We all make bad choices sometimes, but young people are especially prone to them, because they haven’t yet gained the life experience and knowledge they need to make better decisions for themselves; that self-education is a lifelong process.
I also think sexuality is an area where mistakes are easily made, both because lust and arousal are powerful disinhibitors and because far too many educational institutions still offer painfully inaccurate or nonexistent sex education.
Some of my silliest sexual mistakes prior to becoming sexually active (which brought a whole slew of even more mistakes) were related to using weird household objects to jerk off with. Now that I’ve grown up and literally review adult sex toys for a living, I know better… but back then, I was just feeling things out, so to speak. For your amusement and edification, here are some of the non-sexual items I have used for sexual purposes, and some suggestions of what I should have used instead…
An electric toothbrush
The classic. I’m sure I know dozens of people who’ve tried this at least once.
While I did occasionally find that the bristly side felt good in a vaguely masochistic way, usually I flipped the toothbrush around and used the back of the head. The vibration produced by electric toothbrushes is typically extremely buzzy, so I would have to rub it in circles against myself in order to feel much of anything. I got off that way regularly back then, but don’t think I could do so now, with my older, less easily orgasmic, more skeptical clit.
Obviously there are hygiene issues when doing this (I did not use a toothbrush that was currently anyone’s actual toothbrush) and, while the shape/size of an electric toothbrush is close to ideal for many clits, the stimulation itself leaves something to be desired. I think a slim, focused vibe like the Zumio would be the most logical upgrade.
A body massager I bought for about $5.99 at a discount shop
This thing was so weird. I’m sure I still have it somewhere. It was L-shaped, to help you reach sore spots on your shoulders and back (theoretically). It was EXTREMELY loud, such that I always had to put music on whenever I used it, and would get myself off with it as quickly as possible so no one would hear. The vibrations were powerful, but not particularly rumbly, which also contributed to me wanting to finish as fast as I could every time – using this vibe for too many minutes made my clit numb.
I didn’t have the budget for it back then, being a teen with no job, but it definitely would’ve been better to use something like the Magic Wand. And ideally I’d be able to soundproof my room as well 😂
A remote control for a stereo
I don’t think I ever used this penetratively… At least, I hope I didn’t…
My stereo’s remote was rounded off at one end, and I discovered somehow that rubbing it gently against my clit through my underwear felt good. It was something about the firmness of the hard plastic, paired with the softness of the curved edge. Hey, who knows why teenagers do what they do.
In retrospect, I probably could have achieved a similar effect with many other items – including my own fingers, if I’d used a light touch. But I didn’t have as much of a manual masturbation “repertoire” at that time so I didn’t know all the different sensations I could give myself without any toys (or makeshift toys) at all.
A shampoo bottle
Let me clarify… This was a bottle of Neutrogena T-Gel shampoo, which comes in a more slender bottle than most shampoos. Still, though – it’s a bit of an odd choice for penetration, which is the way I was using it. Hard plastic is a decent material for sexual usage in that it’s nonporous and generally body-safe, but the angular edges on many shampoo bottles make them uncomfortable at best and dangerous at worst.
I’ve only ever done this under very specific circumstances: I was jerking off in the tub, using my fingers or a clitoral vibe, and had trouble reaching orgasm, so I decided to add some penetration to get me there. (With my hand strength issues being what they are, usually I can only use up to 2 fingers inside myself comfortably, so if I’m alone and want penetration larger than that, it has to be with some kind of implement.) A small-to-average-sized dildo made of a firm material would’ve been a better choice, like any of the inexpensive glass ones I loved in my early 20s.
A cucumber
I mostly just tried this as a joke. Also, at some point long ago, I read a surprisingly hot erotica story about a woman who is overtaken by sexual curiosity about her neighbor’s vegetable garden and steals one of his cucumbers for masturbation purposes. That’s an image that doesn’t really leave you. 🥒
My partner brought home an enormous, slightly curved cucumber from the store one day because they were planning on using it to make some refreshing summer cocktails for us, but like the sex nerds that we are, we decided to fuck with it first. We left the plastic wrapping on it, which was a mistake, because it had some sharp seams that, uh, did not agree with my vagina.
If I wanted to try this again, I’d take the wrapping off and replace it with a regular condom (which is also what you should do if you ever plan on fucking yourself or anyone else with a piece of produce). Or I’d just use a dildo. 🤷🏻♀️
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Not sure if I have any pictures of me actually being flirted with, but this gleeful face is close enough!
