asexuality

Monthly Faves: Dildos, Diamonds, & Democracy

Kate Sloan

This month has been a weird one… but then again, I think I’ve been writing some version of that every month here since March… or maybe even since November 2016… *sigh* Anyway, here are some of the things that brought me joy this month! What are yours?

P.S. Uhhh, happy Halloween, I guess? Here’s a couple of relevant things I’ve written in the past, incase you wanna get into the spooky spirit a li’l bit: a review of the “Batcock” Vixen Leo dildo, and some thoughts on what a grown-up Wednesday Addams would keep in her sex toy drawer.

 

Media

• I re-watched American Horror Story: Cult with mb this month and could not believe how relevant it felt to our current moment, geopolitically and socioculturally. AHS pulled no punches in calling out the gaslighting, fearmongering, and fascism of Trump-supporting sects, and it all felt eerily prescient.

• Someone on Twitter spoke highly of the 1997 thriller The Game so mb and I checked it out, and… wow. It’s very unsettling, astonishingly well-acted, and reminds me a lot of the kink concept of “consensual non-consent.” Would recommend if you’re into CNC and/or the feeling of being consensually gaslit by a piece of media.

• The new book Ace by Angela Chen is a must-read if you’re interested in asexuality, whether you’re ace yourself, uncertain, or just want to understand asexuality and ace-spectrum identities better. I loved how this book covered the history of the asexuality movement along with the present-day obstacles it faces.

• If your Thursday nights are wide open these days, due to lockdown or other factors, I would highly recommend you join me in watching the Bad Dog Theatre’s live online improv show Theatresports for the next several Thursdays! It’s hosted by the incomparable and hilarious Tom Hearn (who showed up last week wearing the most over-the-top and beautiful false eyelashes and drag makeup) and really reminds me that, even though I love longform improv the most, shortform can be fall-off-the-couch funny too!

• The virtual play Circle Jerk – produced by Jeremy O. Harris, whose brilliant Slave Play was recently nominated for 12 (!!) Tony awards – was a delightful quick-change satire about, among other things, the problematic tendencies of the white gay male community. I’ve been fascinated by all the inventive ways that theatre artists are using the Zoom (etc.) medium for their art this year, and this was a particularly inventive usage!

• I just started reading Eleanor Herman’s book Sex with Presidents, which tells the tales of presidential sex scandals through the ages, and also speculates on the psychological and sociocultural forces that shape political leaders into sexual rulebreakers (or that lead sexual rulebreakers to pursue careers in politics!). Really interesting stuff for sex nerds and politics nerds alike.

• My favorite porn creator of the moment is Velvet Veronica, a soft-yet-mean femdom with a Canadian accent. She gives some of the best handjobs in the biz (IMO) and is a cocktease extraordinaire. Respect!

 

Products

• I tried out the Satisfyer app this month when my partner wanted to “go down on me” during phone sex, and it worked way better than I was expecting it to. As much as I adore We-Vibe products, I’ve had a ton of connectivity issues with their app, so I was surprised by how comparatively stable and reliable the Satisfyer one is.

• The Laid D2 granite dildo is still a current fave! My partner likes using it on me, too.

• I bought packing cubes in preparation for my journey to NYC (don’t worry, the airline was actually great about temp checks, mask rules, contact tracing, and social distancing, and there’s even free COVID testing available at LaGuardia now) and they have changed my life. Such a genius way to simultaneously organize all your clothes (underwear in one, T-shirts in another, etc.) and compress them down to a suitcase-friendly size!

• I’ve really been enjoying false lashes lately! (Meandering philosophical blog post on this topic to come, trust.) So far, my favorite pair I’ve tried is these House of Lashes ones in the “Cecile” style. Will prob wear them to my wedding!

• A recent findom gift from my love: this ultra-cute, tiny black leather crossbody bag with a chain strap. It’s kind of the perfect bag for the COVID era, in that I never really need to carry much more than a phone, a debit card, photo ID, and an extra mask when I go out these days… I’m hoping that in some far-off future, I’ll get to carry this to soirées, dance clubs, comedy shows, etc.!

