cocktails

I Tried LubeLife’s New Dill Pickle-Flavored Lube!

Kate Sloan

Did you know that apparently Gen Z is obsessed with pickles? Reminds me of the era when my own generation, millennials, were disproportionately enamored with bacon, spawning countless bacon-centric memes and jokes. Cultural trends can be so strange!

To be honest, I understand the passion for pickles even more than I understood the bacon fixation. I love me a salty snack, and few things are saltier than pickles. For years, my go-to cocktail has been a dirty martini, and while it’s normally dirtied up with olive brine, I’ve come to appreciate pickle-brine martinis just as much, if not more. The dill flavor lends an herbal savoriness that makes my little Polish-Jewish heart sing! (My fave pickles are by Grillo’s, incase you were wondering…)

All this to say, when I recently received a press release from lubricant company LubeLife about their newest launch – a limited-edition PICKLE-FLAVORED LUBE – I shrieked at my laptop and hit ‘reply’ so fast I practically pulled a muscle. (…the pain of which incidentally could’ve been alleviated by eating pickles. What can’t they do?!)

A pickle-themed press mailer

About a week later, a package arrived for me. Inside was a pickle-shaped stress ball, a pickle-shaped pen, a pickle-shaped vibrator(!), some pickle stickers (which sounds like slang for tools you’d use in a CBT scene…), green socks that say “big pickle energy,” a green pickle-emblazoned baseball cap that says “not my first pickle,” and la pièce de résistance: the pickle-flavored lube itself.

I jammed the jaunty hat onto my head immediately, and brought the lube to my wife so we both could taste it.

What’s it taste like?

As soon as my wife and I both sampled the lube, we looked at each other wide-eyed, like, “Oh damn! That’s better than I expected!” I thought it was pretty good, but my wife (admittedly not usually a flavored lube enjoyer) announced that it was probably the best flavored lube she’d ever tried.

Let me be clear: You will not like this lube if you don’t like dill pickles. I mean, duh. But I’m telling you, you really won’t. This lube is only for connoisseurs of these particular savory flavors. It doesn’t just taste salty; it actually tastes like dill – both the sweeter and savorier aspects of that flavor profile – as well as some of the other ingredients often found in dill pickle brine, such as garlic. If I were a lube sommelier with terrifically tuned-in tastebuds, perhaps I could pick out some subtler flavors therein – mustard seed, coriander, black peppercorns? – but my palate is more plebeian than that, so mostly I just taste dill and garlic.

Ultimately, the garlic note made it hard for me to love this lube beyond that initial taste-test. The same way it does in culinary applications, that taste tends to linger longer than lots of others, including the dill-y sweetness that initially seems like the lube’s main flavor. I don’t love walking around with a mouth tasting like garlic, especially if I’m gonna be making out/having sex, but I know some people who adore garlic and would probably dig this!

The martini test

My wife and I are big cocktail fans, and (as I mentioned up top) one of my favorites is a dirty martini. I’ve made myself dozens of pickle-brine dirty martinis at home over the last few years, and really enjoy the way gin and vermouth balance out the saltiness of the brine – so I thought, why not try LubeLife’s pickle lube in a martini, instead of traditional brine?

My wife suggested I make a tiny, scaled-down drink, since she (wisely) didn’t want me to waste too much good liquor on what might turn out to be a disgusting experiment… so I mixed a quarter-size martini: half an ounce of London dry gin, a quarter-ounce of Dolin dry vermouth, and a couple little squirts of pickle lube. I stirred ’em with an ice cube for chill and dilution (or dill-ution, if you will…), and then strained the mixture into a teensy little cocktail glass and brought it to my wife for tasting.

“I’m not mad at it,” she said with a shrug when she tried it. We agreed that the lube’s otherwise sharp flavor profile is pleasantly rounded out in the context of a martini – the dill and garlic were definitely still perceptible, but were significantly toned down, a fun embellishment rather than the dominant flavor. Perhaps that’s how this lube tastes best: diluted, whether by booze or bodily fluids. Speaking of which…

The sex test + a word of warning

Quite reasonably, neither of my partners were willing to let me test out this lube on their actual junk, because flavored lubes are somewhat risky from a genital health perspective. This pickle lube contains sucralose, an artificial sweetener, as well as glycerin, both of which can irritate the vagina. As such, I’d recommend only using flavored lubes externally (i.e. on/around a clit, labia, dick, balls, or anal opening), and switching to a more standard lube formula if you want to do some penetration. (My favorite, as ever, is Sutil Rich.)

