Musings

Are You Being Sexualized, or Just Flirted With?

Kate Sloan
Photo by mb

“Does this person actually like me, or do they just want to fuck me?”

This is a question I’ve pondered countless times in my life. It has been the source of much misery and angst. It has been dissected at length in many a journal entry. But I’m beginning to think that the question itself is based on a false premise – that sexual and romantic attraction are mutually exclusive.

It’s weird how often our culture – especially its more heterosexual side – depicts these feelings as a binary, where one cannot truly exist in the presence of the other. Growing up, much of the messaging I received about boys and sex (from media as well as from people in my own life) insinuated that if a guy pursued you for sex, he didn’t respect you as a person – and that if you “granted” him the sex he was seeking, he would respect you even less, and would never deign to date you. Conventional wisdom insisted that if I ever wanted a man to commit to me, I should deny him sex for as long as possible (thereby denying myself sex too, by the way!) – and that if a man was willing to endure a sexless interlude of indeterminate length, it meant he really liked me.

But I feel nauseous just writing that out! What an awful, depressing worldview! I don’t want human relationships to work that way – and I don’t think they actually do, in most cases. Sure, there are shallow cads (of all genders) who see sex as a prize to be pursued, rather than a pleasure to be shared – and there are also people who can and do separate sex from love (or even from liking), as in certain friendships-with-benefits and other casual arrangements. But for the most part, humans don’t experience lust in a vacuum – I think most of us would say our sexual attractions are informed by the non-physical traits we feel drawn to, whether those include intelligence, humor, charm, worldliness, dominance, submissiveness, or anything else.

I can definitely understand why we sometimes forget this, though, especially since being objectified for your body and sexuality can feel gross as hell. In my early twenties, I found it deeply off-putting when someone tried to leap into sexting when we’d barely just started messaging – not only because I felt this indicated poor social skills on their part, but also because it made me feel like a cardboard cutout of a woman, onto which one could project one’s fantasies (and jizz). They might as well have typed “porno babes in bikinis” or “lesbian sexy AI” into a Google search instead of sending me missives about their genitals. Of course their desire for me felt objectifying – they didn’t know me well enough to see me as anything other than an object.

But we have to be aware of when our past traumas are incorrectly coloring our view of our current situation. Although I’m in my thirties now, I still sometimes lapse into black-and-white thinking when someone expresses sexual desire for me early on. Alarm bells go off in my head: They just think you’re hot! They don’t care about your brain, your heart, your art! Once they fuck you, they’ll disappear forever, leaving you feeling worthless and alone!

When this happens, I try to take a deep breath and assess what I actually know. Usually, I come to the realization that the other person’s desire – much like my own – is fuelled and shaped by the specificities of who it’s aimed at. I long for the sweet golden-retriever softboy in a different way than I long for the sardonic dive-bar punk. My crush on the ballsy dominatrix with great eyebrows feels qualitatively different from my crush on the funny flannel-clad barista with fuzzy forearms. Every attraction is its own unique thing, beautiful and bright, and the sexual slant of a desire doesn’t preclude it from also having a romantic element. In fact, my solely-sexual crushes tend to blow away in the wind; it’s only the more emotionally substantive ones that stick around in my spank bank. Sex is so much more compelling when it’s not just skin-deep – and I don’t just mean that as a penetration joke!

So, the next time you find yourself reflexively wondering if someone really likes you or just likes the sex they could have with you, ask yourself: Do they seem curious about you, interested in you, eager to get to know you? Do their compliments (if they give any) reach beyond the realm of the physical? Do they value traits in you that you also value in yourself? Or does their desire seem to stem from who they think you are, who they see you as, or who they want you to be?

These things can be difficult to discern sometimes, but I think they’re worth reflecting on… if just because sex with someone who sees into your soul is one of the hottest experiences imaginable. 🥵

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Are Sexual Desires More ‘Nature’ or More ‘Nurture’?

Kate Sloan
Closest thing I have to a recent ‘nature’ shot 🌳

I used to have a simple, biodeterministic view of human sexuality. I bought into the ‘born this way’ theory of sexual orientation, because it was (and is) a politically important argument in times of homophobic persecution and discrimination – and because there is indeed some evidence that genes and prenatal hormones play a role in determining whether someone turns out straight or queer. We also know that ‘conversion therapy’ (i.e. attempting to ‘make’ a queer person straight) is not only ineffectual, but is also cruel torture.

All of that being said, the older I get and the more I learn about sexuality, the more I think that our orientations are influenced not just by our biology, but also by our sociocultural environments and life experiences. For instance, if I was a housewife married to a man in the 1950s, I might have noticed an occasional attraction to women outside of my marriage, but probably would have conceptualized those feelings as platonic affection, or even as envy. My social sphere and life path would all be guiding me in a certain direction, and the idea of deviating from that might be too existentially terrifying to even contemplate – so, despite being bisexual by a modern definition (i.e. being attracted to people of more than one gender), I almost certainly would have seen myself as straight back then, without ever questioning that.

