How-To

4 Ways to Practice Dirty Talk… Outside of the Bedroom

Kate Sloan
Photo courtesy of mb

Dirty talk intimidates a lot of folks, for the same reason many people would be terrified to get on a stage and do improv: “What do I say?! And what if I make a fool of myself and get laughed at?”

But as with improv, it gets easier the more that you practice, I promise. Here are 4 quick suggestions of settings ‘n’ situations that lend themselves well to dirty-talk drills…

 

1. Talk out loud when you masturbate

Often, the least intimidating way to try something new sexually is to incorporate it into solo sex first. To quote my own book: “Hey, even world-class actors rehearse in private before performing for an audience!”

You could describe the fantasies flitting through your mind, say the things you wish a partner would say to you, or just narrate what you’re physically doing. The point is to get used to saying the words, without filtering yourself too much. If you get stuck, just pretend to be your favorite porn star (or the hottest dirty-talker from your sexual history), and say what they would say!

 

2. Read erotica aloud to one another

This is often easier than coming up with your own original material, as it were, because it gives you plausible deniability: “Oh, it wasn’t me who dreamed up those filthy ideas – it was the author, whose words I was simply reciting!” 😇

But this also gives you practice saying sexy words out loud, and lets you appreciate your partner’s reactions to the hottest parts, which may motivate you to try your hand at dirty talk without a script someday.

 

3. Text your partner “I was just thinking about…”

Sexting is lower-pressure than dirty-talking aloud for many people, so you could always start there. I’ll sometimes tell my partner what I fantasized about during a masturbation session earlier that day, or I might describe a hot erotica story I read or cool porn clip I watched.

Sure, sometimes I feel a flash of shame as I convey these things – that’s natural, in a sex-negative world that frequently punishes authentic expressions of desire – but that’s why it’s good to practice. The more shame I work through, the less of it I feel.

 

4. Fantasize together at a sex shop

Sometimes, when words fail you, it can be helpful to shop sex toys together – the objects on the shelves act as inspiration, much like the ‘suggestion’ that prompts an improv scene!

Weave through the aisles with your sweetheart and point out products that catch your eye, whispering to each other if you dare: “I’d love to bend you over and use that paddle on you.” “Your cock would look so good sinking into that stroker.” “I’d hold that vibe on you until your eyes rolled back in your head.” 😈 Maybe you’ll buy something, maybe not – but the communication you’ll open up between the two of you is priceless.

 

What are your favorite ways to practice talking dirty when you feel a little rusty at it?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How (& Why) to Try Financial Domination in Your Relationship

Kate Sloan

Financial domination (a.k.a. findom) is a widely misunderstood kink, often thought to be the sole domain of sex workers – and while SWs are obviously total pros at it (literally!), findom can also be done within personal relationships. I would know, because I’ve done it in mine!

So, whether you decide to bring up this kink with a current partner, or seek out a new one on a findom dating site, here are my top tips for trying findom…

 

Figure out your “why”

It’s understandable if findom holds no appeal for you, especially in these economically precarious times. However, if there is some part of you that feels intrigued by this kink, it’s good to ponder why, and then discuss your answer(s) with your partner(s).

To jump-start your thinking, here are some common reasons financial domination turns people on:

  • Power: At its simplest, findom is about power exchange, same as any other type of dominance-&-submission play. Money is power in our society, and so, when you give your money away, you are giving away some of your power. Some people find that very hot – and likewise, some people find it equally hot to be given that power, either freely or through (consensual, play-acted) “force.”
  • Objectification: Being objectified (or objectifying someone else) is a popular kink which can take many forms, and findom is one of them. In her book Mating in Captivity, for instance, couples’ therapist Esther Perel writes about a husband who struggled to see his wife in a sexual light after their kids were born, because of his (very common) Madonna/whore complex. Perel recommended they “introduce a little healthy objectification” into their sex life, so the wife told her husband she’d give him an “involved, prolonged, great blowjob”… for a hundred bucks. And it worked! It helped him to see her as a sexual being again, instead of as “just” the mother of his children.
  • Cuckolding: Some people incorporate findom into their cuck kink, by (for example) paying for their partner to go on a date with someone else, or buying them fancy lingerie for said date. Money can massively raise the stakes on such interactions.
  • Alleviating guilt/shame about money: My partner makes significantly more money than me, and I sometimes feel bad when she buys me nice things or takes me nice places, because I worry that she feels obligated, or that I shouldn’t be such a spoiled princess. But through findom, we can recast these kindnesses as part of our kink dynamic, which makes it easier for me to accept them. When I attire myself and carry myself like one of those hot leather-clad dommes from fetish porn and online femdom sites, I can feel like I deserve to be a spoiled princess!

