If you want to know what the comfiest running shoes are, ask an athlete. If you want to know the best tea for a sore throat, ask a singer. And if you want to know the best ways to use a dildo, ask a sex toy reviewer. I’ve almost hit my Malcom Gladwell ten thousand hours on this shit!
I kid, I kid… There are infinite ways to use a dildo, none of which are any “better” or “worse” than any other, as long as you’re going about it consensually and safely (and hopefully with lots of lube!). But one thing I’ve learned in my 13+ years of reviewing sex toys professionally, which I’ll share with you incase it helps you, is this: Using a dildo is even more enjoyable when you pair it with a suitable fantasy.
In fact, that’s usually where I start, when I’m testing a dildo for a review. I have to get myself turned on and wet enough to use the toy, and I’ve found that the best way to do that is to devise a hot fantasy that’s related to that particular toy. You can always fantasize about whatever you like, of course, but I find a thematically relevant fantasy particularly effective!
So, courtesy of the lovely sponsor of this post, Epic Dildos, I’d like to tell you about a few of my favorite dildo-centric fantasies – and some dildos that would pair well with them!
Lemme level with ya… Once upon a time, I was known in my friend group as the gal who loved to orchestrate threesomes – which I enjoyed greatly! – but those days are behind me now. I’ve come to realize that one-on-one encounters are way more my speed.
That being said, I still have group sex fantasies on occasion – as do many other people; it’s consistently been found to be one of the most common fantasies, across gender lines. Mine are usually of a cuckold-y variety. To divulge one frequent example, I enjoy the thought of my partner going down on me while a “special guest star” fucks me, and I sometimes fantasize about this while receiving head from my partner (who explicitly encourages me to do so).
Naturally, this fantasy is particularly potent when I’m actually being penetrated – and realistic dildos are the best tool for the job. My very favorites in that category are all made by Vixen Creations and feature dual-density silicone, i.e. they have a firm silicone core encased in a squishier outer layer, for an ultra-realistic feel. The VixSkin Bandit is a personal favorite of mine and my partner’s; it’s plenty long enough to hit my A-spot, but not so ridiculously thick that I need extensive warm-up before using it. This dildo fucking rules.
If you’re not familiar with the term ‘omegaverse,’ let me get you up to speed: it’s a trope mostly found in fanfiction, wherein there are “alpha” humans and “omega” humans. Omegas can “go into heat” like animals, thereby attracting alphas. Like canine creatures, alphas have the ability to “knot” during sex, meaning that part of their shaft swells in such a way that their dick is essentially stuck inside their partner, until they ejaculate and let the knotting subside.
I’ve been called upon to review a number of canine-esque dildos over the course of my career, and I always seem to gravitate toward omegaverse fantasies when using them. There’s something so hot about the idea of someone being (consensually) trapped inside me by their own arousal, until they finally get off. And there are about a zillion knotted fantasy dildos on the market to go along with these thoughts.
This has been a fave of mine over the past year or so, for whatever reason… I’m intrigued by the idea of a dildo gaining sentience, at least enough to be able to feel pleasure. I like to imagine it being vaguely confused but also super aroused as I slowly push it into me and begin thrusting it in and out. Sometimes I even combine this one with my premature ejaculation kink and imagine that the dildo reaches orgasm too soon and has to push through its subsequent sensitivity as I continue to use it, oblivious to its suffering. 😈
One great thing about this fantasy is that it works with any and every dildo – so I’ll take the opportunity to shout out the Tantus Vamp, one of the first realistic dildos I adored when I started reviewing sex toys.
What are your favorite fantasies to pair with dildos? Feel free to let me know in the comments!
This post was sponsored by Epic Dildos, a site with excellent navigational tools for finding your dream dildo: you can shop by size, style, color, material, and more! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Been a minute since I mentioned my SongAWeek challenge here, dear readers, but it’s still going strong… Just yesterday I uploaded my 34th song of the year, in fact!