One of the main reasons I’m non-monogamous is that nothing gets me high like flirting. And I say that as someone who does actual drugs on a near-daily basis. 😂
It’s not that flirting can’t or doesn’t happen in long-term relationships – my spouse and I flirt with each other often, and they still make me blush and giggle a LOT even after being together for over four years.
But neurochemically, there is something unique about flirting with someone who hasn’t already declared that they like you enough to be in a relationship with you, or to marry you, or whatever. The phrase “thrill of the chase” comes to mind but I don’t usually think of myself as chasing folks I flirt with; it’s more of a dance. And for me, one of the most fun parts of the dance is the part where you’re pretty sure the person likes you but neither of you have really said as much yet, so there’s a constant frisson of excitement in the air when you’re around them.
Romantic fantasies have been one of my favorite mental dalliances for basically as long as I’ve been alive, and still to this day, they are a coping mechanism for me when I’m dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, demotivation, and other effects of the fibromyalgia and depression I live with. Even when I’m feeling like absolute shit, lying in bed surrounded by pillows, breathing deeply with my eyes closed to try to get through the waves of pain and malaise, I can still picture what it would be like if [x crush] said [x romantic thing] to me – the way they would say it, how their face would look, how I would react – and it reliably makes me feel at least a little bit better.
The following sentences are “daydream porn” for me in this way. Try imagining your biggest unrequited(-so-far) crush saying them to you, in an intimate corner booth of a bar, or at a picnic in the park, or on your living room couch, or wherever. If you start smiling from ear to ear just thinking about it, then maybe you can use these types of fantasies as coping mechanisms during tough times, like I can. (I suppose this post is also a guide for how to flirt with me, but, um… that was not meant to be its initial and primary mission!)
1. “You know that I’m flirting with you, right? Okay, good.”
A few different people have said some version of this to me and it always fills me with glee. I know it can be controversial to talk about flirting in a “meta” way like this, because (for some people) much of the magic of flirting is its uncertainty, its delicate balance of “will they/won’t they?” But since I’m a nervous insecure socially anxious weirdo who spends at least some brainpower during every interaction wondering if the person I’m talking to actually even likes me, it can be incredibly validating to hear from someone’s own mouth that they are indeed flirting with me – that I’m not imagining it, that it isn’t the result of wishful thinking on my part but is actually real.
One time I played some songs at an event, one of which was my song “Addressee,” in which I confess that I often have a hard time interpreting flirtation as flirtation. The boy I was into at the time came up to me after my set, complimented my music, and said, “Just so we’re clear: I am always flirting with you.” It helped me feel safe enough in that dynamic to continue to flirt with him as hard as I had been, and even harder. *chef’s kiss*
2. “I am having a lot of fun flirting with you.”
Along similar lines, this one is lovely because it simultaneously acknowledges that flirting is happening, and affirms that the person is enjoying themselves. (Shout-out to Reid Mihalko, who I think was the first person to introduce me to the idea that meta-communication about flirting while it’s happening can be wildly hot and fun, and also helps clarify consent/comfort or a lack thereof.)
I especially like when this line is thrown out casually as the precursor to something else, so that it feels like a simple descriptor of what is going on, rather than a momentous confession (although, as the below examples will point out, I also find momentous confessions hot; they’re just not always the most socially appropriate thing). Like, for example, sometimes I’ve been talking to someone cute at a party and they’ll say, “Well, I’m having a lot of fun flirting with you, but I need to circulate and say hi to my friends. Can we pick this back up again later?” My cheeks are getting pink just thinking about it!!
3. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”
Throw me into a lake; I need to cool off, because this one is HOTTTT.
When I was actively dating, I always felt like this sentence was the early-dates equivalent of an initial “I love you.” It gave me the same level of “🥰 OMG 🥰” feelings every time a new person said it to me. I think this is partly because I am chronically obsessive when I have a crush on someone, always thinking about them a lot (sometimes more than I would like to!), so it felt wonderfully validating to know that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.
This one is also low-key sexy because there is usually an implication that some of those thoughts have been sexual. I often find myself responding “Oh yeah, like what kinds of thoughts?” before I even realize what I’m saying, because I get so curious. It’s a fantastic opener for a saucy convo about all the sex things you want to do to each other, but it can also be chastely romantic, a confession that the person’s feelings for you have become more than just a momentary interest.
4. “I am extremely attracted to you.”
It still baffles me a little whenever people are attracted to me so I guess I just like to hear it in explicit terms so I can be sure I’m not misinterpreting. It’s not necessary because it is often implied by other things they do or say – I mean, if someone kisses me passionately, or bites their lip when they first see me in the dress I wore to our date, then it’s safe to say they are attracted to me – but it’s still nice to get a clear confirmation one way or the other.
