5 Reasons to Buy Sex Toys in Person at a Sex Shop

Kate Sloan

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, you might have a sex toy purchase in mind, whether you’re hoping to wow your partner or just have a nice night getting sexy solo at home. While it may be tempting to hop onto an online retailer’s site (like those of my lovely affiliates and advertisers whose banners you see in the sidebar!), overall I think the physical sex shops in your area are a better bet – and in many ways, more pleasant and fun!

If you’re not sure where to go, don’t fret – lots of websites publish sex shops listings in your city, like my friend JoEllen’s Superhero Sex Shops series. Here are 5 reasons I would counsel you to go to a physical store rather than shopping online…

 

1. The salespeople are knowledgeable. I mean, if the store is worth its salt, anyway. A good sex toy salesperson will be able to recommend toys within your budget that meet your needs. They often also know useful info about material safety, lube compatibility, and product warranties. And if you come across a toy that makes you go “???” it’ll definitely be much easier to get an explanation out of a real live person than it would be to parse the sometimes-vague sales copy accompanying that same toy on a website somewhere. A helpful sex toy pro can be a godsend!

 

2. You get a better sense for the toys. Even when a toy’s measurements are listed online, it can often be hard to really understand just how big it is until you’ve seen it and held it in person. The internet also doesn’t allow you to feel how strong or rumbly a toy’s vibrations are, how firm or squishy its material is, how solidly or shoddily it’s constructed, how ergonomic it is to hold, and many other factors that could tangibly contribute to how well a toy will work for you and your body. Touching and looking at a toy you’re considering buying “in the flesh” can be a game-changer!

 

3. It’s faster. This close to Valentine’s Day, who has time to wait around for an unreliable postal service to get your toys to you?! When I worked in sex toy retail, I noticed that a lot of customers came in because they needed something immediately, whether it be a box of condoms, a bottle of lube, an enema to prep for an impromptu anal sex session, or (in one memorably gorgeous sex worker’s case) a cheap vibrator to use with a client. When you’re in a pinch, sex shops can help you out – and even driving to a shop in the next town over is likelier to be faster than ordering from any website.

 

4. It helps keep shops open. For the same reasons I’d encourage you to shop at local bookstores rather than loading up your cart on Amazon (which is demonstrably evil), I also think you should give your money to local brick-and-mortar sex toy stores when you can. They are an invaluable community resource, especially in a world which demonizes and suppresses factual sex education. Even if you don’t personally care whether these shops stay open or not, think of the 16-year-old girl who wants to buy her first vibrator behind her parents’ back so she can enjoy sex with her boyfriend more, or the 14-year-old trans kid looking for his first binder or packer, or the 72-year-old woman who doesn’t know what a modem is but wants to finally learn about her clitoris. Physical sex shops can be life-changing for these kinds of people and so many more.

 

5. It’s fun! Seriously, if you’ve never taken a partner to a sex shop, you are missing out. It can be flirtation and negotiation rolled into one, as you stroll the aisles and ask each other, “Would you ever use this?” or “What do you think of this?” Even if you go solo, shopping in person is very different from doing it online, because you’re more likely to stumble upon things you might have never otherwise considered but that pique your interest nonetheless. Introduce a little serendipity and spontaneity into your day – and your sex life – by strolling into a sex shop and seeing what’s on offer!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

A Dating Site For Non-Monogamous People

Kate Sloan

One of the biggest questions I get from readers – whether they’re kinky, demisexual, polyamorous, or any other off-the-beaten-path sexual minority – is “How do I meet people like me?”

It’s a fair question. When you’ve grown up already having non-standard sexual desires, it’s easy to feel isolated – and since the fulfilment of these desires often hinges on meeting other humans who are also into them, the whole ordeal can sometimes feel futile. “Why did I bother figuring out my shit and coming out,” you might wonder from time to time, “if I can’t meet anyone halfway decent to explore this stuff with?!”

Enter SwingTowns: a dating and networking site for swingers, polyamorists, and non-monogamists of various other stripes. Hallelujah!

