Photos by mb, of me finding out that Nick Jonas was performing in the Miscast video we were watching, lol
I am a good reactor. That is to say, I am good at reacting to things. I used to think this wasn’t even a skill – but through sex, kink, and comedy, I’ve learned that it absolutely is.
Over the course of a typical week, I’ll attend at least one improv show, and have kinky phone sex with a partner at least once. While these two activities occur in different places, contexts, and headspaces, in many ways I bring the same skills to the table for both: I dial up my natural reactions slightly, making more noise than I would if I was alone, because my responses serve a social function. They communicate what I’m enjoying, which helps the partner or performer hone their approach over time; they encourage any others present to react more openly too – and perhaps most crucially of all, they provide positive feedback which can make someone feel good, motivated, and appreciated.
Audience members at comedy shows might think they matter less than the performers they came to see, but without attentive audiences, performers simply couldn’t do what they do, or at least wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much. And by the same principle, when you’re bottoming (i.e. receiving sensation) in a kink scene, you might feel like you’re “not really doing anything” and like your top is “doing all the work” – when, in fact, it’s your receptiveness and reactivity that’s making their “work” feel like play! They might even feel lucky to get to top someone like you.
Suffice it to say: Bottoms aren’t just punching bags and cock sleeves – we’re a living, breathing, positive feedback loop, with skills worth boasting about. How do you build those skills, though? I could talk about this for hours, but here are 3 quick tips from my years of bottoming:
Amplify your reactions
A lot of people learn to be ultra-quiet when receiving pleasure (or pain, for that matter) while growing up, so for some of us, it may not come naturally to make noise at first. However, you can practice this skill, like anything else.
Moaning (or gasping, whimpering, etc.) is not automatically inauthentic just because you consciously choose to do it. You’re merely turning up the volume on your natural reactions to make them more legible to your top, which they will find both hot and useful. It gets easier the more that you do it, I swear. (And if you hate making noise in a silent room, put some music/white noise/rain sounds on, for fuck’s sake!)
Unlearn your people-pleaser tendencies
If you, like me, struggle with a compulsion to always say ‘yes’ and do what people expect of you, you might just be a people-pleaser. It’s an understandable maladaptation, but when it comes to bottoming, it can corrode the connection between you and your top. In order to play safely, they need to trust that you will safeword or say ‘no’ if you want/need to – which means you have to be able to say ‘no,’ even to someone you really like, and even when you’re incoherent from subspace.
I needed a few years of trauma therapy to address this issue, but even just saying ‘no’ to your partner about innocuous things (e.g. “Do you want Mexican food tonight?” “No, I had Mexican food last night…”) can be good practice. Work that muscle until it’s strong!
Ask yourself why
When something feels good during sex/kink, either physically or psychologically, ask yourself why that is. In other words, ask yourself what you liked about it, and file your answers away. Do the same for anything you decidedly don’t like – what made it unpleasant for you? You can share this info with tops as needed.
One of the things tops have consistently complimented me on is that I know what I like/want/need – but it took a lot of work for me to get to that point! Self-knowledge is often hard-won, and expressing that self-knowledge to someone else can feel super vulnerable – but that’s part of what makes kink such a beautiful practice: it invites us to know ourselves and our partners better, to see different sides of ourselves, to uncover the deep ‘whys’ of our own pleasures and joys.
Fellow bottoms, what other skills do you think are important for us to hone?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
I’ve been writing sex toy reviews for 13 and a half years (!!), and in that time, I have experimented a lot with form and genre. These days, you’ll mostly see me writing within a specific template, because it’s easiest to write, easiest to skim through, and does well on Google… but if I had my druthers (and my link juice), I would much rather write reviews that are a bit more creative! And I’m sure I will again, someday, when the right toys come along.
