hookups

Can Demisexuals Have Casual Sex? (& If So, How?!)

Kate Sloan

Ever since I came out as demisexual 2 years ago, people have had a lot of questions for me about that identity. Some of these include:

Q. What is demisexuality?
A. It’s an identity on the asexual spectrum, characterized by developing sexual attraction only to people with whom one has an existing emotional connection. In other words, demisexuals don’t (and indeed, can’t) become sexually attracted to strangers, or people they have just met and know nothing about; it takes some amount of intimacy, mutual trust, and/or get-to-know-ya time before a demi person can develop a sexual attraction.

Q. How is that different from just preferring sex in relationships over hookups/one-night stands?
A. What you’re describing is a preference; what I’m describing is a sexual orientation. If you don’t like hookups but nonetheless find yourself regularly feeling sexually attracted to people you don’t know or have just met – such as thinking the stranger across the bar is hot, or wishing you could fuck the cute person who just walked past you on the street – then you aren’t demisexual. Also, it’s worth noting that sexual orientation and sexual behavior do not always “match,” so just because a demisexual may not feel sexual attraction toward a person they’ve just met doesn’t automatically mean that they won’t hook up with that person, or won’t enjoy hooking up with that person.

Q. Wait, what? Why would you hook up with someone you’re not sexually attracted to?
A. Oh, gosh. So many reasons. For me personally, the main reasons I do this tend to be 1) the desire for the fun, excitement, and pleasure of the hookup itself, which can exist independently of whether or not I’m attracted to the person I’m hooking up with, and 2) the desire to use sex to get to know someone, so an attraction may develop. (It’s important to remember, too, in trying to understand this concept, that “not attracted to” is not usually the same thing as “repulsed by.”)

 

I thought today would be a good day to dive a little deeper on a question that is related to these, which is: Can demisexuals have casual sex? Or, more to the point, can they enjoy it?

I have indeed jumped onto a free sex app looking for a carnal meet-cute from time to time. I have swept my eyes over the stranger chatting me up at a sex club and thought, “Sure.” I am not immune to these temptations, though for me they are not based on sexual attraction. They’re more based on a desire for pleasure, excitement, and adventure.

In some ways, I think of sex like dancing. Some people say dancing is the most romantic, the most intimate and fun, when you do it with someone you’re in love with, or even just someone you’re attracted to. It may give you that buzzy feeling of crackling energy flowing between you, the desire to lean in close for an impulsive kiss, the sense that everyone else in the room has faded away and it’s just you and your dance partner, whirling and gyrating. But at the same time, I’m sure you can think of instances when you’ve danced with (or near) someone you weren’t in love with, weren’t even attracted to, and still had a good time. Perhaps you didn’t even know their name. Maybe the music was good, or the athleticism of the dancing got your heart rate up in an invigorating way, or you just enjoyed the fun of getting to know someone from the way they move. It may not have even mattered if you ever saw the person again; your one shared dance was a self-contained encounter that was pleasing in and of itself, and required neither a deep emotional connection nor a later reunion for more dancing. It is likely that your dance partner, or you, simply disappeared into the night sometime after the song was over, and you both moved on with your lives, not feeling pulled to reunite and reconnect, but still happy to have shared that experience with someone who seemed cool.

That’s how I feel about casual sex as a demisexual. It’s not necessarily the best version of sex I can have, or the most emotionally resonant, but that’s not really the point. It’s about fun and frivolity and feeling alive.

 

I suppose this raises the ethical question of whether your “dance partners” – by which I mean sex partners – need to know you’re not attracted to them. After all, to visit site after site and use app after app searching for a hookup can be an exhausting process; if mutual attraction is what they’re after, don’t they deserve to know upfront that it’s not an option, so they can swipe left and move on to the next?

I actually don’t think so, and here’s why. Most people don’t know what demisexuality is. Hell, most people don’t even know what asexuality is. They have not probed the concepts of sexual orientation versus sexual behavior. They have not pondered the ways a person can enjoy sex without attraction. So all they’re gonna hear, when you try to explain, is “I find you repulsive, but I’ll still have sex with you, if you want, I guess,” even if that’s not at all what you feel you’re expressing.

Should an opportunity arise in conversation, I’ll sometimes disclose something like, “I generally take a while to warm up to people,” or “I enjoy sex more when it’s with someone I’ve already had sex with a few times.” These statements have the added benefit of planting the seed in the other person’s head that you’d be open to an ongoing friends-with-benefits arrangement or similar, rather than just a one-off encounter. But they’re also a way of telling your date the truth about yourself, hopefully without making them feel like a gross gargoyle being thrown a bone (so to speak).

