Review: WaterSlyde

Kate Sloan

My very first sexual experiences took place in a bathtub. I’m not talking about partnered sex; that came later. No, I’m talking about my earliest forays into masturbation, before I even fully understood what masturbation was. The source of all my sexual pleasure, for a period of at least a year, was not a sex toy or even my own hand – it was the water flowing out of the bathtub faucet.

I still sometimes wonder, many years later, how this influenced the development of my sexual tastes and responses. I look back on those masturbation sessions fondly, remembering having multiple orgasms under the warm stream. But I haven’t been able to utilize this technique in several years, because my creaky old fibromyalgia-ridden body simply cannot tolerate the position required (hips scooted underneath the faucet, legs up against the wall) for long enough to feel any real pleasure.

That’s why I was so excited when a press release for the WaterSlyde showed up in my inbox.

 

What is the WaterSlyde and how do you use it?

The WaterSlyde is a long piece of tubular plastic with a ribbon looping through one end. It focuses water from the faucet into a slim stream, and then aims that stream directly at your genitals. Provided that it fits your faucet (it’s designed to work with most standard-sized, forward-facing ones), you can tie the toy to your bath spout with its specially-designed grippy ribbon, and you’ve got yourself the water diverter of your wettest bathtub-wank dreams.

It is way simpler than your standard sex toy, in that you can set it up in seconds, never have to charge or replace any batteries, and can use it without difficulty while traveling (so long as the place you’re going has a bathtub). At just $27 (or $35 if you’re Canadian), it gives you a lot of bang for your buck.

 

How easy is it to use?

Setting up the WaterSlyde really does just take a few seconds – long enough to tie the ribbon in a sturdy bow around the bath spout, turn on the water, and get into the tub. It’s a well-designed product: it stays attached to the faucet easily, barely even swaying from the unrelenting water rushing through it.

This toy has no “controls,” per se; whatever options your bathtub offers are what you’ll be able to adjust. So, if your faucet enables you to make the flow of water stronger or weaker, then you’ll be able to do that with the WaterSlyde as well, but if your tub only dispenses water at one steady speed, then that’s all you’ll get on your bits too. Of course, at the very least, you can control the temperature of the flow by adjusting the knob(s) of your tub. I suggest experimenting with different temperatures to see what works best for you; for baths in general, I tend to like hot water, but I always use lukewarm-to-warm water with the WaterSlyde because that temperature makes all the accompanying sensations more discernible to my easily-overstimulated clit.

While the WaterSlyde is marketed as a more ergonomic alternative to the standard “legs up on the wall” bathtub masturbation method, I will say that for me and my chronically achy body, using it still wasn’t as comfortable as I would’ve preferred. I had to alternate between lying down flat, propping myself up on my elbows, and sitting upright in the middle of the tub; staying in one position got uncomfortable after a while. This didn’t bother me too much, but I don’t think bathtub masturbation will ever again be my most common method, for this reason among others.

My main annoyance with the WaterSlyde is that my small bathtub fills up too quickly, and then it becomes difficult for me to stay anchored in one place so that the stream maintains contact with my clit. This means that I end up periodically draining some of the water to keep it at a manageable level, which in turn means that using this toy definitely wastes some water. But that’s kind of par for the course anyway for a toy that works by pouring water onto you.

 

What does it feel like?

Warm water on my clit still feels just as lovely as it always has. It’s like a skilled tongue as soft as clouds, massaging the area. (It lends itself well to being paired with oral sex fantasies, if you’re into that!)

The amount of water pressure your tub offers will make a big difference in terms of sensation while using the WaterSlyde. Mine is middling, so there does come a point in my sessions with this toy when I begin to wish I could get just slightly more stimulation to push me over the edge. It’s then that I give my clit a break, so that it will be more sensitive when I begin again a minute or two later. This slow stop-and-start technique, necessitated by the very nature of the toy, takes longer than my usual methods but can lead to extra-intense orgasms when I finally get to that point.

Aside from the controls of your tub, your own body is the only tool you have to change the sensation of the WaterSlyde. The stream of water is strongest directly underneath the end of the toy, and gets gentler as you move away, so you can “adjust the intensity” by physically moving your body. As I get closer to orgasm with this toy, I find myself beginning to rock my hips back and forth a little – just enough to create a sense of motion on my clit, rather than the comparatively static stimulation of the water stream.