They’re not all about sex – some of them are about tattoos, fascism, dragonflies, Zionism, and gamer boys – but, well, you know me: sexuality is my favorite subject to write about, regardless of the medium. Today I’m gonna depart from my usual sexual prose, and instead share some sexual lyrics. Here are the six best sex-related songs I’ve written so far in 2025. (All are purchasable and streamable on Bandcamp, which is a great way to support my work so I can continue writing!)
Song title:The Natural Way Song topic: Menstrual sex How it came to be: The first voice memo in my songwriting process for this one is titled “countryish period sex concept.mp3” and begins with me muttering, “I don’t know why it’s a country song, but…” before launching into it. I had wanted to write a song about period sex for a long time, partly because I love the great Rachel Lark song on the same subject, but partly just ’cause I have a lot of strong opinions about period sex. I drafted the lyrics in my songwriting notebook and for some reason it just always sounded like a twangy country song in my head, complete with bad fake Southern accent. I considered a bunch of alternate titles, like “Red Wings,” “Hemophobia,” and “Just a Little Blood,” before settling on “The Natural Way.”
Lyrics:
It’s Friday night, it’s date night, and I’m just confirming plans
‘Cause I know what I wanna do tonight, and it involves you, man!
But perhaps we should postpone to a different night instead
‘Cause I just checked my panties and I see a bit of red…
I know we’ve never talked about it; I don’t know your stance
But I’m hoping you will part the crimson seas and take a chance
The best-laid plans for getting laid can quickly be undone
‘Cause a little hemophobia can ruin all the fun, so…
CHORUS:
Use your teeth to take my tampon out, and
Help relieve my cramps; I love to
Kill my pain the natural way
Red wings won’t let you fall
So leave a handprint on the wall
And then I’ll know for sure that you are gonna stay
How can you be horrified? It’s only menstruation
It happens every month to nearly half the population!
I’m not asking you to flay me, or to wrestle me in mud
I’m just askin’ for some passion, ’cause it’s just a bit of blood!
(repeat chorus)
I’ll respect your boundaries, but I’ve got some of my own:
If you’d rather keep blood off your hands, I’d rather be alone
‘Cause at any time of day, and at any time of month
I deserve somebody who will faceplant in my cunt!
(repeat chorus)
Eat it raw and bloody like your steak
Get caught red-handed every ding-dong day!
Song title:Make It Hurt Song topic: Masochism How it came to be: I was lying in bed trying to get to sleep one night, when suddenly a line of a song popped into my head fully-formed: “Ooh baby, make it hurt; it doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst.” I lumbered out of bed to dutifully record a voice memo so I wouldn’t forget this fragment overnight. The next morning I wrote the rest of the song, choosing a Dorian-mode chord progression, since that was the weekly theme in my online songwriters’ group that week. Pretty intuitive and easy songwriting process overall for this one, maybe because masochism is a subject I’d already dissected at length in many mediums before!
Lyrics:
CHORUS: Ooh baby, make it hurt
It doesn’t mean nothin’ unless it’s the worst
It’s true, baby – you can flirt
But follow through – I want you to make it hurt
I’ve got particular tastes, unusual wishes
Like: sometimes a sprinkling of pain can be so delicious
Can you handle it? Will you question it? Say I’m out of my mind?
Or will you try it out? Make me cry it out? That’s a way to be kind, so…
(repeat chorus)
Your brain has been trained to be sweet and gentle
Well, that’s easily solved if the hurdles are mental
We could play pretend, like we’re childhood friends – you’re a villain with a plan
You’d be faking it til you’re making it; I believe that you can! So…
(repeat chorus)
Why do I always hurt myself,
Even when it’s through someone else?
Why do I push til I bruise and bleed?
Why is this what I need?