• I mentioned The Sims 4 here last month and it still rules. Just wanted to add that if, like me, you are a non-monogamous and/or slut-positive Simmer, you can hit Ctrl+Shift+C and type in the cheat “traits.equip_trait trait_Player” and it’ll make it so that your currently active Sim can kiss/date/WooHoo with as many people as they want and no one will get jealous about it. Pretty perf.

• Um, obviously I would be remiss not to mention my engagement ring here?! It is still the most stunning thing I have ever owned… or maybe even seen… The other day we went and looked at wedding bands and I spent most of the time just staring at my engagement ring instead, tbh!

 

Work & Appearances

• The CBC asked me to write a piece on what dating is like when you live with chronic pain. It was fun/sad/cathartic/healing to dig up some of these old stories from the days when I was more active on the dating scene (and didn’t know as much yet about how my pain worked)!

• I was invited onto the What Women Want podcast, along with brilliant kinky writer Daphne Matthews, to discuss the kinds of messages/dates/etc. that put us off people and the kinds that actually excite us. It was an interesting chat that touched on kink, consent, respect, and gender, among other things!

• My friend Brent asked if I’d join him in guesting on the Man-Thing Minute, a podcast that celebrates Marvel’s Man-Thing comic. We had so much fun and I laughed so hard I cried!

• I also chatted with digital marketing expert Tod Maffin about how I wrote 1,000 blog posts. Tod and I have known each other online for nearly 2 decades so it was fun to catch up with him on his show!

• This month I put together ukulele arrangements for, and made videos of, two of my favorite songs at the moment: Alone Again, Naturally by Gilbert O’Sullivan, and Saw You in a Dream by the Japanese House. My partner and I have a new-ish protocol where I have to learn (or write) and record at least one song a month, and it’s been really fun so far!

• On the Dildorks this month, Bex and I did a two-part series about sexual boundaries, and then discussed 24/7 D/s dynamics and sexual sensitivity.

• In my newsletter this month, I wrote about how body dysmorphia fucks with sexual arousal, why so many of my Sims are queer, doing my first (sorta) cuckolding scene, where I fall on the asexuality spectrum, and why I love my engagement ring!

 

Good Causes

• Since the U.S. Supreme Court for some reason just gained a member who seems to think people with uteruses should be stuck in the past forever in terms of our rights and freedoms, now would be a great time to donate to an organization that fights for reproductive rights and/or offers sexual health services, such as the Mississippi Reproductive Freedom Fund, Arkansas Abortion Support Network, Yellowhammer Fund, or any of the other orgs on this list.

• The National Center for Transgender Equality could also use your donations now that the Supreme Court has stepped back into the dark ages.

• The ACLU is doing some fantastic work across multiple areas of the fight for civil liberties. Toss ’em your money in this scary time so they can do their best to fend off the darkness of bigoted fascism.

• Please, friends in the U.S., make sure you vote in this election! Obviously I want you to vote for the candidate who’s not a fascist megalomaniac angling for a dictatorship, and who hasn’t been directly responsible for the death of over 200,000 citizens of his own country, but hey, you do you. If you’re confused about voting for any reason (where to go, what to bring, where to drop off your mail-in ballot, etc.), check out IWillVote.com or BetterKnowABallot.com for all the deets. If you plan to vote in person, especially on election day, make sure you bring some snacks + water + entertainment, because you may have to wait in line a while. And wear your mask! (God, I sound like I’m trying to be your mom. Hey, whatever works.)

21 Perfectly Valid Reasons to Have Sex Other Than Sexual Attraction

Kate Sloan

I came out as demisexual recently, and found myself looking back at many of my past sexual experiences through the lens of this new knowledge. It became clear pretty quickly that I haven’t been sexually attracted to all, or even most, of my past sexual partners. But here’s the thing: that’s not necessarily bad!