One of the most striking things to me in reading other folks’ reviews of the WaterSlyde was how many of them described having mega-intense orgasms with this thing. I was skeptical, being someone who usually gets off with high-end vibrators these days. But the WaterSlyde truly delivers. It’s something about the combination of the warm water, the slow-paced build of arousal, and the relaxing environment of a warm bath. When I reach orgasm with this toy, my head falls back, my eyes fall closed, my mind goes utterly blank and the literal only thing I can think about is the water beating against my clit. This toy produces some of the most intense clitoral orgasms I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been having clitoral orgasms for two decades so I’m pretty damn good at them.

 

Anything else to keep in mind?

Depending on your specific setup, the WaterSlyde might be a good option if your living situation demands discretion around masturbation/sex toys. For example, if I had smuggled this toy into the bathroom under my robe while I was still living at my parents’ house, I could have jerked off surreptitiously in the tub and no one would be the wiser. The white noise produced by running water also helps muffle any noises you might make, which I find enables me to relax and feel my feelings instead of worrying about whether anyone can hear me.

If you prefer your clitoral stimulation with a side order of penetration, that might be tricky to do with the WaterSlyde because of the positioning it requires. I personally don’t think I could use a dildo while using the WaterSlyde because I need both of my arms to prop me up in the tub. If you have any penetrative toys that stay put once inserted, like the Hole Punch Fluke vaginal plug (which I love), that might be a good solution.

The makers of the WaterSlyde posit that it’s hygienic because the water cleans your vulva during use. I suppose this is true, although frankly my vag usually gets so wet from this toy that any cleaning effects are negated and I still have to wash the area how I normally would (i.e. with a very mild, pH-balanced cleanser called DivaWash).

You might wonder if there’s a risk of water flowing into your vagina and causing problems. I don’t think this is a significant issue, mostly because you’re generally gonna be aiming the stream of water at your clit, rather than the vaginal opening. (The WaterSlyde could also be used and enjoyed by folks with penises, theoretically, though I haven’t seen any penis-possessing folks review it yet.)

 

Final thoughts

The WaterSlyde quite simply gives me some of the best orgasms I’ve ever had, and it only costs $27.

It’s easy to set up and easy to use. It wastes some water, but uses no batteries or power, ever. It’s travel-friendly (though not small), and if I ever go on vacation again, it’ll be wonderful to use this in some fancy hotel bathtub like I’m in an X-rated version of Pretty Woman.

Clearly this toy won’t work for everyone – it may require a bit of contortion (depending on the size of your tub), and the stimulation it offers is only as intense as the water stream it conveys.

But those orgasms. Oh, those orgasms. They’re like eating a food you haven’t had since you were a kid, and discovering it’s every bit as delicious as you remembered.

 

Thanks to the folks at Lovability for sending me a WaterSlyde to try! The links in this post are affiliate links, but I was not paid to write about this product and, as always, what I’ve written is what I actually think.

This Sustainable Sex Toy Brand is Erotic & Eco-Friendly

Kate Sloan

Like most people who are alive and breathing in 2022, I worry about the environment a lot. And in particular, in recent years I’ve thought more and more about the issue of sustainability in the sex toy industry. Many sex toys come in vastly excessive plastic packaging, are so flimsy or poorly engineered that they’ll end up in a landfill in short order, and/or contain ingredients that could actively harm humans and the environment if they leached into our water (e.g. phthalates). It’s not the most eco-friendly industry, to say the least.

So I was delighted to learn about a relatively new sex toy company called Love Not War, which has put sustainability at the forefront of its mission. Wow!

