Realistic vs. Non-Realistic Dildos: Which Should You Get?

Kate Sloan
A Fleshjack dildo cuddling with the Easy A

Is there any type of sex toy as hotly debated as the realistic dildo?

Okay, yes, almost certainly there is. Moral panics arise perennially about people becoming “dependent” on vibrators, there has been much kerfuffle over whether sex dolls are inherently sexist, and “fisting dildos” often inspire medically-uninformed concerns about people’s holes getting stretched out. (That hypothesis is a myth, folks!)

But if we’re talking about the type of sex toy that is most commonly debated, argued over, and fretted about, obviously the answer has got to be the realistic dildo. Many cis men worry that they won’t be able to “compete” with a partner’s dildo if it’s cocklike, especially if it’s larger than their actual dick. Many lesbians have had their sexual identity questioned or dismissed if they use/like realistic dildos, despite the facts that 1) toys are not necessarily reflective of their users’ real-life desires and attractions, and 2) some women have penises so desiring dicks isn’t inherently un-sapphic at all. Straight men who use realistic dildos may be misidentified as gay or bi, because (again) many people falsely equate choice of toy with sexual orientation. Using a realistic dildo can be a clusterfuck in more ways than one!

Given all this fervent discourse/di(ck)scourse, one might assume that realistic dildos are the only dildos available, but that isn’t the case: many sex toy companies make non-representational dildos, designed to hit those tucked-away erogenous zones or fulfill wild fantasies. Basically, whatever image pops to mind for you when you see the word “dildo,” just be aware that there’s way more out there!

If you’re in the market for a new dildo but having trouble deciding which route to go, fear not – today I’m breaking down the key factors that might lead you to go realistic or non-realistic. Let’s begin this penetrating analysis…

 

Who should get a realistic dildo?

  • Someone who fetishizes dicks or just thinks they’re hot. (Hellooo, it me.)
  • Someone who wants their new strap-on dildo to look like a real dick, whether that’s for gender affirmation reasons or any other reason. I have many trans and nonbinary friends who initially explored their burgeoning Gender Feelings this way, whether or not they were fully aware that’s what they were doing at the time.
  • Someone who wants a dildo that has the comfortable squishiness/flexibility of a flesh-and-blood dick. Granted, not all realistic dildos have this (and some non-realistic ones do, too), but generally, realistic ones are gonna be toward the squishier end of the spectrum and therefore might be comfier for some folks.
  • Someone who finds that the shape of a penis works well for their anatomy. The coronal ridge on a cock can feel great on the G-spot or prostate, for example. Non-realistic toys can be stimulating in all sorts of ways, but if you know you really crave that “mushroom head” shape inside you, a realistic dildo is probably the way to go.
  • Someone who makes porn, does cam shows, etc. While some viewers may want to see you using non-realistic toys, in my experience the vast majority of porn/cam show consumers are cis straight men who want your toys to function as a proxy for their dick. Realistic dildos work well for this, whether you’re kneeling below the camera to shoot a POV blowjob scene, sprawled out on your bed fucking yourself with the toy, or affixing it via suction cup to a wall so you can bounce on it.
  • Someone who is in a long-distance relationship with a penis-possessing person and wants to be able to take sexy photos/videos with a silicone facsimile of their partner’s cock. (Or, alternatively, someone whose partner is transmasculine and might appreciate some gender-affirming custom porn.) If you like to have Zoom/FaceTime/Skype sex, it can also be nice to use toys that actually resemble parts of your partner’s body, so you feel like you’re physically together. If you can’t find a dildo that approximates your sweetie’s dimensions, ask them to make a Clone-a-Willy for you. It’s basically like copying-and-pasting a penis.

 

Who should get a non-realistic dildo?

