Review: Happy Valley Joe Rock

Kate Sloan

I’m kind of unhealthily in love with Happy Valley. Essentially the Canadian answer to Tantus, they make 100% silicone toys for butts and twats. My very first anal toy was by Happy Valley, and it has served me very well.

Despite all this, sadly, their Joe Rock plug just didn’t work out for me. In fact, I may have thrown the word “hate” around when I was tweeting about my experience with this toy. And “hate” isn’t a word I use lightly, especially in reference to sex toys.

I chose the Joe for a number of reasons: it’s Happy Valley, it comes in a bright shade of blue (my favorite), it’s a manageable 1 ¼" in girth (bigger than my beginner plug, but not as big as the bulbous Ryder), and it has a slightly tapered shape that makes it look easy to insert.

I was all too excited to receive my Joe Rock. I thought it would be “the next big thing” in my anal adventures, small enough to slip in without warm-up and wear around town, but large enough to feel filling. Let me tell you, the size of the Joe is utterly perfect for me; it’s the shape and material that my butt takes issue with.

First off, the body of the plug feels long and pointy inside me. It’s not as long as the Ryder, but because Happy Valley silicone is firmer than Tantus silicone, it feels like more of an assault on my ass. I don’t like having to be careful when I sit down so as not to bruise my innards.

Secondly, the Joe’s neck is a big issue. It looks slim and comfy in photos, but since the silicone is so firm, it doesn’t feel that way in use. My sphincter can grip it, and the plug stays in well enough, but the neck is so uncomfortable on my anal opening. Rather than noticing the delicious fullness of the plug itself, I’m constantly distracted by the feeling of the neck dangling awkwardly out of my ass.

The base is also weird. It’s a thick rectangle that certainly keeps Joe from being sucked up into my ass, but torments my buttcheeks the whole time I’m wearing it. I’m afraid to wear Joe out on the town because I know my ass will start chafing and I’ll be miserable. This is not a good plug for long-term wear.

Even for short-term use, though, this plug is insufferable. So I’m still on the hunt for my perfect plug – easy to insert without pre-stretching, maybe 1 ¼" in girth, thin neck, solid but comfy base. The medium Pure Plug looks like a good contender; I guess I’ll have to wait and find out.

I bought the Joe Rock plug with my own affiliate earnings, and was not required to review it – but hey, I did anyway!

Useful Resources for Sexy, Sex-Positive Sexpots

Kate Sloan

I’m tempted to begin this post with an affectionate greeting I use with my friends: “Hey, queerz!” However, I recognize that many of you don’t identify as queer, so I won’t do that. (Can we come up with a noun that encompasses “sex-positive people” without offending or excluding anyone who falls into that group? Let me know, in the comments, if you think of anything.)

This blog is still new, so I’m still bouncing around ideas. A lot of blogs do a weekly “link round-up” that points to articles, websites, communities and projects that may be of interest. I’m not sure yet if I’m going to commit to doing something like that, but for now, here’s a list of some of my favorite sex-poz places on the internet. Hope you enjoy! (I know you will.)

Sexxit is a subdivision of the overwhelmingly male-dominated, often misogynist social discussion website Reddit. I’ve rage-quit Reddit a couple of times because of stupid shit like people who deny that there’s a rape culture and people who tell women to go make sandwiches, but I find that if I limit myself to only posting in and reading the Sex community, I don’t get as frustrated. The people there know what they’re talking about (for the most part) and can have actual, in-depth discussions about things like setting kink boundaries and making up for mismatched libidos.

To Be a Slut is a blog about reclaiming female sexuality, being okay with your body, and deconstructing shitty sexual cultural narratives. Its owner, Caitlin, runs Body Pride workshops and is a member of a collective called I’d Tap That which throws mixers for sex-poz people. Don’t you wish you lived where I live?!

If you are interested in consensual nonmonogamy, there are two blogs I can’t recommend highly enough: Taken But Available (run by a Canadian woman in a long-term open relationship) and We Sleep Together (sparsely updated these days, but written by a very clever fellow in an open marriage). When I was cobbling together ideas about what my own ideal relationship structure would look like, I checked in with these folks to learn about issues like jealousy, “new relationship energy,” and the power of dating websites.

Hey Epiphora is simply the best sex toy reviews blog I’ve come across. I also read Dangerous Lilly, Navigator, True Pleasures, and DIY Orgasms. And if you want a great place to find reviews on toys easily, written by people who know how to write, Sex Toy Society is pretty rad. They do a weekly round-up that will keep you on top of what’s going on in the reviewing world.

I love to listen to podcasts, especially when I’m walking to and from my volunteering gig or I’m working on a creative project of some sort. My favorite sex-related ones are Sex is Fun and the Savage Lovecast. Both are consistently entertaining and informative, even for someone like me who’s been obsessively researching sexuality online for years and years.