See, as many asexual and ace-spectrum folks already know, there are plenty of reasons besides sexual attraction that people can and do pursue sex. While many of these people (including me) have no doubt encountered creeps who try to get you to have sex you don’t want, it is possible to want sex even in the absence of sexual attraction. I don’t necessarily advocate or have sex for all of these reasons myself, but here are 21 possible reasons you might like to bang even if you’re not viscerally attracted to the person you’re banging…

1. Pleasure and/or orgasm. I mean, of course. Isn’t this why a lot of people have sex? It feels good. You don’t necessarily have to be super attracted to someone for them to be able to give you pleasure, especially if they’re sexually skilled and/or you’re good at communicating what works for you.

2. Fun. Maybe you’re bored. Maybe you want to let loose. Maybe you just like the “adult playtime” nature of sex. It’s one of the few spaces in adult life where we really get to play around and be goofy!

3. Intimacy. Whether you’re in a relationship, considering a friends-with-benefits arrangement, or just have a crush you want to get closer to, sometimes sex is a way to deepen your emotional connection with someone. Being intimate (in the literal way, not the euphemistic way) is one of life’s great joys.

4. Adventure, exploration, and curiosity. Maybe you’re trying to figure out if you’re ace, and want to give sex a shot just to check. Maybe you suspect you’re kinky but think you won’t know until you try some stuff. Maybe you just like the way sex allows you to explore more parts of your psyche – and of someone else’s.

5. Reproduction. Had to mention it. Perfectly valid. Obviously common.

6. A self-esteem boost. Granted, this practice can get unhealthy fast, particularly if you start over-relying on sex to prop up your self-image – but if you just need to feel better about yourself once in a while, sometimes sex can help with that.

7. Stress relief. Pleasure and orgasm can help relax you after a hard day or take your mind off a difficult experience. They can also help you release your inhibitions, if you’re feeling a little boxed-in lately.

8. Relief from arousal. Look, sometimes your body can feel like it “needs to” get off or you won’t be able to concentrate on anything else. Sex can often relieve that (as can masturbation, natch). Then, once you’re done, you can get back to work, or do whatever else your arousal was making difficult.

9. Pain relief. As this chronic-pain sufferer well knows, the naturally analgesic effects of sex and orgasm can be a godsend at times.

10. To fall asleep. I’ve heard from many aces that they use masturbation basically as a sleeping pill. You can use sex that way too, as long as your prospective partner is okay with you zonking out immediately afterward!

11. Exercise, endorphins, or warmth. Sex (especially the more aerobic varieties) boosts your heart rate, raises your body temp, and gets those sweet sweet endorphins flowing. Yummm.

12. To transgress or make a political statement. It can feel powerful – especially as a queer or kinky person, or someone who’s been socialized to think their sexuality should be kept quiet – to have sex almost as an act of rebellion. Hell yeah.

13. To enjoy kink. You don’t need sex (or sexual attraction) to be part of your kink play if you don’t want it to. There are many ace or ace-spectrum people who derive great joy and fulfilment from kink but don’t necessarily want sex to intermingle with that every time or ever.

14. To nurture and comfort someone. Say your (allosexual) partner’s had a rough day and you know sex reliably cheers them up and de-stresses them. It can be nice to have “sympathy sex” sometimes. (Only if you want to, of course.)

15. To practice or feel competent. When you do something well, sometimes that sense of mastery can be a boon for your mood. Maybe you’re really good at oral sex and want to show that off and feel like a sex genius for a while. Or maybe you just want to practice your sexual skills so you’ll have them under your belt (so to speak) later on when you fuck someone you’re more attracted to.

16. To soothe your heart after a breakup. They do say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else…

17. Money or gifts. Sex work is valid! Sugar babies are valid! Frivolous materialism is valid!

18. Power. There may be situations where sex can procure you a higher standing in a particular social group, or can even get you a better job. I’m not saying I necessarily advocate this, but… it does happen, and I wouldn’t blame you for making that choice.

19. Religion, spirituality, or transcendence. Lots of people access some kind of “God state” through sex, or include it in their spiritual rituals. It can be a way to escape the bounds of yourself and convene with something bigger than you.

20. Gender affirmation. Maybe particular kinds of sex, or sex with particular kinds of people, makes you feel better in your gender or in your body. Totally cool and probably common!