When I signed up for an account, I was instantly impressed with the multitude of options SwingTowns offers its users to identify their gender and sexual orientation. These drop-down menus include (for gender) butch, crossdresser, femme, genderfluid, genderqueer, intersex, man, other, trans – F to M, trans – M to F, transgender, and woman, and (for sexual orientation) asexual, bicurious, bisexual, “bisituational,” gay, heteroflexible, homoflexible, lesbian, other, pansexual, queer, straight, and unsure. While these lists certainly aren’t exhaustive, I’m not sure it’s possible to make an exhaustive list of all the ways people can identify – and SwingTowns certainly has most other dating sites beat in this regard.

I also like that you’re able to choose to identify publicly as poly (“looking for friendships and emotional connection that may evolve into sex later”), a swinger (“looking for sex or sexual activities that may evolve into more sex and friendships later”), both, neither, or “other.” These are pretty broad categories, and certainly not all poly people or swingers would agree with the definitions given, but I do notice a pretty distinct schism between these two types of non-monogamist and their proclivities and codes of ethics in the communities I run in, so it’s nice to be able to state upfront what your basic relationship style is. You can also create a profile as either an individual, a couple, a polycule (3 or more people), or a club/group.

SwingTowns supplies good prompts for (optionally) filling out sections of your profile – it asks you, for example, what kind(s) of person you’re looking for, what your fantasies and desires are, and “Is there anything else you want people to know about you?” It doesn’t require your real or full name, and it doesn’t require photos that show your face.

As one would hope for a site of this nature, SwingTowns has granular privacy settings which allow you to change, for example, which users can see your photos, who can message you, who can see your profile at all, and so on. There’s also a blocking feature, and a reporting feature, though I can’t say for sure how robust these are (I have yet to find a dating site/app that really emphasizes safety and an anti-harassment stance as fervently as I would like). You can also filter out particular demographics – say, straight men – from your searches, though it’s unclear to me if you can ban them from being able to see you altogether. (You can, however, easily just reject every request you get from a straight man trying to view your profile or message you.)

I have had a few exchanges with actual humans on SwingTowns – mostly with couples seeking a unicorn for a threesome, or dudes “looking for some fun” – but many of the messages I’ve received on the site have been invitations to groups or meetups for swingers local to particular areas near me, like Hamilton and Niagara. To that end, I wonder if this site might be especially useful for non-monogamists who also happen to be vanilla – there’s a fair number of non-monogamy groups and events listed on FetLife, the social networking site for kinksters, but despite the high rate of overlap between the kinky community and the non-monogamous community, not all eschewers of monogamy are perverts in other ways!

The FetLife comparison is apt, because like that site, this one is nowhere near as slick and modern as a high-budget dating site like OkCupid. The interface is often clunky, confusing, and hard to navigate. For example, when someone requests access to my profile, looking at their profile doesn’t bring up options to accept or reject their request – as far as I can tell, you have to do that from the email SwingTowns sends you to notify you of the request. The site sends a lot of emails, by the way: I would recommend examining your notification settings ASAP upon joining, so as to shut off the deluge of emails you’re sure to receive – unless you want them!

There’s an ill-considered Tinder facsimile that shows you a photo of a user and allows you to “pass” on them or “like” them, but often the photos don’t contain faces or any meaningful details because this is the type of site where people would largely rather remain anonymous (understandably), so the “swiping” system is pretty hard to use successfully – especially since, when you click on someone’s photo to try to learn more about them, very often access to the person’s profile is restricted and has to be specifically requested. I can see how it would be challenging to create a system where people can feel safe sharing their private info (even just the fact that they’re non-monogamous, which, to some people, is very private info) while also making it easy to sift through potential matches. SwingTowns’ system is far from perfect, but it’s a noble attempt and I think they’ll keep working to make it better.

You can upgrade to SwingTowns’ premium membership plan for $17/month (last I checked, anyway) or a discounted “lifetime” price. Similar to OkCupid’s “A-List” membership and other such services, this one gives you better search tools for finding matches, advanced privacy settings, and a few other perks that would make it easier to use the site. However, the basic features would work just fine for connecting with other non-monogamous people, groups, and events in your area – which, of course, is the whole point. It may not be the most polished dating site on the web, but given how hard it can be to find experienced and enthusiastic non-monogamous folks on standard dating services, I think the trade-off in ease of use is worthwhile for the types of connections you could make on a site like this.