(repeat chorus)
Song title:Don’t Fuck People Who… Song topic: The importance of having sexual standards How it came to be: I had been on some dates with people who hadn’t asked me questions, and it bummed me out sufficiently that I had to process it through song. A couple days after writing it, I decided to add the little Vaudeville-y intro section at the beginning, to contextualize the rest of the song. Naturally, I had to wear my “Slut for Kindness” T-shirt in the video!
Lyrics:
I went through a slutty phase; I don’t regret my slutty days
They were mostly good, but sometimes bad
So, for all the other daters looking for a lover later,
Here is some advice I wish I’d had…
Don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh – that’s a reasonable rule!
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause a sense of humor is cool
If they can’t even make you chuckle, don’t you think the way they fuck’ll also be a horrifying bore?
So, don’t fuck people who don’t make you laugh, ’cause life’s too fucking short!
Don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause curiosity is great
Yeah, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions – why are they even on a date?!
If they won’t show a scrap of interest, why would sex be any different? Trust me, ’cause I’ve seen it all before:
Please, don’t fuck people who don’t ask you questions, ’cause life’s too fucking short!
I know these rules may seem a bit restrictive
And sometimes, you’re just looking to get laid
I don’t mean to scare you – I just want to spare you
From all of the mistakes that I have made, so…
Don’t fuck people who make you feel bad – there’s no reason you should
Yeah, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause you deserve to feel good!
First dates are for best behavior; it will not get better later – might as well just walk right out the door
Please, don’t fuck people who make you feel bad, ’cause life’s too fucking short for bad fucking!
Life’s too fucking short!
Song title:Hymen Hymn Song topic: Virginity myths and slut-shaming How it came to be: I was typing the word “hymen” at some point and accidentally typed “hymn” instead, and a song idea was born. Many months later, I fleshed it out into this, a satirical choral piece about shitty patriarchal virginity myths. It’s rare that I sing in a more classical style like this when performing my own songs, but I was an alto section leader in a children’s choir for several years as a youth and it’s fun to return to that choral vibe sometimes!
Lyrics:
All hail the hymen, the harbinger of sin
It stands guard at the opening, and will not let you in
Imbued with meaning and divinity,
It’s said to be a marker of virginity
All hail the hymen, doer of good deeds
Marking the event with an obligatory bleed
Some say it was nothing; some say it was the worst
Some say you reap just what you sow, and that is why it hurts
CHORUS:
Don’t push, don’t rush
Slow down your touch
I promise, if you put the time in,
You don’t have to hurt your hymen
All hail the hymen, scapegoat of the damned
Having or not having one determines who I am:
A virgin or a slut, insatiable or frigid
It’s not the most precise approach to diagnostics, is it?
All hail the hymen, so misunderstood
It is just a body part; it isn’t bad or good
And how can it be moral, how can it be right
To check a woman’s cherry on her wedding night?
(repeat chorus)
Song title:UTI Song topic: Urinary tract infections How it came to be: I started improvising this song over some basic chords at a time when I did indeed have a UTI. It was often an isolating and humbling experience in my twenties, when usually it would happen to me after a hookup with some random guy and I would feel left alone with the pain after we parted ways. It was interesting to try to capture that feeling in a song.