 

Art by Charlotte Willcox in collaboration with Love Not War

Here are a few key ways Love Not War is trying to aid the environment and minimize waste while making gorgeous pleasure products:

  • Interchangeable heads. Once you own one Love Not War toy, you’ve got a base unit that’s compatible with any of the other “heads” they offer. This means, for instance, that you could grab the Miele head for pinpoint clitoral stimulation, the Liebe head for toe-curling G-spot stimulation, and the Koi head for broader stimulation and muscle massage – and all three would be useable with the same base unit. This cuts down enormously on the amount of waste generated by each sex toy purchase, and also gives you more options for pleasure, which is always a good thing!
  • Recycled and recyclable materials. Love Not War toys are made predominantly of aluminum and FDA-grade silicone. Even the soy ink used on their packaging is recyclable and compostable! No more landfill-clogging plastic clamshells or endless boxes within boxes.
  • Repairing and recycling. While the company builds their toys to last, they also acknowledge that natural wear and tear can cause a product to break down in the long-term. If your toy stops working right, they’ll do their best to repair it for you – and if they can’t repair it, they will recycle it at their “custom-built, green-powered factory.” Cool!
  • Planting trees. In partnership with One Tree Planted, Love Not War plants one tree for every purchase made from them. As you may know, trees are beneficial to the air we breathe and the water we drink, and also function as a habitat for innumerable life forms around the world.

 

Art by Charlotte Wilcox in collaboration with Love Not War

Trees are also central to Love Not War’s latest venture: their limited-edition Valentine’s Day E-cards, designed by UK-based illustrator Charlotte Willcox, which are downloadable for free now. According to Love Not War’s website, about 8,000 trees were cut down to make Valentine’s Day cards in the UK alone last year, so Love Not War is encouraging people to download and send these cute ‘n’ sexy E-cards to loved ones instead. Why not send ’em a sustainable sex toy (and thereby fund the planting of a new tree) while you’re at it?

As part of their Valentine’s Day festivities, right now if you order a Love Not War vibrator, they will throw in an extra head for free! That means you get two sensation options for the price of one, AND they’ll plant a tree in your honor. They’re also offering free shipping to the UK and the USA. Brilliant!

A toy by Love Not War would be a great gift for someone in your life who is passionate about environmentalism and pleasure in equal measure (even if that person is you!). It’s so nice to see companies taking a stand against the rampant sustainability issues in the sex toy industry, and I hope other toy makers will jump onto that bandwagon soon.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

“A Song A Week” Challenge: Monthly Recap 1 of 12

Kate Sloan

At the beginning of 2022, I became acutely aware of how out of touch I’d been with a previous favorite hobby of mine, making music. I’ve always covered other people’s songs a lot but haven’t done nearly as much songwriting in adulthood as I did during my teen years and early twenties, when I would sometimes write multiple songs a month. So I challenged myself to write one song a week in 2022. They don’t have to be great, or even good; they just have to be songs.

As part of the challenge, I’ve been keeping a “songwriting diary” in which I reflect on the process involved in writing each song. Here are January’s songs, including videos, lyrics, and the diary entries I wrote about how they were created. Enjoy!

Song 1/52: “January 1st”

 

Lyrics:

There’s always a sense, on January 1st
That things will get better or things will get worse
A twist in the plot, a fulcrum for change
If you don’t get better, then you’ll only age
At least that’s what they say

Chorus:
Will I ever chill and be content?
Will I live in the moment, as if I knew what that meant?
Wish I knew what that meant

A list of my goals, as long as my arm
Debatable whether they help or they harm
The future is bleak and scary to ponder
I’d solve all its troubles if my mind wouldn’t wander

(repeat chorus)

It’d be easier to breathe
If dread and doubt stopped hounding me
It’d be easier to live
If something finally had to give

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

Hey bitch, some things to remember about this songwriting process:

  1. You wrote the whole thing in less than 30 minutes, after listening to part of an interview with Paul McCartney about songwriting.
  2. The melody and words of the first part came to you organically and you built from there.
  3. There were 2-3 moments when you considered stopping/scrapping it because it wasn’t working, but you pushed through and deliberately finished it anyway.
  4. You’d set out thinking it was a song in E, but you listened to the melodies your voice naturally sang and realized it was in B.
  5. You used Rhymezone.com, Thesaurus.com, and your voice memo app, but otherwise ignored your phone throughout the process.

(Maybe I should do a little postmortem journal entry like this for all this year’s songs…)

Song 2/52: “Bi Enough”

 

Lyrics:

Chorus:
Am I bi enough?
What would it mean to be bi enough?
Do I wear enough rainbows? Did I buy enough?
How else can I prove that I’m bi enough?

I met this cute guy
We were hitting it off – he was good in bed
I said, “Hey, I’m bi”
And watched his eyes pop right out of his head

I’m sick of the stereotypes
I’m sick of the biphobic jokes
Don’t you know that jokes are supposed to be funny, folks?