 

This review was sponsored, which means that SwingTowns paid me to write an honest, fair review of their service. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The 10 Best Things I’ve Ever Done For My Mental Health

Kate Sloan

When I got my first mental illness diagnosis in high school (seasonal affective disorder), I was bewildered. Up until then I had thought of myself as an eminently sane person, always sharp and on top of things. I’ve learned so much in the years since – not least of which, that mentally ill people can still be incredibly sharp and on top of things!

While I got that first diagnosis nearly a decade and a half ago, I haven’t always been great at managing my symptoms or processing my feelings. It’s been a slow learning process, and I still have a lot of work to do. But incase this is helpful info for any of you, here are the 10 biggest things I’ve done to improve my sense of mental and emotional balance and calm. A lot of these things are immensely complicated, though they may sound simple – but regardless, I’m glad to have done every single one of them.

Went on meds. This is an obvious one but it’s one you should at least consider if you’ve never tried it. For a long time I avoided asking my doctors about depression medication because I thought my low moods were mostly circumstantial, not neurochemical – but I eventually learned that depression easily masquerades as a simple reaction to shitty circumstances in your life. I went on sertraline (generic Zoloft) for a short period, but the sexual side effects (for me: genital numbness and inability to orgasm) were a dealbreaker. Years later, I went on bupropion (Wellbutrin), one of the only depression meds not known to cause sexual side effects. I’ve been on it for over a year now, and while I definitely still have my depressed days, overall my mood is markedly better.

Got a SAD lamp. Well, more accurately, my parents got me a SAD lamp – in 2007. Remarkably, it still works today even though I’ve never replaced the lightbulbs?! Well-played, Day-Light. This useful gadget shines bright, specially-toned light in your face, and is known to alleviate depression for some people, especially those with seasonal affective disorder. When I’m feeling lethargic and gloomy, I’ll often sit at my desk and read, write, or watch something on my computer while the lamp is on. About 30-45 minutes of daily lamp time does wonders for my mood and energy levels.

Moved out of an unhealthy living environment… and into a room with a much bigger window. A twofer! My last roommate, for reasons partly under her control, regularly aggravated my mental and physical health problems with her habits and behaviors. Maybe other people could live with her, but I sure couldn’t, so I got out of there and moved in with a friend – and I’ve felt much calmer, happier, and healthier since then. It helps that almost one entire wall of my current room is taken up by a ginormous window, since – as we’ve discussed – my depression is very responsive to light or lack thereof.

Started using marijuana medicinally. I mean, I use it recreationally too. But becoming aware of its potential therapeutic benefits for my particular body and brain was a game-changer. High-CBD strains are great when my anxiety throws me off the rails, while more THC-centric strains enable me to rediscover joy, laughter, and pleasure when I’m so depressed that these things feel inaccessible. Weed also helps enormously with my chronic pain – so, while I can’t really use it when I’m working and need to stay sharp, on many difficult days it helps me push through my physical and emotional symptoms so I can function and get stuff done.

Learned CBT techniques in therapy. I’ve been to several different therapists and most of them weren’t that helpful to me, honestly. I never found it terribly useful to talk through my day-to-day trials and tribulations with someone who lacked the proper context and knowledge to really help me (e.g. a familiarity with polyamory or kink). Cognitive-behavioral therapy, on the other hand, involves “homework” – assignments, whether written down or more experiential, that help you practice cognitive strategies for improving your moods and your life. Not everyone finds CBT beneficial, largely because it presupposes that your mental discomfort is at least partly the result of errors in thinking, rather than having a neurochemical basis. But errors in thinking do contribute to my depression and anxiety, and correcting those errors using CBT is often markedly helpful for me.

Codified my coping strategies. By which I mean: wrote them down in many places where I’ll see them every day, and eventually memorized some of them such that they will usually come to mind as plausible options even when I’m too depressed to think. This might sound small and obvious, but it’s not – my depressed brain is very bad at knowing how to even take small steps toward improving how I feel, so it’s important that I keep practicing and reminding myself of the coping strategies that work, in any way I can.

