Musings

5 Things I Love About Rope Bondage

Kate Sloan

I’ve got rope on the brain today. Maybe it’s because this world is noisier and more chaotic than ever, but I’m craving the peace and quiet of a good rope session, whether I’m the one being tied up or the one doing the tying.

It’s a beautiful kinky art form with a rich history. Here’s a little knowledge gleaned from my personal history with rope – my top 5 favorite things about it!

 

It’s peaceful & meditative

Like I mentioned up top, I find rope bondage to be a deeply calming activity. As a top, it can be meditative to focus carefully on the tie(s) you’re doing, adjusting and re-adjusting as you go. As a bottom, I enjoy being focused on like that, and often find that my mind wanders in a blissfully aimless way during a rope scene, similarly to how it does during meditation, yoga, or a quiet sunset walk. Sharing that peaceful connection with a partner is wonderful, but I can find that serenity even when I’m tying myself. And on that note…

 

It can be a shared activity or a solo one

This isn’t true of all kinks – and indeed, depending on your physical and emotional needs, it may not even be true of rope for you – but I’ve always found that rope is something I enjoy doing on my own just as much as with a partner.

You can look up self-tie tutorials on YouTube or in rope bondage books written by educators you trust (Midori is a personal fave) and view a solo session as practicing on yourself, or as reconnecting with the deepest parts of yourself psychologically, the ones you keep quietly buried most of the time.

 

Everyone does it a little differently

There are several reasons I refer to rope bondage as an art form, rather than just a kink activity – and one way this is true is that each rope bondage tie is its own unique creation, even if you’re following along with a pre-existing pattern. Each person – from my cavalcade of ex-boyfriends to Berlin dungeon-dwellers to New Zealand escorts – will bring a slightly different flavor and approach to how they tie.

Some of my partners have gotten a little sadistic with it, rubbing the rope roughly along my skin to leave bitey burn marks in its wake. Some have been soothing and smooth, occasionally muttering some comforting reassurance in my ear. Some have narrated aloud throughout the scene, explaining what they’re doing, so our session is both sensual and educational. You can tell a lot about somebody by how they tie you up!

 

Being restrained is fucking hot

This might be the most obvious/common reason to do rope bondage, but it’s worth mentioning nonetheless! Bondage is one of my major kinks, and I tend to get wildly wet when tied up by someone I’m attracted to. The trust involved is intoxicating, the surrender can be delicious, and there can also be a frisson of objectification kink involved in rope, if I start to feel more like an intricate art project my top is perfecting than like a person (🔥).

For this reason, I’ve often found rope bondage to be good foreplay for me – although it’s also perfectly fine if my top has to peace out after we finish our aftercare, because I can always jerk off to the memory of the scene! (I used to have a bondage-focused FWB and he would occasionally bring me pizza, tie me up, cuddle me for a while, and then leave. Honestly ideal in many ways…!)

 

You usually get a nice souvenir…

…whether it’s a photo that your top snaps of the finished tie in all its glory, or some light rope burns on your skin, or maybe even a slight lingering soreness in certain muscles from holding still for a long time. Of course, you should seek medical attention if any such “souvenirs” become worrisome – like if you feel tingling from cut-off circulation anywhere, or think an abrasion might be getting infected – but for the most part, I’ve found rope to be a low-risk activity when done with a well-informed top, and I love seeing evidence of yesterday’s scene on my skin. 🥰

 

Fellow rope lovers, what are your favorite things about it?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

8 Top-Notch Rom-Coms for Sex Nerds & Smarties

Kate Sloan

A few months ago, I was on the phone with a cute cinephile boy with whom I watch movies sometimes, and he said: “I’m excited to watch more rom-coms with you. I feel like that’s, like, your genre.”

I was surprised, and also touched. Although I’m a lifelong cinephile myself (with thanks to my mother, a former entertainment reporter, who has introduced me to many a movie), I hadn’t given much conscious thought to which genres I love most – but it’s probably true that I’ve seen more romantic comedies than any other type of movie. What can I say – ya girl loves a love story, especially when the two lead characters are funny as fuck!

That being said, obviously not all rom-coms are created equal… so today I thought I’d tell you about 8 of my current faves, which are likely to appeal to the readership of this blog: kinky, witty, silly sex nerds. (Hi; you are my people!) I hope you enjoy these, if you decide to check ’em out!

