Girly Juice

Mini Reviews: Zumio S, Tenga SVR, & Satisfyer Curvy 2+

August 10, 2020August 6, 2020Kate Sloan

In January, a business associate flew me to California to attend ANME – the Adult Novelty Manufacturers’ Expo – to do intel for a prospective sex magazine project I had been hired to co-helm. My friend and I were tasked with cruising the aisles of the event, networking with sex toy companies who might be interested in partnering with us in various ways. The project never ended up materializing (thanks, COVID!) but it was a fun experience nonetheless – and I ended up going home with a handful of new sex toys, natch! Here are a few of them…

The Zumio S is an update on the classic Zumio clitoral oscillator, the king of intense pinpoint stimulation. The S, as its initial might imply, is specifically designed for people with high levels of sensitivity, like me. The tip has been broadened into a small sphere – as opposed to the narrow alien-antenna shape of the original – so its speedy circular oscillation feels less intense and more diffuse. (Oscillation, incase you need a refresher, is different from vibration in that it tends to feel “deeper” and cause less of the transient numbness vibrators can create. It’s the reason my Eroscillator is still my all-time favorite clit toy, bar none.)

Normally, I would not recommend that any toy designers make a weaker version of their product, since there’s a lot you can do to mitigate a too-strong vibrator (use it indirectly, use it through fabric, use an attachment, etc.) but there’s basically nothing you can do if your vibe is too weak, other than cry and see if the store will accept a return. However, in this case, I think Zumio actually made the right call. As I noted in my review, the original Zumio felt waaaay too strong for me, sometimes even on the lowest setting, and I only ever used the first 3 settings out of 8. The revamped S is much chiller and doesn’t make my clit want to run away. I don’t even need to use it through underwear like I did with the first model.

However, as other reviewers have pointed out, the best way to use the Zumio is to hold it against the outer labia (depending on your body – your mileage may vary). When I do this, the oscillations no longer feel like they’re zapping the tip of my clit with pure, overwhelming sensation, the way the first Zumio sometimes did; instead, they travel through my skin and flesh to stimulate the whole shaft of my clit, creating a more profound type of pleasure and much more reliable and pleasurable orgasms. It’s pretty amazing that this vibe is so strong it can get me off through two layers of labia; usually it’s only powerhouse wand vibrators that can do that.

Reviewers’ opinions are all over the map on this, but my general impression is that the Zumio S would be the best choice for the majority of people. If you really, really like intense and targeted clitoral stimulation, maybe the Zumio X or newly-released Zumio E is more your style – but if you’ve ever felt clitorally overwhelmed by a vibe, odds are good the S would be better suited to you. These toys are on the expensive side – $140 Canadian, less in the States – so if you’re at all uncertain about liking pinpoint stimulation, I’d skip ’em and go with a more universally appreciable choice like the Tango or even a Magic Wand. The Zumio line of toys is best for people who really, really adore intensely targeted clit stim – which isn’t always me, but when that’s what I want, I gotta have a Zumio.

I forget whether it was Bex or Kevin Patterson who first turned me on to the Tenga SVR – both of them proselytize this vibe on the regular – but in any case, I’m glad I finally got to try one out. This rechargeable vibrator is technically a cock ring, and sure, you could use it that way… but its shape and motor are such that it also works plenty great on clits. Its best-known “alternate use” is for fingerbanging (ideally fingerbanging other people, though if you’re flexible you could try it on yourself): slip your fingers through the silicone loop and vibrations will transmit through them, even while they’re inside somebody, while the rest of the vibrator can rumble wonderfully against their clit or perineum.