Subscribed to several podcasts I love. Podcasts are one of the first distractions I turn to when I need to take my mind off my emotional malaise. They pull me out of my own brain and absorb me with their stories and jokes. Whether I’m listening to a comedy advice show hosted by genial brothers, a sharp play-by-play of a famous historical incident, or a roast of a terrible movie, podcasts make me feel less alone, and less wrapped up in my own problems.

Strengthened my journaling habit. I’ve always journaled, but since developing mental health conditions, I’ve started to view this practice as less optional and more necessary. Emotional processing is immensely valuable, and I also like being able to look back at old journal entries and see that the things I was so scared about, or depressed by, rarely turned out to be as bad as they seemed. That knowledge and perspective gives me strength I would otherwise find hard to access.

Committed to daily to-do lists. Alexandra Franzen calls hers a checklist; call yours whatever you want! All I know is that before I started keeping a to-do list every weekday – which, incidentally, my dominant has access to – I was much more scattered than I am now. I had less of a sense of what needed to get done, and accordingly, less of a sense of how much I’d truly achieved by the end of a long day – and how much celebration that merited! Checking items off a list gives the brain a hit of dopamine that can be really calming and centering, for a depressed person or really for anyone. I highly recommend it.

Started talking about mental health with my loved ones more regularly. I feel like it’s become much more acceptable to discuss this kind of thing, publicly and privately, over the past decade or two. Although I am sometimes tempted to keep my struggles internal so I don’t have to trouble anyone else with them, I always feel better after talking through my moods with a trusted pal, partner, or family member. Their support is monumental.

What strategies have helped you most with your mental health?

Monthly Faves: Creeps, Couture, & California

Kate Sloan

This month was a wacky one: I traveled too much, worked too much, and had too much sex (okay, actually, maybe not enough). Here are some January highlights…

Sex toys

• I was so excited when I saw that We-Vibe has launched a new wand vibe, and when they offered me one to review. It does not disappoint: it’s waterproof and rechargeable, the vibrations are rumbly and strong, and you can use standard-sized wand attachments with it but it’s more ergonomic and sleek than your average wand. There are some problems with the controls scheme on mine (I’ll say more about that when I do a full review), but overall I’m quite pleased with this toy. Thanks, We-Vibe!

• Another We-Vibe thing: they sent me their new Chorus vibe in a vibrant, glittery pink (eee!) and my partner controlled it via the We-Connect app during a phone sex session. I’m very impressed with the motor, and with the way this toy stays connected to the app way more consistently than previous iterations. My partner still finds that the app is too buggy and imprecise for their style of dominance; hopefully We-Vibe will update it and smooth things out.

• I revisited the Zumio S this month after chatting with a Zumio employee at ANME and thinking, “Huh, I haven’t used that thing in a while.” The slightly wider tip really does help to diffuse this toy’s intense oscillations so they’re more tolerable for folks with sensitive clits like moi. Orgasms with this toy are always zanily intense!

Fantasy fodder

• I’ve dug into season 2 of Netflix’s You, a quirky dramedy about a pathological stalker and murderer who’s also a mega-romantic. It has been described as “Dawson’s Creek meets Dexter” and that’s pretty spot-on. There are a few sex scenes in this show, but my favorite and most-fantasized-about one will always be the first one with Beck from season 1, where (spoiler alert) our deranged hero Joe finally gets to bang the girl he’s been crushing on, and… comes, instantly. (As we’ve discussed, I definitely have a premature ejaculation kink!) That sense of desperation, of “I’m so lucky to be here” and “I can’t believe this is really happening,” gives me alllll sorts of kink feelings about Joe – and it’s especially interesting juxtaposed with the way he also seems to want to be a dom and/or a vaguely daddy-esque figure to the women he dates.

• One of my frequent fantasies while receiving oral sex lately has been about a sexual dystopia where clitoral suction – as opposed to a more licking-centric style of cunnilingus – is so stigmatized that you have to seek it out in secret from skilled underground practitioners. Why is my brain like this? I don’t know.

Sexcetera

• The deadline for my book was on the 17th, and I managed to get my draft submitted 2 days early! I’m still acclimatizing myself to having so much extra time and brain-space after working so hard on this project for months upon months… It’s supposed to come out in March 2021, so sit tight!

