Review: Magic Wand Mini

Kate Sloan

The Magic Wand franchise turns 54 this month. Yep! Can you believe it? In 1968, around this time, a vibrator was being launched that no one knew was going to change the world. In fact, it seems that no one knew it was even a vibrator; for decades after its launch, the toy’s makers, Hitachi, still insisted it was merely a “body massager.”

Brief primer on Hitachi Magic Wand history (which someone should really pay me to write a book about one of these days – don’t think I haven’t pitched it!): While officially billed as a non-sexual device, the Magic Wand’s popularity for pleasure first picked up steam in the late great Betty Dodson’s legendary masturbation workshops, so I’ve been told. The story goes (and I believe it to be true) that she would hand out wands to each workshop participant when the time came, and that many of them had their lives changed in an instant by their first taste of genital vibration. In the years since, the Magic Wand has gained nicknames like “the Cadillac of vibrators,” has showed up in countless porn videos (especially those featuring queer performers), and has become one of the most instantly recognizable vibrators in the world.

There was some drama around 2015 when Hitachi almost pulled the plug (so to speak) on producing the wand anymore. I don’t know why for certain, but I’ve been told by sources in the know that the company is relatively conservative and didn’t like having their name associated with a world-famous sex toy. An American sex toy distributor called Vibratex, then best known for their Rabbit Habit vibrator which was featured in a memorable episode of Sex & the City, stepped in and offered to take over marketing and distribution of the wand. They also overhauled the mechanics, making the toy safer (it had previously been known to overheat or even burst into flames) and adding a rechargeable version to the lineup but otherwise leaving it as close to the original as possible. As far as I’m aware, still to this day, the wand is physically produced by Hitachi but officially it is a Vibratex product.

(If you’re wondering why I know all this, it’s because in my last year of journalism school, they let me spend a semester writing a feature story on anything I wanted, and I wrote it on the Magic Wand. In the process, I interviewed, among other people, Vibratex’s VP and several people who had owned multiple wands, having immediately bought a new one when their old one died. Some interviewees even allowed me to sit in on real-life sex or masturbation sessions where they used their wands; I sat in the corner fully clothed with a notebook and pen, rapt. Truly don’t know why my professors let me do this but hey, it led me here.)

Anyway, I bring this up because there’s a new member of the Magic Wand family: the Magic Wand Mini. And it’s fucking ADORABLE.

Before we get into pros and cons, let’s briefly go over the basic differences between the Mini and the other versions, so we know what we’re talking about here.

  • The Magic Wand Mini is rechargeable, like the Magic Wand Rechargeable. It does not plug into the wall like the Magic Wand Original or Magic Wand Plus (except when it’s charging, obviously).
  • The original wand is around 12″ long; the Mini is only 9.6″ long.
  • Of course, it’s also lighter – 9.7 oz, which is less than half of what the other wands weigh.
  • The Magic Wand Mini’s head is made of silicone, like that of the Magic Wand Rechargeable and Magic Wand Plus – as opposed to being made of porous vinyl (which is a health hazard and also just gross), like that of the Magic Wand Original.
  • The Mini uses a different charger than the Magic Wand Rechargeable.
  • The Mini does not have vibration patterns, as the Magic Wand Rechargeable does – it only has steady speeds.
  • The Mini has 3 different vibration speeds, as opposed to the Original which has 2, and the Rechargeable and Plus, which both have 4.
  • Unlike the Rechargeable, the Mini cannot be used while it’s charging – so if your wand dies mid-session, you’re out of luck. It has battery life indicators though.

Okay, now let’s talk about what I actually think of this vibrator, shall we?

 

