What Does It Really Mean to Be “Good in Bed”?

Kate Sloan

Sexual self-doubt is an epidemic. As if we haven’t already had sex-related shame heaped onto us since birth, a lot of sexual discourse online lumps people into a binary of “good at sex” versus “bad at sex.” Many of us are not given clear benchmarks of what these terms even mean, which makes it even more difficult to put the worry out of one’s mind: Am I a terrible lay?

 

Technique vs. approach

If worries about being bad in bed weren’t so prevalent, my industry – sex writing – would not exist as we know it. Articles abound, online and in print, that claim they’ll teach you “techniques” that will make you into some kind of sex god. Stroke the clit in a circular motion, tap the frenulum to a steady rhythm, finger-blast the G-spot hard, press a vibrator into the perineum. This type of advice is largely well-intentioned, but I think it misses the point: Being good in bed is more about your approach than your technique.

There are exceptions, of course. Sex professionals, for instance, tend to have better technique than many laypeople (pun not intended) – so I’d expect that the beauties at the Discreet Elite VIP escort agency have better blowjob skills than your average cocksucker, and pro dom(me)s are more skilled at flogging than your average kinkster. Often these people are being sought out for their skills specifically (among other things), so it makes sense that they’d have to hone their technique.

But I think, for the average person, it’s better to have a good approach to sex (which, naturally, a lot of sex professionals also have!). By that I mean: Do you pay attention to partners’ verbal and non-verbal cues in figuring out what’s working or not working during sex? Do you ask questions or invite feedback as needed, if you’re having trouble making someone feel good? Do you co-create an environment where you both(/all) feel safe to communicate openly and honestly? Do you have good psychological tools for handling difficult feelings that may come up when someone gives you constructive sexual feedback, and can you implement those tools when you need to?

I think these things matter much more than physical technique, especially since everyone likes different things in bed. Why try to navigate new territory with an old map? I think it makes more sense to learn the skills that will enable you to create new “maps” on the fly when you need to.

 

A or B?

Okay, if there’s one sexual skill you really need (aside from ascertaining consent, duh), I think this is it. Some sex educators call it the “optometrist” approach, because – like an optometrist during an eye exam – you’re going to ask your partner, “Does this work better for you, or this?”

Try it with anything; just remember to phrase it as an “either/or” question, because those are often easiest for people to answer in the heat of the moment. “Do you want it harder or softer?” “Faster or slower?” “Deeper or shallower?”

While actual verbal feedback can be super helpful, especially with a newer partner, you can also use this technique silently in your own mind to try stuff out and discover what works best. Try licking softer, and then harder, and see which gets a bigger reaction. Thrust a little deeper, then a little shallower, and stick with whichever one seems most appreciated. This might sound simple and self-explanatory, but it’s amazing how many people get so wrapped up in their own nervousness (or pleasure) during sex that they forget to pay full attention to their partner, thereby missing crucial cues that could help them get better at fucking that particular person.

 

Compassion is king

Sex is a very, very personal thing for many of us. One’s sexuality can feel core to one’s identity – so judgments on one’s sexuality can feel like judgments on one’s very existence. Those judgments, and the feelings of shame they provoke, can stay with you for months. For years. For a lifetime, in some cases.

With that in mind, I think it’s really important to foreground compassion in all of the sex we have. That doesn’t mean you have to let people steamroll your boundaries, but it does mean you should tread carefully so as not to step on any emotional landmines. Never make critical comments about someone’s body during sex, unless they’ve explicitly asked you to do so. Never laugh maliciously at a partner during sex; strive to only laugh with them, about things you both find funny or silly. If you have to criticize someone’s technique, focus moreso on “Here’s what I prefer” than on “You’re doing it wrong,” because – as ever – they’re not actually doing it wrong, they’re just not doing it the way you like it (yet).

I strongly believe that part of being good in bed is knowing how to create a safe environment for pleasure. No one can fully lean into their pleasure in your presence if they feel it’s unsafe to do so. One way to establish that safety, and to build that trust over time, is to make compassion the baseline ethic with which you approach sex. And I don’t just mean for romantic partners, either – even casual or short-lived hookups deserve the dignity of your respect and compassion. And I’d hope it would go without saying, but incase it doesn’t: You deserve partners who treat you that way too, and it’s completely fine to keep looking until you find one.