This is a little hard to talk about without sounding unfeminist or shallow or something, but I also find that “I’m attracted to you” can land better for me at times than “You’re so smart” or “You’re so funny,” etc., because if I feel like someone’s attraction to me is predicated entirely on me being smart or funny, then I can start to doubt myself a lot if I ever have a weird brain day around them where I’m not able to be as smart or as funny as I normally would be – like, are they gonna lose their boner for me because I didn’t pick up on their obscure pun before I’d had my coffee?! Obviously it’s still lovely to be complimented on my smarts or humor, but when someone admits that they are holistically attracted to me, it makes it a little easier for me to relax into the knowledge that they’ll continue to like me no matter what I do (within reason).
5. “I think you are hilarious and gorgeous and I was wondering if I could take you out sometime.”
As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect date-ask. I’m not saying no other way of asking me out would get a “yes,” or that no other way would make me feel good. But I do think this is the basic formula of how I’d always like to be asked out.
Complimenting someone in a date-ask is always a good idea, especially if you can compliment them on specific things that 1) you value in them and 2) they value (or ought to value) in themselves. My insecure brain is prone to being like, “Okay, yes, they asked me out, but do they find me ATTRACTIVE?? Do they actually even LIKE ME??” so pre-emptive compliments help me relax and actually believe them. (I have been asked out as a joke before, more than once. It is not fun.)
I like “take you out” because it’s the sort of phrasing most people wouldn’t tend to use unless they were talking about a date. But using the word “date” is also wonderful because it’s clear. I used to literally just sit in my childhood bed picturing different people asking me if they could take me out on a date. Free dopamine. A+.
6. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.”
Truly glad y’all can’t see me right now because writing this post is making me feel so blushy and romantic that I’m actually getting a little dizzy and light-headed!! Anyway, this is the best way to ask someone if you can kiss them, IMO.
I originally picked this up from Dan Savage, who says that “I really wanna kiss you right now” (or touch you, or fuck you, or whatever) is the best non-pushy way to 1) communicate your desire and 2) leave the other person an opportunity to either say yes or redirect the conversation. I like the addition of “I can’t stop thinking about” because it conveys enthusiasm, which (as you may have noticed) is a recurring theme in what I find romantically exciting.
Often, by the time someone says this, they will have already made it pretty clear in their body language – maybe moving closer to you, maybe staring intermittently at your lips throughout the conversation, or biting or licking their own – but it’s still nice to hear it. And if someone signals to me, even in an indirect way like this, that they care about consent and would never make a move without it, that’s super hot and makes me feel much safer around them.
7. “I’m finding myself really wanting to touch you right now. How would you feel about that?”
Replace “touch you” with whatever. I have had doms bring up spanking me in this way; I’ve had vanilla cuties bring up holding hands in this way; it’s just a sweet way of getting permission to break the touch barrier.
I understand that some people find it hot when touch is infused with such urgency and passion that the person doesn’t even ask before kissing you, touching you, etc. but I think that approach requires a high degree of competency with noticing nonverbal cues, “reading the room,” etc. and not everyone has that. I also just personally find a “slow burn” hotter. If someone asks if they can touch me, I’m going to take a moment to ponder their question, likely while picturing what their touch will feel like and what it might lead to. And that’s ultimately going to turn me on far more than if they just grabbed me. But that’s me, baby – talk to your person/people if you want to know how they feel about all this.
8. “I really hope I get to see you again soon.”
All of these, I’m realizing, are really just different ways of saying “I’m very into you and I want you to know that!” What can I say, I know what I like.
I know there is a lot of emphasis on “chill” in the dating world, and certainly, it has its place. You don’t want to burn too hot when the other person is behaving more coldly or ambivalently. But considering how much I fret after a date about whether I was cute enough or witty enough or fun enough, it absolutely makes my day when someone reaches out to say they enjoyed themselves and want to do it again sometime soon.
A slightly more proactive way of saying this – and one that conveys even more interest – would be to add something like, “Are you free next Friday night for [drinks/dinner/a comedy show/whatever]?” but that’s not always the right move, depending on the situation. Like, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to immediately ask me out on a second date when we’ve barely finished our first one, because I usually like to take some time to process after a first date and figure out how I felt about it before I decide what I want to happen next. But getting that text a day or two after a first date, if we had been chatting via text in the interim, would work excellently for me, and makes me blushy to think about.
What sentences feature prominently in your romantic fantasies?
