Birth Control: An Inconvenient Truth

Kate Sloan

As a bisexual, one of the things people often ask me is whether I prefer dating men or women. While that is obviously a stupid question, given that I choose partners based on their awesome qualities and not on their genitals, there is one thing that kind of sucks about dating people who have penises: it requires me to be on birth control.

When I first got into my current relationship, which is my first serious relationship with a dude, I got prescribed Alesse – a lower-dose hormonal contraceptive pill. (I was recommended the lower dosage because I have a family history of breast cancer.)

The first 12-18 months or so were hellish. Bad cramps, heavier and more frequent periods than I was used to, and – worst of all – one or two days every month of total batshit moodiness. During those days I’d feel depressed, sometimes suicidal, and always listless and dysfunctional. Many a time, I called up my city’s distress centre to weep at them, or sobbed uncontrollably all over my boyfriend’s formerly dry shirt.

I had always heard that the worst side effects of hormonal birth control will tend to go away after only a few months of being on the drug, but that wasn’t the case for me. It took at least a year before things started to clear up.

After that, I didn’t have depressed days anymore (at least, not hormonally-induced ones), my cramps weren’t as bad, and I got used to the amount of blood, so everything was cool. Except that I had started to hate the process of taking a pill every day. It was annoying to have to remember to do it at the same time, every single day, forever. So I went to see my doctor to discuss other options.

She put me on the NuvaRing, a squishy, hormone-emanating circle that you shove up inside your vag and leave for 3 weeks at a time. I LOVE IT. It’s genius.

Initially I was worried that I’d get an infection from using it, namely BV, because that’s what tends to happen to me when I leave something in my vagina too long. So I would take it out during every shower and give it a rinse before sticking it back in. But eventually I discovered that this wasn’t really necessary. I’ve been wearing my current ring continuously since I put it in 2+ weeks ago and haven’t gotten an infection or even any discomfort.

The one thing that doesn’t thrill me about the NuvaRing is that it makes me a little bit hesitant to use penetrative toys, because I’m worried that the ring will fall out. But really, I shouldn’t worry about that. If it does fall out, I can just rinse it off and put it back in.

My partner and I also use condoms on top of my hormonal BC. Maybe that makes us paranoid, but whatever – we just really, really cannot get pregnant at this juncture in our lives, so we’re being careful. With proper use of high-effectiveness BC methods, condoms aren’t necessary.

Do you use birth control? What’s your current method? Would you recommend it?

Review: Tantus Snap Strap paddle

Kate Sloan

I don’t think I really believed Tantus when they first came out with their line of paddles and said that the collection “can give you an entire spectrum of colors during use, from rosy pink, all the way to black & blue.” I guess I just didn’t think there could be that much variety from one plain-looking silicone paddle to another. But now I’m converted. Now I understand.

I have two paddles from the collection now, the Snap Strap, which I’m reviewing today, and the Wham Bam, which I’ve had for a few months already. Both are excellent, but I have a strong preference for the Wham Bam and I’ll tell you why.

In kink-speak, there are basically two ends of the spectrum when it comes to the sensations of impact play: “stingy” (pronounced sting-ee, not stin-jee) and “thuddy.” In a way, I think of them as being akin to the distinction between “buzzy” and “rumbly” in vibrators. If a paddle, flogger, or crop is stingy, its impact is basically surface-level, whereas a thuddy implement packs a deeper punch. Think of it as the difference between someone slapping your ass and punching it, maybe.

My boyfriend and I spent a good while testing both the Snap Strap and the Wham Bam on one another, and we both concluded that we prefer the Wham Bam – because it’s thuddier. Its sensation is fuller and more impactful. It’s more painful, but in a good way.

Of course, others will prefer the Snap Strap for its distinctly stingy sensation. Everyone has preferences and those preferences inform what kind of paddle you should buy.

As for the wielding end of the experience, the Wham Bam is definitely easier to manoeuver. The business end is thicker and shorter, so it doesn’t flop around as much. Both my partner and I found the Snap Strap so long and floppy that it was tricky to aim with. It truly behaves more like a strap, a belt, or a whip than a paddle – so if you already like that type of toy and want a sturdier version, the Snap Strap might be a good option.

