How-To

Are “Makeshift” Sex Toys Safe to Use?

Kate Sloan
A cucumber that may or may not have been inside me at some point

There are a few classic questions that come to mind for me when I think about people who turn to sex educators for advice. “Why can’t my girlfriend come from penetration alone?” is one of them; “Does dick size matter?” is another. But here is the one I want to talk to you about today: “Can I use [xyz household object] as a sex toy?”

My initial knee-jerk response is a resounding “NO,” but if I want to be a bit more nuanced and detailed (like the people who wrote this guide to homemade male sex toys), I have to acknowledge that there are cases in which makeshift “sex toys” can be relatively safe to use. Generally, products actually made and marketed for that usage are safer and healthier (toxic jelly toys and “for novelty use only” monstrosities notwithstanding), but if you fantasize about using particular household objects for pleasure – or you face other barriers to accessing real sex toys, whether financial, privacy-based, or otherwise – you deserve to know how to use those objects as safely as possible. I’m not a doctor or a sex toy engineer and this is not official advice (don’t sue me!), but here’s what I know…

First of all, and most basic, you’re going to want to look for an object that is smooth. It depends on what you plan on using it for, of course, but generally, sharp seams and other pointy bits are to be avoided. You may be able to sand these down with sandpaper if you’re that committed to the cause.

Next, in an ideal world, you’d only use products made of non-porous materials, so they can be sanitized effectively and won’t accumulate bacteria over time. Glass, metal, hard plastic, and 100% silicone are all non-porous, and properly lacquered wood can be effectively non-porous even if the wood itself is not. A couple of the makeshift sex toys I used in my youth fit these criteria – one was a metal tube a friend had given me for my birthday that was designed for storing a single tampon in (?!), and one was the gently curved end of a hard plastic stereo remote control. The non-porosity of these materials meant I could clean them fairly easily with soap and water or a disinfectant wipe.

Many people are curious about using fruits or vegetables as sex toys. I understand the fascination – some of them have really beautiful and pleasurable-looking shapes! I also know this can be a cost-effective way to test out what kinds of toy shapes and sizes you’re into, especially since you can carve these treats however you like. (Were your eyes bigger than your vagina when you bought that giant cucumber? No problem, just whittle it down!) But if you plan on going this route, PLEASE wrap the item in a condom, at the very least. It’ll protect you from what’s on the surface of the toy, whether that be scratchy textures or pesticide remnants, and will lessen the likelihood of you getting an infection from stuffing yourself with produce. I learned the hard way that the plastic wrapping on some fruits and veggies is not a good enough barrier when I accidentally scratched up my insides with some tiny-yet-sharp protruding bits of plastic on a cucumber’s encasement. Just take the plastic off and replace it with a condom. And change the condom every time you reuse your “toy” thereafter, please!

“Put a condom on it” is actually good advice for a wide array of objects you could stick inside yourself. Given that even the actual sex toy industry isn’t regulated so not all products therein are actually body-safe, objects not made for that usage are even riskier. Whether you’re using a shampoo bottle, an electric toothbrush, or anything else, repeat after me: Put a condom on it!

Speaking of electricity… When it comes to putting electronics inside yourself, just say no. Toothbrushes are an odd example because they have to be moisture-resistant due to the nature of what they do, but even they are probably safest to use only externally, not internally. You don’t want to ruin your buzz (or your genitals) by accidentally zapping yourself mid-wank!

In addition, it’s my responsibility as a sex educator to tell you that you should not insert anything in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base. (Google “flared base butt plug” if you need a visual aid.) I also just generally wouldn’t recommend putting anything “makeshift” in your butt, because that area is more sensitive and more easily damaged than, say, a vagina or a penis, and it’s just not worth the risk, IMO.

Finally, please don’t fuck yourself with any items that other people in your household use, unless you have their explicit consent to do so. It doesn’t matter how clean you get it after you use it; it’s still a consent violation, and potentially a health and safety hazard, for other people who might encounter that object in your home later on.

