Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Balldo

Kate Sloan

Every so often, a sex toy comes along that is so unusual, so wild, so unprecedented that I feel the need to shout about it to nearly everyone I talk to.

There was the vibrating teddy bear. There was the blowjob mirror. There were the butt plug shoes. And now, there is the Balldo.

I first heard about the Balldo back in January, when a press release about it popped into my inbox. The email called the product “the first dildo that uses your balls for penetrative sex.” I laughed out loud and texted my partner about it, thinking that this product could not possibly actually do what it purported to do. I archived the email. I thought that would be the end of it.

But then I kept getting press releases about it every so often, and kept looking at photos and videos of it online, trying to understand how it worked. And I kept bringing it up in conversations with friends, like, “Can you believe the things that people in the sex toy industry come up with?!” And somehow, amid all of that, I became quite certain: I needed to try the Balldo. I just had to know: Did it work as advertised? More importantly: Was it good?

Image via Balldo

WTF is the Balldo, and how do you use it?

The Balldo is a stretchy silicone apparatus that you slip onto your (shaved, lubed) testicles. It’s essentially a dildo that you can attach to your balls, with some open sections that allow your scrotum and balls to be stimulated while it’s on. The product also comes with two “spacer rings” which serve to “make your balls rigid enough for penetration.” You can slip them over the Balldo and down to the base of your balls once the Balldo is already on, if need be.

Putting it on can be tricky, especially if you’re not used to using cock rings and other stretchy toys on your dick and/or balls. My partner is quite experienced with such things, though, being a chastity cage aficionado and cock-ring enthusiast, and it takes them about 30 seconds to a minute to get their Balldo on. But once it’s on, it stays anchored in place pretty well. We would recommend that the wearer be the person to put the Balldo on themselves, rather than having a partner put it on them, because it’s a challenging task in a delicate area – but when Matt puts their Balldo on, it’s not a painful process at all, just perhaps a bit uncomfortable for a few seconds.

Once the Balldo is on and lubed up, you’re ready to fuck your partner with your balls. You can use it to fuck someone vaginally or anally (or, I guess, orally too, although if you’re gonna do that, it’s probably easier to just lick/suck someone’s naked balls, unless the phallic shape is part of your fantasy).

Image via Balldo

What does “ballsex” feel like?

The first time my partner and I used the Balldo together, they came literally the moment their balls slid inside me. That is not an exaggeration.

They said that it felt like my cunt was squeezing the cum out of their balls, which is… quite a salient thought, for someone who has a “milking” fantasy like they do. We were in the doggie-style position and I heard their telltale orgasmic moans as their cum exploded across my back. Giggles burst out of me immediately. I had anticipated a number of different possibilities for how our first Balldo session would go, but this was not one of them. It was hot!

During that testing session as well as subsequent ones, my partner has definitely experienced the fabled “ballgasm” lauded by the toy’s inventors and testers. They’ve described it as an orgasm that feels centered in their balls, and is qualitatively quite different from penile or prostate orgasms. Depending on what position you choose, your dick might end up rubbing against your partner’s body with every thrust as well, adding further stimulation that might help push you over the edge if ball stimulation isn’t enough on its own.

From the receiving end of things, I have to say that the Balldo doesn’t feel all that impressive. It’s definitely cool that I can feel my partner’s balls in me, and I like that every little squeeze of my vaginal muscles feels highly impactful for them, but the actual dildo part of the Balldo leaves something to be desired. I wish it was a little longer and/or wider, although it’s likely there are legit physics-related reasons why it couldn’t be designed that way.

It’s unlikely I could reach orgasm while being fucked by the Balldo, because orgasm during penetrative sex is already pretty tricky/rare for me and the precarious nature of “ballsex” (as I’ll describe below) just makes that even more true. When we’ve tested it, generally my partner has gotten me off either beforehand or afterward, via oral, toys, or other means. However, the mental aspect of being fucked by a partner’s balls can be super exciting (depending on your kinks/turn-ons); orgasm is not the only indicator of whether a person enjoyed themselves, and I always do enjoy myself when we use the Balldo, because I like causing and witnessing my partners’ pleasure, even in unconventional ways.

Ease-of-use issues & things to keep in mind

Positioning is one of the trickiest aspects of using the Balldo. Both of us wish that the company’s website or the product’s instructions provided information about suggested positions. I’m sure it depends on individual anatomy to some extent, but we found that the Balldo is just too floppy and difficult to manoeuvre in many positions. Insertion seems to be easiest when the person wearing the Balldo is thrusting their balls downward into a partner’s hole, working with gravity rather than against it. The missionary and doggie-style positions can both be adapted to suit the Balldo well, but we’ve found that the best one (for us, anyway) is me at the edge of the bed and them standing in front of me on the floor. This seems to give them the best leverage and makes insertion feel easier than in other positions.