To hopefully help inspire other writers, here’s a list of 10 alternate formats that make for great sex toy reviews…
1. Erotica story
It’s a classic for a reason! Lots of people are turned on by sex toy reviews, and you can always lean into that, if you feel comfortable doing so. For instance, I’ll occasionally start a review with a flowery retelling of my first session with a toy, or of the first time I used it with a partner, etc. Some would say this’ll make readers more likely to click your affiliate links, too, since a horny shopper is an eager shopper…
2. Diary entry
As a lifelong diarist, I adore this method. One of my favorite examples is Girl on the Net’s review of the We-Vibe Nova, in which the vibrator becomes a jumping-off point from which to talk about her recent gut-wrenching breakup. Sex toys aren’t just mechanical objects – they can also trigger old memories and stir up emotions, from elation to loneliness to resentment to rage. There’s no use in keeping your toy review’s tone placid and peaceful if that wasn’t your experience of the toy!
3. Cultural commentary
Another fave of mine… Trends in the sex toy industry are often predicated on larger sociocultural trends, which are interesting to point out and commentate on. For example: Why are realistic dildos seen as more threatening than non-representational ones? What does the sometimes-racist marketing of strokers say about the past and present of racial politics? And what do clitoral suction toys say about gender?
4. Comedy of errors
Typically I don’t plan to write this type of review, but sometimes a testing session goes so thoroughly awry that I have to… like when a glass egg got stuck in my vagina, or when I tried to stick a shoe in my ass. Hey, nobody said a sex toy review couldn’t have plot, jokes, or the looming threat of danger!
5. Love letter
Some sex toys really are that good. You can write a Shakespearian soliloquy to your favorite one, or an erotic missive, or a heart-rendingly romantic screed – whatever comes pouring out of you, so to speak.
6. How-to
This works best for especially complex or unusual sex toys, the likes of which a reader may not have encountered before. How do you set up a Sybian? How can you work vibrating nipple clamps into a variety of kink scenes? What are the best practices for wielding a rubber flogger?
7. Lab report
I could see this format working well for a toy that makes a particular, falsifiable claim, such as “It’ll always bring you to orgasm in 60 seconds or less.” Test the hypothesis, quantify your results, and publish your findings! (See Danielle Bezalel’s Magic Wand experiment for a fantastic example.)
8. Fashion piece
I’ve done it before and I’m sure I’ll do it again. Some sex toys are just so cute-looking that they deserve to be coordinated with your outfit(s). This format works especially well for wearable items, like bondage harnesses.
9. Fiction vignettes
I used to sometimes write pieces about what toys I thought would be found in the nightstand drawers of specific fictional characters I adored, like Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl or Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Similarly, you could write about various different fictional people trying out the toy and what their experience of it might be. This is a fun way to show different facets of a toy’s capabilities.
10. Interview
No, I’m not suggesting you interview a sex toy… although you can certainly try! What I actually mean by this one is: you could use a toy with a partner (or multiple partners) and then interview them about the experience. Sometimes, people who aren’t in the sex toy industry at all will have surprisingly great insights about products’ shortcomings and upsides – and could there ever be a better testimonial than “I begrudgingly agreed to test this out for my partner and then it made me come harder than I could ever have predicted”?!
What are your favorite alternate formats for sex toy reviews, dear readers?
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Dirty talk intimidates a lot of folks, for the same reason many people would be terrified to get on a stage and do improv: “What do I say?! And what if I make a fool of myself and get laughed at?”
But as with improv, it gets easier the more that you practice, I promise. Here are 4 quick suggestions of settings ‘n’ situations that lend themselves well to dirty-talk drills…
1. Talk out loud when you masturbate
Often, the least intimidating way to try something new sexually is to incorporate it into solo sex first. To quote my own book: “Hey, even world-class actors rehearse in private before performing for an audience!”
You could describe the fantasies flitting through your mind, say the things you wish a partner would say to you, or just narrate what you’re physically doing. The point is to get used to saying the words, without filtering yourself too much. If you get stuck, just pretend to be your favorite porn star (or the hottest dirty-talker from your sexual history), and say what they would say!
2. Read erotica aloud to one another
This is often easier than coming up with your own original material, as it were, because it gives you plausible deniability: “Oh, it wasn’t me who dreamed up those filthy ideas – it was the author, whose words I was simply reciting!” 😇
But this also gives you practice saying sexy words out loud, and lets you appreciate your partner’s reactions to the hottest parts, which may motivate you to try your hand at dirty talk without a script someday.
