How-To

11 Ideas for D/s Writing Assignments

Kate Sloan

I’m a writer, an overachiever, and a submissive, so of course I love when my dominant gives me writing assignments. They feel like a task at which I can tangibly succeed – plus, unlike with many other types of scenes, I’ll have the evidence forever if I want to look back at it. Writing tasks have become a major (and majorly satisfying) part of my dynamic with my partner.

That said, we weren’t always as amazing as we are now at coming up with these assignments – so I’ve put together this list you can refer to if you’re similarly strapped for ideas. How many of these have you tried?

Describe a fantasy

This can be one of the most deeply embarrassing things to have to write as a submissive (depending on what type of person you are), so of course, it’s a favorite with dominants! It’s one of the sexiest and most tangible ways for a dominant to gather information about what a submissive wants, making it a highly useful tool in a D/s dynamic. The sub can make lists of their fantasies, write one out as a short erotica story, or use any other framing the dominant desires. This is a great way to unearth some unexplored desires or just expound on some desires you already know you have.

Recap a past encounter

IMO, it’s always fun to hear about sex you’ve had from the other person’s perspective. You get to find out which parts they particularly liked, what turned them on, what they want more of. The sub could write out the events of a past scene, erotica-style, or they could list some favorite past scenes and explain why they enjoyed them so much. You could even do this assignment as a collaborative task, with each of you filling in details of the session as you remember them.

Keep a journal

Some dominants require that their subs keep some kind of diary for them. This could be all-sexy-all-the-time, like a daily log of masturbation or fantasies, but it could also be geared toward making positive changes in the sub’s day-to-day life: they could be required to log their food or exercise if that’s an issue for them (tread carefully!!), keep tabs on the ups and downs of their moods and the factors that influenced them, or make a note every time they do something nice for themselves. Becoming more aware of your patterns is the first step in changing them, and a D/s writing assignment can be a lovely way to achieve that.

Summarize a book

I don’t know about you, but the books I was required to write about when I was in school are the ones that have stuck with me the most. It’s a good way to make information stick in your head. A dominant could assign their submissive a book about kink, sex, relationships, or anything else they want to learn more about, and the submissive could write up a classic essay-style book report, a bullet-point list of things they learned, or any other type of book review the two agree on. (Shout-out to Sinclair and rife for initially introducing me to this idea!)

Keep a to-do list

My partner and I have done this for nearly a year now (wow!) and it’s served us very well. My daily to-do list is kept in a note which I’ve shared with them via the Apple Notes app, which syncs across all our various devices. Particularly in a long-distance relationship, it’s a lovely way to maintain a feeling of connection to each other and involvement in each other’s everyday lives. My dominant can keep tabs on me, see how I’m doing with my tasks, and reward or motivate me accordingly.

Craft an instruction manual

Remember the time my partner made me write directions for giving me multiple orgasms as though I were a literal toy? That was one of the first tasks they assigned me, and it’s still one of my favorites. Especially early in a relationship, the sub might know their body and mind better than their dom does, and requiring them to write an instruction manual is one way to ascertain that information from them without breaking role. They could provide directions for physical skills, like how to give them a nipple orgasm or how to spank them properly, or for more mental/emotional skills, like how to comfort them when they’re depressed or how to best help them relax when life gets stressful.

Research a skill

There may be times in a D/s dynamic when either the submissive or the dominant wants to learn or improve upon a skill, in order to better serve/please their partner. These could be kinky skills, like flogging or bootblacking, or they could be “vanilla” skills, like cooking or cleaning. Either way, it’s fun to have the submissive research the skill and write up their key findings, perhaps including a list of links to more detailed information. (KinkAcademy remains the best place to learn a new BDSM skill, BTW!)

Write lines

While traditionally understood as a punishment, making a submissive write out the same sentence over and over can also be a process of edification and improvement if you approach it that way. For example, if your submissive is chronically self-critical, you could make her write “I am a good, kind, talented, and useful girl” 50 times. That said, it can also be a punishment, as I learned the time I forgot to wear my collar when specifically instructed to and had to write lines and mail the page to my partner as proof. Ooh, how mean!

Help the dominant

My dominant has sometimes required me to put together a report specifically designed to assist them with something – like the time I made some recommendations for androgynous clothing items when they were midway through coming out as non-binary, or the time they asked me to recommend some fragrances I thought they’d like. This is a fun way for a dominant to feel served and catered to, while making their submissive feel useful and needed.

