Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Jimmyjane Little Chroma

Kate Sloan

The Jimmyjane Little Chroma is an old vibrator. It was designed and released years ago. Its technology is outdated, at least in the realm of luxury sex toys. And yet, when I was offered the Little Chroma to review, I wanted it. Because Jimmyjane’s marketing hustle is strong.

They made me want this vibe, with their talk of it being “everlasting” (they sell $20 replaceable motors for when the first one burns out) and “versatile” (yes, you can technically insert it in your vagina, though it’s only 2/3″ wide so I doubt you would) and “waterproof” (it isn’t really, but we’ll get to that). They make it sound damn enticing, like the best investment you could possibly make for your genitals. But the Little Chroma is all talk, no walk. It can’t live up to its hype.

First, the few good things about this toy: it’s made of aluminum, so it feels really smooth and sexy in the hand, and it holds temperature exceptionally well. It comes in cute colors like purple and black. It has a 3-year limited warranty. But… that’s about it. Everything else about it sucks.

Jimmyjane’s marketing for the Little Chroma is based on several lies-by-omission. I’ll list them for you here.

Lie #1: Vibrations. Jimmyjane’s website simply describes the toy’s vibrations as “strong-yet-silent.” What they don’t tell you is that this toy only has one speed. That’s right: unlike virtually every vibrator that sells for more than $15, the Little Chroma doesn’t offer you any options in terms of vibration strength. If you don’t like the one setting they supply you with, you’re fucked – and you probably won’t like it, because it’s as weak and buzzy as a typical bullet vibe.

In the instructional manual, Jimmyjane claims that the Little Chroma’s one speed is “the right speed” and that you can change how strong the vibrations feel by changing where you position the toy on your body. It’s true that the vibrations feel slightly stronger at the tip than on the shaft of the toy, but I only ever use the tip because even there the vibrations don’t feel strong enough. And yet somehow they make my fingers numb as I hold the toy. Ugh.

Using the Little Chroma takes me back to the days when I first started using vibrators – mostly cheap, battery-operated ones, because I was 16 – and I would go numb from the high-pitched vibrations within minutes. I would then have to physically rub the vibrator against myself in order to reach orgasm, and sometimes I wouldn’t even get off at all because there was no sensation left in my clit. Eventually I discovered rumblier vibes and found out that if a toy is good, you can usually just leave it in one spot and let it do the work for you. The Little Chroma does not fall into this definition of a good toy: it desensitizes me alarmingly fast, and I have to rub it up and down against my body to get anywhere close to an orgasm. This process also takes a lot longer than getting off with virtually any other toy.

Lie #2: Waterproof. With most waterproof toys, you can set them down on the side of the bathtub, settle into your bath, get comfy, and then grab your toy and have a nice orgasm with it. This isn’t possible with the Little Chroma, despite its claims of being waterproof.

See, the Little Chroma is only waterproof when the toy’s battery chamber is screwed shut – makes sense, right? – but when the battery chamber is screwed shut, the toy is on. There is no “off” button; you just unscrew the cap to turn it off. So when it’s off, it’s not waterproof – and when it’s waterproof, it’s always on. It has to be on the entire time you’re near water or you risk ruining your $125 toy. I cannot overemphasize how irritating this is.

Lie #3: Quiet. Don’t get me wrong – the Little Chroma is reasonably quiet when it’s actually in use. But when you’re twisting the cap (which, remember, is every time you want to turn the vibe on or off for any reason), it becomes loud, like a tiny little buzzsaw.

So picture this: your roommate comes home unexpectedly, or your mom suddenly knocks on your door while you’re masturbating, and you have to turn off your vibrator in a hurry. Not only does it take several seconds to twist the cap to the “off” position, but the vibrator also becomes weirdly loud while you’re doing this. If your intruder didn’t know you were masturbating before, they will certainly know when you slowly and loudly attempt to turn the toy off. Discreet? Nope. Not in the slightest.

Lie #4: Worth the price. The Little Chroma costs $125. You also have to pay for the AA batteries it uses, and an additional $20 for each additional replacement motor if the first one dies. For that much money, here’s what I think you ought to be able to expect from a vibrator: at least 5 speeds, rechargeability, full waterproofness, and easy orgasms. The Little Chroma delivers on none of these things.