(repeat chorus)

I met this cute gal
We were hitting it off, til it went awry
I told her “I’m bisexual”
She broke my heart, she thought I’d leave her for a guy

I’m sick of the stigma and shame
I’m so sick of being erased
Being a bigot to bi folks is a fucking waste

(repeat chorus)

There might never come a day
When impostor syndrome goes away
So I guess it’s up to me
To be the best bi I can be

Am I bi enough?
Maybe we don’t ask about the “why” enough
Like why I even wonder if I’m bi enough
By the way, if you are bi, you’re bi enough

 

Songwriting diary:

Had been chatting with my therapist about bisexual impostor syndrome and later had the thought that I should stop doubting my queerness because I am clearly “a gay-ass grown woman,” a phrase that I wrote into a line that actually didn’t even make it into the final song because the different components felt too separate so I wrote a different prechorus instead. (It originally went, “Never cared much about your sex chromosome/ I’m a gay-ass grown woman with impostor syndrome.”)

The melody of the chorus came naturally, like I was hearing it in my head, as these things often do. Verses were similar. I returned to it the day after writing most of it to write the new prechoruses and bridge, which made it much better, I think.

Song 3/52: “Old Friend”

 

Lyrics:

I still love you, my old friend
I know we said we’d call it quits
Said I’d gotten over you again
I guess my heart is on the fritz

Do you miss my kisses?
And being so much closer?
Do I know what this is?
I’m sorry to say no, sir

If we gave it one more shot
I wonder what we’d find
I still think you’re smart and hot
You haven’t changed my mind

Do you ever think of me
When you’re in bed beside your lady?
Or am I not your cup of tea?
Not a yes, but maybe

I wish I had a magic spell
I wish I had a wand of gold
You warm me up, I wish you well
I always left you cold

 

Songwriting diary:

Was thinking about how I used to feel, when I was about 23 and in hopeless unrequited love with a friend of mine, which was awful. (Conjuring up old emotional memories is helpful for songwriting when one’s current emotional situation isn’t quite as dramatic.)

I didn’t really like this song that much when I wrote the first draft of it on December 23rd. Set it aside and worked on other stuff instead.

But then on January 13th I had it stuck in my head, listened to it several times, and decided all it needed was for me to 1) rewrite a couple lines of lyrics and 2) nail down the weird-ass melody. I could hear how I wanted it to sound in my head but hadn’t nailed the singing of it. So I practiced the odd interval jumps until I more-or-less had it, and it sounded much better.

Once again, this challenge is teaching me that a big part of writing songs is FINISHING songs – I’ve always been okay at generating initial ideas, but the more difficult and sophisticated process of pushing through doubt, uncertainty, etc. to finish the song is the part I’ve always been less good at, and this challenge is helping me hone that skill especially.

Song 4/52: “Spin the Bottle”

 

Lyrics:

Spin the bottle, going ’round the circle
Shyness is my burden and my hurdle
When it lands on me
I look around and see who I see:
A boy who sparkles, dressed in royal purple

And he’s got a friendly face
He smells like beer and leather
And I’m feeling out of place
We put our lips together
The voice inside my head
Goes quiet as a whisper
And my only thought instead
Is “Wow, what a good kisser”

Spin the Bottle captures my attention
Its magic can defy my comprehension
When it lands on me
I kiss the first lady I see
Her lips are from a lovelier dimension

And I kiss her through a grin
My senses are elated
And I try to take her in
I’m so intoxicated
Am I doing what I’m s’posed to?
I guess it doesn’t matter
‘Cause this goddess I’m so close to
Her kiss can kill the chatter

Spin the Bottle parties make me nervous
But nervousness is nice when it’s on purpose

 

Songwriting diary:

A glance through my Facebook “memories” reminded me about these parties I used to go to in my early twenties, where people would play Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. It was one of the only instances I’ve ever experienced of “icebreaker games” actually breaking the ice, i.e. functioning as a way for shy wallflowers like me to actually integrate themselves into the social groups present at the party even if we knew absolutely no one when we arrived.