 

I will say, my demisexuality works more like a dimmer switch than an on/off toggle. If a deep emotional connection gets me hot, a shallower-but-still-present emotional connection gets me… warm. This – among other, more practical reasons, like my physical safety – is why I prefer to go on a date that may or may not end in a hookup, rather than just going over to a stranger’s house (or inviting them over to mine) for immediate sex. You typically can’t develop profound intimacy in the timespan of just one date, but you can develop some intimacy. I like to ask people not only basic first-date questions (job, family, hobbies) but also slightly more probing questions, that may reveal something deeper about who they are, such as:

  • What’s your passion?
  • Read any good books lately?
  • Does the climate crisis worry you?
  • Overall, are you happy with your life?
  • What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today?
  • What’s the last thing that made you laugh really, really hard?

Beyond helping make attraction possible for me (even if it’s just a mild attraction), these types of questions are also just… fun to hear people answer, even people you’ve just met. One of my favorite things about dating and hooking up is getting to know new people. Even though I’m a huge introvert and can only handle it in small doses, I find it delightful and eye-opening to chat with people from different walks of life about their experiences, opinions, hopes, and fears. Getting to learn more about humanity and get laid in the same evening? What’s not to like?!

 

Lastly, I feel it’s important to add that you can always say no to sex, for any reason you want. You can say no to the idea of casual sex altogether, and just stay home reading a book. You can say no to the random person who asks you out via Tinder, if their vibe rubs you the wrong way or you just don’t feel like going out. You can say no to staying for another drink, if by the end of the first one you’re bored to tears or just wishing you were home watching Netflix instead. You can say no when your date asks you back to their place, whether it’s a “no, but maybe next time” or a permanent kind of no. You can say no when you’re back at their place (or yours), after a nightcap or after some kisses or after some touching or whenever the hell you want. You can say no to seeing them again. You can say no at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all, and anyone who makes you feel like you can’t is someone you should get away from as soon as you possibly can. (Block their number, too. You deserve better.)

As a demisexual, I’ve found that the most likely juncture of a date when I might need to say no is when we’re paying for our drinks/dinner/whatever and have to decide whether to move to a second location. If I don’t want to have sex with them, right then or perhaps ever, but they’ve made an invitation for me to do so, I can say:

  • “Thank you, but no.”
  • “I’m not really feelin’ it.”
  • “It was nice meeting you, but I need to get some rest.”
  • “I don’t think we’re a great fit, but thanks for your time.”
  • “I’ve had a lovely time, but I think I’m just gonna head home.”
  • “I’m not really feeling sexual chemistry here, but I hope you have a good rest of your night.”

I used to feel guilty about doing this, as if I had “wasted their time” by declining sex when there was an unspoken agreement that sex would (or could) happen. But frankly, anyone who believes sex is an obligation, in any context and for any reason, is not a safe person to have sex with. This is also why I prefer to pay for my own drinks/food/transport on all first dates; I need all the help I can get convincing myself that I never owe anyone anything and am free to say no at any time. There is always a chance that someone will get angry and/or aggressive when rebuffed in this way, however gently; this is one of the many reasons it’s best to have all first dates in public, well-lit places where there are plenty of other people around.

 

Are you a demisexual person who enjoys casual sex? What are your tips and tricks for having demi-friendly hookups?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

On Using Dating Sites During a Pandemic

Kate Sloan

At the beginning of this pandemic, I thought, “Guess nobody’s gonna be dating for a while” – but my friends are proving me wrong.

It’s been fascinating to observe. I have friends who’ve logged onto OkCupid just to have flirty, esoteric text chats with strangers, friends who’ve sipped coffee on Zoom dates with cute new beaux also sipping coffee in their apartment across town, and friends who’ve even met up with potential paramours for socially-distanced park picnics or patio hangs. Knowing and trusting that my friends are staying smart and staying safe (to the best of their ability within a harm-reduction framework), I admire their ingenuity in the face of the lockdown loneliness that’s hit many people hard.

I myself have even scrolled through Tinder once in a while during this global crisis (old habits die hard), looking to strike up a volley of banter with someone hot and smart. It’s not that I’m necessarily looking for new partners or dates – in fact, I very much do not have the energy for that these days, and wouldn’t feel safe meeting up with strangers just yet. It’s that I miss the sense of serendipity and possibility that comes with, say, discovering the guy sitting next to you at the cocktail bar loves the same longform improv troupe you do, or blushing when the cute clerk at the bodega tells you she likes your dress. These little hits of romantic “what if?” are so small, and rarely lead to anything more (for me, at least), but some days they are the social fuel that keeps me going. So if asking random Tinder folks offbeat questions just for the sake of conversation is the safest way to access that feeling these days, I commend anyone who chooses to do it in order to hold onto their social sanity and sense of hope.

