5 Ways I Use Mindfulness to Lose Weight

Kate Sloan

Dear darlings: I know that weight talk and body stuff can be tough for some of you. It’s never my intention to shame you or make you feel bad, and this post definitely won’t aim to do that – but if you know that this subject matter is tricky for you, I encourage you to skip this post. You know what’s best for you, my friend!

I’m a chubby bunny, and mostly I’m okay with that. I’ve been lucky enough to have lovers and suitors in my life who’ve lavished attention on my curvy bod, making me see that my wide hips, soft belly and thunder thighs might not be the end of the world.

That said: my body seems to work better at a weight that’s a little lower than where I’m at right now. Currently I hover around 165 pounds, and when I’m down around 140-150, I feel stronger, healthier, happier, and more energetic. And who doesn’t want that?!

Last summer I lost 20 pounds (most of which I gained back from the stress of school and a break-up – oh, woe!), and during that process I learned a lot about habit formation, nutrition, and self-control strategies that work for my particular brain. As far as tangible processes go, calorie-counting is the only thing that’s ever worked for me – but my calorie-counting successes were only made possible by practicing mindfulness.

What is mindfulness? It’s an old, old concept often attributed to Buddhism. It’s the practice of being present, of being here now, of noticing and fully experiencing the sensations and thoughts and events of the current moment. When you’re being truly mindful, you don’t replay the past or worry about the future. You just be – here and now and only here and now.

You may be familiar with the idea of mindfulness if you practice meditation or yoga, or if you’ve studied facets of the Buddhist tradition, or even if you’ve used certain psychotherapeutic techniques like CBT or deep breathing. It’s all part of the same overarching idea, but today I’m going to tell you specifically about how mindfulness helps me lose weight. (If phrases like “lose weight” bother you, you can sub in the phrase “get healthier” – the same principles apply!)

1. Mindful eating.

I am still learning how to do this well. Meal times are often blessed breaks from work, so it’s natural to want to kick back and do something relaxing while you eat, like catch up on your Netflix queue or scroll through your Twitter feed.

But experts say eating mindfully is a way better approach. You digest your food better and get more nutrition from it. You’re less likely to overeat due to distraction. And amazingly, you actually enjoy your food more. Tastes and textures seem fabulously vivid and pleasurable when you give all your attention to what you’re eating.

2. What am I really hungry for?

I have learned that often my desire to eat is rooted in some other kind of desire, some non-stomach-based hunger of one kind or another.

If you feel yourself wanting to eat something that may not be so good for your body, it can be helpful to ask yourself: what am I really hungry for right now?

If I’m just bored and want something to do, I can put on a TV show, work on a creative project, go for a walk, read a book, do some yoga, or pretty much any other activity that will capture my attention.

If I’m craving the pleasure I’d get from eating a piece of chocolate or a big-ass burrito, I can seek out pleasure in other ways – for example, by masturbating, listening to some favorite tunes, starting a conversation with someone who makes me laugh, or cuddling my cat. (Of course, it’s important not to replace unhealthy pleasures with other unhealthy pleasures, like excessive boozin’, drugs, or a shopping addiction!)

If I want the energy boost I can expect from certain foods, I can get the same kind of kick from tea or coffee, a brisk walk around the block, or a groovy yoga flow sequence.

If it’s just a “mouth-boredom” thing, I can make a pot of tea, chew some sugar-free gum, or even engage in some hardcore flossing.

And of course, there are times when hunger is actually hunger. Practicing mindfulness has sharpened my ability to identify when I’m actually, physically hungry. And when I am, I eat!

3. Mindful exercise – or not.

I used to hate exercising. (Well, honestly, sometimes I still do. But mostly I don’t.) While running on the treadmill or contorting myself into yoga poses, my mind would go a mile a minute. “I hate this!” “This is so hard!” “This is taking too long!” “Is this almost over?”

Eventually I learned that I experience less psychological turmoil about exercising if I choose to really center myself in the present moment. If I’m intimately focused on every footfall, on the stretch and pull of every muscle, on the dependable in-and-out of my breath, not only do I have fewer resistant thoughts, but the exercise actually starts to feel better. It can be downright pleasurable sometimes!

