12 Days of Girly Juice

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 7 Bangin’ Selfies

Kate Sloan

Every December, I write about some of the most significant selfies I took throughout the year. Despite the fact that I spent most of 2020 sitting on my couch in my pajamas (anyone else?!), I nonetheless managed to take many photos of special moments with special people. Here are 7 of my faves!

January 13th

This was taken while Bex and I were on a work trip to Burbank, California. We had been provisionally hired to helm a sex magazine which never ended up happening (thanks, COVID) and had to spend a couple days chatting with fellow sex-industry professionals at ANME and learning about the latest innovations in the sex toy field.

They have legal weed over there, so we got a little silly. I snapped this selfie on our way back into our hotel after a smoke break in the parking lot; I had gotten wayyy too high on that legendarily strong California kush, and my childlike glee started to break through the veneer of polished adulthood we’d had to project all day at the tradeshow. Bex, sensing my over-intoxication, helped me plan my next steps, and when we got back to our room, he encouraged me to get into a hot bath and call my partner so they could take care of me over the phone.

I love this picture because it captures so much of what I love most about my friendship with Bex: our ability to make each other howl with laughter. It’s the reason our podcast has remained so fun to do all these years, and it’s one of the things I missed most about my normal, pre-pandemic social life while everything was up in the air this year.

January 17th

It’s still so wild to me that I wrote a book. It’s not coming out until September 2021, but at this point it’s been so long since I actually wrote the thing that sometimes I forget what my daily routine was like during that process. My calendar archives make it very clear, however, that I was surprisingly disciplined and productive for a chronically fatigued person, generally writing 2 short chapters every weekday for about 3 months. I’m proud of myself!

This photo was taken the night of my official book deadline. I’d submitted the completed manuscript a couple days earlier, because I have way too much anxiety to leave things like that to the last minute, but it still felt like a momentous day. My partner and my friends encouraged me to get dressed up and go out for a solo date to celebrate. I put on one of my favorite dresses and a full face of pretty makeup, and walked down to the Fairmont Royal York hotel, which contains the Library Bar, an ornate and auspicious salon filled with good books and excellent cocktails. It’s the same place Matt and I went when I ceremonially signed my book contract and had some celebratory drinks, so it made sense to return there when the book was finished, albeit by myself.

I have a lot of trouble acknowledging and celebrating my own achievements, even big ones. Part of me always believes I didn’t quite earn them, or that something will go disastrously wrong and I’ll embarrass myself somehow if I actually take ownership of what I’ve achieved. But it felt good to sip a dirty martini by myself and write in my journal about how proud I was to have written a whole goddamn book.

February 22nd

Doing shrooms for the first time was one of the oddest things I did all year. I took them (in tea form) in the early afternoon, and what followed was basically a full day of laughing, crying, dancing, marching, hallucinating, joking, and singing. Fortunately my trip-sitter and friend Brent willingly put up with all of it.

I think I took this selfie when Brent had stepped out of the room for a few minutes. His presence had been an anchor to my floaty mind, and I’d gotten mildly panicky every previous time he’d tried to step out, so this time I picked up my phone (even though my phone had been unofficially off-limits to me all day because of the loopy things I might tweet) and texted my partner so I could make it through the duration until Brent got back. But in classic “me” fashion, I also needed to take a selfie.

This picture really captures the childlike giddiness I felt for much of my shrooms trip. While I didn’t necessarily have any of the “epiphanies” many people report from psychedelics, the experience did lead me to reflect on the artifice and malleability of (some aspects of) identity – and truth be told, I like the part of me that’s silly and happy-go-lucky, whether she shows up in an age-play scene or during a shrooms trip. This photo shows a side of me I sometimes ignore or repress, but I’d probably be much happier if I let her out to play more often, like I did on that day.

March 8th

This picture is important to me because it was taken at the last big event I went to before the coronavirus shut everything down.

My mom and I went for dinner at Insomnia – y’all, I miss their kale salad with grilled chicken so much that my stomach made excited anticipatory noises as I was writing this sentence – and then we walked across the street to the Bloor Cinema, where Drunk Feminist Films was holding a screening of Cats. I had thus far avoided seeing Cats even though everyone was saying it was the most outrageously goodbad movie in decades, but I knew Drunk Feminist Films would be the best possible setting in which to see it, and I was right.

As far as “last major outings before a global pandemic” go, this one was pretty excellent. I was wearing pink sequinned cat ears. I was quite tipsy. I was with my mom, who I love and who makes me laugh a lot. There were whispers about “that coronavirus thing” but I wasn’t all that concerned yet. And I got to scream at the screen, along with hundreds of other raucous feminists, about Judi Dench breaking the fourth wall and Ian McKellen drinking milk from a bowl. I have a few coronavirus-related regrets from this year, but attending that screening of Cats is not one of them.