You know how almost every vibrator claims in its marketing copy that it’s powerful, rumbly, quiet, discreet, travel-friendly, and versatile? The Tenga SVR actually is those things. The motor fucking rules: it’s got a great bassy undercurrent of rumbliness that creeps into slightly buzzier territory as you ascend into the heights of its 5 steady speeds, but it’s never the type of annoying, desensitizing buzziness that makes my clit want to cry. The silicone is really soft and sexy to the touch, and easy to clean, especially since the toy is waterproof. This is an easy vibe for me to hold and operate, even when my hands are hurting, because its one button is easy to locate and press, and sliding my fingers through the loop ensures I won’t lose my grip on the toy. Most thoughtfully, the SVR comes with a small, plain plastic storage case that protects it from lint and dust when you toss it in your bag – and it is definitely the type of vibrator I like to toss in my bag, whether for a quick booty-call across the city or an international flight.

In the world of vibrators, the SVR often gets overshadowed by Tenga’s other offerings, many of which look like characters from My Neighbor Totoro. But the SVR is no less good for being so comparatively understated. Rather than blow their design budget on bells and whistles, with this toy Tenga opted to focus on what actually matters in a vibrator (in my view, anyway): power, ergonomics, and versatility. Kudos!

Finally, let’s talk about the Satisfyer Curvy 2+… I received this as-yet-unreleased toy in a swag bag at ANME and it seems it still hasn’t been released in North America yet, over 6 months later. It is, however, available from some international shops, so maybe it’ll make its way over here eventually.

Like all the toys Satisfyer is best known for, the Curvy 2+ uses “Air Pulse technology” to create a clitoral sensation that feels like the exact middle point between receiving cunnilingus from a robot and rhythmically pumping the world’s weakest clit pump. However, this one’s a bit different, for two main reasons: Firstly, it can be controlled via Satisfyer’s smartphone app (which I didn’t test, because I’m sick to death of vibrator apps, but I know some folks love ’em), and secondly, if you flip the toy around, you can use the “handle” as a vibrator. It’s designed for G-spot stimulation, but honestly, with the toy being as short and stout as it is, it’s hard for me to get enough leverage for the type of thrusting my G-spot tends to crave. I do like the curve, though, and sometimes after a clitoral-only masturbation session the likes of which I’ll often have with a Satisfyer, it’s nice to have the option of some penetration to round out the sesh, without needing to break out an additional toy if I don’t feel like it.

The controls of this vibe are somewhat confusing, and even after using it multiple times, I still sometimes can’t figure out how to get it to do what I want. It makes me miss the days when controlling Satisfyer toys was as simple as pressing one button. But if you could master the controls (which probably entails not throwing away the instructions like I did when I assumed the toy would soon be released and would have its manual posted online in PDF form), it would improve your experience a lot, as they allow you to independently control the toy’s vibrations and air pulses.

As you may know, I’m not a fan of sex toy companies stealing other sex toy companies’ designs, and Satisfyer has been particularly egregious on this front. Their “Air Pulse” toys borrow technological innovations that were (as far as I’m aware) developed by Womanizer, but usually they at least put their own design flair on ’em – I still think the Satisfyer Penguin is one of the cutest and best-designed toys in this category. Even less acceptably, though, Satisfyer has also blatantly ripped off vibrator designs from Fun Factory. They don’t seem like a terribly scrupulous company.

I’m (reluctantly) recommending the Curvy 2+ mainly because it’s one of the less expensive actually-decent-quality options available (about $50 USD or $60 CAD – I don’t have exact numbers) in this category of toys, and financial accessibility is important. But do keep in mind that one of the reasons Satisfyer’s able to keep their prices down so low is, I would imagine, the lack of need to spend money on research and development, since they’re so routinely yoinking designs and technology from other companies. But if you deeply desire a pressure-wave toy, need it to be affordable, and live in an area where this one is available, you could do a whole lot worse… in every way except for ethics, that is.

Thanks so much to the folks at Zumio, Tenga, and Satisfyer for providing these products for me to review!

Review: Spartacus Blown Large Realistic Glass Dildo

August 6, 2020August 3, 2020Kate Sloan

You might think being a sex toy reviewer for nearly a decade would’ve expanded my sexual horizons – and in many ways, it has. But in other ways, it’s just allowed me to hone in on which types of toys I really, really like, and skew my collection more and more in the direction of things I specifically adore.