I truly don’t remember how this song was written because I went into a fugue-y flow state as soon as I started. But I came back to it a day or two later to fix up some of the lyrics (“she’s strong, with velvet skin” is on the cutting room floor, among other things, because it sounded awkward in my mouth). Spent a while contemplating whether it needed a bridge, a departure into a totally different mood or style somewhere in the middle, but ultimately I like how it has this plodding rhythm that feels like my hardened heartbeat when my turn is coming up soon in a game of Spin the Bottle.

Song 5/52: “Brave Little Girl”

 

Lyrics:

Everything is scary now – the streets, the heat, the news
We’re all feeling wary now – the fright is like a bruise

When will our cortisol calm back down?
Will we see peace and accord?
When will we stop feeling broken-down?
Don’t we deserve a reward?

Chorus:
Where’s my treat? I have been a brave little girl!
Strong and sweet – aren’t I a peach? Aren’t I a pearl?
Nose to the grindstone, pedal to the metal
I have got a backbone, I will never settle
Where’s my treat? I have been a brave, brave little girl!

Sorry I ignored your text – it’s next, I swear
It’s just that I’m distracted – it’s not that I don’t care

All my excuses are nothing new
I’m not in the mood for flirtation
We’re getting tired of just getting through
Don’t we deserve compensation?

(repeat chorus)

Imagine a sunny day
I know it seems far away
But hold the thought in your head
Without hope, we’re basically dead

(repeat chorus)

 

Songwriting diary:

Wrote this based on the prompt “Where’s my treat? I have been a brave little girl!” which was given to me by one of my Instagram followers (not sure if they want to be identified so I have redacted their username here). I had no idea when I wrote this that the phrase is apparently a TikTok meme, but the song definitely fits the vibe that many TikTokers are giving the phrase so I think it works.

I was looking for the natural musicality of the phrase, listening for its natural rhythm, which is an idea I picked up from Jeff Tweedy’s book How to Write One Song. I made a recording of the very first thing I sang, and it was kind of an ideal melody so I built from there.

Took me about 45 minutes to write the rest of it. I listened very hard to the song in my head, which suggested to me the rhythms before I even wrote words for them, as sometimes happens. The key change in the bridge involved listening to the chords in my mind and just figuring out what they were, which was the most time-consuming part of the process.

I never really consciously decided to write about COVID, the current state of the world, etc.  but a lot of these songs at least allude to it, because how could they not?

What Type of Vibrator is Right For You?

Kate Sloan

I got my first vibrator when I was 15, which means that as of next year, I’ll have been using vibrators for HALF MY LIFE. And what a blessing they have been!

Vibrators can stir pleasure and elicit orgasms even in people who struggle to get off via other methods. They can be a godsend for people with disabilities, sensitivity issues, low physical stamina, or all of the above. They can, in some cases, circumvent numbness caused by antidepressants or tissue damage. They are, in other words, the sexual technology we need and deserve.

However, it can be hugely daunting to shop for a vibrator, particularly if you’ve never done so before and don’t know what to look for. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most common types of vibes, and the kinds of people who would most enjoy each. Hope this helps!

 

Who should get a clitoral vibrator?

  • Someone who knows they love clitoral stimulation!
  • Someone who wants to make PIV sex (or anal sex) more comfortable and pleasurable for themselves by adding some clitoral stimulation into the mix.
  • Someone whose vulva-owning partner has expressed not experiencing much pleasure during penetrative sex and is open to technological solutions to that problem.
  • Someone who wants a vibe that’s petite and discreet. (Not all clit vibes are, but most are.) For example, if you travel a lot, live with your parents, or just don’t have much space to spare in your nightstand.
  • Someone who has strong preferences about how their clit should be stimulated: broadly or in a more focused way, on the top or on the side, directly or indirectly, etc. Regardless of your tastes, you can probably find a clit vibe that does what you want it to do.
  • Someone who already owns one or more dildos that they love, and wants a vibe to use clitorally in conjunction with their dildo(s).
  • Someone who has vaginismus or other issues that make penetration difficult or impossible, but who still wants to experience sexual pleasure.
  • Someone who wants to incorporate a vibrator into sex with a partner but suspects (or knows) that their partner would be intimidated/threatened by a larger toy, and would have no interest in unlearning that reaction.

 

Who should get a wand vibrator?

