Sex Toy Reviews

My Night With a Sex Doll (the Tantaly Mark)!

Kate Sloan

As I strolled back home from a great comedy show last night, I had a spring in my step. I’d just shared some laughs with pals, the weather was beautiful, and I had a date with a sex doll.

This date was a long time coming. I’ve collaborated with sex doll company Tantaly on a number of reviews before, but I’ve always outsourced the testing, because the brand always wanted to highlight their most popular products: dolls with tits and a pussy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate tits and a pussy as much as the next bisexual – but I don’t have the anatomy required to actually fuck that type of doll, which is, of course, the expected usage of a fuck-doll.

In the course of doing those Tantaly reviews, I’ve managed to hook up three penis-possessing people in my life with a free sex doll, in exchange for letting me pick their brain about the experience for my review (or in one case, the person actually wrote the review himself – you should read it, it’s hilarious!). But sex dolls are the type of product that you typically wouldn’t want or need multiples of, especially if you live in a small apartment – so none of my testers were willing to test another doll, and there wasn’t really anyone else who I’d trust enough to give this responsibility to. (It might sound odd to describe sticking your dick in something as a “responsibility,” but my reputation and income would legitimately be on the line if a tester ghosted me after receiving their doll, so I have to be choosy about them!)

All this to say: When Tantaly reached out again recently to ask about another collab, I told them that at this point, I’d only be able to review a doll if I could test it myself… which meant it would have to be a doll with a dick. And guess what? They sent me one. His name is Mark. He’s actually lying in my bed right now as I write this. He’d probably be smoking a post-coital cigarette, if not for the fact that he has no head. Let me tell you about our date night!

Specs ‘n’ stuff

I want to get the technical shit out of the way up top, because frankly it feels weird to write about this doll like it’s just another sex toy, even though it literally is. But damn, it’s eerily humanoid. I mean, I know that’s the point, but I was really thrown by how much my brain wanted to categorize the doll as a person immediately. I full-body cringed from uncanny-valley weirdness when I unboxed Mark and looked at him lying there, so lifeless and subdued – except for his perpetually raging hard-on, which arched up out of his styrofoam coffin like a phoenix rising from the ashes – and yet so lifelike. I kept saying “Excuse me, sir” as I (wo)manhandled him into different positions, the same way I sometimes catch myself saying “Please” and “Thank you” to Siri. (You can take the girl out of Canada, but…)

The Mark doll is lifelike but not exactly life-sized; even accounting for its lack of a head/arms/legs, it’s still proportionately maybe two-thirds the size of your average dude. It’s 23.5″ tall, from its cut-off neck to the bottom of its cut-off thighs. But I would say that the doll’s most impactful measurement is actually its weight, because hoo boy is this thing ever heavy (33.7 lbs). To be fair, I have a chronic illness that impacts muscle strength, and I’m also just an out-of-shape weakling, but weight is a frequent complaint about sex dolls in general, even for people with actual muscle. These dolls do require a certain amount of heft so they can stay anchored in place when you’re fucking them/riding them – and they do that very well! – but I found it challenging to move the doll around at all. In fact, after coming, I was so tired that I barely managed to shove the doll over in bed so I could fall asleep beside him (and yes, it was a bit of a jump-scare waking up next to a headless man the next morning).

The Mark comes with a storage case, which has straps to make it easier to carry around – nice touch! There’s even a zippered pocket on the outside which is very roomy – you could easily fit a Magic Wand Rechargeable, big dildo, and full-size bottle of lube in there, no problem, with room left over for condoms or cock rings or whatever else you’re bringing to the hypothetical sex doll orgy you’re apparently jetsetting to in this scenario.

Except for its metal frame structure, the entire doll is made of TPE (thermoplastic elastomer), which has some big pros and some big cons that I’ll get into below. This doll costs $400 USD or $500 CAD. In addition to its lovely dick, it also has a fuckable ass with a textured interior; the doll comes with a moisture-absorbing stick to help speed up the drying process after you wash his butt out (what a phrase!), but as mentioned, I don’t have a dick with which to penetrate this thing, so I didn’t test out its butt beyond giving it a little slap or two, ’cause, y’know, when in Rome…

Too real, man

I’d never personally unboxed a torso before. I’d seen other people unbox them, in videos and on FaceTime calls, but it’s an odd experience to actually do it yourself. I was laughing, cringing and squealing as I lifted Mark out of the little styrofoam bed he came in – because he looked and felt somehow both very real and not real at all.