On that note, I will confess to you that there are basically only 2 categories of insertable toys I unreservedly love: glass dildos, and realistic silicone dildos. Sure, there are outliers – chief among them, the stainless steel Njoy Eleven and the lacquered wood NobEssence Seduction – but for the most part, I know what I like and I stick to that.

That’s why it’s such a surprise that it’s taken me this long to acquire and try the Spartacus Blown Large Realistic Glass Dildo (phew, what a mouthful… and a vag-ful). As far as I’m concerned, it’s the best of both worlds: a realistic cock, made of glass. The good folks at Mindful were generous enough to send me one from their extensive smorgasbord of dildos.

Let me say this right upfront: you will not enjoy this dildo if you like internal stimulation that is all soft strokes and satisfying squish. If that’s your deal, but you want something of comparable dimensions, get a VixSkin Bandit instead. This glass dildo is for people who like to get fucked hard, with large, unforgiving objects. People, in other words, like me!

See, the thing is, I love realistic dildos because I love flesh-and-blood cocks. I eroticize the shape of them, the idea, and – sure – the actual physical sensations of them. I know dicks aren’t everyone’s jam, so I won’t try to argue that something about the shape of the coronal ridge and veined shaft of a cock is “designed” to “naturally” pleasure the inside of a vagina. But for me, that feels true. The right dick – paired with lube, a good vibrator, and a partner with decent stamina, patience, and aim – can get me off easily and excellently. This is why I gravitate toward dildos that look like this much-revered human appendage.

But on the other end of the spectrum are glass dildos. Obviously, there are some things dildos can do that flesh dicks simply cannot (and vice versa), and those differences are particularly apparent in toys made of glass. My most sensitive internal spots – the G-spot and the A-spot – tend to like firm pressure once they’re turned on, and sometimes even the hardest of erections just isn’t as hard as I would prefer. It’s not through any failing of these cocks’ owners; it’s just a fact of human biology.

This toy, by contrast, is if like you were hooking up with someone who had one of the biggest* and most pleasurable cocks you’d ever experienced, and suddenly a witch cast a spell on them and turned them to stone (or, in this case, glass). Yeah, that would be horrifying. But also… for me at least, their dick would suddenly start feeling at least 20% better. (Now that I think about it, this sounds like a fantasy that my death-fetishist friend Dick Wound might be into…)

*Important note for those of you who might be worried: bigger does not always equal better. Big dicks are just one item on the menu at the sex buffet. For some people, it’s their favorite item and all they ever prefer. Some people will always like smaller penetration, or none at all. As for me, I’m sometimes a size queen and sometimes I want something smaller, gentler, and/or more targeted. Don’t @ me about this. Your dick is great no matter what size it is, I promise. I just… don’t need to hear details about it in the comments section, okay? 😘

Love a realistic frenulum and coronal ridge.

This Spartacus glass dildo boasts 8 inches of insertable length and a diameter of 1.75 inches at its widest point. That’s pretty hefty, especially if you keep in mind that glass toys tend to feel bigger than silicone toys of the same dimensions because they have no give. I have to be pretty warmed up to take this one, but once I am, it’s incredibly satisfying: the tight fit enables me to feel all the subtle-yet-important veins running along the toy, and there’s more than enough length to reach my A-spot with the tip while the shaft strokes against my G-spot. I find that orgasms, especially, are enhanced by the hugeness and hardness of this toy: my vag clenches around it, pushing it yet more firmly against my erogenous zones in a rhythmic manner while I come. It reminds me of some qualities I love about the Double Trouble, only without the spot-targeting curves.

Yes, this Spartacus dildo is straight as fuck. (I am not commenting on its sexual orientation, which I don’t know. I mean its shape.) Normally I think it’s a bad idea for a toy to be this firm and this curveless; toys along these lines have caused me great pain and discomfort before. Indeed, I do have to be rrrreally turned on and rrrreally lubed up before this toy will start to feel good. But once it’s comfortably inserted, I can use the balls at the base to easily angle the tip upward, into my A-spot, so it bypasses my cervix and rams into only the area that likes to be rammed. However, obviously your mileage may vary – I would be wary of this one if you’ve had a lot of trouble with cervix-bashing toys before and haven’t found angling to be helpful in that regard.

