Musings

Are Sexual Desires More ‘Nature’ or More ‘Nurture’?

Kate Sloan
Closest thing I have to a recent ‘nature’ shot 🌳

I used to have a simple, biodeterministic view of human sexuality. I bought into the ‘born this way’ theory of sexual orientation, because it was (and is) a politically important argument in times of homophobic persecution and discrimination – and because there is indeed some evidence that genes and prenatal hormones play a role in determining whether someone turns out straight or queer. We also know that ‘conversion therapy’ (i.e. attempting to ‘make’ a queer person straight) is not only ineffectual, but is also cruel torture.

All of that being said, the older I get and the more I learn about sexuality, the more I think that our orientations are influenced not just by our biology, but also by our sociocultural environments and life experiences. For instance, if I was a housewife married to a man in the 1950s, I might have noticed an occasional attraction to women outside of my marriage, but probably would have conceptualized those feelings as platonic affection, or even as envy. My social sphere and life path would all be guiding me in a certain direction, and the idea of deviating from that might be too existentially terrifying to even contemplate – so, despite being bisexual by a modern definition (i.e. being attracted to people of more than one gender), I almost certainly would have seen myself as straight back then, without ever questioning that.

I have similar inklings about kinks and fetishes – that they are more culturally dependent than is often acknowledged. Some spanking fetishists have observed, for instance, that paddles are more popular in North America, where corporal punishment in schools has often involved paddling – while UK-based impact kinksters tend to prefer canes, since those are the more historically relevant implements in their culture. Our kinks are inevitably shaped by the images, stories, archetypes, fears, and experiences that we pick up over the course of our lives.

However, despite our vast rainbow of differences, there are some elements of human sexuality that seem to stay constant the world over. For the most part, we all value pleasure, excitement, and connection, although those things can manifest a million unique ways. So, although a Korean live sex show and a German live sex show (for instance) might feature different kinks, a different language, and a different aesthetic, both are entirely, deliciously human – and both have the ability to inspire and influence your future sexual adventures, regardless of how you define your sexuality now.

I am wary of leaning too hard on the ‘nature’ or the ‘nurture’ side of this argument, because both sides have been used to harm queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people. Blame sexual variations on genetics, and the eugenicist bigots go hunting for ‘the gay gene’ so they can breed it out of existence. Blame those variations instead on culture and socialization, and those same bigots try to ban gay books, sexy movies, and drag brunches, as if heterosexuality would need to be so violently defended if it was indeed the ‘natural order of things.’

But that’s just the thing: They hate us no matter how we explain ourselves. So I say we might as well live our truth and explain our desires however we see fit – including, sometimes, not at all. There’s something beautiful in accepting the never-ending mystery that is human sexuality, and boldly declaring, “I don’t know why I want these things, but I do. And that is absolutely fine, no matter what anybody else has to say on the subject.”

 

What about you, dear reader? Do you see your sexuality as inborn, culturally influenced, or a bit of both?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

One of the Hottest Things a Dom Can Ever Say to Me…

Kate Sloan

There are plenty of things doms have said to me over the years that reliably send a shiver up my spine. “That’s an order.” “Did I say you could move?” “Good girl.”

But one that I’m thinking about a lot these days (because a wildly hot person has said it to me a few times lately) is: “Duly noted.” Let me explain…

With all the discourse these days about whether A.I. chatbots and porn video games are suitable replacements for human companionship (IMO: no, but you do you!), I find myself frequently pondering: What makes humans uniquely sexy, much sexier than any cheap simulacrum rendered in ones and zeroes?

The answer I come back to again and again is desire. A robot cannot want me. It can perhaps convincingly pretend to want me, but whenever I recall that its desire is constructed, my proverbial boner deflates in an instant. Mutual desire is the bedrock of any sexual encounter I’d want to be a part of, and the whole shebang feels hollow and flimsy without that foundation.

For similar reasons, it’s incredibly hot when a dom says “Duly noted” (or variations thereof) in response to me dropping some info they might want to implement later – like that I enjoy having my hair pulled, or that I sometimes burst into cathartic tears while being praised during a spanking. It demonstrates their desire for me, their desire to make me feel intense feelings in optimal ways – and it also demonstrates their desire to know me better, to understand what makes me tick sexually. I can’t think of many things I find hotter than that.

A robot, by contrast, may well remember things you’ve told it, but its own desires aren’t a factor in deciding what to “duly note” about you. And so I don’t really give a shit what a robot chooses to remember about me. If fucking me is like an adult video game, I don’t want to be ‘played’ by a robot that’s calculating its route based on probabilities; I want to be a fun challenge for a smart, focused human who brings their own turn-ons, talents, and ambitions to the table. (There’s a reason I adore the ingenuity of human speedrunners on Twitch but refuse to watch tool-assisted speedruns, which I find boring by comparison!)

