Musings

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 9 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 36/52: “Red Lipstick”

Lyrics:

Red lips sink ships, and turn a lot of heads
They stare, but who cares? I like wearing reds
Trends say red may scare the average guy
So I pull out the bullet, and proudly reapply

Chorus:
Give me scarlet, russet, crimson, vermilion
Cherry, berry, carnelian, persimmon
Paint it on me, lay it on thick
Paint it on me, my red lipstick

Boys say they won’t kiss my ruby mouth
They don’t really get what it’s about
Boys say they don’t want to make a mess
But if they want me, they’d want me nonetheless

(repeat chorus)

I’ve got so many shades
For all different days
Some are matte, some are glossy
Some are soft, some are bossy
I’ve got pride, I’ve got power
I am bright like a flower
And if you don’t wanna kiss
Then I guess I’m done with this

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I wrote 90% of this song back in May, but set it aside (permanently, I thought) for two reasons. One was that I thought the chorus was too cloying, annoying, and repetitive. The other was that I’d set out to write a song about my love for red lipstick in general, and instead found myself writing about men’s reactions to red lipstick, which felt counter to what I was trying to do with the song.

However, over the months to come, this song kept coming back to haunt me, more than any other musical fragment I’d left behind. I realized that the traits I’d identified as “annoying” or “repetitive” in the chorus actually made it a bit of an earworm. I’ve never been very good at consistently writing “catchy” songs, and I think a huge part of that is how averse I am to being too repetitive (I think this comes from my parents lightly criticizing me for playing super-repetitive Regina Spektor songs on the piano all the time when I was a teen, lol). It was interesting that the very trait that’d worried me about the song was actually part of what made it great.

As for focusing too much on men’s reactions, I realized I could just lean into that aspect of the song and make it into a song that’s explicitly about men’s reactions to red lipstick, and my own reactions to those reactions. There’s no reason I need to write a magnum opus incorporating all my thoughts and feelings on red lipstick; I’ve referenced it in songs before and no doubt will again. Once I accepted that, I had no problem finishing the bridge and therefore finishing the song. Everything but the bridge is more-or-less unchanged from how I originally wrote it back in May.

Song 37/52: “Notice Me”

Lyrics:

I’ve got a poster of your face in my locker
And a collage of all your interviews
Everyone knows that you’re my favorite rocker
They’re always joking that I’m stalking you

I cut your girlfriend’s face out of a photo
And then I glued myself in perfectly
We’ve never met, and so I know that you don’t know
You’re gonna spend your fuckin’ life with me

I don’t mind waiting
I’ll follow you across state lines
To catch the show in Toledo
And see if I can finally make you mine

Chorus:
Notice me from the stage
Notice my lips, my hips, but not my age
And when the curtain falls and the show is through
Notice me, the way I notice you

Sure, there are boys who I could date with less trouble
They’re always laughing in the gym; they clog the halls
But they’re disasters made of swagger and stubble
They’ve got no class, they’ve got no charm at all

I don’t mind waiting
Until I’m 18, if I must
I’ll catch the show in Chicago
And on the Megabus, I’ll think of us

(repeat chorus)

The night gets dark
I watch the stars
No need to wonder where you are
Tonight it’s Milwaukee
Then off toward the Rockies
I’ll follow you far, I’ll follow you far

The night gets dark
I watch the stars
No need to wonder where you are
Tonight, Minnesota
And then South Dakota
I’ll follow you far, I’ll follow you far, so far

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

One day I walked down to the beach hoping to write some new lyrics, and on my way there, I thought about how much I like songs that start with a vocal line before any instrumentation comes in (the Beatles’ “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl” is an example), and how I hadn’t written a song like that in a while, so maybe I wanted to do that.

Once I found a seat at the beach, I pulled up a random word generator to get 3 words to inspire a song. The words this time were “substitute,” “object,” and “connection,” which made me think about parasocial relationships and how, when I was a teen (and even later), I’d often develop romantic obsessions with actors and musicians because it was easier and less vulnerable than pursuing someone I knew IRL.

I drafted these lyrics, and didn’t decide until about halfway through that it was going to be a song about a girl stalking her celeb crush. When the line about “the show in Toledo” came to me, it seemed right to mention other locations later on in the song, and her stalking him seemed like the most compelling way to do that.

Researching American geography was the most time-consuming part of this songwriting process; I had to figure out a route that made sense but that also included names of regions or cities that rhymed with each other. But it was a fun challenge, and I figured it out eventually!

Song 38/52: “I Could Not Write a Song This Week”

Lyrics:

I could not write a song this week
I could not rhyme, I could not think
I tried and tried to eke one out
But I was overcome with doubt

I could not write a song this week
I could not sing, I could not speak
But that’s just how it goes sometimes
And so I wrote these goofy lines

Some say that writer’s block doesn’t exist; it’s a hoax
And some say it’s par for the course for all creative folks
Whatever the answer, I know a block when I feel one
I’m writing and writing, and nothing I’m writing feels done

I could not write a song this week
My inspiration’s looking bleak
I barely leave the house, then I
Feel stuck, and then I wonder why

I could not write a song this week
I’m wondering if I’ve hit my peak
Should I cut myself some slack
Or just admit that I’m a hack?