Things I like about this vibrator

  • First of all, I have to commend Vibratex for keeping the exact same aesthetic and basic proportions as the original wand, just in miniaturized form. I truly cannot overstate how cute this toy is. It’s like if someone made a Magic Wand for a doll. (Uhhh, that actually sounds like a very kinky dollification scene I need to do, like, yesterday.) It might not have quite the same appeal if you’ve never seen an original Magic Wand in person, but every sex toy nerd to whom I’ve showed this toy has shouted “IT’S SO CUUUUUTE!!” because it really fucking is.
  • The first speed of this toy rules. Vibratex should be very proud of this speed; as far as vibration speeds go, it is primo. It’s got a lot of rumble to it, and is strong enough to get me off easily on an average day, provided I use it in ways that work for me (more on that below). There are very few vibrators that can comfortably make me come on their lowest speed; one of the only other ones is the Magic Wand Rechargeable. So, at least on this one speed, Vibratex has succeeded in evoking a full-size wand experience in a smaller package. The rumbliness is such that I can definitely feel it in my internal clit, whether I’m holding it on the external part or even just my outer labia. This leads to orgasms every bit as intense – and almost as reliable and easy to achieve – as those I expect from other Magic Wands. I should note here, though, that I’m not a person who commonly uses wildly strong vibrators on high settings to get off. I think diehard fans of true power would be vastly disappointed by this toy (more on that in the “things I dislike” section).
  • One of my fundamental problems with full-size Magic Wands is that they cause some temporary numbness if I leave them in one place for a while. I prefer to move them around my vulva, staying in one spot for a minute or two and then packing up and moving on like a circus runaway. Granted, this is true of most vibrators, but it becomes more obvious with big wands because they’re so heavy that moving them around becomes a chore. But the Magic Wand Mini is much more nimble, and it makes a noticeable difference: I can move it around my inner and outer labia, come at my clit from various different angles, use it to stimulate my vaginal opening or perineum, etc. and my arm doesn’t get tired. As a person with chronic pain and strength issues in my hands/arms, I really appreciate that the wand is less than half the weight of the original.
  • When I use a regular-size Magic Wand, I usually tilt it so that only the corner/edge of the head is against my bits. This is because I like more pinpointed clit stimulation than the full width of the head can offer. The Magic Wand Mini is sufficiently small that I don’t really have to do this, and can target specific areas of my vulva as needed.
  • The smaller form factor would also make this toy better for using during PIV, I suspect. (Tragically, I cannot find out at the moment because my partner is 500 miles away from me.) I do notice that the vibrations are slightly dampened when pressure is applied to the head of the toy – which, incidentally, may also be an issue for people who like to push vibrators very firmly against their body – but it’s not so much as to cause problems for me. I’d still be likelier to use this in rear-entry positions, though, because wands – however petite and adorable – are just not well-suited for missionary.
  • Speaking of my partner being 500 miles away from me – I do a fair amount of travel (or did, when there wasn’t a pandemic happening), so I appreciate a wand I can comfortably fit in a purse or small suitcase. I think this would be a terrific vibe for hotel sex.
  • The buttons are super intuitive. There’s a power button and “plus” and “minus” buttons, which all do what you’d expect them to do. They make a satisfying click when pressed, but require just enough force to do so that I never press one accidentally. Kudos, Vibratex.
  • There’s some flexibility in the neck, similar to the amount offered by the Rechargeable. I’d still be worried I’d break it if I bent it too far, but it flexes enough to be comfortable when you’re applying pressure. This isn’t super important to me because I don’t apply much pressure when I use vibrators, but I know a lot of people feel strongly about this.

Things I don’t like about this vibrator

  • It has to be said: the vibrations are not as powerful or as rumbly as you may be used to if you’re a Magic Wand fan. The first setting is excellent, but the other two are pretty disappointingly buzzy – so, even though they supposedly have the same RPM (revolutions per minute) as the original wand, they just don’t feel as impactful and can cause temporary numbness. I think this probably has a lot to do with the smaller size of the toy, not just the motor.
  • Like all the Magic Wands, it’s kind of loud. It’s certainly quieter than the high settings of any other Magic Wand, but it has a shrillness to its tone that makes the noise seem louder somehow, even if, decibels-wise, it’s not. I don’t like using this vibe late at night, for example, lest it disturb my roommate… through a wall. (I have anxiety and some past trauma around being punished for being disruptively noisy, though, so take this with a big ol’ grain of salt.)
  • This wand won’t work with most classic Magic Wand accessories/attachments, because of its smaller size. Some companies do make attachments for smaller wands, though. Those made for the Le Wand Petite or the Mystic Wand, for example, should fit the Magic Wand Mini, albeit maybe slightly tightly or loosely.
  • I miss being able to use the toy while it’s charging, like you can with the Magic Wand Rechargeable.

 

Final thoughts

I’ve tried a bunch of smaller wands – including the buzzy-AF Le Wand Petite and the gorgeous Bodywand Midnight – and the Magic Wand Mini certainly ranks as one of the best. Vibratex and Hitachi clearly both care about vibration quality and have tried to make a smaller toy that still does the Magic Wand name proud, by prioritizing motor quality and strength above any extraneous bells and whistles.

It just seems that the smaller size and lighter weight of the Mini make its vibrations feel too buzzy on the higher end of the speed spectrum. I might use one of those two higher speeds as a “finisher” – there are times when it takes a dash of buzz to push me over the edge – but the first speed is really the only one that satisfies me in the way that Magic Wands usually do. It’s a damn good speed, but it wouldn’t be strong enough for true power aficionados, who’d be better off sticking with full-size wands.

I would pick up the Magic Wand Mini instead of a larger wand if I was having a pain flare-up or just feeling lazy, because it’s much easier to maneuver around my vulva. I’d also reach for it if I wanted a wand to use during penetrative sex. I would not, however, use it if I was craving a lot of power or a lot of rumble – the Magic Wand Rechargeable is still king for that. But, I mean, look at this cute little wand. It’s doing its best. And I think its best is pretty decent.

 

Thanks to LuxuryVibrators.ca for sending me this product to review! This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Bubblefunny Bubble Flower Beauty

Kate Sloan

As a big fan of receiving cunnilingus (what a great way to start a blog post), I have tried many an oral sex simulator in my time.

