Journal Your Way to a Better Sex Life

Kate Sloan

You will probably never meet a more diehard journal-er than me. If I’m out in public and have nothing better to do, I’m usually bent over a hardcover ruled Moleskine, pouring my heart and soul out onto its creamy pages. I’ve been journaling sporadically since I was a kid, and that habit turned ritualistic when I started doing it near-daily at age 14. Ever since then, it’s been an absolute necessity for my emotional processing and mental health. I don’t function properly without a notebook and pen and a little time each day to make use of them.

It occurred to me recently that, although journaling isn’t strictly a sexual topic, it’s a process that has improved my sex life in many ways and so it’s worth blogging about. Here are some of my best suggestions for honing and upgrading your sex life using a journaling practice.

Do morning pages for clarity and productivity.

“Morning pages” are an invention of The Artist’s Way author Julia Cameron. Every morning, first thing upon waking, you write three longhand, stream-of-consciousness pages. You keep writing, even if the only thing that comes out is “I don’t know what to write,” until you’ve completed your three pages.

I don’t know why or how this works, so don’t ask me to explain, but… morning pages make me noticeably and astonishingly more clear-headed, productive, creative, and energetic. In those pages, I come to realizations about goals I want to achieve and experiences I want to have; I plan adventures and endeavors; I list fears and work through them; I stumble upon feelings I didn’t even know I felt. And then I go out into the world and take all that clarity and initiative with me, making bigger and better things happen in my life than would ever happen without the influence of morning pages.

To give you an example of what kind of changes this practice makes in my life: it was actually my morning pages that helped me realize I needed to end my relationship. One day my pages started with me rambling about a cute guy I had a crush on who was very much not my boyfriend, and by the end of the three pages, I had come to the stark realization that I had to break up with my partner because I just didn’t have the same passionate, desirous feelings for him that I had for some other people. I had been waffling for months about whether a break-up was really necessary, but those three pages showed me without a doubt that it was.

I think morning pages enable you to access parts of your psyche that you might inadvertently be hiding, even from yourself. That’s useful when it comes to sex because even the most open-minded among us will occasionally still bury a secret desire or fantasy if it seems too “out-there” or taboo. And on the flipside, your morning pages might help you come to a realization about a sexual activity or fantasy that isn’t serving you, that doesn’t feel good, and that you can eliminate from your life.

Brainstorm a hundred ideas.

I forget where I first heard this, but somewhere along the line, I learned a neat trick: if you’re stuck on a problem or question, try brainstorming 100 different answers or solutions.

Yes, one hundred. It seems like a lot, and it is. After the first ten or twenty, I always get to an uncomfortable juncture where it seems like I can’t possibly come up with any more. But then, inevitably, I do. And that’s when the real magic starts.

I usually use this technique for personal problems or career ventures, but there’s no reason it can’t be applied to sex, too. If your sex life needs a shake-up, try listing 100 totally new-to-you things you could try with your beau (or by yourself). Don’t censor or judge yourself; just let the ideas flow. You’re sure to stumble on at least a few gems, even if the vast majority of the list gets discarded in the end.

(If, like me, you have a sex-related biz or blog, you might also find this strategy useful for coming up with post ideas, product offerings, etc. The sky’s the limit!)

Look for patterns.

If you’re already a frequent diarist like me, I strongly encourage you to peruse your backlog of entries and look for any elements that keep popping up.

For example: I didn’t realize I had a thing for oral servitude until I started looking through journal entries about my fantasies and desires and noticed that theme coming up again and again. And even once I had realized it, it took me additional journaling to figure out why I was into it, and how I could better integrate that kink into my sex life.

Pattern-hunting can also be useful if you often find yourself getting triggered or overwhelmed during sex. You may not realize, in the moment, what causes you to disengage or panic, but if you write about every detail you can remember (which I realize can be hard, but may be worth it), you might be able to isolate some common elements that you can then avoid in future. Maybe you hate feeling trapped, maybe a specific scent or sound sets you off, or maybe certain dirty-talk words or phrases just don’t work for you. (As always, with any tricky mental health stuff: proceed with caution and consult a professional!)

Script difficult conversations.

Communication is mandatory in good sexual relationships, but it is hard sometimes. If you’re an anxious person like me, you might find it useful to write out a rough guide for what you’d like to say, to make sure you cover all the important points and phrase them in the best possible way.

Here are some examples of hard conversations and speeches I’ve pre-scripted in my journal before tackling them in real life: asking to be dominated in bed, asking to be kissed less aggressively, discussing the possibility of non-monogamy, asking to be rimmed, and breaking up.

Do you write in a journal? Does it help your sex life in any way?

P.S. That’s a real scan from my journal at the top of this post! You can click it if you want to view it larger, you nosy little minx.