Let’s talk about those balls, though… Balls on realistic dildos are highly controversial among sex toy nerds. Some people hate ’em, some love ’em, some don’t pay the slightest attention to ’em. I’m mostly in that latter category, but I do think that in this case they were a wise choice. As someone whose chronic illness sometimes manifests as pain and weakness in my hands and arms, it’s really important to me that dildos be easy to thrust and manipulate. The base of this dildo – which is wider than normal bases, due to the inclusion of balls – makes it possible for me to angle the toy as needed and thrust it just by rhythmically bumping the heel of my hand against the bottom, even on bad pain days. With the addition of the toy’s prominent veins, this can create a lot of sensation with minimal effort – score. If you want a similar toy without balls, Spartacus makes a ball-less one that’s just a little bit smaller (7″ by 1.5″).

The flared base of this toy makes it anal-safe – and also, fascinatingly, makes it harness-compatible. It’s really hot to think about getting fucked by someone who has a glass cock strapped on – although, if you try this, please be careful; it would be all too easy to painfully ram someone with this toy if you couldn’t feel what you were doing.

My partner has fucked me with this toy by hand and they noted that it’s easy to thrust (thanks again, balls!) and very pretty to look at. The veins make it a bit of a nightmare to clean, but if you scrub it with a washcloth or scrub brush while you’re soaping it up, you should be alright.

Overall I’m quite enamored with this Spartacus glass dildo. I hope we start to see more toys crop up in the “realistic glass” category. Dicks are lovely; glass is lovely; the combination of the two is a joy.

Thanks so much to Mindful for sending me this dildo to review! They have a fantastic selection of dildos in countless different shapes, sizes, and materials for you to peruse. Did you know that they rebranded recently? They used to be called My First Blush; I gotta say I like the name Mindful better! Their mission is all about providing high-quality products and exceptional customer service. Sounds good to me!

This post was sponsored, which means I was paid to write a fair and honest review. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Loungewear in the Time of Coronavirus: A Wishlist

August 3, 2020August 1, 2020Kate Sloan

Silk nightgowns are the ultimate in loungewear glamour, IMO.

For those of us privileged enough to still be able to stay home while the global pandemic rages on outside, loungewear has become an important consideration. This category of clothing that otherwise may have been reserved for weekends and evenings is now creeping into the everyday, as we seek comfort both physically and emotionally.

Clothing retailers are reporting record sales in this category since COVID kicked in, which makes sense. I, too, have been expanding my collection of comfy clothes – but as any fashion-conscious materialist will tell you, there’s always more to want! Here are some lounge-appropriate items I’ve been lusting after lately…

Gap Dreamwell Tiered Dress in “Off-White Geo Dot”

Have you checked out the Gap’s “Dreamwell” collection recently? It’s full of sleepwear essentials in comfy fabrics and fun prints. It’s also the perfect name for such a section; if a friend asked me during a Skype chat what I was wearing, it’d feel so much more glamorous to say “It’s Dreamwell, darling” than to simply call it pajamas or a nightgown!

This froofy little number reminds me of this recent article by Rachel Syme about the “Nap Dress,” a creation by Hill House. However, the actual Nap Dresses are frankly way more expensive and way more matronly than I’d prefer, so I like this Gap nightgown better. It looks like the sort of thing you could roll around in on insomniac nights if need be, and that wouldn’t cause you to wake up sweaty after a humid summer night.

There’s also just something so iconic about a white dress. I imagine I would wear this out of the house at some point – I’m big on reappropriating sleepwear as streetwear if at all appropriate – and I doubt I could resist standing on a subway grate to have a bit of a Marilyn moment.

Playboy x MissGuided Pink Bunny Oversized T-Shirt Dress

I have a secret habit of scrolling through eBay and Etsy late at night, looking at vintage Playboy merch from decades past. They’ve made some truly wild things: I’ve found Playboy-branded martini glasses, pink leather jackets, even a cake pan.

