dildo

What’s Your Dream Dildo?

Kate Sloan

A question I’m often asked, when people find out I’m a sex toy reviewer, is: “If you could design your dream sex toy, what would it be like?”

I understand the thinking behind the question, but – as my foodie boyfriend pointed out to me when we discussed this – it’s a bit like asking a food critic to write up a Michelin-starred menu. People who create a particular thing have a different skillset from people who critique that thing, in most cases. I know what qualities I appreciate in toys, but if I tried to actually design a toy based on that knowledge, it would probably lack cohesion and ergonomics, and it might not even be physically possible to make. Because I’m not a toymaker. I’m the Rob Gordon of sex toys: a bitter-yet-avid connoisseur of the field, who can say “good!” or “bad!” but who can’t actually make the things I write so much about.

Except… maybe modern technologies can start to solve this problem. This online “dildo sculptor” lets you design your dream dildo shape, which you can then have 3D-printed, make into a mold, and make silicone dildos from. While I can’t guarantee I’d ever make a masturbatory masterpiece the likes of which Vixen Creations and Uberrime are cranking out, it’s nice to at least have the option.

These “what’s your ideal sex toy?” conversations start getting a little more charged when you realize the question comes from a place of insecurity. This isn’t always the case, but occasionally it’s seemed that way. Answering this question in a relationship with a dick-wielding person might seem innocuous, but sometimes it plants seeds of self-doubt in the asker’s mind, vis-à-vis their wang. I’ve had cis male partners get visibly uncomfortable when I expressed a preference for bigger dildos, assuming that meant their own cock wasn’t up to snuff. But that’s not what it means, because dildos and people are totally different things!

I don’t subscribe to the “sex toys are a consolation prize for human partners” school of thought (although I have used them as such, sometimes, when my craving for dick was outpaced only by my social anxiety about seeking out a hookup to satisfy that craving). I actually think some of the best dildos (or “dildoes,” as some people insist on spelling it) are ones that do something a flesh-and-blood dick simply cannot. No penis, no matter how great, can attack my G-spot with the cool fury of the Njoy Pure Wand, or stretch me woefully wide like the Vixen Randy. And here’s the kicker: THAT’S FINE. Penises don’t need to be like toys. My mouth certainly doesn’t feel like a Fleshlight. It’s not supposed to!

I’m encouraged by these print-your-own-sex-toy technologies, because they put more power into the hands of consumers (however inept at design those hands might be). Maybe this will eventually result in more people owning sex toys, normalizing them, and recognizing that they don’t threaten sexual connections with other people. In many cases, they can even strengthen those connections: it can be deliciously vulnerable, for example, to let someone plough you with a big piece of silicone!

To answer the question I posed myself in the title of this piece: my dream dildo would be long, girthy, firm, vaguely S-shaped, easy to hold and thrust with, and visually beautiful to boot. But that doesn’t say a damn thing about my cock preferences. Hell, I’ve never fucked anyone whose dick was S-shaped, and I’ve still gotten off with partners many a time!

I think we need to stop extrapolating about folks’ sexual preferences just from what’s in their nightstand, because – much like sexual behavior and sexual orientation are two separate-but-probably-overlapping dimensions – the objects someone likes to use in/on/around their genitals are not necessarily reflective of what they want your genitals to look/feel like. And trust me, you offer more than your genitals. No dildo has ever muttered dirty phrases in its user’s ear, spanked or bitten its user with roguish ferocity, or held its user in the post-orgasm glow. No dildo makes jokes as funny as yours, writes sexts as salacious as yours, or makes as warm and comforting a cuddle buddy as you do. You’ve got nothing to worry about, pal.

Dildos are friends, not foes!

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

The Best Non-Sexy Uses For Sex Pillows, Vibrators, and More

Kate Sloan

I always feel like a MacGyver-level genius when I repurpose a sex product into something more innocent. It’s like the opposite of a pervertible: what if instead of using your wooden spoon as a spanking implement, you start using a spanking implement as a spoon? (I am kidding. Don’t do this. Although, frankly, it would be a Move.)

Since I’ve been an adult-industry professional for nearly seven years now, my home is full of weird sex stuff. I figure I may as well use it in as many ways as possible!