Certainly his physique doesn’t resemble many that I’ve seen in the wild, but the texture and appearance of his skin is quite lifelike, if a bit unnaturally cold to the touch. (Just imagine you’re fucking one of the Twilight vampires, it’s fine.) One nice thing about TPE is that it can indeed feel impressively skin-like on the surface – but this TPE formulation feels oddly soft for this particular application. Truly not trying to body-shame here, only to doll-shame, but in my limited experience touching super-muscly bodies like Mark‘s, they are quite a bit firmer than this. It’s especially strange in the chest region; I’m used to being able to leverage some of my weight against someone’s chest as I ride them, but my fist sinks into Mark like memory foam, which was a tad bit unsettling mid-bang.

But overall, it was an interesting experience for me psychologically to get my hands all over this doll, objectifying him, flipping him over, touching his junk, etc. It made me really aware of how inhibited I feel when touching human partners – there’s the constant anxiety, however low-level, that I might do a bad job, hurt them somehow, or look like I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t have to worry about any of that with the doll, so I was able to follow my in-the-moment desires without hesitation, tweaking a nipple here, smacking some balls there, running a palm along Mark‘s rubbery six-pack, and just basically being an unabashed perv. This ultra-toned body type isn’t what I’m usually drawn to – if Tantaly ever makes a sex doll with a lanky nerd bod or a cuddly dad bod, I’m so there – but I enjoyed the way it encouraged me to foreground my desires and my “female gaze,” like a Magic Mike movie.

Does yr girl know how to shoot a cock portrait or what?

Cock ‘n’ balls

Shout-out to those of you who scrolled down to this section immediately; I see you 😉

As you might imagine, this doll’s dick is spectacular, at least visually. (My wife didn’t think so, though; she took one look at it and immediately said, “What a weird dick! And the rest of him just looks like a woman!” – which I hadn’t really considered, but I guess Mark‘s pecs, nipples, and hourglassy shape have a certain Greek-statue-esque androgyny to them that probably makes this an especially suitable doll for me, a noted bisexual…)

But let’s get down to brass tacks: cock measurements. The insertable length is slightly over 6″, while its widest circumference is 5.75″, which works out to a diameter of about 1.8″. (And yes, I reflexively apologized to him out loud as I held a tape measure to his dick.)

Tantaly has done something similar here to what companies like Vixen Creations and Tantus do with dual-density silicone: this cock has a firm core, with a squishier outer layer on top, to create a realistically boner-like feeling. But in Mark‘s case, the firm core is part of the doll’s metal frame structure, and the outer layer is the same soft TPE that the rest of the doll is made out of.

And therein lies the rub (and tug): TPE is not the right material for this dick (or for any dick, frankly). It should be made out of silicone instead (like that of the Tantaly Mark Pro doll, of which more below). TPE is porous, meaning it clings onto some amount of bacteria no matter how well you wash it. So, while I really enjoyed sucking Mark’s cock for a while (after taking a damp washcloth to it, to wipe away any bitter chemicals remaining from the production process), I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so anymore after he’d been used a few times, because the thought of the bacteria would gross me out. I likewise wouldn’t be able to sanitize his dick if, for instance, I wanted to use it anally and then vaginally, or wanted to share it with a partner I’m not fluid-bonded with, or wanted to avoid re-infecting myself after a bout of BV. I could put a new condom on it every time, sure, but it’d be annoying to have to do that, especially with such an expensive toy.

There’s another reason I wish Mark’s dick wasn’t made of TPE: it’s too soft! Now, look, this is a body-positive blog, and I certainly don’t mean to boner-shame… but in real life, if someone is having erectile difficulties, we can just switch to activities that don’t require a hard-on. This doll has no such capacity – he has no tongue, no fingers, no purple vibrating strap-on – and so, let’s face it, his dick is what he brings to the table. As such, it surprised me that his cock is so soft and squishy that it’s actually difficult to get it inside me, in a way that reminds me of that old Rodney Dangerfield joke about “shooting pool with a rope.”

I also just… couldn’t feel his dick very strongly as I was riding it, despite its moderate size, A-spotty curve, and firm core. I wanted to feel well-and-truly fucked, but it felt more like my insides were being gently massaged – nice, sure, but not orgasmic. I ended up nudging the doll aside in bed so I could lie down and get myself off “the old-fashioned way,” i.e. with a dildo and vibe. (I have, of course, linked to the actual toys I actually used, because I know I would be curious about that if I was reading this!)