There was a time when I looked down my nose at this brand – they’re not exactly known as a paragon of female empowerment, to say the least. But their mission seems to have changed a lot over the years; as of this writing, there was a Black Lives Matter section on their homepage, along with articles about erotic knife play, the racism of drug laws, and how BDSM interacts with mental health. Increasingly, I feel like rocking their logo on my person – while definitely capitalistic and materialistic – would be more of a progressive statement than a regressive one.

All of that said, I need to draw your attention to MissGuided’s collaboration collection with Playboy. It’s full of athleisure gems that would look just as good on the street as they would in your bed. This loose T-shirt particularly caught my eye because of the cute hue and the soft jersey fabric. Imagine waking up beside your lover in this – you’d feel as foxy as a centerfold!

Re Ona Scoop Long-Sleeve Bodysuit in Black

Re Ona is a Black-owned business (thanks to the Zoe Report for introducing me to them!) that focuses on simple basics. Most of their pieces are available in just 2-3 colors and are all about clean lines and classic shapes.

This bodysuit is made of a double-layered viscose/spandex blend that would make it heavenly for lounging around in (so long as you can put up with the thong back, which I know some people aren’t into). But it’s also designed so that you can wear it under jeans, shorts, or a skirt, without needing to worry about panty lines or the kind of riding-up that happens when you wear a T-shirt this way.

With its deep scoop-neck and PANTY SNAP CLOSURE (!!), this bodysuit is almost impossibly sexy, and also very easy to get in and out of when you need to pee (normally an urgent struggle in any bodysuit/romper/onesie). This is the kind of infinitely useful basic piece you could wear 100 times and still have more ideas about how and where to wear it.

Yoga Jeans Rachel Skinny Jeans in “Red Lip”

Okay, normally I would not consider jeans to be loungewear – days when I’m wearing jeans are days when I strip naked IMMEDIATELY upon arriving home. Begone, leg prisons!!

However, having owned a pair of Yoga Jeans for years (mine are these same ones in the color “Orchidée“), I can attest that they are shockingly comfortable and stretchy. This company – which, by the way, makes all its jeans right here in Canada in an eco-friendly and sustainable way – is called Yoga Jeans because you supposedly can do yoga while wearing their pants, due to their fabric which is specially designed for “4-way stretch.” Pretty neat!

I’m including these mostly because I know it sometimes doesn’t feel great to wear loungewear day after day when you’d rather dress up a little – but at the same time, you don’t always have the energy to put a whole fancy outfit together. For some people (like me), the ideal solution to this problem is fancy nightgowns or silk robes – but for some people, maybe a garment that looks like jeans but feels like yoga pants is the better pick! (These are also available in basic navy denim and honestly, I am tempted.)

Calvin Klein Sophisticated Lounge Sleep Pants in Black

Calvin Klein made one of my favorite nightgowns ever, which I’ve worn many many times both as sleepwear and as a base layer for various outdoors-appropriate outfits, so I trust this brand for my loungin’ needs.

I wouldn’t blame you if you looked at this image and at first assumed the model was wearing a full-length black dress – but no, that’s actually two separate pieces, one of which is this WILDLY wide-legged pair of pants. They describe it as “an updated Calvin Klein ’90s silhouette” but I think this shape actually would’ve looked delightfully out-there in almost any decade.

Made of modal – which is, IMO, the best material for any clothes you’re gonna lounge in, bar none – I suspect these would make you feel like a Greek god(dess) swishing around on a sunny day. It’s great to feel runway-level fashion-forward while you’re just lying in bed drinking coffee and reading a book!

Are you rocking lots of loungewear/sleepwear lately? Any favorite pieces you want to gush about in the comments?

A note for full disclosure: None of the links in this post are affiliate links, because most clothing retailers wouldn’t dream of accepting a sex blogger into their program – so if you want to support me as a writer (which I always appreciate very very much), you’ll have to pick a different avenue!