Sex Pillows

As this website demonstrates, there are zillions of sexual positioning aids on the market. I have several, and I must admit, they don’t get used nearly as often during sex as they do in my non-sexy day-to-day.

Most commonly, I’ll use Liberator shapes as impromptu laptop stands, for when I want to watch Netflix (or, yes, porn) while lying in bed. True, I could set my computer on my IKEA lap desk, which is actually designed for such things and probably causes less overheating than a Liberator product, but it just doesn’t have the right shape to angle my screen the way I prefer when I’m loungin’ in my bed.

Sex pillows also make great regular-ass pillows for bed-centric activities that call for angled back support, like reading, writing, or eating. (If you’ve never eaten in bed, CONGRATS, you’re more virtuous than me and I am a gross monster who sleeps on crumbs!) I rely on my Liberator shapes a lot for this function when I’m sick or depressed and my daily tasks have to get done from bed if they’re gonna get done at all. Pro tip: stack a couple of regular pillows on top of the sex pillow for cushioning, since those things tend to be pretty firm.

Finally, I’ve been using sex pillows for joint support more and more over the past couple years, as my chronic joint pain has gotten steadily worse. On really bad pain days, sometimes a Liberator Wedge under my knees or a Jaz under one ankle is just the thing to ease those twinges enough that I can sleep.

Vibrators

Just about everyone knows you can use vibrators to massage your muscles (or someone else’s). It’s what the famous Magic Wand was originally created for, after all. Whether you’re applying a vibe in deliberate, anatomy-savvy ways to relieve tension, or taking the languid route and just lying on top of your buzzing wand after a long, achy day (BEEN THERE), vibration can be a lovely tool in your self-care toolbox, both inside and outside the sexual arena.

I’ve also been known to use vibes as an anti-congestant: running a strong, rumbly vibrator over your sinuses can sometimes shake loose all that soul-crushing snot.

Along similar lines: some voice coaches recommend incorporating vibrators into your vocal warm-up! It’s thought that vibration helps relax your throat muscles, leading to a fuller, clearer sound and a lower likelihood of fatiguing your cords. Start slow and be gentle, of course – your throat is delicate!

Dildos

Does it sound like a joke if I say I use dildos as paperweights? God, I’m like a caricature of myself, aren’t I… It’s just that sometimes I like to work with the windows open, and then it gets windy, and then all my sex toy spec sheets and hastily-scribbled mid-masturbation notes fly everywhere, which isn’t exactly a productivity-booster. Better to set a dildo on top and avoid that whole mess, n’est-ce pas?

A good heavy dildo made of a firm material – like anything by Njoy, and some of my heftier Fucking Sculptures stuff – can be an excellent massage tool. Sometimes a smooth piece of steel can knead out a knot of tension better than human hands alone. (Obviously, please know your shit if you are going to be messing around with anyone’s spine, including your own.)

Once in a while, I also have occasion to use a dildo in lieu of a rolling pin, pestle, or bludgeon – like when I need to grind some weed and don’t have a grinder on hand, or when I need to “whack” a chocolate orange before opening it and don’t just want to smash it against a wall like some kind of ogre (it’s much more ladylike to bang one’s chocolate with a dildo, don’tcha know!).

If your dildo has a decent suction cup base, you can also affix it to the wall and use it to hang your coat, display your necklaces, and so on. It’s a bold decor choice, to say the least, but I think you can pull it off. (I don’t mean pull it off the wall. That shit’s tricky.)

Lube

Couldn’t possibly write about this subject without addressing LUBE!

The silicone-based kind can be used to grease squeaky doors/wheels/etc., smooth down flyaways, and fix stubborn zippers. I have also found that dabbing a little on the inside of each thigh can help a lot with the dreaded “chub rub,” come summertime.

Body-safe oil-based lubes like The Butters often work well as lip balm, makeup remover, massage oil, and shaving cream. (You could use silicone lube instead for those last two functions, but it’s much more expensive than natural oil-based lubes tend to be, so I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re Scrooge McDuck-level rich.)