Write a love letter

Love letters are romantic and bonding, and they also help create a tangible record of your romance. I think more people (including vanilla people!) should write love letters, because it’s good for your relationship – and in D/s, you can make this mandatory!

Collaborate creatively

Some of my most satisfying moments with my partner have happened while we’ve been collaborating on something: a song, a podcast, a book. You could do this in-person on paper, or online via the multitude of cloud-based writing tools available, like Google Docs or Evernote. Try retelling the story of your first date together or writing a collaborative poem about your relationship, for example.

 

What are your favorite writing-based tasks you’ve assigned or been assigned in a D/s dynamic?

How to Look Like a Sex Doll

Kate Sloan

Being a sex doll is a recurrent fantasy for me. It’s hard to say whether I would actually like it – I haven’t tried pretending to be a doll in a scene yet – but it definitely holds some appeal. Being blank-brained and helpless while someone (consensually) handles and uses my body for their pleasure? Yes please.

That said, it’s possible a large part of my excitement about this fantasy really centers on the beauty and fashion aspects of it. What can I say; I’m a femme! I pored over the beautiful babes on Joy Love Dolls to figure out the best ways to make yourself look like a sex doll, if that’s something you want to do for kink reasons or just for fun, and here’s what I came up with…

Preparation

While obviously it’s not required for fulfilling this fantasy, because you and your partner can both suspend your disbelief a little, it could be fun to shave or wax large swathes of your body to play the role of a sex doll. They’re almost always hairless from the neck down, after all. Afterward, exfoliate the hell out of everything, with a body scrub or a dry brush, and then moisturize. That way your skin will be as smooth and uniform as it can be.

The skin on your face could use some love, too. A scrubby clay mask (like the rose clay mask from Origins) would be my go-to if I was prepping for a dollification scene, because it’ll gently exfoliate your skin while pulling some of the gunk out of your pores, leaving a smoother surface that’ll look slightly more like TPE or whatever sex dolls are made of. Don’t forget to moisturize!

Makeup

When sex doll designers aren’t opting for the youthful “natural look” (which, let’s face it, is boring for the purposes of this article), they tend to give their dolls lots and lots of eyeliner. You can smudge it for a sexy, rock-star vibe, or keep it precise if you prefer. It’s usually black or dark brown and goes all the way around the eye, sometimes with a winged flick at the outer corner. This serves to emphasize the eyes, one of a sex doll’s most prominent facial features. If you want to make your eyes look extra big and wide, you could run a white or pale skin-colored eyeliner pencil over your waterline (though I, admittedly, am too squeamish to do this because it feels like sticking an eyeliner pencil directly into my eye). Lots of mascara is also crucial.

As for the mouth: sex dolls usually have big, full, pouting lips. You can use mildly lip-irritating plumpers like Lip Venom to achieve this effect, or you can fake it by blending a lighter-colored lipstick onto the center of your lips on top of whatever other lipstick you’re using. This creates the illusion of fuller lips and is famously a trick that Marilyn Monroe’s makeup artist used on her (and if she isn’t an aspirational icon for sex dolls everywhere, then who is?!). Many sex dolls wear a lipstick shade that’s fairly natural and low-key, but you could also go with a bright pink or purple if you want to be bolder. In any case, a shiny gloss on top is a must.

The rest of your face is less important than those two major features, but you can still increase your “dollishness” quotient by doing a full face of foundation and concealer to even out your skin tone so it looks vaguely plasticky. Make sure to set these products with powder – sex dolls’ skin is almost always matte. Some subtle, well-blended blush on the apples of your cheeks completes the look.

A note for all the makeup you choose: assuming you’re not pursuing a smudgy look for kink reasons (some people love to see mascara streaks on a teary-eyed submissive’s cheeks, for example), you should choose products that are waterproof and rated well for longevity. (Look at reviews on the Sephora website or MakeupAlley for this.) Dolls’ makeup is firmly painted on and unlikely to flake or smear, so yours should be, too!

Hair

If you only need to look like a sex doll (say, for photos) and don’t plan on being touched/fucked/manhandled like one, a wig is the obvious route to take. Long blonde hair is a popular choice, but there are a million wig options out there waiting to be explored.