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that loneliness has been a serious problem for many of us during the pandemic. As a hardcore introvert who doesn’t live alone, I’ve been spared the worst of it, but it still sneaks up on me sometimes. Here are 31 things I do regularly that help ease the pain of loneliness:
Have long phone calls with my spouse nearly every night.
While on those phone calls, sync up shows/movies to watch together, so it’s almost like we’re cuddled up on the couch enjoying entertainment together like a non-long-distance couple could do.
Look at real estate websites and imagine the parties I would throw, post-COVID, if I owned this brick-walled loft or that Grecian mansion.
Skype with my best friend once a week to catch up and record our podcast.
Watch live improv shows online (the Bad Dog Comedy channel on YouTube, and the usually-weekly performance of RaaatScraps, are my faves). It almost feels like being in an actual comedy venue again.
Read books containing loveable characters. Literature, I think, is one of humanity’s best ways for mentally communing with other people when we can’t physically be around other people.
Drink wine and play Jackbox games with my roommate and her boyfriend once a week or so.
Occasionally lurk around online dating sites fantasizing about what my life would be like if I was dating this person or that. (Turns out that a tendency to visit site after site into the wee hours is maybe not the healthiest thing for me, but hey, life is a journey of self-discovery!)
Flirt with people on social media.
Argue with people on Reddit. (Would not recommend.)
Learn to deeply enjoy my own company. This is a lifelong process, I suspect.
Watch old videos of fun times with friends.
Play songs on my piano and ukulele, close my eyes, and imagine I’m performing them for a massive crowd (in a post-pandemic world in which that would not be at all concerning for any of us).
Chat with my therapist on the phone twice a month.
Cuddle with cats.
Cultivate obsessions with YouTubers – gorgeous women doing beauty tutorials, clever men making cocktails, etc.
Use realistic sex toys and fantasize about various hot people.
Learn to cook new meals and make new drinks, in the hopes of one day being able to serve them to people I love.
Leave my favorite Twitch streamer’s videos playing on my iPad when I go to sleep, just to hear the comforting sound of a familiar voice (even if he happens to be battling the Elite Four or trying to catch a shiny Rayquaza or whatever).
Have one-person dance parties in my room, and imagine I’m surrounded by sweaty bodies writhing in tandem at a club.
Make a gratitude list.
Go for (masked) walks down to the waterfront, to be with the wind and the waves and the other wandering souls who’ve found their way there.
Send out compliments as often as it occurs to me to do so.
Create families in The Sims and have them throw parties, go on adventures, etc.
Listen to music that seems to “get” how I’m feeling, like that of Ben Hopkins, Paul Cook & the Chronicles, Sarah Vaughan, Ski Lift, Blossom Dearie, Hippo Campus, Fleet Foxes, and Nick Jonas (his most recent album Spaceman is full of COVID vibes!).
Reflect on memories of wonderful social experiences, like being part of a competitive improv team, attending sex-positive mixers, and chatting with the folks who came to my book launch event.
Add more lamps to my room. I don’t know why, but they make the space feel cozier.
Be proactive about my own self-care, including stuff like taking my meds + vitamins every day and using my SAD lamp every day, because taking good care of myself is extra important when no one is physically around to take care of me.
Step away from the internet sometimes. Being online may seem like a solution to loneliness, because there are so many people buzzing around on there, but often it just exacerbates the problem. “Touch grass,” as the kids say.
Look out my window at all the lit-up windows of other people who are stuck inside.
Remember, always, that this too shall pass.
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
It’s that time again, friends! Time for me to comb through my sex spreadsheet, crunch some numbers, and present you with a statistical portrait of my sex life this year. (Previously: 2020, 2019, 2018.)
Before we jump into those juicy juicy stats (!), I just wanted to say that I’ve very much appreciated your readership this year and that I hope you have a lovely New Year’s Eve, however you’re celebrating it, and a 2022 that’s as good as one can reasonably expect. ❤️
Overview
In 2021, I had partnered sex 154 times.
This works out to an average of 12.83 times per month, 2.96 times per week, and 0.42 times per day.
If you calculate the above based only on when me and my partner were physically together this year (which was 6.75 months out of 12), we had sex an average of 22.81 times per month, 4.39 times per week, and 0.76 times per day.
I had 139 orgasms from in-person partnered sex.
My partner had 118 orgasms from in-person partnered sex. That lower number is mostly due to time they spent in chastity.
An incomplete list, in alphabetical order, of kinks that were part of my sex life this year: biting, chastity, cock and ball torture, daddy dom/little girl roleplay, financial domination, forced orgasms, hypnosis, impact play, intoxication play, medical play, orgasm control, orgasm denial, roleplay, ruined orgasms, sadomasochism, scratching, sensory deprivation, sleepy sex, spanking, temperature play.
