Handbags in the Age of Coronavirus

Kate Sloan

Ever since the pandemic news got bad, I’ve lost almost all of my usual verve for fashion and beauty. Where once I would spend hours per month trawling the websites of beloved clothing and accessories makers, now I can barely bring myself to window-shop for new socks online even though mine are riddled with holes. I trudge through most days in stretched-out T-shirts and comfy lounge pants, my hair pulled back in a cursory nub of a bun, lipstickless and lethargic.

Part of the reason for all this is the obvious: no one is seeing my outfits (no one except my partner, my roommate, and her two cats, that is), so I feel less motivated to put them together. There is no one to infer things about me from what I have on, and in losing the motivation to perform my selfhood in this way, I’m also losing some of that selfhood itself.

Another component of my sartorial disinterest is due to plain ol’ depression and grief. What we’re going through right now, as a species, is traumatic on scales we have yet to fully comprehend. I know from past experience that immense, bone-deep sadness causes my materialistic impulses to either ramp up significantly as a distraction tactic, or to drop off completely in a blaze of nihilism. Lately I’m oscillating between both extremes, but mostly landing on the latter.

However, there is still one category of fashion item that tugs at my femme heartstrings and makes my world feel a little brighter, and that’s handbags. Purses. Satchels. Totes. I ogle the Kate Spade and Coach websites in spare moments. I comb through eBay listings with keen-yet-weary eyes. I take great pleasure in ogling my extant handbag collection – though I rarely touch any of them these days.

That’s the root cause of this, I have to imagine: the lack of need for a bag at this time in history. I can throw on cute outfits galore in the confines of my apartment, and even clomp around in heels I’d never or rarely wear out into the world, but carrying a bag in those instances feels totally unnecessary and impractical. What, am I gonna tuck a petite clutch under my arm for the journey from the bedroom to the kitchen? Slide a crossbody strap over one shoulder for a jaunt to the garbage chute down the hall? I think not.

Even when I go out, I don’t have much use for bags now. More often than not, I’m just going on a quick errand or a meandering walk. I’ll cram my phone into the back pocket of my jeans (I rarely have the emotional energy for skirts and dresses these days), slip my keys into the front one, and maybe bring along a credit card or some cash if I plan on wandering to the shops. With a fabric mask on, I find it’s hard to do anything detail-oriented that lies below my sightline, so rummaging through a bag like I might normally do is impractical and sometimes even painful. (Anyone else find themselves constantly getting poked in the eye by their masks, through some strange contortion of facial muscles and eyeballs?!)

The increasing pointlessness of handbags, the frivolity and complexity of lifestyle that they hearken back to and that contrasts so sharply with my current involuntarily pared-down life, somehow makes them more appealing to me rather than less. They’re a useless luxury object at the moment, sure. But they’re also a window into my future, a future of normalcy regained, a future of getting dressed up and having somewhere to go.

The ritual of packing my pretty purse before an outing is often ceremonious and always important. Solo dates, especially, require preparation in this arena: I’ll fill a piece of lovely leather with my journal and pen so I can reflect on my feelings in a café window, or a loaded-up Kindle so I can spend time with beloved fictional characters at a cocktail bar, or a pair of glasses so I can see a theatrical cast’s every facial expression from the nosebleed seats. I’ll check to make sure I have my ID incase of booze, and my earbuds incase of boredom. I’ll throw in some gum or mints if there’s romance on the horizon. I’ll check the contents of my wallet to see how much merriment I can afford to make. It’s a femme ritual that feels like writing the blueprint of my outing before it even begins. The contents of my bag guide me on my journeys; the bag itself may as well be cute.

I haven’t actually purchased any new bags during this time period, for reasons you can probably guess: it feels unnecessary, I’m trying to keep an eye on my finances, and there are so many better ways I could and should direct my cash during this crisis. But I doubt I’ll stop staring at the kelly-green Marc Jacobs totes and lemon-yellow Coach satchels any time soon. They give me solace, and glee, and something to look forward to: a life that’s once again worth packing a bag for.