That being said, a savory lube like this one is probably a better pairing with genital tastes than many other flavored lubes would be. As my friend Billy Lore often says, “Strawberry lube on a dick isn’t just gonna taste like strawberries, it’s gonna taste like strawberries and dick” – and with that being the case, it makes sense to choose a lube that will pair harmoniously with the taste of dick and/or pussy, rather than clashing with it. I tried some of this lube alongside a dash of my own vaginal fluids, and found that the two worked well together, like prosecco and oysters – they were vaguely in the same flavor family and thus actually elevated one another. And isn’t that kind of the ideal scenario when it comes to a flavored lube?

 

What do you think, dear readers? Would you ever try a pickle-flavored lube? Do you think this is a terrible idea, or a great one?

 

This post was NOT sponsored, I really just wanted to ramble at you about pickle lube. LubeLife did send me the product for free, though.

5 Yummy Summer Cocktails

Kate Sloan

Summer is well and truly upon us, and my city is reopening after lockdown, meaning soon I’ll be able to return to my solo-date tradition of sitting on a cocktail bar patio with a good book and not a care in the world. Blissful!

To celebrate, here are the recipes for cocktails I love to sip in summer, incase you, too, are craving refreshing libations. (Be sure to also check out my previous post of cocktail recipes to learn about the Southside, possibly my all-time favorite summer drink.)

Margarita

As a white lady, I won’t claim to be any kind of margarita expert. Really, the thing to do is go to the best Mexican restaurant in your city/town and order their margarita – just the basic/traditional version, nothing fancy. (Try as I might, I can’t seem to make a margarita as delicious as the giant ones served at Toronto’s El Catrin.)

That said, this drink is so classically summery that I appreciate being able to make one at home if I feel like it. Here’s the specs I use…

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 oz tequila
  • 0.75 oz fresh-squeezed lime juice
  • 0.75 oz Cointreau
  • 0.25 oz agave syrup (or simple syrup if you don’t have it)

Run the juicy part of a lemon slice around the rim of a glass to get it sticky, and then gently roll the lemony rim against a pile of salt on a plate until you get your glass as salt-rimmed as you want it. Then, combine all above ingredients in a cocktail shaker, add ice, and shake until well-chilled. Strain into glass over ice (or sans ice if you prefer).

Black Walnut

This is one of the house drinks at Northwood, a local bar I like very much. I have no idea what their actual recipe is, but this version was devised by my partner mb when I told them I missed being able to sip this drink. They did a bunch of research on it and messaged with one of our bartender friends to try to figure out an approximation of the Black Walnut as served at Northwood, and I think it tastes very close to the real thing!

Ingredients:

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker. Add ice and shake until well-chilled. Strain into glass over a big ice cube. Garnish with a cinnamon stick.

*To make cinnamon demerara syrup: Bring 2 cups of water to a boil on the stovetop, then reduce heat to medium-low and add 1 cup of demerara sugar + a few crumbled cinnamon sticks. Stir continuously until all the sugar is dissolved. For maximum cinnamon flavor, let steep for anywhere from 1 hour to overnight. Then, strain mixture into a bottle.

**To make walnut tea-infused rum: Add ~2 tablespoons of black walnut tea to a bottle of white rum (I like Bacardi’s). Shake vigorously. Let infuse for at least 2 hours, then strain and return to bottle.

Daiquiri #2

This is a fruitier, even more summery take on the classic daiquiri, which traditionally contains just lime juice, rum, and a little sugar. I like this orange-centric version because it reminds me of tropical vacations.