Perfectionists find it depressing to make art that sucks
And sometimes I wish that I gave a bit less of a fuck
‘Cause judging my output is pointless – the point’s to have fun
The songs never have to be good; they just have to get done

I guess I wrote a song this week

 

Songwriting diary:

I was verrrrry writer’s-blocked this week, in part because I had less time than usual to finish my song because I was leaving on a trip to New York on Friday and wanted to finish it before that. I worked on 2-3 other song ideas but none of them were really coming together.

While scrolling back through my folder of song ideas, I stumbled across the first stanza of these lyrics, which I had written several months previous. I’d tucked this idea away, thinking it would be a good failsafe someday if I was ever feeling uninspired – which was exactly what ended up happening. I built from that initial starting point and it was much easier than trying to come up with something wholly new.

It was actually really cathartic to write this song and I feel good about how it came out. It was a useful reminder that sometimes songwriting is more craft than art, in the sense that having a structured songwriting process can help you crank one out even if you feel you have nothing new to say.

Song 39/52: “Existentialist”

Lyrics:

Do you feel the dread
Seeping through the cracks?
Do you read the news?
Do you know the facts?

They say the world is ending soon
Do you know what you will do
When the smoke fills the sky
And we have to wonder why?

Chorus:
What’s the point? What is this?
Quick, we need an existentialist
Where’s the joy? Where’s the bliss?
Please, we need an existentialist
To get us through this

I read a lot in school
On nihilistic angst
When other kids were cursing fate
I was giving thanks

But I still don’t know just what to do
When the world is ending soon
Do we hide and count the days?
Or do we stride into the blaze?

(repeat chorus)

Jean-Paul Sartre, Kierkegaard
Back then, you were avant-garde
Dostoevsky, Friedrich Nietzsche
Now we’d really love to meet ya
Heidegger and de Beauvoir
How I wonder where you are
Lewis Gordon, Al Camus
There’s so much we can learn from you

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I was feeling uninspired so I returned to my old friend, the random word generator. One of the supplied words was “philosophy,” a subject I studied pretty extensively in high school and university, so I started wracking my brain for philosophical ideas I wanted to explore in a song. Existentialism has always been my favorite area of philosophy, and I’ve found the existentialist paradigm particularly useful and comforting as our world has descended further and further into fascism, chaos and the climate crisis over the past several years.

I started improvising vocals over chords and sang the lines, “It’s at times such as this/ that I think of the existentialists/ and how they taught us to/ see the power in everything we do.” Eventually I figured out a chord progression that felt suitable and built that initial lyrical idea into something more finessed.

The song was originally much more slow and sad-sounding, but once I’d written it, I felt it made more sense to speed it up and give it more of an unnerved, almost angry feeling. From start to finish, the whole song took about half an hour to write.

Song 40/52: “Tinder”

Lyrics:

Why is every girl on Tinder beautiful?
How do they do eyeliner so flawlessly?
How come all their open hearts are bruised and full?
Profiles packed with doubting and apologies

Chorus:
The world’s not fair
You can see it in this app – it’s all right there
All the pain and all the people who don’t care
If they make you smile or make you come or cry
All I do is swipe and wonder why

Why is every guy on Tinder at the gym?
Or fishing up a trout down at the dock?
Guess I’d rather that than to see more of him
Please don’t send me pictures of your… oh, fuck

(repeat chorus)

Don’t say “hey u up?”
Never just say “sup”
It’s impersonal, so why don’t
You just read my fucking bio?
Don’t destroy the mood before we’ve built it up

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I had written the first and second verses of these lyrics several months ago, and found them while I was desperately trawling my music notes folder for something I could salvage into a song. I started singing those lyrics on top of a basic chord progression and then, as sometimes happens, started hearing the next section (the chorus) in my head, as if I was listening to a song rather than writing one. Then I had to write lyrics to fit into the melody and rhythm I was hearing. The bridge was written in the same way.

One of the songwriting books I read this year said that if something was invented within the past ten years, you shouldn’t mention it in a song, because there’s a strong chance it’ll make the song sound dated after not too long. Tinder has been around for just over ten years so I think I’m good 😅 To be honest, I’ve barely used it since I started dating my now-spouse in late 2017, but whenever I check back in on what’s going on over there, I notice similar patterns to how things were when I was a much more frequent Tinder user.

The hardest part of writing this song was figuring out what to say after “Please don’t send me pictures of your…” Some other options I considered were “pet rock,” “Starbucks,” “mohawk,” “dirty sock,” and “Glock.”

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 8 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 32/52: “Amicably”

Lyrics:

I hope your summer brings some sun
And that you spend it with someone
And I hope that when you’re sad
You’ll think of what we had
And say “At least we had some fun”

I hope the drive isn’t too long
I hope your coffee’s nice and strong
And I hope that when you go
You’ll blast the radio
I hope they play your favorite song

Chorus:
I’m gonna miss you
Not gonna kiss you goodbye
I’m gonna cry soon
It feels like somebody died
Because I loved you
And I still remember why

I hope your new place feels like home
And that you won’t be too alone
And if times are getting tough
And your friends are not enough
I’ll always answer when you phone

And now, we head our separate ways
And set our sights on brighter days
But I never will forget
That feeling when we met
And how you set my life ablaze

(repeat chorus)

It was the right thing to do
I think we both know that’s true
You couldn’t just stay

It was the right way to go
Because we both gotta grow
And go our own way
But let me just say:

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I was improvising various different lyrical/melodic lines over a simple chord progression, and sang the first two lines of this – “I hope your summer brings some sun/ And that you spend it with someone” – and then built the rest from there. It was one of those magical woo-woo songwriting experiences where it seemed like I was hearing the song clearly in my head and just writing down what I heard.