  • Someone who knows they need a LOT of stimulation.
  • Someone who prefers broad stimulation of their bits, rather than more pinpointed stimulation.
  • Someone who wants to get a vibrator that both they and their partner(s) can enjoy, regardless of gender or anatomy. Wands feel great on vulvas and dicks alike.
  • Someone who doesn’t plan on using their vibe during face-to-face penetrative sex much. Rear-entry positions are usually more amenable to throwing a huge vibrator into the mix.
  • Someone who wants their orgasms to be quick and efficient. Of course, it’s not a guarantee – there are no guarantees when it comes to what will prompt an orgasm – but many people describe wands as being the best option when they just want to “hammer one out.”
  • Someone dealing with genital desensitization due to medication or other factors, who needs strong vibration to blast through the numbness.
  • Someone who prefers deep stimulation over surface-level stimulation.
  • Someone who doesn’t want to bother with replacing/recharging their vibrator’s batteries. (Some – not all – wand vibrators plug into the wall, so batteries aren’t a concern. My beloved Magic Wand Rechargeable can be used while plugged in or unplugged.)
  • Someone who wants a sex toy that can double as a muscle massager. Stress and tension can be real boner-killers, so it’s often nice to begin a sex/masturbation session with some gentle massage of the shoulders and neck, for instance.
  • Someone who wants to do forced orgasm play. Wands are the generally agreed-upon go-to prop for that type of scene.

 

Who should get a pressure wave vibrator?

  • Someone who enjoys the sensations of receiving cunnilingus. No toy can really replicate oral (yet), but many people report that these ones come close.
  • Someone who has tried other types of vibrators before and found them unimpressive.
  • Someone who is not easily overstimulated by direct clitoral touch.
  • Someone who likes a slow build toward orgasm.
  • Someone who likes sensations that feel almost scarily intense.
  • Someone who likes to keep up with the latest and greatest technology. This sex toy category is super trendy right now; remember that rose vibrator that went viral on TikTok?!

 

Who should get a G-spot vibrator?

  • Someone who loves G-spot pleasure!
  • Someone who knows they want a vibrator but doesn’t yet know which part(s) of their anatomy they’ll want to stimulate with it. A good G-spot vibrator can be used either internally or externally, giving you a lot of options and room for experimentation.
  • Someone who likes both internal and external stimulation but can currently only afford one toy. The versatility of a G-spot vibe makes it a good pick for this scenario.
  • Someone who travels a lot and wants one toy they can take with them that can do a lot of different things (clit stim, G-spot stim, labia stim, even potentially muscle massage if it’s strong enough or anal stim if it has a flared base).
  • Someone who is curious about the internal clitoris and wants to stimulate it.
  • Someone who is curious about G-spot orgasms or squirting and wants to see if their body is capable of these phenomena.
  • Someone who wants a partner to be able to fuck them with a vibrator.

 

Who should get a dual-stimulation/rabbit vibrator?

  • Someone who has thought very carefully about what they want and determined that they need a dual-stimulation vibrator. I would not recommend dual-stim toys to anyone who is at all uncertain about what type of vibe they want; it’s a bit like giving someone a kitted-out gaming PC when they just wanted a laptop for scrolling social media sites and watching Netflix. In almost all cases, you’re gonna be better off using a dildo and a vibe (or an internal vibe and an external one) and controlling them separately.
  • Someone who doesn’t have strong preferences about how they like their clit to be stimulated and where. Dual-stim toys usually have a fixed distance between their internal and external arms, meaning that you may not be able to hit your favorite internal spot and your favorite area of your clit with the same toy – but if you don’t really have a “sweet spot” on your clit, and just enjoy having it touched anywhere, then you might be a good candidate for a dual-stim product.
  • Someone who is either a lazy masturbator (no shame in that) or who has mobility/strength issues in one or both arms/hands (no shame in that either!). Dual-stim toys usually only require the use of one hand, if that, so they might be a better option for this type of person.
  • Someone who really loves that one episode of Sex & the City.

 

Who should get a penis vibrator?

