D/s

3 Tips for Newbie Femdoms

Kate Sloan

I’m certainly no expert at domination, being a mostly-submissive switch – but I’ve done more domming in the last few years than I’d done in my entire life before that, and so I’ve gotten a lot better at it.

I think being a “femdom” – loosely defined here as a dominant who is female (cis or trans) and/or femme – involves some complexity that isn’t always there for male and masc doms. For one thing, male dominance paired with female submission is the most common heterosexual view of what a D/s dynamic should be (this effect was highlighted in a recent Natalie Wynn video, where she referred to it as “default heterosexual sadomasochism”). As a result, feminine dominants can be seen as disrupting the sexual status quo – because they are! – and may struggle with shame or other difficult feelings around that, whether those judgments are internalized and self-inflicted, or based moreso on feedback you’re getting from the outside world.

Femdom dating sites can help with this to some extent, but it’s hard to unlearn deeply ingrained societal narratives. For this reason and many others, exploring your dommy side as a woman or feminine-leaning person can be intimidating – but here are some tricks I’ve learned that help.

 

1. Create your own persona

Another hurdle facing femdoms is that there’s still not as much variety as one would hope in media depictions of feminine dominance. For a long time, I thought I couldn’t possibly be a femdom, because every professional dominatrix I knew was hyper-confident (at least externally), wielded a whip or paddle with panache, and looked dynamite in black leather. I didn’t feel like I fit the mold, and I only started feeling comfortable in my dominance once I cobbled together my own femdom persona from other sources.

When you picture yourself feeling powerful, hot, and in control, what are you wearing? How are you speaking to people? How do you walk and gesture and move? These are good starting points for building a persona, which will hopefully feel like accessing a new facet of yourself, rather than like playing a character (although it may take you some practice and time to get there).

 

2. Tap into what you really, really want

Despite having had sexual desires and fantasies for as long as I can remember, it can be hard for me to actually pursue those desires. As a submissive with people-pleaser tendencies, I’ll often default to asking what the other person wants, or I’ll just give them what I think they want. While this isn’t the most empowering or satisfying way to submit to someone (IMO), it can definitely be done, even for the course of an entire relationship, and an unattuned dom might not even notice you’re doing it.

On the flipside, when you’re in a dominant role, your desires are central (or at least, they’ll usually appear to be, within the narrative of the scene). It sucks to fall into the trap of asking each other over and over, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” so it’s important to figure out what actually turns you on and makes you happy, and then get comfortable asking for that.

I’ll often ask my partner, before a scene, if I can take a minute to just think and feel. I’ll close my eyes and pay attention to the places in my body that are craving touch, or the fantasies that come up in my mind’s eye. Or I’ll think through some possibilities and see which one creates a visceral response in my body. (This is also incidentally how I decide what I want for dinner, lol!) The more that I practice this, the easier it gets.

I’d also recommend keeping a record of the fantasies that arise for you during masturbation, or any porn clips or erotica stories you stumble across that get you especially turned on. I always appreciate having this type of list to pull from, when I want to do a scene with my partner but am feeling uninspired.

 

3. Delegate

This one depends on your sub and what they’re into, but I’ve found it soooo helpful to delegate certain tasks to my partner which enable me to be a better domme, especially since I have energy limitations due to my fibromyalgia. These tasks include stuff like:

  • Putting together a curated list of porn clips for us to watch together before sex/a scene, so I don’t have to run the whole arousal-building process myself for both of us
  • Keeping an ongoing list, in a shared digital note, of their fantasies and wishes, etc. that I can pull from as needed
  • Handling certain household tasks for me (or making/sending me dinner), so I have more time/energy to plan scenes and build my own desire level
  • Self-monitoring their adherence to our protocols, using an app like Streaks, so that I can confirm that they’ve done the tasks I assigned them, without needing to proactively enforce all the rules myself

 

I think it’s really important, overall, to understand that dominance looks different for everyone, and so does submission. Each D/s dynamic is unique and should be customized to the individuals within it. You don’t have to hold yourself to unreasonable standards, and your partner(s) shouldn’t, either. Find your way of being dominant, little by little, through trial and error, and you’ll build up those muscles (figuratively and perhaps literally!).

