As you might have inferred from the many photos on this blog that feature collars, paddles, cuffs, and so on, I love BDSM accessories so much! They can brighten and broaden your sex life in all sorts of delightful ways.
As someone who often advises folks on upgrading their sex toy collections, I often see the same mistakes being made over and over again. Here are some classic pitfalls to avoid when shopping for new kink toys…
Assuming their partner is on board
I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I saw customers doing this when I worked at sex shops. They would come in, a wicked smile on their face, and ask for my help picking out a bondage kit, or an electrostimulation toy, or wax-play candles… and when I inquired further, they would reveal that they had not discussed this with their partner, but just thought it’d be fun to surprise them with something spicy.
While there certainly are people who would consent to being surprised in this way, the key word there is consent. You can’t know if your partner has any interest in [x kink] if you’ve never discussed it with them. Chat with your person/people before shopping for new sex toys you plan on using together, so you don’t make them feel pressured when you show up unannounced with a scary implement in your hands – or, even better, involve them in the shopping process directly, so you can make decisions that work for both/all of you.
Not knowing the difference between aesthetic novelties and toys made for rough use
There are a lot of BDSM toys out there, and not all are created equal. Some are made durably enough to withstand even intense scenes between kinksters who play hard, while some would be more suitable for scenes where you’re moreso pretending to be restrained, or spanked, or collared, or whatever – scenes where it’s the idea of the act that matters, not the act itself.
For example, I have several different collars; some are mostly for aesthetics, and would tear or warp if someone tugged on them or attached them to a leash, while some are thick and sturdy enough that I can be yanked around by them without damaging the collar. Pay attention to material, quality of construction, price, and whether the company making the toy specializes in kink gear; these can all be indicators of how it’ll hold up under duress.
Ignoring safety in favor of aesthetics
For instance, while many people fetishize the aesthetic of metal handcuffs, they are actually not considered safe for kink usage. (Or presumably for any other usage. ACAB, forever and ever, amen.) They dig into your wrists, especially if secured too tightly, and can cause bruising, cuts, and even permanent nerve damage. Leather bondage toys are much safer, as are fabric ones.
I have also seen such travesties as spanking paddles with sharp edges, butt plugs with an insufficiently flared base, and gags that would make it nearly impossible to breathe if one’s nose became congested mid-scene. Think about potential safety concerns before you make any purchase, and read articles on safety by BDSM experts if you’re not sure.
Eyes too big for your… whatever
I’ll be the first to admit that I have made this mistake: bought dildos and butt plugs too huge for me to possibly use comfortably, thrown cute but mega-stingy paddles into my cart even though I know I dislike stingy pain, eyed spreader bars despite the knowledge that my legs don’t even spread that wide. It’s a normal human impulse to want to push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes, but be conscious of which boundaries can be bent and which are actually limits.
If you get a toy home and discover it doesn’t work for you, some shops will let you return or exchange it. If it’s a non-porous product, you may be able to sanitize it and gift it to a friend or partner who’ll be able to make better use of it.
What mistakes have you made while shopping for kink toys?
This post was sponsored by the folks at Tracy’s Dog, who have recently released some new kink toys! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.
Sleep has always been important to me, but especially so since I became chronically ill. A good night of sleep can be the difference, for me, between a day wracked with pain all over my body, fatigue, moodiness, and brain fog, and a day with minimal symptoms. Along with overall stress reduction, getting good sleep as much as possible has become a high-level priority for me as I adjust to life in a sicker, more susceptible body.
Recently I’ve added some new elements into my sleep routine that have made it much easier for me sleep deeply and stay asleep for most of the night. Here are some of my favorite “sleep accessories”…
A great eye mask
I shout about the benefits of eye masks to anyone who asks. I used to think they were just a silly, frivolous item that rich characters wore in movies to signal their decadent lethargy. But they actually help with sleep issues enormously! Sleep doctors recommend them for decreasing the amount of time it takes for you to fall asleep. I also find that they help me stay asleep for longer; my body and brain seem happiest when I wake up around 10:30–11:00 a.m. each day, but the sun tends to disturb my sleep long before that without an eye mask on.