Learning about mindfulness has also shown me, though, that sometimes focusing too much on my present moment can emphasize any discomfort I’m experiencing. Mindfulness experts would tell me to “breathe through it” but sometimes that just doesn’t work for me, and the only way I can get through my workout is by watching a riveting TV show or listening to a fascinating podcast to take my mind off the exertion at hand. And I think that’s okay, because at least I get the workout done, even if I don’t do it the way I “should.”

4. Stop procrastinating.

Procrastination comes from being out of sync with the present moment. It comes from distraction, fear, and laziness. When I tap into the now, I don’t want to procrastinate.

“I could work out, but I don’t wanna,” I think. And then I ask myself, “What will I do now, if I don’t work out?” and the answer is usually some variation of “sit around doing nothing,” an activity that I know will just make me feel bad and gross.

Procrastination is avoidance – not only avoidance of the thing you’re putting off, but also avoidance of your feelings and experiences in this moment. When I’m really in the now, I often find that I want to work out. My body is crying out for it.

5. The moment will pass.

Studying mindfulness has taught me that no one moment is unendurable. Moments go by. They give birth to new moments. And the new ones feel different from the old ones. It sounds obvious but it can be a revelation.

Sudden snack attack? I can breathe into it. I can choose to think about something else. I can remind myself, “I will not actually die if I don’t eat a bowl of chips right now.” And the moment will pass.

Tired muscles during a workout? I can breathe into it. I can choose to think about something else. I can remind myself, “This is difficult, but it will not kill me.” I can remind myself, “I did this last time. I can do it again.” I can remind myself, “I will feel so awesome when this is done.” And the moment will pass.

Look at my body in the mirror and hate what I see? I can breathe into it. I can choose to think about something else. I can remind myself, “Lots of people have called you beautiful.” I can remind myself, “It’s okay to have ups and downs.” I can remind myself, “My body is strong and can do lots of great things.” And the moment will pass.

All moments pass. All moments can be endured, if you just take them one at a time.

Extra resources: Leo Babauta has taught me more about mindfulness than anyone else. He’s got great articles on mindfulness rituals, beating a food addiction, forming habits, overcoming instant gratification, getting in shape, and lots more.

What I’m Into: Explicit Fanfiction

Kate Sloan

For as long as I can remember being on the internet, I’ve been a fanfiction reader.

It has a reputation as a genre that’s both trivial and terrible, especially now that the Fifty Shades of Grey origin story as a piece of Twilight fanfic is so widely known. But if you’ve spent any time at all in fanfic communities, you know that the stories can sometimes be brilliantly written, absolutely gripping, and – in some cases – smokin’ hot.

Books, movies, TV shows – these things all have limitations, in terms of the level of sexiness they’re allowed to portray. Sure, you’ll occasionally see full-on sex in the more risqué ones, but it’s rare. Romantic storylines in popular media are heavy on chemistry and light on action. And that can sometimes be frustrating.

So we, as fans, turn to each other for support in this regard. We write and/or read fan-generated stories about pairings both “canon” (i.e. sanctioned in the source material) and “non-canon.” When done well, erotic fanfiction picks up the ball right where the original media dropped it, giving closure and satisfaction to fans who just wanted to see those two characters get together, for fuck’s sake.

Here are some of my all-time favorite fanfiction pairings (all of which are heterosexual and most of which are canon, because I’m boring):

• Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl. These two had a scintillating on-again-off-again thing on the actual show, complete with screen chemistry out the wazoo. But, being that GG was essentially a show for teenagers, we rarely got to see them fuck. There were constant hints that they experimented with kink and roleplaying, and those few scraps of information fanned the flames of fans’ writing. I’m particularly partial to stories where Chuck plays dom to Blair’s sub (even though these tales just make me even madder that Ed Westwick didn’t get cast as Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades movie). Try these: “Rules,” in which Chuck bosses Blair around, spanks her, etc. “Schadenfreude,” which is all about hate-fucking and has adequate anatomical understanding re: stuff like clits and G-spots (very important!). “Dirty Games,” in which Blair is the bossy one.

• Jessica Day and Nick Miller from New Girl. These two are such quirky goofballs and yet their chemistry is off the charts. Nick has the personality of a disgruntled old man and Jess is a sunny, bubbly optimist; their mutual attraction initially caught me off guard but now seems like the most natural thing in the world. It’s quite a feat when a fanfic writer can get these characters’ voices just right, but it does happen once in a while and it’s glorious when it does. Try these: “The First of Three Conversations,” in which Schmidt helps Jess peg Nick (which sounds weird but is instead weirdly hot). “You’re Gonna Lose Control,” in which Jess discovers her inner domme via her teaching skills. “Mistakes We Knew We Were Making,” which features laundry-room finger-fucking, among other things.