True, the Little Chroma was designed at a time when expectations for luxury vibes weren’t really established yet and when consumers were still setting the bar pretty low for what a vibrator should do. But if we’re viewing this from a 2014 paradigm, the Little Chroma is a colossal waste of $125+. You’d be far better off spending that money on a Lelo Mia 2 (stronger, many more settings and speeds, rechargeable, waterproof) or a We-Vibe Tango (way stronger, 4 speeds, rechargeable, waterproof, super quiet) – hell, you could even get both of those, because even put together, they’re still only $25 more than the Little Chroma. And way, way, way better in every conceivable way.

Here’s what Jimmyjane should do: make the Little Chroma rechargeable, give it a much stronger and rumblier motor, turn its twist-off cap into a twist-dial speed controller, and make it actually waterproof. That could make it one of the best vibes on the market – but I doubt it’ll ever happen.

The Best and Worst Toys of 2013

Kate Sloan

It’s that time, folks! Here are my favorite and least favorite toys I reviewed this year (some of which actually launched this year, some of which didn’t)…

Best G-spot dildo: Without a doubt, the Jopen Key Comet Wand. This silicone/glass hybrid launched early in the year and knocked the socks off most sex toy reviewers who tried it, myself included. It produces shockingly intense G-spot sensations and looks gorgeous all the while. (Available at Sex Toys Canada and Early to Bed.)

Best glass dildo: The SSA Glass Royal Adventure. Glass toys can be hit-or-miss, because a shitty design can make for a very uncomfortable or even painful toy – but the Royal Adventure suffers from none of these issues. Its corkscrew-like texture massages my vaginal walls and its slightly bulging head feels lovely on my G-spot. (Sadly no longer available; these are similar: Icicles no. 5, Mr. Swirly, Pink Swirled Delight.)

Best realistic dildo: The VixSkin Maverick. I finally got around to trying this one after worrying for months about whether or not my vagina would be able to accommodate it, and I surprised myself with my vaginal proficiency! The Maverick is an ultra-satisfying monster of a dildo, with a G-spot-pleasing mega-sized coronal ridge. It wears well in a harness, too! (Available at Lovehoney.)

Best vibrator: The Lelo Mona 2. I haven’t reviewed this one yet, but it was, without a doubt, the best vibrator of the year. Strong, rumbly, rechargeable, waterproof, quiet, versatile, elegant, and ergonomic. If you can only afford one vibrator, get this one. (Available at SheVibe, Sex Toys Canada, and Lovehoney.)

Best sex toy innovation: The Fun Factory Stronic Eins. There are no other toys on the market that pulsate like the Stronic line, though I’m sure there will be by this time next year, given the success of these toys. The Stronic Eins is the ultimate in lazy masturbation and is a dream come true for folks who fantasize about PIV sex. And it comes in an obnoxiously bright pink hue. (Available at Sex Toys Canada, Early to Bed and Lovehoney.)

Best kink implement: The Tantus silicone paddles. My favorite is the Wham Bam but you’ll get a rollicking good time out of any one of them. (Available at Tantus, Peepshow and Lovehoney.)

Worst dildo: Indubitably the Joyful Pleasures Joyful Plant. I requested it knowing I wouldn’t like it, and naturally, I didn’t. I mean, it’s shaped like a tiny eggplant. At least now I have a cool story to tell when people ask me about the weirdest toy I’ve ever reviewed. (No longer available)

Worst vibrator: It was a bad year for vibrators. Very few high-end (i.e. body-safe and rechargeable or electric) vibes launched, and those that did were mostly shitty. But the ones I hated most out of all the vibes I reviewed this year were the Leaf Spirit and Fun Factory LayaSpot. They were too weak to get me off, and I didn’t like their color schemes much either. (Leaf Spirit available at Sex Toys Canada. Fun Factory LayaSpot available at Sex Toys Canada and Lovehoney.)

Worst butt toy: The Something Forbidden plug. Literally one of the worst toys I have ever reviewed, in terms of safety and design. My butt still fears it. (Available at SheVibe and Lovehoney.)