  • Someone who has a penis and wants to experience vibration on it! Maybe using your hand has gotten boring; maybe you’re just curious.
  • Someone who has difficulty maintaining or achieving an erection. Some penis vibes are specifically designed to be useable whether you’re hard or flaccid.
  • Someone whose penis isn’t as sensitive as they wish it was, and who therefore feels they need/want stronger stimulation than most human bodies can provide.
  • Someone who wants to potentially achieve hands-free penile orgasms, whether due to disability or any other reason.
  • Someone who would like to give or receive a blowjob featuring added vibration. Some penis vibes leave you enough room that you can use them near the base of the shaft while performing oral sex on the rest of the dick, for an all-enveloping sensation that many people enjoy.

 

Who should get an anal vibrator?

  • Someone who loves anal stimulation, of course!
  • Someone who enjoys experiencing vibration surreptitiously in public places. You can get other types of vibrators that have Bluetooth functionality, but vibrating butt plugs are usually the comfiest ones to wear for extended periods because they’re explicitly designed with that purpose in mind.
  • Someone who wants to have some kind of partnered anal sex (whether that be with toys, fingers, a strap-on, or a penis) and would like some help warming up for it. Vibrations can assist in relaxing the muscles in that area and making penetration easier.

 

What’s your favorite type of vibrator? What makes it your fave?

 

Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! As always, all writing and opinions here are my own. Feel free to check out their article, “19 Types Of Vibrators For Your Sex Toys List,” for more info.

Realistic vs. Non-Realistic Dildos: Which Should You Get?

Kate Sloan
A Fleshjack dildo cuddling with the Easy A

Is there any type of sex toy as hotly debated as the realistic dildo?

Okay, yes, almost certainly there is. Moral panics arise perennially about people becoming “dependent” on vibrators, there has been much kerfuffle over whether sex dolls are inherently sexist, and “fisting dildos” often inspire medically-uninformed concerns about people’s holes getting stretched out. (That hypothesis is a myth, folks!)

But if we’re talking about the type of sex toy that is most commonly debated, argued over, and fretted about, obviously the answer has got to be the realistic dildo. Many cis men worry that they won’t be able to “compete” with a partner’s dildo if it’s cocklike, especially if it’s larger than their actual dick. Many lesbians have had their sexual identity questioned or dismissed if they use/like realistic dildos, despite the facts that 1) toys are not necessarily reflective of their users’ real-life desires and attractions, and 2) some women have penises so desiring dicks isn’t inherently un-sapphic at all. Straight men who use realistic dildos may be misidentified as gay or bi, because (again) many people falsely equate choice of toy with sexual orientation. Using a realistic dildo can be a clusterfuck in more ways than one!

Given all this fervent discourse/di(ck)scourse, one might assume that realistic dildos are the only dildos available, but that isn’t the case: many sex toy companies make non-representational dildos, designed to hit those tucked-away erogenous zones or fulfill wild fantasies. Basically, whatever image pops to mind for you when you see the word “dildo,” just be aware that there’s way more out there!

If you’re in the market for a new dildo but having trouble deciding which route to go, fear not – today I’m breaking down the key factors that might lead you to go realistic or non-realistic. Let’s begin this penetrating analysis…

 

Who should get a realistic dildo?

  • Someone who fetishizes dicks or just thinks they’re hot. (Hellooo, it me.)
  • Someone who wants their new strap-on dildo to look like a real dick, whether that’s for gender affirmation reasons or any other reason. I have many trans and nonbinary friends who initially explored their burgeoning Gender Feelings this way, whether or not they were fully aware that’s what they were doing at the time.
  • Someone who wants a dildo that has the comfortable squishiness/flexibility of a flesh-and-blood dick. Granted, not all realistic dildos have this (and some non-realistic ones do, too), but generally, realistic ones are gonna be toward the squishier end of the spectrum and therefore might be comfier for some folks.
  • Someone who finds that the shape of a penis works well for their anatomy. The coronal ridge on a cock can feel great on the G-spot or prostate, for example. Non-realistic toys can be stimulating in all sorts of ways, but if you know you really crave that “mushroom head” shape inside you, a realistic dildo is probably the way to go.
  • Someone who makes porn, does cam shows, etc. While some viewers may want to see you using non-realistic toys, in my experience the vast majority of porn/cam show consumers are cis straight men who want your toys to function as a proxy for their dick. Realistic dildos work well for this, whether you’re kneeling below the camera to shoot a POV blowjob scene, sprawled out on your bed fucking yourself with the toy, or affixing it via suction cup to a wall so you can bounce on it.
  • Someone who is in a long-distance relationship with a penis-possessing person and wants to be able to take sexy photos/videos with a silicone facsimile of their partner’s cock. (Or, alternatively, someone whose partner is transmasculine and might appreciate some gender-affirming custom porn.) If you like to have Zoom/FaceTime/Skype sex, it can also be nice to use toys that actually resemble parts of your partner’s body, so you feel like you’re physically together. If you can’t find a dildo that approximates your sweetie’s dimensions, ask them to make a Clone-a-Willy for you. It’s basically like copying-and-pasting a penis.