3. Text your partner “I was just thinking about…”
Sexting is lower-pressure than dirty-talking aloud for many people, so you could always start there. I’ll sometimes tell my partner what I fantasized about during a masturbation session earlier that day, or I might describe a hot erotica story I read or cool porn clip I watched.
Sure, sometimes I feel a flash of shame as I convey these things – that’s natural, in a sex-negative world that frequently punishes authentic expressions of desire – but that’s why it’s good to practice. The more shame I work through, the less of it I feel.
4. Fantasize together at a sex shop
Sometimes, when words fail you, it can be helpful to shop sex toys together – the objects on the shelves act as inspiration, much like the ‘suggestion’ that prompts an improv scene!
Weave through the aisles with your sweetheart and point out products that catch your eye, whispering to each other if you dare: “I’d love to bend you over and use that paddle on you.” “Your cock would look so good sinking into that stroker.” “I’d hold that vibe on you until your eyes rolled back in your head.” 😈 Maybe you’ll buy something, maybe not – but the communication you’ll open up between the two of you is priceless.
What are your favorite ways to practice talking dirty when you feel a little rusty at it?
This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Ever feel stuck in your kinks, like you’re just looping the same fantasies in your head every time you jerk off/have sex, unable to break free from your own patterns?
Trust me, I’ve been there. While I’d never advise you to shame yourself for your desires, sometimes it’s not shame so much as boredom and monotony that make us want to expand our kink palates and palettes. Humans thrive on novelty, after all, and even your all-time favorite treat might leave you wanting more at times. (A lady cannot live on chocolate cake alone, as much as she might want to…!)
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that you can liven up your kink life by playing with people whose kinks differ from yours – ideally people with whom you have some overlap, but plenty of differences, too. As a fetishist friend of mine once put it (while consensually threatening to do a knife-play scene with me!), “I mean, we aren’t looking to be life partners here. Maybe just learn some stuff.”
This resonated with me deeply because, for me, so much of kink is about learning: it’s a lens through which to continually discover and rediscover what interests you, what excites you, and what you’re capable of. And in kink as in the rest of life, we often learn the most from people who are very different from us – because they inspire us to try things we otherwise wouldn’t have considered, and therefore to reveal new facets of our sexualities and selves.
For instance, if I hadn’t met my now-wife, whose biggest kink is erotic hypnosis, I doubt I would have fully realized how much pleasure I get from flow-state-esque headspaces like trance and subspace. Trance allowed me to explore alternate forms of bondage, too – ones that constrained me using the power of my own mind, instead of ropes or chains, which was cool and hot in totally unexpected ways.
It was also through my wife’s love of hypnosis that we discovered my fondness for dollification, bimbofication, and other forms of “intelligence play” – which have been surprisingly healing endeavors for me, as someone whose smarts have long been the load-bearing center of her identity and who sometimes needs a break from carrying that mantle.
So, this week my advice to you is: Find a way to expand your kink horizons by connecting with someone whose tastes are way outside your wheelhouse. Could some new friends at a munch introduce you to your Next Big Thing? Could a random, exhibitionistic Omegle video call free your mind by letting you play a role in somebody else’s fantasy? Could filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list with a current partner lead the two of you down entirely new paths together, that you wouldn’t have stumbled onto without discussing not only your similarities but also your beautiful differences? Only time will tell… and you won’t know until you try! 😉
This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Sometimes, readers of this blog will send me emails that say, “Have you ever written about [x intimate subject]? I searched your blog and could only find minor references to [x sexual experience], nothing in-depth!”
And I will then have to say, “Yes, that information is paywalled on purpose, because it’s just too juicy for public consumption. Here’s the link.”
The truth is, while you might think that blogging about my sex life for 13+ years would have made me more open, I’ve actually learned a lot over the years about what not to share publicly – either because it’s too controversial and I don’t want to get into pedantic arguments over it, or because it’s so personal that I don’t want certain people in my life to read it, or because it’s simply so juicy that I’d feel psychologically exposed if it was freely available online. Writing your heart out is a skillset, and part of that skillset is knowing when to hold back!