Monthly Faves: Temperature Play & Time Loops

August 1, 2020August 1, 2020Kate Sloan

It’s been a rocky month for me health-wise (I’m sure many of you can relate), but some things still made me smile and propelled me forward. Here are some faves from July…

Media

• I cannot express to you how much the Bad Dog Theatre’s weekly livestream of their dating-focused hit improv show Hookup improves my mood and my life. They are doing some of the most inspired, masterful improv I’ve ever seen – OVER ZOOM! EVERY WEEK! FOR FREE! (Although, you should also donate to the Bad Dog so they can stay in operation.) Also, incidentally, if you are single and would like to be interviewed for the show, they’re always looking for people like you.

• As I’ve mentioned, during the pandemic I’ve fallen back into a long-standing Pokémon preoccupation (I’ve been playing these games since about ’98-’99, YEESH). As a result, I’ve been re-watching Chuggaaconroy’s playthrough of Pokémon Crystal, and marveling at how he manages to be both hilarious and informative in every video. Apparently I am destined to have crushes on nerdy boys for ever and ever.

• The movie Palm Springs is new to Hulu and stars Andy Samberg and Cristin Milioti in a Groundhog Day-esque time loop. Interestingly, although it’s a comedy with a lot of laughs, it deals with some of the darker and more haunting aspects of living in an infinite time loop (e.g. feeling suicidal, ceasing to care about your own life) in a way that reminds me of the struggle of living with depression. It’s really been a delight to watch that goofy kid from Lazy Sunday grow up into such a thoughtful and nuanced actor.

• The new edition of The Adventure Zone graphic novel series came out this month, and it happens to be the instalment in which the character named after me is featured! (Details here, if you’re curious.) As per usual for this series, I have to especially congratulate Carey Pietsch for her brilliant and expressive illustrations. I’ve been listening to these characters and their stories for so many years and it’s an oddly emotional experience seeing them translated into visual form!

• One of my favorite YouTubers, as I’ve mentioned before, is Greg of How to Drink, and he’s been doing a lot of Q&A livestreams these past few months. This recent one hit me right in the feels – it’s basically a 90-minute lecture where Greg discusses his mental health and his history in freelancing and odd jobs, and advises viewers on getting out of their shitty employment situations and starting up their passion projects. I could not look away for basically the entire duration of this video. What a charismatic man.

Products

• My chronic pain has been pretty much constant lately, and often pretty debilitating, resulting in lessened productivity and efficiency – so I allocated some of my book advance funds toward buying a refurbished iPad mini. I remembered hearing that Esmé Wang apparently wrote her entire last book, The Collected Schizophrenias (which is a literal work of genius), on an iPad, because her chronic illness causes fatigue and weakness that can make it difficult to sit up for long stretches. So far, the iPad, paired with a bright turquoise Adonit Mark stylus, has been a great tool for me for both work and leisure.

• I really need to write a post here about decadent loungewear in the time of COVID-19, because I’ve stepped up my lounge game quite significantly these past few months… My most recent acquisition was a black modal long-sleeved hooded onesie from MeUndies (clicking that link will apparently get you 20% off if you want anything from them). It’s currently a bit too warm here to wear it, but I’m so looking forward to spending cozy autumn days swathed in soft modal from head to toe.

• The vintage-inspired, elegantly simple Coach Rambler bag was on sale recently so I ordered one in the “hibiscus” color. I’m not normally much for small handbags but this one is actually kind of the perfect fashionable vessel for the coronavirus era… It has room enough for my wallet, sunglasses, hand sanitizer, and a book or journal, but doesn’t need to be large enough for my laptop because I’m still not going anywhere outside the home to get work done. (*cries softly into my cup of shitty instant coffee from the pantry*)

• I bought this citrus juicer a while back, solely because it was bright yellow and the other options available were boring, but my cocktail-savvy partner later told me this one is particularly good for people with strength/grip issues in their hands, like me – score! When Matt went home this month after being my live-in bartender (and, y’know, temporarily live-in beloved partner) for 4 months, it felt really empowering and uplifting to be able to make my own cocktails, even relatively complex ones. (If you’re curious about makin’ drankz, this Bartender’s Choice app is Matt’s recommendation and makes it really easy to not only find drink recipes to make but also learn about their histories.)