• Sheldon Cooper and Penny from The Big Bang Theory. (Penny has no last name…) Okay, I KNOW this is super weird, and I was just as surprised as you probably are when I first noticed how much Sheldon/Penny smut there is to be found online. But… there is something oddly enticing about it. He’s so awkward and inexperienced; she is so, well, the total opposite of that. The power dynamic is interesting, there’s often some sexual instructing in the stories (which totally fucking gets me going), and when the characters’ voices are right, it’s often funny as hell. Try these: “The Pickle Jar Experiment,” in which Penny awkwardly tries to teach Sheldon how to jerk off. “The Bathtub Interaction,” in which Penny comforts Sheldon while he’s sick and things get sexy. “The Sweet Vibrations Discovery,” in which Sheldon is “inspired” by the sex toys he finds under Penny’s bed.

• Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. My current obsession, y’all. You would think that the “opposites attract” trope would have lost its charm by now, but nope – it still works. Peralta and Santiago are polar opposites: he’s goofy, immature, irresponsible, and rebellious, while she is buttoned-up, reliable, and does everything by the book. What they have in common is that they’re both NYPD detectives, courageous, strong-willed, and attracted to each other. What more do you need? Try these: “One Big Cliché,” in which Amy has a sex dream about Jake and it leads to real-life sex. “Clutching Your Pillow and Writhing in a Naked Sweat,” in which Jake and Amy have sneaky sex in the captain’s office. And… drumroll, please… “Jake Peralta, Master Cunnilinguist-Slash-Genius,” which I WROTE (!!) with the help of some Twitter hooligans who contributed language suggestions and moral support while I live-tweeted the writing process.

Who are your favorite fanfiction couples, and what would you like to see them do in a story?

Quick Tips For Preventing and Treating UTIs

Kate Sloan

If you have a vulva, you’ve probably had a urinary tract infection in your life. Or perhaps a whole lot of them. I know I have.

Because they suck and I don’t want you to go through them, here’s a quick tip sheet for preventing and avoiding ‘em.

Super-obvious disclaimer: I am not a medical professional of any kind, so you should take my advice with a grain of salt and check with your doctor if you’re unsure about anything. These tips are intended only for prevention and possibly very early treatment; if you’ve had an infection for more than a day or so and it isn’t going away, GO TO THE DOCTOR! UTIs can easily spread to your kidneys, which is bad news. Go go go.

Also, these tips are mostly intended for folks who have a vulva and vagina. I’m sure that many of the same tips apply to people who have penises, but I am not one of those people so I haven’t tested these suggestions for that kind of body.

Prevention

1. Stay hydrated. The more frequently you pee, the harder it is for bacteria to get a foothold in your urinary tract. Simple as that.

2. When you have to pee, PEE. Don’t hold it in for ages, if you can help it. Go ASAP. (This sometimes means strategically ignoring prevention tip #1. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a bathroomless room for hours, it may be in your best interest to drink less water than you normally would, so you won’t have to hold it.)

3. Increase your cranberry intake. Cranberry juice (the unsweetened kind, not the sugary “cranberry juice cocktail” kind) has been proven to cut down on UTIs. If you can’t handle the bitter, tart flavor of the juice, you could also take cranberry pills.

4. Wipe from front to back only. Everyone with a vulva should already know this, but incase you didn’t… there you go. Fecal bacteria should never get anywhere near your urethra if you can help it.

5. Consume more alkaline foods. I can’t find 100% scientific confirmation of this, but some people swear that changing their diet to include more alkaline foods has helped their recurrent UTIs, since it changes the pH of your urine and therefore makes your urinary tract a more hostile environment for bacteria. Here’s a list of highly alkaline-forming foods and drinks.

6. Only insert clean things into your vagina. Keep your sex toys clean. Wash your hands before masturbating. Tell your lover(s) to keep their hands and nails clean. This is basic stuff but a lot of people forget about it.

7. Wear all- or mostly-cotton underwear, and not thongs. Cotton allows your vag to “breathe,” which helps with a whole host of potential vaginal and urinary issues. Thongs, on the other hand, can transport fecal bacteria from your butt to your vagina and/or urethra, so they’re best avoided if you have trouble with UTIs or other genital infections.