 

Set clear lines around certain activities

This might be controversial, but I don’t think you should financially incentivize any sexual activity that you want to continue doing for free at some point in the future. When humans get paid to do something, they tend to lose the intrinsic motivation to do that thing without being paid; this is called the overjustification effect.

For this reason, I’d suggest either only paying (or being paid) for activities you wouldn’t otherwise do much or at all, or setting up a very specific “container” in which you’ll be paid, such as a roleplay where you’re both in-character as someone other than yourself. Hopefully these measures will keep the overjustification effect at bay.

 

Decide on a budget everyone can handle

When it comes to findom, I would never advise someone to play outside their means. You should not be going into debt or stressing yourself out just to participate in this kink!

This is why it’s a good idea to negotiate a specific budget before any findom scene, and to agree on a safeword so either party can tap out if they want to.

And by the way, there’s no rule that says you have to use real money. If Monopoly money still makes your brain chemicals go brrr, then by all means, use it!

 

3 scene ideas for findom beginners:

  • Have your partner pay you a certain agreed-upon amount for an activity you might not otherwise do very often or at all, like a striptease, bootblacking, or foot massage. You could do this as a client/provider roleplay if you like.
  • Agree on a budget and then go shopping for something frivolous/fun/sexy – like lingerie, sex toys, or porno mags – on one partner’s dime. When not interacting with sales staff, you can roleplay as a spoiled brat and doting caregiver, or whatever else feels hot to you.
  • If your relationship structure allows for it, and if you’re into the cuckoldy angle, have one partner pay for the other’s drinks/dinner/etc. on a date with someone else. Alternatively, just pay for them to enjoy some self-care – e.g. a mani-pedi, facial, or deep tissue massage. Maybe they can text you a selfie from the spa/salon/etc., playfully taunting you for being a hapless paypig 😘

 

Have you ever tried findom? How did it feel for you?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

6 hot ways to use the Hole Punch Fluke (which is on sale right now!!)

Kate Sloan

The Hole Punch Fluke is one of my all-time favorite sex toys. In fact, if you told me I was being banished to a desert island and could only take 5 toys with me (you sadistic monster!), here’s what I’d bring, assuming said island had power outlets…

  1. The Eroscillator Top Deluxe, for the best and most consistent clitoral orgasms.
  2. The Magic Wand Rechargeable, for pleasuring all kinds of genitals and massaging sore muscles (actually, maybe the Waterproof would be better for the desert island lifestyle…).
  3. The Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, because if I have to be marooned at sea then I might as well be able to fuck the shit out of my A-spot and come really hard.
  4. The Njoy Pure Wand, because it’s a G-spot whisperer and reliably induces squirting, which would make it useful for tension relief while I’m stressed out of my mind, foraging to survive on an island. (Am I taking this question too literally?!)
  5. …and finally, the almighty Hole Punch Fluke. Nothing else in my collection is quite like it.

I noticed recently that the Fluke is on clearance sale at SheVibe, currently marked down from $67 to $54 – so it felt like a good time to tell you about some of the many ways you can use this wonderful toy, since I want to tempt as many people as possible to add one to their collection! It really is that good. This deal won’t last, so I highly suggest picking one up while you can! Here are some things you can do with it…

1. Wear it vaginally during masturbation. I often joke that the Fluke is a great toy for lazy masturbators, which is true – once inserted, it presses firmly against my G-spot with zero effort on my part, so there’s no need to bother with thrusting. That being said, laziness isn’t the only reason someone might want a toy like this – folks with disabilities or chronic pain, like myself, might also find the Fluke useful. On a bad flare-up day, I hate having to decide between honoring my body’s limits and stroking the fuck outta my G-spot – and with the Fluke, I don’t have to choose. It significantly intensifies my solo orgasms without me having to do much of anything.