Lyrics:
I’ve got a UTI again; it makes me wanna cry again
I’m chugging cranberry, but still, I am very inflamed
I’ve got a UTI again, after sex with some guy again
He left quite some time ago; I don’t remember his name
The sad part: it’s my own fault – could’ve pissed the bacteria to hell
But as always, that’s the hard part: taking good care of myself
So I’ve got a UTI again – that’s $49.95 again
For the meds that I take for the ache from my gut to my knees
I’ve got a UTI again – I could go DIY again
I demand my D-Mannose! (I hope you don’t know what that means)
Should’ve stayed home in my room and played with my toys
‘Cause my body never trusts me when I’m with untrustworthy boys
I’ve got a UTI again, and it makes me bone-dry again
Pleasure is only a memory, a ghost I once knew
And I’m tired of the agony; I’m at odds with my anatomy
I’ve got a UTI again; I think I’m gonna cry again
Song title:Touch-Me-Not Song topic: Asexuality How it came to be: Kind of a silly origin story on this one… Late one night I was hanging out with some musical improv pals, and we started improvising songs over random instrumental tracks from YouTube. I got the suggestions of “sunglasses” and “bees,” and was given a beautiful, melancholy backing track to improvise over. My song was about using sunglasses as protection from a bee attack, and the chorus had goofy lyrics (“It’s only my shades/ that keep me safe from the bees/ from the bees…”) but had a super pretty melody, which I liked enough to record briefly on my phone that night before I went to sleep. That melody fragment ended up becoming the chorus of this song (“I like you so much, but/ don’t want you to touch me at all/ not at all”). I had been working on a song about the realization that I might be even further along the asexual spectrum than I’d realized, and I made practically no headway on it until I landed on this chorus, at which point the rest just flowed out of me. It’s a really personal and important song to me. 💜
Lyrics:
It’s been a lovely night, but I think I’ve had my fill
I don’t know how to say this, so I guess I just will:
It hasn’t been long enough since we first met
And the things I think you want, I don’t want yet
CHORUS:
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all
I like you so much, but don’t want you to touch me at all
Not at all
There’s nothing wrong with going fast, but I like to go slow Why do we like the things we like? Nobody really knows, but
You gotta work with what you got – make no apology
And there are things you like a lot, that I could take or leave
(repeat chorus)
I’m not a prude, I’m not a tease
It isn’t rude to say what I need
So you’ll be out late, loving someone
And I’ll be home alone, having so much fun!
(repeat chorus)
I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me yet
I don’t wanna do something that someday I might regret
I like you so much but don’t want you to touch me
Since packing up my entire life to move to a different country, I’ve been more aware than ever before of how important my possessions are to me. Sure, in theory it would be great to embrace a minimalistic, monastic lifestyle (and it’d sure save you a pretty penny on moving expenses!), but ultimately I just love stuff too much to ever give it up!
To that end, today I thought I’d tell you about a random assortment of objects that have been bringing me great joy lately, since I believe in sharing the love…
I bought these back in 2022, customizing the color combo myself using Nike’s online design tools, because I was having a major lovecore phase. (Still am, frankly!) They are totally garish; I call them my femme clown shoes. But they’re also wonderfully comfortable and practical; I frequently wear them on long walks, and they were my go-to shoe for my recent run of musical improv shows. They’re looking a bit worse for wear and could use some leather care, but I love how loud they are; people are constantly complimenting them!
Gotta love a makeup bag that’s roomy enough to fit my ENTIRE daily makeup and skincare regimen! This one is made of gorgeously soft red leather and is perfectly sized for my needs. One bummer is that the zipper pulls are starting to fall off, just a year into owning this bag, but other than that, I love it.
Skincare brands are constantly sending me press releases, even though I only cover sex toys, because oftentimes all “wellness” products get grouped together in the journalism world. This brand still wanted to send me their lotion even after I explained that my beat is masturbation, not moisturizer… and I totally fell in love with the stuff! It’s super hydrating, not overly greasy, and makes my skin smell like I’ve been rolling around in vanilla cake batter. I love applying it right when I get out of the shower, while I’m getting ready for a date, or to spend time with a crush – it makes me feel effortlessly sexy and feminine.
Silver hoop earrings
There’s no brand on these, so I assume they were an impulsive purchase from some generic chain store at the mall years ago. I’ve recently gotten back into them in a big way. As a kid/teen, I always thought hoop earrings looked so cool and sexy, but I had an irrational(?) fear that something would get caught on them and cause some carnage… I guess I’m finally brave enough to run that risk these days 😅
I’ve loved Swiss brand Sigg’s super design-y metal water bottles for a long time, and upgraded to this massive one recently. I am chronically, shamefully dehydrated, which is really not good (“Hydrate or die-drate,” as my wife would say), but it helps to have a cute-looking water bottle on my desk at all times. This one is a stunning iridescent blue.