They have licked and flapped and sucked, some skilfully, some less so. But I never give up hope that the next one will be the one that really does feel like getting head from a talented and enthusiastic lover. It hasn’t happened yet, but hey, tomorrow is a new day.

That said, this latest addition to my collection of cunnilingus simulators – the Bubblefunny Bubble Flower Beauty – actually surprised me with how close it got to feeling like the real thing.

(There’s a coupon code at the end of this post incase you want to buy your own, FYI!)

 

What is the Bubble Flower Beauty and what does it do?

The whimsically-named Bubble Flower Beauty is a dual-stimulation toy: there’s a mechanized silicone tongue on one end, and a phallus on the other end that thrusts and vibrates; between the two is a flexible silicone cord.

Bubblefunny recommends various different uses for it, including slipping the thruster into your vag while the tongue teases your butthole, but I think the main usage the toy designers had in mind was probably having the tongue stimulate the user’s clit while the thruster pleasures their G-spot. (That’s the only way I chose to test this toy, anyway. I’ve got nothing against rimjobs, I just didn’t want one from a robot.)

 

Things I like about this toy:

  • Firstly and most importantly, I actually love the tongue. It’s made of soft silicone with just enough flexibility to feel comfortable and just enough firmness to feel impactful. (Cunnilinguists-in-training, take note.) I won’t say it feels like a real human’s tongue, both texturally and size-wise, but it is in that general neighborhood of sensations. It starts at a pretty fast speed – like, way faster than any partner of mine would ever start licking me – but it slows down slightly with pressure, which I found actually felt better for me.
  • The design of the toy allows you to move the tongue around your clit while you’re using it, so you can stimulate the tip, the sides, the hood, etc. as your whims dictate. I strongly prefer indirect clitoral stimulation, so I love being able to switch up the toy’s location, turn it upside-down, and so on, to get the type of stimulation I’m craving. In some ways, I think that more advanced cunnilingus simulators have failed by trying to replicate the dynamic motions of a human; being able to hit the exact right spots yourself, exactly when you need to, can be better than having a machine try to guess where they are.
  • The orgasms actually remind me a lot of the orgasms I have from real oral sex. There’s a similar slow build, and a similar sense of teetering on the precipice of coming for longer than usual before going over the edge. However, as with real cunnilingus, I find that this toy works best if I maximize my sensitivity before I use it, by taking a break from vibrators and/or orgasms for at least a day, shaving my pubes, holding my outer labia open, smoking weed, or some combination thereof. It’s not quite enough to get me off if I’ve had an orgasm recently or if I’ve used strong vibes in the past day or so.
  • Although there are only three steady speeds (more on that below), the tongue’s motions do get noticeably faster and harder when I click up to the next speed.
  • This toy is waterproof! Hooray!
  • It comes with a cute black velvet storage bag that doesn’t shed lint all over the toy, like cheap storage bags tend to do. Nice touch.

 

Things I don’t like about this toy:

  • The tongue often doesn’t quite feel powerful enough to get me off, especially since it slows down when pressure is applied to it. I find that I always have to either thrust against the toy or rub it up and down or in circles against my clit, or I won’t be able to get off. That said, sometimes I thrust my hips during actual cunnilingus for the same reason, so maybe it’s just authentic like that.
  • Both the tongue and the thruster only have three steady speeds, followed by seven patterns. As someone who uses steady speeds almost exclusively, I find this disappointing. And sometimes orgasm-ruining, if I hit a button by accident while already on the third steady speed.
  • Speaking of buttons, there are only two of them. Two is better than one in this case, certainly, but it’d be really great if it had four: an “increase intensity” button and a “decrease intensity” button for each part of the toy. I hate having to cycle through all the patterns to get back to the speed I was using before.
  • My preferred way to use the tongue is upside-down, because that way it’s licking downward on my clitoral hood, rather than flicking upward against the hypersensitive head of my clit. However, when used this way, the buttons are on the opposite side of the toy from you, which makes it tricky to hit the right one in the heat of the moment.
  • The thruster tends to slip out of me during use, especially if things are especially lubed-up down there. I would actually recommend using less lube than you normally would, or perhaps even none at all, on the thruster part of the toy, to give it a better shot at staying inside you.
  • The cord is just slightly too short (for my anatomy, anyway), so I often find myself accidentally tugging the thruster out of my vag while I’m adjusting the tongue.
  • The vibration of the thruster is pretty damn buzzy. I actually think I’d like the thruster better if it was just thrusting and not vibrating, since the buzzy-as-fuck vibration kind of mutes the sensation of thrusting. But you can’t separate the two in this toy; they’re a package deal.
  • So far as I can tell, once you’ve activated either part of the toy, there’s no way to turn it off without turning off the whole toy, which takes a few seconds. So, for example, if you decided mid-session that you wanted to shut off the thruster and just focus on the tongue, there would be no quick and easy way to do that.
  • You have to put a fuckton of lube on your vulva before you use the tongue, or it’ll feel like receiving head from a Tinder boy who’s baffled by vulvas and has a dry mouth from smoking too much weed. (Can neither confirm nor deny that this has happened to me.) When testing this toy, I’ve mostly used a coconut oil-based lube I’ve been loving lately, and I actually think natural oil-based lubes (if you’re not too prone to getting infections from them) are the best pick for this type of toy, because they won’t react poorly with silicone toys like silicone-based lubes do, and they won’t dry up every few minutes like water-based lubes do.
  • The product page says that this toy sucks and licks, but there is no sucking to speak of. I tried pressing the toy firmly enough against my vulva that it would have created a seal if any suction was indeed happening, and all it did was slow down the tongue enormously.