June 20th

After months of staying at home, the case numbers finally started to decrease to a level where I felt comfortable visiting my family, who had also remained at home except for essential trips to the grocery store or pharmacy. My mom picked up Matt and me and drove us to her house, where we drank martinis in the back yard with my mom and brother, told stories, and joked around.

I know I’m not alone in feeling that this year really emphasized the importance of family and togetherness (to the extent that such things are possible and enjoyable for you – I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a family they like, who likes them back). You can see in my face in this photo that this was no ordinary “sitting around drinking and chatting” kind of night – this was special, even though the tone was casual. I was so glad to finally get to see these people again who had seemed hundreds of miles away even when they were just across the city from me.

September 15th

This photo represents two of the major kinks Matt and I played with together this year: chastity and financial domination. While they were locked up in chastity, we decided it would be fun to do one of our long-distance “phone dates” – wherein we each go to a restaurant or bar in our respective cities and talk on the phone throughout – but for them to foot the bill for the entire evening, because sometimes it turns them on to spoil me.

I put on the set of blue Agent Provocateur lingerie Matt had bought me as an earlier financial domination task, and added (of course) the necklace on which I keep my key to their chastity cage. On top of that, I wore a blue dress and a yellow cardigan, and walked to a restaurant Matt had chosen for me in swanky Yorkville called Sassafraz. (I sat outdoors, away from other guests; me and the staff had masks on whenever possible; there was ample hand sanitizer available; etc. etc.) We chatted on the phone during dinner, and they paid for my whole meal and my Uber ride back home.

I like this photo because I look powerful in it, even though you can’t see my face. Being dominant doesn’t come naturally to me, but this year I’ve enjoyed finding new ways my dominance can manifest, and how those newer routes can help me access different sides of my dominance that feel authentic and restorative. Here’s to more kinky adventures in 2021 (hopefully also in gorgeous lingerie)!

November 14th

A wedding-day selfie was a necessary inclusion in this post, of course!

As I explained on a recent Dildorks episode about weddings, although it’s common for couples to avoid seeing each other before the event so as to preserve the surprise, Matt and I decided not to do it that way for our tiny COVID wedding. It just made more sense for us to both get ready at their apartment and then walk over to the wedding location together.

I had thought this might feel disappointing when we actually did it, but it was totally fine, and even kinda fun. On such a potentially nervewracking day, it was nice to be with the person who alleviates my nerves most skilfully – and also to share in our excitement together.

We took this selfie just before heading out to Madison Square Park to get married. We look happy, calm, and excited to continue our lives together. ❤️

 

In the comments, feel free to tell me about a favorite selfie you took this year, and what made it so special!

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 8 Brilliant Books

Kate Sloan
This is the closest thing I have to a bookstore pic from 2020 since everything has been closed for so much of the year 😭

One minor silver lining of this hellish year: not being able to go to places I’d normally go, or do things I’d normally do, left me with a lot of extra time. Some of that time was funnelled into video games (look, Tom Nook needed my help, okay?!), and some of it went into reading books instead. I spent many an hour this year stretched out in a hot bath, candles lit and Kindle in hand.

So far in 2020, I’ve read 31 books – here’s the full list, if you’re interested – but these 8 really stand out as my faves of the year. Thanks to my Kindle’s highlights functionality, I’ve also been able to pull a favorite quote from each, to give you a little taste. Read on and read up, bookworms!

 

The Mind’s Eye by Oliver Sacks

I had heard stories of people living in rain forests so dense that their far point was only six or seven feet away. If they were taken out of the forest, it was said, they might have so little idea or perception of space and distance beyond a few feet that they would try to touch distant mountaintops with their outstretched hands.

I went through a major Oliver Sacks phase in the early part of this year. Mr. Sacks, if you don’t know, was a British neurologist who also happened to be a magnificent and evocative writer. Typically, his books are filled with eloquent case studies about actual people he’s helped, usually gathered around a particular theme. The Mind’s Eye is themed around all things visual, and profiles people with various disturbances in the visual sectors of their brain, like face-blindness and neurologically-rooted color-blindness.

In the latter sections of the book, Sacks also tells the story of his own loss of stereoscopic vision when a tumor deprived him of the use of one eye. His books are always fascinating to me as someone who is nerdy about oddities of the brain, and this was one of my favorites I’ve read.