All hope is not lost, however: Tantaly also makes a doll called the Mark Pro, which comes with three differently-sized removable silicone penises (!!!), making it not only more hygienic but also more versatile. The jump in price between the Mark and Mark Pro is $90 USD, which buys you three nice silicone dildos and some peace of mind, at the very least, so I’d say it’s worth it!

Regarding my own doll’s all-TPE genitals, though, one upside is that his balls look and feel very realistic, in a way that I found hot and weirdly transfixing… probably because I have often been wary of hurting partners’ balls if I touch them too zealously, so it was a fun novelty to be able to slap some balls around without fear of causing pain or permanent damage.

Sir, this is a Wendy’s

Was it good for you?

“Cowgirl” position (i.e. me on top) was the only one that seemed practical for my purposes. Mark is too heavy for me to comfortably place him on top of me in a missionary-style position, I’m not flexible enough for many other positions, and the very idea of backing up onto a doll’s dick in doggie-style is giving me pre-emptive thigh cramps just thinking about it.

Cowgirl isn’t a position I tend to favor in my sex life, because I lack the strength in my knees and hips to really accomplish the up-and-down motion that people with penises tend to prefer. But I’m much more able to sustain a smaller range of motion that, were I to do it with a human, would probably be more for my own pleasure than theirs, rubbing the head of their dick back and forth over my A-spot in short strokes and maybe grinding my clit against their pubic bone at the same time. Naturally, though, with a sex doll I was able to fully prioritize my own pleasure without having to consider what might feel best for someone else, and it was fun to experiment with different ways to ride a cock. (If PETA wants to update the “ways to skin a cat” idiom, I nominate that as a contender.)

Although it was fun to center my own pleasure in the way I rode the insensate Mark, my arousal only really kicked into gear once I started imagining he could feel pleasure, could experience desire and arousal and frenzied lust. I fantasized that the doll awoke into sentience (let’s disregard its horrifying headlessness for the purposes of this scenario) and discovered, to its surprise, that a cute gal (hi) was riding its dick, and that this was intensely pleasurable. I’ve employed similar fantasies in toy-testing sessions before, usually imagining that a dildo I’m testing has become sentient and sensate – but Mark’s humanoid torso added significantly to this fantasy for me. It was like an adult version of Pinocchio’s “I’m a real boy” moment… Peen-occhio? Is that anything?

Ultimately though, I was not able to reach orgasm with Mark, even when I used an ol’ faithful clit vibe while riding him. His dick just didn’t feel hard enough to contribute meaningfully to my pleasure – which annoyed me, because you literally had one job, dude. If Mark was a Ken doll, his job would be dick. But I’m not sure he’s a great fit for the position.

Nonetheless: Man oh man, I had so much fun testing out the Tantaly Mark. It’s definitely the most humanoid product I’ve ever reviewed in my 13+ years in this industry, and it was fascinating to observe how that affected my arousal, my fantasies, and even the way I addressed the doll in my own mind (he/it pronouns, baybee!).

I think a lot of people would really enjoy this doll, especially if they plan on making use of his ass in ways that I could not, so as to get their full money’s worth. As for me, call me shallow, but the dick was all I cared about – and it just wasn’t firm enough to give me the ramming I wanted, plus it’s made of a porous material. [sad trombone]

The Mark Pro is a really cool product, though, because it’s Mark with a dick you can detach and sanitize as needed. I haven’t felt its dick(s) myself, so I don’t know how the firmness compares to the TPE version – but if it was firmer, I think I’d have a much easier time coming all over it. And just think: If I found myself saying “Sorry” and “Excuse me” while just moving him around, I wonder what I’d say to him in the throes of an orgasm…

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Lovense Ferri panty vibrator

Kate Sloan

When mega-popular sex toy company Lovense asked me to review their Ferri panty vibe recently, I thought, Wait… Haven’t I already reviewed that?! – but apparently I have not! I have written about it countless times for various publications, though, because I’ve adored it for years – so I was glad to have the opportunity to tell you about it in more detail here!

Spoiler alert: this is one of those very rare reviews where I have almost nothing negative to say at all about the product. As they say in showbiz: “No notes!”

Gratuitous underwear pics for some reason; you’re welcome

What is the Lovense Ferri?