My “daily driver” (as the keyboard nerds say) is a larger keyboard, the Epomaker Galaxy80, which I adore – but at some point I decided I wanted a tiny keeb for when I travel, and this little 40% model fit the bill. I swapped out the switches for Akko Fairies on the alphanumerical keys and Akko Penguins on the modifiers; both are silent switches, so this thing is really quiet. I also put some new keycaps on there, and removed the keyboard’s built-in wrist strap so I could replace it with a sleeker-looking black pleather one. It’s a little tricky to get used to a 40% layout, but this article helped me a lot.
Gold/diamond/emerald panther ring
When my bubbie (grandmother) passed away many years ago, she specifically left this ring to me in her will. I have always wondered why she picked this piece for me in particular; my favorite color as a kid was green, so maybe it was as simple as she thought I would like the panther’s gleaming emerald eyes. But I also like to think that she saw some panther-like courage and tenacity in me that she wanted to celebrate, even after her death. I’ve rediscovered it lately and have been wearing it every day. 💚
The “nose” behind Euphorium Brooklyn is a man named Stephen Dirkes, who my partner once hired to make a custom perfume for me as a gift. I still love that scent (it’s called Aimanté), and have also become enamored with various other Euphorium scents over the years, like this one, Suédois. It’s deeply androgynous and sexy, featuring sensuous notes like leather, sandalwood, nutmeg, patchouli, and Bavarian cream. Just divine!
I believe in making your life as beautiful as you can, in the ways that make you happiest – which is why I prefer heart-shaped sticky notes over the boring square yellow kind. They delight me whenever I look at them!
I’ve owned far too many pairs of Doc Martens in my life, from the shiny black calf-height ones my friends bought me for my birthday in high school, to the blue metallic ones I rocked in college, to the rainbow glitter ones I got in my twenties. But my favorites at the moment are definitely these basic black leather 10-eye Docs. They’re stompy and punky and fun, and they instantly androgynize any femme-leaning outfit. Love ’em.
This is the best instrument tuner I’ve ever owned! It was a gift from my brother, who is very smart. I love that it’s conveniently rechargeable via micro-USB, and that it helps me get my ukuleles perfectly in tune every time, even in loud environments where I can barely hear myself play.
I’m over the moon for Oliver Hibert’s art. I would have one of his paintings framed on every wall of my apartment if I could afford it! A few years ago I saved up and bought myself his tarot deck, and I’ve been so pleased with it ever since. It’s so visually striking that it evokes emotions in me easily, making it ideal for the kinds of things I like to use tarot for (self-reflection and songwriting inspiration, mainly). All hail the psychedelic brilliance of Oliver Hibert!
What objects are bringing you joy lately? Feel free to sound off in the comments!
Happy new-Lovense-product day to all who celebrate!! 🎉 Lovense launched their newest vibrator today, the Lush Mini. They asked me to be one of the first people to review it, which always makes me feel like a vaginal VIP.
The Lush Mini is the latest iteration in Lovense’s line of Lush vibrators; I’ve previously reviewed the Lush 3 and Lush 4, so I was intrigued to see a slightly smaller version being released. These are G-spot vibes, meant to be “worn” vaginally: the bulbous internal arm presses against your G-spot while the slimmer external arm stays outside the body, on your clit.
They’re bulkier than something like a We-Vibe, so I wouldn’t recommend wearing one during penetrative sex, unless you adore feeling overstuffed! They don’t transmit much clitoral stimulation in the way that We-Vibes and Lovense’s own Dolce do – they’re all about G-spot stimulation. (They also lack a flared base, so they’re not anal-safe; get an Edge 2 if you want to experience Lovense’s amazing vibrations on your prostate.)
So, how different is the Lush Mini from its predecessors, and is it worth upgrading if you’ve already got a Lush? Let’s get into it!
