I was suspicious of the Acmejoy Lolita from the start, because it’s repeatedly described on its product page as being suitable for beginners.
Granted, it’s not inherently wrong to describe a sex toy as beginner-friendly – I certainly do it pretty often. But when I say that about a toy, what I tend to mean is that it will give beginners an introduction to sex toys (or to a particular category of sex toy) that is both user-friendly and pleasurable. I’ve heard from far too many people who gave up on sex toys after trying one bad one, and so I recommend certain toys to beginners the same way I’d tell a friend to start with my favorite episode of a TV show I wanted them to watch. I want their first impression to be positive and enjoyable, and for them to not feel alienated by it.
But all too often in the sex toy industry, when a toy is described as beginner-friendly, what that means is: It has a friendly and unintimidating aesthetic, but produces weak sensations. There’s an assumption being made that sex toy newbies are far more sensitive than long-time toy users, and that therefore, a toy which might disappoint an experienced user would be just fine for a beginner. I don’t think this is true – and I think it’s insulting.
A truly beginner-friendly vibrator will have a wide range of settings, so that new users can experiment to figure out what sensations they like. It should be a toy they can enjoy right out of the box but that they can also “grow into,” if, for example, they find that they want stronger vibrations a few months down the road, or want to try using a vibe internally after only using it externally. It should be versatile, varied, and forgiving.
The Acmejoy Lolita is none of those things, sadly.
But let’s back up and start with the basics. What is this toy? The Lolita – also known as the “Baby Octopus,” which is a much more apt name, seeing as that is what it looks like – is a small clitoral stimulator with two different functions, sucking and licking. The “sucking” is pressure-wave stimulation, and the “licking” is the rapid movement of a mechanical silicone tongue.
Despite what the Lolita’s inaccurate marketing copy says (“Pleasure two of your hottest hot spots at once!”), you can’t use both of these functions simultaneously, because they are located at different places on the toy. This is a cool idea in theory – you could start with licking and escalate to sucking when you’re turned on enough, or vice-versa. It is a bit odd that both functions are always on if the toy is on (there’s only one button on the toy, which controls both functions at once), but it could be useful if you plan on switching back and forth quickly between the two functions during any given session. Two vulva-owners could also theoretically get into a scissor-ish position and each use one of the toy’s functions at once, but I think it would be challenging to get the angles right.
One other potential benefit to how this toy is designed: If you want to get “sucked” by the pressure-wave part of the toy, while looking at its little silicone tongue flapping, there is a way you can position the toy so that is possible. I sometimes found this vaguely hot, as someone who watches a lot of cunnilingus porn. 🤷🏻♀️
My immediate thought, upon discovering that there’s no way to only engage one function at a time, was, “Isn’t that taxing on the motor?” In my experience with low-end to mid-range dual- and triple-stimulation toys, each of the functions tends to weaken when you turn on the other functions, because the motor isn’t typically engineered well enough to keep pace when it’s doing that much at once. It’s like trying to run The Sims on an old laptop.
Indeed, I think the Lolita’s strength suffers substantially for there being no way to use the functions individually. It’s… disappointingly weak, to say the least. Both the sucking and the licking feel very surface-level and insubstantial. Like, yeah, I know they’re happening, but my clit just doesn’t care. In my testing sessions, I was barely able to get turned on, let alone get off. And that’s with weed and porn factored into the equation.
The tongue certainly felt better than the suction. It felt slightly more impactful and even felt a bit like a real tongue at times, albeit the tongue of someone who is teasing you by giving you maddeningly gentle head. The tongue slows down significantly when pressure is applied, though, so for me, this could only ever be a tease – and not a very good one, at that.
The suction is worse – its “mouth” barely encompasses any of my clit, sitting on just the very tip of it, and it doesn’t create much of a seal or generate much sensation at all. Both the sucking and licking functions have 7 intensity settings, and there’s little difference, sensation-wise, between the lowest one and the highest. Have I mentioned that this toy is weak?!
I have some other issues with this toy, but they’re smaller quibbles that would’ve been forgivable if not for the toy’s bigger flaws. Namely:
After you reach the 7th intensity setting, if you hit the toy’s one button again in hopes of amping up the sensations further, the toy just shuts off. NO TOY SHOULD EVER DO THIS. This is a recipe for ruined orgasms.
Because the toy is spherical, it rolls around a lot and frequently falls off my nightstand. It does come with a small plastic stand, shaped like octopus tentacles, which you can sit it on top of to circumvent this problem, but I’m just not gonna keep something like that on my nightstand all the time, so it’s often not there when I need it. The shape of the toy is also awkward to hold onto – my achy and uncoordinated hands often find it hard to press its one button – and due to its roundness and smoothness, it doesn’t stay securely in place if I try to hold it between my thighs for hands-free use.
When you plug the toy in to charge, there’s no indication that it is indeed charging. Nothing lights up or buzzes or anything. You just have to guess, and hope, and pray.
I don’t like writing negative reviews, but the Acmejoy Lolita just isn’t a good toy. They’re charging $45.99 for something that doesn’t even feel as good as my fingers alone. Feel free to peruse Acmejoy’s clitoral vibes section – I know for a fact that it contains some options that are way better than the Lolita, including at least one that can actually get me off. But this one ain’t it.
I think we do sex toy consumers a disservice when we say that a weak toy is the same thing as a beginner-friendly toy. I think beginners deserve better than to be condescended to, underserved, and scared off toys altogether by bad ones that didn’t need to be made. I think that if calling your toy “good for beginners” is the only way you can make it make sense, you should probably just go back to the drawing board and make a better toy. Beginners’ tastes aren’t homogeneous, and they won’t be beginners forever. Regardless of your experience level, some toys are just bad. And this, I’m sorry to say, is one of them.
This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of the product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.