Guest Post: Sir’s Favorite Toy

mb

Note from Kate: I don’t normally publish guest posts here, but my Sir wanted to contribute a review of a toy he loves, and he’s rather handsome and persuasive so I said yes. Here’s the review; enjoy!

“Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.” –William Morris

There are around a dozen different sex toys in the small drawer of my nightstand: prostate massagers, vibrators, cock rings, and sleeves. They’ve all been carefully selected and collected over time to be both beautiful and useful and to make me come in intense and interesting ways. But I want to tell you about my favorite. My favorite toy is so versatile that ever since I first tried it, I’ve used it more than anything else in my collection.

I started using it in December and haven’t gone a day since then without thinking about it. Most nights, I curl up on my couch or in my bed and it’s the first thing I reach for. It’s become a prized possession: something I long for, treasure, and take care of so that it will last me a long time. With proper attention and maintenance, there’s no reason why I wouldn’t be able to play with this little toy for years to come.

Like the ones made by the defunct Fucking Sculptures, this toy is one-of-a-kind. It sometimes feels as though it’s been designed and built exactly for me. It fits my body, engages my imagination, and pings my kinks so perfectly that I sometimes wonder if I special-ordered it during a late-night shopping spree and then promptly forgot about it until it showed up in New York one random Wednesday afternoon.

Imagine a warm, smooth, beautiful, self-cleaning plaything that has three different holes you can fuck with your cock (or a strap-on), your fingers, or even another toy. Imagine a toy that looks and smells and tastes as delicious as it feels against your skin. Each hole on the body of the toy is shaped and textured differently with some that are tighter or deeper, so there’s always one that fits my mood. Because of its clever ergonomics, it’s also possible to use more than one at once if I’m feeling extra dexterous. While I sometimes use lube while I’m playing with my toy, it’s not always necessary as it gets pretty wet all on its own if I touch it just right.

The toy is of course body-safe, it doesn’t need batteries or cords, and I can play with it even when I’m not in the same room via my phone. I can thrust into it hard and deep for as long as I want, or if I’m in the mood, I can set it up and let it suck or stroke me just the way I like. My toy comes with a detailed manual and pretty packaging, it can simulate the feeling of a cunt squeezing and coming all over my cock, and almost never fails to respond to my commands, especially when I remember to push all of the right buttons.

I’ve come harder and for longer than I even thought possible while I was fucking my toy on a recent trip to Toronto, and when I’ve brought it with me to fancy hotels while staycationing in my own city. I’ve had weekends of relaxing, debaucherous fun away from the stresses of daily life fucking my toy late into the night, then waking up at 4AM and desperately needing to use it again. One of these days I’m gonna get my whole fist inside it, but more testing is required before I review that particular feature.

I’d love to recommend that you buy this toy at one of the many fine women-owned sex toy retailers online, but the truth is, you can’t. This toy is mine and was generously and freely given to me by someone who loves me. I hope you find one just like it because it makes me incredibly happy to own something so good.

Oh right, I forgot to tell you what it’s called. I think technically it’s named Kate, but I call it my little one.

How to Prepare For a Spanking

Kate Sloan

A surprisingly frequent search term people use to find my website is “how to prepare for a spanking.” At first, I found this confusing – what’s to prepare? Just drop trou and you’re good to go! – but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how inaccurate and unhelpful that perspective is. When I’m nervous about an upcoming activity on my docket, sexual or otherwise, often my first line of defense is to google it – and even if I glean no new information from the results, the research itself calms my nerves. Doing my due diligence has never done me wrong.

Here, then, are some tips from me to you on how to prepare for your next spanking, whether it’s your first foray into impact play or your thousandth…

Make sure you actually want to be spanked. Hey: it’s okay if you don’t. Spanking is sometimes discussed as a foregone conclusion in kink spaces, as if every kinkster is into it, but that isn’t the case! You don’t have to get spanked just because you’re playing with someone who likes doling out impact, or you’re going to a play party where spanking is de rigueur, or you liked being spanked by this play partner on a previous occasion so you feel obligated to like it again. Want it, or skip it!