As you can see, the main difference is size: the Lush Mini is 6 millimeters slimmer than the other Lushes (that’s about a quarter-inch). Accordingly, it’s 23% lighter, and its battery doesn’t last quite as long. It’s priced the same as the Lush 4.
Here are some things that are true of all three Lushes:
All of them are IPX7 waterproof, so you can get them wet and even submerge them in water without issue.
All of them can be controlled either via a button on the toy itself, or via Lovense’s app.
All of them are made of silicone and electroplated plastic.
All three vibes seem to use the same motor; they feel equally powerful and rumbly.
The quarter-inch difference in width between the Lush Mini and its predecessors may seem minor, but it makes a noticeable difference. I think a lot of users would prefer the smaller size, because it’s easier to insert even when you’re only mildly-to-moderately turned on (ideally with water-based lube!), whereas a larger Lush might require a bit more warm-up first for some users. I also find the Lush Mini more comfortable for long-term wear due to its smaller size, so I think it’s the better pick for surreptitious public-play scenes, especially hours-long ones.
This toy’s vibrations are every bit as wonderful as I’ve come to expect all Lovense vibes to be. They’re deliciously rumbly, and have an impressively wide range of intensities which you can customize quite precisely using the Lovense app.
Speaking of the app: I always sing the praises of Lovense’s Bluetooth functionality every time I review one of their products, but they really are doing the app-control thing better than any other sex toy company right now, IMO. Connecting a toy to their app is quick, easy, and intuitive. The app allows you to program your own vibration patterns or try someone else’s, control the vibe yourself or invite a long-distance partner to do so, and sync the vibrations to music or other sounds, among a cornucopia of other features. The vibrations respond quickly and seamlessly to my ministrations in the app. The whole interface is thoughtfully designed and encourages playful experimentation.
The Lush Mini’s neck is a bit shorter and possibly more rigid than the necks of previous Lushes, which allows it to maintain slightly firmer pressure against my G-spot during use, and helps keep it from sliding around. Once it’s on my spot, it usually stays there, unless I get really wet… which admittedly does sometimes happen, since this toy is prone to making me squirt, hands-free!
Interestingly, the external arm of the Lush Mini seems to conduct vibration significantly more than those of the previous Lushes. I still wouldn’t consider this a clitoral vibrator per se (unless you subscribe to the theory that the G-spot is actually just the back of the clit…), but it feels noticeably more pleasurable to me than previous Lush toys because it stimulates my clit more. I still don’t think I could get off from this toy alone, because I tend to need stronger clit vibration than G-spot vibration to reach orgasm, but it gets me a lot closer than any other Lush, and feels better during that process.
As with the other Lushes, the Mini’s shape is excellent for hitting the G-spot with minimal effort. The way it juts out to meet your spot is so cool and just feels right.
The Lush Mini’s ~4-hour battery life is impressive enough, but even more impressive is its “fast-charging” function: if you plug in the Lush Mini for just 7 minutes, it’ll charge up enough for an hour of play. This is an especially useful quality in a vibe you might want to wear out on a dinner date (or similar) like this one, since it sucks to realize your vibe is dead as you’re leaving the house for an impromptu public sexcapade. Avoid that whole nightmare by plugging in your Lush Mini for 7 minutes while you brush your teeth, style your hair, etc. before your date – easy-peasy.
Like most Lovense toys, this one is very quiet and therefore discreet. Love that.
While the Mini’s smaller internal arm makes it more comfortable for long-term wear, the trade-off is: my orgasms with this toy inside me aren’t as intense as those with previous Lushes, simply because there’s less girth to squeeze around during those climactic muscle contractions. The difference is minor, though.
On principle it annoys me slightly that the Mini is priced the same as the Lush 4 ($129) because it seems like a smaller vibe should be cheaper, although realistically I know that the mechanics are largely the same and it probably costs about the same to make.