Mini Reviews: BeOne, Carter, & Star Delight

Kate Sloan

Time for some short reviews to catch up on my sex toy queue! Here are some toys I’ve been testing recently…

The Fun Factory Be-One caught my attention immediately when I spotted it at ANME, because 1) a new Fun Factory toy! yay! and 2) it looked like it might work well for someone with chronic pain in their hands, like me. So I asked Fun Factory to send me one, and blessedly, they did. It’s a rechargeable vibrator designed such that you can grip it between two fingers without the need for a lot of muscle strength or flexibility. The silicone-covered tip of the toy curves downward, so it can make good contact with my clit even on days when my fingers or wrists aren’t cooperating.

That ease of use on bad pain days is, for me, the major selling point of this toy – but there are others, too. It’s waterproof. It’s small enough to fit between bodies easily during penetrative sex. It’s made of non-porous and hypoallergenic silicone and plastic. It comes with a cute, hard plastic storage case, shaped somewhat like a computer mouse, which (especially paired with the toy’s travel lock function) makes me feel much more confident it won’t thrum to life in my suitcase, if and when we’re ever allowed to fly again. Its one button, which you can use to cycle through the toy’s four steady speeds and one “flirty” pattern mode, protrudes and lights up so it’s easy to both see and feel in the heat of the moment (you would not believe how many vibrators get this very important thing wrong).

Crucially, the Be-One has two motors (TWO!) packed into its tiny body, so it’s more powerful than you would expect for a vibe of this size. The dual motor situation also makes the Be-One’s vibrations feel rumblier than Fun Factory’s previous clit vibe offerings; it’s almost like the vibrations are bouncing back and forth from one motor to another at a very high speed. This is no Tango, but I’d pick it over something buzzier like the Lelo Mia or Jimmyjane Form 2 any day. My picky clit can orgasm fairly easily with the Be-One, albeit with a bit of grinding/rubbing/circling added to the mix.

Fun Factory says that with the Be-One, “once it’s in place, you really don’t have to think about it anymore,” and unfortunately that isn’t really true because of where the control button is situated. It’s on top of the toy, a spot I can’t reach when the vibe is positioned between my fingers as advertised. When I want to change the vibration speed, I have to either pause what I’m doing to hit the button with my other hand, or reposition the toy in my hand so I can reach the button – which sort of negates the comfort of its design. However, this is a pretty minor issue (for my particular body, anyway), and overall I think Fun Factory did great with the Be-One. It’s a cute and compact vibrator with two lovely motors, and I think it’ll make a lot of people happy.

The New York Toy Collective Carter was an anniversary gift from my very thoughtful partner. Mine is turquoise and pink, because I love those colors, but it’s also available in various skin tones, a gorgeous teal, and some other shades.

I became interested in this dildo when I read my friend Epiphora’s review of it, in which she says that she squirts every time she uses the Carter. I mean… sounds pretty good to me! Sinclair Sexsmith once called the Carter their “desert-island dildo,” and they know their shit when it comes to strap-ons. I was also curious about this toy because, while the Godemiche Ambit has been my go-to pegging dildo for years, occasionally my partner wants something bigger. With its chunky 2″ diameter and comfortable dual-density silicone, the Carter certainly fits the bill.

However, so far I haven’t used the Carter for pegging purposes, because, y’know, butts are fickle and you can’t rush this stuff. I have, however, gotten fucked with it numerous times, and it’s lovely. Its 7.5″ insertable length allows it to reach my A-spot, and its pronounced coronal ridge can also stroke my G-spot with every thrust. That said, if you’re looking for a dildo to target a specific spot, I don’t think this is the right one; it’s more of a blunt instrument, best for days when you really just wanna be filled up and fucked, rather than having particular internal spots satisfied with the exacting precision of something like a Pure Wand or a Seduction. The Carter, like many New York Toy Collective dildos, has a flexible core that allows you to bend the dildo into a curve that suits you, but I’ve found this feature more useful for visual purposes (e.g. posing for strap-on selfies) than for actual fucking, because my vag tends to straighten out the dildo in short order.