With that in mind, I thought I’d give you a little preview of the juiciest, most personal, raw, and low-key embarrassing pieces I’ve written for my paid newsletter so far this year. When you sign up for just $5/month, you instantly get access to all of these pieces, plus the hundreds of other past essays behind that paywall. It’s a great way to support my work so I can keep doing it – because, as you might have noticed, the U.S. government and payment processors are currently hellbent on making it more and more difficult for queer, kinky, and sex-positive creators to earn a living from their work. I really might have to pack it in and get a boring vanilla job one of these days (!!), if things continue going as they are – so I deeply appreciate any and all financial support my readers generously offer, as it literally enables me to continue writing. Thank you! 🙏
In which I tell you how & why I started flirting with a cute movie nerd from Twitter, and what happened next:
Perhaps the pandemic had put me in a learned-helplessness state of mind, where life felt like it was happening ‘to’ me – like life was an unruly ship teetering on the roiling seas, and I couldn’t get a grip on the steering wheel.
But there are certain things I can still control. Like whether I send a DM to a cute boy.
And so I did… and DMing turned to texting, which turned to watching movies together, just as my silly-sweet fantasies had prophesied – albeit online, and not on a sofa, since we don’t live in the same country. It feels cozy in its own way: we chat and flirt and commiserate about the world, we’re working our way through the Hitchcock filmography week by week, and my friends will often ask me “How are things going with your Movieboy?” which always makes me smile.
In which I judge myself for jerking off to fantasies that, in some ways, match the status quo:
I don’t even necessarily think there’s anything wrong with fantasizing about virgins, no matter what gender you are… but the problem is that fantasies can sometimes inform our real-life behaviors and attitudes in harmful ways, especially when those fantasies align with destructive myths and narratives that exist in the real world. We need to be self-aware about our fantasies and what they reinforce in our minds, and we don’t need to fetishize all the same things that the larger culture fetishizes; in fact, it can be wildly illuminating to deeply probe the places where your own desires diverge from “normative” ones.
And that’s part of what I find so compelling about my own virgin fantasies: they buck cultural trends with a bit o’ gender-swapping. A male virgin reads quite differently, culturally speaking, than a female one; I wish gendered inequalities didn’t exist, but they certainly lend some interesting complexity to sexual fantasies at times!
In which I share all the tips ‘n’ tricks I’ve learned about forcing myself to get turned on, even when I don’t feel like it, because my job requires it:
Sure, I could review a sex toy from an unaroused state – but would you want to read a restaurant review written by someone who’d eaten a full meal before going into the joint they were meant to review? Probably not, because the reviewer wouldn’t be physically or mentally equipped at that time (in all likelihood) to give the restaurant a fair shake. Likewise, I need to be sufficiently aroused when I test sex toys; otherwise I just feel like my genitals are being poked and prodded, and that experience would make for a pretty boring and useless review.
So needless to say, my uncharacteristically low libido made it troublesome that I was contractually on the hook to fuck three dildos this week. As a result, those testing sessions were some of the most difficult I’ve ever had – which, let’s face it, it’s masturbating in my own comfy bed, so even at rock-bottom, it’s hardly a gruelling day at the office (or in the mines)! But nonetheless, it was a comedy of errors from start to finish…
In which I process my feelings about being rejected by an improv crush – and, simultaneously, offer advice I’ve learned from the many times I’ve been rejected:
Step 3: Remember it’s not personal.
Here’s a paradox for ya: You shouldn’t take it personally when someone isn’t attracted to you, because attraction is so personal.
I know that’s confusing, so I’ll explain what I mean. The patterns of human attraction are a swirling mystery, even to people who study them professionally. The qualities which attract us to (or repel us from) potential partners can be influenced by our past and our present, our exes and our ones-who-got-away, our insecurities and neuroses, our mood and mindset, where we are in our hormonal cycle, and infinite other factors. And furthermore, there’s not a whole lot we can do to change what we are and are not attracted to. If you’ve ever met someone who seemed great “on paper” but just didn’t spark anything in you, then you know exactly how frustrating this can be – and how futile it is to “force it”!