Have you ever used a makeshift/homemade sex toy? How did it go?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Fun Things You Can Do With a Penis Pump

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Max Width Penis Enlarger.

I only worked in sex toy retail for a few months, but I can’t even tell you the number of people who came in searching for penis enlargement products. In fact, it was explicitly part of my training to learn which products actually work on a long-term basis (answer: almost none of them) and which are basically bullshit – although, of course, being in retail, we wouldn’t have phrased it quite like that!

Penis pumps, I have learned, are somewhere in the middle of that spectrum – they offer some temporary enlargement by way of suction encouraging bloodflow to your dick, but that’s not their main or most effectual purpose. Penis pump results are usually more about engorgement, arousal, and pleasure than they are about size – and if you use them with that expectation held firmly (heh) in your mind, I think you’ll have a much better time with them. (Just make sure to read about the risks of using them, and maybe even discuss ’em with your doctor before you do, okay?)

To get you started, here are 5 ways to play with penis pumps in your sex/kink life…

 

Size play. I know I just said these pumps do other things much better than they do enlargement… BUT… they do create a temporary and usually minor enlargement of the penis that can be really thrilling, especially if you in any way fetishize “big dicks,” “monster cocks,” “raging boners,” and so on. (I mean, in our phallus-obsessed culture, it’s hard not to have internalized some of these ideas of hotness, even if you’ve later learned to reject them for the body-shaming beliefs that underlie them.) Whether the dick being pumped up into immensity is a partner’s or your own, it may be exciting to see it become bigger, veinier, and more intimidating for a few minutes. It might even change the penis-wielder’s sense of self (and/or their partner’s sense of them) enough that they’ll feel inspired to do some kind of roleplay scene that takes advantage of their newfound cartoonish hugeness.

Press a vibrator against it. I saw someone do this in a porn clip recently and now I can’t stop thinking about it… The combination of suction and vibration can be terrifically overwhelming, and if the chap in the video I saw is anything to go by, it seems like trying to wring an orgasm out of this method would be a long, slow, teasing process, potentially resulting in a climax half-ruined by the indirectness of the stimulation. If you’re into that, hey, I’m not gonna stop you.

Chastity/denial. It’s amazing to me that I’ve read so many screeds over the years about how “blue balls” are so painful that those tormented by this sensation should be given sex out of pity (oh, boohoo, Chad, go jerk off like an adult), given that there are tons of people who enjoy and actually seek out that sensation. Not just blue balls, either, but sometimes the overall sense of intense arousal with no resolution in sight. I think it would be especially cruel to take someone out of chastity for the first time in days or weeks, shove their dick into a penis pump, use it to crank up their arousal, and then… not let them come. Back into the chastity cage you shall go! (Just as soon as your boner deflates, that is… which, let’s face it, could take a while…)

Put on a show. Most penis pumps are transparent or translucent, making them the perfect prop for an exhibitionist moment. This could be particularly useful if, due to current global circumstances, you find yourself separated from the person/people you love to fuck. I have found few long-distance sexual experiences more intimate and bonding than watching my partner try out a totally new-to-them sex toy in front of their webcam for my viewing pleasure.

Medical play. If I’m into the fantasy of a Victorian-era doctor administering clitoral stimulation by hand in order to cure me of hysteria, I have to assume there are people with penises out there who relish the thought of a sexy doctor pumping up their dick to address erectile dysfunction. As a roleplay, this could be a small penis humiliation scene if you’re into that, packed with devastating jibes about your dick’s inability to function – or it could be an ASMR-style calming experience involving focused attention and caring concern. Sounds great either way to me!

What crafty ideas come up for you when you contemplate adding a penis pump into your kinky repertoire?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

On Using Dating Sites During a Pandemic

Kate Sloan

At the beginning of this pandemic, I thought, “Guess nobody’s gonna be dating for a while” – but my friends are proving me wrong.