The Nidra Deep Rest mask is my favorite one I’ve ever tried (and I’ve tried several). It has a Velcro-adjustable strap to account for different head sizes and pressure preferences, it is contoured to prevent light from getting in even if you have a big schnoz like mine, and it has hollow “eye cups” that allow for the natural eye-fluttering movements of REM sleep and put less pressure on your eyes (good for folks who want to avoid wrinkles). They did not pay me in any way to say this; I just genuinely love this product, to the point that I take it with me everywhere I travel so I can ensure I’ll sleep well.
Earplugs
I have lived in the downtown core of a major city for several years, and once had a roommate who would have sex at any hour of the day or night and whose sex noises were louder than any I’d ever heard in my life, even in porn… so, of course I’m familiar with the earplugs lifestyle! (Still very glad I left that apartment. Yeesh.)
On the advice of The Wirecutter (a publication that gives good product recommendations but is famously shitty to its employees, so I shan’t link to them), I recently bought a bunch of Mack’s slim-fit soft foam earplugs, and they’re great. You roll ’em up real small between your fingers, stick ’em in your ear, and they puff back up to their original size in there, creating a mild-to-moderate amount of noise reduction. For me, they don’t work well enough on their own (which is why I use a white noise app, below), but when combined with all this other stuff, they’re excellent.
White noise app
I think I am too traumatized, and my nervous system is too fucked up, for me to sleep as deeply as I used to 😂 I just find, these days, that even small noises can jostle me from dreamland. When earplugs weren’t doing enough, I decided I should add a white noise app into the mix.
There are dozens, if not hundreds, of these on the App Store, so take your pick! On the advice of my spouse, an app developer with an encyclopedic knowledge of the best apps, I decided to pay the $10 CAD that it cost to get the Dark Noise app. I was finding that a lot of the free white noise apps were cluttered with ads, locked their best stuff behind paywalls, or would crash or pause after several consecutive hours of use; I wanted something that would simply work, and Dark Noise is absolutely doing the trick.
The app has a lot of different sounds at the ready, but the track I play every night when I go to sleep these days is “pink noise,” which is white noise but with its higher frequencies reduced, so that it sounds more like a steady, heavy rainfall. I turn this on at a volume loud enough that I can scarcely hear noises happening elsewhere in the apartment, and keep my phone near my bed while it’s charging all night. The noise is so relaxing and unobtrusive that sometimes I wake up in the morning and go, “Wait, huh? Why did the pink noise get turned off?” and then I realize it’s still on, my ears just got so used to it that they basically filtered it out. Magic.
“Smart home” hub and smart bulbs
I’m aware that lots of people have security concerns around anything “smart home”-related, and also that this stuff is too expensive in a lot of cases, which sucks. But I recently decided to treat myself to a HomePod mini and some smart bulbs for all the lights in my room, figuring that it would make my life easier as a chronically fatigued person if I could control the lights and audio in my room with my voice.
It’s been soooo helpful, I can’t even tell you. There are days when my fatigue is so crushingly intense that even picking up my phone from my nightstand feels like too much effort; it’s on those days that I can ask Siri, through the HomePod, to read me my texts, or reply to them, or play my “Energy” playlist to get me moving, or remind me what deadlines are on my calendar, or turn the lights off so I can take a nap, or turn the lights on so I can wake the fuck up. It has revolutionized my life.
I’ve configured many different “scenes” in my Home app – for example, saying “Hey Siri, bisexual” turns the lights pink and blue, while “Hey Siri, I’m doing my makeup” instantly brightens the lamp closest to my makeup area so I can do my face. Some of these have been super helpful in getting to sleep more easily, particularly one called “I’m going to bed.” When I tell Siri that I am indeed going to bed, she turns off all the lights but one, which she makes a rich shade of purple, and then she plays rain sounds on a speaker. This is the perfect setting for those “wind-down” minutes where I’ve gotten into bed and am reading, or taking one last look at my phone, before settling in for the night. At that point I say, “Hey Siri, good night!” and she turns off all the lights and sounds for me.