By the way, if you’re wondering why someone would want a silicone paddle over more traditional materials like leather, here’s why: silicone is sterilizable. Say you’re playing with one of your partners and you happen to get some of her bodily fluids onto the paddle, but you have a date with your other partner later that day for some spanking (you minx, you!). With Tantus toys, that’s no problem – just stick it in some boiling water for a few minutes and you’re good to go.

So which paddle should you buy? If you’re a spankee, ask yourself whether your favorite part of a spanking is the sharp feeling on your skin (Snap Strap!) or the deep, reverberating sensation of a strong smack (Wham Bam!). If you’re a spanker, ask yourself if you feel more comfortable wielding a traditional paddle (Wham Bam!) or something closer to a whip (Snap Strap!).

Or you could just get both and call it a day.

Many thanks to PinkCherry for providing me with this toy!

Sharing the Sexy #29

Kate Sloan

• To Be a Slut has some new workshops planned. Body Love sounds like a must-do!

• Accidentally sexual vintage comics. Yessss!

• Interested in voyeurism or exhibitionism? On PerfectCam, you can watch all kinds of sexy folks doing sexy things live – and you can even model yourself, if you want. Fun!

• A new study confirms that circumcision is genital mutilation.

• Ignore the grammar and punctuation mistakes and just enjoy this fascinating account of Ugandan sexual practices.

• Evil Slutopia’s chapter-by-chapter Fifty Shades write-ups continue to be hilarious and illuminating.

• Most disturbing thread I saw on Reddit this week: a woman’s “alternative relationship” with her cat.

• Epiphora really, really hates pink sex toys. I agree and would love to see more blue/turquoise toys in the world!

• “Real men” in underwear ads. I put that in quotation marks because I think it’s weird when people try to argue that models aren’t “real people.” Can we just say “non-model men”?!

Full disclosure: one of these links was sponsored!

Review: Something Forbidden Butt Plug

Kate Sloan

I’ve tried a lot of butt plugs in my day, but the Something Forbidden is easily the worst-designed of all of them.

It’s from the official Fifty Shades of Grey collection, meaning it was co-designed by E. L. James, so really, I should’ve guessed it would suck. But I thought that the other co-designer, Lovehoney, would know better, given that they actually make and sell sex toys (including the Sqweel, which I like). But nope. This butt plug is straight-up terrible.

Let’s go through the concerns I have with it, from most horrifying to least:

First off, the base is the WORST base I have ever encountered. It’s ring-shaped, and it is made of incredibly floppy, squishy, thin silicone. I can squish the base completely flat between two fingers with minimal effort. This means that whenever I wear the plug, I am constantly terrified that the base is going to smush together and the whole toy is going to slip inside me, necessitating a mad dash to the emergency room. Not fun.

Secondly, the words “Fifty Shades of Grey” are carved into the side of the plug. Not only is that a lot of tiny text to have to scrub with an old toothbrush during the cleaning process, but also – the text is engraved on the plug itself, not the base. So you’ve got a shit ton of text that can easily become encrusted with, you guessed it, actual shit. And lube, and whatever else. And it’s not that easy to clean. Gross. Major, major design flaw.

Thirdly, there’s a big seam running all the way around the plug. This isn’t the kind of thing I usually notice on sex toys (maybe my butt just isn’t that sensitive?) but I know it drives other people nuts, so it’s worth noting.

If the Something Forbidden were overhauled and those three glaring problems were fixed, I could see it being a decent plug for the kind of audience the Fifty Shades collection is aiming for: vanilla folks who have never or seldom tried kink before (including anal play). This plug is a good size for beginners, at 1″ in diameter, and it has a nicely tapered tip that makes it easy to insert. It also plays well with my favorite lube; I didn’t find I needed to reapply, even after an hour of wear.

The plug comes with a lovely silver-grey storage bag with the words Fifty Shades of Grey printed on it. While it’s obviously not the most discreet storage solution in the world, I still appreciate it. Too many companies forget the importance of including a storage bag, especially with lint-happy silicone toys like this one.