We have an ongoing issue where their balls will slip out of me if we’re not careful. It seems to help if I pull my knees closer to my chest (or even rest my feet on my partner’s shoulders) so that my vagina is angled further upward than usual. But partly, this slippage issue is just the result of the general awkwardness of trying to thrust with your balls when you’re used to thrusting with your cock. Like using a strap-on, using the Balldo requires that your thrusts take on a different centre of gravity, and you may need to practice several times before you’ll really get the hang of it.

My partner and I use condoms when we have PIV sex, but not when we use the Balldo. This is a personal decision based on our own risk tolerances, but it won’t necessarily be the right decision for everyone (and frankly, I’m not sure how one would go about having safer sex with the Balldo, if one was worried about herpes or another STI that can spread via skin contact – maybe an internal condom would work?). We both enjoy the comparative intimacy of their balls being inside me without a barrier – the softness and warmth add to the overall pleasure for both of us.

One thing I hadn’t thought much about before using the Balldo is the sheer amount of cum that can get on both of you when you use this toy. Naturally, when my partner’s balls are inside me, their dick is outside of me, and so, when they have a ballgasm, one or both of us get sprayed with their cum. This is fun and hot in some ways, but also introduces additional risk as far as STI transmission and pregnancy. I always get nervous, for example, that some of the cum will drip into my vag and knock me up. To reduce the odds of this, you could wipe up/wash off ASAP after sex (which is what we do), or you could take the extra step of wearing a condom on your dick while using the Balldo.

Image via Balldo

Aesthetics, packaging & marketing

I was delighted that Balldo sent us the purple version of their toy (which looks to me more like hot pink), as opposed to the standard grey version. My partner is nonbinary, and far too many toys for people with penises are marketed in a hyper-masculine way (more on that in a sec), so it’s nice to have a more “feminine-leaning” color option. It’s also just a fantastic shade of pink.

On the topic of gender… Balldo, like many other sex toy companies, uses a lot of unnecessarily gendered language in their marketing and product copy. So much so that, when our Balldo arrived while my partner was at work, I marked up the included press sheet to make them laugh and hopefully make them feel less othered by the product. It’s 2021, and by now, I really expect sex toy companies to know better than to assume that everyone who has balls is a man, or that all men have balls. Why go to the trouble of making a pink/purple Balldo, which could theoretically be gender-euphoric (or at least not actively dysphoric) for nonbinary and transfeminine people, if you’re not going to follow through on that inclusivity with the language you use?

The packaging in which we received our Balldo was not as nice as the reusable packaging shown on their website, but that’s not a huge deal in my view because I tend to get rid of most sex toy packaging anyway (it just takes up too much space once you own dozens+ of toys). I do wish it came with a storage bag, though, because it would be easy to misplace one or both of the spacer rings if I was transporting them loose in a purse or suitcase.

Image via Balldo

Final thoughts

Will the Balldo become a regular part of our sex life? You know, I actually think it might! Chastity play has become a significant part of my sex life with my partner, and it’s fun to experiment with various “dick substitutes” when they’re locked up, from strap-ons to fingers to the Balldo. It also fits nicely with our fantasies – among others, theirs for being “milked” and mine for having a magic pussy that makes people come uncontrollably.

I’ve just… truly never tried a toy like this, in all my years of sex toy reviewing. I am such a crotchety old sex writer sometimes, complaining about how hardly anyone does anything truly innovative in this industry anymore, and I’m impressed that the folks at Balldo managed to make something actually new. In doing so, they may even launch entirely new genres of sex, porn, and fantasies. The future has arrived!

If you already know you like having your balls stimulated, it’s quite possible you’d love the Balldo. But even if that’s not the case, I think it’s worth checking out if you and your partner(s) are sexually adventurous and driven by curiosity. Hey, even if it doesn’t work for you, at least you’ll have a great story to tell your friends!

 

Thanks so much to Balldo for sending me their product to review! This post was not sponsored – I was not compensated for writing it in any way, aside from receiving a free sample of the product. Some of the links in this post are affiliate links, however.

Review: Tracy’s Dog OG Pro2

Kate Sloan

There’s a lot to like about the Tracy’s Dog OG Pro2 – it’s waterproof, made of smooth silicone, has a powerful motor and an elegant aesthetic – but I just don’t think my body is cut out for this type of toy.