An amazingly soft pillow
Pillow preference is as personal as sex toy preference; I can’t tell you what will work for you, but I can tell you what works for me and how that relates to my preferences and needs, so you can figure out whether my recommendation will work for you.
I’m usually a side-sleeper, occasionally a back-sleeper. My neck and shoulders get depressingly sore if I sleep on a pillow that’s too flat. I sometimes feel too hot when I sleep and sometimes too cold. I spend a lot of time reading or writing in bed, so I prefer pillows that are suitable for sleep and sitting-up activities.
The Nest Easy Breather pillow (another Wirecutter recommendation) is the best pillow I’ve ever owned. It’s stuffed with shredded foam, so you can remove however much you want to get your desired fluffiness level, but I’ve left all of it in. It’s simultaneously supportive and soft. Can’t recommend it highly enough!
A fantastic wand vibrator
Okay, this one is kind of a joke… but also kind of not! When I’m feeling too sexually agitated to sleep – or just having trouble sleeping – sometimes a quick orgasm is the best solution. And wands are usually the easiest way for me to achieve that.
My all-time favorite is the Magic Wand Rechargeable; lately I’ve also enjoyed the slightly more petite Zalo Kyro. If you want to lean into the nighttime theme, Bodywand makes a glow-in-the-dark wand for some reason. No idea if it’s any good, but at least you could find it in a hurry if you needed to!
Not sure if I have any pictures of me actually being flirted with, but this gleeful face is close enough!
One of the main reasons I’m non-monogamous is that nothing gets me high like flirting. And I say that as someone who does actual drugs on a near-daily basis. 😂
It’s not that flirting can’t or doesn’t happen in long-term relationships – my spouse and I flirt with each other often, and they still make me blush and giggle a LOT even after being together for over four years.
But neurochemically, there is something unique about flirting with someone who hasn’t already declared that they like you enough to be in a relationship with you, or to marry you, or whatever. The phrase “thrill of the chase” comes to mind but I don’t usually think of myself as chasing folks I flirt with; it’s more of a dance. And for me, one of the most fun parts of the dance is the part where you’re pretty sure the person likes you but neither of you have really said as much yet, so there’s a constant frisson of excitement in the air when you’re around them.
Romantic fantasies have been one of my favorite mental dalliances for basically as long as I’ve been alive, and still to this day, they are a coping mechanism for me when I’m dealing with chronic pain, fatigue, demotivation, and other effects of the fibromyalgia and depression I live with. Even when I’m feeling like absolute shit, lying in bed surrounded by pillows, breathing deeply with my eyes closed to try to get through the waves of pain and malaise, I can still picture what it would be like if [x crush] said [x romantic thing] to me – the way they would say it, how their face would look, how I would react – and it reliably makes me feel at least a little bit better.
The following sentences are “daydream porn” for me in this way. Try imagining your biggest unrequited(-so-far) crush saying them to you, in an intimate corner booth of a bar, or at a picnic in the park, or on your living room couch, or wherever. If you start smiling from ear to ear just thinking about it, then maybe you can use these types of fantasies as coping mechanisms during tough times, like I can. (I suppose this post is also a guide for how to flirt with me, but, um… that was not meant to be its initial and primary mission!)
1. “You know that I’m flirting with you, right? Okay, good.”
A few different people have said some version of this to me and it always fills me with glee. I know it can be controversial to talk about flirting in a “meta” way like this, because (for some people) much of the magic of flirting is its uncertainty, its delicate balance of “will they/won’t they?” But since I’m a nervous insecure socially anxious weirdo who spends at least some brainpower during every interaction wondering if the person I’m talking to actually even likes me, it can be incredibly validating to hear from someone’s own mouth that they are indeed flirting with me – that I’m not imagining it, that it isn’t the result of wishful thinking on my part but is actually real.
One time I played some songs at an event, one of which was my song “Addressee,” in which I confess that I often have a hard time interpreting flirtation as flirtation. The boy I was into at the time came up to me after my set, complimented my music, and said, “Just so we’re clear: I am always flirting with you.” It helped me feel safe enough in that dynamic to continue to flirt with him as hard as I had been, and even harder. *chef’s kiss*
2. “I am having a lot of fun flirting with you.”
