The Charm of Cunnilingus

Kate Sloan

Sometimes I ask myself why I’m so obsessed with cunnilingus. The word, the concept, the act, all loom large in my sexual fantasies and my sexual life. When I filled out compatibility questions for OkCupid, I made it mandatory that all potential matches “love performing oral sex.” That’s how into cunnilingus I am.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a proclivity that developed due to the fact that my first sexual relationship consisted almost entirely of cunnilingus… but when I’m honest with myself, I know that the preoccupation dates back further than that. I remember writing oral-soaked fan fiction when I was a wee thing. I remember masturbating by rubbing my teddy bear’s face against my vulva. I remember imagining that the bath water cascading onto my clit was the tongue of an attentive lover.

Some time ago, I started a cunnilingus-themed blog, its aim to collect a whole bunch of images, text, and videos on the topic into one area, for fellow enthusiasts to enjoy. I was proud of the blog, and treasured the feeling that I was filling a void where there had been very little before. But as proud as I was, it was still difficult for me to tell my boyfriend (who, at the time, I’d only been dating for a month or two) about my blog, because I worried he’d think I was some kind of oral sex addict. I didn’t want to come off as sexually selfish.

After he started going down on me regularly, though, I felt like the taboo was lifted. He was clearly a fan of it too (hell, we’d met on OkCupid, which I’d set up to guarantee this for me) and I felt able to open up about my sexual obsession. I told him about my blog, and we discussed what made cunnilingus such a magical, beautiful thing.

Here’s my theory:

Penises want warm, wet things to surround them. That is their goal in life. So whether it be a pussy or a mouth or a well-lubed ass, that need is being met fairly regularly for the vast majority of men in sexual relationships.

The clitoris is analogous to the penis, so it stands to reason that it would crave the same warm, wet sensations – but it doesn’t get them in most typical forms of sex and masturbation. Doesn’t matter how intense the vibrator, how fast the fingers, or how well-angled the pubic bone – it’s not warm, it’s not wet, it’s not entirely fulfilling (at least in my case).

In that way, I feel that it would be 100% reasonable and expectable for a woman to consider cunnilingus mandatory in all of her sexual relationships. Naturally, not every woman likes receiving oral sex and not every partner is interested in giving it, but no woman should ever be shamed out of asking for oral if it’s what she wants. It’s every bit as valid, important, and wonderful as a blowjob could ever be.

I also feel that, as women, we are constantly being told that there’s something wrong with our genitals – clit too big, labia too long, pussy too loose, too tangy, too smelly, what have you – and so there’s something incredibly powerful about someone being willing, even wanting, to take all that into their mouth. True, there are also men who feel ashamed of their junk, but I don’t think it’s as systematic and pervasive as vagina-hate.

To this day, cunnilingus is still the fastest way to get me going. I would almost consider it a fetish (though, arguably, “standard” sexual acts can’t really be “fetishes,” since they aren’t exactly deviant or different) because I pretty much have to be either receiving it or thinking about it to be able to reach orgasm.

I’m lucky enough to have a lover who loves the whole concept of pussy-eating as much as I do. It’s a part of our experience almost every time we have sex, because it’s something we mutually enjoy very much. And it helps get me primed so I can come much easier during intercourse – always a plus, for both of us!

I wish I could go back in time and talk to my younger self. After giving her a loving lecture on the importance of self-acceptance and not giving a damn what anyone thinks, I’d add, “You know how you love the idea of someone going down on you? Yeah, that’s going to happen a lot when you’re older. Just wait it out.” I know she’d be totally stoked.

Readers: What’s your relationship with cunnilingus? What are your thoughts on how it’s depicted in porn and mainstream media? Got any recommendations of must-see videos, images, or text for a cunnilingus enthusiast?

5 Sex Toys I Covet For Their Weirdness

Kate Sloan

My sex toy wishlists are an eclectic amalgamation of awesome, good, and questionable. (You can click over to them using the links in my sidebar, if you want to take a look or even buy me something.) There are all sorts of materials (everything except jelly!), shapes, sizes, functions, intensities, volumes, companies, and levels of attractiveness. I thought I’d do a post to profile some of the weirder items on my wishlists, and the reasons I want them.