They Came Together (2014)

Had to start with this one, because if you love romantic comedies, I think you’ll enjoy this incisive skewering of the genre. Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd star as candy entrepreneur Molly and businessboy Joel. Their romance is goofy and sweet, but mostly the joy of this movie is the way it satirizes rom-com tropes while still somehow celebrating them. I hate rom-com parodies that are clearly derogatory toward the genre, and this feels more loving than that, aptly for a romance!

Hit Man (2023)

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that prestige director Richard Linklater made one of my favorite rom-coms, given that he also made one of my favorite comedies (School of Rock) and possibly the most romantic series of films ever (the Before trilogy)! Hit Man stars the magnetic Glen Powell as a nebbish psychology professor named Gary, who gets roped into going undercover as a fake killer-for-hire to help the cops arrest people who are trying to have someone murdered.

We see Gary pretend to be many different hit men, in montages that reminded me of the initial makeover scene in Mrs. Doubtfire [complimentary!!] – and ultimately one of the big messages of this movie is that your identity and self-image are largely constructed, and can be reshaped as you see fit. That’s exactly what happens to Gary when he develops feelings for one of the women he’s supposed to be arresting: she’s trying to hire a hit man to kill her abusive husband, which naturally pulls at sweet Gary’s heartstrings, even as he’s pretending to be an ultra-macho contract-killer. Needless to say, complications ensue! I find this movie really charming, and every time I’ve watched it, I’ve felt inspired to reinvent myself a little (or a lot), like Gary does.

Sleeping with Other People (2015)

Who knew a romantic comedy could tackle the topics of sex addiction and love addiction? And that it could do so sensitively and in a mostly non-stigmatizing way, while still being funny as fuck and deeply romantic? Damn! How did writer-director Leslye Headland do it?! Jason Sudeikis and Alison Brie star as Jake and Lainey, two friends who slept together once in college, drifted apart, and then run into each other many years later at a 12-step meeting for sex & love addicts. They opt to stay platonic so they can hold each other accountable while both trying to kick their chronic infidelity habit, but naturally, attraction gets in the way.

I found this one funny in the way that people are funny in real life, which is always nice to see. Jason Mantzoukas, Natasha Lyonne, Amanda Peet and Adam Brody are all wonderful in their supporting roles. Sex nerds, take note: Adam Scott (of Severance and Stepbrothers fame) plays a hot gynecologist (!!), and also there’s a delightful and surprisingly sexy scene where Jake teaches Lainey how to finger herself by doing a hands-on demo with a glass bottle standing in for her vagina. This might be my favorite rom-com at the moment, honestly!

Red, White & Royal Blue (2023)

What if the president of the United States was a woman… and she had a hot adult son who aspired to also go into politics… and that son had an infamous, tabloid-stoked rivalry with the (also hot, also adult) Prince of England… except then the Prince and the First Son fell in love, and had to keep it a secret from the world? That’s my elevator pitch for Red, White & Royal Blue, a sharp political rom-com based on the novel of the same name by Casey McQuiston. (I am obsessed with Casey’s books and am dying for a movie adaptation of The Pairing one of these days! Best romance novel ever!)

Fame/celebrity and managing one’s public image are themes I’m frequently drawn to in movies, perhaps because I was raised by an entertainment reporter and a public relations specialist – so, naturally, I love this movie and its fairly realistic depiction of how such a scandalous gay romance might play out on the world stage. Taylor Zakhar Perez shines bright as whip-smart Alex Claremont-Diaz, while Nicholas Galitzine brings a lovely mix of warmth and wit to the role of Prince Henry. My fellow queers might also recognize Sarah Shahi (Carmen in The L Word) in a supporting role. Hella cute and thought-provoking movie!

Kissing Jessica Stein (2001)

Am I predisposed to like this one because it’s about a neurotic Jewish journalist exploring her bisexuality in New York City (hi, it moi)? Probably. But it’s still a fun film. Based on a play that was co-created by the movie’s two stars Jennifer Westfeldt and Heather Juergensen, this movie follows the titular Jessica Stein as she decides to try dating women for the first time, after a series of disastrous incidents with men. (Lord, I relate.)

Like most of my favorite rom-coms, this one has several scenes that are just really great conversations, shot beautifully in one of my favorite cities. It raises questions of identity, authenticity, and the nature of love and friendship. Jackie Hoffman is hilarious as Jessica’s bestie/work wife, and Tovah Feldshuh has a hell of a monologue in the third act that makes me cry every goddamn time. I’ve loved this movie for many years and it still holds up!