 

I’ve only been sexually active for 16 years or so; I’m sure my views on this will change even more as I grow older, and they’ve already undergone many transformations. But at this moment in time, these are the main things that I think make someone “good in bed.” Approach is everything, in my view, because a good approach helps you find the right technique(s) for the person you’re sleeping with, and helps you make them comfortable enough that they can enjoy your technique(s). How does that old saying go? “Give a man a fuck, and you satisfy him for a day. Teach a man to fuck, and he’ll satisfy his partners for a lifetime.” Something like that.

What do you think makes someone good in bed? Sound off in the comments; I wanna know!

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Nothosaur Graemen fantasy dildo

Kate Sloan

Content note: Some discussion of canine sexuality.

 

Being in the media industry, I frequently receive press releases on topics that have nothing to do with my niche. Usually I just ignore these, but sometimes they’re so incongruous as to make me burst out laughing.

That’s what happened when I received an email from a company that makes dog treats. They wanted me to promote their products on my blog. Yes, this blog. The blog where I write about dildos, lipstick, and spanking. This is not a dog blog. I’ve never even owned a dog. I don’t know anything useful about dogs, nor do my readers expect dog-related content from me. What would I even write? Something about puppy-play kink? Useful kink principles adapted from dog training protocols? The best dog names that also work well as submissive honorifics? Who the fuck knows.

I sent off a reply email to the dog treats company, explaining my apprehension. But then, after hitting “send,” I glanced over at my nightstand, where I keep the toys I’m currently reviewing. There, I saw the Nothosaur Graemen, a dildo specifically designed to look like a canine dick. Oh, I thought. I guess I do write about dogs sometimes…

Anyway, this toy is lovely, and I am much more qualified to write about dildos than about dog treats, so let’s dive right in.

 

Custom size & color

The thing I love most about Nothosaur toys is the extent to which you can customize a toy to your specifications. They let me pick whatever toy I wanted (!!), so I spent far too long perusing their entire website. I eventually landed on the Graemen because I’ve been curious about these dog-inspired dildos before (for reasons I’ll get into below) but haven’t found one I’ve really loved.

Like many Nothosaur toys, the Graemen is available in five different sizes, ranging from small (3.93″ useable length x 1.44″ knot diameter) to XXL (8.07″ x 2.93″). I went with the large size, which is right in the middle: it has a useable length of 6.10″, a head diameter of 1.29″, and a knot diameter of 2.14″.

I chose the “Night Blue” colorway, which is gorgeous: the balls and base of the dick are a deep blue, while the shaft is more of a cyan shade. I love blue, so this color combo makes me really happy. That being said, you can also get this dildo made in pretty much whatever color(s) you want.

 

Firmness

Many Nothosaur toys allow you to customize the firmness of the silicone they use when making it, as well. The Graemen is only listed as being available in medium-firmness silicone, though I imagine they might be willing to custom-make one in a different firmness if you reached out to them. Nothosaur has this absolutely awesome firmness guide on their website, which features several gifs demonstrating the different firmness options, and should be helpful for anyone trying to figure out which option to go with.

Like I said, my Graemen is technically “medium” firmness, but I’d say it’s softer/squishier than that makes it sound. I’m used to using silicone dildos that are quite a bit firmer, like those made by Tantus or Uberrime. Even dual-density silicone, the likes of which is found in VixSkin dildos, tends to have a core that is significantly firmer than my Graemen.

I generally prefer dildos on the firmer side – hence my long-standing love of glass and steel toys – but I was actually glad this one was softer, because I think the shape of it would’ve felt too extreme if it was firm. When I’m aroused enough to take the whole length of this toy’s shaft, the knot fits into me easily with a bit of lube, because of how soft and squishy it is. This results in a less intense orgasm for me, because my muscles don’t encounter much resistance during the rhythmic contractions at that time, but it makes the dildo much more comfortable and adaptable to my body for the entire rest of the session before that, so it’s a trade-off I’m happy to make some of the time.

 

[chanting] dog dick dog dick DOG DICK

Okay, technically the Graemen is supposed to be the dick of a human/wolf hybrid, not a dog. But that’s still a canine. Sort of.

If you don’t know, dogs “knot” when they mate, meaning that a section near the base of their dick swells up, locking them into place for the duration of insemination. (Sorry, I’m trying to write about this in the least gross way possible without also writing dog erotica. Being a sex writer is a hell of a ride!!)

