What’s Your Sunday Routine?

Sundays are the most anxiety-provoking day of the week for many people. For those of us with a standard Monday-to-Friday work week (which is, itself, a privilege in many ways), pre-emptive Monday nerves can sneak into Sunday and turn it from a relaxed respite into pins-and-needles panic. It doesn’t have to be this way!

Recently I read, with fascination, Rachel Syme’s Twitter thread about her favorite way to spend a Sunday. She calls it “Sunday Expert” and it’s a game in which you choose a subject you’re organically intrigued by and decide to make a day of becoming an expert on that thing. This can involve doing research in the form of article-reading and video-watching, or you can take a more feet-on-the-ground approach and physically go to a location that would help you in your research – you might, for example, scope out a house near you where a historical legend used to live, or (in pre- and post-COVID times) even visit a library to satiate your nerdy cravings. To me this seems like such a great way to infuse some fun and frivolity into a day that can otherwise feel so high-pressure and scary.

Rachel Syme also, incidentally, started the #DistanceButMakeItFashion movement, which encourages participants to dress up on Sundays and post pictures on social media to combat lockdown loneliness and pandemic melancholy. There is something about wearing heels and lipstick on a Sunday that helps me feel like I spent my weekend well and am ready for the week to start up again.

I know a lot of advocates of the Getting Things Done (GTD) system like to do their “weekly review” on Sundays. It’s all about processing “loose ends” – like that cheque on your desk you’ve been meaning to deposit, or that note you made early in the week that says “call mom” – as well as reflecting on how you did over the past week and setting goals and intentions for the week to come. This is all very Productivity Nerd™ and I admire it a lot, although I have to admit that my own workflow and energy levels are too chaotic for me to decisively commit to such a system.

My blogger heroine Gala Darling, on the other end of the productivity/relaxation spectrum, has oft advocated for “Sunday Funday,” a weekly ritual of just… not working, all day. For those of you who leave your work at the office when you go home on Friday, this might be a bit confusing, but for freelancers and other self-employed folks (as well as many people whose workplaces just don’t have a good handle on boundaries), it’s all too easy to let your work week carry over into the weekend. This creates a shitty cycle where you don’t get the rest you need and then suddenly it’s Monday morning and you’re just as exhausted as you were last Thursday. Not ideal! I’ve been trying to take this one to heart over the past few months, typically eschewing emails and other less-than-exciting work tasks in favor of rest and recuperation, and it’s lovely.

I asked my Twitter followers about their Sunday routines (thanks, if you contributed!) and the answers varied greatly, though there were some recurring themes: cleaning, planning, laundry, aesthetic top-ups (like re-painting nails or doing an elaborate skincare routine), exercise, and meditation. This all sounds pretty excellent to me!

As for my current routine… Recently my partner and I overhauled our protocol agreements, and one of the things we added was a weekly to-do list for me to complete over the weekend. This list of tasks was always done unofficially before – which is to say, sometimes it didn’t get done at all – but now it’s codified into a digital note which syncs to my partner’s devices so they can keep an eye on my progress. The list is pretty simple: tidy my room, clean out the fridge, take the trash out, do all the dishes, and wash all the dirty sex toys that have piled up over the course of the week. I can do these any time throughout the weekend, but I usually leave ’em til Sunday so I get at least one full day beforehand to do nothing, guilt-free.

What I like about this list is that I can alter the way I complete it in accordance with my energy levels and health status on any given Sunday. On healthy, happy, energetic days, I can knock out the whole list in an hour. When I’m feeling more sluggish or depressed, I might complete one task, rest for a while, do another one, read a chapter of a book, do another one, play video games for a bit, and so on. I do feel motivated to complete the list ASAP, however, because then I get the feeling of accomplishment of having ticked off every item on a list and I don’t need to feel guilty when I take the rest of the day to just chill.

This all sounds very Jordan Peterson of me – “Keep your room tidy and your whole life will feel structured and satisfying!” – but, hey, even a bigoted conservative clock is right twice a day (I guess…). Starting the week with a clean apartment makes me feel so much more able to take on the challenges the week will serve up. It also means I don’t have to juggle multiple energy-draining tasks on work days, when I’m already generally pretty tapped out by the time I close my laptop at 5 p.m. (or 6, or 7, or… 10).