I have a few friends who’ve recently gone through breakups that were amicable but painful, and I’ve found it inspiring to listen to their stories of letting go of old resentments and arguments and just being happy and hopeful for each other as they both head off into the sunset. That type of breakup has been extremely rare in my life (mine have historically been, for the most part, extremely one-sided and very painful) so it was interesting to inhabit that brainspace for a bit while writing this song.

I think this is the fifth song I’ve written about exes in this challenge… My exes just really haunt my brain. Not in the sense of yearning for them or thinking about them constantly, but more in the sense of: our shared history is always informing my decisions on some level, however indirectly, and I refer back to each of them as mental touchstones in the way I conceptualize my life story, whether in writing or just in my head. So it makes sense that I’m referring to them and considering them in a lot of songs.

Song 33/52: “Nobody Likes Me”

Lyrics:

I wish I’d made a few more friends back in college
It was too hard with all my doubt and anxiety
Instead, I filled my little head with lots of knowledge
And kept it down if anybody talked to me

I didn’t wanna be alone
I didn’t wanna spend my nights at home
I didn’t wanna be that girl
Who stays inside and never sees the world

Chorus:
How do I shake off the feeling that nobody likes me?
How do I go to the party when no one invites me?
How do I banish all the shyness from my mind?
How do I learn that other people can be kind?
But hey, I’m doing fine

My classmates tried to make new friends, oh so sweetly
And I did too, but I was nervous, and it showed
I never let nobody in, not completely
‘Cause then they’d see that I’m a fraud and then they’d go

I didn’t wanna scare them away
I didn’t wanna hear what they might say
I didn’t wanna be so meek
That no one in my class had heard me speak

(repeat chorus)

Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending
I think I’ve finally found the key
Because at last, I stopped pretending
And I went to therapy

I investigated all the shit that makes me wanna hide
And divested from the stresses that were festering inside
Now I’m happier and healthier and I’ve got friends
I hope that’s how your story ends

How do I shake off the feeling that nobody likes me?
How do I get down to healing my jumbled-up psyche?
How do I banish all the shyness from my mind?
How do I learn that other people can be kind?
But hey, I’m doing fine
Hey, I’m doing fine

 

Songwriting diary:

As I’ve done a few times before in this challenge, I used a random word generator to pick 3 words to inspire a song, and the words it gave me this time were “form,” “college,” and “shallow.” I didn’t end up incorporating either of the other words, but “college” got me thinking about how much I struggled socially and mental health-wise during my time at university. I already have a song that I wrote about anxiety while I was in the thick of it, but hadn’t really written one that looked back at that time in my life from a further-removed vantage point.

The second line of the chorus (“How do I go to the party when no one invites me?”) went through more rewrites than any single line of lyrics in this entire challenge thus far. I had trapped myself by wanting it to rhyme in 3 different places with the preceding line (originally the two lines went, “How do I shake off the feeling that nobody likes me?/ How do I wake up from dreaming that everyone fights me?”) and then I talked to my friend Brent about it and decided to let go of the need for it to be packed with internal rhymes. I’m not Sondheim and that’s okay!

Song 34/52: “The Lube Song”

Lyrics:

Chorus:
Lube, lube, glorious lube
The special sauce of sex
When you’re in the mood
Or when you’re not, it can get you wet

Let’s talk about water-based
It’s available almost any place
It’s compatible with toys and condoms too
So you can do whatever you wanna do

The trouble is, it’ll dry up fast
But add some water and it’ll last
It can cost less than ten bucks a tube
And that’s water-based lube

(repeat chorus)

Let’s talk about silicone
It’s smooth as silk and it makes ’em moan
But silicone toys can be damaged by
This kind of lube; ask a scientist why

It’ll last and last, but it’ll stain your sheets
And just make sure it doesn’t leak
If you spill it, you’re fucked, and you have to move
And that’s silicone lube

(repeat chorus)

There’s one more type of lube I forgot to mention
I don’t have many in my collection
Oil-based lube is a great invention
But watch out – it can cause infection

It’s fine for dicks in most cases
But not for more internal places
Your gynecologist might disapprove
And that’s oil-based lube

(repeat chorus)

Lube, lube, glorious lube
So many kinds to explore
When you’re in the mood
Or when you’re not, you can still use more

 

Songwriting diary:

I walked down to the beach with my notebook and pen, and sat down to write some lyrics. I hadn’t pre-chosen a topic, but for some reason, after a few minutes of staring blankly into space pondering different ideas, the words “Lube, glorious lube” jumped into my head and I was off to the races.

As I wrote the rest of the lyrics, a bunch of children gathered very close by as their parents snapped a bunch of summery group shots. I have no idea why they chose that location, as I was no doubt photobombing them and they could’ve moved a few feet in either direction and been fine. But now, somewhere, there’s a series of family photos in which a sunglasses-clad stranger in the background is hunched over a notebook writing lewd lyrics about lubricant.

I had a lot of trouble accepting this as a “real song” even once I came home and put it to music. Jokey songs are not really my forte, and I also often feel guilty about “taking the easy route” when I write a song that’s this structurally simple. But I’ve received more positive feedback on this song than for practically any other in this challenge (which probably has a lot to do with my pre-existing sex-positive audience) so I should be gentler with myself about lighthearted songs like this one in the future.