As I’ve told you before, the concept of knotting appeals to me in fantasy when applied to humans – and I’m not alone in that, as evidenced by the huge number of people reading and writing “omegaverse” fanfiction, in which knotting is a frequent feature. The idea of your own biology “forcing” you to complete the sexual act is hot to me, in a consensual-non-consent kind of way.

But also, the knot on this dildo serves a practical purpose: once it’s inside my vaginal opening, it kind of “locks in place,” making it easier for the dildo to stay deep inside me even when I’m not physically holding it there. This is great when I’m watching porn or reading erotica, or when my hands are in too much pain to keep a good grip on the base of the toy.

 

All about that A-spot stim

This dildo has a pointed tip that makes it suitable for hitting my A-spot. It doesn’t feel as intense on that spot as something firmer would, but because it’s so soft and squishy, it causes my cervix much less pain/discomfort than firmer toys can. I often have to skip A-spot stimulation at the height of my period, for instance, because my cervix gets too sensitive and angry to tolerate much poking around up there – and a dildo like this one is a great workaround at that time, because it’s so forgiving that my cervix doesn’t get mad.

 

Balls!!!

Dildos with balls are controversial. I know people who hate ’em; I know people who love ’em. Personally, I never really cared much either way until I developed fibromyalgia, at which point holding sex toys became more challenging for me at times, due to pain and muscle weakness. As a result, I appreciate toys with proper “handles” much more now than I used to, and honestly, balls can be handles. (My apologies to the testicled among you, who may be cupping your crotch protectively upon reading that. I promise I will not yank your scrotum unless you ask me to.)

The “handle” of this dildo is particularly great because it’s got some texture on it (seemingly meant to emulate wolf pubes), which enables me to keep a better grip on it even when my hands are covered in lube.

 

Final thoughts

Some orgasms feel like (the pleasurable equivalent of) getting punched in the stomach; they knock the wind out of you and are so intense they almost hurt. Orgasms with the Nothosaur Graemen are not like that for me, because the material is so squishy; they’re more like a nice hug from a friend, comforting and cozy. I can get down with that sometimes, for sure.

I’m really impressed with the broad range of products Nothosaur offers, and the customization you can do on nearly any toy in their catalogue. I mean, hell, if you like the look of the Graemen but you want it with a cum tube, they’ve got you covered. This is a company that really lets you take control of your own pleasure, and I think that’s neat.

Knotted dildos aren’t a frequent craving for me, but when I’m in the mood to use one, this is the one I’ll reach for. It’s beautiful-looking, feels great in my hand and in my cunt, and is fun to squeeze. I mean, I’ve been playing with it like a stress ball at my desk intermittently while writing this review… and honestly? I do feel less stressed than I did before!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write an honest and fair review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 Tips for Newbie Femdoms

Kate Sloan

I’m certainly no expert at domination, being a mostly-submissive switch – but I’ve done more domming in the last few years than I’d done in my entire life before that, and so I’ve gotten a lot better at it.

I think being a “femdom” – loosely defined here as a dominant who is female (cis or trans) and/or femme – involves some complexity that isn’t always there for male and masc doms. For one thing, male dominance paired with female submission is the most common heterosexual view of what a D/s dynamic should be (this effect was highlighted in a recent Natalie Wynn video, where she referred to it as “default heterosexual sadomasochism”). As a result, feminine dominants can be seen as disrupting the sexual status quo – because they are! – and may struggle with shame or other difficult feelings around that, whether those judgments are internalized and self-inflicted, or based moreso on feedback you’re getting from the outside world.

Femdom dating sites can help with this to some extent, but it’s hard to unlearn deeply ingrained societal narratives. For this reason and many others, exploring your dommy side as a woman or feminine-leaning person can be intimidating – but here are some tricks I’ve learned that help.

 

1. Create your own persona

Another hurdle facing femdoms is that there’s still not as much variety as one would hope in media depictions of feminine dominance. For a long time, I thought I couldn’t possibly be a femdom, because every professional dominatrix I knew was hyper-confident (at least externally), wielded a whip or paddle with panache, and looked dynamite in black leather. I didn’t feel like I fit the mold, and I only started feeling comfortable in my dominance once I cobbled together my own femdom persona from other sources.

When you picture yourself feeling powerful, hot, and in control, what are you wearing? How are you speaking to people? How do you walk and gesture and move? These are good starting points for building a persona, which will hopefully feel like accessing a new facet of yourself, rather than like playing a character (although it may take you some practice and time to get there).