It’s a good idea in theory: a pressure-wave clitoral stimulator attached to a vibrating internal portion to hit the G-spot. I have enjoyed some other toys of this type before, and I’ve enjoyed this one too. The issue for me, though, is that generally with this type of toy you can’t use just one part of it at a time – you have to use both. You can’t, for example, get turned on by using just the clitoral stimulator, until you’re wet enough to insert the G-spot arm. You also can’t use the G-spot arm internally by itself without the external part blocking access to your clit. For this reason, I’m glad that this vibrator only costs $59.99 – I’d be hesitant to spend much more than that on a toy that lacks versatility the way this one does.

That said, if you already know for a fact that you like clitoral pressure waves paired with G-spot stimulation (likely because you’ve used two separate toys to achieve this purpose before), the OG Pro2 could be a good upgrade for you. It pairs intense clitoral stimulation with deep, rumbly G-spot vibration, and is one of the best toys of this type that I’ve tried, at a reasonable price point.

I just don’t think I’m the ideal person to use this toy. I prefer to start at a mild level of external-only stimulation and work my way up to higher intensities and dual stimulation, and this type of product doesn’t really allow for that. Its settings, both internally and externally, start at a pretty intense level for my preferences. That, alongside the logistical impossibility of using either of the toy’s two functions separately, makes it so that I have to warm myself up with my hands and/or other toys prior to using this toy, every time. I find that somewhat irritating because, when I buy a sex toy, I want it to be able to take me through the whole arousal process from start to finish. But if you only tend to reach for a toy once you’re already turned on, then this would be a moot point for you.

Another reason I’m not terribly fond of the OG Pro2 is that it’s pretty damn loud. Both of its functions make enough noise to be clearly audible from across a (large) room, though perhaps not through a closed door. I tried using this toy in the bath, and even underwater it made enough of a racket that I got a little self-conscious about being heard.

The clitoral stimulation portion of this toy just… doesn’t feel that good to me. It’s high-pitched/”buzzy,” as far as pressure-wave stimulation goes, meaning that it doesn’t feel like it resonates in the deeper tissues of my internal clit. It’s also shaped in a way that makes it abnormally easy for me to accidentally break the suction seal created by the toy just by moving around slightly, the way I normally do while masturbating. The button that controls the pressure-wave end of the toy seems to make it pulse faster rather than stronger when I turn it up, which makes it pretty hard for me to reach orgasm with this toy; when I get close to climax, usually I want the speed of stimulation to remain fairly consistent while the intensity gradually increases, and this toy can’t really do that.

But as for the positive aspects of this toy, of which there are actually quite a few… I really do like its rumbly G-spot vibrations. They’re stronger and deeper than what I’d generally expect from a $60 toy. They do get buzzier as you turn up the power, but in a way that my G-spot finds pleasing (once properly aroused) rather than annoying or overly numbing. There are only 3 solid speeds followed by several patterns, but I don’t mind that as much in a G-spot vibe because my internal spots appreciate the sense of “motion” created by vibration patterns.

I love that this toy is waterproof. Being a dual-stim toy that stays put pretty well when my thighs are closed around it, I can use the OG Pro2 hands-free in the bath while reading erotica on my Kindle or just letting my mind wander. The amount of pressure/tension provided by the toy’s “neck” makes this even easier; it doesn’t tend to slip out of me or move around too much of its own accord, even as I get wetter and more turned on.

I also really like that each of the toy’s two functions is controlled independently by its own button. The buttons are easy to locate in a hurry, whether visually or by touch, and require a decisive press, so they aren’t prone to skipping speeds or needing extra presses like some toys’ buttons are.

While I think the Tracy’s Dog OG Pro2 is overall a great toy in its category and for its price point, it just doesn’t really work for my particular body and preferences. But if you love pressure-wave clitoral stimulation mixed with powerful G-spot vibration, and you’re looking for something easy to use and even potentially hands-free, I think it’s an option worth considering.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: V for Vibes Bia Ejaculating Rabbit Vibrator

Kate Sloan

When I told my friend Bex I was going to review an ejaculating rabbit vibrator, he said, “I’ve heard all of those words, but never quite expected to hear them together in that order.” My thoughts exactly.

This was, pretty universally, the reaction of everyone I told about the V for Vibes Bia ejaculating rabbit vibrator. Friends wondered, as I was wondering: Aren’t “ejaculating” toys usually realistic dildos, since most people who are into the fantasy of seeing dicks come are into, well… seeing dicks come? What is the overlap, if any, between people who want a rabbit vibe and people who want a squirting toy?

One of the first things I noticed about the Bia was that it’s adorable as hell. It’s a bright blue, silicone, rechargeable rabbit vibe with a simple silhouette and a diameter of about 1.35″. It looks like the rabbit of my dreams – but how does it feel?