This isn’t the sort of dildo that leaves me breathless or weeping after an orgasm, like the Eleven or Double Trouble can. But it’s squishy enough to be comfortable for longer fucks (assuming you keep the lube flowin’), and it looks fantastic in a strap-on. New York Toy Collective is a fabulous, queer-owned company that makes gorgeous dicks and gender affirmation products; I’m happy to support them in any way I can, especially since doing so involves telling you that you absolutely deserve a stunning and satisfying dildo like the Carter.

I bought myself a Crystal Delights Star Delight dildo in late 2018 and have somehow never gotten around to reviewing it at length here. It’s gotta be one of the prettiest dildos in my collection: clear glass, with an aqua-colored gem set into the base. It can be easy to lose yourself in the quasi-hypnotic act of examining it from all angles.

This, I feel, is a good dildo for a lazy masturbator like me. The bumpy texture all along the shaft ensures you get plenty of stimulation with minimal movement and effort. The girth – 1.4″ at its widest – is slim enough that you may not need to warm up before inserting it, especially if you pair it with a good lube (and being made of glass, it pairs well with any type of lube). I can rest the heel of my hand against the base of the Star Delight and gently rock it against my A-spot without needing to think about it or work too hard. The base is unobtrusive enough that I can easily use a vibe with this dildo, and the firmness of the glass makes orgasms with it extra intense.

That low-profile base is also one of the reasons the Star Delight works so well for me during oral sex. It’s become a favorite for my partner to insert while they’re going down on me, because it allows them to stroke my A-spot with the delicious firmness I like, while also attending to my clit. Very few dildos can actually pull this off – most feel awkward for the giver, the receiver, or both – so I’m thrilled to have found one that works reliably well for this purpose. As my partner noted in an earlier blog post, the texture of the dildo is not only stimulating for me but also helps keep the toy anchored in place during oral sex, so they can focus more fully on what their mouth is doing.

My only issue with the Star Delight – aside from the $100+ price tag, about which I can only say, wait for a sale if you can – is that the bumps make it a bit tricky to clean. I usually have to scrub around each bump individually with an old toothbrush or somesuch. But overall this dildo is versatile, useful, and pleasurable – practically everything I want a dildo to be.

Things I Hope to Do When This is All Over

Kate Sloan

Here’s a fun and dreamy exercise for the coronavirus era. Open up a new document in your notes app of choice, or turn to a blank page in your journal. Make a list titled “things to do when this is all over.” Then let your imagination transport you to a happier place and time in the future.

“This” being “all over” is sort of a nebulous concept at this point, but in my case, I’m choosing to imagine that daydreamy future as one in which a safe and effective vaccine has been developed and distributed around the world, and we can once again walk around outside and gather in groups and go to places (remember places?!) without needing to worry that we’re endangering others or ourselves. What will you do when things go “back to normal” – or when we move into a hopefully new-and-improved definition of normalcy? Here’s what I’m excited to do once we kick COVID to the curb…