At first glance, the Vibratex Pixie Plus looks like any gross sex toy you could pull off a shelf at a low-end “novelty” sex shop – cheap, nubby, vaguely jelly-esque (don’t worry, it’s elastomer). But if you could turn it on, you’d see that the internal portion of the Pixie doesn’t vibrate – its tip strokes back and forth, like the famous “come hither” motion. Since most G-spots respond better to stroking than they do to vibration, I am all for dual-stimulation vibes with internal parts that do something interesting.

The Lelo Olga wins the award for most ridiculously luxe toy, because it’s just Ella made of stainless steel and given a price increase of approximately 700%. Despite what a silly purchase it’d be, I want it, because Ella’s neck was too bendy and couldn’t put enough pressure on my G-spot. Plus, you could use Olga to do your daily bicep curls.

Love To Love’s Oh Oui! is a hot pink vibrating banana. It makes me wonder if there is a fruit fetishist market within the sex toy industry. But I gotta say, it looks like it’d reach my G-spot efficiently, which is more than I can say for many toys.

I will one day have a Clone-a-Willy Kit. It turns out that my boyfriend’s cock is literally the perfect size for me – long enough to fill me up without hitting my cervix, wide enough to hit the right spots without stretching me apart – and I want a replica that I can use when I’m alone. For now, I’m lusting after the Mark O2 because it seems to have similar dimensions… but one day, I will want a real copy, and that is where Clone-a-Willy comes in.

There’s been much talk about the Sqweel, an oral sex simulator with ten fast-flapping tongues. Many reviewers say it’s messy, not stimulating enough, has seams you can feel, and gets in the way of any penetrative toys you might want to use in tandem with it. Still, something about it makes me want it. I’m a cunnilingus enthusiast 4 lyfe, and that is why I need a Sqweel, no matter how bad it is.

Review: Jollies Jollet

Kate Sloan

I was insanely excited to receive my package from Chavez Dezignz. As soon as I had opened it up and fondled this beautiful polka-dotted dildo in my hands, I updated my EdenFantasys status: “This week, my vagina will conquer the Jollies Jollet!”

I’m sad to report that it actually happened the other way around: the Jollet conquered my vagina.

My vag is on the smaller side of average. This is something I know, and have had to accept. I can take my boyfriend’s 6", average-girthed cock without pain or discomfort if it’s adequately lubed, and I can handle a dildo of a 1.5" diameter if I’m warmed up – but that’s about as far as I had gone, prior to the Jollet.

Jollies’ Jollet was designed from a mould of a vagina, so it’s made to fill up all the nooks and crannies inside a pussy, nestling there and staying in place. As such, it has a rather enormous bump (1.75") toward the end of the shaft that is meant to stimulate the G-spot when fully inserted. The Jollet also has a small, pointy end that can rub the cervix and surrounding area. I requested the Jollet because I like firm pressure on my G-spot and mild cervical stimulation, so it seemed like a good fit.

Tragically, it’s not a good fit at all. I’ve tried to use the Jollet on multiple occasions with no luck whatsoever.

This is how it usually goes: While watching porn and playing with my clit, I warm up with some other dildos, starting with a small one (Ella) and then moving to a larger one (Adam). Everything’s lubed and feeling good; I’m getting very turned on and can feel my G-spot crying out for more.

Then, I think, “Hey, maybe I’ll try the Jollet today.” I pull it out, drench it in lube, and slowly start to slide it in.

As the G-spot bump becomes parallel with my pubic bone, my pussy is overtaken by a sharp, burning pain. I tell myself, Just a little further, maybe it’ll slide in, and push it. It feels forced and agonizing. It feels like losing my virginity all over again.

After a few minutes of this, I can’t handle the pain anymore, so I remove the inch or two of the Jollet that I had managed to insert, wipe off the gallons of lube, and collapse into a pile of defeat and frustration.

If I was going to commission Chavez Dezignz to make a version of the Jollet just for me, I’d make a couple of small, but significant changes. I’d have them make the silicone squishier (currently it’s practically rock-hard, with no “give” to make insertion easier), and I’d reduce the diameter of the G-spot bump, even just by 0.1" or so. I think that would make all the difference for women with wimpy orifices like myself.