Here are some crucial commandments to follow – in my opinion, which is not necessarily the wisest and certainly not the most medically informed opinion, mind you! – if you want to use dating services for just such purposes while we wait for a vaccine and a return to quasi-normalcy:

  1. Pick the right site/app for you. This is always the first step I recommend when embarking on online-dating adventures, because these days, the options are so plentiful and so varied that you can actually tailor your choice to your tastes and priorities. Click around the site/app to get a sense for its overall culture and what its users are generally into, whether that be casual hookups, long-term relationships, non-monogamy, or whatever else. If you’re not sure, you can also read reviews (like this Uberhorny review) of the site/app you’re considering using. Pro tip: I would imagine that sites and apps which have actively issued safety warnings to their users about COVID-19 – like Tinder and Grindr – are likelier to have cultures wherein fewer mask-eschewers and “plandemic” believers can fester.
  2. Be upfront about your intentions, ideally right in your bio so no one has to waste time on you if their desires don’t align with yours. If you’re only up for phone dates and Skype dates for the next several months, say so. If you’re hopeful that that’ll include phone sex, sexting, or what-have-you, say so. If you’re looking for someone to actually meet up with IRL during all this, say so – and include information about what safety measures you would expect to implement around that, and what you’d expect from a potential date in that arena. I know this isn’t the most “chill” stuff to put on your profile, but look, we’re not living in “chill” times.
  3. Don’t lower your standards just because times are tough and pickings are slim. Yeah, maybe all you’re seeking is a torrid sexting session with a rando, but you still deserve a rando who’s polite, respectful, and makes you feel good! Try to remember what your dating priorities were before this mess started (I know, it can be difficult to hearken back to The Before) and do your best to seek people who line up with that. It’s true that priorities can change in troubling times, but the basic facts are always still there: you don’t need to put up with people you find rude, entitled, or boring. You still deserve the high-quality connections you want – whatever that means to you – even if circumstances feel pretty different now.
  4. Make digital dates feel like “real” dates in whatever ways work for you. That might be dressing up, lighting some candles, tidying your room, making yourself a nice meal or cocktail to enjoy while you chat with your new cutie, or something else entirely. The ritual of dating has always been one of my favorite things about it, and if that’s true for you too, it’d be a pity to miss out on that comfort and excitement just because you’re stuck at home. You don’t have to have that sexting session while wearing dirty sweatpants and rocking unbrushed teeth – in fact, you’d probably feel much sexier during the convo if you didn’t!
  5. Come prepared with questions or games, because – as you might know – phone dates and Skype dates can be a little awkward at first. True, in-person dates can also be weird as fuck, but most of us have more experience with them and know how to navigate their weirdnesses better. In case of uncomfortable silences, you can usually remark on something in your environment or ask the bartender a question or whatever – not so when you’re holed up in the same bedroom you’ve been stuck in for ages! Plus, most of us have had fewer everyday social interactions these past few months than we did before, so our ability to be smooth and chatty may have eroded slightly. If I was trying to meet new dates online at this time, I would prep a few interesting questions to ask my date, and frame it (if necessary) as a game where we ask each other questions – or just set it up by simply saying, “Can I ask you something weird that I’m curious about?” You could even send your date this list of questions and take turns asking each other things.
  6. Allow for adjustments if and when you end up meeting a new beau in person, whether that’s a few weeks from now or way out in the future when the pandemic has died down significantly. I recently interviewed dating expert Camille Virginia about finding love in the time of coronavirus, and she reminded me that intimacy and rapport can feel very different online than they do offline – so your super-hot phone-sex pal might not immediately turn your crank once you can actually touch them, smell them, and see how they move through the world, but that’s okay. It takes time to adjust to each other’s in-person conversational rhythms and quirky mannerisms. “If you had a great connection over video or phone calls, try to establish a new norm with that in person,” Camille says, “because it’s a different way of being with each other. Give it a little longer.”

Have you been using dating sites/apps during the pandemic? What’s your strategy?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

We’re Not Blowjob Machines, Bro

Kate Sloan
This is my “just had an unsatisfactory hookup” face

Let’s do some sex math, shall we?

  • Number of male sexual partners I’ve given oral sex to: 23
  • Number of male sexual partners I’ve given an orgasm via oral sex: 12
  • Number of male sexual partners who’ve given oral sex to me: 17
  • Number of male sexual partners who’ve given me an orgasm via oral sex: 4
  • Percentage of men I’ve gotten off orally: 52.2%
  • Percentage of men who’ve gotten me off orally: 23.5%

In talking to my female friends who have a fair amount of sex with men – especially casual hookups – this seems to be a pretty common trend: fewer dudes try to go down on us, while implicitly or explicitly expecting us to go down on them, and even fewer dudes actually put in the time and effort necessary to bring us pleasure and orgasm.