So, that’s what I’m consuming and participating in lately, as far as sex-poz materials go. Readers: What are your favorite sex-related online resources?

Story Time: My First Girlfriend

Kate Sloan

There’s nothing quite like being freshly out of the closet.

Once the smoke has cleared and you’re no longer dealing with a daily onslaught of reactions to your announcement, you can see the enormous horizons in front of you. You can see all the people who you now have permission to date and to fuck. And it’s a freeing, though incredibly terrifying, feeling.

I came out as bi when I was fifteen, after I realized that a raver chick who’d been flirting with me was actually pretty attractive. Not just in an “Oh hey, I like her outfit” kind of way, but in an “I wouldn’t mind if she pinned me against a wall and kissed me til my lips bruise” kind of way.

The raver girl got a boyfriend just before school let out for the summer. I remember being crushed when, on the last day of ninth grade, I stood by the front doors and watched her walk out, hand in hand with her new man (or should I say, boy). I had this sense that she was the only girl in possession of the key to my bisexuality, and I’d have to give up on girls forever now. It was silly, but it was how I felt.

But when we got back to school after the summer of my first Pride, I noticed a new girl. A charming, awkward, witty, intelligent girl who loved Edward Albee and potato latkes. Her gender presentation veered toward androgyny, and she proudly self-identified with the word “dyke,” but she was nowhere near butch. To this day, I still have a thing for girls who are boyish as hell but still very much girls (which I realize is hard to conceptualize and visualize – it’s more of a “vibe” thing, I suppose).

She wrote to me online to tell me she liked something I’d written, some story I’d read aloud in the English class we’d shared in the previous school year. We sent messages back and forth after that, rarely encountering each other at school but encountering each other multiple times a day in our online haunts. We talked about books and films and strange societal phenomena.

I remember standing at the sinks in the girls’ bathroom with my best friend at the time, and telling her, “I think I have a crush on that girl I’ve been talking to.” My friend said, “You should ask her out!” Like it was so simple. Like I was that brave. Like I was ready to take on my first relationship, period, let alone my first queer relationship.

It took me an entire month to build up a sense that The Girl actually liked me, in some way beyond just admiring my writing and my taste in horror flicks. But she did. I was almost certain of it. The way she looked up at me demurely when I walked by her group of friends at lunch, the way she snuck out of detention just to talk to me for a few short minutes, the way she kept mentioning her gayness and my biness as if to confirm the compatibility of the two. It seemed almost like an invitation.

Once, on the subway, I leaned forward to hug her just as the train was pulling into my stop, and it suddenly jerked, causing me to fall right into her. Body contact. Words caught somewhere in my esophagus. I gasped and giggled and rushed off the train, euphoric.

So it was finally time to do something about it.

I wrote her a letter, though “assembled” would probably be a better word, since it was actually just an annotated collection of excerpts from my journal. The excerpts explained that I really, really liked her, that I wanted to be with her and thought she was wonderful and thought about kissing her. Mushy crap that I figured she would like.

After shoving the letter nervously into her hands at the very end of a party, I said goodbye and rushed home. I didn’t want to be anywhere near her when she read that thing. I wanted to be far enough away that she could completely ignore me if she wanted to.

But she didn’t want to. My phone rang shortly after I arrived home.

“Hello?”
“Hi.” It was her.
“Hi.” I felt like I’d been dunked in ice.
“Hi. So… we should date.”

And so began the most gutwrenching and romantically titillating few weeks of my life thus far.

To be continued…?

Readers: Have any romantic stories from your youth to share? Did your first boyfriend/girlfriend live up to your expectations of relationships? How have you grown since then?

Review: California Exotics Couture Collection Eclipse

Kate Sloan

Vaginal balls always vaguely intrigued me. The claims they make are so impressive: stronger orgasms, increased muscle control, something to keep you entertained while you wait in line at the grocery store. As someone who cares immensely about maintaining my sexual health, I decided I needed a set – so I asked Sex Toys Canada to send me the Eclipse from CalEx’s Couture Collection. Despite CalEx’s shoddy reputation and sometimes even shoddier products, I’m very pleased with my choice.

My Eclipse balls are white, but they also come in pink or purple. The balls themselves are made of shiny ABS plastic, and are housed in a non-removable, soft silicone casing with circular cutouts that allow some of the plastic to show through. Because the silicone is apparently fused to the plastic, there’s no risk of getting bacteria-laden fluids trapped between the two, though the seams might need some toothbrush-scrubbing during cleaning.

Each ball has a diameter of about 1.4 inches, which (unless you’re a size queen) is nothing to sneeze at. They aren’t always comfortable to insert, so I opt to put some water-based lube on the first ball before pushing it up into me.

