Remotely Helpful, Part 2: Locations & Logistics

Here’s part 2 of my 3-part series on working from home! I’ve got some more tips for you today…

#4: Mix up your location from time to time.

I know in my last post I proselytized the joys of having a functional at-home workspace, and that’s still important, but I nonetheless can’t imagine always writing at my desk at home. Eventually I always get bored and/or lose motivation. That’s when I know I need to shake up my location.

Coffee shops and libraries are great for this, and are staples for many writers – for actual scientifically-backed reasons, in some cases! If you know of a bar that’s chill about people bringing their laptops, that’s nice too (Northwood early on a weeknight is my Platonic ideal of a relaxed writing spot). I’ve known writers who loved to write in mall food courts, public parks, or subway trains. Just make sure that if you go somewhere with no WiFi (or with dicey WiFi), you prepare in advance any research materials you’ll need, so your work won’t be stymied by the lack of connectivity.

Of course, co-working spaces are also an option, but most freelancers I know don’t make enough money to be able to justify the expense. (For example, the Toronto Writers’ Centre charges $135/month, and Lemonade – Toronto’s answer to The Wing – charges $300-500/month. There are cheaper spots but all of them cost more than I’d ideally like to pay.) To approximate the co-working experience in a lower-budget way, you could head over to a friend’s house and work alongside them – just make sure to extend them the same courtesy another time, and bring snacks or coffee or something to express your appreciation for their generosity with their space!

#5: Give yourself structure.

This is probably the hardest part of working from home, and also the most important. Without a boss breathing down your neck, it’s easy to lose track of time and accidentally spend an hour scrolling through tweets on your phone or falling down a Wikipedia rabbit hole instead of doing your actual work.

The most beneficial thing for me in this regard is also very basic: a to-do list. The psychological pleasure I get when I tick an item off the list – or, better yet, when I tick all the items off the list – is a powerful motivator. This is doubly true because my partner has access to my digital to-do list and can check on my progress throughout the day. Having an “accountability buddy” can be a big help!

Some writers have strict daily schedules that they stick to. My work is too sporadic to be able to commit to something that stable, but if it works for you, do it! I also know lots of writers who use task management tools like Trello, Asana, and Teamwork – the latter of which I use at my dayjob and enjoy, because it allows me to track the amount of time I spend on each task so I’m more aware of my own time-wasting/procrastination tactics as they’re happening.

#6: Pay attention to your natural rhythms and arrange your work accordingly.

For example, here are some things I’ve learned about my own rhythms:

  • With very few exceptions, I am not very creative before 11 a.m., so mornings are best spent on more rote or administrative work (e.g. answering emails, scheduling tweets).
  • I am pretty useless for at least a day after arriving home from traveling, so I do my best to ensure I have no deadlines during that window, or that if I do have one, I complete the work in advance.
  • Nights aren’t usually very creative for me, unless I give myself a second wind with caffeine (which peps me up) or alcohol (which opens my mind to making more freeform connections).
  • If I’m really, really into a piece of writing – I’m talkin’ flow-state, “don’t talk to me, I’m working” levels of absorption – I should keep working until that feeling dissipates, if possible, because that’s often when my best writing happens.

Work in our society is largely structured around the idea that you should work at appointed hours all the time even if you don’t feel like it, which – setting aside the hellish capitalistic labor-fervor involved in that idea – just isn’t really in line with how the human mind functions. Freelancers (sometimes) have the luxury of being able to follow our own natural creative rhythms and take advantage of their gifts; this is one of my favorite things about my job(s)!

 

More tips to come later this week! Have you found any of these principles helpful in the past?

Remotely Helpful, Part 1: Flexible & Delightful

This is Remotely Helpful, a new mini series of blog posts where I’m writing up my best tips for working from home, ascertained from years and years of it! Here are my first 3 major suggestions…

#1: Take advantage of your flexible schedule.

Granted, depending on your exact work logistics, your schedule may not actually be as flexible as people tend to assume it is. (I have to get up at 9 every weekday for my dayjob, for example.) But if you do get to set your own hours, at least some of the time, I would strongly recommend making the most of that good fortune!