• It was lovely to be able to attend ANME Founders in Burbank this year – although admittedly, my body was not thrilled about the jet lag and long flights! In any case, I got to hang out with my best friend, see what’s new in the sex toy industry, and chat with some industry pals – all under the California sun. ☀️

• Sextistics: this month I had in-person sex 21 times and phone sex 9 times, totaling 30 sessions.

Fashion & beauty

• I was traveling for more than half of this month, so skincare became extra important to me – planes and stress turn my skin to garbage which, in turn, makes me feel like garbage! I’ve been enjoying Kate Somerville exfoliation products, and serums by The Ordinary.

• Been kinda obsessed with designer shoes lately. First there was the royal blue Loubs. Then there was the sky blue Manolos. Then there was the simple, pointy black Cole Haans. I think that’s all I need for now, but staring at fancy shoes online sure calms me down when I feel overwrought.

• In December, I cut my hair short! I love it. Products by DevaCurl have become must-haves for me now. Scrunch, scrunch, scrunch!

Media

• Did you know John Mulaney made a kids’ special called John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch? I expected it to be fairly silly, and it is, but it’s also stuck with me a lot since I watched it. Jake Gyllenhaal’s guest appearance as an unhinged music teacher is a highlight – but I gotta say, my favorite song in the show is definitely “I Saw A White Lady Standing On The Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once A Week).”

• If you’re not listening to You’re Wrong About yet, you are MISSING OUT. I’m usually not much for podcasts that discuss historical or news events in painstaking detail, but this one is exceptional, not least because the two hosts are some of the most empathetic, thoughtful humans ever to sit in front of a microphone. Their current multi-part series on the O.J. Simpson trial is magnificent.

• Andy Shauf’s new album The Neon Skyline is the fictional, musicalized story of one drunken, heartbroken night at a Toronto dive bar. As with everything Andy writes, it’s lovely and occasionally devastating.

Little things

Ringing in the new year with kisses and eggnog in New Jersey. Being overdressed for Starbucks. Obliging doormen. Matt reading my book chapters aloud to me every night during the writing process. A big night out for family-style Italian food and Hamilton. Dirty gin martinis. Getting ridiculously dressed up for a very fancy party. Matt taking my heels off me and putting my flats on me in the lobby of a luxury hotel. Lovably persnickety bartenders. Getting to write about Tegan and Sara for Herizons mag (it’ll be in the next issue, I think). Surprising Matt with tickets to Little Shop for their birthday (it greatly surpassed my already-high expectations). John from Uberlube announcing “Who wants lube?!” and handing out bottles of the stuff. Strategizing over fast food lunches. Bex domming me back to our hotel room when I accidentally got way too high on California weed. Editing my book for 5 hours in the Burbank Marriott lobby, and then getting veggie pasta and Southsides while reading Oliver Sacks. Cashing big checks. Buying new glasses (much-needed). Jazz and cocktails at the Flatiron Room. Watching Jacqueline Novak rant about blowjobs for an hour. Meeting cool people from Twitter for good drinks and good conversation. A sweet needlepoint gift from Eric. Complimenting hospitality staff on being excellent at their jobs. Incredible seafood platters. Belgian waffles at Café Landwer. Rhea Butcher saying they bought “women’s vitamins” because no one makes non-binary vitamins yet. Getting the “couples’ seat” at the Bad Dog Theatre and laughing so hard my glasses fog up. One of our favorite bartenders announcing “Bubbles!!” and bringing us champagne. Watching Jeremy & Elsie Larson’s daughters grow up. Penn Badgley’s feminism. Microwaveable heating pads. Reliable vibrators. Long-term love.

Which Sex Toy Should You Buy Your Sweetie For Valentine’s Day?

Kate Sloan

Buying sex toys for someone other than yourself is always a gamble. (Hell, sometimes buying one for yourself is a gamble.) It’s a very personal category of product, like porn or perfume; you can’t necessarily know what’ll work for someone even if you think you know them very well. Usually you’re better off getting them a gift card, or taking them shopping.