If, however, you plan on being “used” when you’re a doll, a wig probably won’t cut it, because your “user” might want to pull your hair. Wear your real hair down, or in pigtails if it’s long enough; those are the two easiest styles to pull on. (Securing the pigtails with cute, colorful hair ties is a nice touch, particularly if you’re going for a youthful look.)

Clothes

It goes without saying that most sex dolls are probably mostly naked most of the time. That’s fine if your dollification scene will be limited to your bedroom, but if you plan on going out first (or even starting the scene with some kind of seduction/warm-up), you’ll probably want to be wearing something.

Some popular choices for sex-doll clothes include shiny bikinis, tight cropped T-shirts, miniskirts, tiny shorts, matching lingerie sets, and low-cut form-fitting dresses. It’s best to wear something that another person could easily remove from your body without your cooperation, since you might want to remain perfectly still as part of the fun of a dollification scene. So, tight jeans and restrictive dresses are probably a no-go, unless your partner wants a challenge!

Most sex dolls are remarkably busty. If you want to beef up your boobs (so to speak), you could wear a padded bra under whatever else you’re wearing. By the same token, some shapewear can help give you the hourglassy shape sex dolls are known for, but it can be hard to remove and doesn’t always look sexy once all your other layers of clothing have come off, so keep that in mind when selecting your ensemble.

A lot of sex dolls are barefoot, but if your partner likes heels, boots, or some other specific type of footwear, you might as well give it a shot. Knee-high or thigh-high socks can also amp up a playful, girlish aesthetic if that’s what you’re going for.

Facial expression and behavior

The way you act and move when you’re in sex-doll mode really depends on what you’re hoping to get out of your scene, but generally, you’re probably gonna wanna be blank-faced and stationary. Practice letting your eyes “zone out” the way they do when you stare out the window of a moving vehicle, say, or when your mind wanders while you’re standing in line somewhere. (Not to be too much of a hypnokink evangelical, but staring at a gif of a spiral can help you unfocus your eyes in the sexy, mindless way we’re talking about.) You don’t wanna look bored, so keep your eyes open wide for the most part, but just soften your gaze a little.

As for the rest of your body, traditionally sex dolls are rigid and posable. Your partner doesn’t have to manipulate your whole body weight every time they want to move you around – you can agree beforehand that you’ll help them out when they move you, so long as it doesn’t ruin the illusion for either of you.

 

How would you attire yourself if you planned on doing a dollification scene? Or, alternatively: if you were going to fuck someone who was pretending to be a sex doll, what would you want them to look like?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

2 Psychological Tricks For Conquering Hard Feelings in Polyamory

Kate Sloan

I’m a psychology nerd. I minored in psych at university, and have seen various therapists over the course of my life to help pick apart my tangled psyche. After all this exploration, two of my favorite psychological frameworks are dialectical behavior therapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy.

I’ve found these methodologies especially useful in dealing with difficult polyamory-related emotions lately, so I thought I’d write a bit about the two key strategies I use when those feelings rear their head.

Emotion regulation through opposite action

DBT teaches us that when you’re feeling an emotion that’s irrational (i.e. it doesn’t fit the facts of the situation you’re in), you should do the opposite of whatever that emotion is telling you to do.

I find this helpful in polyamory because my most difficult poly feelings are, frankly, irrational. Fears that my partner will leave me for someone else, that him dating someone else means I’m unattractive, or that I’m being rejected – these all go against the higher-level decision I’ve made to be polyamorous, based on my ethics and ideas about relationships. These fears are holdovers from the monogamous culture I was raised in, and they neither make sense nor serve me now that I’m practicing polyamory. So it’s often helpful to do the opposite of what the irrational feelings are telling me to do.

Some examples:

  • When my partner is out on a date with someone else, a feeling of betrayal or rejection might come up, and it might make me want to push him away or say something mean to him. I could do the opposite action by writing him a love letter to show him later, mentally reviewing some of my most romantic memories with him, or texting to say “Have a good time!”
  • When my partner is infatuated with someone new, it might make me feel rejected and alone, especially if I’m not dating anyone else at the time. The emotion might tell me to self-isolate, stay home, and cry – so I can do the opposite action by making plans with friends, taking myself out to a restaurant, or watching a stand-up comedy special on Netflix.
  • When hanging out with a metamour, I might feel inferior or anxious, and it might make me want to avoid interacting with them. I can do the opposite action by striking up a conversation with them, being nice to them, and looking for their likeable qualities.