 

Who should get a non-realistic dildo?

  • Someone who is squicked out by penises or just doesn’t find them attractive. There’s no shame in admitting this – your sex toys are meant to turn you on, and to make you feel good, not to gross you out! (Unless you’re into being grossed out, that is…)
  • Someone who is threatened by (or has a partner who is threatened by) the thought of incorporating a penis-like toy into their play, and isn’t interested in interrogating or unlearning that reaction. As a reminder: sex toys are tools, not your competition… but I also understand that a lot of us have so much strife to discuss with our therapists these days (should we be lucky enough to have one) that dildo anxiety may not be at the top of your list at the moment!
  • Someone who likes to have specific internal erogenous zones stimulated intensely and specifically. Some non-realistic dildos may have, for example, a severe G-spot/P-spot curve, or a tapered tip that slips nicely into the A-spot. When sex educators say, “Some dildos can do things that dicks simply cannot do,” this is generally what we mean.
  • Someone who likes firm penetration. You can find firm realistic toys, but the body-safe ones tend to be made of silicone, and silicone (like human cocks) can only get so hard. Glass, metal, wood, and ceramic, on the other hand, can fuck you just as firmly as you please.
  • Someone who fantasizes about mythical creatures or sci-fi characters and wants a toy that mirrors what’s inside their head. Do you dream of getting dicked down by a dragon, rendezvousing with a robot, or being manhandled by a manticore? Chances are, there’s a dildo for that!
  • Someone who’s interested in temperature play. Materials like metal, glass, and ceramic hold their temperature better and longer than silicone, so generally you’re gonna find better toys for this purpose in the non-realistic category. Pop your toy into a bowl of cool (not ice-cold) or warm (not piping hot) water for a few minutes before playing, and you’ll experience the pleasures of temp play.
  • Someone who has an appreciation for art and aesthetics. That’s not to say penises can’t be gorgeous (my spouse’s is basically a Rembrandt), but they don’t tend to have the visual pizzazz of an elegant metal dildo or a colorful glass one. Plus you can’t exactly display a veiny dick on your nightstand and call it decor, unless you’re, like, Betty Dodson or Andy Warhol.
  • Someone who plans to post photos of their dildo on social media. (Look, I don’t know your life.) A lot of social media platforms will remove images that their algorithms flag as containing nudity, even if what’s being depicted is actually a silicone cock and not a flesh-and-blood one. You can even get banned for posting naughty pics like this, although non-realistic dildos tend to slip past the censors’ sensors uncensured.

 

Who could be happy with either?

  • Someone who just doesn’t have strong preferences either way, even after reading all of the above info.
  • Someone who wants to practice being penetrated, whether that’s because they plan to have sex for the first time soon and want to be prepared, or they haven’t had sex in a while and want to make sure it’ll be comfy when it happens, or they’re exploring a hole they haven’t had penetrated much or ever. You can get both realistic and non-realistic dildos in a broad range of sizes; it’s up to you whether you’d rather practice on something realistically cock-like or something smoother and simpler.
  • Someone who wants to wield a strap-on but has no strong feelings about what their penile prosthesis should look like. If that’s your situation, it might be best to defer to your partner(s) and get whatever they’d most like to be penetrated by. At the very least, you should take their size preferences into account, and ideally pick something that targets their fave internal erogenous zone.
  • Someone who intends to build a wide-ranging sex toy collection over time. You gotta start somewhere!

 

Do you have a preference for one type of dildo over the other? Why do you think that is?

 

Thanks to the folks at Honeysx for sponsoring this post! Check out their informational article, “Dildos 101: Everything You Know About Dildos,” for more details. As always, all writing and opinions here are my own.