In use, the balls feel very bouncy and lovely. Walking up and down stairs is the best way to get that jangly feeling as the balls roll around inside their casings – but even walking around at a normal speed on level ground is enough to get ‘em rolling. It’s my understanding that vaginal balls are meant to be constantly noticeable so that you remember to do your kegels, and these are certainly effective for that – but the bouncing feeling is pleasant enough on its own, even without following it up with kegel exercises.

I’ve worn the Eclipse balls for hours at a time and nothing bad has happened as a result of this. I can wear them while going to the bathroom without incident, as long as I hold the retrieval cord out of the way – though people with narrow urethras may have trouble peeing with these girthy balls inside them.

The main issue I detect with the Eclipse balls is its stretchy silicone parts. The bridge between the two balls is stretchy, and it’s so insanely thin that I frequently get nervous it’ll break. However, I’ve stretched it a fair bit and it’s still perfectly intact. The same is true of the retrieval cord – it’s stretchy, making removal difficult and time-consuming but not impossible. (I usually end up just tugging on one of the balls itself to get them to pop out, since the string is so annoyingly elastic.)

Each of the balls weighs around a tenth of a pound, or 45 grams, which some beginners may find too heavy to start with. I think these balls are girthy and draggy enough that they’d stay in anyway, but it’s hard to say, because my pussy is on the tighter side. Someone with underdeveloped PC muscles might have a better time with a different kegel exerciser toy that is smaller and lighter.

While the CalEx Eclipse balls have a couple of design problems, I ultimately believe they do their job quite well. They remind me to do my kegels, they feel good in use, and they’re cute to look at. I still want to get my hands on some Lelo Luna Beads one day, but for now, these certainly do the trick.

Thanks, Sex Toys Canada, for assisting me with my sexual health!

Review: Icicles No. 2

Kate Sloan

The icicles No. 2 dildo is like a tall, muscular, handsome guy you meet at a party. As he charms you with easy flirtation, you think about sleeping with him; you imagine he probably looks fantastic naked and has a big, thick cock. But at the same time, you know his good looks may have allowed him to squeak by without picking up the sexual skills you’ll need to be satisfied. He likely knows how to use his dick well, but maybe that’s all he knows how to do. And as good-looking as he is, a lack of creativity and versatility would make him a bore in bed.

That is to say: the Icicles No. 2 is a beautiful dildo, and it feels good in use, but it doesn’t do anything particularly new or exciting or even satisfying.

The Icicles line, by Pipedreams, is the mass-produced answer to all those small companies making hand-blown glass toys. The “big guys” don’t always pay as much attention to quality as the little guys do, and I’ve heard some bad stories about the Icicles line – mainly that some of the paint will sometimes flake off the colored dildos. For this reason, I chose an Icicles model that had no color, and was fairly straight-ahead.

Icicles No. 2 actually kind of looks like an icicle, unlike many of its brothers and sisters. It consists of several ripply bulbs, ranging in size from ¾" to 1 ½" – it measures 8 ½" from end to end, so it’s quite big. I can only fit about half of it inside me comfortably.

My overwhelming impression of this toy is that it doesn’t know what it wants to be. The big end feels good in my vagina for the first little while, but eventually I crave a thicker shaft with more G-spotting capabilities. The small end, on the other hand, feels good when inserted anally, but the toy doesn’t have a flared base, so I worry about using it that way. I feel like Pipedreams should have picked one specific purpose for this toy, whether that be vaginal or anal stimulation, and added features to improve the toy for that use. As is, it’s a little “meh” in either orifice.

Another obnoxious thing about Icicles toys is that they don’t come with storage bags. The packaging is nice, and includes a thick styrofoam insert to protect the toy during transit, but there really isn’t any excuse for selling glass toys without padded bags to keep them in. I’ve been keeping this dildo in the styrofoam it came in, but that’s big and bulky, so I’ll have to come up with another solution soon (maybe I’ll wrap it in an old shirt?). Hey Pipedreams, even tiny, independent toy makers have figured out the importance of including storage options; why haven’t you?

The biggest ball is my favorite part of the toy, because it hits my G-spot very nicely when it first slides in. If the entire dildo consisted of 1 ½" balls, it’d probably be my new favorite glass toy. It still wouldn’t be especially exciting or interesting, but at least it’d be good.

If you want a long, ripply, glass wand that can be used anally or vaginally, to pleasant effect, the Icicles No. 2 could be your new best friend. But if you’ve already felt glass ripples, this one probably won’t impress you too much, and you’d be better off getting something more unique (maybe the tentacle-like Icicles No. 24, or the G-spot champion Bent Graduate). Glass is fun, easy to take care of, and feels great, but toy manufacturers will have to be more creative than the Icicles No. 2 if they want to continue to do well.