 

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

“Has anyone been informed? Who do we call?” “I should call his lawyer,” the producer said. This solution was inarguable, but so depressing that the group drank for several minutes in silence before anyone could bring themselves to speak. “His lawyer,” the bartender said finally. “Christ, what a thing. You die, and they call your lawyer.”

Soon after the coronavirus became an international news story, I started looking into books about pandemics, because sometimes wading right into your fears and worries is the best way to cathartically slough them off. One of the most-recommended pandemic novels on Twitter back in March was Station Eleven, a thrilling story that starts in a Toronto theatre on the opening night of a Shakespeare play, and ends many years later, by which time the world’s population has been decimated and society entirely restructured.

This book felt healing and reassuring to read, because so much of it is about the ways that art, music, theatre, and literature create opportunities for hope, optimism, and connection, even in irrefutably terrible times. It was also just a genuinely fun read, full of unexpected twists, memorable imagery, and well-drawn characters.

 

The End of Policing by Alex S. Vitale

By conceptualizing the problem of policing as one of inadequate training and professionalization, reformers fail to directly address how the very nature of policing and the legal system served to maintain and exacerbate racial inequality. By calling for colorblind “law and order” they strengthen a system that puts people of color at a structural disadvantage and contributes to their deep social and legal estrangement. At root, they fail to appreciate that the basic nature of the law and the police, since its earliest origins, is to be a tool for managing inequality and maintaining the status quo.

I reviewed this book just after reading it, so I won’t restate myself too much here. I’ll just say that this book lays out argument after argument for defunding the police in a way that is clear, cogent, and persuasive. If you’re on the fence about this issue – or even if you still think the police are an upstanding institution, despite so much evidence to the contrary – I think this book would be particularly informative and helpful for you.

 

Black Buck by Mateo Askaripour

Reader: Wally Cat is many things, but a fool he is not. What he told me that day was a sales lesson in disguise. The quality of an answer is determined by the quality of the question. Quote that and pay me my royalties.

This brilliant debut novel follows a young Black man as he gets plucked from a low-paying job and hired as a salesman at an almost entirely white startup. It touches on racism, and confidence, and capitalism, and the scarcity of opportunity.

It’s also one of the funniest books I read all year, easy. The voice Mr. Askaripour crafted for his protagonist is sharp and witty, friendly yet dark, goofy but sincere. This was a pleasure to read from start to finish.

 

Girl on the Net: How a Bad Girl Fell in Love by Girl on the Net

It’s a bit hard to put sex to one side when I’m talking about romance: to me romance has usually been a route to sex, like a Valentine’s card with surprise dick joke inside. A love story that doesn’t involve the odd knee-trembling grope or sticky-lubed handjob feels as incomplete as breakfast without coffee.

The sex blogger known as Girl on the Net is a legend – easily one of the best writers in my genre, always smart and often hilarious. This book tells the story of one of her long-term relationships, with a man who luckily happened to be pretty chill about the whole “sex blogger” thing. (Trust me, this is a surprisingly difficult quality to find in a man.)

It’s equal parts romantic and sexy, stuffed with life lessons that’ll help you both in and out of the bedroom. And it’s all written with GotN’s signature wit. If I’d been able to take public transit this year, I’m sure I would have turned some heads by laughing too hard on the subway while reading this.

 

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern

I will not lie: the work to heal our personal traumas and attachment wounds and the effort needed to build polysecure relationships are not easy. It takes courage, devotion and perseverance, but please trust me in knowing that it is worth it. As we heal our past, we open up new possibilities for our future.

This year I became increasingly aware of the ways my trauma history impacts the way I feel and behave in my present-day relationships. I took Clementine Morrigan’s online class on trauma-informed polyamory, and I read this book, and between those two things + getting a savvy new therapist, I feel that I’m firmly on the path to healing, though there is likely still a long way to go.

In this book, psychotherapist Jessica Fern (who is totally charming – she guested on a Dildorks episode) lays out the ways that attachment wounds can complicate non-monogamy, and what can be done about it. This is absolutely a must-read for anyone who wants to be non-monogamous but finds themselves continually triggered or re-traumatized by their forays into that relationship style.

 

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen

I understood for the first time that it is possible to lack the experience of sexual attraction without being repulsed by sex, just like it is possible to neither physically crave nor be disgusted by a food like crackers but still enjoy eating them as part of a cherished social ritual. Being repulsed by sex is a fairly obvious indication of the lack of sexual attraction, but a lack of sexual attraction can also be hidden by social performativity or wanting (and having) sex for emotional reasons—and because the different types of desire are bound together so tightly, it can be difficult to untangle the various strands.