 

2. Tap into what you really, really want

Despite having had sexual desires and fantasies for as long as I can remember, it can be hard for me to actually pursue those desires. As a submissive with people-pleaser tendencies, I’ll often default to asking what the other person wants, or I’ll just give them what I think they want. While this isn’t the most empowering or satisfying way to submit to someone (IMO), it can definitely be done, even for the course of an entire relationship, and an unattuned dom might not even notice you’re doing it.

On the flipside, when you’re in a dominant role, your desires are central (or at least, they’ll usually appear to be, within the narrative of the scene). It sucks to fall into the trap of asking each other over and over, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” so it’s important to figure out what actually turns you on and makes you happy, and then get comfortable asking for that.

I’ll often ask my partner, before a scene, if I can take a minute to just think and feel. I’ll close my eyes and pay attention to the places in my body that are craving touch, or the fantasies that come up in my mind’s eye. Or I’ll think through some possibilities and see which one creates a visceral response in my body. (This is also incidentally how I decide what I want for dinner, lol!) The more that I practice this, the easier it gets.

I’d also recommend keeping a record of the fantasies that arise for you during masturbation, or any porn clips or erotica stories you stumble across that get you especially turned on. I always appreciate having this type of list to pull from, when I want to do a scene with my partner but am feeling uninspired.

 

3. Delegate

This one depends on your sub and what they’re into, but I’ve found it soooo helpful to delegate certain tasks to my partner which enable me to be a better domme, especially since I have energy limitations due to my fibromyalgia. These tasks include stuff like:

  • Putting together a curated list of porn clips for us to watch together before sex/a scene, so I don’t have to run the whole arousal-building process myself for both of us
  • Keeping an ongoing list, in a shared digital note, of their fantasies and wishes, etc. that I can pull from as needed
  • Handling certain household tasks for me (or making/sending me dinner), so I have more time/energy to plan scenes and build my own desire level
  • Self-monitoring their adherence to our protocols, using an app like Streaks, so that I can confirm that they’ve done the tasks I assigned them, without needing to proactively enforce all the rules myself

 

I think it’s really important, overall, to understand that dominance looks different for everyone, and so does submission. Each D/s dynamic is unique and should be customized to the individuals within it. You don’t have to hold yourself to unreasonable standards, and your partner(s) shouldn’t, either. Find your way of being dominant, little by little, through trial and error, and you’ll build up those muscles (figuratively and perhaps literally!).

Fellow femdoms of all stripes, what other tips do you wish you’d gotten when you started?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: EdenFantasys Wonder air-pulse wand massager

Kate Sloan

Vibrators that attempt to multi-task are really hit-or-miss, I have found. Sometimes they’re a chaotic mess, their motor failing under the weight of an overstuffed feature list. And sometimes, they’re well-engineered works of art, proof that their designers’ ambitiousness has paid off.

The EdenFantasys Wonder is… a secret third thing, somehow. Let’s discuss.

 

What is the EdenFantasys Wonder?

I asked EdenFantasys to send me this toy to review because I’d never seen another one quite like it.

It’s ostensibly a wand vibrator, except that embedded in the head of the wand is a pressure-wave nozzle, the likes of which you’d find on a Womanizer-type toy. The toy’s instructions call it “membrane pulsation,” because this technology causes a thin silicone membrane to quickly rumble back and forth, creating suction within the toy’s “mouth.”

However, the “mouth” or nozzle itself is just a silicone attachment that goes over the head of the “wand” and can be removed. If you use the pulsation function without this attachment on, you get pure unadulterated rumbling against your clit (or wherever).

The “handle” of the toy is actually a vibrator, suitable for vaginal insertion (I wouldn’t call this toy anal-safe because it doesn’t have a flared base). The vibration in the handle can be controlled independently from the pulsation in the head.