Song 35/52: “Stay”

(Content note: this song deals with themes of depression and suicide)

Lyrics:

The depression’s pressin’ down on you
It can do whatever it wants to
Now you’re stressin’, dressin’ for the day
Wondering: what’s the point anyway?

I wanna hype you up
But I’m worried I’m not too tough
I wanna be your savior
But then I need to be braver

Chorus:
Maybe I’m not really a friend at all
If I can’t stop you and you end it all
Maybe I’m not as good as I say
If I can’t stop you and you go away
Hey hey, hey hey, I really want you to stay
Hey hey, hey hey, I know it’s harder to do than it is to say

When the news is lookin’ especially bleak
And you’ve had a really shitty week
Can I see you and feed you dinner, please
Or whatever else you’re gonna need?

I wanna keep you here
But the path is not too clear
How can I help you through
When I’m struggling just like you?

(repeat chorus)

Hey hey, hey hey, I really want you to stay
Hey hey, hey hey, I just want you to be okay

 

Songwriting diary:

I woke up in a panic one morning after having a really scary dream where a friend of mine was feeling suicidal and I actually heard him going through with it in another room. After checking the friend’s Twitter to make sure he was actually doing fine (and getting some nice hugs from my spouse, who was staying with me at the time and is very used to comforting me after anxiety dreams, which I have a lot), I took out my journal and wrote the lyrics to this song.

My partner got up to take a shower and I grabbed my phone to make some quick recordings of the melody I heard in my head. It was then that I improvised the “Hey hey, hey hey/ I really want you to stay…” part of the song, which ended up becoming key to its overall structure.

When I sat down at an instrument a few hours later to figure out the chords, I realized that in my head, the song really only had one chord. This is extremely unusual for me and I wondered if I should scrap the whole song because it was too simple. But then I remembered reading in various songwriting books earlier this year that one-chord songs are valid and not even uncommon in the worlds of pop, rock, and blues. So I put together an arrangement in Garageband to spice it up a bit, and I like how it came out!

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 7 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 28/52: “I Should’ve Asked”

Lyrics:

Shirtless and worthless, I wipe off my mouth
And wonder what all of that work was about
I put on my clothes and head for the door
The head’s where your head’s at; you’re ready for more

But I don’t know why I did that
Or how I can give when you never give back
They say that a slut has no self-respect
But when I look back, I have just one regret:

I should’ve asked for what I needed
I should’ve drawn a line in the sand
And who knows if you would have succeeded
With your lips or your tongue or your hand
We can’t rewind time, can’t redo the past
But if I could go back, I know what I’d ask
I should’ve asked for what I needed
But maybe you’d never come back

Why are you trying to see me again?
I was excited, but that was back then
I thought our chemistry fizzled mid-date
You thought the evening went totally great

And I don’t know why I did that
A perfect performance – fake moans and fake laughs
They say that a slut sets the bar way too low
My bar is in hell now, and here’s how I know:

I should’ve asked for what I needed
I should’ve said, “Could I get a little help?”
I could’ve begged and I could’ve pleaded
But I want you to want it yourself
We can’t rewind time, can’t redo the past
But if I could go back, I know what I’d ask
I should’ve asked for what I needed
I’ve gotta get braver and fast

But what if you froze and then wrinkled your nose
And said, “How dare you think you deserve that?!”
What if you balked and were visibly shocked
Or just said, “No, I wouldn’t prefer that”?
Sure, it’ll be scary, and I should be wary
Of pressing how I have been pressed
But if you’re a giver, then you might consider
And maybe you’ll even say yes

You’ll say:
I’m glad you asked for what you needed
I’m glad you drew your line in the sand
And I’m glad that I clearly succeeded
With my mouth and my strap and my hand
You can’t rewind time, can’t go back where you’re from
But thank you for letting me make you come
I’m glad you asked for what you needed
It’s fun when we both have more fun

 

Songwriting diary:

The writing process for this was magical. One day I slathered on some sunscreen, walked down to the beach, staked out a lounge chair and took out my notebook to write some lyrics. I was staring out at the lake for a few minutes, trying to decide what I wanted to write about, my mind totally blank. But then this line seemed to appear in my head fully-formed: “Shirtless and worthless, I wipe off my mouth.” I wrote that down and then started pondering (as I often do when a seemingly random lyrical line comes to me) who would say this line and why. And the answer, it was quite clear to me, was “me, in my early twenties, after one of many unsatisfying Tinder hookups.”

I think those memories were already floating in the periphery of my consciousness that day because 1) my therapy session from the week before had largely been about my issues with sexual assertiveness, and 2) I had recently seen the Pulitzer Prize-winning musical A Strange Loop on Broadway and there’s a song in that where our hero says, after a disappointing and scary hookup with dubious consent, “Why did I do that?/ What did that do for me?/ What a performance/ Where are my boundaries?” I cried a lot when I heard those lines because they resonated so strongly for me.

I wrote the entire lyric of this song at the beach, and made a windswept little recording on my phone where seagulls chirped in the background as I sang the melody I heard in my head for the chorus. Then I packed up, walked home, sat down at my piano and started trying to figure out all the chords I was hearing and nail down the melodies.

The line “Why are you trying to see me again?” was originally followed up with “This always happens with desperate men,” but ultimately I decided that was unnecessarily mean and not really what I was trying to say there. The first and last choruses originally said that my paramour could please me with “your mouth or your toy or your hand,” but that kept landing weird for me so I changed it; it was my spouse who suggested “strap” for that line in the last chorus because of its dual meaning (strap-on/spanking strap).