Ever wanted to use a vibrator secretly in public, while someone else controls it from their phone? I certainly have! Many sex toy companies have attempted to make a hands-free vibrator for this type of use-case. This is perhaps one of the most difficult types of vibrators to design and engineer (at least, that would be my educated guess as a critic-but-not-maker of sex toys), because they have to be comfortable, stable once situated, quiet, and easy to control surreptitiously (usually via a smartphone app or an included remote) – not to mention, powerful and pleasurable!

Some of these toys require some degree of penetration, like We-Vibe-style toys or Lovense’s own Lush. Personally, I tend to prefer an option that’s all external and doesn’t require any penetration – not only because clitoral stimulation is what gives me most of my pleasure anyway, but also because my vag will eventually start to get sore if I keep something inside there while I’m sitting, walking around, etc. for hours on end, even if I slip away to a bathroom to re-lube periodically.

The Ferri solves this problem neatly. It’s a small vibrator that you tuck into your panties (or any other close-fitting style of underwear); it’s contoured to cup the vulva beautifully, curving along the mons and onto the clit. (Folks with penises seeking a vibe for hands-free use might consider the Gush.) Most cleverly, a separate magnet comes with the Ferri, which you can affix to the outside of your underwear, holding the vibe in place. You can then control the vibe via Bluetooth using the Lovense app (available for iOS, Android, Mac, and PC). While the Ferri obviously doesn’t have to be used in public, that is where it shines, and where the cleverness of its many features becomes most evident. Let’s talk about ’em…

Ferri + magnet clip

Things I like about the Lovense Ferri:

  • The Lovense app is just so fucking cool, and so well-designed. I praise it every time I review a Lovense toy, because it really is that good – and it’s the reason I always recommend Lovense products when people ask me about long-distance sex toys. In the app, you can use sliders to precisely control your vibe yourself, or invite someone else to control it from near or far; you can craft your own vibration patterns, loop them, or try out patterns that other people have designed; you can make your vibe vary based on the music/sound levels in the room you’re in, or respond in real-time to interactive videos or video games; you can even set an alarm and get woken up by vibration. Other companies have attempted to do what Lovense is doing, but none so effectively (at least none that I’ve tried), not only because their app is so robustly designed but also because their toys’ connectivity is way more consistent than that of other brands.
  • The vibrations are sufficiently rumbly, with a wide range of intensities that get plenty strong enough for me on the high end. In my view, a vibrator has to be rumbly to be successful in a public teasing scene, because you’re typically going to keep the vibrator in exactly the same spot for several minutes at a time, and buzzier vibrations would just numb you out – whereas rumbly ones continue to feel pleasurable for way longer. I think I could actually get off with this vibe in public, if not for my pesky social anxiety – but I can definitely get off with it in private, especially with the addition of some kind of rhythm or pressure from squeezing my thighs together (or having someone grind their thigh against my vulva…).
  • The Ferri is shaped excellently to target my clit, and I imagine many other people’s clits as well. Its gentle curve presses into my clit easily, and its ribbed texture gives me something to grind against if I rock back and forth slightly in my seat (water-based or oil-based lube makes this more pleasurable).
  • The magnet is really, really strong, so the vibe stays affixed to my underwear even as I walk around. On the rare occasions when it loses contact with my clit, it’s always because my underwear itself has shifted, not because the vibe has – and it’s easy to surreptitiously nudge it back into place under the table if I’m sitting at a restaurant or bar.
  • While I wouldn’t call it silent by any means, the Ferri is a pretty quiet vibrator, and it likely wouldn’t be audible at all in a noisy public environment like a bar or club. Just be careful when you sit down on a hard surface, like a metal chair or wooden barstool; the vibe might clatter against it, depending on how you’re sitting.
  • The Ferri lasts an impressive 3 hours and 15 minutes on an hour-long charge. On standby mode (i.e. connected to your phone via Bluetooth, but not vibrating yet), the Ferri can last up to 100 hours. I particularly appreciate long battery lives and short charging times when it comes to public-play toys, because you might impulsively decide to grab one as you dash out the door for a dinner date, and it sucks to discover that it’s dead. Even if it is dead, you can plug it in for a few minutes while you brush your teeth, get dressed, etc. and it’ll have enough juice for an evening tryst by the time you’re ready to go.
  • It’s waterproof, which makes it super easy to clean… and also means that you can keep on vibin’ even if you get caught in a torrential downpour on your way home from dinner. Alleyway makeout in the rain while a vibe pulses in your panties, anyone?