 

Pulsation membrane (right) and optional attachment that goes over it (left)

Things I like about this toy

  • My clit really digs the pulsation function! It’s rumbly, satisfying, and decently strong. It reminds me of the low-to-middling settings of the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen, except the membrane is smaller and flatter than the PulsePlate on the Pulse Queen, so it doesn’t target my clit quite as effectively. As with most thumping/tapping toys of this kind, the Wonder’s pulsation slows down a bit when you apply pressure, but this one actually isn’t too egregious in that regard at all. I think I’d be able to reach orgasm with this pulsation function if only it had more than 3 steady speeds (see below).
  • I think it’s cool and unexpected that this toy comes with an attachment so you can vary the sensations you get from the pulsation function. It feels pretty different with versus without the attachment, and I think I generally prefer it without, as pulsation directly against my clit feels better to me than the tapping/mild suction-esque sensation I get when I use it with the attachment. Having the option to do either is a big plus, though, because it makes this toy even more versatile.
  • The insertable handle actually works really well as a dildo for me. It’s long (about 7″) and has a slight upward curve near the tip, which is the exact shape I always describe when people ask me about toys that can hit the A-spot. It’s also got some ribbed texture along the shaft, which feels good gliding back and forth against my vaginal walls as I thrust. I will say, I don’t like the vibration that the handle offers (more on that below), but when I use it with the vibration turned off, and pair it with another vibrator (or my fingers) on my clit, it feels great.
  • I find this toy refreshingly ergonomic to hold, as someone who struggles with hand pain at times. When I’m using the pulsation function on my clit, the handle fits perfectly in my hand, its ridged texture allowing me to maintain my grip even when my hands are lubey. When I flip it around and use the handle as a dildo inside me, I can place two fingers on either side of the wand’s neck, which gives me a good grip without needing to squeeze too hard (similar to the tiered handle on the dildo I designed). Initially I was a bit annoyed that this toy is shaped like a wand but isn’t a wand in the traditional sense (i.e. the head doesn’t vibrate), but I actually think the wand shape would make it easier for many people to hold and position how they want it.
  • The buttons are LED-lighted, easy to understand, satisfyingly clicky, and are positioned in an intuitive spot on the handle. Seems basic, but you would not believe how many sex toy companies fuck up buttons.
  • It’s waterproof! Hell yes!

 

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • The main issue is that the handle’s vibration is way too buzzy. Like, uncomfortably so. No matter where I use them – on my clit, inside my vag, even just lightly grazing my labia – the vibrations feel itchy, irritating, and surface-level, because they’re just too buzzy/high-pitched.
  • The pulsation and vibration functions each have 10 settings, only the first 3 of which are steady; after that, you have to cycle through 7 additional patterns to get back to the first setting. If you’ve read my reviews before, you’ve probably heard this rant: IMO, every mechanical toy should have at least 6-8 steady settings, and patterns should always be accessed via a separate button, to prevent the annoyance of having to scroll through all of them to get back to the lowest setting. As is, there just isn’t enough gradation or variety between the 3 steady speeds of either function for me to smoothly build toward orgasm with it.
  • I ultimately don’t feel like either function is powerful enough to get me off by itself. Again, it would’ve been awesome if the company had prioritized having a wider range of steady speeds (including some stronger ones), rather than adding more patterns.

 

Final thoughts

As a multi-tasker vibe, the EdenFantasys Wonder has a lot going for it – its pulsation function is pleasurable and unusual, the inclusion of an optional attachment widens the possibilities of how this toy can feel in use, and its insertable handle makes it even more versatile somehow.

At $64.99 (at time of writing), I think the Wonder is reasonably priced for the amount of functions it has. I just wish it were more powerful, had more settings, and had rumblier vibration in the handle. One thing I know for sure: it’s not like any wand I’ve tried before, which I guess is what makes it such a Wonder.

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen

Kate Sloan

I haven’t loved a new sex toy this much in a long time.

A long, LONG time.

Here’s how much I love this toy: I’ve barely used my Eroscillator since I got it. The Eroscillator is my all-time favorite sex toy, and is the vibe I normally use during at least 80% of my sex and masturbation sessions, because it gives me incredible orgasms unlike I’ve ever had with another toy.

Until the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen.

 

One of Hot Octopuss’s classic penis vibes. Image via the company.

What is the Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen? + some nerdy shit about sex toy history

Amongst sex toy geeks like myself, Hot Octopuss is primarily known for its penis vibrators, like the Pulse Solo Essential and the Pulse III Duo. These wrap around the penis and stimulate the frenulum. There are two main reasons these are notable: their motors are very fucking good (rumbly, strong, a range of settings), and they can be used whether your dick is hard or soft. This last point makes them more accessible than most penis toys for people with erectile dysfunction, and even for people with spinal cord injuries.