Treatment

1. Drink a fuckton of water. Grab your biggest glass or bottle. Fill it with water. Drink it all. Pee when you have to. Repeat at least until peeing is no longer painful. If you catch your infection early enough, you may be able to flush it out this way (indeed, this is the main way I deal with UTIs, and I only end up needing to get antibiotics for maybe 1 out of every 5 UTIs I contract because this method is so effective for me).

2. Take some D-Mannose. It’s a white powder that you stir into water and drink. I have heard that cranberries may contain traces of D-Mannose and that this may be the reason cranberries are deemed effective against UTIs, but, again, there’s a lot of scientific disagreement and confusion about most things sexual. All I know is that a spoonful of D-Mannose in a huge glass of water has stopped my UTIs in their tracks many a time.

3. GO TO THE DAMN DOCTOR. Seriously, please do. If drinking tons of water doesn’t make a dent in your UTI after the first day or so, you need to get your ass to a doc and get some medicine. It may be a drag, but trust me, when the infection spreads to your kidneys and you’re sitting in the emergency room in a terrific amount of pain, you will wish you had gone to the doctor earlier. (And remember: whenever you take antibiotics, you should also take probiotics – either in pill form or through foods/drinks like yogurt or kombucha – to avoid getting a yeast infection from the medication.)

What’s your go-to preventative measure or home treatment for UTIs?

Review: Fleshjack Boys Brent Everett Dildo

Kate Sloan

Lately I’ve told a few friends that I’m reviewing a sex toy for gay men, and they look at it and say, “But it’s just a dildo! Why is it for gay men?” and I say, “I KNOW, RIGHT?”

This is one of the weird things about the sex toy industry (and about some other industries too, for that matter). This product is marketed toward gay men but there’s literally nothing stopping a cis woman, or anyone else, from using it, so long as they like penetrative toys. The Fleshjack Boys line happens to be based off gay male porn stars but, duh, you don’t have to like or even know said porn stars to enjoy the toys moulded from their genitalia.

I was sent the Fleshjack Boys Brent Everett dildo. I’d been wanting to try a Fleshjack dildo for ages – devastatingly realistic dildos crafted in body-safe silicone, hellooo, that is so up my alley – and I chose this one based on its measurements. With its 7" of insertable length and 1.75" diameter, it’s big but not unreasonably so. I thought I could handle it and I was right.

Let it be said: this dildo is stunning. The craftsmanship is on point. It really looks like a flesh-and-blood dick: the texture and shape of the toy are all rendered in wonderfully intricate detail. Sometimes I look over at it sitting on my bedside table and just swoon a little because it’s like having an actual penis in the room with me.

However, obviously not everyone is into that. When I showed the Brent Everett to my friends who like realistic toys, they cooed and lit up. When I showed it to my friends who are turned off by male bodies and representational toys, they scrunched up their noses and told me to put the dildo away. It definitely has a polarizing effect on people, as real penises tend to do.

Fleshjack silicone is delightful. It’s got a lot of squish and give to it, but feels blissfully substantial in my vag. It’s not quite as realistic-feeling as VixSkin and it’s firmer than regular Vixen silicone but it’s more pliable than O2.

The base of the dildo is not a suction cup, but it’s very flat and tends to stick to flat surfaces slightly if you press it down, so you could set it up on a bathroom floor (or something) if you like to lower yourself down onto dildos and fuck ‘em that way.

For me, the main attraction of this dildo is that its coronal ridge is quite exaggerated and makes my G-spot convulse with glee. There is some milder texture along the remainder of the shaft, but that ridge is really the star of the show. It can be achingly intense if I neglect to warm myself up adequately, though.

Speaking of warm-up… Man, this thing is huge. My vagina is admittedly a wimp when it comes to size so I was surprised I could even get this dildo to fit inside me. Fortunately the tip is tapered and the toy’s material plays well with water-based lube so I’ve never had too much difficulty with it. I sort of gently jiggle it side-to-side as I insert it, making sure to incorporate clit stimulation at the same time, and I always get it inserted without pain. Sometimes there is some minor discomfort at first – “WOW, this is big” – but it’s nothing a little deep breathing and conscious muscle-relaxing can’t solve.

