How-To

3 Common Masturbation Problems (& How to Fix Them)

Kate Sloan

Sexual problems, while common, are too often cloaked in shame. Most people would rather visit website after website looking for answers to their burning sex questions than ask their doctor, or a friend, or a partner. I think that’s the main reason there are so many recurrent issues in the sexuality field that “sexperts” address over and over – the culture of shame and silence around sexuality leads people to believe they’re alone in their problems, and they’re a freak for struggling with sex or masturbation. It’s sad!

You are not broken or weird or a lost cause if you have sexual struggles. That’s a huge part of what I’ve sought to communicate on this website for all these years. To that end, here are 3 problems many people have with masturbation, and my suggestions for how to solve them. Good luck!

 

“I can’t orgasm!”

This seems to be a more common problem for folks with vulvas, although it can happen to anyone. Anorgasmia is the “persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation,” and it can be the result of a medical issue, a medication side effect (common with antidepressants, for example), or – perhaps most commonly – a psychological block of some kind. So my first recommendation would be that you ask your doctor about the problem so they can run some tests and look into it, and also that you research any medications you might be on to see whether this is a side effect you can expect from them. If so, you’ll need to weigh the pros and cons of being on that medication – I couldn’t deal with orgasm-quashing antidepressants, but I didn’t need them so badly that my life would be in danger without them, so YMMV!

Beyond that: especially if you’ve never orgasmed before, I think it’ll just take you some time and practice to figure out how to get there both physically and mentally. Physically, try a vibrator (a good one – it should have rumbly vibrations and a wide variety of speeds/modes to experiment with) or other sex toys that appeal to you. Explore body parts not commonly associated with orgasm, like the nipples, anus, or A-spot, when you’re already at a high level of arousal, because there’s a chance a non-standard form of stimulation may float your boat more than the usual go-to’s.

Mentally, keep reminding yourself that pleasure is about the journey, not the destination. Focus your masturbation sessions on making yourself feel as good as possible for as long as possible – not necessarily on orgasm. Cultivate a fantasy life, whether through watching porn, reading erotica, sexting with someone who turns you on, or just conjuring explicit thoughts from your own brain – some people just need more mental stimulation than others, and that’s okay! Be aware that you quite possibly may have already orgasmed without knowing it at some point. Read about the experiences of other anorgasmic people. Develop language for communicating to partners that a lack of orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of pleasure. Don’t give up hope, but also don’t put too much pressure on yourself – either you’ll get there one day or you won’t, and either way, your body is magical and beautiful and can experience good sensations.

 

“I can’t feel my genitals!”

I hear about this most often from cis male masturbators dealing with what’s called “death grip syndrome” – a state of desensitization resulting from the habitual friction of overzealous masturbation – but it can also be the product of strong vibrators, or of medical problems or medication issues as discussed above – so see your doctor if you can’t think of a behavior-based reason this might be happening to you. In most (non-medical) cases, your desensitization will go away after a few days of abstinence from whatever activities originally caused it.

If you want to reduce desensitization factors and amp up your sensitivity going forward, here are a bunch of suggestions: Use a good lube (no matter what kind of genitals you have) and reapply as needed. Use a looser grip on your penis, or switch to a stroker, Fleshlight, etc. so the tightness will be automatically lessened compared to your hand. Use a weaker vibrator, or a lower setting on the one you own, or put a layer or two of fabric between you and the toy, or press it less hard against your body. Try a sensitizing cream or oil containing ingredients like peppermint or cinnamon. Try a penis pump or clit pump before masturbation to (gently) encourage blood flow to the area for more engorgement and heightened sensitivity. Shave or trim your pubic hair to reduce friction and make your sensitive skin more accessible to stimulation. Spend longer on “foreplay” before ever touching your genitals.

 

“Sex doesn’t feel as good as masturbation!”

Most commonly, I hear this from folks with vulvas who masturbate clitorally and are then surprised and disappointed when penetrative sex doesn’t feel as good. Maybe you know this already, but here’s a reminder: the majority of vulva-possessing people need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, since that organ is as central to our sexual response as the penis is to people who have one (the two parts are analogous, meaning they form from the same embryonic tissue). So if your partnered sex contains little to no clit stimulation, that’s the first thing you should fix. Ask your partner to spend more time on oral sex, fingering, or whatever makes you feel good; show them how you like to masturbate, so they can try to replicate it; add clit stim to any penetrative sex you may be having, with your fingers, your partner’s fingers, or a vibrator.