Like many rabbits, this one has two separate motors – the inside one that presses on your G-spot, and the outside one that tickles your clit with its li’l rabbit ears. There are 12 different vibration patterns you can scroll through with one button; the patterns are pre-selected and pretty chaotic, and the motors can’t be controlled independently. (I think all dual-stimulation vibes should allow you to control their two functions independently of each other, but I’m a snob, so your mileage may vary.)

Both motors are, unfortunately, quite buzzy. They have enough power to feel impactful, but start to cause some numbness pretty soon after I put ’em on/in my bits. That said, this is a rabbit that lends itself unusually well to thrusting, which is especially important for buzzy vibes. I find that the slight desensitization caused by this toy can be combated by thrusting it in and out slightly, since the motion and rhythm make up for the loss of some sensation.

There are only a few rabbit vibes I’ve found I could thrust with, the We-Vibe Nova being one of them. The Bia achieves its thrustability by having a firm-yet-flexible clitoral portion that stays put reasonably well on top of my clit while I move the rest of the toy in and out. This is the way I come most easily with this toy. If you prefer to hold your rabbit vibes static, I would recommend a rumblier one instead, like the aforementioned Nova. I’d also recommend one that will press more firmly against your internal spots while staying still; the Bia’s curve is quite gentle, so I only really get G-spot pleasure from it while I’m thrusting, which is fine with me but won’t be everyone’s preference.

The handle of the Bia also aids in said thrusting. It’s surprisingly ergonomic, curved downward to allow for an easy, steady grip while you manipulate the toy. As someone whose hands often hurt, I appreciate this feature!

But what about the ejaculation?! Well, you should know upfront that it doesn’t look how a flesh-and-blood cock looks when it comes. There is no rhythmic spurting, no Olympian long-distance spraying – so it’s probably not what you need if you’re interested in this toy for exhibitionistic or porn-making purposes. But I like it anyway.

You load the toy’s “cum chamber” by twisting off its base and pouring a liquid of your choice into the receptacle. Theoretically, you could use any liquid that’s thin enough to be squirted out of the toy (think hand-soap consistency or runnier), but my personal fave for this purpose is FuckWater’s hybrid lube. It’s mainly water-based, so it’s safe to use with a silicone toy, but contains just enough silicone lube to give it a slipperier feel and a more cum-like appearance. You don’t need to fill the entire chamber with lube in order for the squirting to work – and in fact, you shouldn’t, unless you know you’re gonna use a fuckton of lube, because you’ll just have to clean the excess out of the toy when you’re done, effectively wasting any you haven’t used.

The actual “ejaculation” happens when you press and hold the “raindrop” button on the toy. The way it works reminds me of one of those mechanized soap dispensers; it whirrs loudly, and slowly dispenses lube through its cum-hole for the duration of however long you press the button. Rather than looking like an actual ejaculation, it’s more like when someone has already come but their dick still drips a little residual semen afterward. Personally, I found the look of it hotter than I expected to, although the loud mechanical whirring kind of dampens the magic. So does the fact that you have to dissemble and rinse out the toy after every use and let it dry fully before reassembling it.

Besides the hotness factor, this squirting feature is potentially useful as a lube dispensation tactic. Should you notice that you’re drying out a bit while you’re using the toy, you can hold down the squirt button to pump a bit more lube into your body without needing to go through the whole rigamarole of removing the toy, re-lubing, and re-inserting. It’s pretty cool, and not something I’ve been able to do with any other toy before.

I wish the Bia rabbit vibrator had a far rumblier vibration quality and that its two motors could be controlled separately of one another, both features I think are reasonable to expect of a $100 vibrator. I also wish it was quieter and had more of a G-spot curve. But the squirting function is inventive and fun, the aesthetic of the toy is delightful, and I have had orgasms while thrusting it quickly in and out of me. When I first started using it, I didn’t understand why anyone would want a squirting rabbit vibe – but now, having used it a handful of times, I think I finally get it.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning that I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Wowyes OYE-030 A7 Sucking Vibrator

Kate Sloan

I was skeptical about this vibrator. And then it made me come in under 5 minutes, and I was sold.

The Wowyes OYE-030 A7 Sucking Vibrator has, without question, one of the worst names I’ve ever seen in this industry, but despite that, it’s got a lot going for it. It’s a We-Vibe-esque toy that can vibrate against your G-spot while simultaneously applying pressure-wave stimulation (à la Womanizer and Satisfyer) to your clit. It’s covered in silky-smooth silicone and has a little pink flower on its one button – cute.

