For a long time I maintained that I would never be in a long-distance relationship, because sex and other forms of physical affection mattered too much to me.
However, then I fell in love with a brilliant, beautiful, dominant-leaning switch who lives 500 miles away from me, so… that whole “never ever doing an LDR” thing kinda flew out the window.
Before we ever even had sex IRL, it became apparent to us – in the many many hours we spent falling in love over the phone – that we couldn’t be one of those long-distance couples who wait until they’re physically together to share any kind of sexual intimacy. There’s nothing wrong with that type of relationship, of course, and if it works for its participants then I wish them well! But this post is for people who aren’t happy with that being their status quo, and who want to explore alternate ways of building a satisfying sex life within a long-distance relationship. Here are some of the things that have worked for me and Matt…
Phone sex
This is the first way we ever really had sex, and is still, by far, the most common way we get each other off. Although it’s largely gone out of vogue in favor of sexting and other more “modern” forms of long-distance sex, I still think nothing really beats the phone. Sexting feels too abstracted for me a lot of the time, as if I’m having sex with my iPhone rather than with my partner, whereas Skype sex, Zoom sex, etc. make me too self-conscious about my own appearance to really focus on feeling good. Phone sex strikes a happy medium between the two, allowing for the intimate immediacy of hearing your partner’s thoughts and reactions in real-time, but without the hyper-scrutiny that can arise in video sex.
My top tips for phone sex:
- Don’t use the actual phone, if you can help it. Do an audio call on something like FaceTime or Skype (yes, these normally video-centric services allow for audio-only calls). The quality is much better and so your experience will be better too.
- Get the right equipment. You don’t want to be fumbling with your handset while you’re trying to, um, “fumble with your handset.” For years I’ve used a pair of standard wired Apple earbuds, which have a microphone built-in, leaving my hands free to do other things.
- Talk about what you would do if you were physically together. It’s that simple. Or, if you prefer, you can use your imaginations to craft a roleplay scenario that would only be possible on the phone.
Sexting
It’s not my preferred way of having long-distance sex, but many people enjoy it. Personally I find it too hard to juggle typing and touching myself at the same time. Many of the folks I know who are into sexting say that they don’t really masturbate during the sexting, but moreso after it, when they can scroll back through the messages to their heart’s content. I prefer the real-time aspect of phone sex.
However, sexting can be really fun, and may be especially useful as an avenue for communication if you struggle to tell your partner about your sexual desires and preferences. After all, sometimes it’s easier to type “I want you to [x]” into your phone than to say it out loud to your partner’s beautiful face. I suggest reading Tina Horn’s book Sexting if you’re looking for advice on how to sext like a pro.
Sexting can also involve the exchange of sexy photos or videos, both of which can be lovely to receive (consensually, at appropriate times) when you’re missing your partner’s body.
Long-distance sex toys
There was a time when virtual sex via high-tech toys – a field of products sometimes known as “teledildonics” – was an exotic, futuristic concept, something technology magazines wrote about with wonderment and awe. These days, though, that type of toy is pretty widely available, so “touching” your partner via Bluetooth is a beloved option for many long-distance couples.
My partner has a long-distance stroker and butt plug, both of which we frequently use not only when we’re apart but also when we’re together, because sometimes my chronic pain is such that it’s easier for me to control sliders on my iPad screen than to actually give sensation with my own two hands.
The folks at Honeysx recommend the Magic Motion brand of remotely-controllable sex toys for long-distance couples. I like their bright, punchy aesthetic and reasonable prices!
Video sex
If you or your partner have an exhibitionistic or voyeuristic streak, this is probably something you’d enjoy. Personally, performing in front of a webcam or phone camera feels too much like, well, performing for me, which makes it hard for me to relax into arousal – but I know lots of people feel the polar opposite!
Make sure you use a medium that’s totally secure (someone Zoom-bombing your private moment would be pretty awful). Consider having sex toys on hand to use on yourself, as proxies for your partner’s hands/mouth/genitals/whatever.
What’s your preferred method of having long-distance sex?
This post was sponsored by Honeysx, a site that has a great selection of long-distance sex toys. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.