2. Wear it anally during masturbation. Yep, you can do that too! I don’t use my Fluke anally because its 2″ diameter exceeds my current anal ambitions, but its flared head is so perf for G-spot stimulation that I have to assume it’d hit the prostate equally well – or, less directly, the G-spot through the vaginal wall.

3. Wear it while receiving oral sex. Quite possibly my favorite usage! Coordinating oral sex with fingerbanging can be tricky for even the deftest casanovas, but when the Fluke is inserted, it handles the internal stimulation so my partner can focus fully on external stimulation. This makes it a lot easier for me to reach orgasm from oral, which can otherwise be elusive for me – and the orgasms are extra intense because the Fluke presses so firmly against my G-spot. Once in a while, it even makes me squirt, hands-free!

4. Wear it for a while as warm-up. Sometimes my partner will have me insert a plug like the Fluke, either vaginally or anally, an hour or so before sex. It’s not the most comfortable choice for long-term wear, so I wouldn’t recommend it for public play, especially if you’ll be walking around – but it can be fun to slip it in before watching some porn together or somesuch, and it may help relax your hole enough to make any subsequent penetration easier/comfier.

5. Wear it during a spanking or other sadomasochistic scene. Due to subspace and other factors, I’m not always consciously aware of how turned on I’m getting during a spanking unless someone points it out to me – and similarly, the Fluke’s presence makes me achingly aware of each time my cunt clenches in arousal, which helps build more arousal, like a horny feedback loop. Plus it probably looks hot from my partner’s perspective…

6. Wear it as part of a chastity or denial roleplay. While this isn’t necessarily my jam (at least not as a bottom/sub), I can see how it could be fun to use the Fluke as a sort of barricade to your vag or butt – preventing you from getting fucked there and/or denying someone else the ability to fuck you there. The toy itself is still plenty stimulating though, as we’ve discussed, so it’s not like you’re being denied that much – it’s more about the psychological experience of it. Actually, I bet some people could even come hands-free just from squeezing around the Fluke, if they really put their mind to it!

Well, I know what toy I’ll be using tonight… If I’ve piqued your interest, here’s the link to go get a Fluke of your own at a deliciously discounted price! I’ve recommended this fantastic toy to countless people over the years, and that’s no fluke. 😉

5 Ways to (Hopefully!) Tell If Your New Crush Is Chill About Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

Going on first dates in my twenties was always a crapshoot in many ways. Would my date look like their photo, ask me a single question about myself, or put effort into making me come? There was no way to know in advance. Like all of us who engage in the weird and wondrous ritual that is modern dating, I just had to trust the process and hope for the best.

Or so I thought.

See, over the years, as I’ve gotten more involved with kinky and queer communities, I’ve learned a lot more about “vetting” new partners. Sometimes this happens in very overt ways, like when you ask a hot stranger at the dungeon to tell you about their safewords and other consent practices before agreeing to play with them. But vetting can also happen more subtly, as a way of ascertaining information that can establish compatibility and may even keep you safe – like “Has this person even heard of the concept of polyamory?” or “Is this person going to do/say something bigoted if I come out to them as bi?”

Polyamory, queerness, and kink are all topics I try to “vet” new potential partners’ stances on, because anyone who plans to date or fuck me will need to have at least a working knowledge of these things – and likewise, I love sex toys (as the 13+ years of sex toy reviews on this blog can attest!) and only want to have sex with people who are similarly enthusiastic about them, or are, at the very least, chill as hell about them.

If you, too, view toy-positivity as a vital trait in your potential paramours, here are some pro tips that just might help you suss out your crush’s views on sex toys. (Frankly, many of these tips could also be used to vet for kinkiness, among other things!)