Along similar lines, this one is lovely because it simultaneously acknowledges that flirting is happening, and affirms that the person is enjoying themselves. (Shout-out to Reid Mihalko, who I think was the first person to introduce me to the idea that meta-communication about flirting while it’s happening can be wildly hot and fun, and also helps clarify consent/comfort or a lack thereof.)
I especially like when this line is thrown out casually as the precursor to something else, so that it feels like a simple descriptor of what is going on, rather than a momentous confession (although, as the below examples will point out, I also find momentous confessions hot; they’re just not always the most socially appropriate thing). Like, for example, sometimes I’ve been talking to someone cute at a party and they’ll say, “Well, I’m having a lot of fun flirting with you, but I need to circulate and say hi to my friends. Can we pick this back up again later?” My cheeks are getting pink just thinking about it!!
3. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”
Throw me into a lake; I need to cool off, because this one is HOTTTT.
When I was actively dating, I always felt like this sentence was the early-dates equivalent of an initial “I love you.” It gave me the same level of “🥰 OMG 🥰” feelings every time a new person said it to me. I think this is partly because I am chronically obsessive when I have a crush on someone, always thinking about them a lot (sometimes more than I would like to!), so it felt wonderfully validating to know that I wasn’t the only one in that boat.
This one is also low-key sexy because there is usually an implication that some of those thoughts have been sexual. I often find myself responding “Oh yeah, like what kinds of thoughts?” before I even realize what I’m saying, because I get so curious. It’s a fantastic opener for a saucy convo about all the sex things you want to do to each other, but it can also be chastely romantic, a confession that the person’s feelings for you have become more than just a momentary interest.
4. “I am extremely attracted to you.”
It still baffles me a little whenever people are attracted to me so I guess I just like to hear it in explicit terms so I can be sure I’m not misinterpreting. It’s not necessary because it is often implied by other things they do or say – I mean, if someone kisses me passionately, or bites their lip when they first see me in the dress I wore to our date, then it’s safe to say they are attracted to me – but it’s still nice to get a clear confirmation one way or the other.
This is a little hard to talk about without sounding unfeminist or shallow or something, but I also find that “I’m attracted to you” can land better for me at times than “You’re so smart” or “You’re so funny,” etc., because if I feel like someone’s attraction to me is predicated entirely on me being smart or funny, then I can start to doubt myself a lot if I ever have a weird brain day around them where I’m not able to be as smart or as funny as I normally would be – like, are they gonna lose their boner for me because I didn’t pick up on their obscure pun before I’d had my coffee?! Obviously it’s still lovely to be complimented on my smarts or humor, but when someone admits that they are holistically attracted to me, it makes it a little easier for me to relax into the knowledge that they’ll continue to like me no matter what I do (within reason).
5. “I think you are hilarious and gorgeous and I was wondering if I could take you out sometime.”
As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect date-ask. I’m not saying no other way of asking me out would get a “yes,” or that no other way would make me feel good. But I do think this is the basic formula of how I’d always like to be asked out.
Complimenting someone in a date-ask is always a good idea, especially if you can compliment them on specific things that 1) you value in them and 2) they value (or ought to value) in themselves. My insecure brain is prone to being like, “Okay, yes, they asked me out, but do they find me ATTRACTIVE?? Do they actually even LIKE ME??” so pre-emptive compliments help me relax and actually believe them. (I have been asked out as a joke before, more than once. It is not fun.)
I like “take you out” because it’s the sort of phrasing most people wouldn’t tend to use unless they were talking about a date. But using the word “date” is also wonderful because it’s clear. I used to literally just sit in my childhood bed picturing different people asking me if they could take me out on a date. Free dopamine. A+.
6. “I can’t stop thinking about how much I’d like to kiss you.”
Truly glad y’all can’t see me right now because writing this post is making me feel so blushy and romantic that I’m actually getting a little dizzy and light-headed!! Anyway, this is the best way to ask someone if you can kiss them, IMO.