Ingredients:

  • 2 oz white rum
  • 0.75 oz fresh-squeezed lime juice
  • 0.5 oz simple syrup
  • 1 teaspoon fresh-squeezed orange juice
  • 1 teaspoon curaçao

Add all ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled. Double-strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with an orange twist.

Jungle Bird

My spouse introduced me to this formidable drink. It feels like a super grown-up cocktail due to the way it balances sweetness with bitterness so well, especially compared to other fruity drinks.

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 oz dark rum
  • 1.5 oz pineapple juice
  • 0.75 oz Campari
  • 0.5 oz lime juice
  • 0.5 oz simple syrup

Add all ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled. Strain into an old-fashioned glass over a big ice cube. Garnish with a pineapple frond and/or orange slice.

Jasmine

This drink, too, is a nice interplay between sweetness and bitterness. I first had it when my partner and I decided to watch the movie Blue Jasmine together and wanted a thematically appropriate cocktail to sip during the film. Cate Blanchett’s character in that movie, Jasmine, probably would have liked this drink – it’s bright, refined, and a little quirky.

Ingredients:

  • 1.5 oz gin (ideally a London dry gin like Tanqueray or Bombay Sapphire)
  • 0.75 oz fresh-squeezed lemon juice
  • 1 oz Cointreau
  • 0.5 oz Campari

Add all ingredients to cocktail shaker with ice and shake until well-chilled. Strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with a lemon twist.

What have you been sipping lately?

Monthly Faves: Sparkles, Silk, & Cinnamon

Kate Sloan

 

Media

• Some sexual misconduct scandals broke at my old high school recently (more on that soon, I think), so I’ve definitely been Processing Some Difficult Feelings. When that’s the case, sometimes it helps me to consume media where characters experience problems similar to my own – so this month I enjoyed watching Notes on a Scandal, a 2006 thriller where Cate Blanchett plays a teacher who gets caught having an affair with a student, and reading Being Lolita, Alisson Wood’s striking memoir about a predatory creative writing teacher who viewed Lolita as a blueprint for life rather than as a shocking character study about a pedophile.

• My old friend Kathleen Gros wrote a graphic novel loosely based on Little Women, updated for a modern (and queer!) audience. I flew through it soon after it arrived in my mailbox, and loved its depiction of a positive queer coming-of-age.

• My long-time guitarist crush Nathan Stocker (of my favorite band, Hippo Campus) has a new album out under his solo project name, Brotherkenzie. It’s called Big What and it’s been haunting my days lately with its moody/contemplative lyrics and its sweetly sad instrumentations. If the idea of a bluesier Phoebe Bridgers or Elliott Smith sounds divine to you, I think you’d dig this album.

• Watching speed-builds of houses in The Sims 4 has been oddly soothing to me lately. It’s just so satisfying to watch someone build an entire home from scratch. I particularly like LukeyDean’s videos.

• It’s been a few years since my last New Girl re-watch, but this month I revisited season 2 and was struck anew by the sense that it’s probably one of the funniest TV shows that’s ever been made (at least, for my weird sense of humor!). The writing, the acting, the ad-libbing… These chaotic thirtysomethings are always a delight to watch.

 

Products

• As I’ve mentioned, the Magic Wand Plus is rocking my world lately – and my internal clitoral network!

• A few weeks ago I tried to go to Northwood to sit on their patio and sip a cocktail, because I was craving one particular item from their house menu, a rum-based sour called the Black Walnut – but when I got there, they were closed, even though they said they’d be open! Disappointed, I later made it my mission to learn to make a passable substitute for this drink at home – and with the help of my cocktail-genius partner, I learned how to do it. It involved infusing a bottle of white rum with walnut tea and making cinnamon demerara syrup in a sauce pan, so it was definitely the most labor-intensive cocktail I’ve ever made, but damn, it is delicious.

• I don’t often paint my nails, but when I do, I want ’em colorful and glittery as fuck. To that end, I firmly believe that Essie’s “Set in Stones” is the best thing to layer over just about any base color. Seeing silver sparkles splashed across my nails every day is almost enough to make me want to stop biting them forever…!

• As part of a financial domination scene recently, my partner sent me some royal blue lingerie from Agent Provocateur. It is incredibly sexy and pairs very well with my beloved pink silk robe.