 

Bring up a news story

If you don’t follow the sex toy beat as obsessively as I do (and why would you?), you might not know that sex toys are in the news pretty much every day. Even just scrolling up through my recent text chain with my dad (who follows a lot of news sources and often sends me sex toy-related things when he sees them), I see a story about a domestic boom in China’s sex toy industry, one about a malfunctioning sex toy causing a house fire in Staten Island, an article in which an ER doctor warned against the usage of urethral sounds, and one about a thrift store that accidentally put some metal butt plugs out for sale labeled as doorknobs.

There’s not always an easy or natural way to bring up a news story, but you can pretend to come across it on your phone while you’re with your crush and watch their reaction when you tell them about it – or you can do what I do, as an unabashed news nerd, and simply launch into a speech like, “I was just reading this news story about a case of vibrators that fell off a cargo ship… Isn’t that so tragic? I feel bad for the people who don’t get to have their vibrators now!” Watch for any microexpressions or protestations that give them away as being vibe-phobic!

 

Bring up a past memory

Tread carefully with this one, because some people are not gonna want to hear a sex story about your ex… but I’ve occasionally gotten good mileage out of casually telling an anecdote that is instructive about what not to do, e.g. “One time I hooked up with this guy who said that me using a vibrator during sex was ‘weird,’ and that made me so mad that I never fucked him again!” (Naturally, as with any anecdote that could be deemed inappropriate or sensitive, you gotta pick your moments to bring up this kind of thing. I’d only tend to tell a story like this if our conversation had already veered in a sexual direction.)

That being said, positive (or even neutral) anecdotes about sex toys can be instructive too. For instance, I remember once telling a crush a story about the time a security guard at a music venue found a dildo in my bag as I was trying to get into a rock concert. The dildo itself, and my reasons for having it, aren’t what the story is about, exactly – it’s about the awkward-but-funny interaction I had with the security guard over it – but if a person was uncomfortable with dildos, that would likely be evident in their reaction (or pointedly blank non-reaction, as the case may be!).

 

Bring up (or queue up) a media reference

Look, who even cares that the rabbit vibrator episode of Sex & the City aired a whopping 27 years ago?! You can still be like, “Ooh, wanna watch an episode of one of my favorite shows with me?” and then just ‘happen’ to choose the episode where Charlotte uses a rabbit vibe. Or the one where Samantha uses a wand vibe. Or the… other one where Samantha uses a different wand vibe. (I know too much about the history of wand vibes, evidently…)

There are, of course, plenty of other media depictions of sex toys, from the strap-on in Broad City to the sex doll in Lars & the Real Girl to the butt plug-shaped trophy in Everything Everywhere All At Once. While a person may not come right out and say “I disapprove of what is being portrayed!” their reaction may still give you some useful data to add to the pile.

 

Walk past (or into) a sex shop

Say you’re out on a date, and en route from dinner to a nightcap, you happen to stroll past a sex shop. You could comment with curious wonder (or experienced approval) on whatever you see in the window, could take the opportunity to tell a toy-related anecdote (see above), or could even flash your crush an impish smile and say, “Wanna go in?”

I often find it amazingly informative – not to mention hot – to wander through a sex shop with someone I’m newly interested in. There are so many conversation-sparking comments and questions you can spout about anything and everything that you see around you: “Ooh, I love this one!” “Have you ever tried this kind of thing?” “OMG, I’ve always wondered what these feel like.” “Does this intrigue you at all?” “Wow, that’s beautiful.” “What’s the most you would ever spend on a sex toy?” “I remember the first time I went into a sex shop…” “I wonder if this place is hiring!” However they respond to any of this, it will be very telling.

It’s also telling to observe which items in the store catch their eye – what do they go up to and stare at, what do they ask questions about, what toy packaging or lube labels do they scrutinize? Use your best judgment to decide when it’s appropriate to comment on this kind of stuff; I probably wouldn’t go up to a crush who was eying the enemas and say, “Thinking about cleaning your butt out, huh?” for instance, because being in a sex shop at all is vulnerable enough for most people as-is, without some well-meaning sex-positive scamp narrating your idle musings aloud!