21. Empowerment or reclamation. For some people, it’s powerful to reclaim sex and pleasure after sexual trauma – in your own way and on your own terms. I support you wholeheartedly.

What are some non-attraction-related reasons you like to have sex?

So… I’m Demisexual!

Kate Sloan

“A demisexual person is someone who does not experience sexual attraction to another person unless or until they have formed an emotional connection with that person. It’s more commonly seen in, but by no means confined, to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being ‘halfway between’ sexual and asexual.” -the AVENwiki page on demisexuality

Have you ever heard of demisexuality? Prior to this one, my only post about it was from many years ago, when my boyfriend at the time told me he thought he might be demi. I wrote about it with skepticism, because the premise of it seemed strange to me. You can only become sexually attracted to someone after you have an emotional connection with them? Okay, how is that different from how… many, if not most, people experience attraction?

But in the years since, my own sexuality has shifted and mellowed, and I’ve come to understand that I myself am demisexual. Plot twist!

When that (now ex-)boyfriend came out to me as demi, in struggling to understand his orientation, I asked him, “So when you’re walking down the street, you never see someone you find sexually attractive and would like to have sex with?” and he told me, “No.” I later heard him say to a friend that, while he could appreciate that women other than me were pretty, he didn’t see them as hot; he just “didn’t work that way.”

While my attractions are not as monogamously-focused as that, I’ve come to understand (I think) what he was feeling. I used to see people on the street I’d like to fuck, and now I don’t anymore. My desire to have sex with someone is rare and highly contextual. Usually it pops up after a few dates, or a lot of texting, or reading their tweets for months. I have to know their brain and their heart, or my genitals just aren’t interested.

I sometimes wonder – as so many folks on the asexuality spectrum do, when grappling with internalized acephobia – if this orientation is the result of difficult past experiences. While I wouldn’t describe any sexual encounters from my “slutty phase” as traumatic, I do think that all those lackluster hookups with people I barely knew probably had an effect on me. Too often, I basically dissociated during sex from the utter weirdness of banging someone you’re not (yet) attracted to, which meant that not only did I not enjoy the sex, but I wasn’t always able to make it a fun experience for my partners either. Maybe I came to associate “not knowing someone well” with “terrible sex,” or maybe demisexuality crept fluidly and reasonlessly into my sexual orientation as these things are wont to do, or maybe it was a combination of both. Either way, I’m now saddled with the reality of never wanting to fuck someone unless I’m intimately acquainted with, and excited by, their mind.

The only exception to this, in the years and months I’ve been turning over this identity in my mind, is my current partner. I knew after just a few minutes of conversation that I wanted to fuck them. But then again, those minutes of conversation were unusually intimate and cerebral for a first date, and we had already flirted a little in our Twitter DMs. We weren’t starting from zero – and if we had been, I don’t think the date would have ended as wonderfully and lasciviously as it did.

My partner – who is not demi, but understands it well – has pointed out to me what appear to be hints of burgeoning demisexuality in my work and my life. They’ve noticed that when I write about crushes, usually I’m writing about their competence or their words rather than their physicality. They’ve heard me waffle and groan about dates I didn’t want to go on, simply because I hadn’t given myself enough of a chance to become attracted yet. They’ve seen the way I melt moreso from things they do or say than from the way they look, smell, or feel (though those things are great too). It felt validating to have someone confirm to me that my attractions operate a bit differently from the norm, and that the demi label therefore fits.

The other biggest confirmation of this identity, for me, has been the random men on the internet who try to sext with me. Granted, most women don’t respond well to this type of thing in their DMs – but even in contexts where sexting is expected and perhaps even consensual, like Tinder, it leaves me cold if the person on the other side of the screen is a stranger. Even if they’re weaving beautiful sentences backed up by anatomical knowledge, sexual adventurousness, and feminist ideology, I am only ever, at best, mildly interested. But sexting with someone I’ve had hours-long conversations with? That’s a totally different story.