 

Final thoughts:

I know I had a lot of critical things to say about the Bubblefunny Bubble Flower Beauty, but it actually is one of the better oral sex simulators I’ve tried. It gets me off (usually), and the orgasms feel, if not as good as those that happen in my partner’s mouth, at least somewhere in that direction.

I wish the thruster portion of the toy had been executed better – it feels like an afterthought, with its buzzy vibrations and tendency to shimmy out of my vagina – but the tongue part of this toy is really the star of the show anyway. I would happily use a version of this toy that was just the tongue. Sometimes you just need a little oral action, and head from a silicone gadget is better than no head at all.

 

Thanks to Bubblefunny for sending me this toy to review! You can use the code “GJ20” to get 20% off anything on their website. Maybe you want a wand vibrator shaped like a person? Or perhaps a clitoral stimulator that looks like a moon? This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 4 of 12

Kate Sloan

Song 14/52: “I’m Choosing Me”

Lyrics:

Always leaving me on read
Makes me wish that I was dead
That isn’t love, or so I hear
Love should not be everything you fear

I’m a moth and you’re the flame
Mixing signals, that’s your game
Why do you make me feel so sad?
It’s scary that your love can hurt this bad

Chorus:
I’ve had enough, so I guess I’ll go
Thought this was love, but I didn’t know
That you’re not who I thought you’d be
There’s a lot I could not foresee
And I’m choosing me

I gotta put my feelings first
You never do, ’cause you’re the worst
Figured out why I’ve been so blue
Here’s a little clue: it’s ’cause of you

(repeat chorus)

Here’s to all the ladies dating dudes who make them feel like shit
Here’s to anybody who decides they’ve had enough of it
Here’s to grit and guts and hearts that hustle
Self-esteem is just a muscle
You can get stronger if you try
But first, you gotta dump the fucking guy

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

If you’re a songwriter, it’s really smart and helpful to use some kind of voice memo app that’s specifically for song drafts, bits and pieces of melody, etc. The one I use is called Voice Record Pro and was recommended to us in journalism school because you have a lot of granular control over the recording settings. I use it to store any and all musical ideas, and I also usually record each section of every song as I’m writing it, so that (for example) I don’t forget the verse melody by the time I get to the bridge.

I had one day left in the week to write a song, and set aside an evening in which to do it. Nothing new was coming to me after a while of trying, so I pulled up some of my old recordings to see if there was anything I could salvage. I came across a tiny fragment that ended up becoming the first half of the first verse of this song (“always leaving me on read… love should not be everything you fear”). I think I had originally envisioned those lines as being part of a sad, mopey song about dating fuckboys who disrespect you, but I was in a bit more of a cheerful, triumphant mood on the day that I wrote the rest of the song, so it ended up being much more positive in tone and style.

“Choosing oneself” was an idea I’d been pondering since seeing it come up in the show Love is Blind (which I wrote a song about the previous week). When I reached the bridge, I realized I wanted it to provide comfort and advice to people who are dating jerks. I wrote the advice I wish I’d gotten back when I was in that situation.

Song 15/52: “At the Wedding”

Lyrics:

Really need to wash my filthy bedding
Clearly I’m depressed and something’s missing
Today I’m seeing April at her best friend’s wedding
It’s always weird to see her just existing

It’s not that we’re not on good terms
I think we’ve both lived and we learned
But still, I’m just a little bit concerned

When I dug this suit out from my closet
It’s ’cause I knew the grey one was her fave
I wanted her to blush and I wanted to cause it
I know that that’s a creepy thing to crave

She always looked perfect in pink
I think I’ve had too much to drink
I’m tired of feeling; I don’t wanna think

I guess that’s her new boyfriend
Cemented by her side
I hope he knows he’s lucky
I hope he’s filled with pride

And if she catches the bouquet
I know she’ll make a beautiful bride one day

When I saw them twirling by the band
I wished that it was me holding her hand
But I had my chance
So I watched them dance
I should’ve kept her happy like I’d planned
I wish I’d kept her happy like I’d planned

 

Songwriting diary:

This song was heavily inspired by the Andy Shauf song “Jeremy’s Wedding,” which I listened to obsessively on loop when it first came out. It’s a song about seeing your ex at the wedding of a mutual friend, and how sad and awkward that can be. (I also once briefly dated a guy who was, at the time, about to attend a wedding that his very recent ex was going to be at. He bought a very expensive suit and sent me photos of it, which was weird because he had clearly bought it moreso to impress her than to impress me. But I digress.) Andy Shauf’s version is a bit more hopeful – the protagonist and the ex are friendly, smoke a joint together, and have some fun on the dance floor – and originally I had written my song to have some more interaction with the ex in it (e.g. the protagonist was seated at her table at the reception) but I ended up deciding to make it more of a tragic story where he probably never even talks to her all night.