  • Hug my friends and family for as long as they consent to be hugged.
  • Go to a cocktail bar alone, with just my Kindle to keep me company. Sip excellent drinks, make small-talk with the bartenders from time to time, and revel in the cheery din of my fellow bar-goers.
  • Curl up on the couch in my parents’ basement and watch a movie with my family – probably a Billy Wilder classic.
  • Go to La Banane (one of my favorite restaurants here in Toronto) and eat an extravagant platter of oysters and shrimp cocktail while swilling martinis and laughing with my love.
  • Sit in the front row at the Bad Dog Theatre and see an improv show.
  • Go on a long, meandering walk through the city while listening to podcasts. Stop into any stores that seem cool and take a look around.
  • Have group sex again, in some configuration, or just sex in front of a modest crowd at a sex club. In the meantime, there’s always VR porn and Zoom orgies. (It cracks me up that one of the most popular VR porn sites is called BaDoinkVR. Can I just start shouting “BaDoink!” every time I touch a partner’s genitals, like some kind of pornographic slapstick foley artist?!)
  • Visit the art gallery, the Royal Ontario Museum, the aquarium.
  • Show up an hour or so before the curtain at the Young Centre for the Performing Arts, dressed to the nines for a solo date. Order a sandwich and a pint at the lobby café, and sit there quietly reading until they open the house. Take a program from the usher, find my seat amongst polite older couples and rowdy art-school teenagers, and read about the cast, crew, and creative vision of the production.
  • Walk around a big grocery store buying excessively fancy ingredients, which I will later assemble into an extravagant meal.
  • Sit on a patio sipping a beer and writing.
  • Walk around a Sephora, testing various lipsticks on the back of my hand until I find one I absolutely must own.
  • Get on a plane to New York. Stare out the little window at the big city as it unfolds below me. Walk off the plane half-dazed into the wonderful mediocrity of LaGuardia, and get into a yellow taxi.
  • Swim in a pool or a lake or an ocean or even just a hot tub.
  • Decide, on a whim, to ask someone who seems to want to kiss me, “Do you want to kiss me?” and, if so, let them.
  • Go to a burlesque show; hoot and holler when the dancers cast off their clothes.
  • Get a pedicure or a Brazilian wax or a massage or some other treatment where a careful, skilled person helps me feel better in my body. Tip them well!
  • Walk into a darkened movie theatre with a bag of popcorn and a box of peanut M&Ms. Settle into some good seats and watch something silly.
  • Attend a standing-room-only concert – maybe Andy Shauf or Carly Rae Jepsen or Tegan and Sara – and let the crowd throw me around a little as we all dance in place.
  • Sit in Trinity Bellwoods Park with some friends, smoking joints and telling stories.
  • Attend an industry tradeshow and marvel at the latest sex toys to hit the market. Leave with armfuls of lube samples and product pamphlets.
  • Visit my book editors in London or my literary agent in New York or both. Break bread (metaphorically or literally) with these strong, creative women I am proud to be working with.
  • Walk around a mall for hours, shopping for a dress to wear to some special occasion.
  • Eventually, tell my kids (?!) – or somebody’s kids, anyway – about what happened in 2020.

What are you looking forward to doing, once we’re able to do things again?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: Sketches, Netflix, & Swizzle Sticks

Kate Sloan

Hello! This month I’m going to stray from my usual Monthly Faves format, because – honestly, y’all? – sex toys and sexual fantasies have not exactly topped my list of priorities since the whole COVID thing started. (I’m sure many of you can relate.) So without further ado, here are some of the things that got me through April…

Media

• I randomly remembered that the movie Oceans 8 existed and that I’d wanted to see it since it came out, so my partner and I watched it together. If you don’t know, it’s a heist movie starring a shocking number of powerful and beautiful Hollywood women: Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, et al. Also Rihanna plays a brilliant stoner/hacker. Basically it’s a must-watch, especially if (like me) you love movies about con artists, thieves, and scammers.

• Queer Canadian comedian Mae Martin (whew, try saying that 5 times fast!) created and starred in a new Netflix series called Feel Good, which is both very funny and very devastating. It’s about queerness, drug addiction, love addiction, coming out of the closet (or not), figuring out your gender (or not), and repairing broken relationships (or not). I adored it, though if you struggle with addiction, it might be a tough watch for you.

• Reading pandemic-related fiction is a bit of an emotional gamble these days, to say the least, but I gave it a shot anyway and really enjoyed Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. It’s set in a post-apocalyptic world where survivors are trying to pick up the pieces after a swine flu mutation suddenly kills 99.99% of the earth’s population and society as we know it completely crumbles. While that sounds pretty horrific – and at times, it is – the ending, and the conclusions to be drawn from the story, are (I think) ultimately hopeful and encouraging. Along similar lines, Severance by Ling Ma is also about a civilization-destroying pandemic, but deals more with the racism, classism, and capitalist bullshit that can be exacerbated by disasters like this.