Despite the similarities between this toy and the We-Vibe Sync, it lacks one of the Sync’s much-discussed features: a bendable “hinge” between the two sections of the toy so you can adjust it to find your preferred spacing and pressure. Ultimately, this is probably for the best – a hinge likely would’ve increased the toy’s price point as it did for the Sync, and when I worked at sex shops, customers accidentally broke our Sync floor models at the hinge so many times that we had to stop leaving floor models out. However, that lack of adjustability means that this Wowyes toy will only work for people who have a clit that’s about 2 inches (or less) from their vaginal opening. Any more than that, and you run the risk of over-bending the toy and/or finding that its nozzle can’t reach your clit.

When testing this toy, I scribbled a frustrated note about the lack of a hinge, but when the toy gave me an orgasm 5 minutes later (I’ll get to that in a second), I started to understand how this was actually a good design choice. Although I love the bendable Sync, it tends to slip out of position periodically as its hinge widens from the pressure of masturbation/sex; the Wowyes toy, on the other hand, stays tightly pressed against my G-spot and clit throughout the session and doesn’t tend to slip out (in part due to the stimulating ridges on the G-spot end). This ultimately results in more satisfying orgasms because the toy maintains pressure on my spots even while my pelvic muscles are rhythmically clenching.

So, how does this toy actually feel? The pressure waves feel like they’re blended with some buzzyish vibration that makes them intense but also slightly numbing after more than a few minutes. The internal vibrations are, similarly, on the buzzier side of the spectrum, but they have a bunch of excellent patterns that somehow negate that for me. The first pattern – rhythmic pulsing at a medium speed – is the one I stay on 90% of the time, because it pairs brilliantly with steady clit stimulation, lending a sense of motion and rhythm to the overall sensation.

The “mouth” is one of the smallest ones I’ve seen, so unfortunately it’s probably not a good pick for people with medium-to-large-sized clits. Normally I don’t like super pinpointed pressure waves, but this toy has a protruding silicone “lip” that runs the perimeter of its mouth and stimulates the area around my clit, as well – the clitoral hood and some of the labia, depending on how my legs are positioned – so it still feels pleasurable to me even though it’s laser-focused on the tip of my clit. Squeezing my thighs together takes the intensity of the buzziness down somewhat, making the pressure waves feel rumblier and like they’re penetrating deeper into my internal clit.

Both functions of this toy have multiple settings and patterns, but to be real with you, in my testing I have rarely ventured past the first or second pressure-wave speed and that first pulsing vibration pattern. They just work too well in tandem for me to want to explore much else beyond what’s necessary to write this review.

Used alongside a fabulous blowjob porn clip, this toy gave me a fast, intense orgasm with its steady clit-sucking portion and those rhythmic vibrations pulsing away against my G-spot. I’ve often found that pressure-wave toys tend to make me come quickly and unsatisfyingly, but something about this toy makes orgasms unexpectedly intense for me. I think it’s the firm pressure against my G-spot (owing to that lack of bendiness in the neck of the toy) and the “lips” surrounding my clit while I come. It’s definitely not as profound and world-altering a sensation as can be provided by something much rumblier, like the Eroscillator or the Tango X, but it’s pretty damn good for a $50 toy. I will say, however, that (uncharacteristically for me) I tend to crave another orgasm just a few minutes after having one with this toy, as if the first one hadn’t quite satisfied me.

The toy’s one button is gratifyingly clicky to push, and its smooth, domed shape is easy to locate by touch in the heat of the moment. After you’ve turned the toy on by holding and pressing the button briefly, hitting it again activates the vibration portion, and double-clicking it activates the pressure-wave portion. You can cycle through each motor’s different modes separately by either single-pressing (vibration) or double-pressing (pressure waves). It seems to me that it would be easy to make mistakes while controlling the toy this way – after all, “double-clicking your mouse” can distract you from any other double-clicking you might be doing – but I actually haven’t screwed up even once while scrolling through this toy’s settings, because the button is so well-designed that each push feels distinctly discernible. Cool.

In any case, it doesn’t matter that much because the toy comes with a little heart-shaped remote (watch battery included). Unlike almost any other toy I’ve tried of this type, the remote arrives pre-paired with the toy, so you don’t have to mess around with Bluetooth settings before playing. The signal even travels through my pants, underwear, and closed thighs. Neat! I wish the remote was a little more substantial-feeling – it’s light and feels cheap, reminding me of some kind of knockoff Sailor Moon children’s toy – but for a product that only costs $49.50, I find it impressive that they included a functioning remote at all. Remote-controllability also tends to make toys more accessible for disabled folks – always a plus.