If that’s not your issue but sex still isn’t as good as when you’re by yourself, consider the factors that you think are causing that, and address them. Does your partner not know how to touch you the way you like? If so, show them, and gently help them practice until they figure it out. Do you feel anxiety or stress around your partner that isn’t there when you’re alone? If so, interrogate that, perhaps with your partner, and figure out how to reduce it. (Weed and a blindfold are helpful for me, for example. Sometimes I ask my partner to wear a blindfold so I don’t have to worry about how I look.) Is your partnered sex missing an element of fantasy/mental titillation that you routinely give yourself when you’re alone? If so, watch your favorite porn or read your favorite erotica with your partner, or talk dirty to them about your favorite fantasy, or tell them what you’d like them to dirty-talk about. Basically, examine the conditions that make your solo sex so great, and plan some ways of bringing those elements into the bedroom with your partner!

 

What solutions have you found for these common masturbation problems?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How I Found a Kink-Positive, Polyamory-Savvy Therapist

Kate Sloan

A couple months ago, I decided I was tired of carrying around years-old trauma baggage, and wanted to start working through some of it. Blessedly, I also found myself in a stable enough financial position that, for the first time in my life, I could afford to see a therapist whose fees were not handled by the Canadian government. It was time.

I ended up finding a really rad person who is very much equipped to handle the exact problems I intend to work on. But as you may know, that can be super hard to do if you are – like me – queer, kinky, and non-monogamous. Finding a practitioner with a working knowledge of these topics – let alone someone who has lived experience in these communities – is way harder than it should be, as evidenced by the number of people who have said to me, “I’m so jealous! I can’t find a good therapist!” lately when I’ve relayed this news.

So, in the hopes of being helpful, here’s the process I went through to find my current therapist. Best of luck!

Step 1: Figure Out Your Priorities

Granted, when going through times of psychological distress, we don’t always know exactly what is causing the turmoil we feel, or what kinds of approaches might help. But if you have any sense of the therapeutic modality(/ies) you’d like to explore, that’s good to know, as most therapists have particular methodologies they like best and know the most about. I knew, for example, that I wanted someone who knew a lot about the somatic effects of trauma. I knew, too, that cognitive-behavioral therapy hadn’t been particularly helpful for these issues in the past, so I wanted someone who didn’t rely too much on that modality. And I knew I wanted someone who would push me toward actual action and change, instead of just listening to me and affirming my feelings (which is great, but not enough in my case).

I also knew that whoever I chose would have to be reasonably knowledgeable about queerness, kink, and non-monogamy (as those are pivotal parts of the traumas I wanted to examine, and of my life itself), as well as gender (since my partner is nonbinary and many people I love fall under the trans umbrella). These things were non-negotiable because a lot of my roadblocks with previous therapists had come from them having little to no experience with clients in these communities and mostly just asking me, “What do other queer/kinky/polyam people do in your situation?” which, as you can imagine, wasn’t all that useful for me.

Step 2: Filter & Search

There are several websites dedicated to cataloguing therapists who work with various subcultures and marginal communities; Poly-Friendly Professionals is one, for instance, and so is Kink-Friendly Therapy. However, I wasn’t able to find as many practitioners in my geographic area on these sites as I wanted to. (If you live in a large U.S. city, your results might be different.)

After a little Googling, I discovered that PsychologyToday.com lets you search for therapists in your area and filter them by the issues they say they’re best equipped to handle (e.g. trauma), the modalities they use (e.g. somatic), and – best of all, for people like us – the communities they say they’re allied with (e.g. gay, transgender, kinky, non-monogamous). This is a total game-changer.

I narrowed down my search with a few filters and then opened a zillion tabs of different therapists’ pages so I could have a closer look at each of them. Most profiles on the site contain information about the practitioners’ degrees and certifications, how long they’ve been practicing, and what their rates are. This ought to give you a much more specific sense of which people are well-suited to you and which aren’t.