The moment when someone actually employs information they previously “duly noted” – says the exact right thing at the exact right moment, touches the exact right spot in the exact right way – is one of the hottest moments that can ever happen during sex/kink, if you ask me. It communicates, all at once: 1) I pay attention to you and remember things you say, 2) I am astute, clever, and resourceful, and 3) it turns me on to make you feel good. I mean, what could be sexier than that?!

Now, doms, I know I’ve given you a powerful tool here, but don’t go around dropping this line left and right like it’s some kind of secret password… It works best when used judiciously – because, unlike a robot, your brain doesn’t just store information indiscriminately. Your brain picks and chooses what’s worth “duly noting,” and when to put that knowledge into action. And that sharp discernment is what makes you irresistible to subs like me, who want to see you ‘win the game’ fair and square: no cheat codes, no algorithms, just your gorgeously imperfect human body and brain, doing what it does best.

 

Fellow subs, do you also have a weakness for this particular line? Any standout memories related to it? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Bottoming is a Skill! (+ some tips on how to build it)

Kate Sloan
Photos by mb, of me finding out that Nick Jonas was performing in the Miscast video we were watching, lol

I am a good reactor. That is to say, I am good at reacting to things. I used to think this wasn’t even a skill – but through sex, kink, and comedy, I’ve learned that it absolutely is.

Over the course of a typical week, I’ll attend at least one improv show, and have kinky phone sex with a partner at least once. While these two activities occur in different places, contexts, and headspaces, in many ways I bring the same skills to the table for both: I dial up my natural reactions slightly, making more noise than I would if I was alone, because my responses serve a social function. They communicate what I’m enjoying, which helps the partner or performer hone their approach over time; they encourage any others present to react more openly too – and perhaps most crucially of all, they provide positive feedback which can make someone feel good, motivated, and appreciated.

Audience members at comedy shows might think they matter less than the performers they came to see, but without attentive audiences, performers simply couldn’t do what they do, or at least wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much. And by the same principle, when you’re bottoming (i.e. receiving sensation) in a kink scene, you might feel like you’re “not really doing anything” and like your top is “doing all the work” – when, in fact, it’s your receptiveness and reactivity that’s making their “work” feel like play! They might even feel lucky to get to top someone like you.

Suffice it to say: Bottoms aren’t just punching bags and cock sleeves – we’re a living, breathing, positive feedback loop, with skills worth boasting about. How do you build those skills, though? I could talk about this for hours, but here are 3 quick tips from my years of bottoming:

Amplify your reactions

A lot of people learn to be ultra-quiet when receiving pleasure (or pain, for that matter) while growing up, so for some of us, it may not come naturally to make noise at first. However, you can practice this skill, like anything else.

Moaning (or gasping, whimpering, etc.) is not automatically inauthentic just because you consciously choose to do it. You’re merely turning up the volume on your natural reactions to make them more legible to your top, which they will find both hot and useful. It gets easier the more that you do it, I swear. (And if you hate making noise in a silent room, put some music/white noise/rain sounds on, for fuck’s sake!)

Unlearn your people-pleaser tendencies

If you, like me, struggle with a compulsion to always say ‘yes’ and do what people expect of you, you might just be a people-pleaser. It’s an understandable maladaptation, but when it comes to bottoming, it can corrode the connection between you and your top. In order to play safely, they need to trust that you will safeword or say ‘no’ if you want/need to – which means you have to be able to say ‘no,’ even to someone you really like, and even when you’re incoherent from subspace.

I needed a few years of trauma therapy to address this issue, but even just saying ‘no’ to your partner about innocuous things (e.g. “Do you want Mexican food tonight?” “No, I had Mexican food last night…”) can be good practice. Work that muscle until it’s strong!

Ask yourself why

When something feels good during sex/kink, either physically or psychologically, ask yourself why that is. In other words, ask yourself what you liked about it, and file your answers away. Do the same for anything you decidedly don’t like – what made it unpleasant for you? You can share this info with tops as needed.

One of the things tops have consistently complimented me on is that I know what I like/want/need – but it took a lot of work for me to get to that point! Self-knowledge is often hard-won, and expressing that self-knowledge to someone else can feel super vulnerable – but that’s part of what makes kink such a beautiful practice: it invites us to know ourselves and our partners better, to see different sides of ourselves, to uncover the deep ‘whys’ of our own pleasures and joys.

Fellow bottoms, what other skills do you think are important for us to hone?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

An Underrated Way to Expand Your Kink Palate…

Kate Sloan

Ever feel stuck in your kinks, like you’re just looping the same fantasies in your head every time you jerk off/have sex, unable to break free from your own patterns?

Trust me, I’ve been there. While I’d never advise you to shame yourself for your desires, sometimes it’s not shame so much as boredom and monotony that make us want to expand our kink palates and palettes. Humans thrive on novelty, after all, and even your all-time favorite treat might leave you wanting more at times. (A lady cannot live on chocolate cake alone, as much as she might want to…!)