It’s been fascinating to observe. I have friends who’ve logged onto OkCupid just to have flirty, esoteric text chats with strangers, friends who’ve sipped coffee on Zoom dates with cute new beaux also sipping coffee in their apartment across town, and friends who’ve even met up with potential paramours for socially-distanced park picnics or patio hangs. Knowing and trusting that my friends are staying smart and staying safe (to the best of their ability within a harm-reduction framework), I admire their ingenuity in the face of the lockdown loneliness that’s hit many people hard.

I myself have even scrolled through Tinder once in a while during this global crisis (old habits die hard), looking to strike up a volley of banter with someone hot and smart. It’s not that I’m necessarily looking for new partners or dates – in fact, I very much do not have the energy for that these days, and wouldn’t feel safe meeting up with strangers just yet. It’s that I miss the sense of serendipity and possibility that comes with, say, discovering the guy sitting next to you at the cocktail bar loves the same longform improv troupe you do, or blushing when the cute clerk at the bodega tells you she likes your dress. These little hits of romantic “what if?” are so small, and rarely lead to anything more (for me, at least), but some days they are the social fuel that keeps me going. So if asking random Tinder folks offbeat questions just for the sake of conversation is the safest way to access that feeling these days, I commend anyone who chooses to do it in order to hold onto their social sanity and sense of hope.

Here are some crucial commandments to follow – in my opinion, which is not necessarily the wisest and certainly not the most medically informed opinion, mind you! – if you want to use dating services for just such purposes while we wait for a vaccine and a return to quasi-normalcy:

  1. Pick the right site/app for you. This is always the first step I recommend when embarking on online-dating adventures, because these days, the options are so plentiful and so varied that you can actually tailor your choice to your tastes and priorities. Click around the site/app to get a sense for its overall culture and what its users are generally into, whether that be casual hookups, long-term relationships, non-monogamy, or whatever else. If you’re not sure, you can also read reviews (like this Uberhorny review) of the site/app you’re considering using. Pro tip: I would imagine that sites and apps which have actively issued safety warnings to their users about COVID-19 – like Tinder and Grindr – are likelier to have cultures wherein fewer mask-eschewers and “plandemic” believers can fester.
  2. Be upfront about your intentions, ideally right in your bio so no one has to waste time on you if their desires don’t align with yours. If you’re only up for phone dates and Skype dates for the next several months, say so. If you’re hopeful that that’ll include phone sex, sexting, or what-have-you, say so. If you’re looking for someone to actually meet up with IRL during all this, say so – and include information about what safety measures you would expect to implement around that, and what you’d expect from a potential date in that arena. I know this isn’t the most “chill” stuff to put on your profile, but look, we’re not living in “chill” times.
  3. Don’t lower your standards just because times are tough and pickings are slim. Yeah, maybe all you’re seeking is a torrid sexting session with a rando, but you still deserve a rando who’s polite, respectful, and makes you feel good! Try to remember what your dating priorities were before this mess started (I know, it can be difficult to hearken back to The Before) and do your best to seek people who line up with that. It’s true that priorities can change in troubling times, but the basic facts are always still there: you don’t need to put up with people you find rude, entitled, or boring. You still deserve the high-quality connections you want – whatever that means to you – even if circumstances feel pretty different now.
  4. Make digital dates feel like “real” dates in whatever ways work for you. That might be dressing up, lighting some candles, tidying your room, making yourself a nice meal or cocktail to enjoy while you chat with your new cutie, or something else entirely. The ritual of dating has always been one of my favorite things about it, and if that’s true for you too, it’d be a pity to miss out on that comfort and excitement just because you’re stuck at home. You don’t have to have that sexting session while wearing dirty sweatpants and rocking unbrushed teeth – in fact, you’d probably feel much sexier during the convo if you didn’t!
  5. Come prepared with questions or games, because – as you might know – phone dates and Skype dates can be a little awkward at first. True, in-person dates can also be weird as fuck, but most of us have more experience with them and know how to navigate their weirdnesses better. In case of uncomfortable silences, you can usually remark on something in your environment or ask the bartender a question or whatever – not so when you’re holed up in the same bedroom you’ve been stuck in for ages! Plus, most of us have had fewer everyday social interactions these past few months than we did before, so our ability to be smooth and chatty may have eroded slightly. If I was trying to meet new dates online at this time, I would prep a few interesting questions to ask my date, and frame it (if necessary) as a game where we ask each other questions – or just set it up by simply saying, “Can I ask you something weird that I’m curious about?” You could even send your date this list of questions and take turns asking each other things.
  6. Allow for adjustments if and when you end up meeting a new beau in person, whether that’s a few weeks from now or way out in the future when the pandemic has died down significantly. I recently interviewed dating expert Camille Virginia about finding love in the time of coronavirus, and she reminded me that intimacy and rapport can feel very different online than they do offline – so your super-hot phone-sex pal might not immediately turn your crank once you can actually touch them, smell them, and see how they move through the world, but that’s okay. It takes time to adjust to each other’s in-person conversational rhythms and quirky mannerisms. “If you had a great connection over video or phone calls, try to establish a new norm with that in person,” Camille says, “because it’s a different way of being with each other. Give it a little longer.”