Step 3: Narrow It Down

Because I’m a nerd, I made a spreadsheet on Google Sheets of the top contenders from my PsychologyToday search. Its columns included: name, accreditation(s), rate, modalities, relevant identities (i.e. are they themselves queer/kinky/non-monogamous?), poly competency, trauma competency, and suggested next steps (i.e. whether their profile said they offered an introductory consultation call for new potential clients). This helped me see the bigger picture and eliminate some folks who didn’t seem like an optimal fit for me.

I sent out about 10-15 emails to therapists that fit the specifications I was looking for, and explained the issues I wanted to work on. Then I waited for their responses. Some never answered at all; some told me they weren’t accepting new clients at the moment; some wrote vague emails saying they thought they could handle what I’d asked about, without actually acknowledging the words of what I’d said.

Ultimately, the therapists who stood out to me were the ones whose replies specifically mentioned the issues I’d brought up, and related those issues to their own therapeutic approach(es). I also paid attention to how I felt when reading these emails, because a therapist’s “vibe” can be an important clue as to their potential compatibility with you.

Step 4: Consultations

Most of the therapists I contacted offer a free 15- or 20-minute consultation call (via phone or video chat) so the two of you can get a sense of each other and figure out whether you’ll be a good fit. I scheduled 3 of these calls, with the 3 most promising prospects from my shortlist: therapists who seemed confident they could handle my issues and whose rates were affordable for me.

In those chats, each therapist told me a bit about themselves and how they approach therapy. They allowed me to ask questions about their modalities of choice. I also made sure to ask them about their levels of experience, knowledge, and comfort around kink, queerness, gender, and non-monogamy, because – sadly – writing in your profile that you’re savvy about those things doesn’t necessarily mean that you are. I specifically brought up Daddy Dom/little girl kink in these conversations, because it’s a central part of my life and I know that some people are squicked out by it, so I wanted to make sure it would be okay for me to talk about it. It was also important to me that my new therapist avoid blaming my kinks on my trauma, or stigmatizing/pathologizing my kinks (the world does enough of that already!), so I made sure to mention that specifically.

When I talked to the therapist I ultimately ended up going with, I noticed she was listening to me very closely and would mirror my sentiments back to me in a way that felt very affirming. She also told me that she had lived experience with non-monogamy and non-normative genders, and that she’d worked with kinky clients and had a good understanding of kink but was not kinky herself. It was a mix of these more practical considerations and an overall good vibe that made me decide I should start seeing her.

 

I hope this helps you! Feel free to let me know in the comments if you have any tips of your own for finding therapists who are competent in these areas, or other niches/subcultures.

50 Non-Pandemic-Related Questions to Ask People on Dating Apps

Kate Sloan

My #1 online-dating pet peeve is bad conversational skills. It doesn’t exactly bode well to begin an exchange with someone you presumably hope to impress by merely saying “Hi.” Sure, maybe that works in a bar setting, where a person can get an immediate, at-a-glance sense of your vibe/style, but a Tinder inbox requires more from you than that. To be interesting, you have to be interested.

That said, we’re at a strange moment in history (to say the least) where “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” can come across as oblivious or even insensitive. (How the fuck do you think I’m doing, Chad??) But you also don’t want to veer too far into commiseration land, because the trials and tribulations of quarantining are not exactly fun, fresh, flirty conversation fodder. So what’s a modern dater to do?

I’ve come up with 50 questions you can ask someone on your dating site/app of choice that have nothing to do with the pandemic situation. Sure, it might come up in some people’s answers, but only if they want to go there. Asking fun questions in your opening message is always a good idea, but particularly so at a time like this when everyone wants a dose of escapism and connection – that’s probably why they’re looking at their dating-app inbox in the first place. Try some of these and let me know how it goes!