  • Someone who is squicked out by penises or just doesn’t find them attractive. There’s no shame in admitting this – your sex toys are meant to turn you on, and to make you feel good, not to gross you out! (Unless you’re into being grossed out, that is…)
  • Someone who is threatened by (or has a partner who is threatened by) the thought of incorporating a penis-like toy into their play, and isn’t interested in interrogating or unlearning that reaction. As a reminder: sex toys are tools, not your competition… but I also understand that a lot of us have so much strife to discuss with our therapists these days (should we be lucky enough to have one) that dildo anxiety may not be at the top of your list at the moment!
  • Someone who likes to have specific internal erogenous zones stimulated intensely and specifically. Some non-realistic dildos may have, for example, a severe G-spot/P-spot curve, or a tapered tip that slips nicely into the A-spot. When sex educators say, “Some dildos can do things that dicks simply cannot do,” this is generally what we mean.
  • Someone who likes firm penetration. You can find firm realistic toys, but the body-safe ones tend to be made of silicone, and silicone (like human cocks) can only get so hard. Glass, metal, wood, and ceramic, on the other hand, can fuck you just as firmly as you please.
  • Someone who fantasizes about mythical creatures or sci-fi characters and wants a toy that mirrors what’s inside their head. Do you dream of getting dicked down by a dragon, rendezvousing with a robot, or being manhandled by a manticore? Chances are, there’s a dildo for that!
  • Someone who’s interested in temperature play. Materials like metal, glass, and ceramic hold their temperature better and longer than silicone, so generally you’re gonna find better toys for this purpose in the non-realistic category. Pop your toy into a bowl of cool (not ice-cold) or warm (not piping hot) water for a few minutes before playing, and you’ll experience the pleasures of temp play.
  • Someone who has an appreciation for art and aesthetics. That’s not to say penises can’t be gorgeous (my spouse’s is basically a Rembrandt), but they don’t tend to have the visual pizzazz of an elegant metal dildo or a colorful glass one. Plus you can’t exactly display a veiny dick on your nightstand and call it decor, unless you’re, like, Betty Dodson or Andy Warhol.
  • Someone who plans to post photos of their dildo on social media. (Look, I don’t know your life.) A lot of social media platforms will remove images that their algorithms flag as containing nudity, even if what’s being depicted is actually a silicone cock and not a flesh-and-blood one. You can even get banned for posting naughty pics like this, although non-realistic dildos tend to slip past the censors’ sensors uncensured.

 

Who could be happy with either?

  • Someone who just doesn’t have strong preferences either way, even after reading all of the above info.
  • Someone who wants to practice being penetrated, whether that’s because they plan to have sex for the first time soon and want to be prepared, or they haven’t had sex in a while and want to make sure it’ll be comfy when it happens, or they’re exploring a hole they haven’t had penetrated much or ever. You can get both realistic and non-realistic dildos in a broad range of sizes; it’s up to you whether you’d rather practice on something realistically cock-like or something smoother and simpler.
  • Someone who wants to wield a strap-on but has no strong feelings about what their penile prosthesis should look like. If that’s your situation, it might be best to defer to your partner(s) and get whatever they’d most like to be penetrated by. At the very least, you should take their size preferences into account, and ideally pick something that targets their fave internal erogenous zone.
  • Someone who intends to build a wide-ranging sex toy collection over time. You gotta start somewhere!

 

Do you have a preference for one type of dildo over the other? Why do you think that is?

 

Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! Check out their informational article, “Dildos 101: Everything You Know About Dildos,” for more details. As always, all writing and opinions here are my own.

How I Find Creative Inspiration When Life Becomes Monotonous

Kate Sloan

I’ve been reading a lot of books and articles on songwriting lately as I dive back into it for my 2022 “A Song A Week” challenge, and there’s a pretty fundamental divide between people who think “writer’s block” is a bullshit excuse you give when you just don’t wanna sit and write, and people who think a lack of inspiration is a valid reason for not writing.

I fall on different sides of this debate depending on when you ask me, and what art form we’re talking about (I write nonfiction, fiction, poetry, and songs, all of which have somewhat different needs in terms of inspiration). But for the most part, I believe inspiration is something you can conjure, not necessarily something you have to wait around for, praying and pondering until it “strikes.” The important thing to know is: your life and thoughts aren’t always going to be rife with creative prompts, but that doesn’t mean other people’s lives and thoughts can’t inspire you.

This has been a vital lesson for me throughout my life, but especially when I was essentially trapped inside for extended periods, as with many Canadian winters as a freelancer (including this one, during a pandemic), or when I was so depressed and demotivated that my own life temporarily contained none of the passion and intrigue that would normally inspire me. It’s then that I have to be extra proactive about finding inspiration and incorporating it into my work.

Here are some methods I use, all of which may work better for some art forms than others, but all of which can always stir something inside me, something that might transform into a blog post or an essay or a poem or a song.

 

1. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes

This is so crucial. I’ve been doing this for a long time. When my own romantic life was so barren as a teen that I struggled to find any inspiration for songs, for example, I would watch romantic TV shows or read romantic fanfiction and write from the headspace of a beloved fictional character about their situation.

