I enjoy giving head – but this was not always the case. It took a lot of practice, self-reflection, and kindness (both from my partners and from myself) for me to find the aspects of giving oral sex that resonated with me, sexually and otherwise.
With that journey in mind, I thought I’d take this opportunity to distill some of my thoughts on how to give a blowjob you might actually enjoy, as a giver. (A lot of these tips probably apply to going down on someone with a vulva too, but BJs are definitely what I have the most experience with.)
Before we begin, though, it’s worth noting: If you don’t wanna give head, you don’t have to. Period. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not a safe person for you to be around, or at the very least, not compatible with you if giving oral is on your “hard limits” list. It’s absolutely fine to have that limit; as with any other measure of sexual (in)compatibility, it’s all about finding a partner or partners whose tastes and preferences line up decently well with your own.
Now, let’s get to it. Here are some things you can try, if you’re not the biggest fan of giving head, but want to be.
1. Identify the reason(s) you dislike it, and address those if possible.
Some examples:
- Find that it always makes you gag? Do it more shallowly, tell your partner that thrusting into your mouth is strictly off-limits, and/or use a product like the Ohnut to keep the dick from going fully into your mouth.
- Does giving head remind you of a traumatic experience from your past? If so, therapy may be warranted, if you’re able to afford/access it. There are other, at-home interventions that can be helpful in working through trauma for some people, like journaling or using a book such as Jay Earley’s Self-Therapy, but these are riskier and less effective than getting the help of a trauma-informed mental health professional.
- Is your partner’s personal hygiene lacking? If so, can you have a chat with them about that, and/or give them head immediately after a shower or bath?
- Do you find cum upsetting, for any reason? If so, your partner doesn’t need to orgasm in your mouth and can give you a warning when they’re about to come so you can finish them off with your hand, and have them come on your chest or elsewhere.
2. Find something you can find hot about it.
There are about a zillion ways to make a blowjob kinky, so if you’ve got kinks, you can probably “kinkify” oral.
If not, you might still enjoy aspects of oral, such as your partner’s moaning, or the pride of being complimented and praised during the act. Give some thought to what would be hottest for you and ask your partner about incorporating (more of) that.
3. Consider flavors and barriers.
If tastes and/or textures are the main problem for you, you might want to experiment with some workarounds, such as:
- Flavored lube
- Flavored lube on a condom
- Flavored condoms
- Regular ol’ condoms
A lot of these admittedly don’t taste as candy-like as one would hope – many are more in the neighborhood of “children’s cough syrup” – but if the taste of dick and/or cum is what’s getting in the way of your enjoyment, these might be enough to shift things for you nonetheless.
Keep in mind that you shouldn’t switch to vaginal sex after using one of these products, at least not without switching to a different condom (or putting one on, if you weren’t using one before), because the sugars in flavored products can cause vaginal irritation/infections.
4. Add some sexy stimulation.
Arousal can make a big difference for many people. Some say it can even lessen your gag reflex. (I have definitely found this to be true.)
Get very turned on before going down, in whatever ways work best for you. You may even want some stimulation while you’re giving head, whether that’s using a vibrator, grinding against part of your partner’s body, or something else you enjoy.
5. Watch porn for inspiration.
But not just a narrow genre of mainstream porn. Watch various different performers giving head in various different styles.
This can be especially useful if you’ve internalized certain messaging about how, for example, giving oral is “degrading” or inherently submissive. When you see the broad range of ways people can look and act while sucking dick, you might understand better that you can create your own narratives of what giving head means and what it can look like and feel like.
Hope that helps! And remember: “No” is a complete sentence. And so is “I’d like to give you a handjob instead; pass the lube, please.”
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.