These “opposite actions” can often feel totally artificial, and it can seem counterproductive to do the opposite of what an emotion is telling you to do, without actually dealing with the emotion. But in my experience, a “fake it til you make it” approach can actually be really helpful with these types of feelings. If I find that being nice to my partner when I feel rejected creates an equally good or better result than not being nice, I’ll be likelier to want to be nice to him the next time that feeling comes up. It’s a way of teaching my brain the appropriate responses to these situations, and learning to trust that positive and proactive action is good for me.

Refuting your own thoughts

CBT offers us the technique of making “thought records”: you write down a situation to which you had a strong reaction, identify the emotion(s) it triggered, determine the thoughts or beliefs you have that are related to that emotion, and then look for evidence for or against those emotionally-charged thoughts or beliefs.

You don’t have to actually write out a worksheet every time if you don’t want to; you can do an abridged version of this process mentally. When I have a strong, irrational feeling, I look for the thoughts and beliefs supporting that feeling, and look for evidence for or against those beliefs. There’s always more evidence against them, because they’re irrational.

Some examples:

  • If my partner is on a date with someone else and I get sad and scared that he’s going to leave me for that person, I can review text screenshots, love letters, etc. to remind myself that he’s committed to me for the long haul. (It’s often helpful to collect these positive reminders in one place, like a box on your desk or a folder on your phone, so you can look at them when you need them.)
  • If I’m worried that my partner’s new crush means he’s not attracted to me (or has perhaps never been attracted to me), I can review old messages that dispute this, look at my sex spreadsheet to see all the times we’ve fucked, and mentally revisit the look in his eyes when he sees me naked.
  • If I’m worried that my partner’s new relationship will prevent him from spending enough time with me, I can remind myself of other times he’s juggled multiple relationships before and how well he did it. I can also reach out to gather evidence against this belief directly from him (e.g. “Can you promise me we’ll still have at least 2 dates a week?”).

If you encounter evidence supporting your irrational belief (e.g. “A partner left me for someone else in my previous relationship”; “My partner has seemed less attracted to me lately”), I would strongly recommend bringing up that stuff with your partner(s) so they can offer some kind of refutation or explanation. It will put your mind at ease and is much better than obsessively ruminating on these thoughts by yourself.

Do you use CBT and/or DBT skills to support your relationship(s)? I’d love to hear about it!

How to Take Yourself on a Date

Kate Sloan

I’m an introvert in a long-distance relationship, and I work from home. This all means that I spend a lot of time alone. For me, that doesn’t just mean sitting around at home: sometimes it means taking myself out. For as long as I can remember, I’ve enjoyed solo outings – though, as I’m occasionally reminded when someone gives me a weird look, not everyone is as comfortable with the notion of the self-date.

However, if you’re introverted or single or otherwise relegated to frequent solitude, I think it’s imperative to make your alone time not only as frequent as you want but also as special as you want! So here are some of my best tips for taking yourself on a date…

Psych yourself up. It can be hard to drag yourself to a traditional date activity, like dinner or a movie, on your own if you think people are going to judge you for it. So just remind yourself that no one really pays that much attention to strangers in public, and people do this kind of thing all the time. Get hyped for your outing: put it in your calendar, plan it out, make it something you look forward to, just as you might with a “regular” date.

Pick an activity you love, even if other people might not. Some of my favorite solo dates are dinner, going to see a movie, or attending a comedy show. Sometimes the restaurants, movies, or shows I pick are ones I like but that other people might find strange (oysters and a documentary about an obscure queer icon, anyone?). That’s the beauty of a date with yourself: your input on the activity is the only input that matters! So pick something you adore, and if potential companions might turn up their nose at it, well, so much the better.

Make getting ready a ritual. I often think of getting dressed for dates as a sort of magic spell. I’m adorning myself in totems and trappings that make me feel confident and beautiful: a cute dress, kickass boots, pretty lipstick. This process builds excitement about the date for me in an almost Pavlovian way, so I don’t skip it even if no one else is going on the date with me! This little bit of extra effort could help you elevate a sad, perfunctory night alone into a celebratory occasion.

Bring a diversion of some kind. I always have a book (or my Kindle) with me when I go on a solo date. I also usually bring my journal and a pen, and my phone with some podcasts loaded onto it. While it would absolutely be a power move to eat dinner alone while simply looking around and enjoying the atmosphere of the restaurant, that’s not something I’m interested in doing – it makes me feel awkward, and I get bored. A book can entertain and captivate me in the same way that another person would, if they were sitting across from me at dinner.