Work & Appearances

• This month on the Dildorks, we discussed conversational skills (twice), how my chronic pain interacts with sex and kink, and how Bex’s ADHD affects his dating life. Did you know next week is our TWO-HUNDREDTH EPISODE?!?

• In my newsletter, I wrote about temperature play involving ice cubes, how long-distance relationships make me feel about my body, why the iPad mini is the best device to watch porn on, being “enough” even when I don’t feel like enough, and slapping my partner’s cock until they came.

• As mentioned, I really loved the movie Palm Springs – and on one random energetic evening this month, I felt inspired to write a piece of sexy fanfiction about it, which is only the 3rd piece of fic for this movie on the entirety of AO3 as far as I can tell. I hope people write more! I sure might…

• Andy Shauf released a couple of new songs this month that were cut from his concept album The Neon Skyline, which is about a recently-dumped sadsack of a man trying to get over his ex by drinking his troubles away at a Parkdale diner with his pals. One of these B-sides, “Jeremy’s Wedding,” seems to be about the almost universally awkward experience of having to attend a wedding where your most painful ex is also a guest. I learned it on the ukulele and covered it on YouTube.

Good Causes

• Immigration has been, as I’m sure you know, a hot-button issue throughout the term of the current fascist and racist American president. An organization doing great work in this area is the Black Alliance for Just Immigration, which, in their own words, “educates and engages African American and Black immigrant communities to organize and advocate for racial, social and economic justice.”

• The Black Legal Action Center provides free legal assistance for low-income Black residents of Ontario, where I live. What with all the protests against police brutality lately – which, as you’ve likely seen, are infuriatingly being literally beaten down with yet more police brutality – tons of folks are getting arrested and jailed on very little basis, if any, so this is a timely cause to contribute to. (But let’s be real: given the disproportionate rates at which the legal system targets Black folks, this is always a timely cause.)

• I am thinking so much about how the pandemic and its fallout will affect the arts industries, and yeesh, y’all – it ain’t lookin’ good. The Black Art Futures Fund gives out grants “promoting the elevation and preservation of Black arts & culture” and runs largely on donations.

• Want to support a burgeoning Black-owned business? Wendy is starting a magical bath biz and could use your dollars and signal-boosts.

• My friend Sugarcunt, a fellow sex writer (and honestly one of the funniest and kindest humans I’ve ever met), is raising rent funds so they can avoid getting evicted.

On Using Dating Sites During a Pandemic

July 30, 2020August 3, 2020Kate Sloan

At the beginning of this pandemic, I thought, “Guess nobody’s gonna be dating for a while” – but my friends are proving me wrong.

It’s been fascinating to observe. I have friends who’ve logged onto OkCupid just to have flirty, esoteric text chats with strangers, friends who’ve sipped coffee on Zoom dates with cute new beaux also sipping coffee in their apartment across town, and friends who’ve even met up with potential paramours for socially-distanced park picnics or patio hangs. Knowing and trusting that my friends are staying smart and staying safe (to the best of their ability within a harm-reduction framework), I admire their ingenuity in the face of the lockdown loneliness that’s hit many people hard.

I myself have even scrolled through Tinder once in a while during this global crisis (old habits die hard), looking to strike up a volley of banter with someone hot and smart. It’s not that I’m necessarily looking for new partners or dates – in fact, I very much do not have the energy for that these days, and wouldn’t feel safe meeting up with strangers just yet. It’s that I miss the sense of serendipity and possibility that comes with, say, discovering the guy sitting next to you at the cocktail bar loves the same longform improv troupe you do, or blushing when the cute clerk at the bodega tells you she likes your dress. These little hits of romantic “what if?” are so small, and rarely lead to anything more (for me, at least), but some days they are the social fuel that keeps me going. So if asking random Tinder folks offbeat questions just for the sake of conversation is the safest way to access that feeling these days, I commend anyone who chooses to do it in order to hold onto their social sanity and sense of hope.

