Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Happy Valley Joe Rock

Kate Sloan

I’m kind of unhealthily in love with Happy Valley. Essentially the Canadian answer to Tantus, they make 100% silicone toys for butts and twats. My very first anal toy was by Happy Valley, and it has served me very well.

Despite all this, sadly, their Joe Rock plug just didn’t work out for me. In fact, I may have thrown the word “hate” around when I was tweeting about my experience with this toy. And “hate” isn’t a word I use lightly, especially in reference to sex toys.

I chose the Joe for a number of reasons: it’s Happy Valley, it comes in a bright shade of blue (my favorite), it’s a manageable 1 ¼" in girth (bigger than my beginner plug, but not as big as the bulbous Ryder), and it has a slightly tapered shape that makes it look easy to insert.

I was all too excited to receive my Joe Rock. I thought it would be “the next big thing” in my anal adventures, small enough to slip in without warm-up and wear around town, but large enough to feel filling. Let me tell you, the size of the Joe is utterly perfect for me; it’s the shape and material that my butt takes issue with.

First off, the body of the plug feels long and pointy inside me. It’s not as long as the Ryder, but because Happy Valley silicone is firmer than Tantus silicone, it feels like more of an assault on my ass. I don’t like having to be careful when I sit down so as not to bruise my innards.

Secondly, the Joe’s neck is a big issue. It looks slim and comfy in photos, but since the silicone is so firm, it doesn’t feel that way in use. My sphincter can grip it, and the plug stays in well enough, but the neck is so uncomfortable on my anal opening. Rather than noticing the delicious fullness of the plug itself, I’m constantly distracted by the feeling of the neck dangling awkwardly out of my ass.

The base is also weird. It’s a thick rectangle that certainly keeps Joe from being sucked up into my ass, but torments my buttcheeks the whole time I’m wearing it. I’m afraid to wear Joe out on the town because I know my ass will start chafing and I’ll be miserable. This is not a good plug for long-term wear.

Even for short-term use, though, this plug is insufferable. So I’m still on the hunt for my perfect plug – easy to insert without pre-stretching, maybe 1 ¼" in girth, thin neck, solid but comfy base. The medium Pure Plug looks like a good contender; I guess I’ll have to wait and find out.

I bought the Joe Rock plug with my own affiliate earnings, and was not required to review it – but hey, I did anyway!

Review: California Exotics Couture Collection Eclipse

Kate Sloan

Vaginal balls always vaguely intrigued me. The claims they make are so impressive: stronger orgasms, increased muscle control, something to keep you entertained while you wait in line at the grocery store. As someone who cares immensely about maintaining my sexual health, I decided I needed a set – so I asked Sex Toys Canada to send me the Eclipse from CalEx’s Couture Collection. Despite CalEx’s shoddy reputation and sometimes even shoddier products, I’m very pleased with my choice.

My Eclipse balls are white, but they also come in pink or purple. The balls themselves are made of shiny ABS plastic, and are housed in a non-removable, soft silicone casing with circular cutouts that allow some of the plastic to show through. Because the silicone is apparently fused to the plastic, there’s no risk of getting bacteria-laden fluids trapped between the two, though the seams might need some toothbrush-scrubbing during cleaning.

Each ball has a diameter of about 1.4 inches, which (unless you’re a size queen) is nothing to sneeze at. They aren’t always comfortable to insert, so I opt to put some water-based lube on the first ball before pushing it up into me.

In use, the balls feel very bouncy and lovely. Walking up and down stairs is the best way to get that jangly feeling as the balls roll around inside their casings – but even walking around at a normal speed on level ground is enough to get ‘em rolling. It’s my understanding that vaginal balls are meant to be constantly noticeable so that you remember to do your kegels, and these are certainly effective for that – but the bouncing feeling is pleasant enough on its own, even without following it up with kegel exercises.

I’ve worn the Eclipse balls for hours at a time and nothing bad has happened as a result of this. I can wear them while going to the bathroom without incident, as long as I hold the retrieval cord out of the way – though people with narrow urethras may have trouble peeing with these girthy balls inside them.