I originally picked this up from Dan Savage, who says that “I really wanna kiss you right now” (or touch you, or fuck you, or whatever) is the best non-pushy way to 1) communicate your desire and 2) leave the other person an opportunity to either say yes or redirect the conversation. I like the addition of “I can’t stop thinking about” because it conveys enthusiasm, which (as you may have noticed) is a recurring theme in what I find romantically exciting.
Often, by the time someone says this, they will have already made it pretty clear in their body language – maybe moving closer to you, maybe staring intermittently at your lips throughout the conversation, or biting or licking their own – but it’s still nice to hear it. And if someone signals to me, even in an indirect way like this, that they care about consent and would never make a move without it, that’s super hot and makes me feel much safer around them.
7. “I’m finding myself really wanting to touch you right now. How would you feel about that?”
Replace “touch you” with whatever. I have had doms bring up spanking me in this way; I’ve had vanilla cuties bring up holding hands in this way; it’s just a sweet way of getting permission to break the touch barrier.
I understand that some people find it hot when touch is infused with such urgency and passion that the person doesn’t even ask before kissing you, touching you, etc. but I think that approach requires a high degree of competency with noticing nonverbal cues, “reading the room,” etc. and not everyone has that. I also just personally find a “slow burn” hotter. If someone asks if they can touch me, I’m going to take a moment to ponder their question, likely while picturing what their touch will feel like and what it might lead to. And that’s ultimately going to turn me on far more than if they just grabbed me. But that’s me, baby – talk to your person/people if you want to know how they feel about all this.
8. “I really hope I get to see you again soon.”
All of these, I’m realizing, are really just different ways of saying “I’m very into you and I want you to know that!” What can I say, I know what I like.
I know there is a lot of emphasis on “chill” in the dating world, and certainly, it has its place. You don’t want to burn too hot when the other person is behaving more coldly or ambivalently. But considering how much I fret after a date about whether I was cute enough or witty enough or fun enough, it absolutely makes my day when someone reaches out to say they enjoyed themselves and want to do it again sometime soon.
A slightly more proactive way of saying this – and one that conveys even more interest – would be to add something like, “Are you free next Friday night for [drinks/dinner/a comedy show/whatever]?” but that’s not always the right move, depending on the situation. Like, I wouldn’t necessarily want someone to immediately ask me out on a second date when we’ve barely finished our first one, because I usually like to take some time to process after a first date and figure out how I felt about it before I decide what I want to happen next. But getting that text a day or two after a first date, if we had been chatting via text in the interim, would work excellently for me, and makes me blushy to think about.
What sentences feature prominently in your romantic fantasies?
I feel so differently about Valentine’s Day now than I did when I was a surly, chronically-single teen, scrawling angrily in my journal about “Hallmark holidays” and “romance ruined by capitalism.” The truth is, yes, Valentine’s Day makes a killing for big companies every year, and yes, celebrating it is in some sense celebrating a capitalistic construction. But that doesn’t mean it has no value, no upsides.
I view it as a time to celebrate love – all the types of love one experiences in one’s life – and also, possibly, to support independent creators and shops who sell wares that your sweeties might appreciate.
Here are some products I genuinely think are great – and I hope that if you buy them for yourself or a loved one, that they bring incalculable joy and pleasure into your life!
Image via SheVibe
Clitoral Toys
I know I mention this toy in almost every product recommendations round-up I do, but the We-Vibe Tango X ($76) is really one of the best clitoral vibrators on the market right now. Strong, rumbly, body-safe, waterproof, rechargeable, travel-friendly, multiple speeds and patterns, intuitive controls, seamlessly incorporated into partnered sex or solo sex… If your partner loves clitoral stimulation and wants a vibrator but isn’t sure what to get, this is the one I’d recommend, hands-down.
The We-Vibe Touch X ($95) is also a good option, although it is made of silicone so the vibrations are somewhat softened. It would be a better choice than the Tango for someone who is easily overstimulated, experiences vulva pain, and/or would like a vibe they can lie on top of and grind against.