Fellow femdoms of all stripes, what other tips do you wish you’d gotten when you started?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Discover Your New Favorite Sexy Roleplay

Kate Sloan
Photo from my Wednesday Addams photoshoot with Cadence Lee back in 2017

Ah, roleplay. For something that is literally just grown-up playtime, it sure can cause a lot of stress and confusion. Many people wonder (sometimes in my inbox) how to get started with roleplay, what their favorite roleplays mean about them, and what scenarios they should explore through roleplay.

That last question is what I’m focusing on today. Once you know you want to try “sexy improv” (as I affectionately refer to roleplay), how do you know who you want to roleplay as?! Here are some suggestions to help you brainstorm…

 

1. Examine the media that turns you on.

Do you reliably feel a little randy when you watch Gerri and Roman verbally spar in the humiliation scenes of Succession? Does your erotic imagination continually wander back to the hypnokink antics in The Jungle Book? Do you fantasize about being wanted as fervently as Joe wants his stalking victims in You? (Am I just listing my own kinks here? Who can say…)

Media is often one of the first places we encounter dynamics we’d later like to embody and act out ourselves. It’s worth paying attention to which characters, relationships, situations, and power dynamics get your motor running, so you can translate their hottest elements into a sexy scene with a partner someday.

 

2. Ponder the words you love to call people, or to be called.

If you’ve noticed your knees get weak when you call a partner “boss,” or when an authority figure calls you “young lady,” for example, that’s useful information.

If you like, try making a list of all the titles and honorifics you can think of – sir, madam, doctor, your honor, your majesty, captain, and so on. Go through the list and take a moment to imagine what it would be like to call an attractive person each title on the list, or how it would feel if an attractive person were to call you these names. Circle the ones that make your heart beat faster and file that info away for future roleplays!

 

3. Take a quiz.

The Cheztoon ‘How Kinky Are You?’ quiz, for example, can help you narrow down the kinky archetypes you’re most drawn to. Take it with a partner, share your results with one another, and discuss!

I could also see it being useful to take a silly online quiz that tells you which character from your favorite media property you’re most similar to. For instance, I just took a “What Mean Girls character are you?” quiz on Buzzfeed and it told me that I’m Janis Ian. Extremely into the idea of a Janis-and-Regina-inspired roleplay!

 

4. Ask yourself how you want to feel.

Different people are drawn to kinky roleplay for different reasons, and it’s useful to figure out your own motivations when devising new roleplay scenarios. Do you want to feel submissive? Dominant? Innocent? Powerful? Slutty? Evil? Ravaged? Indulged? Punished? Adored?

Write down all the emotions you like to feel, whether in kink or just in life, and use that list to extrapolate some roleplay situations you might enjoy.

 

5. Consider costuming.

While costumes are absolutely not a requirement for roleplay, they can make scenes feel more authentic and grounded in reality. But also, you can consider which clothing items make you feel sexiest, and devise a roleplay based on those choices.

For example, I’ve always felt super cute in short pleated skirts and kneesocks, so a schoolgirl/teacher roleplay is a natural fit for me. I’ve had partners who felt most “themselves” in an elegant suit, suggesting they might enjoy playing a powerful entrepreneur in a boss/secretary roleplay or somesuch. If a black latex catsuit sounds like the hottest possible thing you could wear, maybe you’re jonesing for a Catwoman/Batman roleplay. You get the idea!

 

What methods have you used to brainstorm future roleplay scenes?

 

This post was sponsored by Cheztoon Take the Kink Quiz. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

You Are Not a Bad Submissive

Kate Sloan

Being a loudly and proudly submissive woman on the internet, I get a lot of questions in my various inboxes from other submissives, seeking affirmation and advice. Sadly, the subtext (ha!) of all too many messages in this vein is: “Am I a bad submissive because I don’t [do xyz thing that someone told me submissives do]?”

You can fill in that “xyz” with just about any kinky activity. Service. Masochism. Being tied up. Being “forced” to orgasm. Giving oral sex. Being a brat. Being obedient. Being “hot enough” or “pretty enough” or “kinky enough” or just… enough. There are so many areas where submissives doubt themselves and their ability to do certain things they feel are expected of submissives, whether due to physical limitations or psychological baggage or just… not liking certain acts.

Thinking you’re a “bad submissive” because you can’t do, or don’t like doing, certain things is like thinking you’re “bad at sex” for the same reasons. Sure, there are some overarching attributes and behaviors that are likely to make you a good submissive, or good at sex, no matter who you’re fucking: on-point communication skills, well-attuned self-knowledge, generosity of spirit. But it would be erroneous to assume that you’re universally bad at being submissive, or at having sex, just because your tastes and style don’t align perfectly with those of everyone you encounter in your sex life. Sure, yeah, maybe you had a dom once who craved good obedient service and your idea of sexy-fun submission is more like brash brattiness. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad submissive. It just means you’re not compatible with that dom in that way.