The main issue I detect with the Eclipse balls is its stretchy silicone parts. The bridge between the two balls is stretchy, and it’s so insanely thin that I frequently get nervous it’ll break. However, I’ve stretched it a fair bit and it’s still perfectly intact. The same is true of the retrieval cord – it’s stretchy, making removal difficult and time-consuming but not impossible. (I usually end up just tugging on one of the balls itself to get them to pop out, since the string is so annoyingly elastic.)

Each of the balls weighs around a tenth of a pound, or 45 grams, which some beginners may find too heavy to start with. I think these balls are girthy and draggy enough that they’d stay in anyway, but it’s hard to say, because my pussy is on the tighter side. Someone with underdeveloped PC muscles might have a better time with a different kegel exerciser toy that is smaller and lighter.

While the CalEx Eclipse balls have a couple of design problems, I ultimately believe they do their job quite well. They remind me to do my kegels, they feel good in use, and they’re cute to look at. I still want to get my hands on some Lelo Luna Beads one day, but for now, these certainly do the trick.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada, for assisting me with my sexual health!

Review: Icicles No. 2

Kate Sloan

The icicles No. 2 dildo is like a tall, muscular, handsome guy you meet at a party. As he charms you with easy flirtation, you think about sleeping with him; you imagine he probably looks fantastic naked and has a big, thick cock. But at the same time, you know his good looks may have allowed him to squeak by without picking up the sexual skills you’ll need to be satisfied. He likely knows how to use his dick well, but maybe that’s all he knows how to do. And as good-looking as he is, a lack of creativity and versatility would make him a bore in bed.

That is to say: the Icicles No. 2 is a beautiful dildo, and it feels good in use, but it doesn’t do anything particularly new or exciting or even satisfying.

The Icicles line, by Pipedreams, is the mass-produced answer to all those small companies making hand-blown glass toys. The “big guys” don’t always pay as much attention to quality as the little guys do, and I’ve heard some bad stories about the Icicles line – mainly that some of the paint will sometimes flake off the colored dildos. For this reason, I chose an Icicles model that had no color, and was fairly straight-ahead.

Icicles No. 2 actually kind of looks like an icicle, unlike many of its brothers and sisters. It consists of several ripply bulbs, ranging in size from ¾" to 1 ½" – it measures 8 ½" from end to end, so it’s quite big. I can only fit about half of it inside me comfortably.

My overwhelming impression of this toy is that it doesn’t know what it wants to be. The big end feels good in my vagina for the first little while, but eventually I crave a thicker shaft with more G-spotting capabilities. The small end, on the other hand, feels good when inserted anally, but the toy doesn’t have a flared base, so I worry about using it that way. I feel like Pipedreams should have picked one specific purpose for this toy, whether that be vaginal or anal stimulation, and added features to improve the toy for that use. As is, it’s a little “meh” in either orifice.

Another obnoxious thing about Icicles toys is that they don’t come with storage bags. The packaging is nice, and includes a thick styrofoam insert to protect the toy during transit, but there really isn’t any excuse for selling glass toys without padded bags to keep them in. I’ve been keeping this dildo in the styrofoam it came in, but that’s big and bulky, so I’ll have to come up with another solution soon (maybe I’ll wrap it in an old shirt?). Hey Pipedreams, even tiny, independent toy makers have figured out the importance of including storage options; why haven’t you?

The biggest ball is my favorite part of the toy, because it hits my G-spot very nicely when it first slides in. If the entire dildo consisted of 1 ½" balls, it’d probably be my new favorite glass toy. It still wouldn’t be especially exciting or interesting, but at least it’d be good.

If you want a long, ripply, glass wand that can be used anally or vaginally, to pleasant effect, the Icicles No. 2 could be your new best friend. But if you’ve already felt glass ripples, this one probably won’t impress you too much, and you’d be better off getting something more unique (maybe the tentacle-like Icicles No. 24, or the G-spot champion Bent Graduate). Glass is fun, easy to take care of, and feels great, but toy manufacturers will have to be more creative than the Icicles No. 2 if they want to continue to do well.

Review: Jollies Jollet

Kate Sloan

I was insanely excited to receive my package from Chavez Dezignz. As soon as I had opened it up and fondled this beautiful polka-dotted dildo in my hands, I updated my EdenFantasys status: “This week, my vagina will conquer the Jollies Jollet!”