The actual in-and-out motion of the dildo is, as you might expect, very intense – in a good way. That ridge activates my G-spot instantly and the texture all along the shaft feels divine as it goes in and out. There is a subtle upward curve to the shaft which allows it to access my G-spot and A-spot more readily. The balls at the base are sometimes a little hard to keep ahold of, because they’re oriented away from my body instead of toward it, but it’s worth reaching a little farther because the balls are fun to squish and make a sturdy handle.

This is not the sort of dildo that I ram in and out of myself at top speed – the sensation is much too intense for that – but if you are inclined that way, I think it would work well for that, provided you can handle the size and the texture. The squishy silicone is comfortable and discourages injury.

Overall? I’m a little bit in love with this dildo. It is everything I want a realistic dildo to be. I’ve never seen a Brent Everett sex scene, but feel free to let him know I’m obsessed with his cock.

My Big, Exciting, Scary, Sexy Goals for 2015

Kate Sloan

The new year is upon us! I hope you had a fun New Year’s Eve last night, and that you woke up this morning feeling refreshed and renewed, as opposed to hungover and grumbling!

Come the new year, a lot of people set resolutions for themselves. I think self-improvement is always a good use of time, but something about the vagueness of resolutions just doesn’t work for my brain. I like to set GOALS: specific, actionable tasks or projects whose completion will be immediately and entirely clear to me when it happens.

Here are some of the sex-related goals I’ve set for myself this year… Hopefully, a year from today, they’ll all be checked off my list!

1. Have casual sex.

For a sex blogger, my sexual history sure isn’t very adventurous. I’ve only ever had sex with two people: one a long-term friend with benefits and the other a long-term boyfriend.

Right now I’m too damn busy to get into another relationship so soon after ending the last one, plus I’m just not feelin’ the whole commitment/obligation thing right now. I’d rather be free and clear, at least until I find myself so head-over-heels for someone that coupledom looks more attractive than the alternative.

But although I’m relationship-phobic at the moment, I’m certainly not sex-phobic. In fact, it kind of feels like a part of me has shrivelled up and died from how long I’ve gone without sex at this point. (About eight months, I think? Shh, don’t tell anyone!!)

So one of my goals for the year is to figure out how to have casual sex in a way that feels safe, healthy and positive for me, and then do it. I’m defining “casual sex” as “sex with someone I am not, and do not intend to be, in a romantic relationship with.” I am super shy and awkward and don’t even know that many people I’d want to have sex with, so we’ll see how this goes…

(Last night I was having dinner with some friends and we got onto the topic of 2015 goals. I mentioned that this was one of mine, and one of my friends said, “Do you have a particular gender in mind for the person you want to have sex with?” I shrugged and said, “I just need to find them hot. That’s the only criteria.”)

2. Learn to get off in several different positions.

98% of the orgasms I’ve ever had in my life have happened while I was lying on my back with my legs slightly raised. It’s how I initially learned to get off so it’s always worked for me. But it can be inconvenient sometimes.

I’ve managed to come while sitting up (like on a chair while a partner kneels in front of me – oh swoon, I miss that, it was hot) and while sitting on someone’s face (definitely a lot easier if I can lean my weight on something, like the headboard of the bed) but it’s usually a lot of extra effort for me. So I’d like to practice getting off in various different positions until it starts to feel easier and more natural.

(Side note: I was inspired to take on this goal after going to see Canadian playwright Morris Panych’s latest play Sextet a few weeks ago. There is a character whose legs need to be above his penis – like, propped up on a wall – for him to reach orgasm. I won’t spoil it for you, but… comedy ensues. And it made me realize just how silly it is to limit myself to only one position!)

3. Get spanked.

This is one of those wishes I have to kind of release to the universe instead of trying to figure out how to make it happen. I don’t currently have any idea who I want to spank me or how I intend to get into a situation where this can take place. I just know that I want it, somehow, somewhere, some way.

I’ve done a fair bit of spanking play in previous relationships but now I want to try it with someone new. (Oh man. I got sexy chills just typing that.)

Interestingly, spanking also played a role in one of my 2013 goals, so apparently it’s something in which I have a keen interest…

4. Two big blog announcements.

Because I’m the queen of mystery (ha), I’m not going to tell you what they are… yet. But I have two big things planned for this blog in 2015. Both will require a lot of work and preparation, but it’s work that I am very excited about, which is the best kind!

What are your goals for 2015, sex-themed or otherwise? Got any tips for me as I pursue mine?