I wrote this song on my baritone ukulele, but the rhythm was really odd for the uke and I kept hearing the song in my head as having more of an ’80s-’90s high school prom type of sound. (This was, in itself, probably inspired by another Andy Shauf song, “Martha Sways,” which always has the vibe to me of something you’d slowdance to if you and your sweetie were the last people on the dance floor at 2 a.m. at a sad prom.) I had been watching all these videos on YouTube of songwriters making music with midi keyboards and laptops, and realized how much I’d missed doing music production and incorporating multiple “instruments,” the way I did on my self-produced album Know It All in 2015. So I bought myself a Novation Launchkey Mini (it is sooooo cute and small!!) and spent several hours piecing together an arrangement for this song in GarageBand that included synths, bass, drums, clapping, electric piano, vibraphone, flute, and hammered wood. It really elevated the song to a different level, to the point that I had sort of disliked the song before I arranged it, but after finishing the arrangement, I felt like it was really fun and sad and a pretty solid song.

Song 16/52: “Call Me Back”

Lyrics:

Ignoring me goes poorly when I’m lonely in the morning
I pour a coffee, pore over my phone
Your phoniness is surely just a sore and sour warning
Your hollowness has left me all alone

Chorus:
Will you call me back?
I’m bending over backwards
When you call me back
I swear that I will answer
Wish you’d call me back, but
Maybe you’ve been hacked, or
Did you never really care at all?
God, I really wish that you would call

I’m reading all these books, and I think you might be avoidant
Not trying to point fingers or lay blame
But honestly, it’s hard for me; I don’t think I enjoy it
It always ends up more-or-less the same

(repeat chorus)

Should I turn my phone off?
Should I block your number?
You’ve already flown off
Wish I wouldn’t wonder:

How hard is it to punch in digits?
I know it’s sad, but I’m counting down the minutes

(repeat chorus)

Why’d I ever think that you would call?
It would be so nice if you would call
God, I really wish that you would call

 

Songwriting diary:

I actually wrote this song on the same day as last week’s. It’s funny going back into my voice memos from days when I was hopping around wildly between multiple different songs, but it also makes sense to me – sometimes you just take a song as far as it can go that day, and you have to give your brain some time to work on the puzzle of the song in the background.

I built this whole song from one line that popped into my head, “Ignoring me goes poorly when I’m lonely in the morning.” I was walking around one morning making instant coffee and feeling kind of lonely, and I liked the sonic weirdness of all those internal rhymes packed close together. It had the vibe of an anxious person who’s been rehearsing her argument all night long and is now faced with the task of explaining to her avoidantly attached partner why the avoidant behavior is stressing her out. I continued to include a lot of internal rhymes throughout the rest of the song too, as well as overwrought alliteration, trying to follow the “clues” laid out for me in that first line that inspiration struck me with (this is what Dar Williams calls “listening for the Voice of the song” in her book How to Write a Song That Matters).

I set this song aside for a while after it was finished because I really didn’t like the second verse I’d written for it originally (“I’m reading all these books and I think you might be avoidant/ Also I am anxious but we knew that/ Insecure attachment always pours in like a poison/ I guess I never knew that it could do that“). But in the days that followed, I found myself humming the chorus of this song a lot, so I decided it was good enough to be worth salvaging, and rewrote the second verse. I also made some tweaks to the chorus so that there would be 3 “W” words at the starts of prominent lines (“will/ when/ wish“) because I thought that’d give it a more powerfully plaintive sound.

Song 17/52: “Dreamgirl”

Lyrics:

It’s lonely to be in love
When even your best friend doesn’t know
It’s lonely to be alone
But that’s the way it goes

You say you’re missing your ex from Texas
You say he just understood you
I can’t help wondering how good the sex was
Wish I could show you what I could do

But I can’t begin to rock your world
When I’m not even brave enough to say:
You’re my dreamgirl
You’re my dream, girl

When you say that you’re looking for love
Why am I not a contender?
I guess it’d be awkward as hell
And a forever friendship-ender

You say on Monday, you had a fun date
But by Tuesday, he’d blocked your number
I think that clown is clearly insane
I say, “Wow, damn – that’s a bummer”

I can’t protect you from the world
When I’m not even brave enough to say:
You’re my dreamgirl
You’re my dream, girl

Don’t you know I adore you
More than you could ever know?
I think there’s more to explore here
No fear
Let’s give it a go
We’ll take it slow

I can’t admit that you’re my world
I’m still not even brave enough to say:
You’re my dreamgirl
You’re my dream, girl

 

Songwriting diary:

I had already written a whole other song that day (which eventually turned into the following week’s song) but decided to continue. I was messing around on my midi keyboard and started improvising over top, and sang, “It’s lonely to be in love/ When nobody knows/ It’s lonely to be alone/ But that’s the way it goes.” I liked it and immediately connected it to an unrequited love plotline in the TV show I’m watching a lot these days, Superstore. So this song ended up being a mix of the perspective of a character who’s in love with his already-married friend, and my own perspective when, several years ago, I was in love with someone who only saw me as a friend and would often confuse me by using me as a sounding board for his romantic problems.