I cannot say enough good things about this book. It is a vitally important contribution to the existing body of work on asexuality. In her clear, incisive prose, Angela Chen explains asexuality and its various facets and forms, discusses some of the biggest issues facing the asexual community today, and hypothesizes on useful lessons non-asexuals can learn from their ace peers.

Even though I’ve identified as being on the ace spectrum for a while now, there’s a lot in this book that I had never really thought about before, or at least hadn’t thought about with as much clarity as Ms. Chen brings to the table. It’s really a must-read for anyone who is interested in asexuality, from any angle.

 

Sex with Presidents: The Ins and Outs of Love and Lust in the White House by Eleanor Herman

There appears to be little difference between the thrills of seeking public power, with crowds of adoring fans, to seeking pubic power, with an adoring audience of one. The same compulsions that send a man hurtling toward the White House can also send him into a foolhardy tryst with a woman. High political office and dangerous sex are, in fact, all about hubris and power.

I just finished this the other day, and it was an absolute delight. Ms. Herman – who has previously written books on the sex lives of queens, kings, and Vatican bigwigs – has amassed a veritable treasure trove of absurd stories about salacious presidential misadventures. I know more about Lyndon Johnson’s penis and John F. Kennedy’s favorite sexual position now than I ever dreamed I’d learn.

Although she’s not too heavy-handed about it, Ms. Herman makes it clear throughout the book that systemic sexism – and often, men being outright cruel to women they claim to love – has played a huge role in presidential sex scandals. It’s hard to even grasp the number of powerful men who have cheated on their wives, fucked over their mistresses, abandoned their children, lied to the nation, etc. etc. etc. This is mainly a book about shitty men, but it’s also a book about strong women who deserved way better treatment than they ever got.

 

What books did you love this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 9 Best New Sex Toys

Kate Sloan

It is odd to be writing this from my spouse’s sofa in New York while the majority of my sex toy collection is back home in Toronto. It is odd to have to call upon sense-memories of what these products feel like, instead of just being able to pick them up, place them on my junk, and make a pronouncement borne of concrete reality. But this entire year has been odd, and so have our relationships to places and people and objects that are not located within the tiny rooms many of us have been stuck in.

So here are the 9 best sex toys I acquired in 2020, ranked according to something much more simple than the multi-categoried rating systems some sex toy reviewers adhere to – my list is based solely on how much delight the thought of each product conjures in my mind when I think of it. That has to do, I suppose, with how much pleasure these toys have given me over the year, creating a Pavlovian link between my experience of them and the sight of them, even in photos taken months ago and 500 miles away.

 

9. Dame Arc (available at SheVibe)

I told you about this toy very recently, so I won’t blather on about it here. Suffice it to say, it’s a G-spot vibe that manages to be much more than that – and it looks very pretty on my nightstand, in my hand, and in my holes. I look forward to seeing whatever Dame does in 2021!

 

 

8. Vibratex Magic Wand Plus (available at SheVibe, Peepshow, Come As You Are [Canada], and the Smitten Kitten)

I admire Vibratex for committing so steadfastly to making a toy that is neither flashy nor fancy. The thing about wand vibrators is that they do not need to have either of those qualities; they just need to be strong, rumbly, easy to hold, and easy to operate. This is why the wand category in any sex shop, online or offline, can be one of the plainest-looking sections but can also garner some of the highest customer ratings of the entire catalogue.

The Magic Wand Plus is the Platonic ideal of a plug-in wand vibrator. It does what you expect it to do, and no more, because that’s all it needs to do. It’s not exciting or interesting, nor does it have to be in order to keep its prized spot plugged in next to my bed, where it will likely remain for years to come, called upon a few times a week to deliver efficient and predictable orgasms. It’s like the friend of yours who is never the life of the party but is always the designated driver for whom your heart explodes with drunken love at the end of every evening out. I love it; I think most people would.

 

7. We-Vibe Nova 2 (available at SheVibe, Peepshow, Come As You Are [Canada], and the Smitten Kitten)

Finding a rabbit vibrator that works for your body is like finding a pair of jeans that works for your body: harder for some people than others, and a huge mood-booster when it finally happens. My Nova 2 and my favorite Madewell jeans have in common the ability to make me heave a sigh of relief: My body isn’t weird or broken after all!

The problem of creating a universally-useable dual-stimulation vibe has plagued the sex toy industry since dual-stim toys became a thing, and We-Vibe made big strides with their Nova 2. Its flexible arms give it more customizability and adaptability than any rabbit vibe I’ve ever tried. If you’re determined to get a dual-stim toy (and frankly, I think two separate toys are the better call for most people), this is the one I would recommend.