 

Just fuckin’ ask

You really gotta read the room on this one, and hopefully you’ve established enough rapport that this doesn’t come across as unhingedly out-of-touch, but sometimes you can really just say something like, “What are your views on sex toys? I love them and have a bunch of them.”

With personal questions like this, I often recommend that you answer the question yourself upfront, as in that example. It’s a good-faith demonstration that you’re asking them to step out on a limb that you yourself will also willingly step onto. It’s also an opportunity to set the tone for what kind of answer you’re expecting, so that hopefully, even if they have an objection of some kind, they will voice it calmly and non-judgmentally.

As with all of these suggestions, it’s important to remember: If it does turn out that your crush has beef with sex toys, it’s good to know that ASAP, so you can make decisions accordingly, ideally before putting a label on things, developing a strong emotional attachment, or falling in love. You deserve pleasure, and you deserve to be partnered with people who care about your pleasure, instead of being suspicious or resentful of it – and so it is absolutely valid to want to filter out the vibrator-haters however and whenever you can.

 

How do you like to vet new partners for their chillness with regards to sex toys?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Customize Your First Fantasy Dildo!

Kate Sloan
Pictured: the Nothosaur Graptor, which I’ll be reviewing here within the next month or so!

Fantasy dildos are some of the zaniest toys on the market, boasting wild shapes, bold colors, and (often) extensive mythological lore. Their designs are impressively creative, and perhaps even more impressive is the way you can often customize a fantasy dildo to your particular specifications. Nothing makes me feel quite as fancy as a bespoke dong!

The customization process can be intimidating, though, especially if you’ve never done it before or just haven’t gotten a strong sense yet of your own sex toy preferences yet. So today I’ve partnered with the folks at Juliet Toys, a retailer that carries dozens upon dozens of fantasy dildos, most of which can be customized. Let me walk you through the main considerations when devising your dream dildo…

Shape vs. Fantasy

Before you even get to the customization part, you have to choose which dildo you actually want. The way I see it, there are two main ways to approach this decision: Do you want a dildo with a particular shape, or a dildo that suits a particular fantasy?

For instance, even if canine-inspired dildos don’t do anything for you mentally, you might enjoy the knotted shape for how it stimulates your G-spot or prostate. On the flipside, I’ve occasionally chosen fantasy dildos to review based solely on the intriguing fantasies they inspired in me, like a robot dick or an alien appendage, without caring too much about the shape. In the ideal situation, however, you’d find a dildo which ticks both your boxes, so to speak – one which appeals to you both psychologically and physically. That’s really the hole-y grail.

While we’re talking shape, it’s worth noting that a dildo needs to have a flared-base to be anal-safe. A flared base also makes a dildo harness-compatible, although so can a Vac-U-Lock hole in the base (more on that below).

Image via Juliet Toys

Size

Fantasy dildos tend to run large. To give you a sense of what I mean: I have occasionally been accused of being a size queen in the past, because I enjoy glass and metal dildos up to 2″ in diameter… which is the same width as the knot on the small size of this “Pooch” dildo. For this reason, always check and double-check the measurements of the size option(s) you’re considering, which will generally be listed on the product page.

If you already own a penetrative sex toy of some kind (or many of them, as the case may be!), you can measure them – or check their measurements in their manual or on the brand’s website – to get a sense of what sizes have/haven’t worked well for you before. Another method you could try, if you enjoy being fingered, is to measure your own fingers (or a partner’s) while bunched together into a fingerfucking formation, and compare those to the product’s dimensions. (This is easiest to do with either a tape measure, or a piece of string and a ruler.)