The last line felt important to get right. I tried a few different options: “I hope that you’re not one-and-done,” “I hope that you don’t think we’re done,” “Next time let’s do it again.” But the option that felt the closest to what I wanted to say was what I went with: “It’s fun when we both have more fun.”

Song 29/52: “Celia”

Lyrics:

Celia says that she’s tired of waiting
For me to come out and let go
I wish we could tell the whole world that we’re dating
I’m not sure I want them to know

Celia says that she knows why I’m nervous
Celia’s fearless and good
Celia’s living with power and purpose
Just like I wish that I could

Every time I think I can do it
Something whispers “Why even try?”
I swear I never mean to put her through it
But if you ever see her cry
I’m the reason why

Celia says that the times are a-changin’
And soon we’ll have rights like the rest
While they’re out rioting, I am arranging
The roses and pens on my desk

Celia says that there’s nothing to live for
If we don’t live life like we like
Celia’s dragging her bag out the back door
Celia’s leaving tonight

And even as I wish I could stop her
Something whispers “Why even try?”
I got a lot of shots, but I lost her
And if you ever see her cry
I’m the reason why

Celia’s having adventures without me
She should’ve been my wife
Guess that she’s probably not thinking about me
Celia’s gone from my life

And even though I say I don’t miss her
The truth is that I’m barely getting by
And every day I wish that I could kiss her
So if you ever see me cry
Or see her with some guy
I’m the reason why
Tell her I said bye

 

Songwriting diary:

I recently read the wonderful novel The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid, and this song was directly inspired by some of what happens in that novel. I won’t say more, lest I give too many spoilers!

I literally don’t even remember the writing process of this because it flowed out of me while I was in a trance-like flow state, as sometimes happens. But I had fun putting together the R&B-inspired musical arrangement for it, which allowed the song to make way more sense sonically than it did when it was just me and a ukulele.

Song 30/52: “Mr. Mean”

Lyrics:

Each day at work, I sit and pray
That when I get back home today
I won’t be face-to-face with Mr. Mean

Thought I knew the real you
And now I don’t know what to do
When did you turn into Mr. Mean?

You love me when I’m needy
You love me when I shrink
You hate when I get angry
Or when I dare to think
Your rage is like a fire, and I guess I’m gasoline
It feels like it’s my fault you’re Mr. Mean

I used to count the hours until
I’d see your face, and now I still
Watch the clock and wait for Mr. Mean

You lured me in and got me hooked
There was a lot I overlooked
Until I was in bed with Mr. Mean

You used to love my body, used to kiss every freckle
I’m waking up with Hyde when I went to bed with Jekyll
You need to clean your act up, Mr. Mean

You love me when I’m tragic
You love me when I’m weak
You hate when I get angry
Or when I dare to speak
I’m not your little dolly and I’m not your troubled teen
And now I think I’m done with Mr. Mean

I’m off to find another who will treat me like a queen
And now I’m finally done with Mr. Mean

 

Songwriting diary:

I pulled some tarot cards to inspire a song, and they were the Five of Wands and the Two of Cups. This is quite a striking duality because the Five of Wands is all about conflict and disagreement, while the Two of Cups is about love and partnership. It immediately reminded me of the Betti song “Ordinary,” one of my favorite songs, which is about a tumultuous relationship between partners who are constantly arguing. I decided I wanted to write something on the same theme, in a similar style (“Ordinary” sounds like a classic midcentury jazz-lounge standard, the likes of which someone like Ella Fitzgerald or Billie Holiday might have sung).

I sat at my desk and just sort of quieted my mind and listened for anything that was coming up and might work well in a song. The words “Mr. Mean” came to me. This was especially strange because I hadn’t even seen those Mr./Miss/Mx. memes that started to go around shortly thereafter (although I did read some of those books as a kid, so maybe they were in there somewhere).

I wrote a complete lyric for the song, without playing an instrument, and then tried to take the melody I was hearing in my head and translate it to chords that could be played underneath it. It took a few rounds of lyrical and melodic edits to get the song done and it turned out exactly how I was hoping it would!

Song 31/52: “Hasn’t Happened Yet”

Lyrics:

Love is hard – yes, this I know
All my friends think I’m too slow
But what they forget
Is: it just hasn’t happened yet

Love’s a hidden pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow
And I could make the trek
But it just hasn’t happened yet

I’m not exaggerating
It’s been devastating
When everybody’s dating
And I’m still here, just waiting and waiting

Love can’t really be that great
If it makes me wait and wait
And I’m a bit perplexed
That it hasn’t happened yet

Love is really overhyped
Sorry, but you know I’m right
And I’m not that upset
That it hasn’t happened yet

Why am I still debating
When I should be mating?
It’s so frustrating
That I’m still here, just waiting and waiting

Am I right or am I wrong
That someday love will come along?
On the world wide internet
Or on a mountain in Tibet
Or on a private jumbo jet
It just hasn’t happened yet

 

Songwriting diary:

This was another one inspired by tarot cards. I pulled the Nine of Pentacles and the Ace of Cups. The former is about abundance, living in luxury and self-sufficiency, while the latter is about (among other things) new love. Those two ideas paired together made me think about what it would mean to be abundant in love – i.e. to finally be in the exact sort of happy, fulfilling relationship you’d always dreamed of – and then also what it would mean to be the opposite, to be bereft of love or to have never even experienced it.