  1. What’s the best piece of advice anyone ever gave you about [romance/business/creativity]?
  2. What song or album are you obsessing over right now?
  3. What’s your favorite memory from childhood?
  4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
  5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up, and how does that relate to what you do now?
  6. Who is the most famous person you have met?
  7. What’s an outfit you feel amazing in and why?
  8. What’s the best thing you know how to cook or bake, and how did you learn to make it?
  9. What’s a movie you wouldn’t necessarily say is your all-time favorite, but that you love nonetheless?
  10. What’s a weird inside joke you have with a friend and how did it start?
  11. What’s a common misconception about your job?
  12. What was the last book you read, and did you enjoy it?
  13. Do you feel like you’ve found your “life purpose” yet?
  14. What country would you like to move to if you had the chance?
  15. When was the last time you did something that made you nervous?
  16. Did you have any weird hobbies when you were a kid?
  17. What’s your morning routine?
  18. What’s your favorite holiday?
  19. What is the wildest lie you’ve ever told?
  20. What’s your favorite scent?
  21. Who would you consider a hero of yours and why?
  22. What do you keep on your nightstand?
  23. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
  24. What part of your body do you like the most?
  25. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?
  26. What would you do with your time if capitalism was abolished?
  27. What’s your favorite word?
  28. What role does social media play in your life, and how do you feel about that?
  29. What’s your favorite thing about your home?
  30. What celebrity do you think would make a really great roommate?
  31. Which fictional character do you most identify with and why?
  32. What’s a piece of media that can reliably make you cry?
  33. What’s a task most people don’t like doing that you actually enjoy?
  34. What do you think will be the biggest technological innovation in our lifetimes?
  35. If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
  36. What’s an item of clothing you wish you owned?
  37. What makes your best friend so terrific?
  38. What’s the last problem you solved?
  39. What’s one of your hidden talents?
  40. What’s the most athletic thing you’ve ever done?
  41. What’s a social rule or expectation you totally ignore?
  42. What’s the most common compliment you receive?
  43. What’s the best kiss you’ve ever had?
  44. If you were going to start a podcast, what would it be about?
  45. What’s an out-of-character decision you’ve made recently?
  46. What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever worn?
  47. What’s something you love, without really knowing why you love it so much?
  48. What’s a bad habit you’re trying to break?
  49. What’s the fanciest event you’ve ever been to, and what did you wear?
  50. What question do you wish more people would ask you?

5 Ways to Explore Exhibitionism While Social-Distancing

Kate Sloan

As I’ve said before, one of the (seemingly very few) silver linings of the current global pandemic is that those of us privileged enough to be able to stay home will now have more time for sex, pleasure, and exploration – at least, if our libidos manage to overcome the anxiety we’re all feeling!

You could, for example, use this time to lean into any exhibitionistic impulses you’ve been harboring. Sometimes feeling desirable is the best cure for a low mood. Lucky for you, I’ve got some suggestions for ways to show off sexually without ever leaving your house!

Start with sexting. If you haven’t yet discovered the joys of adult live chat, now’s the time! When exchanging sexts with a sweetie, turn up the exhibitionism dial by sending them pictures that demonstrate just how much they’re turning you on (with consent, of course) or even just by describing how you’re touching yourself and how you look at that moment. This is a fairly low-pressure way to ease into exhibitionism if that’s a direction you’re interested in moving in.

Perform in front of a mirror. Your exhibitionism is just as valid if you’re the only voyeur! In fact, some people even prefer it that way. Set the mood however you like – sexy music, low lighting, incense, self-massage, and so on – and then go to town on yourself, either with toys or just with your hands. (I will add that now is an especially good time to put effort into sex toy hygiene! I know a popular male cam model who uses rubbing alcohol to keep his toys free of bacteria, but you don’t have to go that far – a thorough scrubdown with soap and water should be fine for nonporous toys, even if you plan to put them in your mouth.)

Put on a cam show. No, you don’t have to look like – or perform like – the best live webcam girls to put on a very sexy show! An intimate cam performance for one spectator, especially one you know well and are attracted to, often has quite a different vibe from the more well-known, professional variety. If you’re not sure what to do, ask your beau if they’d like to watch you get yourself off. Then you can stage a spectacle involving a drawn-out striptease, seductive self-touch all over your body, a thorough fucking with sex toys, or whatever else you please. And hey, if you end up loving the experience and want to start putting on shows for groups and/or strangers, there are lots of places online to do that!

Send someone audio of your orgasm. The way you sound while you’re coming is probably super hot, even if you personally don’t think so! Use the voice memo function on your phone – or, if you’re fancy, a proper microphone and recording software – to record yourself getting off, and then send out the audio to any sweetheart or crush who enthusiastically consents to hear it. This can be a fun follow-up to an earlier sexting convo (“Wanna hear how hard I got off while re-reading your words?”), a follow-through on a kinky assignment (“I jerked off the way you wanted me to, Madame – here’s proof!”), or an out-of-the-blue lust-bomb.