Communicate with your play partner. Here is an abridged list of questions the two of you should ideally discuss before you play. How long do you want the session to last (if you know)? Are there any time constraints your partner should know about (e.g. do you have to pick up your kids later? get to work tomorrow morning?)? What are your reasons for seeking and enjoying pain (e.g. pain as a punishment, as a reward, as a feat of endurance)? What do your face and body tend to do when you’re enjoying yourself? When you’re not enjoying yourself? What are your safewords and/or safe-signals? Do you have other preferred systems for mid-scene check-ins? Is it okay to leave marks? Where do you want to be hit? How much pain can you generally take? Do you like rhythmic pain, or do you prefer it more erratic? What names can your partner call you during the spanking, if any, and which should they avoid? Do you have any medical conditions your partner should know about? Is sexual touching okay? What other sex or kink activities will be involved in the scene? Hammering out all these details can help you relax into the spanking.

Prep your butt. Like all forms of sexual grooming, this will vary a lot based on personal preference. I feel my best during a spanking if I take the time in advance to shave, exfoliate, and moisturize my ass – though, of course, some spankings are too impromptu to allow for this. Taking a fragrant bath can also help you relax, so you’ll sink into a compliant, submissive headspace more easily. Depending on your dynamic with your play partner, they may enjoy rubbing some massage oil into your skin to help relax you even further.

Wear something you feel cute in. Cute underwear is a vital part of my spanking wardrobe, so to speak. Thigh-high stockings are super sexy and make a great frame for your butt. Wear whatever makes you feel hot and provides ample access to the areas you want your partner to hit – whether that’s a fetishistic backless latex spanking skirt, a pair of tight jeans that can be yanked down to your knees, or nothing but your collar. Certain hairstyles or perfumes may also help put you in a good headspace to enjoy the spanking (e.g. I feel super submissive in braided pigtails).

Get your implements ready. There can be a ritualistic joy to laying out your impact tools of choice for the evening: choosing them carefully and arranging them just so. You may want to take it further by, for example, cleaning your leather paddle with saddle soap and treating it with mink oil until it shines, or carefully untangling the falls of your flogger.

Prepare your space. Lay down a blanket where you plan to kneel, for example. Clean your room. Burn some incense. Pull the drapes. Put on some music. Ponder what décor and other trappings would help put you into the headspace you’re hoping to achieve with the spanking, and put as much of it into action as you can.

After all that is done, you should be able to relax into the spanking itself, and enjoy the pain for all it’s worth!

How do you like to prep for an impact play scene?

 

This post was graciously sponsored by the good folks at SheVibe, one of the companies helping me get to this year’s Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit. Check out their selection of impact toys! As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

Why Everyone Should Own Lube

Kate Sloan

There are very few immutable truths when it comes to sex. Here are a few I think are important: No matter how weird you think your sexual tastes are, there are people out there who are into the same things as you. Informed, ongoing consent is mandatory for any activity. And lube makes everything better.

It seems to me that most queer and trans folks and vagina-having folks are aware of this fact, but a worryingly high percentage of straight cis men are not. That’s largely because the quintessential “straight” sex act – peen-in-vag intercourse – is often depicted in our culture as “not requiring” lube, even though, as with most sex acts, it can be substantially improved by throwing some lube into the mix.

There’s a common cultural narrative that you won’t need lube if you’re aroused “enough,” but of course, that’s bullshit. As sex-positive writers and thinkers like Sarah Jane and JoEllen Notte have pointed out, high arousal doesn’t always lead to high lubrication. It can depend on your body, where you are in your hormonal cycle, medications you’re on, and various other factors. There is no shame in needing or wanting to use lube! In fact, I think just about everyone’s sex life would be improved with the addition of lube if they’re not already using it (and more lube, if they are).