As part of my tidying, I usually come across items I’ll need for the week ahead – like a sex toy I’m on deadline to review, or a page of notes from a client call – and I’ll collect those in an orderly way on my desk so they’ll be accessible when I want ’em. This makes me feel so much more sane and less stressed out all week long.

This is what works for me right now – I’m sure it’ll continue shifting and evolving as I learn more and more about my own patterns and needs. What are your Sunday routines and rituals?

5 Pandemic-Friendly Kinks to Play With While Quarantining

I don’t know about you, but watching a dramatic worldwide crescendo of racism and transphobia play out against the backdrop of a global pandemic doesn’t exactly make me horny. I’m sure that’s quadruply true for the people of color and trans people directly affected by the tidal wave of bullshit enveloping the world right now.

And yet… particularly for those of us who are highly sexual people and/or sex nerds, pursuing pleasure through sex can be one of our major methods of escapism, right alongside Netflix marathons and Animal Crossing sessions. I’ve been lucky enough to have my partner quarantined with me for the past 3 months, but they can’t and won’t stay forever, so I’m mentally preparing myself for the need to take my sexuality into my own hands once again. In stressful times such as these, getting creative can be an important component of that.

The good news is that even solo sexual creativity is easier than ever in the internet age. Online, we can theoretically order sex toys and sex furniture to satisfy our every kinky whim – and we can also learn about proclivities we may never have otherwise heard about, and start incorporating them into our fantasy lives. Here are some suggestions that work surprisingly well in a COVID-wracked world…

Mask Up

As a recent NYC Health brief on safer sex in the time of coronavirus helpfully noted, wearing a face covering or mask during sex is one way to practice harm reduction when hooking up these days. However, even if you’re rollin’ solo, a mask could be an interesting addition to your kinky imaginings. As you’ve probably already noticed while walking around with a mask on, these useful pieces of fabric make it slightly difficult to breathe… kinda like a lover’s hand clamped over your mouth and nose in a breath-play scene. This effect could make a mask a hot addition to your next masturbation session – just be safe, okay? Take the mask off if you start to experience any genuine discomfort or difficulty breathing. And wash that thing before you wear it out into the world again, incase you got any, uh, droplets on it.

Undercover Ballgag

Speaking of masks, it occurs to me that these days you could potentially wear a ballgag outdoors completely unnoticed under your mask, particularly with the creative usage of a hat or somesuch to cover any telltale straps. Only do this if you know you won’t need to interact with anyone at any point – maybe on a meandering walk on side-streets while listening to a kinky podcast. I’d suggest the type of ballgag that has holes in it for easier breathing, since – as we’ve discussed – masks already make that difficult. Don’t overdo this one, because you don’t want to injure your jaw, but if you’re craving some public humiliation/submission, this could be a cool way to make that happen without necessarily involving any non-consenting third parties.

Creepin’ and Cammin’

We’ve already talked about exhibitionism vis-à-vis quarantine, but my friend Bex had such a great idea about this on a recent episode of our podcast that I wanted to share it here too. With the proliferation of Zoom calls and FaceTime chats these days, it’s easy to imagine a roleplay scenario with a partner in which you “accidentally” forget to disconnect at the end of a call, and the person on the other end is able to creepily watch while you get undressed, or jerk off, or fellate a sex toy, or… whatever else you like to do to decompress after a draining video call. This is a cool way to play with the idea of a “peeping tom” without either of you having to leave your homes.

Hygiene Humiliation

In just the few months since COVID popped off, I’ve noticed it’s shifted the way I view media. I’ll be watching a party scene from a 1960s sex comedy, or a friend-hang at a crowded bar in a ’90s sitcom, and I’ll feel myself momentarily overcome with medical anxiety – “Aaahh, get away from each other, you’re not standing 6 feet apart, you fools!!” It occurs to me, though, that this same impulse could be harnessed for all sorts of humiliation-based fantasies. Maybe your domme orders you to give yourself a harsh spanking for only washing your hands for one Happy Birthday, not two… or you have to scour every doorknob and cabinet handle with Lysol and an old toothbrush… or you get your mouth rinsed out with soap for breaking one too many public health guidelines. (Listen to the recent episode of the Off the Cuffs podcast entitled “Rub A Dub Dub” for tips on mouth-soaping!) Whatever you do, make sure all your “violations” occur only in your own home, or even just within your fantasies – humiliation is hot but it’s not worth spreading disease for, obvi.