Naturally, many types of lube work well for not-explicitly-sexual insertions. (KY Jelly and Surgilube are two popular medical lubricants, which can also be used in sexy contexts.) If you’re having a tough time with your menstrual cup, tampon, enema, vaginal dilator, or whatever, try lubing it up.

Finally, here’s a weird one my friend Bex told me about: if you turn on your phone’s flashlight, set it down on your nightstand so the light is shining upward, and then put a clear bottle of lube on top, it turns into a sort of makeshift lamp. I can picture the ad campaign now: Mood lighting by Sliquid…

 

What are your favorite non-sexual uses of sex products?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Blush Novelties Avant Pride P1

Kate Sloan

There have been many debates on my social media timelines recently about objects’ aesthetics versus their usefulness. Some people say, for example, that there’s no reason to keep books once you’ve read them, because you’ve already absorbed the information therein, while others insist books are personal objects worth keeping and curating into visually pleasing collections. Some people tuck their lingerie, neatly folded, into drawers, while others proudly drape their silks and satins everywhere. Some people have a practical lamp hanging from their bedroom ceiling, while others – like me – have a fucking disco ball.

When it comes to sex toys, however, for the most part I am more interested in function than appearance. My favorite vibrators are the Magic Wand and Eroscillator, both widely considered some of the ugliest in the biz. My favorite dildos are made of glass, not because they’re gorgeous (though they are) but because they press firmly against my internal spots. I chose the simple black Liberator Throe, because I want it to keep squirt and blood off my sheets, not jazz up my decor. Y’know?

But when Tabu Toys offered me a product of my choice from their “lesbian sex toys” section (which, by the way, other types of people can use these toys, and lesbians can use other types of toys, and not all lesbians are cis women!), my eyes fixed immediately on the Blush Avant Pride P1 dildo. I had no idea if it would work for me, or for my partners. I just knew it looked gay as heck and I wanted it.

Pegging is still a relatively new thing for me, and wearing a cock still feels a little odd. It helps to use dicks that are glitzy and bright, dicks that make me feel aggressively girly, dicks that pointedly are not flesh-and-blood dicks. So I figured I would like strapping on the P1 and pushing it into my partner.

Before I go any further, I gotta say: this dildo is smaller than I was expecting. At only 6 inches total in length, it’s not ideal if you or your receiving partner are fans of deep penetration. Once you factor in the base and the harness, there’s really only about 5 inches of insertable length. That’s fine for hitting most G-spots and prostates, but it doesn’t give you a whole lotta leeway.

It has a big bump near the base that tops out at 1.4″ wide, but I feel it’s a bit oddly positioned: it doesn’t even go in unless I push almost uncomfortably deep, whether I’m pegging a partner or just fucking myself with this toy. The head is smaller, and it does press against good spots, but there’s no “wow” factor. It’s like someone is warming up my G-spot with one gentle finger, rather than pounding against it with two or three strong ones. My partner agreed: he said it didn’t leave him panting from prostate stimulation the way something made of steel or firmer silicone can, but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

The neck of the toy, too, leaves something to be desired. It’s nicely shaped – I like the way it gently tapers from the head, making my vag want to pull the toy deeper – but it’s just too floppy to make this dildo a decent G-spotter or prostate toy. Those spots tend to need firm touch, and the P1 bends under pressure.

All of that said – the aesthetics of this toy still appeal to me. I feel cute wearing it; I like seeing it on my nightstand; I dream of wearing it strapped into my red leather thigh harness to some kind of X-rated Pride event someday. It looks adorable sliding in and out of someone’s mouth, like a vibrant little lollipop. My partner likes how the colored stripes give you a way to measure how much of the toy you take on each try, so you can challenge yourself to take more: “I got up to blue this time!”

I admire that Blush offers high-quality silicone dildos at reasonable prices – this one is $45 – and that much of their marketing is relatively gender-neutral. This is a dildo I might recommend for someone who was new to prostate stimulation and/or pegging and wanted something comfortable and unintimidating; it’s just not going to be a go-to for people like me and my partner, who’ve already stuck a bunch of stuff in our holes and have grander visions for them now.

There should be more rainbow dicks in the world, is what I’m saying.