That said, there are a few products out that I think are relatively safe bets, depending on you and your partner’s tastes and bits. Here are my top Valentine’s gifts recommendations for 2020…

The We-Vibe Chorus is a brand-new offering from the company that basically invented the couples’ vibe. (Yes, I am side-eying every company who’s ever ripped off We-Vibe’s original, award-winning design very hard right now.) Like the We-Vibe Sync, it’s an adjustable, C-shaped vibrator meant to be worn with one arm inserted to hit the G-spot and one outside on the clit. However, unlike the Sync, you control the vibrations by squeezing the accompanying remote, like a sexy li’l stress ball (or you can turn off that function and just use it like a regular remote).

In a departure for We-Vibe, this one uses a technology called AnkorLink in lieu of Bluetooth – supposedly it’ll maintain its connection more consistently because it can pass through flesh better. You can control the vibe with the remote or with We-Vibe’s proprietary We-Connect app, making this a viable option for long-distance partners as well as local ones. If you like (or think you would like) couples’ vibes for use during sex in private or play in public, this is the most glorious new one I’ve seen in years.

Available at SheVibe.

The Magic Wand Plus is a long-awaited addition to Vibratex’s Magic Wand family. It bridges the gap between the overly strong, loud, plug-in, porous-headed Magic Wand Original and the comparatively sleek, 4-speed, silicone-topped Magic Wand Rechargeable (still one of my all-time favorite vibrators). The Plus has the silicone head and the 4 speeds, but not the rechargeability – or the high price tag.

This makes it, as far as I’m concerned, the best choice for someone who thinks they want a wand, or a powerful vibrator in general, but isn’t totally sure and doesn’t want to drop $100+ on one. It’s a luxury electric wand at a decent price, and if my Vibratex experiences are anything to go by, it’ll last you a good long time. (My MWR is still going strong after nearly 5 years.) Go forth and buzz!

Available at SheVibe, and the Smitten Kitten.

PinkCherry sent me one of their Candy Hearts butt plugs recently and, while I’m not normally one for super cutesy sex toys, this one is kind of charming. It’s silicone and the base is made to look like a candy conversation heart emblazoned with an explicit message. This is the kind of thing that sells like hotcakes in sex shops around this time every year.

Of course, part of the appeal here is that a gentle, adorable aesthetic can make a toy seem less intimidating. Butt stuff is old hat for many people, but if your partner is an anal newbie (and digs hyperfemme style), this might be just the thing to help ease them in – and at a totally doable price point, too. With its 1.6″ diameter, this plug isn’t totally beginner-friendly but would probably be comfortable for most butts after at least a few minutes of warm-up with (extremely lubricated) fingers. Happy Valentine’s to your butt!

Available at PinkCherry U.S. and PinkCherry Canada.

I’ve wanted a Liberator Decor Heart Wedge for years even though I already have their (very similar) Wedge and Jaz shapes. What can I say – I’m a sucker for hearts. As with most of Liberator’s products, this one is essentially a firm foam pillow made for supporting bodies during sex. It holds weight far better than a stack of regular ol’ pillows, and the soft casing can be zipped off for laundering, so don’t worry about ruining your “velvish” heart with semen or squirt!

I think this would be an especially lovely gift if your sweetheart has been experiencing body pain or some other health condition that makes certain sex positions more difficult or uncomfortable to get into lately. However, I think pretty much any sexually active person could benefit from having one of these around. Sometimes you just need a little help finding the right angle, and you might as well do that using a product whose aesthetic makes you smile.

Available at SheVibe.

I got a chance to check out the new Womanizer Premium at ANME Founders recently and was really impressed with how far this line’s “Pleasure Air” technology has come. Incase you haven’t heard, companies like Womanizer and Satisfyer are cranking out toys that use tiny blasts of air to create touchless clitoral stimulation that feels something like a mix between oral sex, a clit pump, and a tiny person rap-tap-tapping on your junk. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it certainly is unique!

As far as I can tell, the main things setting apart this latest model from previous Womanizers is the highly ergonomic, sexy shape – which I think would make it particularly suitable for use during PIV sex – and the extra power. I’m looking forward to getting my hands on one of these, because – unlike the tacky, leopard-print and rhinestoned Womanizers of yore – the Premium is elegant, modern, and totally covetable.

Available at SheVibe, and the Smitten Kitten.

 

What sex toys do you have your eyes on for Valentine’s Day?