 

6. Hot Octopuss Amo (available at SheVibe and Peepshow)

Lots of my pals with penises are jealous of the vast variety of vibrators available to people with vulvas; Hot Octopuss’s rumbly-as-fuck dick vibes are some of the only products that’ve ever made me wish I had a penis. So it was thrilling that the company evidently used its profound knowledge of good motors to create such a powerful bullet vibe.

It can feel a bit vulnerable and worrying to be a person who sometimes needs vibration to get off – I often find myself feeling jealous of friends and partners who can get off just about anywhere, using only their hand (or, like, a partner’s thigh). But with small vibrators as powerful as this one on the market, I feel much more equipped to have sexual adventures away from home, even impromptu ones! (…Post-pandemic, I mean.)

 

5. Satisfyer Curvy 2

I’m not sure why this doesn’t seem to be sold at any reputable North American stores, or why I was given one at ANME if Satisfyer didn’t plan on making it available over here, but nonetheless… The Curvy 2 is probably my favorite pressure-wave toy at the moment, and the one that feels the most like good oral sex to me. The nozzle is a good size for my clit, and the shape and size of the toy are ergonomic even for my achy hands.

This toy also has the benefit of being useable as a G-spot vibrator if you flip it around. And the Satisfyer app remains one of the best and most responsive sex toy apps I’ve ever used. While I wish this company would quit plagiarizing Fun Factory so much, I can’t deny that some of their designs are brilliantly unique, and the Curvy 2 is a prime example.

 

4. Clone-a-Willy (available at SheVibe and Peepshow)

Maybe listing this toy here is sort of cheating because what I’m really commenting on is the size and shape of my partner’s dick, not a pre-made dildo… but… the Clone-a-Willy is a fun product in and of itself, because you get to do a science experiment that ends with you owning a brand-new vibrating dildo!

I think this is one of the most inventive products on the market. It has occasionally been imitated but has never been replicated. It is just so cool to be able to make a copy of your favorite dick (or dildo, or cucumber, or fist…), especially so affordably.

 

3. Laid D2 (available at Peepshow)

I mean… it’s a beautiful, smooth, heavy dildo made of 500-million-year-old granite. It can hit my G-spot and my A-spot. What’s not to like?!

This toy has even made its way into the rotation of dildos my spouse routinely uses to fuck me – which is a high honor, because usually they stick to toys I’ve owned forever and that we know work well for me, like the Eleven and Double Trouble. The D2 is just that good.

 

2. Kinklab Power Tripper (available at SheVibe and Come As You Are [Canada])

I bought this for Matt as an anniversary present last year, and it was definitely one of those “this is technically for you but secretly it’s also for me” gifts. The Power Tripper is an attachment for the Neon Wand, an electrostimulation toy. When you plug the Power Tripper into the Neon Wand and then tuck it into the waistband of your underwear (or somewhere else on your body), you yourself become an E-stim toy. Every time you touch your partner, they’ll feel a zap of pain wherever you made contact.

This is really fun for sadomasochistic play, because it makes the whole process feel more organic and intuitive. It’s like being able to pick up a slice of pizza with your hands when you were previously trying to knife-and-fork your way through it. I didn’t bring any of my other Neon Wand attachments with me to New York this time because they’re delicate and bulky, but it’s okay because the Power Tripper is basically all we need at this point.

 

1. New York Toy Collective Carter (available at SheVibe and Come As You Are [Canada])

This dildo brings me so much joy, whether it’s strapped into my Aslan Leather harness, or slamming into me while my partner grips it firmly, or just sitting on a windowsill looking pretty. It was a Valentine’s Day gift from Matt, in my two favorite colors, and is simply one of the prettiest dildos I’ve ever owned.

But it’s not just pretty. It’s squishy and comfy and flexible and can also hit all my internal spots with aplomb. And I just feel better using it than I do with mass-produced toys from mainstream companies, because New York Toy Collective is a Black-, trans-, and queer-owned business, so I’m happy to support them whenever I can.

 

What were your favorite sex toys of the year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 10 Perfect Sex Songs

Kate Sloan

We have arrived at one of my favorite 12 Days of Girly Juice instalments: the one where I tell you about some of the sexiest songs I grooved on this year! I will admit that while this list was originally meant to be literal sex songs, i.e. songs you would want to listen to while having sex, it has transformed over the years and become moreso a list of songs that feel sexual or sensual in some way, but aren’t necessarily sexy, if that makes sense. You’ll see what I mean…

As ever, here’s a Spotify playlist that contains all of this year’s picks + those from every previous year I’ve done this. Enjoy!