I wrote a full set of lyrics which was pretty close to what ended up being the final ones – there were just a few tweaks. I made a recording of the melody I heard in my head to accompany those words, but the melody I ended up with was totally different than that first one I’d tried out. I’m always listening to and reading interviews with various different songwriters these days to inspire me, and a theme that’s come up in a lot of them lately is: don’t necessarily go with the first melody that comes to you. Try a few things out first. So I did, and found something that worked a lot better.

10 Myths People Mistakenly Believe About Sex Toy Reviewers

Kate Sloan
Pictured, from L to R: the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon, Tantus Tsunami and VixSkin Mustang

I’ve been doing this sex toy reviewer thing for a long time – over a decade, in fact – and there are a handful of myths about my line of work that I run into again and again. Let’s bust ’em, baby.

  1. We “masturbate for a living.” Look, I completely understand why so many people react to hearing about my job in a way that boils down to “Must be nice!” My career, indeed, involves an activity I love (writing), focused on subject matter I’m passionate about (sex). I’m extremely privileged to have a job I enjoy and can physically do, despite the chronic illnesses I live with. But I promise you, I only spend about 2% of my working hours actually masturbating, if that – and it isn’t “normal” masturbation because it’s for work, not for pleasure. I have to pay attention, take notes, compare different toys to each other, etc. rather than just being able to enjoy myself, and often end up ruining my own orgasms in the process. It’s a fun job in many ways, yes, but probably not in the ways you’d think!
  2. Sex toy reviewing takes no skill. Uh, nope. Most people can hold a vibrator on their bits or insert a dildo into their body; most people cannot summarize and analyze the cultural context of that toy, compare it usefully to several others in its category, write a compelling and well-crafted review, take photos to go with it, pre-emptively answer questions that consumers will wonder about, promote reviews effectively on social media, implement SEO, keep up with industry trends, and so on and so forth. As with media workers in any specialized “beat,” sex toy reviewers tend to develop their own skillset and style. To devalue that is to misunderstand the work and what goes into it.
  3. We are sluts who are always DTF. Oh, certainly some of us are. I have been at certain times in my life. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a slut. But don’t assume someone’s personality and entire life revolve around sex just because their career does. And certainly don’t assume you’ll have an easier time getting laid if you’re on a date with a sexual media-maker than with anybody else. I often feel pressured to live up to the “manic sexy dream girl” fantasy some people seem to have about me, and it sucks.
  4. We prefer using toys over having sex with human beings. There’s nothing wrong with people who do feel this way, but it’s reductive to assume someone will feel this way because their work focuses on sex toys. And, as ever, I must remind you: sex toys and human partners are not mutually exclusive. The two can and do coexist in sexual encounters. Most of my best sex ever has involved toys.
  5. We can’t find sexual partners because they’re too intimidated by what they do. I have to laugh and call bullshit on this one. Many of my sex toy reviewer friends are in high demand in their sex/dating lives, sometimes partly because of what they do, not just in spite of it. As for reviewers for whom that’s not the case, it’s worth noting that it doesn’t even fucking matter. The number of sexual partners you attract or pursue has nothing to do with your intrinsic value as a human being, or the quality of the work that you do. And if someone would judge you for something as innocuous as reviewing sex toys, IMO they’re not worth dating or fucking anyway.
  6. We’re also sex workers. Some of us are (kudos to those folks!), and I have dabbled in sex work myself and usually enjoyed it. But it’s strange to assume that someone writing about sex toys automatically means they’ll sell you nudes or a cam show, or that you’ll be able to meet up with them for sex, paid or unpaid.
  7. We sell sex toys. It continues to surprise me how often I get emails and DMs from people who think that I run a sex toy store, or who want me to supply them with wholesale sex toys to sell at their shop. I do not do this and have never done this, but there are plenty of great stores and distributors out there that do sell toys (including wholesale adult toys) if that’s what you’re after!
  8. Sex toy reviewing can only ever be a hobby. To be clear, there are a ton of people for whom sex toy reviewing is a hobby or a side gig, and that’s absolutely valid! But in my case, it actually is the vast majority of the work that I do, and brings in the vast majority of my income – so it’s funny and sometimes a bit insulting when people say stuff like, “Oh, fun! What’s your actual job, though?”
  9. We owe you details about our personal life. I get that when someone shares intimate details about themselves, it can be surprising that they’d choose to be private and guarded in other areas of their life. But one thing sex toy reviewing has taught me is that I can be selectively open. Good boundary-setting is an important part of the job, I think.
  10. We’ll regret it. I do know people who have regretted reviewing sex toys, often because they incurred harassment online, offline, or both, from people who thought that this work was worthy of denigration or evidence of some kind of moral failing. But a lot of sex toy reviewers use pseudonyms precisely so that they can do this work without (as much) fear of it coming back to bite them in the ass. I did that myself for several years, fearing repercussions if future employers stumbled across what I’d been writing – but then I realized that this was what I was meant to do, full-time, so I came out publicly about my name and identity and have never once regretted it.