I dated a dude once who was way kinkier than me by every measure I can think of: he had more kinks than I do, felt more strongly about them, and could find ways to eroticize things that sometimes seemed pretty random and odd to me (in the best way). When we first started dating, I was nervous that I wouldn’t be able to live up to his expectations – that he would look at me, tied up and squirming on his massage table, and wish he was throat-fucking me instead, or caning my calves, or encasing me in saran wrap from head to toe.

However, in our numerous detailed kink negotiations, I learned that he didn’t think that way at all. He wasn’t sizing me up, putting together a wishlist of things he wanted to do to me, regardless of my opinions on the matter – he wanted us to figure out together what would be fulfilling for us to do. This is the basis of how every good dom approaches their dynamics, in my opinion. Sure, sometimes it can be fun to invite a partner to try an activity they’ve never tried before, to see if they’ll be into it – but if the answer is no, any dom worth their salt will accept that completely and unequivocally. If it’s a dealbreaker for them – like if they have one primary fetish and their sexual relationships just aren’t complete without it – they have the right to communicate that, so the two of you can make decisions accordingly. But they should never make you feel pressured to participate, and moreover, you are not a bad submissive if you can’t or won’t get onboard with what they’re proposing. It just means you may not be compatible and should likely go your separate ways.

If anyone ever tells you you’re a bad submissive, a) they’re an asshole and b) they probably just mean you’re not a well-suited submissive for them. This is every bit as weird and shitty as telling someone they have bad taste in food just because you don’t like their favorite dish. Like, first of all, who asked you? And secondly, why are you under the impression that your highly subjective opinion is objectively correct?!

To continue the food metaphor, the list of activities dominants and submissives can explore together is a colossal buffet, and you don’t have to like every dish on the menu. In fact, it’s pretty unlikely that you will. Just skip over the ones you don’t like!

Beware of any dom who, when you mention that you don’t like [x], gets huffy or argumentative. Yes, sometimes it can be disappointing to hear that the hot new person you’re into doesn’t like doing your favorite thing, and yes, sometimes a dom might be a little sad upon hearing that news. But any attempt to sway your answer is edging into manipulation territory, and that’s just not cool. I think saying “You’re a bad submissive” is often a last-ditch attempt to shame someone into doing certain things, and it should be seen as such: an abusive falsehood, not a damning proclamation.

When you think about dominants you’ve known, I bet you don’t mentally sort them into “good doms” and “bad doms” based solely on what they did and didn’t like. Maybe that guy who adored chain bondage or that goddess who loved cake-sitting didn’t turn your crank, but that doesn’t mean they were bad doms. The same is true for you: your boundaries are valid, you don’t owe anyone explanations about your preferred palette of kink activities, and your incompatibility with certain people is not a statement about your overall value.

I spent years feeling like a shitty submissive because I didn’t make pretty-enough faces while getting whipped, or couldn’t hold certain positions for long periods of time, or sometimes spaced and forgot to do the kinds of pre-emptive service my doms may have preferred. But in my current dynamic, my partner makes me feel every day like I’m the best submissive in the world – or, more importantly, the best submissive for them. We play to each other’s strengths, and don’t push each other’s boundaries (except in the fun, consensual way!). Just as they make me feel like a stellar submissive, I work hard to let them know that they’re an incredible dominant – not just in general, but for me. That’s what matters in a D/s dynamic, and anyone who tells you otherwise probably isn’t fun to play with anyway.

Submissive babes, I love you, I see you, and I want you to be happy. And an important part of that journey is recognizing that you’re a good submissive, for somebody, even if that somebody isn’t currently in your life. The more you accept and broadcast the unique fingerprint of your yeses and no’s, the closer you’ll get to meeting someone whose list matches yours. And then you’ll get to feel like the very, very good submissive that you are. 💖

But also? You’re a good submissive even if you don’t have a partner. You’re a good submissive even if you never have a partner. You’re a good submissive because, just by virtue of identifying as a submissive, you’ve taken the time to figure out who you are and what you want, to some extent. Your self-knowledge is beautiful, and inspirational, and revelatory, and – guess what? – good.

