someone who’s menstruating, because the cervix can be extra sensitive at that time. Once you’re a pro at this kind of stimulation, you may be able to pull it off, but until then, I’d avoid it.

While the A-spot might seem mysterious, I think it’s destined to become the Next Big Thing in popular discussions of female sexual response. More possibilities for pleasure is always a good thing!

What have your experiences been with the A-spot?

5 Ways to Make Your Orgasms Stronger

Kate Sloan

Yesterday I was doing some consulting work for a sex ed organization. They’re putting together some resources for youth who want to learn about sex without feeling intimidated or overwhelmed. They asked me and a few other young sex-positive folk for our input.

One of the points that came up – which may not be news to you, but is certainly still a problem – is that most sex ed is based in harm reduction and risk mitigation, rather than pleasure maximization. Once you learn the basics of STI prevention, birth control, and enthusiastic consent, it can be hard to find resources that take your sex life from “Okay, this is working” to “OH YES, I LOVE SEX.”

With that in mind, lovelies, here are 5 ways you can make your orgasms stronger – today. As always, not all of these suggestions will work for every person or every body, but give ‘em a shot and see how it goes!

1. Add penetration (or bigger penetration).

You probably know that when you reach orgasm, your pelvic muscles contract rhythmically. This feels great all on its own, but it’s even more intense when your muscles have something to clench around – so put something in your butt or your vag!

If you already do this (and most of y’all are sex toy savvy, so I’d imagine that you do), you can try something bigger to intensify the effect. If, like me, your usual dildo choices are smallish-to-average, try something enormous instead. It’s like adding extra resistance to your strength training workout, except you’ll be increasing pleasure as well as muscle!

2. Breathe through it.

Your feelings about “sacred sex” might range from enthused to skeptical… but you should know that using your breath to guide your sexual energy doesn’t have to be as woo-woo and ethereal as it sounds! It has actual practical implications.

Most folks tend to tense up as they get close to orgasm, and holding their breath is a part of that. While it’s true that getting off this way is generally the quickest and easiest way to do it, that doesn’t mean it’s the best.

As you get close to coming, notice your desire to hold your breath, but deny it. Breathe deeply and fully. If you like, you can mentally direct your inhales into your genitals to increase the energy flow to that area. It will likely take longer to get where you’re going, but it’ll be more of a full-body experience.

3. Rush.

I know I just told you to sloooow dooown – but weirdly enough, hurrying to the finish line can intensify your pleasure as well.

Test yourself. See how quickly you can get from absolute zero to orgasm. If danger turns you on, you can up the ante by doing this at a time when you know someone’s going to walk in on you in a limited number of minutes.

4. Change positions.

I alllllways masturbate lying on my back. It’s comfy and relaxing, but it doesn’t challenge my body or my mind, because it’s so easy and I’m so used to it.

If being upside-down doesn’t make you feel ill, give it a try: hang your head and torso off the side of your bed and come in that position. Some people say the blood that rushes to your head makes orgasms explosive.

5. Edge.

Get close to orgasm. Back off. Get close again. Back off again. Repeat until you can’t stand it anymore, and then finally let yourself come.

This one actually makes my orgasms weaker for some reason, but lots of people report astonishing results when they try it!

What’s your favorite way to boost your orgasms?