The remote would be especially great for the toy’s main intended purpose: enhancing partnered intercourse. Much like the We-Vibe, it’s designed to be worn vaginally while a partner penetrates you with their penis or strap-on. I did not try it this way because my partner is 500 miles away right now (boooo), but I imagine it would be passable-but-not-amazing for that purpose. Whereas something like the We-Vibe benefits from the friction and motion of a partner, rubbing its vibrations all over your clitoral area with every thrust, pressure-wave toys comparatively tend to need to stay in one spot in order to maintain their suction on your clit and keep feeling good. That’s especially true when a toy has a nozzle as small as this one has. I think PIV would jostle it off its target too often for it to really feel good, but hey, feel free to prove me wrong.

This toy definitely doesn’t work as well for me in the absence of porn to watch. Granted, that’s true for a lot of toys, but I think this one in particular really benefits from mental stimulation; on its own, it’s a little too buzzy to really feel impactful, but when porn is arousing my brain, the toy’s sensations feel amped up and make me come easily.

Sadly, this toy is pretty loud, especially the clitoral portion. It quiets down when it’s actually sucking my clit, or when it’s pressed tight between my closed legs, but it gets noisy if I try to reposition it. Not a huge deal for me, but certainly not ideal for people who need to keep their toy usage on the down-low.

Overall, I’m really impressed with the Wowyes OYE-030 A7 Sucking Vibrator, and will probably keep it in my regular rotation for those days when I just want to get off fast. Its remote works better than any I’ve tried, it stimulates both my G-spot and clit surprisingly well, and it’s cute as fuck. Assuming it fits your anatomy and you can deal with the loudness and lack of flexibility – and that you like mild clitoral suction and rhythmic G-spot vibration – I think it’s a perfectly viable toy to spend $49.50 on. Its name is the worst thing about it, and if you know the sex toy industry, you know that that’s a backhanded compliment but a compliment nonetheless.

 

Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sending me this toy to try! This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product.

Guest Review: Tantaly Monroe Realistic Sex Doll

Kate Sloan

Note from Kate: I asked a cis male friend of mine to review this sex doll for me, because my partner already has one and doesn’t have enough room in their New York apartment for another one 😂 Here’s what my friend thought about his new doll, in his own words…

I’ve always wondered what it might be like to own a realistic sex doll. But I never bought one because the high-end ones I looked at were pretty expensive, and I was afraid that if I owned one, someone might find it in my home and make fun of me. I wouldn’t want someone to know I spent so much money on that kind of thing!

So imagine my surprise and delight when my friend Kate asked me if I’d be interested in testing and reviewing the Tantaly “Monroe” sex doll… for free! And when I say “doll,” what I really mean is a headless, armless torso with thighs that cut off above the knee. “Monroe” is ostensibly named after Marilyn Monroe due to her elegant hip-to-waist ratio, though I don’t remember Marilyn having G-cup breasts. This thing costs over $900, so I figured it had to be pretty legit.

After following Canada Post’s tracking for over a week, I got a knock on the front door and found a box big enough to hold a dining chair. I don’t know why sex toy reviewers always feel the need to describe their initial unboxing when they’re going to immediately throw the box away, but what the heck, let’s do it anyway: They promised “non-descript packaging,” and wow they weren’t kidding. It was a cardboard box containing a compact styrofoam coffin, inside of which was a nude torso wrapped in plastic. Nothing in the way of presentation or pizzaz, not even so much as a ribbon tied in a bow; only a teeny instruction pamphlet and tampon-like “drying stick” used to dehumidify Monroe’s orifices when not in use.

Once I cut Monroe out of her powder-coated placenta, it was time to pick her up and carry her to the bedroom like some sort of extremely fucked-up “carrying my new bride over the threshold” situation. And, while I know it’s rude to say so, she is HEAVY! 68 pounds of totally dead weight, to be exact (though when she sat on my face it felt more like 69, har har). If you have less-than-average upper body strength, you should really take this into account when considering the purchase of a Monroe. I had to struggle laboriously up the stairs with her draped over my shoulder like a firefighter trying to rescue half of someone. My cat didn’t know WHAT the fuck was going on.

After tossing her onto the bed and catching my breath, I immediately had the urge to eat her ass. In real life, spontaneous ass-eating can be a risky proposition to say the least, but it’s been over a year since I’ve had the opportunity to eat any ass at all, so I dove in and it was a lovely experience. Then I flipped her over, spread her thighs apart ­ ­–which took more than a little bit of effort – and went down on her, fingering her in the process. While doing so, I suddenly thought about how wild it is that I finally have a lover who needs no foreplay and here I am warming her up just for the fuck of it!