Have you been using dating sites/apps during the pandemic? What’s your strategy?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

15 Ways to Take Yourself on a Date During COVID Times

Kate Sloan
Pictured drinking a martini on the roadside patio at the Queen & Beaver.

I’m a long-standing proponent of the self-date, but a pandemic is not exactly the best time to go on one, to say the least. Just because you’re by yourself doesn’t automatically mean you’re self-isolating to a medically appropriate degree, y’know?

We all have our own unique lifestyles, financial situations, and risk tolerance levels in these scary times, so I know not all of these suggestions will work for you, whether due to geographic limitations, immunosuppression, anxiety, money, or any other factors. But here are some ideas for self-dates in pandemic times. Take what works for you (and what doesn’t terrify you) and leave the rest.

For the purposes of this post, let’s assume that ALL of the following activities will be performed while wearing a mask (if applicable – there are a few where it wouldn’t make sense, like those involving eating or drinking), staying several feet away from anyone you encounter, avoiding touching things as much as possible, washing your hands whenever you can, and using hand sanitizer as needed. Okay? Okay.

Go on a really long walk. This has become one of my sanity-saving measures in COVID times. It gets you outside, it gets your body moving, but it doesn’t necessarily require you to interact with anyone or endanger anyone, including yourself. Load up your phone with podcasts that make you laugh or music that makes you smile, slather yourself in sunscreen, try not to get too frustrated when the warm air emerging from your mask fogs up your sunglasses, and enjoy the day as best you can.

Read a book somewhere pretty. I’m fortunate to live within walking distance of Toronto’s harborfront; I’m sure there’s somewhere idyllic near you, even if it’s just the tiny dog park across the street. Bring a blanket so you don’t have to worry about sitting on mud, etc.

Talk on the phone from an unfamiliar location. Okay, this is more of a friend-date (or date-date) than a self-date, but you’re still physically by yourself so it kinda counts! If there’s someone you miss and are dying to talk to, you may as well do it in a locale more exciting than the house/apartment/room you’ve been trapped in for months. Take your phone (and maybe a hands-free headset situation) to a park, or a lake, or a quiet alley.

Do a selfie photoshoot in public. I can already hear you yelling that this would be embarrassing and strange. I know. That’s kind of the point of this one. We live in an era when social norms are breaking down because the world is kinda breaking down. You might as well tote a selfie stick to a place with a good backdrop and take some goofy shots of yourself in your mask et al. You can think of it as a historical document you’re creating so future sociologists will see what these times were like – or it can just be something you look back on in a couple years and (hopefully) think, “Thank god that’s over.” Bonus points if you do your makeup for the occasion (albeit only on the parts of your face that’ll be visible!).

Pick up a to-go meal from your favorite restaurant, if it’s still in operation (womp womp). This is a good excuse to go on a journey, and is also fancier and more self-care-y than just heating up another frozen burrito in your microwave. (No? Just me?)