• My brother recently started a clothing line called Pop Star Dress-Up, and I have to say that their hoodie (coming soon to the shop) is one of the coziest I’ve ever owned. I’m definitely gonna need something like that as the colder months start creeping up on us!

 

Work & Appearances

• This month on the Dildorks, Bex and I talked about subspace and topspace, crying as kinky catharsis, and vetting potential partners. We also interviewed psychotherapist Jessica Fern about her new polyamory book Polysecure, and I interviewed my partner mb about our recent forays into chastity play.

• In my newsletter, I wrote about the quiet desperation of long-distance relationships, answered some questions from the AskWomen subreddit, recounted some of my relationship rituals and routines, and explored some feelings about nail polish, gender, sexuality, and identity.

 

Good Causes

• The news this month about the lack of accountability for Breonna Taylor’s murderers was heartbreaking and disheartening. You can donate to her family’s GoFundMe if you like; the money is now being routed to the Breonna Taylor Foundation, which is working to empower women, encourage more people to get their EMT training, and advocate for police reform. This “Justice for Breonna” T-shirt is also donating its proceeds to the foundation.

• On that note, donating to the Louisville Community Bail Fund would be a great move right now, as protests continue (and police continue to crack down on them) where Breonna lived.

• Since this is such an especially hard time for Black women and girls, you could donate to the Loveland Foundation’s therapy fund, which provides financial assistance to Black women seeking therapy services.

Monthly Faves: Temperature Play & Time Loops

Kate Sloan

It’s been a rocky month for me health-wise (I’m sure many of you can relate), but some things still made me smile and propelled me forward. Here are some faves from July…

 

Media

• I cannot express to you how much the Bad Dog Theatre’s weekly livestream of their dating-focused hit improv show Hookup improves my mood and my life. They are doing some of the most inspired, masterful improv I’ve ever seen – OVER ZOOM! EVERY WEEK! FOR FREE! (Although, you should also donate to the Bad Dog so they can stay in operation.) Also, incidentally, if you are single and would like to be interviewed for the show, they’re always looking for people like you.

• As I’ve mentioned, during the pandemic I’ve fallen back into a long-standing Pokémon preoccupation (I’ve been playing these games since about ’98-’99, YEESH). As a result, I’ve been re-watching Chuggaaconroy’s playthrough of Pokémon Crystal, and marveling at how he manages to be both hilarious and informative in every video. Apparently I am destined to have crushes on nerdy boys for ever and ever.

• The movie Palm Springs is new to Hulu and stars Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti in a Groundhog Day-esque time loop. Interestingly, although it’s a comedy with a lot of laughs, it deals with some of the darker and more haunting aspects of living in an infinite time loop (e.g. feeling suicidal, ceasing to care about your own life) in a way that reminds me of the struggle of living with depression. It’s really been a delight to watch that goofy kid from Lazy Sunday grow up into such a thoughtful and nuanced actor.

• The new edition of The Adventure Zone graphic novel series came out this month, and it happens to be the instalment in which the character named after me is featured! (Details here, if you’re curious.) As per usual for this series, I have to especially congratulate Carey Pietsch for her brilliant and expressive illustrations. I’ve been listening to these characters and their stories for so many years and it’s an oddly emotional experience seeing them translated into visual form!

• One of my favorite YouTubers, as I’ve mentioned before, is Greg of How to Drink, and he’s been doing a lot of Q&A livestreams these past few months. This recent one hit me right in the feels – it’s basically a 90-minute lecture where Greg discusses his mental health and his history in freelancing and odd jobs, and advises viewers on getting out of their shitty employment situations and starting up their passion projects. I could not look away for basically the entire duration of this video. What a charismatic man.

 

Products

• My chronic pain has been pretty much constant lately, and often pretty debilitating, resulting in lessened productivity and efficiency – so I allocated some of my book advance funds toward buying a refurbished iPad mini. I remembered hearing that Esmé Wang apparently wrote her entire last book, The Collected Schizophrenias (which is a literal work of genius), on an iPad, because her chronic illness causes fatigue and weakness that can make it difficult to sit up for long stretches. So far, the iPad, paired with a bright turquoise Adonit Mark stylus, has been a great tool for me for both work and leisure.