I love being able to do my laundry at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday when no one else is using the machines, or trotting down to my local movie theatre to take in a weekday matinee when my brain needs a break. I love finishing tomorrow morning’s work early so I can go see a comedy show tonight. I love making time to see a friend for coffee on a Thursday afternoon. I love that if I have an unmissable doctor’s appointment or international flight in the middle of the workday, I usually don’t have to ask anyone’s permission or move anything around, so long as I get the work done at some point.

In the capitalist hellscape that is our society, too often we’re trained to always be thinking about work, and to arrange our entire lives around our work. That’s bullshit, and not even compatible with keeping your brain in top-notch working order. If you have the freedom to do otherwise, you may as well!

#2: Putting effort into your aesthetic makes it easier to put effort into your work.

This isn’t true for everyone, but it is certainly true for me: if I take a shower, get dressed, and put makeup on, I will be plenty more productive than I would if I just lazed around in sweatpants all day. True, working in pajamas is one of the great joys of working from home, but if you find it makes your work ethic worse, it might not be worth it! (I am admittedly naked and wrapped in a bath towel right now as I write this, though, so… do as I say, not as I do.)

Some life hacks I’ve found for this: super stretchy jeans look like “real clothes” but can feel like pajama pants, lipstick makes me feel way more pulled together than I actually am, and nice loungewear is a step up from ratty pajama pants for days when I really can’t manage an outdoors-appropriate outfit.

#3: Your space should be as functional and pretty as you can make it.

For years, I found myself going to cafés to work almost all the time, and I eventually realized part of my reason for doing this: my workspace at home just wasn’t very inviting! It was dark and messy and boring. In the years since, I’ve become more stringent about keeping my workspace clean, and have spruced it up with additions like scented candles, inspiring photographs, and visually interesting knickknacks. One side of my desk is more podcast-focused (mic, pop filter, headphones, pencil and notepad for jotting things down during recordings) while the other side is more writing-focused (pens and pencils, research materials) so I can keep my head in the game. Inside my desk drawers are notebooks, more pens and pencils, and snacks to keep me going.

Other things that might work well in a freelancer’s workspace: good speakers, indoor plants, cable organizers, an ergonomic chair, an external monitor, and a timer (for using the Pomodoro technique or similar). A collection of reference books is also a must – I have journalism style guides within close reach, a whole bunch of sex books, and a stack of my old journals for when I plumb my sexual history to research a piece.

 

More tips to come! What’s your best working-from-home advice?

10 Ways Vibrators Can Be Therapeutic (+ a Giveaway!)

Photo via Bellesa

It would be easy to think, comparing my work to that of my journalism-school colleagues now reporting on business and politics, that what I do is comparatively frivolous. Sex writing is, after all, largely about fun and pleasure – or at least, that’s how it’s often perceived from the outside. In reality, many people writing about sex today delve into hugely important sub-topics of that realm, like health justice, trauma, education policy, and gender inequality. Sex is no small thing, and it never has been.

That’s why today I wanted to highlight for you 10 ways that people use vibrators therapeutically. As with all medical suggestions you read online, you should run these by your doctor and/or therapist before trying them – and if you do, I hope you find them helpful!

Toning the pelvic floor

Pelvic muscle contractions, the likes of which are experienced during orgasm and high levels of arousal, strengthen the muscles they employ. These muscles’ fitness is responsible for longer and stronger orgasms, yes, but also for preventing pelvic health issues like urinary incontinence.

Healing from trauma

My friend Sarah Brynn Holliday has written about how sex toys can be instrumental in rediscovering pleasure after sexual trauma. A sex toy you know well is controllable in a way that human partners are not, so when you need or want to control your sexual experience to avoid triggering or re-traumatizing yourself as best as you can, sex toys can be helpful.

Alleviating menopause symptoms

For some people, menopause causes the onset of “vulvovaginal atrophy,” wherein decreased estrogen levels in vaginal tissue cause the vagina to become dry, irritated, and sore. The vaginal walls may become thinner, leading to painful sex, especially sans lube. Gynecology professor Dr. Mary Jane Minkin told the Huffington Post in 2013 that vibrators stimulate increased pelvic blood flow, potentially alleviating these symptoms. Some of the menopausal women in my life have also found it psychologically helpful to masturbate more as they age, since our culture tends to harmfully frame older women as unsexual and unsexy (boooo!).