I have similar inklings about kinks and fetishes – that they are more culturally dependent than is often acknowledged. Some spanking fetishists have observed, for instance, that paddles are more popular in North America, where corporal punishment in schools has often involved paddling – while UK-based impact kinksters tend to prefer canes, since those are the more historically relevant implements in their culture. Our kinks are inevitably shaped by the images, stories, archetypes, fears, and experiences that we pick up over the course of our lives.

However, despite our vast rainbow of differences, there are some elements of human sexuality that seem to stay constant the world over. For the most part, we all value pleasure, excitement, and connection, although those things can manifest a million unique ways. So, although a Korean live sex show and a German live sex show (for instance) might feature different kinks, a different language, and a different aesthetic, both are entirely, deliciously human – and both have the ability to inspire and influence your future sexual adventures, regardless of how you define your sexuality now.

I am wary of leaning too hard on the ‘nature’ or the ‘nurture’ side of this argument, because both sides have been used to harm queer, trans, kinky, and polyamorous people. Blame sexual variations on genetics, and the eugenicist bigots go hunting for ‘the gay gene’ so they can breed it out of existence. Blame those variations instead on culture and socialization, and those same bigots try to ban gay books, sexy movies, and drag brunches, as if heterosexuality would need to be so violently defended if it was indeed the ‘natural order of things.’

But that’s just the thing: They hate us no matter how we explain ourselves. So I say we might as well live our truth and explain our desires however we see fit – including, sometimes, not at all. There’s something beautiful in accepting the never-ending mystery that is human sexuality, and boldly declaring, “I don’t know why I want these things, but I do. And that is absolutely fine, no matter what anybody else has to say on the subject.”

 

What about you, dear reader? Do you see your sexuality as inborn, culturally influenced, or a bit of both?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

One of the Hottest Things a Dom Can Ever Say to Me…

Kate Sloan

There are plenty of things doms have said to me over the years that reliably send a shiver up my spine. “That’s an order.” “Did I say you could move?” “Good girl.”

But one that I’m thinking about a lot these days (because a wildly hot person has said it to me a few times lately) is: “Duly noted.” Let me explain…

With all the discourse these days about whether A.I. chatbots and porn video games are suitable replacements for human companionship (IMO: no, but you do you!), I find myself frequently pondering: What makes humans uniquely sexy, much sexier than any cheap simulacrum rendered in ones and zeroes?

The answer I come back to again and again is desire. A robot cannot want me. It can perhaps convincingly pretend to want me, but whenever I recall that its desire is constructed, my proverbial boner deflates in an instant. Mutual desire is the bedrock of any sexual encounter I’d want to be a part of, and the whole shebang feels hollow and flimsy without that foundation.

For similar reasons, it’s incredibly hot when a dom says “Duly noted” (or variations thereof) in response to me dropping some info they might want to implement later – like that I enjoy having my hair pulled, or that I sometimes burst into cathartic tears while being praised during a spanking. It demonstrates their desire for me, their desire to make me feel intense feelings in optimal ways – and it also demonstrates their desire to know me better, to understand what makes me tick sexually. I can’t think of many things I find hotter than that.

A robot, by contrast, may well remember things you’ve told it, but its own desires aren’t a factor in deciding what to “duly note” about you. And so I don’t really give a shit what a robot chooses to remember about me. If fucking me is like an adult video game, I don’t want to be ‘played’ by a robot that’s calculating its route based on probabilities; I want to be a fun challenge for a smart, focused human who brings their own turn-ons, talents, and ambitions to the table. (There’s a reason I adore the ingenuity of human speedrunners on Twitch but refuse to watch tool-assisted speedruns, which I find boring by comparison!)

The moment when someone actually employs information they previously “duly noted” – says the exact right thing at the exact right moment, touches the exact right spot in the exact right way – is one of the hottest moments that can ever happen during sex/kink, if you ask me. It communicates, all at once: 1) I pay attention to you and remember things you say, 2) I am astute, clever, and resourceful, and 3) it turns me on to make you feel good. I mean, what could be sexier than that?!

Now, doms, I know I’ve given you a powerful tool here, but don’t go around dropping this line left and right like it’s some kind of secret password… It works best when used judiciously – because, unlike a robot, your brain doesn’t just store information indiscriminately. Your brain picks and chooses what’s worth “duly noting,” and when to put that knowledge into action. And that sharp discernment is what makes you irresistible to subs like me, who want to see you ‘win the game’ fair and square: no cheat codes, no algorithms, just your gorgeously imperfect human body and brain, doing what it does best.

 

Fellow subs, do you also have a weakness for this particular line? Any standout memories related to it? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Bottoming is a Skill! (+ some tips on how to build it)

Kate Sloan
Photos by mb, of me finding out that Nick Jonas was performing in the Miscast video we were watching, lol

I am a good reactor. That is to say, I am good at reacting to things. I used to think this wasn’t even a skill – but through sex, kink, and comedy, I’ve learned that it absolutely is.

Over the course of a typical week, I’ll attend at least one improv show, and have kinky phone sex with a partner at least once. While these two activities occur in different places, contexts, and headspaces, in many ways I bring the same skills to the table for both: I dial up my natural reactions slightly, making more noise than I would if I was alone, because my responses serve a social function. They communicate what I’m enjoying, which helps the partner or performer hone their approach over time; they encourage any others present to react more openly too – and perhaps most crucially of all, they provide positive feedback which can make someone feel good, motivated, and appreciated.