• I really need to write a post here about decadent loungewear in the time of COVID-19, because I’ve stepped up my lounge game quite significantly these past few months… My most recent acquisition was a black modal long-sleeved hooded onesie from MeUndies (clicking that link will apparently get you 20% off if you want anything from them). It’s currently a bit too warm here to wear it, but I’m so looking forward to spending cozy autumn days swathed in soft modal from head to toe.

• The vintage-inspired, elegantly simple Coach Rambler bag was on sale recently so I ordered one in the “hibiscus” color. I’m not normally much for small handbags but this one is actually kind of the perfect fashionable vessel for the coronavirus era… It has room enough for my wallet, sunglasses, hand sanitizer, and a book or journal, but doesn’t need to be large enough for my laptop because I’m still not going anywhere outside the home to get work done. (*cries softly into my cup of shitty instant coffee from the pantry*)

• I bought this citrus juicer a while back, solely because it was bright yellow and the other options available were boring, but my cocktail-savvy partner later told me this one is particularly good for people with strength/grip issues in their hands, like me – score! When mb went home this month after being my live-in bartender (and, y’know, temporarily live-in beloved partner) for 4 months, it felt really empowering and uplifting to be able to make my own cocktails, even relatively complex ones. (If you’re curious about makin’ drankz, this Bartender’s Choice app is mb’s recommendation and makes it really easy to not only find drink recipes to make but also learn about their histories.)

 

Work & Appearances

• This month on the Dildorks, we discussed conversational skills (twice), how my chronic pain interacts with sex and kink, and how Bex’s ADHD affects his dating life. Did you know next week is our TWO-HUNDREDTH EPISODE?!?

• In my newsletter, I wrote about temperature play involving ice cubes, how long-distance relationships make me feel about my body, why the iPad mini is the best device to watch porn on, being “enough” even when I don’t feel like enough, and slapping my partner’s cock until they came.

• As mentioned, I really loved the movie Palm Springs – and on one random energetic evening this month, I felt inspired to write a piece of sexy fanfiction about it, which is only the 3rd piece of fic for this movie on the entirety of AO3 as far as I can tell. I hope people write more! I sure might…

• Andy Shauf released a couple of new songs this month that were cut from his concept album The Neon Skyline, which is about a recently-dumped sadsack of a man trying to get over his ex by drinking his troubles away at a Parkdale diner with his pals. One of these B-sides, “Jeremy’s Wedding,” seems to be about the almost universally awkward experience of having to attend a wedding where your most painful ex is also a guest. I learned it on the ukulele and covered it on YouTube.

 

Good Causes

• Immigration has been, as I’m sure you know, a hot-button issue throughout the term of the current fascist and racist American president. An organization doing great work in this area is the Black Alliance for Just Immigration, which, in their own words, “educates and engages African American and Black immigrant communities to organize and advocate for racial, social and economic justice.”

• The Black Legal Action Center provides free legal assistance for low-income Black residents of Ontario, where I live. What with all the protests against police brutality lately – which, as you’ve likely seen, are infuriatingly being literally beaten down with yet more police brutality – tons of folks are getting arrested and jailed on very little basis, if any, so this is a timely cause to contribute to. (But let’s be real: given the disproportionate rates at which the legal system targets Black folks, this is always a timely cause.)

• I am thinking so much about how the pandemic and its fallout will affect the arts industries, and yeesh, y’all – it ain’t lookin’ good. The Black Art Futures Fund gives out grants “promoting the elevation and preservation of Black arts & culture” and runs largely on donations.

• Want to support a burgeoning Black-owned business? Wendy is starting a magical bath biz and could use your dollars and signal-boosts.

• My friend Sugarcunt, a fellow sex writer (and honestly one of the funniest and kindest humans I’ve ever met), is raising rent funds so they can avoid getting evicted.