Her’s – Low Beam

I know what you’re thinking / You can take me for a ride / Baby, hit me harder / ‘Cause I’m never gonna hide / You can keep on running, but you’re running out of track / I’m-a keep it coming, as a matter of fact

I wrote a bit about this band last year; they’re a duo who were tragically killed in a car crash in 2019, so listening to them is very bittersweet. I’m absolutely enamored with their sound – the peppy guitar parts, the sensuous harmonies, the singer’s deep and morose voice.

I don’t really know what “Low Beam” is about – this band’s lyrics can be charmingly opaque at times – but I do know that it was a central component of my first shrooms trip in February. For some reason, the line “You can keep on running, but you’re running out of track” got lodged in my head and became a mantra, an affirmation, a tether, an anchor. I begged my trip-sitter Brent to put this song on the stereo several times throughout that day, and danced my ass off every time. This song just… feels good in my body and brain, like laughing at a party with friends, or strutting down the street on a sunny day, or – yes – excellent sex.

Brotherkenzie – Poems on My Phone

I’ve got the thought of you inside my bed / That thought’s the only thought inside my head / Mezcal left over from my birthday week / Still here, but without you it’s hard to drink

Brotherkenzie’s Big What was hands-down one of my favorite new albums this year. It’s contemplative, groovy, worried, and weird. “Poems on My Phone” stands out as a particularly poppy, hooky tune, and is also probably the sexiest track on the record.

It’s a “relatable mood,” as the kids are saying, because it’s about that feeling when someone you’re crushing on goes away for a while and you just can’t get them out of your head. The beat of this tune has the same plodding inevitability as intrusive infatuated thoughts: they just keep coming, uncontrollably, while you’re trying to focus on other things, and all you can really do about it is write poems on your phone.

Marika Hackman – Send My Love

Are you coming home to feel alone? / Did you love me tonight, or any night of our lives? / It’s never gonna be like it was before / The writing’s on the floor

I discovered this song while trying to scope out some lesbian drama online. The ever-fantastic Amber Bain, of the Japanese House (a band that’s appeared on this list more than once), dated fellow singer/songwriter Marika Hackman for years (so I gather), and indeed, several songs on her quintessential breakup album Good at Falling are about Marika. One day I was creeping through Amber’s social media posts and saw she had given her now-ex’s new album a resounding recommendation – and her favorite track, she said, was “Send My Love.” Obviously I had to give it a listen.

Marika’s sweet, lilting voice was so interesting to hear for the first time after listening to her ex warbling about her in a comparatively sad, gravelly voice for years. This song feels to me like Imogen Heap and Phoebe Bridgers’ lovechild – a driving rhythm, a pretty melody, a thoughtful vibe, and gay undertones out the wazoo.

Sarah Harmer – Late Bloomer

Never thought I’d be the marrying kind / It was nothing to be always left behind / From the ship that would sail with everyone on it / I said, “Give me the land – I know what I want and where I’m wanted” / But you came in whistling, “I’ll go if you’ll go” / And I was waiting around to play like an old piano

Okay, I know not everyone will think this song is sexy, but something about Sarah Harmer’s voice makes me into a crushy queer mess – and this song overflows with romantic tension moreso than sexual tension, the former being, paradoxically, sometimes the sexiest kind of tension. (To me, anyway.)

Sarah sings in this song about (so far as I can tell) falling hard for someone at a time when you felt sure you’d never fall that hard again. She sings about two people who thought they’d never get married, realizing that maybe they want to marry each other. It’s a last-ditch romance, a late-arriving passion, lost opportunities fading away to make room for new love. Sarah’s voice is clear and high one moment, and sexy and throaty the next. To me, this song feels like having a crush – but maybe I just have a crush on Sarah Harmer.

Alina Baraz – Take it Home

You say that you want someone to hold / I just wanna get you all alone / You just gotta say it / Don’t you keep me waiting

Alina’s been on this list every year it’s existed and the reason is clear: everything she makes is sexy. She’s in fine form here – breathy and sweet, full of yearning, singing over deep beats and smooth guitars that feel like being laid out on a big bed in a dim room by someone you’re excited to fuck.

I still find it amazing that you can hit “shuffle” on Alina Baraz’s whole discography and it’ll make the ideal sonic backdrop for sex, no matter what ends up playing. I mean. Could Alina be any more perfect?!

John Mayer – Do You Know Me?

It’s just the strangest thing / I’ve seen your face somewhere / An early evening dream / A past-life love affair / Do you know me at all?

This song came out in 2009 so I’m not sure how it’s never made its way onto this list before… It’s one of the most beautiful things John Mayer has ever written – which probably doesn’t sound like a high honor unless you’ve been a JM superfan at some point in your life like I have, because his hit songs are never the prettiest/smartest/best ones. But he’s masterful with pretty jazz chords and delicate guitar riffs, and this song is a prime example.