• I celebrated my 28th birthday this month, and it was one of the strangest birthdays I’ve ever had, for obvious reasons! However, I put together a little Zoom party with a bunch of friends and we played Use Your Words, my friend Brent’s party game “for funny people and their unfunny friends.” I’ve been playing it for years and it still always makes me laugh!

• One of my fave local comedy troupes, the Sketchersons, have been continuing their weekly sketch show Sunday Night Live from the comfort of their own individual homes. They’re performing topical humor LIVE every week over Zoom (or some Zoom-like service). It is one of the most innovative and creative things I’ve seen during all of this, and I would highly recommend you tune in sometime!

• Another fave livestreamed event of mine this month was Broadway.com’s tribute to Stephen Sondheim for his 90th birthday. It got off to a rocky start due to technical problems – I still feel so bad for host Raúl Esparza that we didn’t get to see as much of him as planned – but the musical performances were top-notch. Someone please cast Beanie Feldstein as the Baker’s Wife in a new production of Into the Woods ASAP when this is all over!

Products

• Fed up with my constantly overcrowded nightstand, I ordered a felt storage pocket that attaches to the side of your bed, and have been stashing all my various devices and must-haves in there (Kindle, Switch, 3DS, notebook and pen, earbuds). It has weirdly made me feel much more sane and calm in these trying times. Hey, whatever works!

• I also bought a pink organizer for all my sex toy charging cables. They formerly were just shoved into a small drawer willy-nilly, which obviously wasn’t working, so it was nice to finally get to organize them. Ahh, I love orderliness!

• I am still living in my MeUndies lounge pants. My partner and I each ordered a new pair this month – a quarantine-appropriate splurge, if you will – and they are a godsend. Comfy! Cute! Pockets!

• In the past month I have bought reusable fabric face masks from four different shops: Pacha Indigenous Art Collection, Peace Collective, FickleFaerie and DinkyBums. Really appreciating all these independent creators making beautiful masks, and often also donating masks or money to frontline workers as part of their operations. (Side note: I’m definitely also lusting after a sequinned mask like Rachel Syme has.)

• My partner and I have been beefing up my home bar situation since they arrived here last month, because good-quality cocktails sure make staying at home more bearable. Some of my favorite acquisitions: pre-batched tiki cocktails from the Shameful Tiki Room, olive brine from the Cocktail Emporium (I love me a dirty martini), ornate martini glasses my mom gave me for my birthday, and an assortment of weird liquors and liqueurs from Civil Liberties.

Work & Appearances

• PinkCherry asked me to write a piece about sexual empowerment for them, so I wrote this essay about breaking the habit of apologizing during sex. This problem is so real!

• Wanna hear me wax poetic about kink, power, and systemic oppression? Good thing I discussed those very topics with Leela Sinha on zir podcast Power Pivot this month!

• We’ve been doing lots of great stuff on my podcasts The Dildorks and Question Box lately, but I particularly want to draw your attention to our recent 4/20 episodes. In both of them, we got super high and answered strange questions. They’re a hoot!

• In my newsletter this month, I wrote about libido in the time of coronavirus, merciful silence toward the men in my DMs, what Animal Crossing taught me about my gender presentation, and why you should wear your nicest underwear now.

Good Causes

• The Glad Day Emergency Survival Fund is putting money into the pockets of LGBTQ+ artists, performers, and tip-based workers, as well as keeping the Glad Day Bookshop (an institution in Toronto’s queer scene) from going under.

• Here’s a mutual aid fund for “trans and queer Black and Indigenous people and other trans and queer people of color, ESPECIALLY those who are sex workers, undocumented, disabled, and/or incarcerated.” These groups are especially struggling right now.

• Tuck Woodstock, who hosts the incredible Gender Reveal podcast, is raising money for trans and non-binary people who need it in this unprecedented time.

• If you’ve been reading a lot lately, like me, I would strongly recommend shopping for new books through Bookshop.org. Purchases help financially support local, independent bookstores, which could really use the boost, especially right now.