Palm Springs (2020)

Someone asked me recently whether I’d consider Groundhog Day a romantic comedy, which is a tough question; I think technically it is, but its darkly existentialist time-loop conceit makes it feel more like a dramedy than a rom-com. But Palm Springs is a proper time-loop rom-com – it has effectively identical ‘game mechanics’ to the loop in Groundhog Day, but instead focuses on the question: What if your crush got trapped in the time loop with you?

Andy Samberg stars as Nyles, a guy who’s been re-living the same day over and over for who knows how long. The day in question happens to be a wedding day, but not his wedding; he’s just a guest. Eventually he befriends the maid of honor, Sarah (played by Cristin Milioti), who – through a series of circuitous events – gets stuck in the time loop with him, and they start strategizing together on how to escape. Oh yeah, and naturally they fall in love somewhere in there as well! This movie is somehow just as funny as it is sad, and ultimately it’s a touching illustration of how love makes us feel less alone in the universe. (Jonesing for another wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey rom-com? About Time is a fun watch!)

Ruby Sparks (2012)

Tough to say if this is a rom-com or a horror film; depends on your perspective, really! Real-life married couple Paul Dano and Zoe Kazan star as tortured novelist Calvin and the manic pixie dream girl he writes into existence, Ruby. At first she’s just a figment of his imagination, but then somehow she becomes very real, turning from a literary creation into a corporeal girlfriend. The more independent and self-actualized she gets, the more that incel-coded Calvin starts to freak out – and we watch him deal with his discomfort by trying to control her and subdue her through his writing, to mixed results.

Paul Dano is zany, scary, evil and captivating in this; Zoe Kazan wrote the movie herself, and is pitch-perfect as the titular Ruby, a quirky queen for the ages. I see this as a staunchly feminist film, in that it interrogates (some) men’s need to control women and the havoc they wreak on those women’s personhood – and ultimately, on themselves – by doing so. It’s also a devastating pastiche of the manic pixie dream girl trope (I even felt inspired to write a song called Manic Pixie shortly after seeing this flick for the first time). Big recommend, if you can stomach it!

Long Shot (2019)

When I first heard that Charlize Theron and Seth Rogen did a rom-com together, I found it hard to imagine how that could possibly work; in my head she’s this imperious cool beauty from heavy drama films and he is a scruffy stoner-comedy bro. But of course, they are both fantastic performers with a helluva lotta range, as this movie clearly shows!

Theron plays a vaguely Hillary-coded Secretary of State named Charlotte Field, who embarks on a presidential run. As her go-to speechwriter, she hires down-on-his-luck politics reporter Fred Flarsky (Rogen), whom she knows because she used to babysit him when they were teens. Most of the plot’s twists and turns felt fairly realistic from a political optics perspective (except for the very end, but whatever – we can suspend our disbelief for love!), and Rogen’s performance as a dorky, impassioned, lefty nerd is remarkably natural and fun. I tagged this one #smartie4smartie on Letterboxd because, like a lot of my favorite rom-coms, the lead characters are both brainy as fuck and it’s one of the things that draws them to each other! 🧠💖

 

Dear readers, what are your favorite rom-coms? Feel free to let me know in the comments!

P.S. Want to follow along with my movie-watching adventures? Go add me on Letterboxd!

Are You Being Sexualized, or Just Flirted With?

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

“Does this person actually like me, or do they just want to fuck me?”

This is a question I’ve pondered countless times in my life. It has been the source of much misery and angst. It has been dissected at length in many a journal entry. But I’m beginning to think that the question itself is based on a false premise – that sexual and romantic attraction are mutually exclusive.

It’s weird how often our culture – especially its more heterosexual side – depicts these feelings as a binary, where one cannot truly exist in the presence of the other. Growing up, much of the messaging I received about boys and sex (from media as well as from people in my own life) insinuated that if a guy pursued you for sex, he didn’t respect you as a person – and that if you “granted” him the sex he was seeking, he would respect you even less, and would never deign to date you. Conventional wisdom insisted that if I ever wanted a man to commit to me, I should deny him sex for as long as possible (thereby denying myself sex too, by the way!) – and that if a man was willing to endure a sexless interlude of indeterminate length, it meant he really liked me.