Compared to last year:
I had 23% less sex (which makes sense because my partner and I spent about 16% less time physically together this year than last year).
I had an orgasm 90.26% of the times I had sex, about the same as last year (90.5%).
My partner had an orgasm 76.62% of the times we had sex versus 89% last year – again, because of us doing chastity play.
I only had 1 sexual partner this year, versus last year when I did BJ porn with someone other than my spouse so I had 2.
Locations
I had sex in 4 different locations this year, same as last year.
Those included my place, my spouse’s place, a relative’s place, and the 6 Columbus hotel in New York City where we stayed for my birthday weekend.
I had a higher orgasm incidence rate at my own apartment (100%) than at mb’s apartment (89.51%) but that’s mostly just because I had way more sex at mb’s apartment (143 times versus 8 times) so there were way more chances for me to be too sleepy/tipsy/achy to get off.
Highs & lows
My most sexually active month was October (27 times), though all of the months we spent entirely together had a similar number (20-26).
My least sexually active months were, of course, the ones when I wasn’t with mb and therefore had sex 0 times (May, June, July, and September).
The most times I had sex in one day was twice, which happened several times.
I didn’t have multiple orgasms during any sessions this year because my body seems to be increasingly incapable of doing so, but my partner had more than one orgasm in a session at least 3 times.
My most-used kink toys during partnered sex were my Nidra Deep Rest blindfold (53 times), tweezers (5 times), and Glittertops custom paddle and London Tanners Domestic Discipline strap (tied at 3 times each).
Phone sex
In 2021, I had phone sex 71 times, versus 122 last year.
That means that while we were physically apart (which was 5.25 months out of 12), we had phone sex 13.52 times per month, 3.26 times per week, and 0.47 times per day.
I didn’t keep track of orgasm rates during phone sex this year because I couldn’t be bothered, but we both came the vast majority of times, mb’s stints in chastity being the main exceptions.
Comparing our phone sex numbers to our IRL sex numbers, phone sex was 31.55% of my sex life this year, compared to 37.9% last year.
The total amount of sex sessions I had this year (IRL sex + phone sex) was 225.
That works out to 18.75 times per month, 4.33 times per week, and 0.62 times per day.
Some of the funniest/oddest things in the “Notes” field of my sex spreadsheet this year:
Every year I write about 2 fears that I’ve faced head-on over the course of the year. It’s a way of re-teaching myself a lesson that I (and many others) need to re-learn periodically: that pushing through fear helps you grow, makes good shit happen in your life, and feels fucking great!
Both the fears I faced this year were work-related, but for workaholic freelancers like me, work can play a big role in one’s identity so these feel huger and more holistic than they might seem. Let’s jump in…
Going fully self-employed
Early in the year, I began to feel a bit hemmed in at my “dayjob,” a part-time social media writing gig I’d had for 4 years. The people I worked with there were always fantastic and kind, but I had to wake up every weekday at 9 a.m. to write time-sensitive tweets, which was becoming less and less achievable with my chronic pain and fatigue from fibromyalgia ramping up.
I also was fortunate enough to not really need the job anymore – it was only bringing in about 7% of my income but was accounting for at least 40% of my work hours and stress, so I figured it was time to make a change.
I had a lot of fears about doing this, many of which I unpacked with my therapist. I worried that my sleep schedule would get fucked up if I was no longer tethered to the 9-to-5, that all my other “jobs” would fall apart, that I’d regret this decision somehow. But it’s been about 6 months since I stopped working there and none of that has happened.
Instead, I feel much calmer, freer, and (most days) happier. I can sleep as late as my body needs (usually to 10:30–11:30) and work on a schedule that makes more sense for my natural rhythms and energy levels. And a far higher proportion of the work I do now is stuff that I deeply care about. It was a scary choice, but I’m profoundly glad I made it.
Yep, I did it! I really did it. With the help of my publisher/editors, my agent, my spouse, and my friends, I was able to get 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do out into the world, and celebrate it in style at a little launch party in an East Village bar.
It’s been such a thrill to see the book making its way around the world, landing in the hands of curious kinksters everywhere. I had so much anxiety in the weeks and months leading up to the launch – that no one would buy it, that no one would like it, that no one would come to the party, etc. – but it was all bullshit from the “fearful liar” part of my brain. The launch went better than I could have ever expected and I’m so grateful. ❤️
Ah, the follies of youth.
Going fully self-employed