I think that this development directly contributed to me abruptly losing almost all interest in dating apps and hooking up, way back in early 2017. Scouring potential matches’ bios while all but ignoring their photos, and automatically recoiling if they got too sexual too fast, made me all too aware of how different my preferred approach is from what’s being offered on these apps. Even sites traditionally understood to be more personality-focused, like OkCupid, make me feel lost in a sea of “maybes.” How am I supposed to know if I find someone attractive enough to talk to them… if I haven’t already talked to them?!

If and when I ever get over my distaste for dating new people, I think the best approach for me will be to meet up with people IRL as soon as possible if they seem interesting. Maybe that seems counterintuitive, but I’d rather get an attraction simmering ASAP than lead someone on by messaging back and forth for weeks when I’m not even sure if I’m into them.

I’ve also found it helpful to state upfront in my dating bios that I’m looking to date, not hook up. And when it comes to actual dates, I now prefer to schedule them for mid-day – say, coffee or lunch – so that sex isn’t really presented as an option, at least until I know them well enough to know if I want to fuck them. Knowing about these “demisexual life hacks” helps me feel more confident in my ability to rejoin the dating world when I’m ready.

For now, though, I’m predictably really enjoying having consistent sex with two people I know quite well. It’s a demisexual’s (wet) dream.

Links & Hijinks: Soaking, Rimming, & Writing

Kate Sloan

• Here’s why people have more sex in summer.

• Interesting: sex researchers have less sex than everyone else.

• Paying for porn is the feminist way to get off. Hear hear!

• “There are two things I love eating: steak, and ass.” This piece on rimjobs is a delight.

• This as-told-to on the Mormon sex act of “soaking” (“No thrusting, no grinding, no climax. Just pop it in, and hold the fuck still”) is hilarious and fascinating. “There was always squirming on both of our parts but never any real thrusts. I guess squirming is technically moving, but it’s not like her preacher was reffing the event.”

• Useful tips for freelancers who work at home. (I am feeling this struggle harrrd lately!)

• On that note: freelancing can take a toll on your mental health.

• I’m a little tired of reading about sex robots, because I just don’t think they’re going to be the futuristic epidemic everyone claims they will be. But here’s an interesting piece about RealDolls.

• You know, I rarely link to erotica in these round-ups, but this brief tale about orgasm denial made me all tingly, so there you go.

• Maria Yagoda wonders: is period sex okay for a first-time hook-up? “As punishment for not menstruating, people who don’t should occasionally have to deal with some of the inconveniences of blood, blood everywhere. For this reason, period sex can seem like a feminist act, as it defies the societal expectation of women to hide, or be ashamed of, this awful fucking thing.”

• Sugarcunt has some great advice on writing sex toy reviews.

• Here’s a beginner’s guide to keeping a journal.

• “Unusual” sexual desires are more common than we previously thought. Hmm!

• Emmeline reviewed an inflatable swan phallus we tried at Woodhull and it’s the funniest sex toy review I’ve read in ages.

• Dating while depressed is difficult but doable.

• Mired in writer’s block? Alex Franzen has some topic suggestions for you.

• Brandon Taylor is such a beautiful writer. “There is a way in which people talk about domestic writing or personal writing that does not set itself on fire—they call it quiet. They call it still. They call it muted. As if there were anything quiet about relationships that go awry.”

• Date ideas for stoners. The OkCupid blog has gotten weird and I’m into it.

• “Porny sex” is still valid sex. You’re not a “bad feminist” if you enjoy things like pussy-slapping, “degrading” D/s, and messy blowjobs.

• Gosh, I adore the way Girl on the Net writes about sex. Her Ambit dildo review is wonderful: “I don’t want him to fuck me with this in a playful way or a quick way. I want to catch him when he’s in this focused mode: when he’ll not just use it to warm me up for a fuck, but really settle into the act of fucking me with it. Laying it out on the bed like he’s a surgeon aligning his equipment, then ordering me to strip off my knickers and lie still.”

• We need to stop supporting and protecting abusive men.

• Taryn busted some myths about asexuality.

• We don’t talk about dental dams enough, and it’s emblematic of a bigger problem.

• [Content warning for ableism.] Some people have a fetish for becoming disabled and go to great lengths to fulfill that fantasy. Apparently it may even have a legitimate neurological cause. Uh, wow…