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that you can liven up your kink life by playing with people whose kinks differ from yours – ideally people with whom you have some overlap, but plenty of differences, too. As a fetishist friend of mine once put it (while consensually threatening to do a knife-play scene with me!), “I mean, we aren’t looking to be life partners here. Maybe just learn some stuff.”

This resonated with me deeply because, for me, so much of kink is about learning: it’s a lens through which to continually discover and rediscover what interests you, what excites you, and what you’re capable of. And in kink as in the rest of life, we often learn the most from people who are very different from us – because they inspire us to try things we otherwise wouldn’t have considered, and therefore to reveal new facets of our sexualities and selves.

For instance, if I hadn’t met my now-wife, whose biggest kink is erotic hypnosis, I doubt I would have fully realized how much pleasure I get from flow-state-esque headspaces like trance and subspace. Trance allowed me to explore alternate forms of bondage, too – ones that constrained me using the power of my own mind, instead of ropes or chains, which was cool and hot in totally unexpected ways.

It was also through my wife’s love of hypnosis that we discovered my fondness for dollification, bimbofication, and other forms of “intelligence play” – which have been surprisingly healing endeavors for me, as someone whose smarts have long been the load-bearing center of her identity and who sometimes needs a break from carrying that mantle.

So, this week my advice to you is: Find a way to expand your kink horizons by connecting with someone whose tastes are way outside your wheelhouse. Could some new friends at a munch introduce you to your Next Big Thing? Could a random, exhibitionistic Omegle video call free your mind by letting you play a role in somebody else’s fantasy? Could filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list with a current partner lead the two of you down entirely new paths together, that you wouldn’t have stumbled onto without discussing not only your similarities but also your beautiful differences? Only time will tell… and you won’t know until you try! 😉

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What Counts as “Real Sex,” & Why?

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

“What is sex?”

I’ve been a sex nerd for decades, have done deep dives into sexual subcultures for books and podcasts, have philosophized with friends about sexuality for countless hours – and this is a question I still come back to, time and time again. Like a koan, it seems less answerable the more that I ponder it.

I think the definition probably seemed more clear-cut to me before my current relationship. Seven years of long-distance taught me that activities like phone sex and sexting can absolutely feel like sex, and can be just as intimate, connective, exciting, arousing, and orgasmic. Occasionally I’ve had phone sex with my partner on the same day as having in-person sex with someone else (what can I say, I’m booked ‘n’ busy) and there were times when the phone sex felt more like “real sex” to me than the IRL sex – because I got more turned on, or stayed in the moment more easily, or felt closer to my partner, or all of the above. These qualities aren’t inherent to everyone‘s definition of sex, but they certainly make sex feel more engaging to me, and thus more “real.”

To that end, a lot of different things can be sex, if you choose to see them that way. A study of over 10,000 cam-show viewers, for instance, found that 19% of them see those cam encounters as “real sex.” I wondered, upon reading this, how many webcam performers think of their shows as being “real sex.” Certainly, the babes of BongaCams.com and other such sites are doing sex work, but I imagine performers’ opinions differ widely on this, and my own dalliances into cam work mostly felt like work, and not like sex.

The asexual community, too, has taught me a lot about the definition of sex – mainly, that it might not matter as much as I used to think it did. We put so much emphasis on sex as a society that it’s easy to forget how fun (and even hot) it can be to connect with people, including lovers/partners, through non-sexual (or not-directly-sexual) activities. That can be anything from taking a bath together, to going on a hike together, to reading poetry to each other, to feeding each other grapes, to mud-wrestling, to hypnosis, to silently meditating in the same room together… all of which might be defined as sex by somebody, and that’s okay too!

So, what is sex? I think ultimately, the answer depends on who you’re talking to, and your definition may need to evolve throughout your life (or throughout your day!) to accommodate for the different spaces you find yourself in. When I tell my doctor I had sex with someone, I mean that bodily fluids were potentially exchanged. When I tell my straight friends I had sex with someone, I probably mean some clothes came off and somebody’s genitals were stimulated; when I tell my queer friends I had sex with someone, I might also mean we did something like dry-humping or spanking. When my wife says to me, “I liked fucking you last night,” or “You fucked me so well last night,” or “We haven’t fucked in a while and I miss it,” I know that she’s including phone sex and IRL sex in her definition – and that an intense and connective kink scene might well scratch that itch, too.

So when you find yourself wondering whether a particular experience “counted as” sex, first ask yourself why it matters – and then ask yourself how it made you feel. Sex can be so much more than “insert tab A into slot B,” and I find that my sex life – and my life in general – feel more vibrant when I broaden my definitions of sex, pleasure, connection, and joy.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.