Musings

The Internet: A Haven for Fetishists & Sex Nerds

Kate Sloan

This quote is about the universe, not the internet, but it feels like you could replace one word with the other and it would be just as true:

“In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

-Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

Was the internet a bad idea? Did it make every human impulse worse? Is it speeding us toward our doom, entwining us in a web of capitalism and fascism that we’ll never escape? I don’t know.

But what I do know is, the internet has allowed sexual weirdos to connect with other sexual weirdos around the world, and I think that’s a goddamn beautiful thing.

“What did you all do before the Internet?” I asked a woman in an online forum.

“The brave ones looked for personal ads,” she replied. “The rest of us were lonely.”

-Jillian Keenan writing about the spanking fetish community

I truly believe that sexual shame is an evil force, largely created to control the masses. And like many forms of evil, shame grows best in darkness. We are most prone to sexual shame when we are disconnected from other people, or when we feel unable to discuss our true sexuality with the people we are connected to.

In that way, the internet can be a wonderful balm for those of us who’ve grown up with secret kinks rattling around in the backs of our brains. If you’d had a foot fetish all your life, for instance, but had never heard anyone talk about feet IRL as anything other than a practical (or perhaps gross) body part, I can imagine it would feel deeply freeing to log on and discover foot fetish porn sites, foot fetish erotica, and articles with titles like “how to sell feet pics” and “how to give an erotic pedicure.” The whole world would open up to you, before your very eyes. And hopefully, as part of that process, some shame would lift, all because you found out that some other people feel the same way you do.

I didn’t grow up with fetishes per se, so this isn’t an experience I had – but on a related note, I’d been interested in sexuality on a nerdy level for as long as I’d known it existed, and it blew my mind to discover that there were other sex nerds on the internet. Even at a time when I barely felt comfortable admitting to my best friend that I masturbated, I could read sex forums and listen to sex podcasts, where (sometimes) level-headed adults would discuss such topics as “how to negotiate a threesome” or “how to be a good kisser” or, indeed, “where do fetishes come from?” It bolstered my nerdy little heart to know that I wasn’t the only freak reading encyclopedia entries about famous sadomasochists or scientific abstracts about clitoral bloodflow.

Obviously, with this personal history in mind, it’s troubling for me to see how the pendulum of sexual shame has, in many ways, swung back the other direction now. These days, the internet is just as likely to instill sexual shame as it is to alleviate it, what with all the zillions of social media posts and forum threads falsely asserting that queer and trans people are “groomers,” or that sex work is inherently degrading, or that having a consensual non-consent fantasy means you’re psychologically broken. It’s almost impossible to avoid developing sexual shame of some kind, in a world that’s still so hellbent on propagating sexual puritanism.

It’s hard to know what the solution is, or whether there even is one. I don’t think it’ll be possible to cure the world of sexual conservatism entirely, at least not in my lifetime. But in the meantime, I think it does a lot of good to build community with other sexual weirdos of various kinds, and to model sexual self-compassion. I’ve heard from many people that my public openness about my kinks helped them feel more comfortable with their own. It’s an honor to be what the empathy educator Kate Kenfield calls a “beacon of permission” for people to be themselves, and it’s also a huge responsibility I have to take seriously. My sexual shame or lack thereof is no longer just a personal issue; it can affect how others view their own sexuality, because I have a platform and some influence.

So, while the internet hasn’t turned out to be the shame-free sexual utopia I dreamed it might be when I first got online, I think there are pockets here and there that feel utopia-adjacent. It’s up to us to keep building the world we want to see.

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Vibrators Are For Everyone

Kate Sloan

How did vibrators develop a reputation as being “for women,” when in fact they can feel good for anyone, regardless of gender or genitals?

I think there are several answers to this question, but one of them is the fact that vulvovaginal orgasms are usually seen as more “complex” and “elusive” than penile orgasms. However, this is a misconception; people with vaginas reach orgasms less frequently and less reliably than people with penises because our culture frames penetrative intercourse as the main/best/only “real” sex act, and it’s a sex act that happens to stimulate the penis directly, while largely ignoring vulva-owners’ main sexual pleasure organ, the clitoris. (This is why, for instance, Kinsey found that women take an average of four minutes to reach orgasm during masturbation, and lesbian women orgasm more often than straight women.)