Other times that I’ve struggled with fitting a toy inside me, I wanted to work up to the challenge, because I felt like it was possible. Adam, for example, initially hurt a little, but its squishiness assured me that I’d be able to handle it if I spent more time on warm-up – and lo and behold, it’s still my favorite dildo for when I get into a “fill me up completely” kind of mood.

With the Jollet, it’s different. The challenge isn’t fun. It doesn’t encourage me to seek out the tricks I’ll need to get it to fit. I just don’t believe it ever will. It hurts like a motherfucker and drains all the arousal out of my pussy in one fell swoop.

It’s such a disappointment, because I really thought I would love the Jollet. Many of my favorite reviewers have raved about theirs. Plus, it’s polka-dotted, and looks so damn cute with my Candy Bullet wedged into the hole in the base. But it just doesn’t work for me.

I’m going to aim to write a follow-up review in a few months, if only because I feel it’s unfair to the toy and its makers for me to write it off based on my current vaginal prowess (practice makes perfect, after all). But for now, I can only recommend this toy for people who already know they’re comfortable taking toys 1.75" and wider, especially firm ones. Small-pussied gals like me will likely come to view the Jollet as an implement of agony.

Thanks to Chavez Dezignz for the opportunity to try out this super-cute toy! You can buy their products on their website or their Etsy shop.

Porn Review: Dylan & Tina

Kate Sloan

I am not normally that into kinky porn. I also don’t particularly get off on people in drag. But when I heard that Dylan Ryan dressed up as her alter-ego Butch Friday to administer a stern spanking and fucking to Tina Horn in a scene for QueerPorn.TV, I had to have it. I bought the “download to keep” version for $16 – and I am someone who practically never pays for porn. (Not that anyone is really a frequent porn purchaser these days…)

The video is set in a BDSM dungeon with bright red walls and plenty of sex furniture. Dylan, dressed not in her usual high-femme garb but instead in a wifebeater, trucker hat, and men’s pants, roughly pulls Tina into the room, and they go right into the action: Tina gets on her knees and begs to blow Dylan’s big black silicone cock.

Dylan is a natural dom. I’ve seen her boss the fuck out of people in other scenes, but never like this. She keeps a cool, confident, quietly commanding demeanor the entire time. And let me tell you, it is hot.

There’s a lot of genderfuckery going on in this scene: Tina calls Dylan “Sir” and Dylan calls Tina “boy.” My pussy didn’t find this particularly exciting, but my mind did: there’s too much proliferation of traditional gender roles in mainstream porn, so what QueerPorn is doing is refreshing.

Tina straddles a black leather bench and Dylan spanks her for a good long time. There is biting, wailing, and scintillating dirty talk. They have natural spanker/spankee chemistry together, which makes sense, given that apparently the idea for this scene was borne from a spanking session they shared at a play party in Toronto.

Tina doesn’t entirely convince me that she’s a total sub. There’s one part, toward the end of the scene, where she’s just been tied up in a sex sling, still wearing her panties, and points this out to Dylan. Dylan says she’ll just cut them off, and Tina whines, “But I like these.” It’s a break in character and momentarily kills the mood for me, because I want to see Tina grovel and submit and instead she complains about wanting to keep her underwear intact. I mean, I get it, but come on. (It’s okay, though, because Dylan just pulls the panties to one side and fucks her like that.)

Dylan, meanwhile, is pitch-perfect. I love her. I think she might be my very favorite porn star, especially after seeing this. She’s just so real. Even when Tina is fellating her dildo, Dylan reacts as if she’s actually getting the best blowjob ever. It’s fucking sexy.

You get a lot of bang for your buck when you buy this scene. Gender play, dominance and submission, spanking, slapping, flogging, oral, fingering, bondage, fucking, orgasm denial. There’s a great payoff at the end when Tina comes on Dylan’s cock twice (real orgasms with added clitoral stimulation, I might add), and then Dylan just leaves her hanging in the sling.

Seriously, this is what alt porn is all about: the celebration of diverse identities and authentic pleasure. You MUST get this scene if you like BDSM, girl-on-girl sex, Dylan Ryan, genderfucking, or all of the above.