The lyrics are simple and spare, so it’s not totally clear what the song’s about, but I think it’s about that feeling when you see someone across the room at a party or a bar and you get the immediate sense that they’re going to be meaningful to you. Sometimes this instant resonance feels like love at first sight; sometimes it feels more like déja vu. Either way, it can be so impactful that it knocks you off your feet.

Missy Bauman – Why Do We Fight?

Is loving me too much for you? / You say that that’s unfair to you / The way that I just stared at you / I love you, I love you

I’m a little biased because my brother played drums on this track, but it really is stunning. “Dreamy drug folk” singer Missy‘s voice is clear as a bell here, sad, sensuous, sparkly. This song kinda sounds like what would result if My Brightest Diamond covered a Weeknd song: haunting, tragic, yet oddly sexy.

You know that period of time near the end of a relationship when you’re still having sex, but you know with near-certainty that you’re going to break up sometime soon? This song feels like that. Like the last gasps of something that used to feel good, and still does, a little.

Broken Social Scene – All to All

Call of forgiveness / I’m like the beat of the hurt / I’m not the only one you tried to save / When you fell out

I stumbled across this song because I was fervently Googling the beautiful Lisa Lobsinger, big-haired and soft-voiced lead singer of the long-defunct band Reverie Sound Revue (who I’ve mentioned on this list previously). She occasionally sings for Broken Social Scene, a “super-band” known for its huge rotating cast of players from the Canadian music world, like Feist and Emily Haines.

One of the magical things about Lisa Lobsinger is that she can make you feel things even if you can’t understand what she’s actually saying (and you often can’t). She can also take lyrics that don’t really make sense, and make them feel like a coherent emotional statement. All this to say: I have no clue what this song is about, but I know that it feels like it’s about regret, remorse, missed opportunities, “right place, wrong time,” and the way we ruminate when a relationship ends but we desperately wish it had not.

Chet Atkins – Take Five

This guitar arrangement of the Dave Brubeck Quartet classic is searching and chaotic and weird. “Take Five” is known among jazz nerds for its unusual quintuple time signature; most songs count to 3 or 4 in every bar, but this one counts to 5. To me, this makes “Take Five” feel more like the way bodies actually move in the dark. Fucking isn’t always steady or predictable; sometimes there’s sudden pauses to readjust, or brief interludes of still whispers, or hard thrusts thrown in like a wrench in the works. Our bodies and their rhythms are deeply erratic and that’s part of why they’re also erotic.

I heard this guitar version of the song while I was out somewhere, and Shazam’ed it immediately, because I was stunned by the skill involved. The original is a sax playing an iconic melody over top of some supportive piano chords, but Chet Atkins has somehow managed to cram all that complexity into a guitar arrangement he apparently played all at once, all by himself. If the Brubeck version feels like off-kilter sex, this version feels like off-kilter masturbation – equally charming, but in its own way.

Andy Shauf – Changer

I heard you’re back in town / Working at the drugstore / Did you get the city blues? / That, I can relate to / Change on, changer

Andy Shauf’s The Neon Skyline is probably my favorite new album of 2020. What can I say – I just love the guy. A quiet Canadian indie legend who pens thoughtful songs about made-up characters in made-up situations, he’s the type of brilliant songwriter who can make me cry through a computer screen. (And indeed he did, this year, when he played the sad gay unrequited love song “To You” on a fundraiser concert stream. I literally could not stop the tears from flowing and flowing. I think I got a bit dehydrated. Dammit, Andy.)

“Changer” is the closing track of Skyline; the protagonist has just spent the entire album yearning for his recent ex, Judy, and awkwardly trying to get her back, and “Changer” is a moment of sad reflection at the end of a drunken night. Judy has changed, while her mopey ex has not. He still wants her; she just wants to move on. I can picture this song playing on the jukebox at the Skyline bar where the album takes place, as our hero slow-dances with someone whose name he doesn’t know, trying to forget the love he doesn’t get to have anymore.

 

What sexy (or sexy-adjacent) songs did you love this year?

12 Days of Girly Juice 2020: 11 Favorite Blog Posts

Kate Sloan
Blogger babe in her natural habitat, i.e. reading a sex book and drinking a cocktail in bed

By the time this year is over, I will have published 108+ blog posts on this website in 2020… Wow. Not as many as some previous years, but pretty good, considering that this year we had to deal with pandemic depression/displacement, and I also finished my book and got married!

It was a tough choice, but I think these are my 11 favorite blog posts I wrote this year… Feel free to go back and check ’em out if you’re looking for something to read!