 

Thanks to Tabu Toys for sending me the Blush Novelties Avant Pride P1 to try! This review was sponsored, and as always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Mini Reviews: We-Vibe Pivot, Icicles #69, & Weal & Breech Nipple Clamps

Kate Sloan

Oops, I let my toy review pile overflow again. Here’s a few mini ones squished together!

We-Vibe Pivot (available at SheVibe)

I am always looking for a vibrating cock ring that will actually get me off, which I realize is sort of a pipe dream. There are people more sensitive than I, so I’m led to believe, who are havin’ orgasms left and right with these things – but I’ve never gotten off that way. Not ever. Not even once, in my entire sexual career.

But the beautiful and rechargeable We-Vibe Pivot comes the closest of any I’ve tried, which sounds like faint praise but is actually pretty significant. We-Vibe is known for (among other things) their rumbly motors, and since the problem with most vibrating cock rings is their laughably buzzy vibrations, this one is a step in the right direction.

I also like that the motor is housed in a broad, slightly jutting, squarish shape at the top of the ring, allowing it to make contact with my clit more consistently during PIV sex. Like most toys of this sort, this one basically requires small, deep thrusts if you want to keep the vibrating part on the receptive partner’s clit, but fortunately for me, that’s how I like to be fucked anyway. My inability (so far) to reach orgasm with this toy is not the fault of the toy, but more related to my own anxieties about “taking too long” to come during PIV sex, and the relative rarity of PIV in my sex life compared to other acts which get me off much more reliably.

I’ve tried this ring with two different penis-wielding partners and both reported it was comfortable if perhaps a little tight (keeping in mind that restrictiveness is part of the point of cock rings). If you’re of above-average girth, you might need the assistance of lube to get this ring onto your junk. The silicone has some stretch but is firmer than I’d generally expect from a cock ring, so keep that in mind.

If you’ve always liked the idea of vibrating cock rings but hated them in practice, the We-Vibe Pivot is the one I’d recommend. It’s quite a bit pricier than your typical watch-battery, jelly-rubber cock ring, but it’ll also last you longer and quite possibly actually feel good instead of numbing your genitals.

Icicles No. 69 (available at Betty’s Toy Box)

I requested this because it looked like a potentially great A-spot toy – and at a decent price point, no less!

However, it sort of misses the mark on that front. The bigger end can sort of slide up into my A-spot if I angle it just right, but then the small amount of toy left for me to use as a “handle” is awkwardly short and curves away from me, so I can’t easily thrust hard and fast the way I prefer.

The smaller end, meanwhile, is too sharply curved to be a good A-spotter – though it does hit my G-spot with aplomb. I’m not into narrow, pinpointed G-spot stimulation – I prefer mine bigger and broader – but if you like the sensation of one or two fingers stroking your G-spot, you might like the roughly equivalent-sized small end of this dildo too.

The other reason this dildo won’t become a bedside staple of mine? All that texture on the shaft. I don’t mind the sensation of it, but it doesn’t really add to my experience, and it’s also a nightmare to clean.

If you want an A-spotty dildo for under $50, I think the Icicles No. 5, Ruse D Thang (used upside-down), and Blue Wave look like good contenders. I wanted to like the Icicles No. 69 but it’s just not quite what I wanted it to be.

Weal & Breech nipple clamps (available at Come As You Are)

I had my eye on these for a long time, and then when W&B came out with some in purpleheart wood, I knew I had to snap them up. They’re quite unlike any other nipple clamps I’ve ever seen: they’re made of two slats of wood which screw together with brass fittings. They open up pretty wide, so you can fit nipples big and small into them, as well as potentially a clit or even the head of a cock. (Be careful!)

The inner surfaces of the wood are cross-hatched, which helps them stay in place once they’re on. I’ve had slippage issues with lots of other clamps, but not with these.

It takes a while to get them on and off, because you have to unscrew the fittings, position your nipple between the wood slats, and then screw the fittings closed again. I love this element of anticipation when doing sadomasochistic scenes, but if you like your nipple pain quick ‘n’ dirty, you’d probably prefer regular ol’ alligator-style nipple clamps.