I recently did a highly unscientific Twitter poll, because I wanted to learn more about this, and it found that 42% of folks with vulvas receive oral sex 0 or 1 time for every 4 times they have sex (versus 36% of folks with penises). This definitely isn’t a perfect poll because it doesn’t take sexual orientation into account, and because some respondents said they don’t receive oral more often because they don’t want to receive oral more often, but the fact remains: no one is a blowjob machine; we all have needs too.

These behaviors, I believe, come from a tangled ball of sexist (not to mention cissexist and heterocentric) myths our culture pushes on us, including:

  • Cunnilingus is more intimate than a blowjob
  • Vulvas are more difficult to please than penises
  • Women’s desire for sex isn’t as intense or as frequent as men’s
  • Orgasms are more important/central to men than they are to women
  • You don’t have to treat someone with respect if you’re just fucking them casually

I would like to make clear that I’m not arguing everyone wants or should want to receive oral sex, or that orgasms are the be-all and end-all of sexual satisfaction. But oral sex and orgasms are two metrics of many for measuring sexual equality in society. A 2013 study of 600 college students found that women are half as likely to orgasm in a casual hookup as they are in relationship sex. These numbers – as well as the studies supporting the existence of the orgasm gap – suggest that for as far as feminism has come, sexual satiety stats in male-female encounters still skew heavily in favor of men, especially in the realm of hooking up.

This problem got so bad for me toward the end of my sluttiest phase that now I don’t even have the energy for casual sex anymore (at least not with men!). I know it’s overwhelmingly unlikely to leave me satisfied, so even when I’m intensely craving sex, I don’t bother seeking it out on dating apps; it’s good sex I’m craving, and that’s not hookup sex for me. Do all those sexually bumbling dudes know that they’re actually hurting their chances of getting laid by putting zero effort into pleasing their partners?

There isn’t an easy way to rectify this problem, as the best way would involve widespread change in the way our culture talks and thinks about sex and gender. But here are some rules I’d like to set for myself if I ever dive back into fucking casually:

  1. Don’t have sex with people who don’t make you laugh. Seems unrelated, maybe, but if I find someone funny, I’m likelier to find them attractive (which means I’ll be more aroused and more likely to have a good time), and if they’re putting effort into cracking me up, they’ll probably also put effort into dicking me down well.
  2. Ask for more “foreplay” if needed. I don’t like the term “foreplay” because it implies that anything before PIV sex is less valuable/important, and also that PIV (or some equivalent penetrative form of sex) is the centerpiece of the session, neither of which are fair assumptions. That said, I often need more time to be spent on the acts we traditionally think of as foreplay, and I shouldn’t feel shy about asking for it.
  3. Be honest about your needs and wants. I’ve too often been asked “Did you come?” by hookups and responded, “No, but it’s okay,” when I actually wasn’t okay with it. I need to get more comfortable expecting better from my partners.
  4. Be proactive about your own arousal. True, this isn’t completely within my control, but there are some factors in my arousal that I can control, like my stress level before and during a date, my alcohol consumption on the date, the recency of my last orgasm, and whether I bring a vibrator. I can also fantasize during sex and/or do relaxation exercises to help myself get and stay aroused.
  5. If someone’s selfish in bed, don’t fuck them again. Pretty simple.

I think following these 5 rules could improve my future hookups drastically… It’s just a question of whether I’m brave enough to actually follow them, and that remains to be seen.

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

10 Ways Sex & Hookup Websites Can Be Safer For Women

Kate Sloan

For as much as I talk about dating sites and the hours of amusement they’ve brought me, I don’t actually think they’re that great. They’re too often full of creeps and trolls, seeking to offend and harass more than they’re seeking actual dates or hookups. The situation is dire. Even at times when I’ve been highly motivated to find dates and/or sex on these sites, sometimes I felt cockblocked by my insidious fears about getting catfished or doxxed – or worse, assaulted on a date. It doesn’t have to be this way!

Since so many dating sites and apps are subpar in this area, I’ve put together these 10 suggestions for how these companies can make their services safer and more appealing for women. (A lot of this applies to people other than women as well – anyone vulnerable and/or marginalized, potentially – but I’m a woman so that’s the perspective I’m coming from.) I wish more sites would take these ideas into account!

Comprehensive blocking. I’ve yelled about this before, but… please, please, Hookup Websites, give us a decent blocking feature. You should be able to block someone before you match with them, not just once you’ve already matched (*cough* fuck you Tinder), and once you’ve blocked someone, they should be unable to see any aspect of your profile ever again. This isn’t even that difficult to implement and would make lots of people feel much safer.