The chorus (“I can’t protect you from the world…”) also came to me while I was improvising, and I liked the idea of making it slightly different every time (“I can’t begin to rock your world,” “I can’t admit that you’re my world”) to emphasize all the different facets of unrequited love. It can bring up feelings of romantic longing, sure, but also sexual desire, competitiveness, shame, judgment (including self-judgment), and more, and I wanted to get that all in there.

Originally I had the idea that I wanted all the verses to alternate between lines that started with “I think…” and “I say…” to tell a story of unrequited love through the ways we censor our true thoughts and feelings when we know they aren’t mutual. It’s a cool concept and I might use it somewhere else, but in this song, it only ended up surviving as the part in the second verse where the love interest tells the protagonist about getting ghosted and his outward reaction is different from his internal one.

As occasionally happens, the bridge (“Don’t you know I adore you…”) popped into my head pretty much fully-formed, and I had to scramble to get it recorded before I forgot it. After finishing the song, I did a lot of lyric editing, moving stuff around so the story would progress in a way that was easier to follow. Considered changing the “Texas/ sex was” rhyme because I’ve somehow already used that in a song before, but by that time I had grown to love the lilty weirdness of the phrase “your ex from Texas” so it felt too settled to change it.

Song 18/52: “Does He Know?”

Lyrics:

You’re not in love; I see it in your eyes
You say you are – you say it, but it’s all just lies
It’s not a rough patch; it’s not the eye of the storm
I wish you had a better love to keep you warm

But it’s not my place to foster doubt
So I’ll give you space to work it all out

Chorus:
Does he know you don’t love him? Is that even true?
Or have I been misreading the hell out of you?
Are you dropping hints, or are you happy at home?
‘Cause if I am wrong, I’ll leave you alone
Yes, if I am wrong, I’ll leave you alone

They say that marriage vows are meant for life
But what if then a husband isn’t nice to his wife?
They say it’s not my business, and I know that
But I’d be so much better for you – I just wanna show that

I can see close-up the pain you’re in
And if you broke up, it’d be a win-win-win

(repeat chorus)

If this is how I make my move, so be it
I know that we’d be good together, even if you don’t see it
I’ve loved you for a long, long, really long time
I’ve loved you knowing you might never ever be mine

(repeat chorus)

I don’t think I’m wrong, but what do I know?

 

Songwriting diary:

This was a weird one. The melody of the first few lines was the first thing that came to me, and I made a recording of myself just la-la-la-ing it. Later that day, I sat down and fleshed it out into a song based on Jonah’s perspective in the early seasons of Superstore (yes, another one – look, there’s a pandemic going on, not a lot is happening in my actual life to inspire me 😂). When I listened to the demo recording in the days after writing it, I realized that I liked the verses and bridge but the chorus wasn’t working. It had a totally different rhythm and feel than the rest of the song, and it hit my ear weird every time I heard it.

The prechorus of this song (“but it’s not my place to foster doubt…”) kept getting stuck in my head, though, so I thought the song would be worth updating with a completely new chorus. I wanted something catchy that really summed up what this character was thinking and feeling. I was tidying my room while mulling it over, and suddenly started improvising, “Does he know you don’t love him? Is that even true? Or have I been misreading the hell out of you?” It sounded like country music to me, but (as I’ve been learning from the various songwriting books I’m reading) it’s best not to judge or analyze a song you’re writing while you’re writing it, but rather to take an approach of “let’s just see what happens.” If I wasn’t doing a weekly songwriting challenge, I might have stopped at this point, because I’m not a country singer and don’t even really like that genre, but I knew I had to get a song written so I pushed on through.

I liked the alliteration of “Are you dropping hints, or are you happy at home?” so I kept that line exactly the way it came out when I first improvised it. I could hear a twangy E7 chord in my head while I was writing the latter half of the chorus, which worked well because the verses already had an E7 chord in them. It was surprisingly easy to stitch together these disparate bits of music and make them into a cohesive song.

The Lelo Sila is My Favorite Clit Pulsator Toy; the Lelo Sila Cruise is Not

Kate Sloan

I’m enamored with the Lelo Sila. It bears the label of “my favorite clit pulsator toy,” which is a tough label to earn. It’s also earned a spot in the top drawer of my nightstand. I mentioned it in an interview just today, actually, when someone asked me what toys I’ve been loving lately. This luxe stimulator is top-tier, as far as I’m concerned.