I’m sad to report that it actually happened the other way around: the Jollet conquered my vagina.

My vag is on the smaller side of average. This is something I know, and have had to accept. I can take my boyfriend’s 6", average-girthed cock without pain or discomfort if it’s adequately lubed, and I can handle a dildo of a 1.5" diameter if I’m warmed up – but that’s about as far as I had gone, prior to the Jollet.

Jollies’ Jollet was designed from a mould of a vagina, so it’s made to fill up all the nooks and crannies inside a pussy, nestling there and staying in place. As such, it has a rather enormous bump (1.75") toward the end of the shaft that is meant to stimulate the G-spot when fully inserted. The Jollet also has a small, pointy end that can rub the cervix and surrounding area. I requested the Jollet because I like firm pressure on my G-spot and mild cervical stimulation, so it seemed like a good fit.

Tragically, it’s not a good fit at all. I’ve tried to use the Jollet on multiple occasions with no luck whatsoever.

This is how it usually goes: While watching porn and playing with my clit, I warm up with some other dildos, starting with a small one (Ella) and then moving to a larger one (Adam). Everything’s lubed and feeling good; I’m getting very turned on and can feel my G-spot crying out for more.

Then, I think, “Hey, maybe I’ll try the Jollet today.” I pull it out, drench it in lube, and slowly start to slide it in.

As the G-spot bump becomes parallel with my pubic bone, my pussy is overtaken by a sharp, burning pain. I tell myself, Just a little further, maybe it’ll slide in, and push it. It feels forced and agonizing. It feels like losing my virginity all over again.

After a few minutes of this, I can’t handle the pain anymore, so I remove the inch or two of the Jollet that I had managed to insert, wipe off the gallons of lube, and collapse into a pile of defeat and frustration.

If I was going to commission Chavez Dezignz to make a version of the Jollet just for me, I’d make a couple of small, but significant changes. I’d have them make the silicone squishier (currently it’s practically rock-hard, with no “give” to make insertion easier), and I’d reduce the diameter of the G-spot bump, even just by 0.1" or so. I think that would make all the difference for women with wimpy orifices like myself.

Other times that I’ve struggled with fitting a toy inside me, I wanted to work up to the challenge, because I felt like it was possible. Adam, for example, initially hurt a little, but its squishiness assured me that I’d be able to handle it if I spent more time on warm-up – and lo and behold, it’s still my favorite dildo for when I get into a “fill me up completely” kind of mood.

With the Jollet, it’s different. The challenge isn’t fun. It doesn’t encourage me to seek out the tricks I’ll need to get it to fit. I just don’t believe it ever will. It hurts like a motherfucker and drains all the arousal out of my pussy in one fell swoop.

It’s such a disappointment, because I really thought I would love the Jollet. Many of my favorite reviewers have raved about theirs. Plus, it’s polka-dotted, and looks so damn cute with my Candy Bullet wedged into the hole in the base. But it just doesn’t work for me.

I’m going to aim to write a follow-up review in a few months, if only because I feel it’s unfair to the toy and its makers for me to write it off based on my current vaginal prowess (practice makes perfect, after all). But for now, I can only recommend this toy for people who already know they’re comfortable taking toys 1.75" and wider, especially firm ones. Small-pussied gals like me will likely come to view the Jollet as an implement of agony.

Thanks to Chavez Dezignz for the opportunity to try out this super-cute toy! You can buy their products on their website or their Etsy shop.

Review: FixSation

Kate Sloan

Sexy Living told me they were sending me a FixSation and I was like, “Oh great, another wearable vibrator. Prepare for disappointment.”

I’d previously had a very iffy experience with the Lelo Tiani, which is, itself, a rip-off of the We-Vibe. So I felt kinda “meh” about having to wedge another vibe between me and my man.

Honestly, though, the FixSation is pretty okay, as far as wearable vibes go.