 

I started off the year by writing about “The Most Beautiful Shoes in the World.” It’s a love letter to Loubs, a tribute to towering shoes, a manifesto on wobbly glamour. It’s also an essay about the tension between feminism and wanting/wearing pretty things, which unfortunately is a debate we’re still having in 2020.

Sometimes I write posts just as much for my own benefit as for my readers’, and that was the case with “Party-Going Tips for Shy, Anxious Introverts”! Most of this advice is fairly straightforward, but anxiety can make it difficult to remember even the most basic of coping mechanisms at the moment that you need them – so it’s good to have a “cheat sheet” at the ready, for whenever we can attend parties in person again!

Doing shrooms for the first time was definitely one of the most exciting things I did all year, so it was a lot of fun to write “20 Questions About My First Shrooms Trip.” I had some shrooms left over that I planned to use while alone at some point, but I think they’ve long since expired because I felt it would be too depressing/disorienting to do trippy psychedelics during a pandemic – even small sad things made me cry when I talked about them while tripping, so I thought it best to avoid shrooms while the world is so full of big sad things that are front-and-centre in our perception every day!

Writing fashion posts is a lot of fun for me, and I was glad to be able to do a lot more of that this year. It kinda surprised me that I hadn’t already written “What to Wear on Valentine’s Day” because I have a lot of opinions on this subject! In a broader sense, I think this is a post about the psychologically restorative power of dressing in a celebratory way – something that felt crucially important for me and many others while we were stuck at home for much of the year.

Sometimes it’s nice to write something really simple, like “How to Do Solo Foreplay.” Working in sex media for so long has shown me that some of the most “basic” sexual questions are ones that aren’t answered sufficiently in sex education, so a lot of people turn to Google, hoping it’ll fill them in. I also think solo foreplay became a particularly relevant topic this year even for sexually knowledgeable people, because masturbating and having sex during a pandemic (and, later, an attempted coup) is a whole different vibe and requires you to tune out your surroundings and tune into your pleasure even more than usual.

I was delighted to finally get to review the Clone-a-Willy after wanting one for many years! Writing this review was especially fun because it was more about a scientific process than a finished product. I really like how ours came out, and will probably do another one sometime soonish, since my pals at TheVibed recently sent me a glow-in-the-dark Clone-a-Willy kit as a wedding present!

I’m still as annoyed as I was when I wrote “Le Wand Keeps Copying Other Companies’ Sex Toy Designs,” especially since I’ve observed and heard about even more instances of this since I wrote that post (including the striking and no doubt not-coincidental similarities between Le Wand’s B-Vibe plugs and an older Mr. S Leather butt plug [link very NSFW], a fact I edited into my post after publication). I don’t want to be mad at Le Wand, and I wish they were better – I just really dislike plagiarism and think it’s inexcusable, especially in a field like sex toys where so many people struggle so much to get their original and inventive designs seen and produced. I hope this becomes less of a problem in 2021, but I’m not holding my breath.

I wrote “Handbags in the Age of Coronavirus” during a spell of femme obsession with leather bags galore. Despite being partly a celebration of materialism, it was also a contemplative essay on the role of aesthetic-based consumerism during a demoralizing pandemic, and the uselessness/usefulness of handbags while many of us were forced to stay home. (I ended up buying 3 new bags this year, if you’re wondering!)

Solo dates are one of the things I’ve missed most during the pandemic. Maybe it’s odd to miss a solitary experience in a year so full of loneliness and isolation… but a solo date isn’t quite a solitary experience, because mine always take place at locations other people also frequent, like bars, bookstores, and movie theatres. I wrote “15 Ways to Take Yourself on a Date During COVID Times” both for myself and for my readers, because I had been sorely missing the introvert-recharging powers of solo dates for those months of quarantine. Sadly, this post is still relevant 5 months later… although most of my suggestions require more outerwear now than they did then!

“How to Write 1,000 Blog Posts” was me reflecting on the ridiculous archive of writing I’ve built up here and trying to offer some advice on long-term blogging – including on idea generation, motivation, compensation, and transformation. Wonder how many more posts I’ll end up writing!

Finally, of course, I would be remiss not to include “I’m Engaged!!! Here’s the Story…” in this list! I’m so glad I chronicled this really important evening so soon after it happened, so I can remember it forever. Matt’s proposal still makes me sigh happily whenever I think about it.

 

I’ll end with a little mini-list within this bigger list… Here are my 11 favorite essays I wrote this year in my weekly newsletter, Sub Missives, which you are welcome to subscribe to if you want a more personal and intimate view into my brain:

 

What blog posts did you really love this year? (Not necessarily from my blog, of course!) What do you think I should write in 2021?