Hot Octopuss’s Pulse line uses a proprietary technology called PulsePlate, which offers “powerful, high-amplitude oscillations” rather than traditional vibration. Apparently the founder decided to develop this technology upon reading a study about penile vibration being used to elicit ejaculation in men with a spinal cord injury. The researchers found that “high-amplitude” vibrators were the most effective for triggering ejaculation, but the vibrator they used was a medical tool designed specifically for this purpose. Hot Octopuss decided to make a consumer product that could do the same thing.

“High-amplitude” means that the vibrator moves a wider distance on each rotation, rather than just buzzing in place – so basically, the sensation is more “rumbly” than a standard vibrator, and feels like it goes deeper than surface-level.

Naturally, since the penis and the clitoris are analogous to one another, it makes total sense that these oscillations would feel good on vulvas as well as dicks. That said, when Hot Octopuss initially launched a PulsePlate toy for vulvas – the Queen Bee, which I reviewed back in 2017 – it didn’t go well. The toy was too broad and flat to feel impactful on my clit, it weakened significantly when any amount of pressure was applied to it, and was egregiously loud. Other reviewers, like my friends Epiphora and Lilly, had similar grievances.

But the team at Hot Octopuss seems to have gone back to the drawing board after that, and what they came up with is so much better. I asked the company for clarification on the differences; according to them, here are some of the qualities the Pulse Queen ($99 at SheVibe) has, that the Queen Bee did not:

  • The PulsePlate is made of silicone this time (which is body-safe and non-porous), instead of TPE (which is porous)
  • The PulsePlate now has a 4 mm “peak” instead of just being flat, making it better at targeting the clitoris
  • The toy is smaller, lighter, and more ergonomic
  • The design/aesthetic has been updated
  • It’s quieter

One quibble, before we move on to my experience with this toy: Hot Octopuss is marketing the Pulse Queen as a wand, and it’s not really a wand. Wand vibes have a specific shape, functionality, and history as a category. The Pulse Queen is powerful like wands tend to be, sure, but it actually reminds me more of another classic vibe shape that dates back many years like the wand does. I think it’s more like a Wahl – some people say this type of vibe is gun-shaped, some say it’s hairdryer-shaped, but either way, it has a lineage in the vibrator space that you can trace back for decades, and I think that’s pretty cool.

 

Things I love about the Pulse Queen

PulsePlate technology (& killer orgasms): Okay, I won’t bury the lede any more than I already have. This thing makes me come so hard, so reliably, and so satisfyingly. Do you know how rare it is that I can say that about a toy I review? VERY RARE.

It’s all about that PulsePlate. The oscillations really do feel like they get deeper into my body than standard vibrations do. My whole clitoral network feels involved in the arousal and orgasms this toy gives me, from the surface-level parts of my clit to the deeply buried internal parts. I have the type of orgasms with this toy where I can still feel my entire clit pulsing and pleasantly aching for like 20-30 minutes afterward. Usually I only have that kind of orgasm when I use my beloved Eroscillator or an especially rumbly wand.

These oscillations also don’t numb me out like traditional vibrators do, or at least only minimally. This makes it easier for me to have multiple orgasms, since my sensitivity is preserved throughout the session/day. I’m not normally a very multiorgasmic gal, since it can take a lot of work/time for me to get off, but it’s noticeably easier with the Pulse Queen than with standard vibes.

I actually think the Pulse Queen is making me hornier, in that way that sometimes happens with new partners or especially great new sex toys. The way it rumbles my internal clit seems to make me more sensitive and more prone to random arousal during the day. Wild.

Range of intensities & modes: The Pulse Queen has 7 modes (steady oscillation + 6 patterns), each of which has 9 speeds. That’s a lot of variety and versatility.

The patterns are fine. I dunno. They’re patterns. I’m just not that into patterns. But there’s some rhythmic pulsing and some more erratic modes if you want ’em. Personally I just keep the toy on its steady mode.

The first speed is a gentle rumble that’s fantastic for building arousal early on. From there, it moves up in reasonable increments, topping out at a truly impressive, wand-like intensity. At its highest, I would say it’s comparable to the second speed of the Magic Wand Rechargeable (on which I only ever use the first and second speeds). I don’t tend to go past the 6th speed out of 9 on the Pulse Queen, because it’s so rumbly that I just don’t need more power than that.