Managing depression

This is a big one for me. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes administering an orgasm through the use of a vibrator can kickstart the production of some happy neurotransmitters and thereby lift my mood. This is especially helpful given that, in the throes of a depressive episode, I often find my own genitals unsettling to touch – so it’s a godsend to be able to hold a vibrator against my pajama pants and get off without grossing myself out or upsetting myself further.

Massaging muscles

We all know about this one – especially since the famous Magic Wand Original (née Hitachi Magic Wand) was developed for sore muscles. This way of using vibrators has become particularly important to me since I developed chronic pain, and I’m so glad it’s an available option.

Increasing desire

There seems to be a “horniness begets horniness” effect at work in many people’s sex lives. It’s what sex researcher Emily Nagoski refers to as “responsive desire,” which she affirms is a normal way of experiencing your sexual appetite, despite the medical community’s historical insistence on misdiagnosing this as “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” or straight-up “frigidity.” In any case, if your sex drive is lower than you would like it to be, regular usage of vibrators is recommended by some doctors to boost your libido. Worth a shot!

Pleasure after injury

Several studies, for example, have noted vibrators’ ability to provoke sexual response even in people who have sustained spinal cord injuries that otherwise inhibit their sensitivity and functioning. This seems to be discussed most often in the context of obtaining semen from disabled men so they can father children, rather than in the context of pleasure or satisfaction, but its implications are encouraging nonetheless.

Combating vaginismus

Vaginismus is a vaginal pain condition in which involuntary pelvic muscle spasms make penetrative sex extremely painful or outright impossible. Vaginal dilators of steadily increasing size are one oft-recommended intervention for vaginismus, and these pair well with vibrators, both because vibration helps muscles relax and because pleasure can gradually overwrite the patient’s mental associations between sex and pain.

Mending relationships

Granted, a vibrator alone is not going to solve your relationship problems – interpersonal connections have too many complex layers for “quick fixes” to do any good. But if, for example, one partner has trouble relaxing into pleasurable sex due to stress in their life, or someone’s inability to orgasm has become a point of friction in the relationship, or your sexual connection has simply grown stale and rote, the addition of a vibrator could help. There will be other mental/psychological/interpersonal work to do, too, but you’ve gotta start somewhere. (Just please don’t buy a vibrator out of the blue for a partner who has never expressed any interest in owning one. This is coercive, presumptuous, and weird!)

Post-breakup self-care

For me, the saddest part of a breakup is always the idea that not only have I lost the love/companionship/pleasure I achieved with my ex, but also that I might never find those things again with anyone else. This is obviously bullshit, but it’s a very persuasive idea to a grieving brain. Vibrators have always helped me at this time: I know that even if my latest paramour has fucked off, I can still make myself come, and that’s powerful. It’s sometimes the first step toward rediscovering my own strength, resilience, and potential.


If, after reading all that, you’re thinking, “I’ve gotta get me a vibrator,” you’re in luck – the fine folks at Bellesa are offering up a Nirvana wand vibrator for one lucky reader in North America! Bellesa focuses on making sex toys for women, but of course, anyone of any gender and body type can use a vibrator, especially one as versatile as the Nirvana. It’s a rechargeable, waterproof, silicone wand vibe, and you can use it on any external erogenous zone that enjoys vibration. Yay!

Here’s how to enter: 1) follow @BellesaCo on Instagram, 2) follow me (@Girly_Juice) on Instagram, and 3) leave a comment on this Instagram post of mine answering the question “What’s one way you think vibrators can be therapeutic?” and tagging a friend. The giveaway will run for a week, and then I’ll pick a random winner. Please note that you must be over 18 and must live in North America to win. Good luck!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Salacious Sightseeing & Titillating Tourism

I’ve been lucky enough to travel quite a bit in my time. My parents did a lot of work-related travel when I was a kid (crisis management sojourns to foreign countries for my dad, press junkets in New York and Los Angeles for my mom), which instilled in me the sense that travel was freedom, adventure, excitement. They would always bring back presents from their far-flung visits – and now, when I travel, I sometimes bring back presents for them! Ah, the circle of (#jetsetter) life.

Today I want to talk about 5 sexy attractions or date spots I’ve been to in 5 excellent cities. There are more exotic sexual locales – you could, for example, visit the Red Light District in Amsterdam, get the best escorts for all tastes in Melbourne, or go hang out with horny moms on the Twilight tour in Italy – but these are some I’ve personally enjoyed. Check ’em out if you’re ever in the neighborhood!