Have I convinced you yet? If so, here are some of my favorite lubes for various fun activities…

For PIV: Good ol’ vaginal intercourse, I find, pairs well with a vag-friendly water-based lube like Blossom Organics. Water-based lubes are ill-suited to predominantly external activities like handjobs, because your body absorbs the water after a few minutes and so you gotta keep reapplying – but since the vagina is self-lubricating for many of us, I find a little water-based lube is often enough to get me started, and then my vag supplies the rest of the moisture I need as I get more and more turned on. I like this one in particular because it’s designed to minimize vaginal irritation (no glycerin or propylene glycol here!) and its taste and smell are inoffensive (a surprisingly difficult quality to find in lubes). Plus it just looks cute on my nightstand.

For butt stuff: I’m ride-or-die for Sliquid Sassy; it’s a known fact. Recently I told my boyfriend I like lots of different lubes and he clarified, “But you’re a Sassy girl at heart,” because he knows me. Sassy is a water-based lube with a thicker consistency than most, so it’s longer-lasting than your average water-based lube and tends to more-or-less stay where you put it instead of dripping all over the place. This makes it a pleasant choice for lubin’ up anything that’s gonna go in your butt, though I use Sassy vaginally a lot too. I appreciate that this lube has only five ingredients and is effectively odorless and tasteless: sometimes you just want a lube that works well without adding any bells or whistles to the experience.

For oral sex: Sliquid Swirl is one of the only actually good-tasting flavored lubes I’ve ever tried – and, crucially, unlike almost every flavored lube on the market, it’s glycerin-free. It comes in lots of different flavors and all the ones I’ve tried have been at least passably tasty, if not outright delicious. Some people find flavored lubes confusing as a concept; I’d invite them to remember that we all get a case of dry mouth from time to time, so sometimes you need a little help with lubrication while going down on your sweetheart. Flavored lube can also just be a silly novelty, for when you want to mix things up – ’cause sex is supposed to be fun!

For handjobs: Whether you’re strokin’ a dick or a vulva, I would heartily recommend The Butters. It’s a smooth, whipped lube made of natural ingredients like aloe vera gel, apple cider vinegar, shea butter, coconut oil, and grapeseed oil. It’s long-lasting and its texture feels divine on the skin. As a bonus, its taste isn’t objectionable at all (to me, anyway), so you can transition from hand stuff to mouth stuff without much trouble. And your skin will feel moisturized as hell afterward!

What are your favorite lubes? Which uses are they best suited for?

 

This post was sponsored by Peepshow Toys, who are generously helping me get to the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit this August! Check out their fine selection of lubricants. As always, all writing and opinions in this post are my own.

Behind the Seams: Fun, Flirty, & Flu-y

Kate Sloan

May 4th, 2018. After a long battle with a bad flu, I was soooo ready to feel pretty again. So I asked my Sir to choose my outfit for a jaunt to the Hart House Theatre to see The Artist & The Pervert, a new documentary about kink educator Mollena Williams and her husband/Master, world-famous composer Georg Friedrich Haas. I wanted to feel kinky and sophisticated, and this outfit totally fit the bill.

I have a long and storied history with this dress. It’s the American Apparel figure skater dress, which I already own in a few different colorways. Years ago, before American Apparel closed, I tried on this dress but ultimately opted not to buy it, because the price tag was a little steep for the broke-ass university student I was at that time. But then I lived in regret, particularly once AA went bankrupt, and tried to buy one on eBay. The seller ghosted me, however, and I had to file for a refund through Paypal. Finally, years later, I found the dress in my size in another eBay shop, and now it is mine. Hallelujah.

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in braids, because Sir said so
• Maybelline Matte Ink liquid lipstick in “Pioneer”
• Black American Apparel figure skater dress – secondhand on eBay
• Silver L’Amour-Propre heart lock engraved with “Daddy’s,” worn on a repurposed chain (Sir has me wear this sometimes as basically a fancier alternative to my collar)
• Black tights
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• (Not pictured) Black leather jacket (this day brought one of the blusteriest windstorms Toronto has seen in a long time!)