Final thoughts
There’s a lot to love about the Lush Mini, and I think many shoppers will gravitate toward it, rather than the other Lushes, because of its beginner-friendly petite form factor. It’s easier to insert, requires less warm-up, and is comfier for long-term wear than its predecessors, due to its slimmer silhouette. But the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and the Lush Mini shares tons of fabulous qualities with its older sisters: it’s strong and rumbly, quiet, waterproof, sturdily-built, and has great Bluetooth connectivity and battery life.
G-spot vibration isn’t always my jam, but the Mini’s vibrations are so satisfyingly rumbly that they add significantly to my pleasure no matter what else I’m doing. In one testing session, my partner even went down on me while the Lush Mini was inside me, nudging the external arm to the side so she could get at my clit – and the combo of her mouth with Lovense’s wonderful vibrations led to a breathtaking orgasm (complete with a bit o’ squirt) that left me feeling grateful to have a G-spot. This is the type of nifty sexual creativity that Lovense toys encourage.
If you want a G-spot vibe you can wear in public, or for hours at a time, the Lush Mini is an impeccable choice. Pair it with a Ferri panty vibe if you want more intense clit stimulation. The Lush 4 is still a solid option too, especially if you want something girthier to squeeze around. I don’t think there’s necessarily any reason to upgrade to the Lush Mini if you already own another Lush, unless you think the smaller size or speedier charging would make a big difference for you. But as for first-time users, I think a lot of them will go for the Lush Mini – it’s just so damn cute, useful, and pleasurable!
This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
I wore this to a launch party for the latest issue of Poetry is Gay magazine! My very talented wife had a poem published in it. A few poets read their pieces aloud and it was all beautiful, not to mention queer as hell.
I had moved to New York only 8 days previous, so my body and brain were still pretty exhausted – hence dipping before the afterparty commenced. But at least I got to take this cute tipsy smiley selfie on my way home, clutching a stack of gay poetry mags, when a friend from back in Toronto texted to ask me what I was up to.
What I’m wearing: • Black tank top that says “2 gay 2 live, 2 horny 2 die” – made by Cayce Fisher (the perfect shirt to wear to a horny gay poetry reading, if you ask me!)
• Denim shorts – the Gap (you might recall I wore these a lot in my last outfits post too – my movers still hadn’t brought my stuff yet, so I was still getting dressed out of a little suitcase every day at this point!)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather vintage Coach Station bag
• Red triangle earrings – some craft fair back home, can’t quite recall!
• Red heart-shaped glasses – Zenni
July 12th, 2025
One of the first things I did upon moving to Brooklyn was attend the Fun & Dumb Improv Festival at the Brooklyn Comedy Collective. My wife had correctly intuited that I would be exhausted and depressed after the ordeal of the move and could use as many laughs as possible, so she bought us both weekend passes to the festival in advance. Am I spoiled or what?!
This particular day was packed with musical improv above all else – we saw performances by Angus, Thongs, & Perfect Singing and Baby Wants Candy, who were both stellar. Later that evening, we went back to the BCC for more improv: Padma Lakshmi was the guest monologist for one show, and then the legendary ASSSSCAT closed out our evening. Highly recommend going to see a cavalcade of comedy when you’re stressed/sad/depleted!
What I’m wearing: • Orange tank top – the Gap
• Black high-waisted pencil skirt – the Gap
• Pink/red/orange custom Nike Air Force 1 sneakers
• Red triangle earrings
• Apple Watch with navy leather Hermès band – both gifts from my wife
• Black prescription sunglasses in one photo and red heart-shaped glasses in the other – both from Zenni
• Fun & Dumb Festival admission wristband! (I kept it afterward, naturally, because I am a sentimental dweeb)
July 19th, 2025
Here’s what I wore to have drinks with part of my polycule (wife + wife’s boyfriend + wife’s boyfriend’s husband) at the Sunken Harbor Club, a fancy low-lit bar specializing in tiki drinks. I had a few too many, but what can I say – they were delicious!