My Top 5 Favorite Cocktails, & How to Make Them

Kate Sloan

You know… sometimes I refer to this website as a sex blog, but other times, I just think of it as a place where I celebrate my favorite things, many of which happen to be sex-related. Today I feel like talking about cocktails. Let’s dive in and drink up! (Unless you don’t drink, which is totally cool! My drinks-savvy partner recommends this book of mocktail recipes, and I’ve also tried Seedlip non-alcoholic spirits and think they are delicious.)

Gin Martini, Extra Dirty

I’ve had a lot of different martinis, and after much experimentation, this is my favorite one. Some people prefer a vodka martini, but I find gin more flavorful and more pleasant. Some people prefer a martini without vermouth, but (whispers conspiratorially) that’s not actually a martini, it’s just a chilled glass of gin or vodka. Finally, some people prefer their martinis with a lemon twist instead of olives, and with no brine, but I am a filthy girl with filthy tastes. Dirty gin martini it is! I love how the saltiness of the brine balances with the florality of the gin in this classic drink.

Ingredients:

  • 2 oz London dry gin (I like Bombay Sapphire)
  • 1 oz dry vermouth
  • 0.5 oz olive brine (or more, to taste)
  • 3 olives

Stir ingredients over ice in a mixing glass until very cold. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Garnish with olives on a cocktail pick.

Southside

I can’t think of a more refreshing cocktail than this one. It’s considered a classic, though it’s nonetheless obscure enough that many bartenders won’t know what the hell you’re talking about when you order it. However, luckily, it’s fairly easy to make at home.

Ingredients:

  • 2 oz London dry gin
  • 1 oz fresh-squeezed lime juice
  • 0.75 oz simple syrup
  • 8-12 mint leaves

Put the mint leaves and simple syrup into the bottom of a cocktail shaker and gently muddle them with a muddler, wooden spoon, or similar. Add gin, lime juice, and ice. Shake vigorously until the outside of the shaker is uncomfortably cold, and then double-strain into a coupe glass. Garnish with additional mint leaves.

Manhattan

Another classic. I like this one as an after-dinner drink to wind down the evening; it also pairs excellently with steak! I really like how the spices in the Angostura bitters add a satisfying richness to this boozy drink.

Please note that your vermouth needs to be fresh – many people don’t know that vermouth goes bad after a few months, so they keep using the same old bottle and then wonder why their drinks taste terrible. Toss that old bottle and get a fresh one!

Ingredients:

Add bourbon/rye, vermouth, bitters, and ice to a mixing glass. Stir until cold. Strain into a glass of your choosing, and garnish with the cherry on a cocktail pick.

Negroni

This is a refreshing, summery drink often associated with Italy. I can imagine sitting in a piazza somewhere, sipping this during an animated conversation over burrata and cacio e pepe. Yum.

My partner and I have also experimented with subbing in fino sherry for the sweet vermouth, which gives the drink a slightly nuttier, drier flavor. It’s delicious both ways!

Ingredients:

  • 1 oz gin
  • 1 oz Campari
  • 1 oz sweet vermouth
  • A twist of orange peel

Stir or shake the gin, Campari, and vermouth over ice. Serve on the rocks. Squeeze the orange peel over the drink to express the citrus oils, and then run it around the edge of the glass to add extra aromatics before dropping it into the drink as a garnish.

London Calling

This one’s a bit more unusual than the others on this list… Once I went to Civil Liberties and asked the bartender, Nick, if he had any limoncello. He didn’t, but he told me he would make me something that tasted kind of like limoncello. He came back a few minutes later with a London Calling and I immediately fell in love. The bright, tart fruitiness of the lemon juice blends beautifully with the dryness and minerality of the sherry. It’s a refreshing drink with a backbone.

Ingredients (according to Nick’s recipe; opinions vary on this):

  • 1.75 oz gin
  • 1 oz fresh-squeezed lemon juice
  • 0.75 oz simple syrup
  • 0.75 oz fino sherry
  • 4 dashes orange bitters
  • A twist of citrus peel

Shake gin, lemon juice, simple syrup, and sherry in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a glass. Garnish with a twist of citrus peel (Nick suggests grapefruit).

What drinks are you enjoying lately?