May 6th, 2018. Still feverish and flu-y, I nonetheless trekked out into the world to attend my aunt’s birthday party uptown. It was a small, cozy get-together with crackers and cheese and fondue and Sondheim nerdery and good storytelling.

At one point, an older family member asked me if I was wearing Toronto Maple Leafs socks, and I narrowly avoided explaining that no, actually they were from a BDSM-themed coffee shop in Minneapolis. (This side of the family is relatively kink-friendly – there are even openly queer and kinky people among their ranks – but it was still a family event! I still, for example, opted not to wear my collar, even though it would have matched.)

P.S. This skirt is pretty close to perfect, and I’m sure I’ll be wearing it a lot this spring and summer. The fabric is soft and flowy, the cut is flattering and simple, and it even has POCKETS! Shout-out to the rare piece of women’s clothing that is both cute and functional.

What I’m wearing:
• Hair in little pigtail-buns
• Royal blue T-shirt – American Apparel
• Black high-waisted A-line skirt – ASOS
• Blue and white striped knee-high athletic socks – Leather & Latte in Minneapolis (my favorite memory from this place is that someone walked in and asked the barista at the counter, “Is the Mistress in?” – unfortunately she wasn’t, but wow, what a question)
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Coach Mercer satchel in “Cloud”

May 8th, 2018. I often wear this Dildorks shirt on days when I have to edit a podcast episode. It’s super uncool, like wearing a band T-shirt to see that band play – or, indeed, like emblazoning your chest with an illustration of your own face – but whatever, it makes me happy. And I don’t think most people even realize it’s me when they see it.

I wore this out to a favorite local coffee shop to edit the podcast, work on some blog posts, and do some thoughtful navel-gazing in my journal. What else is new, right?

What I’m wearing:
• Dildorks logo baseball-style shirt – Zazzle (art by Amy, who is the best)
• Black and white polka-dotted skater skirt – ASOS
• Striped socks – the Gap
• Black leather Frye harness boots
• Revlon Ultra HD matte lip color in “Obsession” (such a pretty, springy pink!)

What recent outfits of yours have made your heart sing?

Review: Cowgirl

Kate Sloan

What kind of person would spend $2,000 on a sex toy?

I kept wondering this whenever I would read about the new rideable vibrator from Alicia Sinclair (of b-Vibe and Le Wand fame), the Cowgirl. I just couldn’t figure out what would motivate someone to drop that much money on a sex toy. A friend of mine once spent $956 on a Venus for Men, but that’s a basically automated, hands-free blowjob-in-a-box. I would consider buying a toy that pricey if it would essentially give me effortless orgasms, too, if I could afford it.

But there is nothing effortless about the Cowgirl.

Based loosely on the infamous Sybian, the Cowgirl is a vibrator roughly the size of an ottoman. It’s heavy as fuck – 28 pounds out of the box – so I had to get my mom and brother to help me transport it from my parents’ house (where I had it shipped) to my apartment across town. Fortunately for me, my family is chill as hell.

The Cowgirl is marketed as essentially a slicker, more luxurious update to the Sybian. Alicia Sinclair has a habit of doing this: she previously called her Le Wand “a refined classic wand massager with upgraded features and gorgeous design,” despite it being a buzzier, louder, reskinned Magic Wand Rechargeable. I will admit, however, that the Cowgirl does indeed have some advantages over the Sybian. It’s covered in soft, luxe leather, making it more comfortable and more aesthetically pleasing than its predecessor. It has handles, making it more portable than the Sybian (well, as portable as a 28-pound, 16.7” by 13.4” by 10.9” sex toy is ever gonna be, anyway). It has fewer attachment options available – just two, an external one and an insertable one, versus the 17+ different attachments Sybian currently offers – but the all-black attachments are more aesthetically harmonious than the Sybian’s, and are also made of 100% silicone, a claim which only a few Sybian attachments can make.