Things I don’t like about the Lovense Ferri:

  • The only complaint I have about this toy is that the Lovense app randomly logs me out of my account more often than I’d prefer (maybe like once every 2-3 months), which sometimes leads to an annoying horny scramble to find my login information when I really just want to get off (or let someone else get me off). Not sure what causes this, but even my app-developer wife gets annoyed by it, so it’s gotta be fixable, right?!

Final thoughts

A while ago, a friend texted me asking for sex toy advice. He wanted to buy his partner a panty vibe, had a few options in mind, and wanted my opinion on which was best. Without hesitation, I said, “Just get the Lovense Ferri.”

I really do think it’s the best panty vibe on the market right now, and I say that as someone who used to be a hater about the entire panty-vibe genre. This vibe actually gets it right, and has shown me that surreptitious public scenes can be fun, hot, and easy – rather than being a technological nightmare where you lose your boner from frustration after the third time you have to reconnect the Bluetooth!

It’s not often that I feel like doing a scene in public, but when I do, I tend to reach for either one of my Njoy Pure Plugs, an Uberrime vaginal plug, or the Lovense Ferri. They never let me down!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Hello Nancy Avo clitoral massager

Kate Sloan

Two things which we millennials apparently love, at least if the press releases in my inbox are to be believed: avocados, and pressure-wave sex toys.

I’m certainly not beating those allegations; I use pressure-wave toys semi-regularly, and I’m one of the many millennials who eats avocado toast but doesn’t own a house. (Hmm, doesn’t it seem like, if wages had kept up with inflation, more of us could comfortably afford both, and no one would have to write shamey thinkpieces about it? 🤔 Ah well…)

Anyway, economy gripes aside, today I’m reviewing a toy that combines both these millennial staples into one green little gadget: the Hello Nancy Avo clitoral massager. Like their lemon-shaped Lem, which I reviewed yesterday, this toy is cute, unusual-looking, and surprisingly powerful for its petite size. It’s so similar to the Lem, in fact, that I’m going to compare the two throughout this piece.

Ways in which the Avo and Lem are more-or-less the same:

  • Both are pressure-wave clitoral massagers, meaning they stimulate the tip of the clitoris with rhythmic air waves.
  • Both are made of matte, smooth silicone.
  • Both have 10 modes/settings, although the modes themselves are different (more on that below).
  • Both have a soft-edged silicone “mouth” that is just under half an inch in diameter, so they’re best-suited for people with small-to-medium clits (and I wouldn’t recommend them for people who’ve experienced bottom growth due to testosterone).
  • Both are IPX7 waterproof, so you can wash ’em in the sink and use ’em in the shower or bath if you want to.
  • Both come in totally adorable packaging, with a silky pink storage bag for the toy.

Ways in which the Avo is better than the Lem:

  • I like the avocado-y shape, and found it easier to hold onto than the lemon shape, even with my chronically sore hands. I also found that the avocado shape stayed in place better when I’d briefly use it hands-free (like while finding more porn clips to watch on my phone), which is a definite plus for me.
  • Additionally, I think this shape would be better suited for using during PIV sex than the rounder Lem. The Avo could even fit into missionary-position sex without much trouble. It’s about the same size as something like a Satisfyer Penguin, but shaped even better to fit between bodies.
  • The Avo feels noticeably more powerful than the Lem, so it may be better appreciated by people who enjoy intense stimulation. That being said, its pressure waves feel buzzier than those of the Lem – more on that below – so it’s ultimately less pleasurable for me, despite being stronger.
  • The lowest speed of the Avo is actually low, unlike the Lem which starts off a bit aggressive for my liking. I appreciate being able to start at a lower intensity and work my way up as I get more aroused (although this would be easier to do if there were more steady speeds; see below).
  • I tend to stick with steady speeds rather than patterns, but the patterns on the Avo are significantly better than the patterns on the Lem. There’s less space in between pulses, and the rhythms are more consistent. People who enjoy patterns might actually like these!