A reporting feature that works. If someone is sending unsolicited dick pics, or misogynist screeds, or using pick-up artist tactics, or (god forbid) attacking people on dates, there should be an option to report them on the app or website and have them investigated by a human person (not a robot!) from the platform. If need be, their profile should be pulled. Letting creeps run wild on your site is a surefire way to make women nervous about using it.

Functional filtering. Beyond just making it easier to find compatible dates, this feature can also prevent a lot of scary or annoying situations. I simply don’t want non-feminists to be able to view my profile, let alone interact with me. I’m not saying everyone who rejects the feminist label is dangerous, but certainly in many cases their ideologies are (who the fuck doesn’t want gender equality in this day and age?!), so I just want them gone from my digital life. Nip that “friendly debate” about my personhood in the bud. Byeee.

Identity verification. Okay, this is a controversial one, because some people are understandably skittish about having to upload their ID to a dating site. Some folks even get angry when asked to do so. But I think, provided the data was kept private and managed responsibly (i.e. maybe deleted altogether after verification was complete), it would be worthwhile to make sure people actually are who they’re claiming to be. The internet makes it all too easy to catfish folks, and that’s not cool. Plus I think people would behave better on a platform if they knew it had all their info on file.

Vouching. If you’ve had a good date with someone, maybe you could leave them feedback in the form of a review, like on Yelp, or a rating, like on Uber. Of course, this feature is somewhat objectifying and would likely be abused – I can imagine shitty men leaving bad feedback for women who didn’t “put out” after their date bought them dinner, for example – but it could be useful for shunning creeps.

Taking privacy seriously. I had no idea, for example, when I linked my Instagram account with my Tinder account, that matches and even non-matches would be able to click through to my IG profile and thus immediately learn everything about me; I thought this feature would just show my pictures on my profile. Some dating apps use geolocation, some force you to disclose your school or your workplace, some make you use your real name… All of these “features” are problematic because they put you at risk if someone decides to track you down. Let users decide how much they want to disclose!

Gender self-identification tools. I hear lots of different things from my trans, non-binary, and genderqueer friends about how they wish gender worked on dating sites. However, the common thread seems to be that they wish there were more options rather than less, even if they wouldn’t actually use the options provided. Not every trans woman will feel comfortable disclosing on her profile that she’s trans, for example (especially since doing so often brings on harassment and even violence), but some trans folks prefer to air that stuff upfront so they don’t have to deal with it later. Dating sites should allow for this. In doing so, they’ll also normalize gender disclosure for everyone, not just trans people.

Tools for setting expectations. Many dating sites already have this – but many don’t, and it’s weird! You should always be able to indicate whether you’re looking for something casual, something more serious, either, or something in between. This can help prevent some of the tension that arises when you go on a date with someone whose dating goals end up being different from yours.

Clear community guidelines. I’d rather they be too harsh than too lenient. No unsolicited sexual media, no pick-up tactics, no racism, no sexism, no homophobia, no transphobia, that kind of thing. Setting these boundaries clearly and publicly, and standing by them, would make a company seem more trustworthy to me, and thus more worthy of my patronage.

Investment in sexual health and anti-sexual violence causes. Okay, this one’s more abstract and indirect. But I would definitely trust a hookup platform more if it had made tangible monetary contributions to these causes. Being publicly sex-positive and feminist isn’t just a marketing tactic; it helps establish a culture on the site, and shows abusers and misogynists that they’re not welcome.

What safety features do you wish more dating sites had?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Sex on Stage & Consent in Comedy: An Interview with Hookup Director Paul Bates

Kate Sloan
Photo via the Bad Dog Theatre

Y’all know how much I love improv, and you definitely know how much I love dating and hooking up – so, needless to say, I got excited when my favorite improv spot, the Bad Dog Theatre, launched a show a few years ago called Hookup.

The premise is simple: the cast says, “Raise your hand if you’re single!” and then picks two random people to talk to. They ask these volunteers about their lives, jobs, personalities, friends, hobbies, and what they’re looking for in a romantic partner. And then – with occasional input from these singled-out singles – the cast does an improvised one-act play about what might happen if those two people met and hooked up.

The show sells out week after week, and for good reason: it’s one of the best things on any Toronto stage anywhere right now. The cast – which includes, among others, the show’s director Paul Bates and his wife Christy Bruce – is incredibly hilarious, whip-smart, and always compassionate. The stories that unfold are wacky, unpredictable, and full of heart.

I reached out to director and cast member Paul Bates to interview him about the sexual and romantic aspects of the show, how he deals with sex and consent on stage, and why the show’s become such a runaway hit. Hope you enjoy reading our chat!