But Lelo is a company known for their terrible, gimmicky “innovations,” and in keeping with that, they recently introduced a new version of the Sila called the Sila Cruise. I dislike it so much that I’m not even gonna link to it. Buy the original Sila instead.

What’s so great about the Lelo Sila?

Most clit pulsators – think Womanizers and Satisfyers – focus predominantly on the tip of the clit. The Sila is the only one I’ve found that stimulates my entire external clit: the tip, the shaft, and the hood. This makes it an especially good pick for folks with larger clits and/or transmasculine folks with bottom growth, or just folks who like a roomier fit.

The Sila’s wide, flat “lips” help create a better seal around the clit than almost any other pressure-wave stimulator I’ve tried. They also conduct the Sila’s sensations through the skin and into the buried “legs” of the internal clit.

As a result of all this, the Sila provides more full-bodied clitoral sensations than any other toy I’ve tried of this type. It is a toy that puts all of its focus – and it has a lot of focus – on the clit. So, as a big fan of clitoral stimulation – especially the kinds that go past just the sensitive tip of my clit – I love this toy.

It also has a “rumblier” feel than many other pressure-wave toys, meaning each little airwave feels lower-pitched and more impactful. This significantly reduces any numbness or desensitization I might experience from using a clitoral toy for a while. Its stimulation is so rumbly, and yet so indirect, that I can have multiple orgasms with this toy – not something I’m usually capable of, at least not this easily.

The quality of the orgasms is much improved for me as well, because this toy stimulates much more of my clit than any other pressure-wave toy. Other toys of this type have sometimes given me ruined half-orgasms, or have stimulated me so intensely during orgasm that the experience was more painful than pleasurable; not so with this toy. The Lelo Sila gives me deep, intense, long-lasting, and often quite sudden orgasms that leave me speechless and panting.

What’s the difference between the Sila and the Sila Cruise?

So far as I can tell, the only addition to the Cruise is a “feature” known as Cruise Control. Lelo says that Cruise Control “reserves 20% of SILA™ Cruise’s full power during normal use, so that when SILA™ Cruise is pressed hard against the body and the motor begins to drop power, that extra 20% is unleashed so that there’s no reduction of intensity” before and during your orgasm.

There are… multiple issues with this. One is that I have never personally experienced my Sila slowing down or fading in power from the amount of pressure I’ve applied to it. It’s just not an issue I’ve encountered. So it’s kind of confusing that Lelo went to the trouble of launching a new version of their own toy, to solve a problem that (in my experience, anyway) the toy doesn’t even have.

Another issue is that not everyone wants maximal power right before or during their orgasm, and it’s weird to assume that they would. One of the beautiful things about Lelo toys is that they always have at least 8 different speeds, so they can satisfy a broad range of users, from super-sensitive folks to those who need more stimulation to get them off. The freedom to adjust sex toys to my own preferred intensity at any given moment is key to my pleasure. In fact, I would say it’s a mandatory feature of any vibe I’ll enjoy, and certainly a standard feature to expect on any toy that costs more than $15. Lelo has taken that freedom away from me with the Cruise – as they say, “it’s not a setting, it’s completely automatic,” so I can’t even turn it off and use the Sila Cruise normally without Cruise Control.

The third and most pressing issue I have with Cruise Control is that it doesn’t even do what it’s supposed to do. The boost in intensity doesn’t kick in when I press the toy harder against my body. No, instead it kicks in… whenever the hell it wants to. Often at a moment in my arousal process when I really, really wish my clit stimulator would stay at the exact same intensity so that I can, y’know, continue to feel good and build toward an orgasm, rather than having said orgasm be thwarted by an inconsistent toy.

It’s really a boner-killer when this happens, because the intensity that Cruise Control brings to the table is aggressive, especially if you’re accustomed to a lower speed – so my clit can get overstimulated to the point that a bruisey, ouchy sensation will linger for several minutes afterward. This is antithetical to the gentle, slow build that I appreciated about the original Sila.

The Sila Cruise is $189, whereas the original Lelo Sila is $169. They’re both definitely in the “luxury sex toy” price range, but the Sila Cruise is absolutely not worth that amount of money, because you can’t even control the damn intensity of it. It just jumps around randomly. It might as well be a poorly-wired $6.99 body massager from the Walmart bargain bin for how unreliable it is. I truly have no idea what on earth made Lelo think it was a good idea to not only make this toy but also to charge twenty extra dollars for it.

Final words

If you want full-bodied clitoral sensations that encompass your entire external clit and even stimulate some of the inner portions, you want the Lelo Sila. But you do not want the Lelo Sila Cruise, because you, presumably, do not want your orgasms ruined or your clit pummelled.

The Sila Cruise is not a “new and improved” version of the Sila. If anything, it is a “new and worsened” version of the Sila. It is “new and useless.” It is “new and painful.” It is “new and what the actual fuck.” But it is certainly not “new and improved.”