Worst sex toy innovation: Another one I haven’t reviewed yet – the Lelo Ida. You’ll have to wait for my full review to come out, but for now, just know that I literally screamed in pain the first time I used it. (Available at SheVibe.)

Worst kink implement: The Sportsheets Doggie-Style Strap. I’m sure it would be useful for some folks, but my boyfriend and I got no benefit out of it whatsoever. I might try to work it into a future outfit as a pink cummerbund. (Available at SheVibe.)

Aaaand that’s a wrap! I’m going to take a little blogging break until the new year, methinks – and then I’ll be back with more sex toy reviews and sexual musings in 2014!

What were your favorite (and least favorite) toys of the year? What do you hope to see next year?

Review: Tantus G-Spot

Kate Sloan

The Tantus G-Spot’s name is short and to-the-point. This is a G-spot toy and it’s made by Tantus. That’s all you really need to know in order to understand that this is a damn fine toy.

I was lucky enough to be sent a G-Spot in the glorious pearl white color (which has been discontinued, so act fast if you like it!). After oohing and aahing over the gorgeous, almost luminescent color, my first impression of the toy was that it’s bigger than I was expecting. It’s 1.7″ in diameter at its widest point (the bulgy head) and has a full 7″ of insertable length, though with the way it’s designed, you won’t be inserting all of those inches.

I’m actually surprised, as I write and research this review, to discover that the G-Spot’s diameter is 1.7″. If you’d asked me to guess based on vagina-feel alone, I’d’ve said 1.5″ – entry is sometimes a liiiittle uncomfortable without warm-up, but it feels filling and comfy once it’s in. I guess my vagina’s horizons are expanding?

The thickness of this toy is what gives it the firmness it needs to be a good G-spot stimulator. Flimsier silicone dildos, like the Charmer, often have so much squish that they feel almost wimpy, but the G-Spot is a tough, robust dildo. It’s up to the task.

Once I insert this dildo, it finds my G-spot immediately. No hassle, no fumbling around, no wondering if I’ve got it in the right place. Tantus always describes their toys as being “anatomically targeted” and this one absolutely is. That’s a feature that would make it great for partner play: just tell your partner to stick it in and thrust, and chances are, it’ll feel good.

I don’t thrust the G-Spot in wide motions; I keep it more-or-less in the same spot and sort of jiggle it in and out. The subtle swells and valleys on the toy’s shaft make this super easy and comfortable to do – again, very anatomically targeted.

The base is thick and sturdy, and I love that. I never lose hold of it while I’m in the moment.

And the head… oh god, that head. It is exactly what a G-spotting head should be shaped like: round and bulbous. It’s like a very large fingertip or a very small fist. Mmm mmm good.

This toy’s sensations aren’t quite as intense as those of the Pure Wand or Comet Wand, because of course, silicone isn’t as firm as steel or glass. But honestly, lately I’ve been noticing that G-spot play with super-firm toys doesn’t feel all that comfortable for me anymore – the need-to-pee sensation overpowers my pleasure and I find it hard to focus. If you feel similarly, you’ll probably like the Tantus G-Spot; it has all the G-spot-locating skill of those other toys but is a little gentler. This is the toy that has gotten me back into G-spot stimulation after avoiding it for a while out of discomfort.

If you want a Tantus G-Spot, you’re in luck: the white non-vibrating version is on closeout sale. Frankly, just about everyone could use another G-spot toy in their collection, and this one is so damn cheap and great that it’s a no-brainer.

Thanks, Tantus! You always treat me right!

Review: Sqweel Go

Kate Sloan

I am an oral sex fiend, so the Sqweel has always intrigued me. The latest iteration of this inventive cunnilingus simulator is called the Sqweel Go, and it fixes all the problems reviewers complained about with the original: it’s smaller, stronger, and rechargeable. It’s a great toy and I’m sure it will be well-received, but it just didn’t do the trick for me.

First off: the size. The original Sqweel was large enough that it made it impossible to use a dildo in conjunction with it, and that sucked, so I’m glad they fixed it. But the adorably tiny tongues of the Sqweel Go just don’t have the same impact on my clit that the bigger ones did. It’s like receiving cunnilingus from a pixie: a cute novelty, but ultimately ineffectual. More sensitive clits will enjoy the reprieve from traditional, pressure-friendly toys, but if you’re even slightly a power queen, I don’t think this’ll do it for ya.