Here are some crucial commandments to follow – in my opinion, which is not necessarily the wisest and certainly not the most medically informed opinion, mind you! – if you want to use dating services for just such purposes while we wait for a vaccine and a return to quasi-normalcy:

Pick the right site/app for you. This is always the first step I recommend when embarking on online-dating adventures, because these days, the options are so plentiful and so varied that you can actually tailor your choice to your tastes and priorities. Click around the site/app to get a sense for its overall culture and what its users are generally into, whether that be casual hookups, long-term relationships, non-monogamy, or whatever else. If you’re not sure, you can also read reviews (like this Uberhorny review) of the site/app you’re considering using. Pro tip: I would imagine that sites and apps which have actively issued safety warnings to their users about COVID-19 – like Tinder and Grindr – are likelier to have cultures wherein fewer mask-eschewers and “plandemic” believers can fester.
Be upfront about your intentions, ideally right in your bio so no one has to waste time on you if their desires don’t align with yours. If you’re only up for phone dates and Skype dates for the next several months, say so. If you’re hopeful that that’ll include phone sex, sexting, or what-have-you, say so. If you’re looking for someone to actually meet up with IRL during all this, say so – and include information about what safety measures you would expect to implement around that, and what you’d expect from a potential date in that arena. I know this isn’t the most “chill” stuff to put on your profile, but look, we’re not living in “chill” times.
Don’t lower your standards just because times are tough and pickings are slim. Yeah, maybe all you’re seeking is a torrid sexting session with a rando, but you still deserve a rando who’s polite, respectful, and makes you feel good! Try to remember what your dating priorities were before this mess started (I know, it can be difficult to hearken back to The Before) and do your best to seek people who line up with that. It’s true that priorities can change in troubling times, but the basic facts are always still there: you don’t need to put up with people you find rude, entitled, or boring. You still deserve the high-quality connections you want – whatever that means to you – even if circumstances feel pretty different now.
Make digital dates feel like “real” dates in whatever ways work for you. That might be dressing up, lighting some candles, tidying your room, making yourself a nice meal or cocktail to enjoy while you chat with your new cutie, or something else entirely. The ritual of dating has always been one of my favorite things about it, and if that’s true for you too, it’d be a pity to miss out on that comfort and excitement just because you’re stuck at home. You don’t have to have that sexting session while wearing dirty sweatpants and rocking unbrushed teeth – in fact, you’d probably feel much sexier during the convo if you didn’t!
Come prepared with questions or games, because – as you might know – phone dates and Skype dates can be a little awkward at first. True, in-person dates can also be weird as fuck, but most of us have more experience with them and know how to navigate their weirdnesses better. In case of uncomfortable silences, you can usually remark on something in your environment or ask the bartender a question or whatever – not so when you’re holed up in the same bedroom you’ve been stuck in for ages! Plus, most of us have had fewer everyday social interactions these past few months than we did before, so our ability to be smooth and chatty may have eroded slightly. If I was trying to meet new dates online at this time, I would prep a few interesting questions to ask my date, and frame it (if necessary) as a game where we ask each other questions – or just set it up by simply saying, “Can I ask you something weird that I’m curious about?” You could even send your date this list of questions and take turns asking each other things.
Allow for adjustments if and when you end up meeting a new beau in person, whether that’s a few weeks from now or way out in the future when the pandemic has died down significantly. I recently interviewed dating expert Camille Virginia about finding love in the time of coronavirus, and she reminded me that intimacy and rapport can feel very different online than they do offline – so your super-hot phone-sex pal might not immediately turn your crank once you can actually touch them, smell them, and see how they move through the world, but that’s okay. It takes time to adjust to each other’s in-person conversational rhythms and quirky mannerisms. “If you had a great connection over video or phone calls, try to establish a new norm with that in person,” Camille says, “because it’s a different way of being with each other. Give it a little longer.”