Audience members at comedy shows might think they matter less than the performers they came to see, but without attentive audiences, performers simply couldn’t do what they do, or at least wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much. And by the same principle, when you’re bottoming (i.e. receiving sensation) in a kink scene, you might feel like you’re “not really doing anything” and like your top is “doing all the work” – when, in fact, it’s your receptiveness and reactivity that’s making their “work” feel like play! They might even feel lucky to get to top someone like you.

Suffice it to say: Bottoms aren’t just punching bags and cock sleeves – we’re a living, breathing, positive feedback loop, with skills worth boasting about. How do you build those skills, though? I could talk about this for hours, but here are 3 quick tips from my years of bottoming:

Amplify your reactions

A lot of people learn to be ultra-quiet when receiving pleasure (or pain, for that matter) while growing up, so for some of us, it may not come naturally to make noise at first. However, you can practice this skill, like anything else.

Moaning (or gasping, whimpering, etc.) is not automatically inauthentic just because you consciously choose to do it. You’re merely turning up the volume on your natural reactions to make them more legible to your top, which they will find both hot and useful. It gets easier the more that you do it, I swear. (And if you hate making noise in a silent room, put some music/white noise/rain sounds on, for fuck’s sake!)

Unlearn your people-pleaser tendencies

If you, like me, struggle with a compulsion to always say ‘yes’ and do what people expect of you, you might just be a people-pleaser. It’s an understandable maladaptation, but when it comes to bottoming, it can corrode the connection between you and your top. In order to play safely, they need to trust that you will safeword or say ‘no’ if you want/need to – which means you have to be able to say ‘no,’ even to someone you really like, and even when you’re incoherent from subspace.

I needed a few years of trauma therapy to address this issue, but even just saying ‘no’ to your partner about innocuous things (e.g. “Do you want Mexican food tonight?” “No, I had Mexican food last night…”) can be good practice. Work that muscle until it’s strong!

Ask yourself why

When something feels good during sex/kink, either physically or psychologically, ask yourself why that is. In other words, ask yourself what you liked about it, and file your answers away. Do the same for anything you decidedly don’t like – what made it unpleasant for you? You can share this info with tops as needed.

One of the things tops have consistently complimented me on is that I know what I like/want/need – but it took a lot of work for me to get to that point! Self-knowledge is often hard-won, and expressing that self-knowledge to someone else can feel super vulnerable – but that’s part of what makes kink such a beautiful practice: it invites us to know ourselves and our partners better, to see different sides of ourselves, to uncover the deep ‘whys’ of our own pleasures and joys.

Fellow bottoms, what other skills do you think are important for us to hone?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

An Underrated Way to Expand Your Kink Palate…

Kate Sloan

Ever feel stuck in your kinks, like you’re just looping the same fantasies in your head every time you jerk off/have sex, unable to break free from your own patterns?

Trust me, I’ve been there. While I’d never advise you to shame yourself for your desires, sometimes it’s not shame so much as boredom and monotony that make us want to expand our kink palates and palettes. Humans thrive on novelty, after all, and even your all-time favorite treat might leave you wanting more at times. (A lady cannot live on chocolate cake alone, as much as she might want to…!)

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that you can liven up your kink life by playing with people whose kinks differ from yours – ideally people with whom you have some overlap, but plenty of differences, too. As a fetishist friend of mine once put it (while consensually threatening to do a knife-play scene with me!), “I mean, we aren’t looking to be life partners here. Maybe just learn some stuff.”

This resonated with me deeply because, for me, so much of kink is about learning: it’s a lens through which to continually discover and rediscover what interests you, what excites you, and what you’re capable of. And in kink as in the rest of life, we often learn the most from people who are very different from us – because they inspire us to try things we otherwise wouldn’t have considered, and therefore to reveal new facets of our sexualities and selves.

For instance, if I hadn’t met my now-wife, whose biggest kink is erotic hypnosis, I doubt I would have fully realized how much pleasure I get from flow-state-esque headspaces like trance and subspace. Trance allowed me to explore alternate forms of bondage, too – ones that constrained me using the power of my own mind, instead of ropes or chains, which was cool and hot in totally unexpected ways.

It was also through my wife’s love of hypnosis that we discovered my fondness for dollification, bimbofication, and other forms of “intelligence play” – which have been surprisingly healing endeavors for me, as someone whose smarts have long been the load-bearing center of her identity and who sometimes needs a break from carrying that mantle.

So, this week my advice to you is: Find a way to expand your kink horizons by connecting with someone whose tastes are way outside your wheelhouse. Could some new friends at a munch introduce you to your Next Big Thing? Could a random, exhibitionistic Omegle video call free your mind by letting you play a role in somebody else’s fantasy? Could filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list with a current partner lead the two of you down entirely new paths together, that you wouldn’t have stumbled onto without discussing not only your similarities but also your beautiful differences? Only time will tell… and you won’t know until you try! 😉

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.