Deliver food or gifts to someone you love. You don’t have to get anywhere near them to do this; you can just leave it on their stoop or in their mailbox, and text or call to let them know. Probably your isolated elderly great-aunt could use some toilet paper or your best friend would appreciate some basil from your herb garden.

Assign yourself a scavenger hunt. Go for a walk and… take a photo of every pink thing you see? Try to walk along 5 streets you’ve never set foot on before? Bird-watch? People-watch (from afar)? There’s always something to see, if you’re looking.

Arrange a movie night for yourself. Go all out: pick two films that work well as a double feature, plan your menu (even if it’s just popcorn and a beer), ask your friends to watch along with you if you feel like it, and settle in for a nice night of entertainment.

Be near water. If there are no oceans or lakes or rivers or streams or ponds within walking distance of you, maybe there’s an outdoor fountain or a mostly-closed wading pool or somesuch. Clementine Morrigan says being near water is good for calming your nervous system and I am inclined to agree.

Visit a significant (outdoor) place from your past, like a neighborhood you used to live in or a park where you had your first kiss. Take your journal, if you’re that way inclined, and write about how the place makes you feel and what memories it brings up.

Learn to make a new meal/drink/treat. Have you ever tried to do this with a partner? It can be wonderfully silly and fun, and there’s no reason you can’t have that same type of experience solo. The internet is full of recipes for delicious delicacies, beautiful baked goods, and top-notch tipples. Best of all, you’ll have something yummy to show for your travails when you’re done.

Take a decadent bath. Who says dates have to involve leaving your house? You can jazz up a bath (or even a languorous shower) with all sorts of goodies: beautifully-scented body wash, Epsom salts, candles, hot oil hair treatments… or just bring a waterproof sex toy in with you and call it a day!

Buy a new sex toy. A lot of sex shops are offering curbside pickup now, and they need your financial support more than ever – so if you have the means, why not buy yourself a pleasurable treat? Then take it home and seduce yourself…!

Go geocaching. I’ve never done this but it seems like a relatively low-risk thing to do these days as long as you stick to little-trafficked areas and thoroughly sanitize anything you take home with you. Here’s a video where Justin McElroy explains how to geocache.

Eat/drink on a patio. Many people still have very mixed feelings about doing this, which is very reasonable, and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to skip this one. Where I am, in Toronto, patio tables have to be properly distanced from each other, waitstaff have to get your info on file for contact-tracing, and masks and hand sanitizer are everywhere – so I feel pretty safe sitting down for a drink or a small meal at local places I hope don’t go under. Bring a book or other diversion, be polite as hell to the staff (they have it rough right now), and tip generously.

 

How have you been romancing yourself and going on self-dates in these difficult times? Or what would you like to be doing?

3 Common Masturbation Problems (& How to Fix Them)

Kate Sloan

Sexual problems, while common, are too often cloaked in shame. Most people would rather visit website after website looking for answers to their burning sex questions than ask their doctor, or a friend, or a partner. I think that’s the main reason there are so many recurrent issues in the sexuality field that “sexperts” address over and over – the culture of shame and silence around sexuality leads people to believe they’re alone in their problems, and they’re a freak for struggling with sex or masturbation. It’s sad!

You are not broken or weird or a lost cause if you have sexual struggles. That’s a huge part of what I’ve sought to communicate on this website for all these years. To that end, here are 3 problems many people have with masturbation, and my suggestions for how to solve them. Good luck!

 

“I can’t orgasm!”

This seems to be a more common problem for folks with vulvas, although it can happen to anyone. Anorgasmia is the “persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation,” and it can be the result of a medical issue, a medication side effect (common with antidepressants, for example), or – perhaps most commonly – a psychological block of some kind. So my first recommendation would be that you ask your doctor about the problem so they can run some tests and look into it, and also that you research any medications you might be on to see whether this is a side effect you can expect from them. If so, you’ll need to weigh the pros and cons of being on that medication – I couldn’t deal with orgasm-quashing antidepressants, but I didn’t need them so badly that my life would be in danger without them, so YMMV!