If you or your partner have been curious about the newfangled sensations of pressure-wave stimulators, I think one of the best ones to try is the Satisfyer Pro 2 +Vibration ($50). It’s powerful, waterproof, boasts a broad range of speeds, and has a softer and less angular “mouth” than many other pressure-wave toys at this price point, making for more comfortable usage.
Image via SheVibe
Penis Toys
I keep hearing good things about the Lovense Gush ($99), a vibrator that wraps around the head of the penis for potentially hands-free stimulation. The ribbed texture on the inside would work well for standard “stroking up and down” masturbation as well. And, like everything Lovense, this one is controllable from a distance using their excellent smartphone app, so it’s perfect for long-distance sweeties, or folks who just want more fine-tuned control over their vibrator than its buttons alone can offer.
Want a stroker but don’t know what to get? The Fleshlight Quickshot ($32) is one of the best options. Although it’s designed by the biggest name in the stroker biz, it’s much cheaper than your typical Fleshlight because it’s smaller and open-ended, allowing you to combine it with oral sex and various other things if you want to. Or you can just use it solo – its rippled texture is just as fantastic as any other Fleshlight product.
Image via SheVibe
Anal Toys
Know an LGBTQ+ cutie who has some butt-stuff experience and might enjoy having a new plug to play with? The NS Novelties Rainbow Pleasure Plug ($29) is adorable, gay AF, and made of body-safe silicone. We’re here, we’re queer, put stuff in our butts!
The 1.5″ diameter of the Hole Punch Toys silicone butt plug ($22) makes it manageable for intermediate and expert anal-play fans, or for ambitious beginners who do some warm-up first. I love the shape of this one – it feels comfortable and stimulating in equal measure, which is exactly what I want from a butt plug.
Is your sweetheart curious about anal play and also a fan of femme aesthetics? The Icicles no. 48 pink glass butt plug ($24) has a little flower as its base, which is positively adorable! Its 1.25″ diameter should make it accessible for even butt-stuff newbies.
I love these bisexual pride butt plugs ($53 for a set of 3 in graduated sizes). Get ’em for a bi person in your life who wants to work their way up to larger anal penetration.
Image via SheVibe
Dildos
If you’ve never dabbled in dual-density silicone before, I think the Vixen Creations Raquel ($99) is a great place to start. This gorgeous pink dildo has a squishy head that feels almost cloudlike against my G-spot, massaging it without overloading it.
The Vixen Creations Woody ($70) would be a fantastic strap-on cock if you’re into that, and would work just as well for solo penetration. It’s the same shape as the Vixen Mustang, which I love, but is single-density silicone instead – which means it’s cheaper, and can hit your internal spots more firmly. I love the red hue, and the fact that it comes with a little bullet vibe that you can insert into the hole in the base for some extra sensation.
Want something with a lot of texture, to stimulate those vaginal or anal walls on every thrust? The Uberrime Bound 2.0 ($65) has cool rope-like details all over it. This dildo would pair so well with a rope bondage scene!
If your partner (or friend) is fond of mega-intense G-spot or prostate stimulation, consider getting them an Njoy Pure Wand ($110). The unrelenting steel truly feels like nothing else, and in my experience it induces squirting with aplomb!
Image via SheVibe
New & Hot
Someone who always likes to have the latest and greatest stuff might appreciate the SnailVibe ($150), a dual-stimulation vibrator with a unique design that allows it to “unfurl” and “re-furl” on every thrust, so that its external portion always maintains contact with your clit. It’s best for someone who likes deep penetration combined with clitoral stimulation. It’s also fully waterproof – lovely for bathtub wanks!
The Love Hamma ($115) has been getting a lot of attention on TikTok and Twitter lately, and for good reason: it’s a vibrator shaped like a hammer! It also thrusts, in addition to vibrating. The reviews I’ve seen have been middling, but if you know someone who needs a hammer vibrator, well… there you go. (I’m picturing, like, a Rosie the Riveter-style home-improvement butch who wants to kick back after a long day of carpentry with a hot bath and a hot masturbation session. BRB, fanning myself.)