Before I get into specifics… can we talk about the name for a second? FixSation. When I first heard it, I thought it was possibly the most nondescript product name I’d ever heard. It doesn’t exactly sound like a sex toy, nor does it really sound like anything in particular. FixSation’s slogan is “Fixate on the Sensation when Friction meets Vibration,” so the name makes sense if you know the toy’s mission, but I don’t think I would ever guess its purpose just from the name. This makes it unmemorable – throughout the testing process, my boyfriend and I kept saying stuff like, “Want to use that… weird contraption… lacy thing?” because we couldn’t remember what it was actually called.

The FixSation has some damn classy packaging, which I can always appreciate. It comes in a slipcovered, thick cardboard box, containing compartments that hold the charger, the vibrator itself, the garter belt-like adornment that it attaches to, and a grey satin-ish bag for storage. Also included: a page of warranty information and instructions with illustrations that make me laugh.

It’s a rechargeable toy (fully, unlike the Lelo Tiani, with its rechargeable main unit and battery-operated remote). The charging port is covered by a little rubber plug when not in use, making it splashproof. This is one way in which Tiani wins, by being fully waterproof. I’m not a frequent shower-fucker, but it’s nice to have that option.

I definitely recommend that you take the time to figure out the FixSation well in advance of when you plan to use it. Some reviewers have put it together in a snap, while others have struggled; as for me, I had to recruit my boyfriend to do it. He threaded the thin, stretchy straps of the “panty companion” through the sides of the FixSation itself, and then hooked them into the back of the panties. The whole process was fairly similar to dealing with a garter belt or a bra, but I’ve never really been good at that kind of thing (despite being a total femme all my life), so I’m glad I had my man on hand to help.

You’ll have to unhook and re-hook the FixSation from its garter-panties home anytime you want to wash it (soap and water works – it’s ABS plastic with a PU coating), but after doing it once or twice, it gets much easier.

Sexy Living sent me a size medium, and I normally wear a large. The panty companion didn’t cause me any discomfort, though; the only downside to having the wrong size is that it created an unsightly muffin top. As far as I can tell, the product runs true to size – and it goes up to size XXL (18-20). All you curvy goddesses, take note!

In use, I definitely preferred the FixSation to the Lelo Tiani. The FixSation is contoured to the shape of the pubic mound and vulva, so it stays put when I wear it during sex. And unlike the other leading couples’ vibes (We-Vibe and Tiani), the FixSation has no internal arm. Women like me, who have a small-ish vagina that can only just accommodate a penis, may enjoy this feature of the FixSation. I certainly found it a lot more comfortable to wear than the Tiani, because there wasn’t any hard silicone poking me in the G-spot every five seconds.

One discomfort issue, which isn’t so much painful as annoying, is the ridges on the “female side” of the FixSation. They’re meant to stimulate the clit, which seems almost like a good idea until you realize: who wants tiny ridges rubbing over their clit?! Not me. The ridges are only really noticeable if my boyfriend presses really hard against me, but it’s enough of an issue to make me wish that this toy had a clit-sized bump there instead.

To turn on the vibrations, you hold down the power button (which is placed in a spot that’s actually convenient, hooray!) for 2-3 seconds. The FixSation has three speeds, which can be cycled through by pressing the button until you get to the desired speed. Disappointingly, the vibration strength is nothing to write home about, and is comparable at its highest to the medium settings on my other rechargeable toys, like the Lelo Mona.

For this reason, I don’t think the FixSation does well as a “finisher.” It doesn’t get me off during sex. It can feel very good, especially when my boyfriend presses his hips into me rhythmically or rotates them in a circle against my pelvis, but it just doesn’t have the power to get me off. It would work better for women who are sensitive and don’t usually use the highest settings on their toys.

Normally, if a toy is weak enough that I eventually have to give up and switch over to my Eroscillator, it makes me feel kind of frustrated and let down… but I don’t feel that way about the FixSation, at least not intensely. I feel that it’s a fun addition to intercourse, and it works better than the Lelo Tiani for what it’s set out to do – at least, for me. I might use it during those times when I want to make sex more enjoyable for myself but am not particularly fixated on getting off.

However, not gonna lie, I’m still eagerly waiting for the day that I discover a wearable vibe that actually makes me come during intercourse, hands-free. And preferably without poking my G-spot.