But overall? Please, please, please, don’t buy this plug. It’s a Colossal Butt Hazard. If you want something similarly sized and shaped, but 100% more safe, I highly recommend Tantus’s Meteorite, Slim, or Little Flirt. Or you could pay $60 for the best butt plug ever and never have to worry about your butt’s needs again.

Just stay the fuck away from the Something Forbidden. I do, indeed, forbid you to put it in your butt.

Thanks so much to PinkCherry for providing me with this toy!

How to Wake Up Your G-Spot: A Beginner’s Guide

Kate Sloan

I have a lot of qualms with the emphasis our culture places on penis-in-vagina sex. I know it’s how babies are made, obviously, so it’s considered the quintessential straight sex act – but I think women really get the short end of the stick on that one.

Most of us can’t have orgasms from penetration alone. Many of us feel too embarrassed – either because of our own insecurities or because of things our partners have actually said – to stimulate our own clits during sex. And some of us, beyond being unable to orgasm during PIV sex, don’t even get any pleasure out of it at all.

I used to be a member of that last group, and it made me feel defective and disappointed. So I started doing some research and experimentation to figure out how to make my G-spot feel pleasure even without getting my clit involved. Here’s what I learned – it won’t work for everybody, but it’s worth a shot.

Get a good G-spot toy. Hang tight, don’t use it yet – we’re going to talk about that in a minute. Just get your hands on one. I often recommend this one because it’s not too expensive and it’s made of firm, G-spot-loving glass. However, if money’s no object, the Pure Wand and Comet Wand are widely considered some of the best G-spot toys on the market.

While you’re shopping, you’ll also want to pick up a good, long-lasting, vagina-safe lube. For a glass or steel toy, you can use a silicone-based lube like Sliquid Silver; if your toy is silicone, you should use a thick water-based lube like Sliquid Organics Gel.

Empty your bladder and lay down a thick folded towel or two. Many folks find that G-spot stimulation feels like the urge to pee, especially when they’re just starting out. This is normal, so don’t get freaked out if it happens to you. But do make sure to lay down some towels so you can relax into the sensation. Nothing kills a mood faster than the sudden belief that you are going to wet your bed.

Partly for this reason, I also think it’s best if you start out doing this stuff on your own, as opposed to with a partner. Even if you have the most open-minded, non-judgmental partner in the world, another set of eyes could still make you feel vulnerable and ashamed under certain circumstances. Try it alone first until you’re used to how it feels, and then you can invite your partner to join the party if you want to.

Get yourself very turned on. Do this in a way that’s reliable for you: trusty clit vibe, favorite porn, etc. Get close to orgasm but don’t quite bring yourself there yet.

Slowly add G-spot stimulation. Lube up the toy you chose before and slide it in, while continuing to stimulate your clit. Try to focus on the feelings in your clit so you won’t get too disoriented or sidetracked by the new, foreign sensations in your G-spot.

Place your focus on the G-spot stimulation. I don’t know about you, but I usually have to concentrate pretty hard on what my clit is feeling in order to get off… except for occasional sessions where my focus shifts to my G-spot. These orgasms are always more intense for me.

Just notice the sensations in your G-spot and any pleasure you might be feeling. If you find this distracting rather than arousing, don’t despair; you can try again a week or a month from now when your G-spot will likely be more sensitive.

Try to reach orgasm at this point (if orgasm is a normal part of your masturbation sessions, and if you want to, that is). That way you can move onto the next step…

Try post-orgasm G-spot stimulation. The G-spot swells up during arousal, so it may reach its peak sensitivity right before or right after orgasm, when you’re most physically aroused. Experiment with different kinds of thrusts – hard and fast, slow and smooth, rocking back and forth, jagging in and out – and see if anything feels good.

After going through this process several times over the course of a few weeks or more, you may find that your body has started to make connections between G-spot sensations and sexual pleasure. Some people have this connection right off the bat, but some don’t, so this process is a good option if you need help sensitizing your G-spot.

Don’t get discouraged if you still can’t reach orgasm from G-spot stimulation alone. Most women can’t. Pleasure is pleasure, so as long as you’re enjoying yourself, you’re golden. Orgasms can happen in all sorts of ways, so there’s no reason to bully yourself into making it happen in one specific way.

More experienced readers: how did you “wake up” your G-spot?