5 Kinky Ways to Use a Fleshlight

Kate Sloan

If I had my way, I would buy a Fleshlight for every dick-possessing person I ever date. I can’t definitively say that they’re the best strokers on the market, seeing as I don’t have a penis and wouldn’t be able to exhaustively test the whole field even if I did, but they’re definitely the best-known brand making this type of product. They’ve done a lot, in and of themselves, to both destigmatize the idea of men masturbating and make masturbation more pleasurable for folks with penises, and that’s worth celebrating.

However, you know me – I’m a pervert. So here is a list of ways you can use your Fleshlight to do some very kinky shit.

 

Forced orgasm play

The term “forced orgasm” is often used about people with vulvas, but dicks can certainly be “forced” to come, too, whether you prefer to call this process “cock-milking” or some other colorful phrase of your choosing. There are certain attachments and tools that enable a Fleshlight to stroke up and down all on its own (see this Fleshlight Launch review for one example) but you can also just do it manually, ideally to a partner who is tied down or otherwise immobilized and cannot fight the onslaught of pleasure you’re giving them. 😈

 

Cum-eating

Avert your eyes if you’ve got a sensitive stomach… Eating cum – whether it’s your own or that of a partner – is a biiiig fetish for many people. Sometimes it’s linked to humiliation, since consuming bodily fluids can be “degrading” if you choose to view it as such, but sometimes it’s just framed as an act of worship: slurping down someone’s semen sure demonstrates how much you revere that person and what comes out of them! You may be able to scoop or pour the cum out of your Fleshlight if it’s fresh, or you could mix it with a little water to make it easier to, um, imbibe.

 

Oral sex practice

Do you have a fantasy about being so submissive that you’re not allowed to come before you’ve satisfied your partner? You don’t actually have to have a partner present to act out some form of this scenario. Some Fleshlights are made to look hyper-realistic on the outside (check out this review of the available Fleshlight Girls sleeves to see what I mean), so you can lick and suck your imagined partner’s bits to your heart’s content before you allow yourself to use the toy in the more conventional way.

 

Exhibitionism & voyeurism

Fleshlight makes a line of translucent-bordering-on-transparent products which I, for one, find highly tantalizing to watch in action. You get to see the cock therein as it gets harder and perhaps comes inside the toy – yum. Whether you’re watching your partner jerk off or just enjoying the sight of your own anatomy and arousal, this might just be the best show in town!

 

Rewards & punishments

If you’re into chastity play, maybe your partner could keep your Fleshlight under lock and key so you only get to use it when you’ve earned an orgasm by enduring a certain amount of abstinence. Or maybe, on the flipside, it could be an erotically humiliating punishment to “have to” use a Fleshlight to get off if your dominant partner won’t deign to offer up their own orifices. Either offer could be plenty motivating!

Even the purchasing of a stroker itself can be a reward in the context of a kink scene (or, if you wanna be extra creative, a punishment). For instance, my partner and I once had a long-running “scene” of sorts, in which they could eventually earn the right to buy themselves a very pricey sex toy by completing a bunch of tasks in several different categories. These encompassed everything from self-care (e.g. get a manicure, learn a new makeup technique from a YouTube tutorial) to financial or moral tasks (e.g. donate money to a particular political organization, make calls on behalf of a progressive political campaign to help sway an important vote) to service-oriented tasks (e.g. update my website, send me dinner) to more directly sexual tasks (e.g. make me come 5 times). You can look through a website that sells Fleshlights together, such as JOUJOU Adult Toys, and gently tease them about how you’re planning on using the toy when it finally arrives… which will make it all the more sweet and exciting when the stroker finally shows up on your doorstep, ready to be co-opted for all your various nefarious plans and schemes. [insert evil dom laugh here]

 

Do you ever use strokers in kinky ways? How so?

 

This post was sponsored by MySexToyGuide.com – check out their guide on how to find the best Fleshlight! – and also contains an additional sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

10 Ways to Make a Blowjob Kinky

Kate Sloan

Blowjobs are gleefully discussed and pontificated upon in all sorts of vanilla sex media, from Cosmopolitan to the Sunday Night Sex Show. However, that doesn’t mean they’re a strictly vanilla activity. Like most sex acts, BJs are as kinky as you choose to make them.

That said, sometimes kinkifying a sexual activity is easier said than done… so here are 10 suggestions for ways to infuse a little D/s or fetishistic fun into your next blowjob. (And to be clear, these work just as well for strap-on BJs as they do for sucking bio-cock!)