I’ve only tried a Sybian once – three years ago, at my friend Epiphora‘s house, while eating pizza and watching Fifty Shades of Grey with a bunch of sex bloggers – so I can’t give you an in-depth comparison of the two, sensation-wise. However, I seem to remember the Sybian being buzzier (i.e. possessing higher-pitched vibrations) than the Cowgirl. Both are embarrassingly loud, especially at the higher speeds. Both create what I can only describe as weird intestinal feelings as I get into the higher settings – not exactly a sexy sensation for me.

The Cowgirl is a few inches bigger than the Sybian in all dimensions, which would, I suppose, make it more comfortable to sit on for certain kinds of bodies. However, for mine, it’s definitely less comfortable. I have a hip condition which makes it painful for me to spread my legs wide, especially if I’m putting weight on my knees at the same time. My knees themselves also have some mobility and chronic pain issues; keeping them bent for long periods can be agonizing. So, as you might imagine, rideable vibrators aren’t exactly my favorite thing. The Cowgirl requires my legs to splay wider than the Sybian does, so it gets painful more quickly for me. There’s been many a Cowgirl testing session when I’ve climbed off the toy only to collapse in pain, needing to stretch out my hips and knees for long minutes before I’d feel normal again. What could be a sexy foreplay toy or even the “main event” for some people is so physically debilitating to me that I usually can’t do much of anything after using it.

Theoretically, if you, too, have trouble with the straddling position, you could lie on your back and tilt the toy toward you, like the Sybian FAQ recommends doing. But the Cowgirl is bigger and heavier than the Sybian so this is trickier to manage.

In addition to its corded remote control (which is blessedly easy to use and plays nicely into my vibrator-as-hysteria-treatment fantasies with its vaguely clinical aesthetic), the Cowgirl can also be controlled either locally via the company’s own Bluetooth app, or long-distance via a different app. (Consolidating these two would’ve been way better…) The app setup is so complicated and labor-intensive, however, that even my app-developer boyfriend was like, “Nah, fuck this.” My kingdom for a We-Vibe-esque plug-and-play ease of use.

Besides its bulkiness, heaviness, unreasonable noise level, unreasonable price, and overcomplicated setup, my other main grievance with the Cowgirl is its name. It’s 2018; there is no longer any excuse for making a toy for people with vulvas and telling consumers (even implicitly) that it’s only for women. When companies do this, they alienate potential customers who have vulvas but are not women, they alienate women who don’t have vulvas, and they proudly show off how behind-the-times they are in their understanding of gender. I brought this up with a PR rep for the toy and she told me, “I’ve definitely been thinking about gendered branding… and I’m sure it’s a conversation we’re going to continue to have here,” which is nice, I guess, but feels pretty empty. We shouldn’t need to point these things out to companies at this point; they should know these things by now.

Is there anything I like about the Cowgirl? I guess. It’s pretty to look at (depending on your tastes), relatively easy to use once you’ve got it set up, and has vibrations strong and rumbly enough that they can probably get you off, if you can comfortably maintain the position the toy demands of you. I might be able to recommend it if it was less shockingly loud, or more comfortable to use, or less prohibitively expensive, but alas, it isn’t. I asked my boyfriend – with whom I’ve tested this toy a few times – what he likes about the Cowgirl, if anything, and he replied, “I like that it’s black, and I like dials.” Not exactly a rave.

If you have $2,000 to drop on a sex toy (?!) and want one that’s sure to impress and confuse, maybe you need a Cowgirl. But maybe, instead, you just need a Magic Wand Rechargeable, a Stronic Eins, and an uncomfortable chair to sit on. The net effect would be about the same.

 

Thanks to SheVibe for letting me try the Cowgirl!