Porn Review: XConfessions

Kate Sloan

When asked to explain what “feminist porn” is, one of the definitions I often come back to is: it’s a genre of porn that prioritizes women’s authentic sexual fantasies and desires.

It seems like that’s the definition favored by Barcelona-based feminist porn director Erika Lust, too, since that’s exactly what her XConfessions series sets out to do: bring real women’s sexual fantasies to life on screen. Users of the website submit their juiciest fantasies, and Erika picks her favorites and turns them into porno shorts.

I first discovered XConfessions this past February when I attended a porn pyjama party at my local sex shop Come As You Are (yes, CAYA is awesome and does awesome stuff). Two of the films they screened that night were Erika Lust’s I Ama Verry Badx Secvretary and Let’s Make a Porno. What immediately struck me about these films was that they are beautiful, visually: they use a lot of natural lighting, and they have a lot of genital and face close-ups that are fabulously dirty without being porno-gross.

Audio is important to me in the porn I watch, and XConfessions gets it right, in my view. There’s a good mix of music and natural sex sounds (moans, the slapping of one body against the other, etc.): neither overpowers the other. Overall these scenes have the production value of a really well-done indie movie. I think it was smart of Erika Lust to prioritize quality visuals and audio so highly; it seems to me, to generalize from purely anecdotal evidence, that women tend to care more about these things than men do, and so if you wanna make a women-friendly porn site, you have to make sure it looks and sounds nice.

While XConfessions could do a better job of featuring non-normative bodies (fat folks, trans folks, folks of color, etc.), they do feature an impressive amount of body hair, including pubic hair. There’s also a lot of sexy accents in these films: French, Spanish, British, and various others. These are small details but they add to the overall appeal of the scenes for me.

Some of the fantasies depicted are fairly “normal” and close to vanilla: romantic sex, lesbian sex, sex with a male escort. Some are a little kinkier: spanking, pegging, being bullied by a sadistic personal trainer. But the scenes I find most interesting are the ones that really push boundaries and explore territory that other feminist pornographers might shy away from.

There’s a scene about being taken advantage of while drunk, one in which a couple roleplay as a pair of animals in a predator-and-prey situation, and even a scene that takes place in a slightly creepy kids’ playroom (it reminded me of that weird scene in Wolf of Wall Street). These scenes are risky, sexy, unusual, and brave. They’re in line the same feminism I subscribe to, the one that says no sexual activity is “unfeminist” so long as it’s mutually and enthusiastically consented to.

Some of my favorite scenes include Cinéma X (sex in a porn theatre, including some fabulous cunnilingus on top of a piano), I Believe in Happy Endings (a sensual woman-on-woman massage followed by manual and oral stimulation), and A Weekend in the Garden of Eden (an idyllic outdoor fuckfest that begins with the handsome British star explaining the benefits of fruitarianism). Most of the scenes are between 10 and 20 minutes long, which I find is ideal.

A lot of these scenes build up slowly, taking a few minutes to create context and atmosphere before getting to the sex. This plays well with the old stereotype about women preferring “storyline” porn, but if you’re not into that, you could either skip the first 2-3 minutes of each scene or skip the site altogether. Personally, I don’t mind a little backstory in my porn.

Tech-wise, I sometimes have issues streaming the videos directly on the site, for reasons that might have to do with my setup or with theirs; I don’t know. Luckily, however, members can download videos in HD or SD, so I quite often do that instead of streaming them. I know that it can present piracy issues for porn providers to allow their videos to be downloaded, but I always appreciate when that option is offered, since it enables me to watch even when I’m having internet problems or experiencing any other barriers to accessing the streamed versions.

Membership is $19.95 per month if you sign up to be billed month-by-month, but as with many porn paysites, you can get a discount if you sign up for multiple months in advance. It’s $39.95 for 3 months or $99.95 for a year. I think those prices are very reasonable, considering what you get: full streaming or download access to the 38 films already on the site, plus the two new ones posted every month. Membership also allows you to submit your fantasies to the XConfessions database and to read and comment on others’ fantasies.

Overall, I really, really love this site. This is the kind of porn I am always looking for, and I know lots of other women (and men, and non-binary folks!) who would love this kind of thing too. It’s visually stunning, well-produced, sexy as hell, and it’s based on real people’s relatable and delicious fantasies. Yes, yes, yes!

Thanks so much to the good people at XConfessions for letting me review their beautiful porn!

What I’m Into: Glory Hole Porn

Kate Sloan

I’m trying out this new thing where I’m going to write semi-regular posts about “what I’m into.” Bex really hit the nail on the head with her tweet to me about it – it’s all about tracking how my sexuality and desires shift over time and giving you all a nosy little glimpse into my fantasy life. (Do you get nosy about that kind of stuff? I know I do…)

I have a proper porn review lined up for you and coming really soon, about a feminist porn site you’re going to love, but today I don’t have a lot of time to write so I wanted to briefly tell you about my other current porn obsession: glory holes. Specifically, amateur glory hole porn.