Firmness

Depending on its firmness or “shore,” a silicone dildo can feel like a fully-flaccid dick, or like the hardest erection you’ve ever felt, or anywhere in between. Since this is another hugely subjective consideration, here’s a bunch of rapid-fire questions to help you decide:

  • Are you new to dildos, or to penetration in general? If so, a softer toy may be comfier.
  • Do you know that you’re prone to vaginal/anal irritation or pain? If so, a softer toy may be comfier. (And please use a good water-based lube with it.)
  • Have you chosen a dildo size that’s larger than you’re used to? If so, a softer toy may be comfier.
  • Does the design of your dildo feature any irregular/jagged edges, intense ribbed/dotted/veiny texture, and/or stark and non-gradual changes in diameter along the shaft? If so, a softer toy may be comfier.
  • Do you like being penetrated hard/fast/rough? Then you’d probably prefer a firmer toy, especially if you’re seeking to target the G-spot or prostate.
  • Do you find that your orgasms feel better when you have something to squeeze/clench around? If so, you might prefer a firmer toy.
  • Would you describe yourself as a size queen/king/monarch? If so, you might prefer a firmer toy, because they feel bigger/more filling.
  • Do you plan on using the toy in a strap-on harness? If so, you’ll want it to be firm enough that it can stand up on its own, but not so firm that it could hurt someone if you get a little too zealous (especially if you’re a new/inexperienced strap-on top), so a medium firmness is probably best.
  • What fantasies do you plan on pairing with this dildo, if any, and would they be benefited by a particular firmness option?
Image via Juliet Toys

Color

Sex toy aesthetics are a very personal matter; I can’t tell you how to pick a dildo color any more than I can tell you what color to paint your bedroom, because that all depends on you, baby. However, some questions to ask yourself might include:

  • Do I plan on using this dildo in a strap-on at any point, and if so, do I want it to be close to the skin tone of the person who’ll be wearing it?
  • Do I care if this toy matches/looks good with any of my other toys, or my partners’ other toys (perhaps including a strap-on harness, as mentioned)?
  • Do I care if this toy matches/looks good with my bedroom decor?
  • Do I plan on taking any photos or videos that feature this toy, and if so, what color(s) would work best for the lighting and backdrop etc. that I’m envisioning?
  • Do I want a dark-colored toy to conceal any potentially “embarrassing” substances like menstrual blood or fecal matter, should those situations arise? (These can be easily washed off a silicone toy with soap and water, but some people feel uncomfortable at the thought of these substances being visible at all during sex, in which case darker toys may help, similarly to using black latex gloves for anal fingering.)

One more tip on colors: If you ever see a fantasy dildo that has some solid-color options and some gradient/multicolor options, generally the latter are gonna be prettier, not to mention more unique and eye-catching. I’ve never regretted choosing one over a more uniform colorway. (The purple-to-powder-pink fade on this butt plug, for example? Iconic!) Sometimes these are more expensive than single-color toys, however, so keep an eye on the price.

Base Features

Some fantasy dildos can be customized to have a hole in the base, which is compatible with Vac-U-Lock accessories (sold separately). These accessories include things like harnesses, dildo mounts, fucking machines, handles, and suction-cup bases. Even if you don’t plan on using your toy with any Vac-U-Lock accessories, though, you may still want to consider this customization option, because 1) maybe you’ll change your mind down the road, 2) you can jam a small vibrator into the hole for some extra sensation, and 3) using the hole as a “finger hole” (à la bowling ball) can be a more ergonomic way to grip the toy for some users.

I’ve occasionally seen other base options offered, like a suction cup – which is great if you want to use the toy hands-free – or a hole specifically sized to fit a standard bullet vibe. If you’re offered one of these options and you’re unsure whether to go for it, I’d lean yes, because you can’t really make your own hole in the base of the toy if you change your mind later, but it also won’t be disruptive if you end up never using it.

Cum Tube: Y/N?

Not all fantasy toys offer a cum-tube option, but some do, like the Luna squirting dildo. I think you probably already know in your heart whether a cum tube interests you or not; it’s just one of those things! But if you’re on the fence, consider the tube’s practical benefit as well as its aesthetic ones: It can be useful for adding more lube without having to take the dildo all the way out of you.

The way a cum tube looks during use is generally considered its main selling point, though – so if you, your partner(s), and/or your online audience are fond of the sight of an ejaculating cock, it might be worth checking off the cum-tube option when you place your dildo order. There’s also ovipositor dildos, for those of you who prefer a different sort of ejaculation…

 

Fantasy dildo lovers: Anything I missed here? Any crucial considerations that you’d urge newbies to consider before purchasing?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.