See, I can have an orgasm from the Sqweel Go, but it doesn’t really feel like an orgasm. The tongues dance so lightly and quickly across my clit that it’s like the bare minimum amount of stimulation that could possibly get me off; the orgasms feel more like I’m floating off a cliff than leaping from it. The original Sqweel more-or-less replicated the profound orgasms I get from oral sex, but the sensations of the Sqweel Go pale in comparison.

The toy’s size contributes to this, and so does the pressure problem. You can’t press down on the Sqweel (any Sqweel). As soon as the tongues encounter any resistance, they slow or stop. And as someone who directs my boyfriend to squeeze my clit rhythmically with his lips when I reach orgasm, I find that I need that pressure – if not during the build-up, then certainly during the orgasm itself. So the climaxes I experience from the Sqweel Go tend to be disappointing and unsatisfying. Bummer.

In sectors other than sensation and size, I don’t perceive a whole lot of difference between this Sqweel and the previous ones. It’s USB-rechargeable, which I guess is better than batteries, but hasn’t had much of an effect on the toy’s power as far as I can tell. It’s quieter, because it’s smaller. It still has three patterns and they still disappoint me (too many pauses in between “licks”). It’s conveniently pocket-sized, but I’m not sure I’ll encounter a situation in which I’ll actually want to carry it around in my pocket.

I think I’ve matured as a reviewer, because this is a toy that has given me several orgasms and yet I’m able to say that I don’t like it and articulate why. It can sometimes be confusing when that happens – your brain, swathed in yummy post-orgasmic neurotransmitters, wants you to like whatever got you off – but when said orgasms are as literally anticlimactic as the ones I get from the Sqweel Go, it’s hard to feel appreciative.

Review: Icicles no. 6

Kate Sloan

Glass toys are such a weird change from other materials when you haven’t used one before, or when (like me) it’s been a while since you’ve used one. They can feel unyielding and uncomfortable, like they’re infiltrating your insides instead of gently slipping into you.

I had that experience with the Icicles no. 6 initially: it awkwardly pressed my NuvaRing into my vaginal wall, bumped my cervix constantly, and generally felt like a bit of an assault.

However, then I had the bright idea to get turned on first. I had forgotten how important this is when using glass toys, or any other kind of super-firm toy. Especially for those of us who, like me, have a somewhat weak-hearted vagina.

This dildo is suuuper long – 7 inches, in fact. Part of that is because it’s harness-compatible and has smartly factored in the inch you often lose when you put a dildo in a harness. But if you’re not using it that way, it can seem intimidatingly long. I can only fit about two-thirds of it inside my short-ish vagina; even at maximum arousal, I can only get it in up to the first ring, so my vag doesn’t get the benefit of that particular texture.

I do get to feel the little nubs, though, and they are fun. In fact, they’re the reason I requested this dildo from Sensual Intelligence: I had never tried a glass toy with that texture before. The modest 1.4" diameter of this dildo makes the nubs a subtle sensation, not an overpowering one. They just provide a little bit of scritchy friction against my vaginal walls that is surprisingly lovely.

The dildo’s head is flared a little bit, as any good dildo’s head should be, if you ask me. It’s too narrow to stimulate my G-spot with any intensity, but if I angle it just right, it can get all up in my A-spot like a champ. Y’all know that I basically live for A-spot stimulation, and this dildo manages to provide it while also gently stroking my walls with its nubblies, so it gets a big gold star from me in terms of sensation (provided I can keep it from bumping into my cervix, which takes a little practice).

Some people have reported that the paint on Icicles toys tends to flake off. The Icicles line is made by Pipedream, a company known for its shitty toys – so yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if paint was coming off in people’s orifices. Personally I haven’t noticed that with this toy, but I can see that the pink parts are painted on the surface (messily, too!) rather than being embedded in the toy like they ought to be, so I am a little concerned. If you want an Icicles toy without the risk of paint problems, try their clear rippled dildo.

While the Icicles no. 6 obviously isn’t perfect (nothing by Pipedream is), it has produced some pretty intense orgasms for me because of its A-spot access and firm feeling. Just make sure you warm up before you use it!