I think I’ve had a slight glory hole fascination ever since I first heard about them. Anonymity and oral servitude are two things that really appeal to me in fantasy-land, and those are also the two absolute mainstays of glory hole porn. You have no idea whose dick is poking through that hole; all you get to see is someone enthusiastically sucking it off, for the sheer pleasure of it.

I forget if I’ve told you before that I have a weird blowjob porn obsession. I’m calling it weird because it’s a porn preference that doesn’t translate to real life for me; I don’t like giving BJs all that much. I think they show up in the porn I watch because I empathize with the guy getting his dick sucked, not the fellator. I don’t have penis envy; it’s just that BJs are a lot more demonstrative and visual than cunnilingus. A good blowjob translates to video better than good pussy-licking.

My recent kick of watching glory hole porn started with this video, in which a “chubby fag” (so says the video title) blows a couple of guys through a glory hole while a saucy-sounding woman talks dirty to him from behind the camera. The juxtaposition of gay male sex with a female narrator is very strange, and yet I can’t deny that her ongoing commentary adds a little something to the overall effect.

After that, I fell down the rabbit hole of glory hole porn, so to speak. I watched this and this and this. And I consistently found it all really fucking hot.

The only thing that’s missing from this sort of porn, in my view, is reaction noises from the man being blown. Moans and grunts and growls are very important to my enjoyment of porn and it’s a slight ladyboner-killer for me when there aren’t any.

What are your thoughts on glory hole porn? What are you into right now?

My Favorite Sex Podcasts

Kate Sloan

I’ve been listening to podcasts for 10 years. GOOD LORD, I’M OLD.

Back during the infancy of the medium, I was 12 years old, and even then I was a sex geek. I remember walking between classes at middle school and listening to Kidder Kaper talking about anal sex, fisting, female ejaculation, and all sorts of other things (conveniently ignoring the warning at the top of every show that you had to be 18+ to listen to it). I felt like a spy; on the outside I looked like an innocent little girl, but my ears and brain were sharing a delicious repartee about wonderfully nasty things.

Contrary to what some folks would posit, consuming sex information at such a young age didn’t mess me up; in fact, I think it made me safer and more conscious about sexuality. And I still listen to sex podcasts to this day. Here are some of my favorites…

Sex is Fun is the first sex podcast I remember ever listening to. It’s not being made anymore, but it had a good run and I think I listened to every single episode. (You can still listen to the whole archive on the show’s website.)

Each episode focuses on a specific topic related to sexuality. In the earlier shows, they were often fairly basic topics, like masturbation, oral sex, and anal sex; later on, they progressed to more complex issues, and also did occasional interviews with sexpert superstars like Susie Bright and Deborah Sundahl.

Different hosts rotated in and out of the show at different times in its progression, but what they all had in common was that they were articulate, smart, knew a lot about sex, and held a completely non-judgmental attitude about everything sex-related (provided it was all safe, sane and consensual, of course). I may not remember the details of individual episodes anymore, but what I vividly remember is that all-accepting, sex-positive attitude. I sincerely think it shaped all the sexual attitudes and beliefs I formed as I grew up – for the better.

Try these episodes: The team talks to Deborah Sundahl about G-spots and female ejaculation. A controversial discussion on ecstatic/orgasmic birth. HIV 101 with HIV/AIDS educator Gay Rick.

Open Source Sex is/was (I’m not sure if she’s still making it?) a podcast created and hosted by Violet Blue, who, if you don’t know, is an amazingly prolific writer, editor, and media-maker in the realms of sex and digital security. In other words, she’s a sex geek and a tech geek. And she has an incredibly gorgeous, sexy voice that’s ultra-soothing to listen to.

She does all sorts of different things on her podcast: discusses sexual issues, interviews sex-world celebrities, and reads erotic and instructional excerpts from her own books and other people’s. It’s a smorgasbord of information and titillation that could bring value to the life of any sex nerd.

Try these episodes: An interview with Shine Louise Houston, creator of the Crash Pad Series. Genital flavors: why you taste the way you do, and how to make changes if you want to. Excerpts from The Castle, a BDSM novel.

Sex Out Loud is Tristan Taormino’s podcast. Tristan needs no introduction because everyone in the sex world knows about her, but incase you don’t: she directs hot-as-fuck porn, writes and edits books about sex and non-monogamy, gives lectures and workshops, co-founded the Feminist Porn Conference, and now hosts this podcast.