I’m Dating a Demisexual!

Kate Sloan

Have you ever heard of demisexuality?

It’s okay if you haven’t. I hadn’t either, until I read a post on a friend’s blog, a response to a woman who had recently come out to her mother as being demisexual (i.e. she doesn’t experience sexual attractions to people unless she already has a strong emotional bond with them).

The argument against this woman (which I do not necessarily agree with – I’m still not entirely sure) was twofold:

1. You should not use LGBT terminology like “coming out” to apply to an identity that is not nearly as oppressed or disadvantaged as LGBT identities are.

2. You should not regard demisexuality as a legitimate identity, because it’s just a way to slut-shame women who don’t need to be emotionally connected to someone to have sex with them.

Initially, as a queer and sex-loving woman, I thought, “Yeah! Stop appropriating our terms and making other folks feel shitty for enjoying loveless sex!”

And then my boyfriend told me he believed himself to be demisexual.

Obviously, this required me to re-examine my beliefs about this orientation. And I realized what I always end up realizing when I initially reject someone’s self-professed labels: We each get to choose how we identify, and it’s no one else’s place to dispute that.

The thing is, there are people who genuinely aren’t sexually interested in folks until they know them a lot better (or, to quote Ewan McGregor’s character in the movie Down With Love, “all the way better”). It’s not intended to slut-shame on any level; it’s not a case of sexual elitism or puritanical ethics; it’s just the way their brains work. And if they feel like they want to use terminology like “coming out” to describe their experiences, we should allow them to do so… provided they are willing to accept the fact that they are (assuming they’re also straight) inherently privileged and not oppressed to nearly the same degree that LGBT people are.

Look, no one’s going to call you a freak for wanting to wait until you know someone better to have sex with them – no one, at least, who isn’t either totally stupid or totally joking. No one’s going to try to strip you of your basic human rights for being sexually choosy. So yeah, it’s probably going to piss some people off if you try to group yourself in with other non-standard sexual identities like gay or asexual or even kinky. That’s something you basically have to be willing to deal with if you want to proudly identify as demisexual.

As for the practicalities of dating someone who’s demisexual, here’s what I can tell you:

1. When we’re out and about together – walking down the street, getting drinks at a bar, whatever – I will occasionally see people that I find attractive. People who, if I were single, I might flirt with. People who seem cute and fuckable to me. By contrast, this never happens to my boyfriend. Literally never. If I point out some girl and say, “Wow, look at that foxy lady,” my man might acknowledge that said woman is pretty or is wearing a nice outfit, but he will express ambivalence on the topic of whether or not she is sexy or whether he would “do” her. I find this a bit vexing.

2. Recently I told my boyfriend that I sometimes wished our relationship was closer to “monogamish” than monogamous – that I would feel happier within our relationship if I were able to kiss and flirt with other people on occasion. While he was okay with this, and readily agreed to this “rule change” in our relationship, he could not fathom feeling how I felt. He could not identify with my need for the excitement of pursuing, and being pursued by, other people. I tried to explain it to him, but he couldn’t really get his head around it.

3. He is much more interested in emotionally-based sex than I am. I’m not sure if this is because he’s demisexual, or just because he’s a gentle, sensitive kind of guy (or maybe they’re related?), but it’s very noticeable. Sometimes I joke that, in some ways, he’s “the girl” in parts of our sexual union, because if he had it his way, I think we would always have slow sex in missionary position. I, on the other hand, would be happy to have hard, fast, doggie-style sex almost every time. We both enjoy having sex both ways (and other ways too), but it’s clear that we each have our favorite way, and they differ.

I believe strongly that the universe delivered me exactly the kind of lover that I was yearning for in the months before I met him. My previous boyfriend had exhibited signs of possibly being very bad at monogamy, and so I felt an acute desire to be with someone who had eyes only for me. So of course, I ended up with a demisexual – someone who can be hit on by a random hot person and have no interest in them whatsoever. I find it amazing how this worked out.

This is a huge topic, one I have a lot of interest in and haven’t yet formulated strong opinions on. So I have to ask you, readers: What’s your take on demisexuality? Do you think it’s a legitimate identity? Are you at all offended by it? Do you know any demisexuals? Tell me all about it!