Ways in which the Lem is better than the Avo:

  • Most crucially: the Lem’s pressure-waves feel a lot rumblier and more clitorally impactful than the Avo’s. My clit just kind of zones out/numbs out after a few minutes with the Avo, whereas the Lem feels engagingly rumbly through all of its settings. For this reason, I was able to reach orgasm with the Lem but not with the Avo.
  • The Lem has 4 steady speeds and 6 patterns, whereas the Avo has only 3 steady speeds, followed by 7 patterns. I’m not sure of the reason for this difference, but in any case, 3-4 steady speeds is not enough gradation for me; my preference is 8-10.
  • The Lem ($89 USD/$120 CAD) is cheaper than the Avo ($99 USD/$140 CAD), although I’m not sure why – and frankly, I think both are a bit overpriced. Pressure-wave toys at this price point usually have flashier features to justify their high cost, like Womanizer’s “Autopilot mode” or the multiple different-sized clitoral attachments that come with some Womanizer toys.
  • Despite being repeatedly described by the brand as “whisper-quiet,” the Avo is one of the louder pressure-wave toys I’ve tried. The Lem is a much more reasonable volume by comparison.
  • The Lem lasts 2 hours on a 90-minute charge, whereas the Avo only lasts 90 minutes on a 90-minute charge.

Final thoughts

In general, I think the sunny yellow Lem is the better toy of the two. It feels better, can get me off, and its aesthetic appeals to me more. The higher-pitched “buzziness” of the Avo‘s pressure-waves will work for some people, but I think most folks would dig the Lem more.

In general I struggle to say that Hello Nancy’s toys are worth the splurge, since they don’t quite deliver sensation-wise in the way I’d expect for a pressure-wave toy at this price point – but as I noted in yesterday’s review, sometimes a toy’s aesthetic makes it worth the extra cash. Sex toys are meant to bring you pleasure, and many people find it easier to seek and justify self-pleasure if they’re using a toy with an aesthetic that makes their heart sing. Maybe some of my fellow avocado-obsessed millennials are swooning over the Avo as they read this!

As for me, though… I think I’ll keep my avocados on my toast, and not on my vulva. 🥑😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Hello Nancy Lem clitoral massager

Kate Sloan

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. And when life gives you a lemon-shaped vibrator, you… squirt? I dunno. We’ll workshop the tagline.

This is the Lem clitoral massager by Hello Nancy, and its sweet-‘n’-sour aesthetic impressed me right out of the box – but did it have the juice I needed? Let’s discuss…

What is the Hello Nancy Lem?

This toy massages your clit with rhythmic air waves, just like Womanizers, Satisfyers, and their ilk. It has 4 steady speeds and 6 patterns. It’s made of silicone, and lasts about 2 hours on a 90-minute charge.

Oh yeah, and it’s shaped like a lemon, which is fun.

Things I like about the Hello Nancy Lem:

  • The pressure waves this toy produces are impressively rumbly, strong, and pleasurable! I enjoy them a lot, when the toy’s nozzle is positioned on my clitoral hood (more on that below). They build arousal quickly for me, and they stay rumbly-feeling even as I get more turned on and increase the intensity. I was able to reach orgasm easily and consistently with this toy, with or without additional penetrative stimulation like a dildo or butt plug.
  • The Lem’s nozzle has soft, rounded, flexible silicone edges that are comfortable in use and allow it to form a good seal around my clit, which can nonetheless be easily broken when I want to reposition the toy.
  • I wasn’t sure how I would feel about the lemon shape in use, but it works better than I thought: the silicone has enough grippiness that I can keep ahold of it even when my hands are a bit lubey, and I can place a fingertip on the pointed end of the lemon to angle/guide it when needed. It might be too bulky to fit between bodies for sex in the missionary position, but positions can be adapted, and it’s certainly smaller than something like a wand or even a standard-sized Womanizer.
  • It’s not often that I comment on a sex toy’s packaging or branding, because I don’t generally consider those things terribly important – but Hello Nancy knocked it out of the park with theirs. The toy came gorgeously presented in a pink and yellow box, along with a pink storage bag and an “instruction manual” printed on the backs of what appears to be stylized tarot cards. These are all such beautiful touches, and could make an aesthetically-conscious newbie feel more excited to try a sex toy for the first time, so I love ’em.
  • The Lem is IPX7 waterproof, meaning you can wash it in the sink or use it in the shower/bath without fear of ruining it.