Kink Shoppe (Philadelphia)

I secretly think most of the best sex shops have a heavy focus on kink. It’s not that “vanilla” sex toys aren’t important – they are – but I find that if a shop is run and frequented by kinksters, it tends to have a better and more thought-out selection of products, both kinky and not. After all, kinksters do love to be overanalytical and nerdy about their sex lives! Kink Shoppe in Philly is no exception: it has a wide array of toys ranging from mild (cute vibrators, colorful dildos) to wild (ball crushers, gas masks). My partner bought a pair of vampire gloves there and they have served us well! P.S. If you want dessert after your sex-shop date, walk a block west to the Franklin Fountain for ice cream. Yummm.

Drink (Boston)

This is supposedly the #1 cocktail bar in Boston and I believe it. The bartenders are brilliant and worth the wait. (There was about a 45-minute-long line when my partner and I went; we played Scrabble on my phone and people-watched while we waited.) They have no cocktail menu, so you just tell them what kinds of things you like and dislike in a drink and they’ll make you something great. And then, if you’re me, you go back to your hotel and do a watersports scene. *shrug*

Spartacus (Portland)

This is maybe the best sex shop I’ve ever been to, and I don’t say that lightly! I’d heard of the Spartacus brand of sex products before, but didn’t know they had an actual retail location – and OMG, it is amazing. You could easily spend a good 2-3 hours picking through the massive selection of stuff. My partner and I walked out with a bottle of Sliquid lube and a pair of scandalous fishnet underwear, but honestly, there were like 12 other things I could’ve bought. Plus the cashier didn’t unnecessarily gender us. Score.

Onoir (Montreal)

Some relationship psychology theorists say an easy way to “rekindle the spark” is to do something new and/or scary together. Roller coasters and horror movies are the commonly cited examples, but I don’t like jump-scares or loop-de-loops… Onoir served a similar function when my partner and I went there, though! It’s a fine dining experience in a completely dark room, where you’re led around and waited on by blind servers. It’ll certainly make you think differently about food, and maybe about your beau, too!

Museum of Sex (New York)

Periodically a friend of mine will go on vacation to New York and will message me to ask if I think the Museum of Sex is worth a visit. It really depends on what the current exhibitions are – I’ve seen some pretty good ones and some pretty boring ones – but for the most part, I’d say if you’re a sex nerd visiting NYC, you should check it out. The lobby is a sex shop stocked by someone who clearly knows what they’re doing, so you can cap off your visit by buying a luxury thruster, CBD lube, or a vintage copy of Playboy. Ideal.

 

What are your favorite sexy or date-y spots you’ve visited on your travels?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Monthly Faves: Zumio, Ziggy, & Zines

Happy Halloween! Here are some notable highlights from my October…

Sex toys

• I don’t have much new stuff to report here because I’m a curmudgeonly old sex toy reviewer who’s set in her ways (i.e. using the Eroscillator several times a week), BUT: Intimina sent me their Ziggy menstrual cup, supposedly the only reusable cup you can leave in while having sex. I haven’t gotten to try it yet but I am excited to test its capabilities.

• Zumio sent me the newer version of their product, the Zumio S. The original was incredibly intense; this new version is geared toward people who are more sensitive. It’s less strong and has a silicone tip that muffles the oscillation slightly. Still feels plenty strong to me, though! I’ve had a hard time getting off with this toy because the shape is just too pinpoint for my finicky clit, but it feels nice nonetheless.

Fantasy fodder

• Been thinking a lot lately about fractionation, the hypnosis phenomenon whereby a hypnotist moves their subject in and out of trance very quickly several times in a row, to induce a feeling of disorientation. It feels like my brain is getting fucked. Much like drugs or alcohol, it creates an altered state in me very quickly and easily, which is very much within my kinky wheelhouse.

• My partner often reads to me over the phone, and lately we’ve been working our way through Desperate Measures, a fanfic novella where Jafar and Jasmine from Aladdin have a relationship involving consensual non-consent and DD/lg. Weirdly, it has some very Fifty Shades vibes: Jafar is a well-off businessman and Jasmine is a sheltered good girl. The fanfiction medium continues to dazzle and delight.