Ghostly ‘Gasms

Have you ever heard of spectrophilia? It’s a fetishistic interest in spirits or ghosts (or the idea of them, anyway). Some folks in this community claim to have actually hooked up with a ghost, or perhaps several; I’ll let the Mythbusters handle that one, but even if you don’t believe in the paranormal, it could be fun to do a spectrophilic scene with your socially-distanced sweetie. If you put them on speakerphone and position your phone such that your lover’s voice seems to be emanating from the walls or from the depths of your closet, you can create the illusion that there’s a pervy, voyeuristic ghost creeping on you while you masturbate. Fear play isn’t everyone’s jam, but it could be a nice make-believe counteragent to the very real fears pervading the globe right now!

 

What COVID-appropriate kinks have you been playing with lately, if any? (“None” is a completely valid answer… Reading the news these days isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac, to say the least.)

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 Ways to Unlearn the Anti-Black Whorearchy

Remarkable photo by Scarlet Harlot

Racism and sex worker rights are two issues at the forefront of my mind these days, as my social media feeds overflow with white supremacist police violence, loss of income for many due to COVID-19, and the continuing fallout of the whorephobic SESTA/FOSTA laws that make life more difficult for people whose lives were already pretty damn hard.

Recently I listened to a lecture Tina Horn posted to her Why Are People Into That? podcast feed on the topic of the whorearchy – which I knew existed, but hadn’t thought about in much detail before. For those who don’t know, the whorearchy is the abhorrent sociocultural system of biases by which sex workers can be ranked into a hierarchy and then judged based on their place in it. “Trashier,” “sluttier,” more dangerous and/or more stigmatized forms of sex workers tend to end up near the bottom – strippers and street-based escorts come to mind – while those seen as “classier” or less directly/physically involved with their clients tend to be ranked near the top – think webcam performers, sugar babies, and phone sex operators.

While obviously this paradigm is classist, slut-shaming, and whorephobic, it can often be overlooked that it’s also racist, and specifically anti-Black. Clients and fellow sex workers alike can have both overt and covert racist views that affect how Black sex workers are perceived and treated, and what price they can command. As a white person who only dabbles in sex work here and there, I’m going to pull from writing I’ve read from Black women and sex workers, including Daniella Barreto, Jasmine Sankofa, Terri-Jean Bedford, and more, to recommend some ways you can work to unlearn and oppose the anti-Black whorearchy you’ve likely internalized.

Learn about the labor involved in different kinds of sex work.

There seems to be a common sentiment among those who harbor unexamined whorephobia that certain types of sex work are “easy.” This is why, for example, sometimes privileged women will joke that they’ll “just get a sugar daddy” or make an OnlyFans account when they have a few extra bills to pay, as if these roles are easy ones to slip into and start making money from.

In reality, just about every sex worker out there – from a camgirl in her Toronto basement to a stripper in a sticky-floored New York club to the finest luxury escort London has to offer – puts in waaay more work than you probably think. Marketing, grooming, skill-building, fitness maintenance, client relations… These things take a hell of a lot of effort and time. Researching what’s actually involved in the different kinds of sex work – especially the kinds you view, consciously or less so, as “trashy” or “low-class” – will avail you of those misconceptions pretty quick. (Make sure you’re reading accounts written by actual sex workers!)

Shift your language.

I’ve stopped using the word “whore” the way I used to – as synonymous with “slut” – because I’ve learned from sex worker activists that it’s a term used historically to slander and stigmatize sex workers, and thus only they can choose to reclaim it for themselves. Similarly, “ho”/”hoe” is a derivative form of this word which comes from African-American Vernacular English (AAVE) and thus isn’t for white people’s use. (This is just my understanding; those in the know can feel free to correct me on this if I’m wrong.)

There are lots of unsavory slang terms for various types of sex workers, and many of them have a racist tinge (to say the least). If you’re not sure of the best terminology for a particular type of work or worker, look to the writings of the people doing that work and see which terms they prefer and why. Then, commit to shifting the language you use when you talk about these issues.

Write to your political leaders about SESTA/FOSTA.

The laws known as SESTA/FOSTA were ostensibly created to prevent sexual trafficking – but in practice, they’ve mostly just deepened the existing issue of sex workers being unable to safely advertise and conduct their work, online or off. As with pretty much any issue involving legal repercussions or financial disempowerment, this has hit Black sex workers particularly hard, since (as the news lately has loudly echoed for us) the law enforcement system is hugely racist, and Black folks are likelier than white folks to struggle with economic lack and uncertainty.