Image via SheVibe
Cheap Treats
Need an inexpensive dildo? One of my faves to recommend is the Funkit Toys NoFrilldo ($24!!). This one is designed to hit the G-spot with its perfectly-placed ridges, while its shaft fills you up and presses deliciously against the vaginal walls. If you know you love texture, the all-ribbed version ($35) might be right up your alley. Funkit Toys is a small independent company run by one excellent queer human, Kenton, who is well worth supporting with your Valentine’s dollars.
My favorite Kegel balls, the Lelo Luna Beads Noir, are on sale for $39 at SheVibe right now. While you could use them as a vaginal counterweight for your Kegel exercises, my favorite ways to use them are to wear them while I’m out and about, for secret surreptitious sensations, or to keep them in during a spanking, so I can feel the full glory of their jostling with every hit.
The ingenious Funkit Toys Cashew Nib plug ($39) is designed to work equally well as a butt plug or a vaginal plug, providing effortless stimulation to your internal erogenous zones so your hands are free to do other stuff. It also has a suction-cup base, so you can attach it to your floor or wall if you’d rather bounce up and down on it.
My very first sexual experiences took place in a bathtub. I’m not talking about partnered sex; that came later. No, I’m talking about my earliest forays into masturbation, before I even fully understood what masturbation was. The source of all my sexual pleasure, for a period of at least a year, was not a sex toy or even my own hand – it was the water flowing out of the bathtub faucet.
I still sometimes wonder, many years later, how this influenced the development of my sexual tastes and responses. I look back on those masturbation sessions fondly, remembering having multiple orgasms under the warm stream. But I haven’t been able to utilize this technique in several years, because my creaky old fibromyalgia-ridden body simply cannot tolerate the position required (hips scooted underneath the faucet, legs up against the wall) for long enough to feel any real pleasure.
That’s why I was so excited when a press release for the WaterSlyde showed up in my inbox.
What is the WaterSlyde and how do you use it?
The WaterSlyde is a long piece of tubular plastic with a ribbon looping through one end. It focuses water from the faucet into a slim stream, and then aims that stream directly at your genitals. Provided that it fits your faucet (it’s designed to work with most standard-sized, forward-facing ones), you can tie the toy to your bath spout with its specially-designed grippy ribbon, and you’ve got yourself the water diverter of your wettest bathtub-wank dreams.
It is way simpler than your standard sex toy, in that you can set it up in seconds, never have to charge or replace any batteries, and can use it without difficulty while traveling (so long as the place you’re going has a bathtub). At just $27 (or $35 if you’re Canadian), it gives you a lot of bang for your buck.
How easy is it to use?
Setting up the WaterSlyde really does just take a few seconds – long enough to tie the ribbon in a sturdy bow around the bath spout, turn on the water, and get into the tub. It’s a well-designed product: it stays attached to the faucet easily, barely even swaying from the unrelenting water rushing through it.
This toy has no “controls,” per se; whatever options your bathtub offers are what you’ll be able to adjust. So, if your faucet enables you to make the flow of water stronger or weaker, then you’ll be able to do that with the WaterSlyde as well, but if your tub only dispenses water at one steady speed, then that’s all you’ll get on your bits too. Of course, at the very least, you can control the temperature of the flow by adjusting the knob(s) of your tub. I suggest experimenting with different temperatures to see what works best for you; for baths in general, I tend to like hot water, but I always use lukewarm-to-warm water with the WaterSlyde because that temperature makes all the accompanying sensations more discernible to my easily-overstimulated clit.
While the WaterSlyde is marketed as a more ergonomic alternative to the standard “legs up on the wall” bathtub masturbation method, I will say that for me and my chronically achy body, using it still wasn’t as comfortable as I would’ve preferred. I had to alternate between lying down flat, propping myself up on my elbows, and sitting upright in the middle of the tub; staying in one position got uncomfortable after a while. This didn’t bother me too much, but I don’t think bathtub masturbation will ever again be my most common method, for this reason among others.
My main annoyance with the WaterSlyde is that my small bathtub fills up too quickly, and then it becomes difficult for me to stay anchored in one place so that the stream maintains contact with my clit. This means that I end up periodically draining some of the water to keep it at a manageable level, which in turn means that using this toy definitely wastes some water. But that’s kind of par for the course anyway for a toy that works by pouring water onto you.