• Am I into impregnation kink now?? (That is always how it feels when a new-to-me kink shows up in my sex-brain. Like: What?? This?? Really??) I was talking to my partner about this recently and remarked that, for me, it’s pretty hard to separate the terror of real-life pregnancy from the fantasy desire to be impregnated – how can I truly know whether the latter is hot to me while the former is present? – but, even with that arousal-dampening condition in place, I’m still mildly intrigued by this kink. Hmm.

Sexcetera

• I trekked down to New York to see Bex (who was getting his top surgery, OMG!) and Matt (my luv). Some highlights of my trip: Bex’s carrot cake, watching B99 and Claire Saffitz for hours, truffle pasta at The Pool, rum cocktails at Dear Irving, a really hot blue-eyed British nurse in the recovery room, shopping for eyeshadow, and of course, seeing Bex’s resilience and delight post-surgery. What a remarkable friend I have.

• I guested on Trends Like These again this month, stepping in to talk about “woke” comedy, leaked nudes, and video game bankruptcy. Always a pleasure! Brent and I also guested together on the SyFy Every Day Horror podcast, where we discussed the movie Insidious – not my fave, but Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne are very hot in it, so, y’know. (Did you know all my guest podcast appearances are listed on my Press page?)

• On The Dildorks, we chatted about breakups and Bex’s top surgery, and interviewed Aida Manduley about attachment theory. On Question Box, we interrogated incredible guests like Heidi O’Ferrall and SungWon Cho. In my newsletter, I wrote about friend-ghosting, an impromptu watersports scene, an accidental trance, and queer sex.

• Sextistics: This month I had in-person sex 20 times (!) and phone sex also 20 times, for a combined total of 40 sex sessions. That’s… too many for 31 days, but okay.

Fashion & beauty

• My skin’s been chaotic for months (psoriasis + depression + chronic pain can do that to a person), so this month I bought some new skincare products to try to sort it out. My current routine looks like this: rinse face with water in the morning, moisturize with squalane and CeraVe cream, apply eye cream (haven’t settled on a fave yet but I’m using Origins GinZing and IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Under Eye) and sunscreen; in the evening, wash face with Mario Badescu Enzyme Cleansing Gel and a konjac sponge, apply glycolic acid toner and eye cream, and moisturize with rose hip seed oil and Lush Celestial; twice a week, use a salicylic acid mask. Plus occasional medicated psoriasis creams. My grumpy skin is finally starting to calm down!

• Maybe I “should” be wearing more “autumnal” lipsticks at this point, but instead I’m still stuck on my favorite pink du moment, Sugarpill’s “Girl Crush.” It’s pretty much perfect.

• Since I work from home, loungewear is an important category in my wardrobe. I have a new pair of modal lounge pants from the Gap that are blissfully soft, and comfy enough to wear to bed but (just barely) opaque enough to wear on a coffee run or to the laundry room. A++!

Media

• Tegan and Sara’s new album Hey, I’m Just Like You is all reworked versions of songs they wrote in high school, so it’s full of romantic melodrama and boppy hooks. I’ll probably never love another album of theirs as much as I loved The Con, but this one has certainly been haunting my head lately.

• My award-winning novelist cousin Sean’s new book The Wagers came out this month, and I loved it. It’s a high-stakes heist story about luck and love, set in locales as far-flung as a Montreal grocery store and a desert commune.

• I ordered a bunch of Clementine Morrigan’s zines and they’re soooo good. She writes with profound acuity about love, trauma, kink, sobriety, friendship, and queerness.

Little things

Laundry day. Solo food court dates. Seeing DeAnne Smith do stand-up from front-row centre. Peanut M&Ms (the superior movie theatre snack). Making Brent laugh with my dumb puns. Replacing the ink cartridge in my fancy pen. Bursts of creative energy at odd hours. New sheets. 24 Hours of Improv at the Bad Dog. Giant margaritas. My therapist getting extremely flustered when he accidentally made a suicide joke in front of me (lol). Letting my love borrow my lipstick. Clients who know what they want and communicate it well. Automatically generated word count goals on Scrivener. Seeing two burlesque performers do an anal fisting scene on stage (!!). Exercising my democratic right, in a really cute outfit. Watching the election results come in at the Glad Day. Martinis and theatre with my mom. Talking to a kink-nerd friend about sex research and BDSM psychology for hours. Tinder Tales at the Gladstone. Interviewing my heroes.