But I feel nauseous just writing that out! What an awful, depressing worldview! I don’t want human relationships to work that way – and I don’t think they actually do, in most cases. Sure, there are shallow cads (of all genders) who see sex as a prize to be pursued, rather than a pleasure to be shared – and there are also people who can and do separate sex from love (or even from liking), as in certain friendships-with-benefits and other casual arrangements. But for the most part, humans don’t experience lust in a vacuum – I think most of us would say our sexual attractions are informed by the non-physical traits we feel drawn to, whether those include intelligence, humor, charm, worldliness, dominance, submissiveness, or anything else.

I can definitely understand why we sometimes forget this, though, especially since being objectified for your body and sexuality can feel gross as hell. In my early twenties, I found it deeply off-putting when someone tried to leap into sexting when we’d barely just started messaging – not only because I felt this indicated poor social skills on their part, but also because it made me feel like a cardboard cutout of a woman, onto which one could project one’s fantasies (and jizz). They might as well have typed “porno babes in bikinis” or “lesbian sexy AI” into a Google search instead of sending me missives about their genitals. Of course their desire for me felt objectifying – they didn’t know me well enough to see me as anything other than an object.

But we have to be aware of when our past traumas are incorrectly coloring our view of our current situation. Although I’m in my thirties now, I still sometimes lapse into black-and-white thinking when someone expresses sexual desire for me early on. Alarm bells go off in my head: They just think you’re hot! They don’t care about your brain, your heart, your art! Once they fuck you, they’ll disappear forever, leaving you feeling worthless and alone!

When this happens, I try to take a deep breath and assess what I actually know. Usually, I come to the realization that the other person’s desire – much like my own – is fuelled and shaped by the specificities of who it’s aimed at. I long for the sweet golden-retriever softboy in a different way than I long for the sardonic dive-bar punk. My crush on the ballsy dominatrix with great eyebrows feels qualitatively different from my crush on the funny flannel-clad barista with fuzzy forearms. Every attraction is its own unique thing, beautiful and bright, and the sexual slant of a desire doesn’t preclude it from also having a romantic element. In fact, my solely-sexual crushes tend to blow away in the wind; it’s only the more emotionally substantive ones that stick around in my spank bank. Sex is so much more compelling when it’s not just skin-deep – and I don’t just mean that as a penetration joke!

So, the next time you find yourself reflexively wondering if someone really likes you or just likes the sex they could have with you, ask yourself: Do they seem curious about you, interested in you, eager to get to know you? Do their compliments (if they give any) reach beyond the realm of the physical? Do they value traits in you that you also value in yourself? Or does their desire seem to stem from who they think you are, who they see you as, or who they want you to be?

These things can be difficult to discern sometimes, but I think they’re worth reflecting on… if just because sex with someone who sees into your soul is one of the hottest experiences imaginable. 🥵

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Are Sexual Desires More ‘Nature’ or More ‘Nurture’?

Kate Sloan
Closest thing I have to a recent ‘nature’ shot 🌳

I used to have a simple, biodeterministic view of human sexuality. I bought into the ‘born this way’ theory of sexual orientation, because it was (and is) a politically important argument in times of homophobic persecution and discrimination – and because there is indeed some evidence that genes and prenatal hormones play a role in determining whether someone turns out straight or queer. We also know that ‘conversion therapy’ (i.e. attempting to ‘make’ a queer person straight) is not only ineffectual, but is also cruel torture.

All of that being said, the older I get and the more I learn about sexuality, the more I think that our orientations are influenced not just by our biology, but also by our sociocultural environments and life experiences. For instance, if I was a housewife married to a man in the 1950s, I might have noticed an occasional attraction to women outside of my marriage, but probably would have conceptualized those feelings as platonic affection, or even as envy. My social sphere and life path would all be guiding me in a certain direction, and the idea of deviating from that might be too existentially terrifying to even contemplate – so, despite being bisexual by a modern definition (i.e. being attracted to people of more than one gender), I almost certainly would have seen myself as straight back then, without ever questioning that.

I have similar inklings about kinks and fetishes – that they are more culturally dependent than is often acknowledged. Some spanking fetishists have observed, for instance, that paddles are more popular in North America, where corporal punishment in schools has often involved paddling – while UK-based impact kinksters tend to prefer canes, since those are the more historically relevant implements in their culture. Our kinks are inevitably shaped by the images, stories, archetypes, fears, and experiences that we pick up over the course of our lives.