Anyway, she was now on her back with her fabulously gravity-defying breasts pointed to the heavens. I gave them a few ham-handed squeezes the way I might have in a teenage wet dream. They felt nice to the touch (and I even licked a nipple which was kind of fun). With that being said, I’ve had a few dozen sexual partners and I feel confident in saying the texture of these boobs doesn’t mimic the feel of any that actually exist, unless there’s some cosmetic surgeon out there stuffing wads of “cyberskin” into patients’ mammary glands.

Now the time had come: I lubed up her vagina and, since it was a bit cold in there, I held my fingers inside for about 30 seconds to transfer some of my body heat. After getting hard, I got into position, slipped in there, and WOW

WHOA

I came extremely fast. To be fair, I was particularly aroused by the anticipation of this experiment, and it probably ratcheted my horniness up even more when I revisited my long-lost pastime of ass-eating, but Monroe’s vagina was far and away the most pleasantly stimulating fake pussy I’d ever been inside. In my lifetime, I’ve owned around 10 various masturbators that purported to mimic a real fuckable orifice and this one takes the cake. And by the cake, I mean the cum. The first time I slid my penis into it, I immediately felt that anxious “oh shit I need to slow down” feeling I often felt in my early sexual experiences. My penis is pretty thick, and I’ve occasionally run into sex toys that are so tailored to a small-to-average penis size that they’re either uncomfortable for me or they begin to wear prematurely, as I’ve found with my otherwise delightful ArcWave Ion. But this hole was neither too tight nor too loose… To mix metaphors, I felt like Goldilocks finding the perfect bowl of porridge to stick my dick into.

As a side note, I enjoy the fact that I can seriously rail this thing like an industrial piston. I’ve never been allowed to ram into a partner’s hole with all my strength. Here, I could do that and it felt amazing both in terms of sensation and raw caveman humpery. So there I was, probably less than a minute after penetration, breathing hard atop a buxom semen-filled effigy.

And that’s when I learned that cleanup is a bit of a process. It’s tempting to skip it directly after coming because you’d rather bliss out and not do an immediate chore. But from what I understand, failing to clean this product, especially after ejaculating inside it, is a quick way to get a nasty situation on your hands. Sadly, this vagina is not self-cleaning and its pH is not self-regulating. But a few squirts with a bulb douche and sort of “scooping” out the cum and lube inside – not unlike some intense G-spot stimulation – gets it reasonably clean. You just have to figure out where the water will go when it inevitably comes back out of there (or else your bed may end up looking like someone’s just experienced an absolutely legendary squirting orgasm!) Once you get as much water and jizz out as you can, you insert the included “drying stick.” By the way, Tantaly sells additional drying sticks as well as other maintenance accessories and even a USB-powered “heating rod” to warm the orifices before use. You’ll want to buy a second drying stick unless you strictly fuck one hole per session. Speaking of maintenance, one inconvenient thing about Monroe is that she must be stored lying down, meaning she’ll take up around 8 square feet of space in your home. In my condo, she lives in a trashbag on the floor of my closet like something you’d see on some nauseating true crime docuseries.

So anyway, that was round one. A few hours later, I remembered “Oh yeah, I have a naked torso on my bed!” and decided to go for round two. This time, it would be doggy style. I once again picked her up and flipped her over, and I have to say, it was not very fun to do so. Tantaly sells similar sex doll torsos that weigh much less, and I found myself wondering if I’d rather try one of them (though it’s possible that their relative lightness could make them feel less realistic). I had a difficult time getting Monroe into a position that felt right for doggy style. While she is highly poseable, her skeletal frame takes a lot of effort to adjust. This is for the best, since she would collapse too easily if her frame were flimsier, but when trying to get her into position, you feel like you’re fighting with rusty levers in some abandoned mad scientist’s lab. It often feels like you’re forcing someone to move against their will, which is slightly distressing if you dwell on it for more than a second. Moving her around on a bed adds the element of mattress bounciness which can make the process even more unwieldy. To successfully pose her in a “doggy style position” requires you to make sure her thighs are both positioned at the exact same angle (otherwise she’ll lean too far to one side)… It’s like trying to get a tripod perfectly level if the tripod’s legs were human legs with rigor mortis! Also, she has no knees, so in any “kneeling” position, her butt is lower to the ground than it would actually be if her legs were complete and intact.