By their very nature, vibrators provide more intense sensations than any part of the human body can. So it makes sense that a lot of people with vulvas, now and in the past, turn to vibrators to get themselves off. The sex act we’re supposed to find most satisfying usually isn’t, and our partners may be unaware or indifferent to that fact – not to mention, many of us receive inadequate sex education which leaves out crucial information about sexual pleasure – so of course we often use mechanical tools to help us close the gap between our real sex lives and what we wish they were. There are many other reasons people use vibrators, of course, but I think this has been a big one historically, and it partly explains why vibrators are seen as being for vulvas primarily.

That being said, vibrators can feel good for anyone. They function by stimulating sensitive nerves, which we’ve all got plenty of. Vibrators have been shown to help with sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction and anorgasmia, too. To think of vibrators as being “only for women” (by which people usually mean “only for cis women,” sigh) is not only limiting, but also plainly false.

There are lots of benefits to using vibrators on penises, besides just “they feel good” (duh). This masturbation method can be physically easier to achieve than a traditional stroking motion, so it’s a good option for people with disabilities or chronic pain, or just people who feel like jerking off in a slightly lazier way sometimes (#relatable). Vibrators can also be enjoyable for many transfeminine folks, including those who experience genital dysphoria – several of the transfems I know are especially enamored with the Magic Wand and/or the Hot Octopuss Pulse. Vibrations also feel really different from any other type of stimulation, so if you’re ever bored of your masturbation routine or just feel like trying something new, they’re a great addition to your nightstand drawer.

As the partner of someone with a penis, I also really enjoy using vibes on them. It can be easier on my chronically sore hands than giving a handjob (or a blowjob, for that matter), and it allows me to snuggle up close to my partner and watch their reactions. I can utilize my many years of experience using vibrators on myself to inform my technique when using them on a partner, and the results are often explosive.

The clitoris (left) and penis (right), including the parts that are located inside the body. Image via Anatomy of Sex.

On that note, one of the things I like best about using vibrators on penises is that it really demonstrates how similar our genitals are to each other. Clits and dicks are formed from the same tissues in utero, and respond similarly to stimulation. While there are some toys which are specifically shaped to suit one or the other, many vibes can easily be used on all kinds of genitals, with wand vibrators being a prime example. I think this is heart-warming, in that it shows us we’re all more alike than we realize – but it’s also practical from an economic standpoint, in that you don’t have to buy multiple vibrators if you and your partner are able to share the same one (possibly even at the same time!).

When I took a 2-week break from vibrators recently, the main thing I noticed was that my orgasms without vibrators are much weaker than those with vibrators. Contrary to sex-negative discourse which claims that vibrators cheapen sex or make it less “real,” incorporating vibrators into my sex life has only ever improved its quality, and the intimacy I feel with my partner(s), because those earth-shattering vibrator orgasms make sex more fun for both of us. I wish that everyone who wants that magnitude of pleasure could experience it – and I think one way to help create that world is to further normalize the idea that anyone can use a vibrator. Yes, even you.

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at The Haus of Shag, who carry some of my all-time favorite vibrator brands, like Fun Factory, Magic Wand, and Dame. Feel free to check ’em out! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Body “Imperfections” Are Part of What Makes Sex Hot

Kate Sloan

Content note: body image, internalized fatphobia, etc.

 

When I was younger, I was often horribly self-conscious about how I looked during sex. I’m sure many of you can relate.

I was terrified of my belly or thighs looking “too chubby” during sex, and paranoid about certain angles emphasizing a double chin. I fretted about lighting, preferring to be seen as little as possible during the act. I shaved almost every part of my body, very carefully, before every date that I thought might end in sex – and if I later noticed a patch of hair I’d missed, I felt deeply embarrassed about it, like my sexual partner du jour would definitely have noticed this oversight and would have thus judged me as having failed at femininity.

I know a lot of people feel this way, especially women. Porn is often blamed for the high standards we hold ourselves to, but I think the entire media apparatus is really at fault here – from women’s magazines that rate celebrities’ “beach bodies,” to airbrushed and gorgeously-lit sex scenes in movies and TV. There’s a lot of messaging out there which seems to suggest that only conventionally attractive people deserve sex (a standard that often ends up being fatphobic, racist, transphobic, and ableist in its execution). It’s no wonder so many of us are nervous about being seen naked.

And sure, not all of us have Kardashian curves, a J. Lo butt, or Emma Hix feet, but it ultimately doesn’t matter, because imperfections are part of what make sex feel so exciting, so raw, so human.