Pictured with my Switch

Ergonomics & ease of use: I find the Pulse Queen really easy to hold and use, compared to the Queen Bee and many other high-powered vibes. It’s got a slightly curved handle for comfort, and the oscillations don’t conduct into the handle too much. The buttons are easy to locate and press, and I almost never press the wrong one by accident. My hand and wrist don’t get tired when using the Pulse Queen, even if I’m moving it around my vulva a lot during a session. All of these qualities are hard to find in vibes this powerful, so as a vibrator connoisseur with chronic pain and hand strength issues, I’m a big fan of this toy.

Aesthetics: I squealed aloud at my computer when I received the initial press release about the Pulse Queen, because it’s so damn pretty. The turquoise color is one of my absolute favorites – hence having a Nintendo Switch Lite and a duvet cover that are the same color, among other things! – and I love the color-coordinated ombré button panel. It’s all really thoughtfully designed, and it looks gorgeous on my nightstand (or, more often, in my bed, at the ready!).

It’s fully fucking waterproof!!: It’s extremely rare for a vibrator this strong to also be waterproof. I love to jerk off in the bath when I get a chance, but I only have one wand I really love that’s waterproof (the Lelo Smart Wand 2), so usually I end up using smaller toys in the tub instead, like the We-Vibe Tango X. So, needless to say, I’m thrilled that the Pulse Queen is waterproof, and I’m sure it’ll be my bathtime companion on many future occasions.

 

Things I don’t love about the Pulse Queen

Battery life: The product page on the Hot Octopuss website says that the Pulse Queen “lasts for 40 minutes when fully charged – more than enough time for you to enjoy yourself again and again… and again.” It’s a bit strange to brag about a vibrator’s 40-minute battery life, when most rechargeable vibes at this price point will last for 90 minutes or more. I also personally couldn’t reach three orgasms in under 40 minutes as they describe, but hey, that’s me. I will say, however, that I think I’ve used my Pulse Queen for longer than 40 minutes in total without it dying – so maybe that number is based on usage at the highest speed; who knows.

Noise level: While the Pulse Queen definitely isn’t as loud as the Queen Bee was, it’s still loud, especially on the highest speeds. But I would say it’s comparable to the noise output of a standard wand. I live with a sex-positive roommate and (as mentioned) I also tend to use my Pulse Queen at the lower speeds for the most part, so this isn’t a huge issue for me personally, but it’s notable nonetheless.

Cissexism: I know the industry makes it difficult for sex toy companies to market their products successfully without resorting to cissexist terms like “for men” and “for women,” when anatomy-specific terms like “clitoral vibrator” or “penis vibrator” would be more appropriate. That being said, a note on the Hot Octopuss website says, “We are trans-aware and LGBTQ+ friendly. We are always learning,” and there’s even a whole “Sex Toys for Every Body” page on the site meant to help LGBTQ+ customers feel more included and heard. Given their stated commitment to gender-inclusivity, it’s confusing that Hot Octopuss chose to include the gendered term “queen” in the name of another toy when they didn’t have to. It may alienate some trans and nonbinary users who might otherwise enjoy the toy.

 

Final thoughts

The Hot Octopuss Pulse Queen has made me feel excited about masturbation again, in a way I haven’t for a while. The orgasms it gives me are intense, deeply pleasurable, and satisfying, and yet somehow they make me want more.

It remains fascinating to me that the technology used in this toy (and some other Hot Octopuss toys) was developed based on actual medical research. The company refers to its vibrators’ 33-hertz rate as “the pleasure frequency,” and I’m no vibration scientist, but my clit agrees.

At $99, this is a reasonably priced alternative to a wand. You should consider the Pulse Queen if any of the following things are true:

  • You like a lot of power, but have found wands numbing or overstimulating in the past
  • Issues with strength, mobility, or pain have made standard wands difficult for you to use
  • You’ve tried vibrators before, and are curious about what other sensations your body can experience
  • You’ve never used a vibrator before; the Pulse Queen’s oscillations range from mellow to maxed-out, so it’s a good introduction to vibes

I really love this toy, in a way that has made me remember why I started writing about sex toys in the first place. It makes me smile. It makes me moan. It makes me feel fired up for a future where everyone can access pleasure if they want to, regardless of their gender, anatomy, or (dis)ability level.

But most of all, it makes me come really, really hard – and given the relative scarcity of pleasure in our chaotic world right now, I appreciate that more than ever.

 

You can get the Pulse Queen at SheVibe for $99.

 

Thanks to Hot Octopuss for sending me this product! They didn’t pay me to review it. I really do just love it.