Beyond that: especially if you’ve never orgasmed before, I think it’ll just take you some time and practice to figure out how to get there both physically and mentally. Physically, try a vibrator (a good one – it should have rumbly vibrations and a wide variety of speeds/modes to experiment with) or other sex toys that appeal to you. Explore body parts not commonly associated with orgasm, like the nipples, anus, or A-spot, when you’re already at a high level of arousal, because there’s a chance a non-standard form of stimulation may float your boat more than the usual go-to’s.

Mentally, keep reminding yourself that pleasure is about the journey, not the destination. Focus your masturbation sessions on making yourself feel as good as possible for as long as possible – not necessarily on orgasm. Cultivate a fantasy life, whether through watching porn, reading erotica, sexting with someone who turns you on, or just conjuring explicit thoughts from your own brain – some people just need more mental stimulation than others, and that’s okay! Be aware that you quite possibly may have already orgasmed without knowing it at some point. Read about the experiences of other anorgasmic people. Develop language for communicating to partners that a lack of orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of pleasure. Don’t give up hope, but also don’t put too much pressure on yourself – either you’ll get there one day or you won’t, and either way, your body is magical and beautiful and can experience good sensations.

 

“I can’t feel my genitals!”

I hear about this most often from cis male masturbators dealing with what’s called “death grip syndrome” – a state of desensitization resulting from the habitual friction of overzealous masturbation – but it can also be the product of strong vibrators, or of medical problems or medication issues as discussed above – so see your doctor if you can’t think of a behavior-based reason this might be happening to you. In most (non-medical) cases, your desensitization will go away after a few days of abstinence from whatever activities originally caused it.

If you want to reduce desensitization factors and amp up your sensitivity going forward, here are a bunch of suggestions: Use a good lube (no matter what kind of genitals you have) and reapply as needed. Use a looser grip on your penis, or switch to a stroker, Fleshlight, etc. so the tightness will be automatically lessened compared to your hand. Use a weaker vibrator, or a lower setting on the one you own, or put a layer or two of fabric between you and the toy, or press it less hard against your body. Try a sensitizing cream or oil containing ingredients like peppermint or cinnamon. Try a penis pump or clit pump before masturbation to (gently) encourage blood flow to the area for more engorgement and heightened sensitivity. Shave or trim your pubic hair to reduce friction and make your sensitive skin more accessible to stimulation. Spend longer on “foreplay” before ever touching your genitals.

 

“Sex doesn’t feel as good as masturbation!”

Most commonly, I hear this from folks with vulvas who masturbate clitorally and are then surprised and disappointed when penetrative sex doesn’t feel as good. Maybe you know this already, but here’s a reminder: the majority of vulva-possessing people need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, since that organ is as central to our sexual response as the penis is to people who have one (the two parts are analogous, meaning they form from the same embryonic tissue). So if your partnered sex contains little to no clit stimulation, that’s the first thing you should fix. Ask your partner to spend more time on oral sex, fingering, or whatever makes you feel good; show them how you like to masturbate, so they can try to replicate it; add clit stim to any penetrative sex you may be having, with your fingers, your partner’s fingers, or a vibrator.

If that’s not your issue but sex still isn’t as good as when you’re by yourself, consider the factors that you think are causing that, and address them. Does your partner not know how to touch you the way you like? If so, show them, and gently help them practice until they figure it out. Do you feel anxiety or stress around your partner that isn’t there when you’re alone? If so, interrogate that, perhaps with your partner, and figure out how to reduce it. (Weed and a blindfold are helpful for me, for example. Sometimes I ask my partner to wear a blindfold so I don’t have to worry about how I look.) Is your partnered sex missing an element of fantasy/mental titillation that you routinely give yourself when you’re alone? If so, watch your favorite porn or read your favorite erotica with your partner, or talk dirty to them about your favorite fantasy, or tell them what you’d like them to dirty-talk about. Basically, examine the conditions that make your solo sex so great, and plan some ways of bringing those elements into the bedroom with your partner!

 

What solutions have you found for these common masturbation problems?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.