For this reason, as Amnesty International USA has argued, sex work decriminalization is a racial justice issue, among other things. Write to your political leaders to demand they work to repeal SESTA/FOSTA – or whatever other anti-sex work laws exist where you live. Many people’s lives and livelihoods depend on it.

Call out whorephobic comments when you hear them.

When I was a kid, there was a strip club in my neighborhood, so we drove by it fairly often. My parents were fortunately chill about it, but I often saw people laughing, pointing, and staring at the signage when they walked by, as if the very idea of a stripper was something to be mocked and belittled. People make whorephobic comments all the time, in a wide variety of ways – many of which are subtly or not-so-subtly racist – and a small thing you can do to fight against sex work stigma is to push back when you hear those comments being made.

While some prefer a more direct or aggressive approach, I usually like to respond to these comments calmly, with facts. When someone pityingly or disgustedly describes sex work as “selling [one’s] body,” for example, I like to point out that tons of other workers – including athletes, massage therapists, dancers, and actors – also make money from the ways they use their bodies. Sometimes the simplest rebuttals and reframes can help someone look at sex work in a new light.

Follow more Black sex workers on social media.

The fastest way to comprehend a group of people you don’t know enough about, in my experience, is to surround yourself with those people and listen to them. Even if you don’t think the anti-Black whorearchy informs your perspective, it probably does – and you can shift its insidious influence over time by just spending more time reading the thoughts, opinions, and work of Black sex workers.

I need to do better at this, myself – most of the sex workers I follow are white, so I know I’m only getting a limited view of the industry and the problems within it. The @BlackSexWorkers account is no longer active, but its Following and Followers lists look like a good place to start. Feel free to recommend folks to follow in the comments if there are any Black sex workers you find delightful/enriching to follow!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. I donated $50.00 USD/$70.00 CAD of my sponsorship fee for this post to the Black Sex Worker Collective; feel free to match me if you have the means!

I Miss Going to Sex Shops

A selfie taken with Taylor J Mace at one of our local sex shops.

It’s a scary time for almost every type of business, but I’m especially worried about sex shops.

Right now, adult shops in Sydney and New York and Toronto and other metropolises with thriving sex-positive communities are faced with difficult daily questions, like: Should we stay open, offer only curbside pickup and delivery, or shut down completely? Are our sanitization procedures sufficient for the global health crisis we’re facing? Are we supporting our employees as best we can? Is all of this struggling even worth it?

I think it is, and I think most sex shop owners probably think that too. Many of the best sex shops in Melbourne, Los Angeles, Portland, etc. were founded by people who are passionate about sex toys, sure, but also about sex education. Sex shops function as hubs for community learning on topics like pleasure, anatomy, and even consent. I did more direct sex education work in my few months working at sex shops than I’ve done in entire years elsewhere in the sexuality field. I saw people’s eyes light up when they happened upon a new-to-them erotic possibility. I saw people’s excitement radiate off them as they sauntered out of the shop with a fresh sexy treat in a brown paper bag. I saw that this work transforms sex lives and also sometimes saves lives.

I miss sex shops not just as an employee but as a customer. I miss strolling into my local women-owned erotic boutique and being offered a cup of tea to sip as I shop – it reminds me of the very first time I went into that very sex store, when I was 16, and they sold me my first vibrator, no questions asked. I miss trying on lingerie in a fitting room while an attentive salesperson swans around outside, available for insight and advice as needed. I miss picking up a dildo I’ve had my eye on and getting an embodied sense of its size and weight that product pictures online just couldn’t convey. I miss smart salespeople offering tips and tricks for the vibrator I’m buying, life hacks I could take home to a partner for some revelatory fucking. Every sex shop is a treasure, and so are many of their employees.

What can you do to support your favorite adult stores in Sydney or Vancouver or Paris or wherever you live right now? You can order products from them online if they offer that – or if not, try calling them to see if they can arrange a curbside pickup or any other appropriately safe hand-off method. You can buy tickets for online classes or workshops they might be offering. You can refer friends to them, should you happen to know anyone who’s just run out of lube in quarantine or wants to use their lockdown period to try out a neat new sex toy. Hell, you can even buy a gift card to use once restrictions have eased up.