What does it feel like?
Warm water on my clit still feels just as lovely as it always has. It’s like a skilled tongue as soft as clouds, massaging the area. (It lends itself well to being paired with oral sex fantasies, if you’re into that!)
The amount of water pressure your tub offers will make a big difference in terms of sensation while using the WaterSlyde. Mine is middling, so there does come a point in my sessions with this toy when I begin to wish I could get just slightly more stimulation to push me over the edge. It’s then that I give my clit a break, so that it will be more sensitive when I begin again a minute or two later. This slow stop-and-start technique, necessitated by the very nature of the toy, takes longer than my usual methods but can lead to extra-intense orgasms when I finally get to that point.
Aside from the controls of your tub, your own body is the only tool you have to change the sensation of the WaterSlyde. The stream of water is strongest directly underneath the end of the toy, and gets gentler as you move away, so you can “adjust the intensity” by physically moving your body. As I get closer to orgasm with this toy, I find myself beginning to rock my hips back and forth a little – just enough to create a sense of motion on my clit, rather than the comparatively static stimulation of the water stream.
One of the most striking things to me in reading other folks’ reviews of the WaterSlyde was how many of them described having mega-intense orgasms with this thing. I was skeptical, being someone who usually gets off with high-end vibrators these days. But the WaterSlyde truly delivers. It’s something about the combination of the warm water, the slow-paced build of arousal, and the relaxing environment of a warm bath. When I reach orgasm with this toy, my head falls back, my eyes fall closed, my mind goes utterly blank and the literal only thing I can think about is the water beating against my clit. This toy produces some of the most intense clitoral orgasms I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been having clitoral orgasms for two decades so I’m pretty damn good at them.
Anything else to keep in mind?
Depending on your specific setup, the WaterSlyde might be a good option if your living situation demands discretion around masturbation/sex toys. For example, if I had smuggled this toy into the bathroom under my robe while I was still living at my parents’ house, I could have jerked off surreptitiously in the tub and no one would be the wiser. The white noise produced by running water also helps muffle any noises you might make, which I find enables me to relax and feel my feelings instead of worrying about whether anyone can hear me.
If you prefer your clitoral stimulation with a side order of penetration, that might be tricky to do with the WaterSlyde because of the positioning it requires. I personally don’t think I could use a dildo while using the WaterSlyde because I need both of my arms to prop me up in the tub. If you have any penetrative toys that stay put once inserted, like the Hole Punch Fluke vaginal plug (which I love), that might be a good solution.
The makers of the WaterSlyde posit that it’s hygienic because the water cleans your vulva during use. I suppose this is true, although frankly my vag usually gets so wet from this toy that any cleaning effects are negated and I still have to wash the area how I normally would (i.e. with a very mild, pH-balanced cleanser called DivaWash).
You might wonder if there’s a risk of water flowing into your vagina and causing problems. I don’t think this is a significant issue, mostly because you’re generally gonna be aiming the stream of water at your clit, rather than the vaginal opening. (The WaterSlyde could also be used and enjoyed by folks with penises, theoretically, though I haven’t seen any penis-possessing folks review it yet.)
Final thoughts
The WaterSlyde quite simply gives me some of the best orgasms I’ve ever had, and it only costs $27.
It’s easy to set up and easy to use. It wastes some water, but uses no batteries or power, ever. It’s travel-friendly (though not small), and if I ever go on vacation again, it’ll be wonderful to use this in some fancy hotel bathtub like I’m in an X-rated version of Pretty Woman.
Clearly this toy won’t work for everyone – it may require a bit of contortion (depending on the size of your tub), and the stimulation it offers is only as intense as the water stream it conveys.
But those orgasms. Oh, those orgasms. They’re like eating a food you haven’t had since you were a kid, and discovering it’s every bit as delicious as you remembered.
Thanks to the folks at Lovability for sending me a WaterSlyde to try! The links in this post are affiliate links, but I was not paid to write about this product and, as always, what I’ve written is what I actually think.
Sleep has always been important to me, but especially so since I became 