Things I don’t like about the Hello Nancy Lem:

  • My issue with the Lem is the same issue I have with like 80% of pressure-wave toys: the nozzle is so small that it only covers the very tip of my clit, which is the most sensitive part and therefore the part most prone to overstimulation or discomfort if touched too intensely. There are no speeds low enough on the Lem for that to feel comfortable for me, so I use it exclusively on my clitoral hood or through my inner labia instead, stimulating my clit indirectly – but this isn’t how the toy was meant to be used, so it sometimes slides around, breaks its seal, etc. This push-and-pull between overstimulation and understimulation is a frequent problem for me with pressure-wave toys and makes orgasms less satisfying than they otherwise might be.
  • The Lem only has one button – you hold it down to turn the toy on or off, and short-press it to change modes. This system is inconvenient for those of us who like to increase and decrease the intensity of a toy over the course of a session, as you have to cycle through all 10 modes to get back to the first one. The button itself is also difficult to locate and press, as it’s embedded under the Nancy logo – a cute aesthetic choice, for sure, but not a very practical one.
  • There are only 4 steady speeds, followed by 6 patterns. Most of the patterns are far too inconsistent for me to ever want to use them. Dear toymakers: if you must equip your toys with pattern modes, please make most of them consistently rhythmic and with only brief pauses between moments of stimulation. Anyone who wants a frustrating tease can provide it themselves by simply turning the toy off mid-use and throwing it out the window.
  • $89 USD/$120 CAD feels steep for such a simple toy: one function, 10 modes (most of which I’d never really use, because they’re patterns).

Final thoughts

The Hello Nancy Lem is a fruity li’l cutie of a clit massager – lovely and satisfying, if perhaps a tad overpriced. Is a sweet aesthetic worth paying extra for? In the world of fashion, typically I’d say YES (while lobbing my wallet in your general direction), but when it comes to sex toys, I’m not sure. I think it’s a very personal decision, and if the Lem’s sunny yellow look makes your heart sing, then you should follow your bliss! I certainly prefer this lemon over the much more played-out rose toys I’m seeing everywhere these days.

I found the Lem overstimulating when used as intended, applied to my clit head-on – but even that speaks well of it, since many pressure-wave toys are sadly underpowered and this sure ain’t one of ’em. I wish that some differently-sized nozzle attachments were offered, as with some Womanizers, so that those of us with picky clits could try out a few different options to see what feels best.

But overall, I think the Lem is totally adorable and surprisingly enjoyable. It’s definitely the first time a lemon has made me come…

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Seekheart G-Spot Slap

Kate Sloan
*slaps roof of sex toy* this bad boy can fit so many fucking flapping tongues in it

Be honest: How willing would you be to have sex with someone, if you knew that their signature move was called the “G-spot slap”?

You can understand, then, why I was somewhat trepidatious to review the pithily-named Seekheart G-Spot Slap… but it’s actually a pretty interesting toy with some unusual functions that set it apart from other dual-stimulation vibrators. Let’s talk about it!

Gif via Seekheart

What is the Seekheart G-Spot Slap?

This toy features two main functions:

  1. The titular G-spot-slapping! This toy’s internal/vaginal arm has a long, noodle-shaped piece of silicone positioned inside a little alcove, so that it flicks back and forth rapidly when its vibrations are turned on, “slapping” your G-spot (as well as your posterior vaginal wall) on each stroke.
  2. A “mouth,” meant to stimulate your clit, with a tongue that vibrates and “licks” up and down, and lips that move back and forth in sucking-esque motion (although it doesn’t produce actual suction – more on that later).

This toy is made of silicone and ABS plastic. It’s IPX6 water-resistant, meaning it can stand up to high-pressure water streams from any direction (like while being washed between uses) but shouldn’t be submerged in water. It lasts about an hour on a 2.5-hour charge, which is pretty typical for a multi-function toy like this.