Photo via Paul Bates

Kate Sloan: Thank you for agreeing to chat with me! I know it’s a little bit weird for me to be like, “I have this sex blog; I want to talk to you about your improv show!” but…

Paul Bates: Yeah! I think that’s great. I think it’s fun. When we’re backstage, we’re often talking about the improv aspect of the show, but we’re rarely thinking about the sex point of view – other than the imperative that people have to have it in the show, you know?

KS: Yeah! Well, I think about and reference improv all the time in the work that I do because my improv training has been so helpful to me in things like conversational skills, but also dirty talk, roleplay, that kind of thing. So I always tell people they should take an improv class.

PB: Oh, great!

KS: Okay, so – I love the show so much. I’ve gone to see it like 6 or 7 times. It’s maybe my favorite improv show I’ve ever seen in like a decade of going to shows.

PB: Oh, wow. Thank you!

KS: The cast is incredible, it’s so well-structured, it’s consistently really really funny. Can you tell me a little about the conception of the show and where the idea came from?

PB: Yeah. Julie Dumais Osborne, the woman who runs the Bad Dog, invited me to come pitch her some ideas. I tried to think of a few, but this one was easily the most compelling one. It just felt like the easiest, simplest and cleanest idea. I don’t know if you know the game “Day in the Life,” but it’s a game that goes over really well in most improv shows, where you meet somebody in the audience, you talk to them, you ask them about their day and their lives and “What is an average day for you? What do you have for breakfast? Where do you go to work? How do you get there?” So I thought about that, and I was like, “How can I apply that to something a little more universal? Is there a way to talk to more than one person about their lives?” At first, hooking up just seemed like – well, that’s something everybody does! It felt like a very accessible and easy game to play. And after that, the question was, how does it fit together? The one thing that I didn’t want to do, and that nobody in the cast wanted to do, was make it a romantic comedy – a thing where everybody winds up happy at the end. So that was our big difference: this isn’t romantic at all! It’s gonna be a hookup, and what happens after that. There’s no imperative that anybody has to stay together. It’s probably, more often than not, better if they just go their separate ways. So, not trying to be cynical, but also not trying to be formulaically romantic about it.

KS: Yeah. I love that about it. It kind of takes the pressure off.

PB: Yeah, totally. We love the casualness of it, and when we’re trying to steer the show the way we want it to go, we’re always trying to push for however many casual hookups we can produce in the same show – and then, what will each one lead to?

KS: Yeah. I always love the romances between the secondary characters. They’re so much wackier, usually.

PB: Yeah, that’s my favorite, all the way. It’s hard to find somebody who wants to play the main characters. Everybody always wants to play the secondary characters. They’re the most fun.

KS: Oh, really! That’s interesting. Whenever I see the show, I always wonder if people ever get offended by how they’re portrayed in the show, ‘cause they’re kind of being caricatured.

PB: Yeah. It’s a fine line, and we always try to make jokes involving them and have fun with their lives, while still celebrating them and not just having fun at their expense. There’s only been a couple of times where we did do that, where we did have fun at the expense of people that we talked to, but each time, they kind of deserved it, and the audience was on our side. [laughing] One time, there was some guy who was just too self-assured, who kept talking about all the media projects he has going, and he was kind of bragging and boasting, and it was just too easy. But the audience was kind of like, “We get it. We get this dude’s vibe.” And then there was another guy… He put his hand up, and we talked to him, and we were like, “Who are you here with? How do you guys know each other?” and he was like, “Oh, we’re on a date.” Or, “We’re dating.”

KS: Yikes!

PB: So, you know how we say, “What’s a word to describe this person?” When we asked his date to describe him in one word, she said “douche.”

KS: Oh my god!

PB: So, already, I was like, oh man, has this date completely gone off the rails? But we basically played him as a complete douche, always dating someone all the way through. We gave a lot of power to the character of his girlfriend, and the audience loved it. I don’t know if he loved it. But by and large, I don’t know if we’ve ever really offended anyone. The closest may have been not too long ago: we did a show where there was someone involved in the world of finance who we were talking to. I can’t remember the exact job she had, but it was in the world of venture capitalism, where you’re buying companies, restructuring them, and selling them – which sounds to me like you’re laying people off. And so, the more we went into the show, the more we were critical of her line of work. We were making it sound like she’s destroying people’s lives. So it’s a pretty actor-y take on somebody’s Bay Street job. That might’ve been the closest, but we really try to avoid doing that. There was one guy who was on a first date that we wound up talking to once, and he was like, “Ahh, I’m on a first date,” but I totally got where he was coming from, because you can’t just say, “Oh, I’m not single” if you’re on a first date…

KS: Right.

PB: So it was a bit of a no-win scenario for him.