I love tracing my fingers along a partner’s body and feeling their softness, moles, hairs. I love being able to kiss and compliment parts of a partner’s body that they’ve felt insecure or uncertain about. I love feeling someone relax when they truly absorb the idea that they are safe – that I’m not going to make some snide comment about their shape, or criticize their grooming habits, or walk out in disgust. And I also love when partners take the time to ensure that I, too, can relax in that way. Relaxation is really important for arousal – read Emily Nagoski’s excellent book Come As You Are for more on why stress is the ultimate libido-killer – so anything we can do to help each other chill out will make the ensuing sex much better for everyone involved.

 

I may not be able to erase all your insecurities in one fell swoop (trust me, I wish I could!), but I do want to offer some actionable advice for those of you who are often distracted and derailed by bad body image thoughts during sex. Here goes…

Ask for the reassurance you need. This is easier to do with established partners than new or one-off partners, but it can be really helpful either way. Try saying something like, “Hey, I’m feeling kind of self-conscious about my [belly/thighs/hips/etc.] today – can you give them a little extra love?” I have been lucky enough to have several partners who would take this kind of request as an opportunity to convey their desire for me both verbally and physically (e.g. by kissing the area[s] in question), which has really helped me.

Reflect on how you feel about your partner’s body (or how you have felt about past partners’ bodies). Odds are good you weren’t obsessively cataloguing and judging their every flaw. In fact, in many cases their so-called “flaws” may have been super hot to you. Well, other people may feel that way about your body, too!

Wear something you feel sexy in. There’s no rule that says you have to get naked whenever you have sex. There’s lots of hot lingerie and loungewear out there, for instance, that you can easily wear while fucking (although you may need to get creative in order to do so, like by pulling the gusset of your underwear to the side). In some cases this can be even hotter than being naked!

Consume different media if your current “media diet” contains a lot of conventionally perfect bodies, which, odds are, it does. Seek out porn and other sexy media from creators whose bodies look more like yours. Over time, this can shift the way you see your own body.

Seek therapy if you can. You deserve a life of wild, unabashed joy, in and out of the bedroom, and unpacking your body image issues with a professional might just be the way to achieve that. I know it’s helped me a lot.

 

Have you ever struggled with body insecurities during sex? How do you deal with it?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

5 of the Most Commonly Fetishized “Non-Sexual” Body Parts

Kate Sloan
Taken at the Gramercy Park Hotel in 2019

I find fetishes fascinating. It truly speaks to human ingenuity that we have found ways to get horny about all manner of things, from leather boots to mannequins to piss.

Some of the most commonly fetishized objects are body parts. While some features of human anatomy are so commonly fetishized as to escape the fetish label, such as breasts and butts, plenty of oft-lusted-after body parts are generally considered “non-sexual,” despite them carrying a sexual charge for many people.

I’ll refer to this study in choosing some body parts to tell you about in this post. Let’s get into it…

 

Feet

I mean, you probably knew this was gonna be the top item on this list. 47% of the fetishists in the study have a foot fetish; it’s often thought to be the most common “non-sexual” body part fetish.

Different people like feet for different reasons, ranging from the taboo of kissing and licking a “gross” or “dirty” body part, to the powerful imagery of kneeling to kiss a god(dess)’s feet. As for people who fetishize having their own feet touched in sexual ways, power play can be an element of that as well, as can the fact that the feet are just really damn sensitive.

Curious about this fetish? I go into it in more detail in my book 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, and you can also read more here on a different website.

 

Hair

7% of study respondents fetishized hair. This can refer to body hair as well as hair on the head. Folks with this fetish may enjoy looking at, touching, and/or licking hair. This makes sense to me, seeing as our society places a lot of importance on hair as a marker of beauty and identity.

There are lots of subdivisions within this kink – some people only fetishize particular types or colors of hair, for example (“blondes have more fun,” anyone?), while some fetishize specific hair-related actions, like someone getting a haircut or having their head shaved. This is how I initially discovered this fetish online: a friend of mine shaved her head in high school and fetishists started swarming the photos I posted on Flickr…

 

Bellies and belly buttons

3% of the study’s respondents said they were into the midriff and/or specifically the belly button. They might enjoy staring at bellies, touching them, humping them, or engaging in activities that allow for belly-to-belly contact, like wrestling, or sex in the missionary position.

I find it really interesting and, honestly, healing that many belly fetishists prefer chubby bellies. As someone who’s always been nervous about whether my stomach is “too big” (despite liking to have it kissed and complimented in the bedroom), it makes me happy that there are plenty of people out there who would like it because it’s not flat!