What I’m wearing: • White/pink/blue toucan-print button-down shirt – borrowed from my wife; I originally bought it for her as a gift
• Blue lace bralette underneath – Aerie
• Denim shorts again
• Pink metallic cowboy boots – Jeffrey Campbell
• Navy earrings in the shape of a diagram of the internal clitoris – an Etsy shop called MadeInMira (I think I want the dangly ones next…)
• Vintage black leather Coach Station bag
• Apple Watch
July 23rd, 2025
I wore this to attend the closing-night performance of King!, a piece of wacky-beautiful theatre created by/starring Gabriel Gara Lonning and Mariposa Coalson. It’s hard to even describe, but perhaps these photos my wife took will give you a sense of the vibe! I’d been invited to the afterparty too, but declined in favor of going home to take a bath, because having fibromyalgia is fuckin’ rough, dude.
What I’m wearing: • Black & silver bodycon dress – American Apparel many years ago
• Navy knee-high socks
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Black leather vintage Coach Station bag
• Red triangle earrings
July 25th, 2025
I wore this to happy hour with some polycule members + pals at Barely Disfigured, a bar with a weird name and great drinks. Big recommend for The Harlot’s Progress, which contained blackberry liqueur and smoky scotch, a combo I never knew I needed until I tasted it!
What I’m wearing: • Orange/pink fit-and-flare dress – Modcloth over a decade ago
• Red/pink/white striped knee-high socks – gift from my mama
• Custom-color Nike Air Force 1 sneakers
• Rainbow earrings – an Etsy store called 3DelightfulShop
• Coach Station bag
• Tiffany & Co. leather dog collar – a gift from my love
July 26th, 2025
I’ve been wanting to meet up with somebody from the /r/RandomActsOfMuffDive subreddit for a long time, since no-strings-attached, no-reciprocation-required cunnilingus from a self-professed pussy-hound has always sounded like a pretty sweet proposition to me. A couple days prior to this, I had met up with a man from there for drinks, and we hit it off sufficiently that he invited me to his place for the aforementioned “muffdive” (god, I hate that term) later that week… so here’s what I wore to that!
It was important to me that I felt both comfy and cute, hence wearing this literal nightgown and my favorite boots. And actually, the nightgown stayed on for the whole encounter, which was kind of nice – it meant I didn’t have to directly confront my discomfort about letting this near-stranger see me naked. (He was so complimentary of my body that I needn’t have worried, though!)
What I’m wearing: • Black modal nightgown – Calvin Klein Sleepwear (I literally have 4 of these, because they’re so simple and comfy… Chronic illness wardrobe ahoy!!)
• Pink & blue unicorn-print knee-high socks – probably bought at The Great Canadian Sox Shop back when I lived near Queen St. W.
• Coach Station bag
• Frye harness boots
• Apple Watch
July 27th, 2025
Attending the improv show Raaaatscraps is a near-weekly tradition for my wife and I, although usually (before I moved to New York) I would watch it on a livestream while she attended in-person. However, now that I live here, I can attend the show every week if I want to – and I often do want to! On this occasion I went alone because my wife was busy, and I had a great time, as always. Those rats (by which I mean the very clever people in the Raaaatscraps cast) are so damn funny.
What I’m wearing: • Black & red floral-print dress – H&M about a decade ago (I wore it on my first date with my wife, incidentally)
• Black leather 10-eye Doc Martens
• Coach Station bag
July 30th, 2025
I wore this out to eat fancy sushi with my beloved. Among other things, we discussed a protocol to help motivate me to unpack my belongings at a speedier rate. However, one thing I had already unpacked was my collection of dresses (can you believe I own 50+ of them?!? Just ridiculous!!), hence revisiting this one, which I bought for an anniversary date in 2018.
What I’m wearing:
• Blue velvet dress – Forever 21
• Black leather Doc Martens
• Coach Station bag
• Black leather jacket – Danier Leather