When using these, I have to be careful not to pinch my skin between the brass and the wood, because that hurts, and not in the fun way. That’s usually as easy as gently prying my flesh away from the brass screw while I’m putting the clamps on.

One thing I miss from other clamps, that these lack, is a string or chain connecting the two. It can be fun to tug on the connector between two clamps during a scene, for a random jolt of pain. However, if you wanted, you could attach your own string or chain to these; they just don’t come with one.

I notice that I have to re-tighten these clamps every few minutes to maintain the high levels of pain I want from them, and I’m not sure if that’s because the clamps are slowly loosening or my pain tolerance is just increasing over time. Either way, it’s not a huge deal. I tell partners about this issue before letting them use these clamps on me for the first time, and they usually remember to readjust every few minutes – especially if they’re sadistic and like seeing my grimace of pain when they do this!

Overall, I love these clamps. They’re unusual, beautiful, and extremely painful. All the best qualities for nipple clamps to have!

Thanks to SheVibe and Betty’s Toy Box for sending me the first two toys. I bought the clamps myself.

Review: Standard Glass S-Curve

Kate Sloan

Never buy someone a sex toy they haven’t specifically requested. You can’t know what someone’s tastes in toys are. You can’t know what will work for someone else’s body. It’s always better to buy them a gift card, or take them shopping, and let them pick out a toy for themselves.

Unless you’re my best friend Bex, in which case you can disregard everything I just said, apparently.

During my last visit to New York, Bex presented me with a handmade S-Curve dildo by Standard Glass. “It’s your favorite shade of turquoise,” they said, “and it’ll hit your A-spot!” I was stunned. It was a gorgeous, thoughtful gift – the kind of toy I would have picked out for myself. How did I get so lucky to have a friend as good as Bex?

We were hanging out with my FWB, with whom I had a sex-date planned for the following day. “You should fuck me with this,” I chirped at him. But he’s a Responsible Adult so he just nervously eyed the hard tile floor we were standing on and said, “Please don’t drop that.” I slipped the toy back into its gift bag to appease him: “Okay, dad.”

The next night, at the hotel we’d booked, I broke out the S-Curve. “So how does this work?” my fuckpal asked, and I shrugged and said, “I don’t know! Let’s find out!” He lubed the long, smooth end of it and slid it into me, curve facing up to access my A-spot. Moans spouted from my mouth immediately. Oh, yes.

As its name suggests, the S-Curve has a gentle sloping “S” shape. Many of my favorite toys do, in fact; I definitely have a “type” when it comes to dildos. The formidable metal Njoy Eleven, the heroically G-spotty NobEssence Seduction, and my beloved Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble all have this basic shape in common. What can I say? I know what I like.

The S-Curve’s similarities to the Double Trouble are all the qualities I love about it. It’s long enough, and has a subtle enough curve, that it can get all up in my A-spot without bothering my cervix. (It can also hit my G-spot if I thrust it more shallowly, though I usually don’t.) Like another S-shaped glass toy I love, the Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon, the S-Curve’s meager 1.25″ diameter is roughly equivalent to the size of two fingers – i.e. the exact number of fingers I request and enjoy most when partners are fingerbanging me – so it hits my spot brilliantly and I can fantasize about partners fingering me to my heart’s content when I use it.

My FWB calls the S-Curve “the Double Trouble on easy mode,” and for my intents and purposes, it is. It goes for my A-spot with the same precision and deftness, but because it’s slimmer, lighter, and has that bloopy end, it’s much easier to hold onto and thrust with. If I’m craving a side order of girth with my A-spot stim, I’ll still reach for the Dub Trubz – but if all I want is targeted stimulation of one particular internal spot, it gets the job done perfectly.

All S-Curves, while handmade, are basically the same dimensions – 8″ long and 1.25″ wide. It is a glass masterpiece, a beauteous work of art. I don’t need my sex toys to be beautiful, because I don’t spend a lot of time actually looking at them while I’m using them, but it’s nonetheless nice to have something so elegant-looking on my nightstand.

Bex is still the only person on earth I would trust to choose a sex toy for me. They knocked this one out of the fuckin’ park.

 

You can buy the S-Curve at the Smitten Kitten for $120 USD!