Things I like about the Seekheart G-Spot Slap

  • There are many ways that sex toys attempt to imitate cunnilingus, from rhythmic air waves to suction to flappy silicone tongues; some are more effective than others, and I tend to prefer those which are motion-based, like the undulating “lips” of this toy, over the more stationary kind. Motion-based toys stimulate more of my clit (as opposed to just focusing on the tip), which is more satisfying and more authentically oral-like. To that end, I really liked how this toy could rhythmically massage my clitoral shaft with its lips in a way that very few other toys have managed to do. When well-lubed, it can even make me come (which I suppose is no surprise, given that I have an easier time coming with human partners when they suck my clit rather than licking it).
  • Unlike a lot of other motion-based toys, this one didn’t seem to slow down much when pressure was applied, or when my vag muscles squeezed around it. Hooray!
  • As violent as the word “slapping” might sound, in practice the G-spot slapping function pretty much just feels like vibration. It starts off rumbly-ish and gets buzzier as you turn it up, but adds a nice undercurrent of sensation that I enjoy. (I didn’t really notice any stimulation on my posterior vaginal wall, possibly because that’s just not a very sexually sensitive zone for me.)
  • The very tip of the toy’s internal arm also “taps” against the A-spot area when the flapping function is turned on. This function doesn’t seem to be mentioned anywhere on the G-Spot Slap’s website, but it’s there! I found that it seemed to vibrate the general vicinity of my A-spot, rather than intensely targeting the spot itself, though, so I’d look elsewhere if you’re hoping for a very A-spotty vibe.
  • Each of this toy’s two main functions can be controlled separately with its own button, so you can (for instance) crank up the power on the internal part while leaving the external part at the same setting, or vice-versa.
  • Further, the buttons are well-labelled and easy to locate, even in the dark, because they’re raised and they light up when the toy is on.
A-spot-tapping tip

Things I don’t like about the Seekheart G-Spot Slap

  • My main issue with this toy is that the lips don’t create suction and don’t apply much pressure… they just move back and forth, like someone open-mouth kissing your clit again and again. That feels good to a point, but just like when human partners do it, I tend to want a little more zeal once I get turned on, and this toy just can’t provide it. Any suction created by the lips’ motion is immediately broken as they continue to move. I was able to get off with this toy by holding it very firmly against my vulva to maintain clit contact as consistently as possible, but even then, the orgasm was hardly satisfying, because – again – there was no suction and very minimal pressure being applied to my clit while I came.
  • The “tongue” inside this toy’s “mouth” is quite pointy, rigid, straight, and uniform, which ultimately makes it feel pokier and far less pleasurable than, say, the more realistic tongue of the Seekheart Licker. To make matters worse, the vibrations conducted by this tongue are quite buzzy, and don’t add much (if at all) to the pleasure provided by the surrounding lips.
  • The mouth has 4 steady speeds followed by 6 patterns; the “slapper” has 3 steady speeds followed by 7 patterns. That is not enough steady speeds, especially since they start quite fast – it would’ve been nice to have several slower options as well. And also it’s irritating that you have to cycle through all the patterns to get back to the first speed.
  • The mouth function is distractingly noisy. When you first turn it on, it sounds like mechanical whirring. In use, it sounds more like somebody is grumbling against my vulva (rhythmically chanting something like “bubble bubble” or “rumble rumble,” to be specific!). Not exactly a mood-setter, unless you’ve got a mumblecore fetish.
  • Speaking of noise: Oddly enough, because this toy’s vaginal arm has a big cutout in the middle of it, it’ll induce the occasional queefing-type sound during use. This doesn’t bother me, and doesn’t cause me any discomfort or anything, but it might bug some users. On that note, the cutout itself also makes the toy minorly more annoying to clean than it would otherwise be, as does the mouth.
  • Unlike with some other dual-stim toys, there’s not really an easy way to use either function of this toy on its own if you wanted to. You can’t, for example, position the toy’s mouth on your clit without also inserting its vaginal arm (or at least, I couldn’t figure out a way to do so!). There isn’t enough flexibility in the shaft to allow for that.
  • At the time that I’m writing this, the G-Spot Slap is retailing for £43.99, which converts to about $58 USD or $81 CAD. I ultimately think that’s too pricey for the lackluster clit stim you get with this toy, at least if clit stim is important to you (which it is for most vulva-havers).

Final thoughts

I’m always saying how much I love it when sex toy companies take risks, creating innovative new ways to prompt pleasure – and the Seekheart G-Spot Slap does a bunch of stuff I haven’t seen elsewhere much, if at all, so I’ve gotta give the company kudos for pushing the envelope!

It mouths your clit with soft lips (“softer than men’s,” according to the Seekheart website!) while vibrating it with a tongue, albeit a pretty pointy one… and it also “slaps” your G-spot and A-spot with pleasing vibration, albeit without much precision. I wish its clitoral sensations were more intense and concentrated, but not every toy aims for intensity – and if the idea of having your clit sweetly kissed again and again is a turn-on for you, you should certainly consider the G-Spot Slap!

But as for me, I think I’ll stick to coming between human lips instead of mechanical ones, because they know me better and feel better – at least until the technology improves. 🤖😉

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As ever, all writing and opinions are my own.