 

Thanks to Lelo for sending me these products to try! I really do mean it when I say that I love the original Sila and highly recommend it. But don’t get the Cruise. Just don’t.

Busting 5 Common Myths About the G-Spot

Kate Sloan

The G-spot is one of the most misunderstood parts of sexual anatomy, so let’s dive into some of the most common G-spot myths and why they’re total garbage!

 

Myth #1: G-spot stimulation is always pleasurable for everybody who has a G-spot.

Here’s a pro tip when it comes to sex: literally any sentence that begins with “everyone likes…” or “no one likes…” is false. So, although the G-spot is often framed as this holy grail of pleasure for many people with vulvas, it’s important to know that it’s not a magic button that you can just press and expect fireworks.

Many people – including me, at one point – find G-spot stimulation uncomfortable, annoying, or even painful. This doesn’t automatically mean they won’t find penetration pleasurable at all, though; there are other internal erogenous zones worth exploring, such as the A-spot and the posterior fornix.

 

Myth #2: It’ll feel good from the get-go.

I especially need cis men to understand this: please do not start poking ‘n’ stroking the G-spot of someone who is not already turned on, unless you know for a fact that they want you to do so.

Like many other erogenous zones, the G-spot typically responds best to stimulation that happens once you’re already aroused, both physically and mentally. For me personally, it really is the difference between “ow ow ow stop that right now” and “oh my god please never stop.”

Get turned on (or get your partner turned on) using whatever methods reliably work for you. For most vulva-owners, this will involve some amount of clitoral stimulation – and in many cases it can feel good to continue stimulating the clit while you start to touch the G-spot. I would also suggest using a lot of lube and starting slowly, like with just one finger and minimal pressure against the spot, until you’re ready for more.

 

Myth #3: G-spot orgasms are superior to clitoral orgasms.

Remember that time a cis male neurologist from 19th-century Austria theorized that clitoral orgasms were “immature” and that becoming an adult meant getting off from vaginal penetration alone? And remember how this crackpot theory has continued to shape present-day sexual discourse, leading millions of women to feel like they’re broken because their bodies work in completely normal ways? Cool cool cool. Thanks, Freud, that’s super helpful of you. 😬

What we know now, based on modern science (including the practice of, y’know, actually listening to the stories and experiences of people with vulvas, rather than making up psychoanalytic lore about how their genitals are wrong), that the clitoris is the anatomical equivalent of the penis. The two structures literally develop from the same tissues in utero, and share some commonalities, namely: they both provide the majority of sexual pleasure for the majority of people who have them.

While we’re on the subject, let’s clear up a few more misconceptions about G-spot stimulation vs. clitoral stimulation. First of all, you can combine the two, and many people have their best G-spot experiences when the two are paired. Secondly, not everyone can have G-spot orgasms, and there is nothing wrong with you if you can’t. And thirdly, researchers have yet to firmly conclude whether the G-spot is its own structure or is in fact part of the internal clitoral network, but ultimately it doesn’t really matter because it’s still a spot that feels good for many people to touch. Let’s focus less on pedantic semantics and more on pleasure, mmkay?

 

Myth #4: G-spot stimulation always results in squirting, or squirting only happens from G-spot stimulation.

Nope and nope. Not everyone can squirt, either because they just haven’t stumbled upon the right technique to make it happen for them yet, or because they’re simply not set up for it anatomically. (For example, I once heard the porn star Nina Hartley, who used to be a nurse, saying that she believes the reason she can’t squirt is that her urethra is located too close to her vagina, so whatever’s stimulating her G-spot gets in the way of the spray and stops it from coming out.)

If you want to squirt, or to help somebody else squirt, typically the best thing to do is to build a lot of arousal beforehand and then stimulate the G-spot really hard and fast for long enough to induce squirting. The ejaculation itself does not automatically coincide with orgasm; I tend to squirt the most after I’ve orgasmed, for instance.

Some people are able to squirt without G-spot stimulation being involved at all – such as from touching their clit, A-spot, or perineum. This may have something to do with the G-spot’s aforementioned integration in the internal clitoral network.

 

Myth #5: You have to have a big dick to hit the G-spot.

This one really depends on anatomy. I’m not going to lie to you and say that nobody will require a dick to be big in order for it to hit their spot the way they like.

That said, the G-spot is only about 2-3 inches inside the vagina, so you don’t have to have a long dick to hit it – and in fact, I’ve often found that short-to-average-length dicks hit mine the best, because the head of their cock strokes over that spot without much effort on every thrust, whereas longer dicks tend to hit my A-spot instead.

A penis also does not necessarily need to be thick to stimulate the G-spot. Angles that tilt your dick toward the front wall of the vagina can achieve a lot. Not to mention – say it with me now – fingers and sex toys exist! If you’re thinking of your cock as the only sexual tool you have at your disposal, you’re limiting your partner’s pleasure, and your own, a great deal.

 

What G-spot myths have you heard?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Honey Play Box, who are offering Girly Juice readers 20% off all products right now with the coupon code JUICE20. As always, all writing and opinions here are my own.