KS: Just don’t volunteer!

PB: Yeah, he shouldn’t have volunteered. But, you know, we also don’t exactly say what they’re volunteering for when we get them to put their hands up, so I totally understood the trap he was in.

KS: Yeah, true.

PB: But everybody played into it really well, and the audience was on his side, and he had a really good time. The strangest thing about it is, like, we might go off the rails in our caricature of some of these people, and then when we meet them afterwards at the bar, they’ll be like, “Oh my god, that is exactly my life!” and we’re like, “Really?!” Maybe it’s a case of people seeing what they want to see, but they usually, 99% of the time, walk out having had a really good time.

KS: That’s great. I guess maybe you wouldn’t know this, but, to your knowledge, have any of the couples ever actually hooked up?

PB: There was once where I’m pretty sure… Like, they definitely talked for a long time at the bar, and I think maybe they left at the same time. Usually, we’re watching. Especially Natalie [Metcalfe]. Natalie loves it. She stays and keeps an eye out. And if ever they’re talking, everybody’s just like, “Oh, what’s gonna happen!” We really want it to happen. We want to be responsible! But more often than not, there’s chatting done and then they kind of go their own ways. I don’t know if numbers have ever been exchanged. There’s often been cases where one person is more into it than the other, which is heartbreaking for me.

KS: Yeah. I feel like, someday, someone’s gonna come to your show and be like, “We met here and we’re getting married.” It’d be the best marriage toast story.

PB: I hope so. I’ve been in that situation before, where people have come up to me and said, “Hey, man, my first date was to your improv show,” and that always makes me feel good when the relationship works out.

KS: I’m really curious about how you to decide to handle sex during the show. Usually, it seems like sex things start and then you edit and go to the next scene. I did see one where Kris Siddiqi was, like, rubbing his head on someone’s ass, and this was his signature sex move, and that was one of the only times I’ve seen actual representation of sex in some form on stage. But how do you handle sex in the show?

PB: That’s a good question. I saw the pictures of Kris with his head in a butt – I wasn’t there that night – and as soon as I saw the pictures, I was like, “I wish I was there.” But sex, yeah… It’s interesting. Sex usually gets edited away and implied, for what feels like a couple of reasons. One is that sometimes the sex is gonna be funny – like with that example you cited, and there’ve been other ones as well – and then sometimes it feels, not gratuitous, but if we’re just simulating sex acts on stage, are we doing good comedy? We have to be like, “What’s the best joke here?” and I think we’re more likely to engage and act it out if we know that there’s gonna be a comedic payoff to the sex scene. Definitely there’s been other cases where something really acrobatic got going, where we were up against a wall or something… I remember pinning Christy [Bruce] against a wall and simulating sex with her for some reason, but I can’t remember why!

KS: [laughing]

PB: And then, the other reason is – everybody’s pretty good about physicality in the show, but if you’ve done improv, you probably know that physicality is one of the first things to go out the window. People are generally averse to touching a lot in an improv scene. It’s a tough habit to break, and it’s a good habit to break, because physicality is so important in a scene. But then you also enter into the question of what’s safe for everybody, what’s acceptable. We’ve actually gotten in the habit backstage of checking in with everybody in terms of, “How safe does everyone feel? Is anyone injured? Does anyone not want to be touched tonight?” It’s probably something that should happen before most improv shows. It’s a habit I’m happy everyone’s gotten into. But yeah, I think for the most part, to answer your question, it’s a narrative thing. I think it makes more sense to not feel like we owe a sex scene, but if there’s potential for a sex scene, then people are usually happy to jump in.

KS: I think that that’s really great that you have conversations about consent. I feel like I’m hearing more about that in the comedy community over the past few years, which is really nice.

PB: I know. It’s a little shocking that it took this long! But yeah, especially with our show, I can’t remember who first mentioned it, but oh my god, yes. There’s a lot of comfort to deal with, especially when you’ve got somebody coming in who doesn’t do the show every week. It would be weird to have a guest come in and be brought into this world of intense physicality. So they have to be given a heads-up beforehand.

KS: Yeah. So, the show is constantly sold out. I’ve been to the Bad Dog a lot; I think those are definitely the most crowded times I’ve ever seen it. I’m wondering: is it easier to sell tickets to shows that are about love and sex? What do you think it is about the show or the format that makes people go so crazy over it?