You can “mind-meld” with a character like this, or with a real person (e.g. “How does Ariana Grande feel about all the Pete Davidson memes popping up everywhere?”), or with a theoretical person (e.g. “How do I think 19th-century sea captains, 20th-century party strippers, or 21st-century high school kids might feel about this pandemic?”). In a way, I think this exercise is really about getting more in touch with your own thoughts through the lens of someone else’s.

 

2. Borrow someone else’s idea

Now, I am not advocating for plagiarism (I’m strongly against it, in fact), but rather for the creative process of incorporating a kernel from someone else’s creation into something of your own.

Sometimes, for example, I try to write new lyrics for a song I already know and love, replicating the rhythm and meter but changing all of the words and what the song is about – and once I have my lyrics, then I can make an entirely new melody for them. I might also use a famous quote as a jumping-off point for an essay (always attributed), write ruminations on topics other writers are better known for, or build on someone else’s argument (again, crediting them as appropriate).

We’re all standing on the shoulders of giants, as the old saying goes – and like the author Austin Kleon argues in his book Steal Like an Artist, repurposing bits and pieces of other people’s work into your own is a time-honored tradition and is actually fundamental to how art functions.

 

3. Work in someone else’s style

In high school I had some friends who were also songwriters. One of them, Kaiya, wrote meandering, esoteric folk-blues songs that I loved, but that were utterly different from my own style, which was plainspoken, quirky, and musical theatre-inspired. At one point, each of us challenged the other to write a song in the other person’s style. In some ways it was difficult – I couldn’t rely on any of my usual tricks or formulas, and had to dig deeper and really think about each and every choice – but in other ways it was easy, because I knew my friend’s musical style so well that I could almost hear her in my head, singing and strumming, showing me where to take the song next.

Still to this day, when I’m feeling uninspired, sometimes I’ll pick up a book by a writer with a distinctive style – anyone from British neurologist Oliver Sacks to hedonistic poetess Rachel Rabbit White – and flip through until I anchor their voice in my mind. And then I’ll start writing, on whatever topic I feel like tackling, channelling my writerly muse all the while. Often I end up making changes in the editing stage, bringing the piece back into the land of me-ness, but sometimes doing an “impression” of another writer is the best way for me to get the gears turning in the first place.

 

4. Revisit the past

Even if nothing much is going on in your life right now, there are always memories you can pull from. For example, I can dependably write about first dates and heartbreaks just about any time, because those memories are so vivid for me, even though it’s been years since either one of those things happened to me.

 

5. Just make stuff up

Look, as long as you’re not trying to pass off fiction as nonfiction, you can make up whatever the hell you want. Sometimes when I want to write about a sexual subject but don’t know how to approach it, I might write a fiction vignette or erotica story, featuring totally invented characters in the very situation I’m pondering. Likewise, when I feel utterly uninspired but want to write a song, I do what people like Regina Spektor do, and just write one about a made-up person’s life/brain/situation.

It might seem like it would be hard to access any real insight or poignancy or authenticity when doing this, but actually I find that creative inventions often act as a prism, helping me see inside my own life and thoughts more clearly, much in the same way that a tarot reading doesn’t necessarily “predict the future” but can help you reflect on your own patterns and associations.

 

Where do you pull inspiration from when you’re stuck?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 Porn Clips I Wish Existed

Kate Sloan
What my computer sees when I’m watching porn

I don’t know, maybe these already do exist. Maybe I just haven’t looked hard enough. It can take hours to stumble across the right search string to locate what you’re looking for, or to search for the perfect webcam performer who can fulfill one’s exact fantasies. Usually I end up just jerking off to whatever I find in the meantime, if it’s any good, even if it’s not the highly specific image I had in my head before my search began.

I know, too, that if I really wanted clips made exactly to my specifications, the best way to do that would be to commission custom clips from porn performers who specialize in whatever fantasies I had in mind. I wish I had the budget to do that more often. But for now, let’s imagine I’m the God of Porn and I can conjure whatever clips I’m craving out of thin air, like a pervy holodeck. What would I want to see?

 

1. Gag-free, facial-free deepthroat blowjob porn

You would think this would be easier to find, but as a longtime BJ porn connoisseur, I can tell you, I often have a tough time sleuthing out these types of clips. So I tend to watch the same reliable performers over and over again – mostly Heather Harmon and Little Oral Andie.