Take thirst traps. Look, you’ve probably got time to kill at the moment – may as well spend it shooting nudes ‘n’ lewds if you are that way inclined. This could even be a self-care and self-love ritual of sorts, at a time when those things are very much needed. You could take a long, luxurious bath or shower, get dressed up and/or dolled up so you feel as foxy as possible, and then document the moment with your phone or camera. Depending on your comfort level, you may want to share the pics with one or two people, no one at all, or the entire internet – you can elicit that exhibitionistic rush either way!

Have you been engaging in any of these exhibitionistic behaviors while social-distancing? How’s it going?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Quarantine Challenge: Try a New Sex Thing

Kate Sloan

If you – like so many of us – have effectively locked yourself into your own home because of the current global pandemic situation, I commend you. Social distancing is a smart and life-saving measure, difficult though it may be.

Articles abound on the internet right now about things to do while in quarantine, whether said quarantine is self-imposed or imposed by health officials or even your country’s government. I think that’s great – people are obviously very anxious right now, and being given explicit instructions or suggestions for what to do is (for me at least) often helpful when you’re distraught.

Since this is ostensibly a sex blog, I have some suggestions for things you could try if you find yourself cooped up at home, either with a partner or just by yourself. (Or, I mean, if you have a roommate who you think is both hot and chill, maybe they’d want to join in?!) Try these if you’re feeling bored, horny, ‘n’ exploratory…

Have lots of orgasms! Studies show orgasms reduce stress and boost your immunity, two effects we both sorely need right now. If it helps to think of this process as purely medicinal rather than erotic, then do that – I understand this isn’t exactly the most arousing time in history! I find big, strong vibrators are my best companion when I just want to crank out a climax. If you choose to order a new sex toy in these trying times, I strongly suggest you look into buying from your local indie sex shop if you have one – their income, like that of many small businesses right now, has probably taken a nosedive.

Work up to something big. While your housemates are cleaning out their closets or drafting the next Great American Novel, maybe you could work on your own magnum opus: your hungry holes! You could use toys or your hand to explore gentle stretching sensations the likes of which you’d feel if you were getting fisted, for example. If you’ve ever wanted to get into butt stuff but been too nervous or too tight, good news – you’ve probably got lots of time to spare now. So pull out those anal sex toys (ones with a flared base only, please), slather ’em in lube, and sloooowly acclimatize yourself to the sensation. (Remember, though: scientists say one of the coronavirus transmission routes is fecal-oral, so please, for the love of god, wash your hands when you’re done… which you should’ve been doing anyway.)

Fuck on drugs. I don’t know if you’re lucky enough to live (as I do) in a place where marijuana is legal and easily obtainable, for example, but if you happen to have a decent stockpile of your intoxicant of choice, maybe now’s the time to bust some out for sexy purposes. After all, you can’t exactly have a 6-hour edible-fuelled fuck-fest on a Tuesday under normal circumstances – but these aren’t normal circumstances. (That said, I would caution you to avoid drugs that you suspect will make you feel anxious and paranoid, since, y’know, we’re all already feeling that way all the time now.)

Make hand-washing sexy. There are infinite ways you could do this, from buying decadent moisturizing hand soap to putting a photo of your favorite hot celebrity above the sink with a drawn-on speech bubble that says “Scrub those hands for me, you beautiful bitch.” If you have a dominant (or can find one on, like, Twitter – there are a lot of horny/lonely/bored people out there right now!), maybe they could boss you via text into washing your hands more, or give you rewards for doing so.

Investigate a new-to-you porn genre. Some people are like, “When I retire, I’m going to really dive into the work of the classic Russian novelists,” but we’re pervs in a crisis, so we’re more like, “You know, I’ve always wondered what clown fetish porn was like…!” Just please make sure to pay independent porn creators for their work. (Here’s a beautiful video of me giving a blowjob that you can rent if you’re so inclined…)

What sexual thoughts and fantasies are on your mind in these trying times, if any?