What myths have you heard about sex toy reviewers?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 6 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 23/52: “Doll”

Lyrics:

She doesn’t know I’m in here
She doesn’t have a clue
She gets to be your girlfriend
I get to be with you

I hide out in the closet
It’s nice and dark inside
She gets to cook you dinner
I get to keep you satisfied

When the door locks
And your pants drop
And you feel like messin’ around
I’m a good girl
With my mouth full
So I can’t make a sound

Chorus:
I wanna be your sex-shop treasure
I wanna be your secret pleasure
I wanna be your perfect plaything
So you will think I’m so amazing
And though I’m so alone without you
At least I get to think about you
I wanna be convenient, sweet and small
I wanna be your doll
Your doll, doll, doll

It’s nice to know my purpose
It’s nice to have a home
You always make me nervous
I always make you moan

If this is Stockholm syndrome
I can’t say that I care
You like it when I lie here
I like it when you pull my hair

When the mood strikes
And the vibe’s right
And you feel like messin’ around
When the night falls
I’m a good doll
Who never makes a sound

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

A friend of mine mentioned he was keeping his sex doll in a closet, and I found that idea weirdly haunting. For a while I had a note in my folder of music ideas that just said, “From the perspective of a sex doll hidden in the closet: She doesn’t know I’m in here…”

I was messing around with that idea and came up with a piano part that reminded me of the Dresden Dolls’ song “Coin-Operated Boy,” which is thematically similar. For a few days I only had the verses and prechoruses, and didn’t know how (or whether) I wanted to finish the song. But then a chorus melody came to me, and I made a recording of myself da-da-da-ing it. I was out walking around doing some errands and kept listening to these two recordings back-to-back, pondering what I wanted to say as the sex doll.

Ultimately the lyrics I came up with for the chorus are very reminiscent of times in my life when I’ve felt used, discarded, and ignored by men I was seeing, or wanted to be seeing. Maybe this is why I was so drawn to that image of the sex doll waiting around in the closet to be used – it reminded me of how it had felt to wait by the phone for a text that would never come, or that would be a booty-call text instead of an I-love-you text.

Song 24/52: “Difficult Woman”

Lyrics:

They call me a difficult woman
‘Cause I’m always late to the set
They chide me for needing reminders of lines
I admit I am prone to forget

I wait every day in my trailer
It gives me time to think
And I’m not a child, so once in a while
I speed up the wait with a drink

Chorus:
I’m not perfect; neither are you
I’ll never be perfect the way they say they want me to

They call me a difficult woman
That rumor was spread by my ex
I helped the director get ever erecter
I shouldn’t mix business with sex

I’m worried my name’s on a blacklist
And that’s why the cameramen stare
But it could be the tits, the charisma and wit
Or it could be my famous blonde hair

(repeat chorus)

They call me a difficult woman
I swear they don’t care if I die
If not for my name and my face and my fame
I doubt that I’d still be alive

I take every pill they prescribe me
I never miss even one dose
And I’ve never taken too many to waken
But honestly, I have come close

(repeat chorus)

I don’t care what secrets they spread
They’ll never defeat me – I’ll never let them kill me dead

 

Songwriting diary:

I’d been watching a bunch of songwriting challenges on YouTube where someone would use a random word generator to come up with 3-5 words that they would then have to incorporate into a song. One of the times that I did this, the words I got were “me,” “difficult,” and “woman,” which was immediately very evocative to me. I wrote down the line, “They call me a difficult woman,” and then started pondering what type of person/character would say that line and why.

It seemed clear to me pretty quickly that this had to be a song about Marilyn Monroe. I was thinking about how she would often forget her lines while filming Some Like It Hot, show up late to the set, and thereby incur the rage of her male director and co-stars. Her mistakes, it seemed, were always blamed on her and her alone, even though she was struggling with a drug addiction, a painful chronic illness, a history of sexual abuse, and widespread mistreatment by the media and by people in her own industry.

As I wrote the rest of the lyrics, I also started thinking about Judy Garland, who (like many other actors of her time period) was given amphetamines and barbiturates by people at the movie studio she worked for, leading to lifelong struggles with addiction, which were (of course) frequently blamed on Garland herself.

This was such an interesting songwriting process to me because I don’t know that I would have ever sat down and thought, “I’m going to write a song about the injustices faced by midcentury Hollywood starlets” – but the constraints provided by the random word generator inspired me to do exactly that.

Song 25/52: “The One”

Lyrics:

Isn’t it romantic? Isn’t it so sweet
That I could fall in love with anyone I meet?
But you’re the one I stay with; you’re the real thing
The one who I come home to; the one who wears my ring

I’ve been in love with other folks
But none of them got all my jokes
So I’ve been looking for the love
I know that I’ve been dreaming of

Chorus:
You’re the one
The one I need, the one I want, the one
Who keeps me safe and warm, just like the sun
And every day, I’m glad for all you’ve done
You’re the one

I know it’s idealistic, and soulmates aren’t real
But every time I kiss you, that’s just the way I feel
It sparkles like a firework, it’s catchy like a song
Your arms are like my armor; your bed’s where I belong

I know we both have been through hell
At first, it scared me when I fell
Love was work, and now it’s play
And all those memories melt away

(repeat chorus)

I know we’re not invincible
We’ve got a lot to learn
But we’re up to the task
And I think we can last
Even though I know we’ve both been burned

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

I don’t even know what to write about this one because it mostly just flowed out of me improvisationally! The first verse was inspired by a polyamory-related idea I was thinking about, which I think I first read in Dr. Liz Powell’s book Building Open Relationships: that one of the beautiful things about non-monogamy is that your partner stays with you not because they’d be lonely without you but because they actively choose to be with you specifically.

I worked on the second verse and the bridge over the days after I wrote the first verse and chorus, and did some lyric-editing after it was all done, but musically I don’t really know how this came to me because it just… did. Songwriting is weird like that sometimes.