To her credit, when you finally get Monroe into a doggy-style position it’s a truly beautiful thing; her ass is a sight to behold and unlike a real-life situation, it feels okay to stare and truly appreciate what you’re looking at. Unfortunately, after trying rear-entry PIV in a few varying positions, I realized that both the angle and position of her vagina are so optimized for the missionary position that they make full penetration from behind nearly impossible for an average-sized penis. I’m a little longer than 6 inches and I could barely get halfway in from behind. So I decided to grab the lube bottle again and head on down to brown town. Her anal orifice (or “tunnel” as it is called on Tantaly’s website) is anatomically realistic in its shortness, but just like the vagina, it is textured in a way that’s more stimulating than any ass I’ve ever fucked. I enjoyed squeezing her asscheeks as I went in and out – WHOOPS, I came again. This time I lasted a bit longer, but once again, I could see an orgasm on the horizon the moment I started. Mind you, I’m no two-pump chump. The few times in my adult life that I’ve finished really quickly were with particularly petite women whose anatomy made for a lot more friction and grip than usual. But even then, I lasted longer than what felt like 60-90 seconds in this case! As I neared orgasm, I thought “Pull out! Pull out! It’ll make cleanup easier!” but my usual failsafe (fear of an unwanted pregnancy) was absent, so… hey, I got another chance to rehearse the ol’ “douche n’ scoop!” This time I put a towel underneath her to catch the jizzwater.

The next time I fucked her from behind, I experimented with ways to make her position feel more anatomically accurate. At one point, I set her clavicles onto a small piece of luggage and put a small briefcase under her thighs to create the true position her body would be in if she were a real person in that position. In this way, I could squeeze her boobs while fucking her ass from behind. I enjoyed it, but setting it up was quite a production for what was – yet again – a very short ride. I’m honestly considering fucking her with a condom just to last long enough to fully enjoy the experience!

It seems to me that one of the biggest selling points for a toy like this is the realism of something anatomically proportional with a realistic amount of heft. But despite her realistic weight and size, Tantaly hasn’t so much achieved realism as an enhanced fantasy version of realism. The breasts don’t feel like breasts, but it would be hot if breasts felt like that. I don’t think there are any vaginas or rectums with internal “pleasure nubs” but it would feel amazing if there were. Most partners won’t want you to slam into their holes with the full force of your body, but it would be fun if they did. These factors all add up to the heightened “fantasy-realism” of Monroe.

Two more details before I wrap up: It’s worth mentioning that after 7 uses over the course of 10 days, I noticed one small part of her skin (on the outside of her right thigh) looked very slightly damaged, as if its very surface were slightly peeling off. This might portend an unexpectedly quick deterioration of her materials, but it’s possible that something I did unduly caused the damage. Also (get this) if you decide to get rid of Monroe, you cannot ethically throw her in the trash; she’s made of high-quality TPE, so she must be recycled AND she may also be labeled as “bio-waste” due to “personal use.” So enjoy telling your local recycling center how the neighborhood kids must have pulled a prank by leaving her in your blue bin.

But here’s the big question: Is Monroe worth nearly $1,000? That’s hard to say. For the sake of comparison, I happen to have gotten plenty of enjoyment out of a smaller masturbator from Extreme Restraints that looks like a disembodied cross section of buttocks and vulva in a doggy-style position. It doesn’t feel as good as Monroe, and it’s nearly impossible to get into a truly realistic position, but it also retails for only $140, it’s easy to store, and I’ve never felt arm pain the day after using it. On the other hand, let’s consider who would be the perfect candidate for this kind of product: I imagine a lonely, bored, and/or sexually inexperienced guy who also has deep pockets. Maybe he wants a chance to practice with a life-size simulated partner before he starts having real sex. Maybe he’s afraid he’ll finish too quickly and wants to build up stamina. He either has a fair amount of storage space in his home, or he has a place where she can stay permanently. This guy also would ideally have decent upper-body strength. If all of these traits describe you, dear reader, then I think Monroe would be a great purchase.

But for the rest of you, let’s look at the pros and cons:

PROS:

  • Amazingly-textured orifices
  • Exciting proportions for those who love curves
  • Weight & heft add to the realism
  • Seriously, WOW these orifices, just WOW
  • Realistic size can allow realistic sexual positions
  • Useful for stamina training

CONS:

  • Heavy and unwieldy
  • Somewhat difficult to pose
  • Vagina placement prevents deep penetration from behind
  • Inconvenient to store/must be stored flat
  • Requires disciplined maintenance
  • Skin may begin to (slightly) deteriorate after few uses

Keep in mind that Tantaly sells a line of torso dolls with a variety of weights and sizes, so if you’re intrigued by the pros but turned off by some of the cons, you might consider one of their other models. As for the Monroe doll, she’s a partner with a few qualities that are more amazing than I’ve ever experienced, but they come at a steep price and aren’t without some annoying quirks… Hey wait, maybe she IS realistic after all!

Note from Kate: If you want to buy your own Monroe, you can use the code “GJMonroe10” to get 10% off! This post was sponsored, which means we were paid to write a fair and honest review of the product that was sent to my friend.