Spoil yourself. I know I’m guilty of often thinking I don’t “deserve” nice things, especially if I’m by myself on a mundane Tuesday night or somesuch. But you deserve that extra mile. Sometimes this can be a pricey thing, like a trip to your local fancy cocktail bar or a decadent multi-course meal, but it doesn’t have to be – it could be as simple as adding an extra apple pie to your McDonald’s order, springing for extra butter on your popcorn, or bringing a plush blanket to the park so you don’t have to sit on the damp grass. You’re worth it, baby!

Take photos. We live in an age when it often seems that something only really happened if there are pictures of it on the internet. While this has its pros and cons, the benefit of photographing and sharing aspects of your solo date is that it may help legitimize it in your mind. When you put your meal on Instagram or text a patio selfie to your best friend, you’re saying, “This is nice and deserves to be remembered.” And hell, sometimes those moments can be perfectly Instagrammable!

Stay open to adventure. Many times while on solo dates, I’ve gotten into an interesting conversation with the stranger next to me, or discovered a new hangout I didn’t know about, or tried a new-to-me food and loved it. A beautiful thing about being alone is that you can follow your own impulses; you don’t have to check with someone else first to see if they’re on board. So if you find yourself wandering into a shop with an eyecatching window display, or considering a weird-sounding cocktail on the menu, go with that gut feeling – it could lead you somewhere lovely.

End on a high note. If I skip this step, I often end up wallowing in loneliness, so it’s important to deliberately plan an uplifting ending for your solo date. Mine often involves listening to a comedy podcast on my walk home, or watching something funny on Netflix once I get there. If I’m really absorbed in my book while I’m out, I might continue reading it once I get into bed. Ah, bliss.

Do you ever take yourself on dates? What do you like to do/where do you like to go?

5 Fun Things You Can Do With Used Panties

Kate Sloan

There are few objects as sexually charged and culturally revered as panties. They can symbolize so many things: femininity or gender transgression, raunch or innocence, private secrets or public pageantry. With all these meanings floating around them, plus their frequent proximity to genitals, it’s no wonder why these dainty underthings are so frequently fetishized.

But they’re not just for looking at – there’s lots you can do with a pair of panties! Here are 5 fun ideas…

Use them as a gag

A balled-up pair of underwear makes a great gag: it tastes like whoever was wearing it last (even if it was the person being gagged themselves!), it muffles sounds without stopping up your breathing, and it carries a whiff of the illicit. It can be fun to “punish” a submissive by pointing out to them, in this very direct way, just how wet they got their underwear – and just how obedient they’re going to be for you.

Stuff them in a vagina

Panty-stuffing is a significant subset of panty fetishism; there’s a surprising amount of porn that features it! While I would imagine that it doesn’t feel amazing for the person being stuffed, it will likely leave you with a thoroughly soaked pair of underwear – all the better for smelling and tasting, if you’re into that.

Sell them

You can buy and sell used underwear on websites like Sofia Gray, or on a direct person-to-person basis if you know any interested buyers. This endeavor is so popular that in Japan, there are supposedly vending machines that dispense used panties! I’ve sold my underwear once or twice and it’s always been a lovely experience: I got to make someone’s fantasy come true, while making a little dosh for myself. It’s a win-win!

Use them in a feminization scene

As humiliatrix Princess Kali points out in her book Enough to Make You Blush, a man in panties won’t automatically be embarrassed to be wearing them – it depends on the attitudes he holds about the garment, its place in society, and its relation (or lack thereof) to his gender identity. But certainly, putting panties on a man is one classic way to cut him down to size, in a kink scene involving feminization, humiliation, or both. If you want to tiptoe into this type of fun, try wearing super girly underwear under a more masculine outfit while you go out on the town.

Leave them as a souvenir

If you know your partner loves getting a noseful of your bits, you could leave a pair of your underwear in their bed for them to discover once you’re gone. This could be a particularly sweet gesture in a long-distance relationship – it’s something to tide your partner over until the next time they can bury their face in you. Pro tip: keep the panties in a sealed Ziploc bag when not “in use” if you want them to retain their scent for longer!

What do you like to do with used panties?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Sofia Gray, where you can buy and sell underwear aplenty! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.