Anyway, it’s a song about my spouse, who is the love of my life and the person who made all my many years of dating misadventures seem worthwhile just to have met them eventually. When my friend Bex interviewed me about songwriting on our podcast The Dildorks recently, he asked me if there were any subjects I wanted to explore more through my songs that I hadn’t yet, and I said that I’d always struggled to write happy songs about being in love with Matt because our relationship has always just been… really good, and loving, and open, and comfortable. Even when we have conflicts or issues, they’re approached in a way that is loving and compassionate. This song was my attempt to write an uncomplicatedly romantic song about my love, and while I certainly don’t think it’s my best work, I like how it came out.

Song 26/52: “Dear Professor”

Lyrics:

Dear professor, I confess you’re often on my mind
When you lecture and you gesture with those forearms so defined
It’s hard to focus, hard to notice anyone but you
But I obey and get an “A” because you want me to

Your red pen hurts like a slap
I’d love to sit upon your lap
But I don’t like to break the rules
I’ve always felt my safest here at school

Chorus:
I need a lesson
I’m second-guessing myself
I need a witness
I need some forgiveness
I need a teacher
Not some smug and pious preacher
I need some pressure, I need some pressure
I need you, professor

Dear professor, let me guess: you’re married happily
Do you let her give you pleasure? Do you take the lead?
Does she know you? Does she show you reverence at night?
Does she love you more than I do? I don’t think that’s right

Your passion always shines right through
Oh, the things that I would do to you
But I don’t wanna get suspended
And I would be so sad when it ended

(repeat chorus)

When I’m home, and alone
I don’t get to be your girl
In my bed, I feel dead
With my stomach all a-swirl
But in class, I can pass
For a normal somebody
Raise my hand like I planned
If I fall for you, will you call on me?

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

While feeling uninspired recently, I looked through a Reddit thread of potential song ideas, and one that jumped out at me was “a college student who’s in love with their professor.” This is something I’ve experienced quite strongly many times, and realized I hadn’t really written about in a song before, so I decided to take a crack at it.

I wrote the lyrics for the first verse + prechorus in my Notes app late one night and kinda forgot about them for a while. Then I started trying them out with different melodies and instruments. I had originally envisioned this as kind of a cheeky, cheerful song, but when I paired the lyrics with a more sad-sounding ukulele part, it felt right and I decided to go farther down the path of this being kind of a tragic song about desperately craving validation from someone who can never fully give it to you in the way that you want.

Song 27/52: “Lullaby for Little One”

Lyrics:

You’re never alone when you’re with me
I know you’ve been hurt and I think that’s so shitty
But hey – look where we are today

I know you feel strange and exceptional
But, if it helps, I am strange and bisexual too
You’ve got me and I’ve got you

And I know that deep down, we are one and the same
I know that we’re sharing one body, one name
I know that we also share all of those memories and shame

Chorus:
And I’m here now to listen
And I’m sorry that I’d gone missing
It may not be much, but now that I know you
I know all the love that I wanna show you
And I’ll still be here for you even when everyone goes

I love how you stand up to bullies
The stuff that they scoff at is always so silly
But you, you do what you wanna do

You may not believe that your brain is a blessing
And I know that life can be plenty depressing
But wait – everything’s gonna be great

And when you are lonely, I swear I’ll be here
I’ll never be far from your faith and your fear
I’ve muddied the waters, but soon I can make them run clear

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

Okay, this one was weird… A month or two ago, a friend of mine submitted the phrase “I am strange and bisexual” when I polled my Instagram followers for songwriting prompts, and I wrote the first verse of this song. I was envisioning it as a song about a friend, maybe a friend who was feeling down about the political onslaughts on LGBTQ+ rights and needed some cheering up. I wrote a chorus for it that I later scrapped which went, “Queers have each other’s backs/ Queers can getcha through it/ Queers help other queers relax/ Almost any queer can do it.” I could’ve continued in this direction but that chorus just didn’t sit right with me, in part because of how much infighting there actually is in queer communities these days.

I set that song aside and didn’t really think about it again until a month or two later, when I was walking around Newark airport and this song just started playing in my head randomly. My brain was kind of chewing on it, figuring something out. And then I sat down at my gate, took out my Kindle and read a chapter or two of You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Dick Schwartz, which is about using the principles of Internal Family Systems therapy to improve your relationships. A lot of that book is about getting to know your “inner children” so you can address your traumas and show yourself some compassion, and by the time my flight had started boarding, I’d realized that this song should actually be about my inner child.

When I got back home to my apartment in Toronto a few hours later, I took out my ukulele because I wanted to write a song. I was kind of resistant to the idea of working on the inner child one because it felt too heavy and emotional for the exhausted mood I was in post-travel. So I pulled two tarot cards as songwriting prompts, hoping they would give me a different idea. But the cards I pulled were the Nine of Swords and the Nine of Pentacles, which respectively symbolize (among other things) misery and anxiety, and safety and accomplishment. These notions, paired together, reminded me so much of the work I’ve been doing with Internal Family Systems that I literally said out loud, “OKAY, universe, I will finish that song!!” and then I did. I’m not really a religious person and don’t know exactly what I believe in spiritually, but the creative superconscious often feels wildly tangible to me. I know that sounds pretentious – oh well, it’s true!

I was describing this song to my therapist while it was in the works, and they exclaimed, “Oh! It’s like you wrote a lullaby for your parts!” which of course I immediately wrote down. Ultimately I decided “Lullaby for Your Parts” would seem weirdly sexual out of context, so I went with a slightly altered version of that title 😂