When someone rejects us, we often hear it as “Eww, absolutely not, you’re gross!” – especially since sometimes people are assholes and do literally say stuff like that! – but the truth is, their rejection is a statement about their own attractions, and not about your attractiveness, both of which are entirely subjective. As Dita Von Teese says, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”
In which I tell you about the closest I ever got to being a ‘love addict,’ what that felt like, and how I got out of it:
Just as compulsive lottery-ticket purchasers will envision all the houses and yachts and Rolexes they could buy with their winnings, I would fantasize endlessly about this hypothetical person: what they would be like, how we would treat each other, the places we would go and things we would do together. These fantasies looped in my mind during many a boring journalism-school lecture; headline math and defamation law could never hold my attention quite like the promise of a sparklier, happier life.
Because that was ultimately the purpose of all this swiping and all this fantasizing: it was a mad search for happiness. I believed, deep in my bones, that there was a person out there who was perfect for me, and that I would be able to find them if I only tried hard enough. I believed that finding the right love would fix my entire life in one fell swoop: relieve my ceaseless anxiety and depression, brighten my days, turn the volume down on all my problems until I couldn’t hear them over the din of devotion. I believed, in essence, that an ideal partner would come along someday – maybe even someday soon! – and save me from everything, including from myself.
In which my experience hooking up with someone from the /r/RandomActsOfMuffDive subreddit (a.k.a. RAoMD) triggered my people-pleaser issues like whoa:
I was punctual, but he was already there when I arrived, sipping a drink at the bar. He’d chosen the spot. A decade ago, I might’ve said, “Oh, anywhere’s fine!” but since this entire saga is an exercise in self-actualization, I decided to practice asserting a desire, and requested that he choose a place where I could get a dirty gin martini. It was wild to feel my people-pleaser impulses roar to life at even such a mild provocation. He’s going to think you’re too high-maintenance, that old voice insisted. He’s going to think you’re a spoiled princess. (Never mind that many RAoMD posts specifically seek a “pillow princess”…)
He didn’t think that, evidently. Or maybe he did and it turned him on, I don’t know. But in any case, I claimed the barstool next to his, went in for a handshake-not-a-hug for some reason, and ordered my customary martini. He threw down a credit card to pay for it immediately, and I gritted my teeth to fight the impulse to reach for my own wallet, while the people-pleaser voice in my head continued shouting, What kind of self-important brat makes a man pay for her drink when she doesn’t even intend to sleep with him at the end of the night? (Did I mention that my inner people-pleaser is also hella misogynist? Thanks, society!)
In which the aforementioned Random Act of Muff Dive takes place, and I practice advocating for myself while a handsome man is faceplanted in my pussy:
I know the sex was good because my memories of it are hazy, dreamy. He spent at least an hour just kissing my neck and chest, biting and scratching my skin, pulling my hair, massaging my muscles, and melting me into a slurring mess. I got high on the endorphins, gasping and trembling with pleasure, lost in a sea of sensation. All the best sex I’ve ever had has been like this. And he hadn’t even taken my underwear off yet.
I’d like to be able to tell you that when he did, everything continued to be awesome – but there was a bit of a snag. I had been so thoroughly reduced to mush that I wasn’t able to give feedback on technique in the moment, and his approach to pussy-eating was laser-focused on my clit: direct, intense, and pinpointed. While I know there are many vulva-owners who like nothing better than to have their clit’s bare tip flicked and sucked, I’ve never been able to handle such an onslaught. My clit needs to be gently romanced, through the clitoral hood and inner labia. It’s not at all uncommon for new partners to require some direction before they can go down on me the way I like – and, had this man not demolished my mind with pleasure by the time he reached my pussy, I probably would have been able to give such direction!
Thanks, as ever, for your readership and your support, no matter what form it takes! I appreciate you and I’m glad you’re here. I hope that I’m able to keep doing this work for a long time. 💙