I don’t like gagging. I’ve got nothing against people who are into it, and can even understand why someone might be into it, but it just squicks me out and stops my arousal cold.

I also don’t like facials – not because I have an issue with cum on faces, but because I strongly prefer when oral sex ends with someone orgasming in someone’s mouth, whether I’m the giver, receiver, or spectator in that interaction. I get that facials are popular because they’re demonstrative; they make the cum visible to the viewer, plus many people consider them a hot visual for various kinky reasons. But I just always feel disappointed when a stellar BJ ends in this way; to me, it’s, ironically, anticlimactic.

 

2. Story-driven porn that takes place backstage after opening night

One fantasy my spouse and I share, having been lifelong “theatre kids,” is hooking up on a stage, or near a stage, or behind a stage, or… well, you get the idea.

I don’t think it’s really an exhibitionistic fantasy, at least not for me. In my head, the theatre is always empty except for us. Maybe it’s late one night after a dress rehearsal, or maybe it’s the morning of opening night before anyone else arrives. Maybe I’m the star and I’m fucking the director for clout and bragging rights. Maybe we’re co-stars who kiss on stage every night during our romantic duet but are just beginning to consummate our off-stage chemistry. Maybe I met a hot fan at the stage door one night and invited them in out of the cold. Who knows.

I’d love to see this fantasy played out in porn, though frankly my hopes for its production value and the depth of its plot and characters are probably such that this would be a better notion in my head than on screen. Think, like, Glee if it was about grown-ups doing professional theatre and then also fucking each other. I mean, how great would that be?!

 

3. Sleuthing out a new sweetheart’s hot spots

One of the things that most drew me to Brooklyn Nine-Nine fanfiction, back in the days when I was reading and writing it voraciously, was the fact that most of its main characters are detectives – and I’m suuuuper turned on by someone solving the mystery of my body, hunting for clues about my sexuality, fitting puzzle pieces together to understand my pleasure more deeply.

I’m not saying I want to see detectives in porn, necessarily – ACAB, baby! – but I would like to see an attitude of exploratory curiosity more often. There’s an instructional porn video that Tristan Taormino shot of performers Dylan Ryan and Danny Wylde for the Smitten Kitten once, in which we see Danny and Dylan negotiating what they’re going to do, giving each other feedback on technique in the moment, and locating each other’s erogenous zones through trial and error. I’d love to see more of that kind of thing in porn.

As much as I love and appreciate porn, I think a lot of it presents sex as something that everyone already knows how to do, even with people they’ve never fucked before. That just isn’t the case – even if you’ve had a ton of sex, a new person’s body is still always gonna be a learning experience when you first start trying to please them. I think a lot more people would relish this process if it were represented positively in porn more often!

 

What types of porn would you love to see, that don’t yet exist as far as you’re aware?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

I Wrote a Song that Answers One of the Most Common Sex Questions in the World

Kate Sloan

One of the topics I’ve always cared most about as a sex educator is the importance of clitoral stimulation. Maybe it comes from the many hours I’ve spent trawling the /r/Sex subforum on Reddit, on which you can find at least 3-5 posts per day from either a person with a vagina who can’t reach climax from vaginal intercourse and doesn’t know why, or the cis boyfriend/husband of someone who fits that description complaining that his partner isn’t coming during sex.

It makes me want to scream with frustration sometimes. If a cis man showed up on the forum and wrote, “I’ve never reached orgasm during sex,” and subsequently revealed that no partner had ever touched his penis during sex, nor had it ever occurred to him to touch his own penis during sex, everyone would be like, “WTF, dude? The solution is obvious.” The clitoris is the anatomical equivalent of the penis, so both of these scenarios are equally ridiculous and should be treated as such.

Anyway, lately I’ve been getting back into songwriting, and decided to take a crack at conveying this information through song. Please feel free to share the song with anyone you think needs to hear it! The lyrics are below, incase you want to follow along (or, um, print them out and distribute them to anyone you date in the future so they know what’s up).

I think that I’m bored in bed
Or maybe I’m much too much in my head
I’m loving your kissing
But there’s something missing
I can’t put my finger on it…
Oh yeah!
Touch my clit!

Touch my clit – it would be for my pleasure
Touch my clit, that sensitive treasure
I like how it feels quite a bit
When you’re touching my clit

My friend had a tragic breakup
Her man really needed to wake up
He asked for a rating:
Sex versus masturbating
It led to a miserable split
He should’ve touched her clit!