However, despite our vast rainbow of differences, there are some elements of human sexuality that seem to stay constant the world over. For the most part, we all value pleasure, excitement, and connection, although those things can manifest a million unique ways. So, although a Korean live sex show and a German live sex show (for instance) might feature different kinks, a different language, and a different aesthetic, both are entirely, deliciously human – and both have the ability to inspire and influence your future sexual adventures, regardless of how you define your sexuality now.

I am wary of leaning too hard on the ‘nature’ or the ‘nurture’ side of this argument, because both sides have been used to harm queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people. Blame sexual variations on genetics, and the eugenicist bigots go hunting for ‘the gay gene’ so they can breed it out of existence. Blame those variations instead on culture and socialization, and those same bigots try to ban gay books, sexy movies, and drag brunches, as if heterosexuality would need to be so violently defended if it was indeed the ‘natural order of things.’

But that’s just the thing: They hate us no matter how we explain ourselves. So I say we might as well live our truth and explain our desires however we see fit – including, sometimes, not at all. There’s something beautiful in accepting the never-ending mystery that is human sexuality, and boldly declaring, “I don’t know why I want these things, but I do. And that is absolutely fine, no matter what anybody else has to say on the subject.”

 

What about you, dear reader? Do you see your sexuality as inborn, culturally influenced, or a bit of both?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

One of the Hottest Things a Dom Can Ever Say to Me…

Kate Sloan

There are plenty of things doms have said to me over the years that reliably send a shiver up my spine. “That’s an order.” “Did I say you could move?” “Good girl.”

But one that I’m thinking about a lot these days (because a wildly hot person has said it to me a few times lately) is: “Duly noted.” Let me explain…

With all the discourse these days about whether A.I. chatbots and porn video games are suitable replacements for human companionship (IMO: no, but you do you!), I find myself frequently pondering: What makes humans uniquely sexy, much sexier than any cheap simulacrum rendered in ones and zeroes?

The answer I come back to again and again is desire. A robot cannot want me. It can perhaps convincingly pretend to want me, but whenever I recall that its desire is constructed, my proverbial boner deflates in an instant. Mutual desire is the bedrock of any sexual encounter I’d want to be a part of, and the whole shebang feels hollow and flimsy without that foundation.

For similar reasons, it’s incredibly hot when a dom says “Duly noted” (or variations thereof) in response to me dropping some info they might want to implement later – like that I enjoy having my hair pulled, or that I sometimes burst into cathartic tears while being praised during a spanking. It demonstrates their desire for me, their desire to make me feel intense feelings in optimal ways – and it also demonstrates their desire to know me better, to understand what makes me tick sexually. I can’t think of many things I find hotter than that.

A robot, by contrast, may well remember things you’ve told it, but its own desires aren’t a factor in deciding what to “duly note” about you. And so I don’t really give a shit what a robot chooses to remember about me. If fucking me is like an adult video game, I don’t want to be ‘played’ by a robot that’s calculating its route based on probabilities; I want to be a fun challenge for a smart, focused human who brings their own turn-ons, talents, and ambitions to the table. (There’s a reason I adore the ingenuity of human speedrunners on Twitch but refuse to watch tool-assisted speedruns, which I find boring by comparison!)

The moment when someone actually employs information they previously “duly noted” – says the exact right thing at the exact right moment, touches the exact right spot in the exact right way – is one of the hottest moments that can ever happen during sex/kink, if you ask me. It communicates, all at once: 1) I pay attention to you and remember things you say, 2) I am astute, clever, and resourceful, and 3) it turns me on to make you feel good. I mean, what could be sexier than that?!

Now, doms, I know I’ve given you a powerful tool here, but don’t go around dropping this line left and right like it’s some kind of secret password… It works best when used judiciously – because, unlike a robot, your brain doesn’t just store information indiscriminately. Your brain picks and chooses what’s worth “duly noting,” and when to put that knowledge into action. And that sharp discernment is what makes you irresistible to subs like me, who want to see you ‘win the game’ fair and square: no cheat codes, no algorithms, just your gorgeously imperfect human body and brain, doing what it does best.

 

Fellow subs, do you also have a weakness for this particular line? Any standout memories related to it? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.