Each episode of Sex Out Loud is an in-depth interview with someone who is doing interesting things within their little pocket of sexuality subculture. I started by listening to interviews with people I already knew, and then delved into those with folks I’d never heard of – and I learned new and interesting things from each and every episode.

Try these episodes: A fascinating discussion with Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex At Dawn. Tristan chats with S. Bear Bergman, author of Butch is a Noun and various other books that I love. Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross on the politics of female masturbation.

The Savage Lovecast is Dan Savage’s podcast. I recognize that lots of people in the sex-positive world take issue with Dan Savage for various reasons, and I agree with them on many of those points. But I can’t deny that I find Dan very entertaining and I think his contributions to LGBT rights advocacy have been overall positive.

Each episode of the Lovecast starts with a “rant” from Dan on some sexual or political (or both) topic that’s in the news. Then he plays calls from listeners and gives them advice. The questions can range from commonplace and vanilla (“How do I come out to my parents?” or “Why doesn’t my girlfriend get off during intercourse?”) to complex and unusual (“Should I have been nicer when I rejected that guy with an adult baby fetish?” or “I found my dad’s stash of ladies’ panties and he had a pair of mine in there; what should I do?”). Dan almost always takes a strong stance one way or the other, and even when I don’t agree with him, I find his responses amusing and thought-provoking.

Try these episodes: Uh, seriously, any of them. They’re all great. Pick one and press play.

Why Are People Into That? is the newest podcast out of all of these. I saw a flier for it when I was at the Feminist Porn Conference and literally gasped as I grabbed one, because the title of this show is the question that fascinates me most about sexuality. Why are people into that?

The show is hosted by Tina Horn, porn performer, sex worker, and writer. She’s smart as a whip, relentlessly thoughtful, and endlessly curious about sex. Each episode has a different guest with whom she discusses a particular fetish or kink, usually one that the person themselves is into.

The discussions are pretty free-form and meandering, like real-life conversations, only they’re a hell of a lot smarter and more interesting than many of the conversations I have in real life!

Try these episodes: Sinclair Sexsmith on power. James Darling on high heels. Siouxsie Q on age play.

Other sex podcasts I’ve heard are good, but haven’t personally gotten the chance to listen to yet:

• The Whorecast

• Sex With Emily

• Sex Nerd Sandra

What are your favorite podcasts about sex?

Review: Pipedream Ceramix No. 1

Kate Sloan

I really wanted to like the Pipedream Ceramix No. 1, because it’s hard not to like a butt plug that looks like a toadstool from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I am all about that Lewis Carroll aesthetic – but this plug just doesn’t work for my body.

The Ceramix line is a step forward for Pipedream: it’s a whole series of toys made of a somewhat innovative, body-safe material (ceramic, bien sûr!). I think the only ceramic toy I’d tried prior to this one is the Pleasure dildo by Duncan Charles Designs, and while I really liked it, the company’s website is down and the toy doesn’t seem to be available anywhere online anymore, to my knowledge. So it’s nice to see more ceramic options on the market.

Ceramic is a groovy material for sex toys. It has the firmness and temperature-play capabilities of glass or steel, but it’s relatively light compared to those two. It’s smooth to the touch and feels luxurious but is often pretty affordable. And of course, it’s non-porous and phthalate-free. Score!

When I looked at pictures of the No. 1 plug, I thought that the white spots would be raised bumps, which seemed potentially painful to me. But nope – they’re just dots that are painted onto the surface of the toy and imperceptible to the touch. That was a definite plus for me, but if you’re looking for mega texture, you’ll want to look elsewhere. (I recommend the Tantus Twist!)

The No. 1 is girthy, at 1.75" in diameter. It’s also short (3" insertable). This combination can be dangerous if you don’t warm yourself up properly, because the slope from the tip of the toy to its widest point is steep and sudden, or at least it certainly feels that way in use. I didn’t always practice responsible warm-up protocol when using this toy and insertion was sometimes painful as a result. Learn from my mistakes!

It’s a relief when you finally get the toy all the way in, because the discomfort of insertion goes away, but then the discomfort of actually wearing the toy kicks in. The base is round and digs into my asscheeks (y’all know how I love that – not!) and the business end of the plug seems to stretch my ass uncomfortably no matter how much lube I use or how slow I go. I know some folks are into that stretching sensation, or might even enjoy buttcheek pain, but… I really, really don’t like those feelings. There were many times during my testing process when I’d literally squirm and writhe around while using this plug because I just couldn’t get comfortable, and wanted to yank the plug out ASAP.

So, while I really like how the Ceramix No. 1 looks when it’s sitting on my desk, and while I appreciate that Pipedream is trying to do something unique with its Ceramix line, I just can’t get on board with this plug. It causes me all sorts of aches and pains and is too girthy for my tastes.

Thanks to Pipedream and PinkCherry for the toy!