1. Dirty talk. This is one of the easiest ways to bring a kinky narrative into your blowjob. As the giver, whenever your mouth isn’t full, you can talk about how good your partner’s cock tastes, what a desperate slut you are for them, how much you enjoy serving them (or controlling them), and so on. As the receiver, you can spin stories about the purpose of the blowjob (is it a punishment? a privilege?) and who you imagine your partner to be in relation to you (your good girl/boy? your tormentor? your slave?). A raunchy monologue or dialogue is a fantastic way to keep your erotic imagination as engaged as your body is.

2. Hair-pulling. Sharply tugging someone’s hair at the root will certainly get their attention, and may also enable you to guide their head where you want it. It adds elements of sadomasochism and control to your blowjob, without a ton of effort required.

3. Distraction play. It’s tons of fun to use your mouth to try to distract someone from a task, like writing, playing piano, or reading aloud from a book. (“Hysterical Literature,” anyone?) Some people like to do this in riskier situations, like while the receiver is on a business phone call, but I think that crosses into “involving non-consenting parties in your play” territory. You can certainly pretend to do that, though!

4. Sensory deprivation. It’s even easier to focus on the sensations in your mouth when your other senses are limited in some way. This may involve a blindfold, noise-canceling headphones, or both. As an added benefit, this may be particularly relaxing for receivers who are insecure about how they look or sound while being sucked off.

5. Bondage. Try cuffing the giver’s hands together behind their back; it makes a blowjob instantly kinkier and more difficult. You could also try strapping them to a bed and fucking their face, if they’re into that (see below), though that’s an advanced-level move that should only be undertaken by confident experts! As for the receiver, they can be immobilized in various fun ways too, with cuffs or rope, making them helpless and unable to do anything but feel the sensations being bestowed upon them.

6. Deepthroating. This nifty move is a staple of the blowjob porn genre, and for good reason: it’s a dramatic, impressive party trick that can also feel really good, so I’m told. Depending on the dynamics at play, deepthroating someone’s cock could either be a submissive act of service, designed to please them by taking them as deep as you physically can, or an act of dominance through mastery, controlling them by giving them pleasure with your sheer competence. Either way, it’s a fun skill to learn and practice. Check out these “7 Essential Tips to Help You Deep Throat Without Gagging” for more on this.

7. Facefucking. Once you’ve mastered the art of deepthroating, you may be able to take things even further by getting your face fucked. This act can look violent and scary from the outside, but then, so can a lot of kinks. Always start slow, and make sure the two of you agree in advance on a “safe-signal”: a gesture or action the “facefuckee” can do if they need the “facefucker” to stop immediately. Some common options include tapping or slapping your partner’s thigh, shaking your head back and forth repeatedly, or dropping a small object you’ve been holding.

8. Roleplay. There are all sorts of different characters and archetypes you could project onto a blowjob to make it more illicit and hot. The roleplay can last the length of the BJ, or it could be a whole extended scene that culminates in oral sex. In either case, playing a role can help both partners release their inhibitions and find new ways to enjoy this tried-and-true sex act. Some popular relationships to roleplay include teacher/student, doctor/patient (or doctor/nurse), boss/secretary, masseuse/client, and sex worker/client – but you can be as creative and original as you like!

9. Hypnosis. This requires a special skillset, of course, but it’s not as hard to learn as you might think – pick up a copy of Mark Wiseman’s book Mind Play and you’ll soon be equipped to start hypnotizing people in sexy and consent-conscious ways. You could trance a BJ-giver into having a more sexually sensitive tongue or throat, being totally focused on the service task they’re performing, or becoming more and more deeply mesmerized the deeper they take the cock into their mouth. Likewise, you could give the BJ-receiver suggestions that’ll make them feel pleasure more strongly, feel as if they’ve been cuffed to the bed, or sink deeper into trance with every wet stroke of their dick. Hypnokink is magic!

10. Cock-slapping. This always makes me laugh in porn, but when it’s actually happening to you, it can be surprisingly intense! To be clear, I mean the kind of cock-slapping where the BJ-receiver grabs their dick and smacks it against the cheek/lips/face of the person sucking them off – which is delightfully rough and degrading – but you could also actually slap a cock in between oral interludes, if the receiver is into that. For certain kinksters, intermingling pleasure with pain is the fastest route to arousal!

What are your favorite ways to add some kinky flair to a blowjob?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.