The best advice I ever got was from my late grandmother, who used to say to me: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.”
The more time that has passed, the more useful and true I have found this to be. How could I have known, without pitching them, that the Magic Wand company would happily commission me to make a podcast miniseries about their product? How could I have known that the “Twitter admirer” I later married indeed wanted to make out with me on our first date, if I hadn’t asked her? How could I have found beautiful apartments to live in, rad new publications to write for, or new friends in improv classes, if I hadn’t had the guts to reach out and ask for what I wanted?
I think this advice applies across the board in life, but of course, as a sex-&-relationships nerd, I’m most inclined to implement it in those areas. It’s especially useful to ask for what you want in bed when you’ve just started talking to someone new – whether you met them through mutual friends, over social media, or on the best dating app for LGBTQ in USA – because it can help you quickly filter out people you’re not compatible with, thereby being able to move onto more suitable prospects sooner. No sense in dragging out a doomed connection, if you ask me!
I know asking for what you want is hard as fuck, though, so here are 5 of my favorite tried-and-true methods of raising a beloved kink with a new person:
“Have you ever tried ___?”
I like this because it’s simple, effective, and direct, without being like, “Do you want to ___ with me right now?!” which runs the risk of scaring people off, even if they might otherwise warm up to what you’re asking. When you inquire about someone’s experience level with a particular kink or dynamic, you might learn that they’re horrified by the very idea, or you might instead learn that they’ve tried it several times and have very specific thoughts on how they’d like to do it next. Again, you never know until you ask!
“Have you seen [insert media property here]? What did you think of that scene where ___?”
One of the many joys of consuming great media (and sometimes even subpar media): it can be an easy gateway into conversations we want to have about sex and relationships. Whether you’re ascertaining a new beau’s stance on spanking by citing Secretary, sleuthing out a partner’s feelings on lifestyle D/s by invoking Fifty Shades of Grey, or assessing someone’s views on polyamory through the lens of Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, media references are a fabulously low-pressure way to dig into the conversations you want to be having.
“What do you think some people find hot about ___?”
This one is best utilized when talking to a sex nerd, someone who seems inclined to puzzle through the mysteries of the human sexual psyche with you. You can parlay a theoretical conversation about kink motivations into a more direct and personal conversation about your own kink motivations – if they don’t recoil at the very thought of the kink you’re pondering, which unfortunately can happen sometimes. This is also a good way to gauge someone’s general sex-positivity and empathy toward those with different sexualities from them.
“Would you ever wanna ___ with me?”
A bigger (and scarier) swing than a lot of these more indirect approaches, for sure, but sometimes the moment calls for that! I like this particular phrasing because it’s less urgently pressurey than “Do you wanna ___ [right now/tomorrow/next weekend]?” and it’s bolder and clearer than a vague “How do you feel about ___?” This phrasing also leaves the door open for them to raise any concerns or caveats they may have: “You know, I’d love to, but only if we [keep the lights off/pre-negotiate our aftercare needs/have experimental jazz blaring in the background]!”
“Can I show you a hot porn clip where ___? Then, if you want, you can show me a video you like!”
You’re definitely gonna wanna ‘read the room’ on this one, since some people would be aghast at the mere mention of watching porn with a partner, let alone kinky porn… but if your sweetheart seems open-minded, a co-curated smut screening can be a good way to open up to each other about your desires, without having to use your words. (Although, ideally, you would then use your words when negotiating the specifics of what you want to do together.) And naturally, porn is meant to arouse, so it functions as great foreplay for whatever comes next!
What are your favorite methods of bringing up kinks with new people you’re seeing?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