 

Legs

2% of respondents mentioned being into the legs and/or buttocks. It’s a little strange that the researchers grouped these two body parts together like this, since the butt is usually seen as a directly sexual body part and the legs are not, but I guess it makes sense because the two are so closely connected.

Historically, legs were fetishized a lot in the Victorian era because men would so rarely see a woman’s legs (or even her ankles) under those long skirts. I find it fascinating how cultural norms can have such a huge effect on what people find sexy, even though fetishes are often described by those who have them as feeling inborn and unchangeable.

 

Lips and/or teeth

2% of study respondents said they were into lips, teeth, or the mouth in general. This fetish goes beyond just enjoying oral sex and may involve fixating on specific lip shapes, long tongues, sharp teeth, or any number of other mouth-related features.

The mouth can obviously be a highly sexual zone for many of us, and is packed with nerve endings, so this makes a lot of sense to me. I wonder if mouth fetishists can ever have orgasms just from being kissed…

 

What anatomical fetishes do you find most interesting or intriguing?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

People With Penises Can Wear Strap-Ons Too!

Kate Sloan
Photo by (and of) my lovely partner, modeling a RodeoH harness with a Godemiche Ambit dildo

Today I come to you with an important public service announcement: people with vulvas aren’t the only ones who can wear strap-ons. People with penises can wear ‘em, too!

You might be thinking, “Why would someone want to strap on a fake dick when they already have a real one?” There are actually many answers to this question; here are just a few of them:

 

Variety’s sake

Your dick’s shape and size are great, but there are other shapes and sizes that can also feel good. For instance, I used to ask a particular boyfriend to strap on a dildo that was smaller than his actual cock so we could have anal sex more easily. The dildo also had a deeper curve than his dick, so it could stimulate my G-spot (through the anal-vaginal wall) more intensely than he could without it.

Some toys also offer a texture and/or hardness that your dick just doesn’t, such as glass dildos (of which there are indeed some that are harness-compatible). Strap-ons are fantastic for broadening the array of sensations you’re able to provide for your partner.

 

Stamina

Being able to last “long enough” is one of the primary sexual concerns of a lot of penis-havers, and it becomes almost a non-issue when you’re strapping on. (I say “almost” because it is possible to reach orgasm from fucking someone with a strap-on – but naturally, it’s more difficult and less common than getting off from regular ol’ penile stimulation.) You can basically fuck your partner for as long as you want – or as long as they want – without worrying that you’ll come too soon.

This can give you peace of mind, but it may also give your partner peace of mind. I’ve often worried I was taking “too long” to come during PIV, especially if my partner was noticeably staving off their orgasm – often with difficulty – so I could reach mine. But when they’re wearing a strap-on, I can take my time a bit more, and still experience the super-intense orgasms I have from getting fucked while providing my own clitoral stimulation with my fingers or a vibrator. My partner can even fuck me with a strap-on after they’ve already come, something that’s tough to do if (like most people) you’ve got a refractory period.

 

Erectile difficulties

If you struggle with inconsistent or nonexistent erections, using a strap-on can make a world of difference in your sexual confidence and capability. Strap-on sex gives you a lot of the same intimacy, closeness, and thrusting leverage as you get during standard PIV or anal sex, but you get to use a store-bought boner instead of worrying about conjuring your own. (This may be especially relevant for you if you’re unable to use medications like Viagra due to having medical contraindications or a lack of financial access to them.)

 

Focus

One complaint I’ve occasionally heard from partners is that they’d like to be able to pay more attention to my pleasure faces and noises, etc. during sex, but get somewhat distracted by their own pleasure, making this hard to do.

When you’re wearing a strap-on, you can more readily focus on what’s going on for your partner, which many people find ultra-hot. It also means that when it’s “your turn” to receive pleasure (e.g. via a post-strap-on-sex BJ), you can focus fully on that, instead of also worrying about whether you’re pleasing your partner enough at the same time.

 

Kink

Sometimes wearing a strap-on is just fucking hot! Maybe your fantasy is to dominate your partner by ploughing them with a huge dildo, or maybe you want to satisfy them with a strap-on while your real cock’s locked away in a chastity cage… There are about a zillion different kinky scenarios that could benefit from incorporating a strap-on.

A lot of kink is about power, and wearing a formidable cock that never gets soft can be quite powerful… as can “forcing” someone to fuck you with a strap-on, verbally humiliating them about it, etc. There’s so much psychosexual territory to explore!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.