• From what I’ve been reading, a lot of food banks need money more than they need food donations right now, for various reasons. If you’re able, Google around for your local food bank and send them some cash so the folks who rely on them can keep food on the table. I gave some to FoodShare this month, in memory of my grandmother Jean, who believed in feeding someone as a way of taking care of them. 💙

 

What’s been getting you through these difficult times? Let me know in the comments!

50 Non-Pandemic-Related Questions to Ask People on Dating Apps

Kate Sloan

My #1 online-dating pet peeve is bad conversational skills. It doesn’t exactly bode well to begin an exchange with someone you presumably hope to impress by merely saying “Hi.” Sure, maybe that works in a bar setting, where a person can get an immediate, at-a-glance sense of your vibe/style, but a Tinder inbox requires more from you than that. To be interesting, you have to be interested.

That said, we’re at a strange moment in history (to say the least) where “What’s up?” or “How’s it going?” can come across as oblivious or even insensitive. (How the fuck do you think I’m doing, Chad??) But you also don’t want to veer too far into commiseration land, because the trials and tribulations of quarantining are not exactly fun, fresh, flirty conversation fodder. So what’s a modern dater to do?

I’ve come up with 50 questions you can ask someone on your dating site/app of choice that have nothing to do with the pandemic situation. Sure, it might come up in some people’s answers, but only if they want to go there. Asking fun questions in your opening message is always a good idea, but particularly so at a time like this when everyone wants a dose of escapism and connection – that’s probably why they’re looking at their dating-app inbox in the first place. Try some of these and let me know how it goes!

  1. What’s the best piece of advice anyone ever gave you about [romance/business/creativity]?
  2. What song or album are you obsessing over right now?
  3. What’s your favorite memory from childhood?
  4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
  5. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up, and how does that relate to what you do now?
  6. Who is the most famous person you have met?
  7. What’s an outfit you feel amazing in and why?
  8. What’s the best thing you know how to cook or bake, and how did you learn to make it?
  9. What’s a movie you wouldn’t necessarily say is your all-time favorite, but that you love nonetheless?
  10. What’s a weird inside joke you have with a friend and how did it start?
  11. What’s a common misconception about your job?
  12. What was the last book you read, and did you enjoy it?
  13. Do you feel like you’ve found your “life purpose” yet?
  14. What country would you like to move to if you had the chance?
  15. When was the last time you did something that made you nervous?
  16. Did you have any weird hobbies when you were a kid?
  17. What’s your morning routine?
  18. What’s your favorite holiday?
  19. What is the wildest lie you’ve ever told?
  20. What’s your favorite scent?
  21. Who would you consider a hero of yours and why?
  22. What do you keep on your nightstand?
  23. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
  24. What part of your body do you like the most?
  25. Who was your favorite teacher in school and why?
  26. What would you do with your time if capitalism was abolished?
  27. What’s your favorite word?
  28. What role does social media play in your life, and how do you feel about that?
  29. What’s your favorite thing about your home?
  30. What celebrity do you think would make a really great roommate?
  31. Which fictional character do you most identify with and why?
  32. What’s a piece of media that can reliably make you cry?
  33. What’s a task most people don’t like doing that you actually enjoy?
  34. What do you think will be the biggest technological innovation in our lifetimes?
  35. If you were famous, what would you want to be famous for?
  36. What’s an item of clothing you wish you owned?
  37. What makes your best friend so terrific?
  38. What’s the last problem you solved?
  39. What’s one of your hidden talents?
  40. What’s the most athletic thing you’ve ever done?
  41. What’s a social rule or expectation you totally ignore?
  42. What’s the most common compliment you receive?
  43. What’s the best kiss you’ve ever had?
  44. If you were going to start a podcast, what would it be about?
  45. What’s an out-of-character decision you’ve made recently?
  46. What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever worn?
  47. What’s something you love, without really knowing why you love it so much?
  48. What’s a bad habit you’re trying to break?
  49. What’s the fanciest event you’ve ever been to, and what did you wear?
  50. What question do you wish more people would ask you?