Touch her clit – it is in your best interest
To treat every clit like a princess
It’s a step you should never (almost never) omit:
Touch their clit!

Just so you understand your callousness
The clit and the dick are analogous
Would you like having your dick ignored
Every time you scored?
Wouldn’t you get bored?
Touch it!
Touch that clit!

And now that you’ve learned basic sex stuff
Here’s even more radical tech stuff:
Toys that vibrate
Are really fucking great
Go pick one up lickety-split
And touch a clit!

Touch that clit, with not many exceptions
You can give them a clitoral erection
Most people like how it feels quite a bit
So touch that clit
Remember to lubricate it
And touch a clit!

4 Hot Roleplays You Can Do At Home

Kate Sloan

Being at home all the time can get pretty monotonous, and that monotony can start to show up in your sex life too. I don’t know about you, but when I think about “shaking things up” sexually, my mind goes to two places: kink, and roleplay. And since I’ve already written a lot about kink on this blog (and in a whole book!), today let’s focus on roleplay.

If you and your partner are stuck at home due to the pandemic and feeling trapped in a sexual rut, I’m here to help. Here are 4 suggestions for roleplays you can do at home – no COVID risk required.

 

First meeting, first hookup

It can be fun to revisit “firsts” with an established partner through the magic of roleplay, especially if things are feeling a little rote lately. Normally I’d recommend you meet up at a bar or restaurant and pretend you’re on a first date, or that you happen to strike up a conversation with a sexy “stranger” at the next table – but since that’s obviously not the safest activity at the moment, you can do a different version at home.

Imagine the two of you have been corresponding on a dating app for weeks, that your chemistry via texting or phone calls has been undeniable, and that both of you are vaxxed, self-isolating, and have recently tested negative. Imagine, then, that the conditions are finally perfect for you to meet in person for the first time, but that you’ve chosen to do so at one of your homes because it’s more secluded. Will you cuddle up on the couch for some “Netflix & chill,” or will you get right to the sexytimes? Will you seduce each other with slow foreplay or will you be so touch-hungry that you jump each other’s bones? No way to know until you try…

 

Massage therapy & sexual healing

Stress has a demonstrable, physiological effect on your ability to get aroused, so it can be really helpful to incorporate relaxing activities into sex, like exploring erotic massage with your partner. Why not combine that with a roleplay to make it extra hot?

I love the fantasy of a massage therapist getting so turned on by my body during a massage that they have to make a move on me… or vice versa: me getting so visibly turned on by their touch that they choose to take the massage in an erotic direction.

Have some pre-warmed massage oil on hand (I like one with a scent for this type of roleplay because it helps recreate the sensual environment of an actual fancy massage parlor), lay down a towel or Liberator Throe before you start to catch any drips, and have at it!

 

Exes reconnecting

Picture this: you have a super hot ex, with whom things ended for reasons that were purely circumstantial (e.g. they had to move across the country for work, or one of you didn’t have the mental and emotional bandwidth for a serious relationship at the time). During the pandemic, that ex reached out, ready to meet up, hang out, and see where things go. And now you’re both vaxxed and recently tested, and they’re sitting on your sofa, looking fixedly at you just the way they did when they were in love with you. What would you do?

I recently did a similar roleplay with my partner and it really helped me connect to feelings of desirability and romantic longing, which are both aphrodisiac emotions for me. Oh, the drama of it all!

 

Marvelous medical play

At some point last year, a hired nurse came to my apartment to swab my nose for a COVID test because I was going to be interviewed for a TV show in-studio soon, and I was surprised by the intimacy of the interaction: inviting a stranger into your home during a pandemic, making stilted small-talk, and sitting with them on the couch while they do a medical procedure on you. I think this could be a great jumping-off point for an at-home medical-play scene if you’re into that.

Obviously, you can make it a bit sexier than a COVID test. Maybe a doctor needs to examine your genitals to make sure they haven’t been affected by the loneliness of the pandemic, and to revitalize them if they have been. Maybe a nurse wants to test how the pandemic has affected your hand-eye coordination… by seeing how well you can get them off with your hands. Maybe a medical professional has the only “vaccine” available for miles and you have to bargain for it with your body. The possibilities are endless!

 

Have you done any roleplays at home during the pandemic? What was your fave?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.