This pandemic is perilous for so many institutions, from New York’s healthcare system to Montreal’s restaurant business to, yes, Brisbane’s adult shops. I deeply hope these de facto sexual community centers can pull through, if just so that more people can discover and take charge of their sexualities, the way I started to when my first sex shop sold me my very first vibrator all those years ago.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own. For more info on this topic, read my friend Epiphora’s post!

My Top 5 Favorite Cocktails, & How to Make Them

You know… sometimes I refer to this website as a sex blog, but other times, I just think of it as a place where I celebrate my favorite things, many of which happen to be sex-related. Today I feel like talking about cocktails. Let’s dive in and drink up! (Unless you don’t drink, which is totally cool! My drinks-savvy partner recommends this book of mocktail recipes, and I’ve also tried Seedlip non-alcoholic spirits and think they are delicious.)


Gin Martini, Extra Dirty

I’ve had a lot of different martinis, and after much experimentation, this is my favorite one. Some people prefer a vodka martini, but I find gin more flavorful and more pleasant. Some people prefer a martini without vermouth, but (whispers conspiratorially) that’s not actually a martini, it’s just a chilled glass of gin or vodka. Finally, some people prefer their martinis with a lemon twist instead of olives, and with no brine, but I am a filthy girl with filthy tastes. Dirty gin martini it is! I love how the saltiness of the brine balances with the florality of the gin in this classic drink.

Ingredients:

  • 2 oz London dry gin (I like Bombay Sapphire)
  • 1 oz dry vermouth
  • 0.5 oz olive brine (or more, to taste)
  • 3 olives

Stir ingredients over ice in a mixing glass until very cold. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with olives on a cocktail pick.


Southside

I can’t think of a more refreshing cocktail than this one. It’s considered a classic, though it’s nonetheless obscure enough that many bartenders won’t know what the hell you’re talking about when you order it. However, luckily, it’s fairly easy to make at home.

Ingredients:

  • 2 oz London dry gin
  • 1 oz fresh-squeezed lime juice
  • 0.75 oz simple syrup
  • 8-12 mint leaves

Put the mint leaves and simple syrup into the bottom of a cocktail shaker and gently muddle them with a muddler, wooden spoon, or similar. Add gin, lime juice, and ice. Shake vigorously until the outside of the shaker is uncomfortably cold, and then double-strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with additional mint leaves.


Manhattan

Another classic. I like this one as an after-dinner drink to wind down the evening; it also pairs excellently with steak! I really like how the spices in the Angostura bitters add a satisfying richness to this boozy drink.

Please note that your vermouth needs to be fresh – many people don’t know that vermouth goes bad after a few months, so they keep using the same old bottle and then wonder why their drinks taste terrible. Toss that old bottle and get a fresh one!

Ingredients:

Add bourbon/rye, vermouth, bitters, and ice to a mixing glass. Stir until cold. Strain into a glass of your choosing, and garnish with the cherry on a cocktail pick.


Negroni

This is a refreshing, summery drink often associated with Italy. I can imagine sitting in a piazza somewhere, sipping this during an animated conversation over burrata and cacio e pepe. Yum.

My partner and I have also experimented with subbing in fino sherry for the sweet vermouth, which gives the drink a slightly nuttier, drier flavor. It’s delicious both ways!

Ingredients:

  • 1 oz gin
  • 1 oz Campari
  • 1 oz sweet vermouth
  • A twist of orange peel

Stir or shake the gin, Campari, and vermouth over ice. Serve on the rocks. Squeeze the orange peel over the drink to express the citrus oils, and then run it around the edge of the glass to add extra aromatics before dropping it into the drink as a garnish.


London Calling

This one’s a bit more unusual than the others on this list… Once I went to Civil Liberties and asked the bartender, Nick, if he had any limoncello. He didn’t, but he told me he would make me something that tasted kind of like limoncello. He came back a few minutes later with a London Calling and I immediately fell in love. The bright, tart fruitiness of the lemon juice blends beautifully with the dryness and minerality of the sherry. It’s a refreshing drink with a backbone.

Ingredients (according to Nick’s recipe; opinions vary on this):

  • 1.75 oz gin
  • 1 oz fresh-squeezed lemon juice
  • 0.75 oz simple syrup
  • 0.75 oz fino sherry
  • 4 dashes orange bitters
  • A twist of citrus peel

Shake gin, lemon juice, simple syrup, and sherry in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a glass. Garnish with a twist of citrus peel (Nick suggests grapefruit).


What drinks are you enjoying lately?