PB: Yeah. It is a little bit of a mystery. This is easily the most popular thing I’ve ever come up with. I think there’s a few really clear and good reasons, and one is, the content is universal. You could take it to every corner of the world and the themes still make sense. The title is clear; you get what the show’s gonna be about, it’s about hooking up. And then on top of that, the game that gets played, in terms of what improv is going on, is also very clear, very easy to understand and explain to your friends. “They talk to two single people in the audience and then they act out their lives and they show a story of what it would be like if those two people hooked up.” It was smartly marketed around Valentine’s Day when it first came out – like, “the Valentine’s show for singles” – so it got marketed towards a lot of singles, and I think the fact that it has a very clear idea, a very accessible, universal idea, made word-of-mouth very easy. I think word-of-mouth is basically what is making the show sell out. People see it and they bring back their friends and want to share it with their friends, and then that multiplies and multiplies. And then people come up and they want to be picked. Like, “Oh, it’s my friend’s birthday, pleeease pick my friend!” People literally showed up with Price is Right-style signs once, a couple years ago, with reasons they should be picked. I think almost all the improv at the Bad Dog is really really good; I think the difference is that this show has a hook that is easy to relate to people who haven’t been there. It’s a marketable show – not by design. We just kind of made a show we thought would be fun. And obviously, also, its success depends mostly on the fact that the cast is superb. It wouldn’t be there without the people in that cast.

KS: Yeah. I’ve brought so many people to see it. People get very excited about the concept, like you said.

PB: Oh, thank you! That’s great.

KS: So, you mentioned Christy, and – if this question is too personal, feel free not to answer, but – I’m just so curious what it’s like doing a show like this with your spouse.

PB: It’s very fun. Christy loves to play over-the-top characters. She likes to get into the seducing scenes, and she likes to get physical. She likes to get melodramatic. So it’s always fun to play with her. I think she has license to go over-the-top and go a little farther in this show, which is great. It’s fun to be able to do a scene with your wife where you don’t have to worry about wondering what the other’s boundaries are, I suppose. We kind of know. We’re able to have an intimacy that might be a bit much to ask of a partner on stage otherwise. That said, I’ve also seen her be just as intimate with other guys on stage, and that’s also kind of funny and fun to watch. So yeah, I think it’s really cool to have her in the show, and it really helps that she gets the show so well, and that she’s been doing it for so long, and that she has an energy that really works in the show. It’s nice. It’s become something that we enjoy doing together. Other couples, I guess, do pottery or whatever, and we get to go do this improv show. It becomes kind of a couples’ recreational time, in addition to a professional thing we’re both performing in. There’s no uneasiness about it or anything.

KS: She is just unbelievably funny.

PB: Yeah. She’s very funny. She’s great. She’s wonderful.

KS: This is a really big, broad question, but – have you learned anything about human relationships or sex or romance from doing this show?

PB: That’s a really good question. Yeah, a little bit. I’m not really somebody who did a lot of hookups or one-night stands or whatever, and through doing this show, I’ve become more aware of the wide spectrum of tastes and levels of comfort and approaches that everybody has, and I think that’s pretty cool. You really do talk to a bunch of different people, and you get a wide variety of styles and personalities and views on the subject from meeting people, which I think is really cool. It is almost more about the actual meeting people and communicating and negotiating that portion of it than it is about the sex in the show, now that I’m thinking about it. But it’s funny that you reached out about this interview at the time that you did, because at exactly the same time, I was trying to seek out a lot of sex-positive blogs, just to educate myself more on that term, because it was kind of new to me. I’ve started thinking about Hookup in terms of what it means to be a sex-positive show. I think it makes sense that it is one. I suppose something I’ve learned is to look at this show in the sense that, everything is celebrated, nothing is weird, and the show is about what everybody’s into. You have to do that, because you’re basing it on the people in the audience. They’re the heroes, and you’re not in a position to judge what they do. I like a show that’s super positive, super celebratory, and okay with everything. Part of that, also, was that right from the beginning, we were like, “We wanna make this show gay, we wanna make it straight, we wanna make it bi.” And now I’m like, gee, what else can we do? Can we make it polyamorous? Can we have a polyamory show?

KS: That’s so interesting, ‘cause me and my partner are polyamorous, and every time we go, I always kind of wish we could volunteer, because we’re available to date people, we’re just not single. It’s an interesting situation to be in.

PB: I was thinking about it after we agreed to talk. We’ve had a show specifically for a queer audience, a queer Hookup. A show specifically for a full polyamory audience would be a really interesting show, I think. I’m gonna float it around. But yeah, that’s what the perspective of the show has opened my eyes to.

KS: That’s really interesting and well-put. I hadn’t thought about it before, but I think you’re right, that is part of the reason I love the show: it isn’t sex-negative. I never feel like people are being shamed. It’s really nice.

PB: At the same time, it’s totally goofy – like Kris’s head in somebody’s butt. That might be how somebody has sex, or it might not. We are ready to do whatever on stage, and make it cool and normal and funny. I’m on board with that.

You can (and should) check out Hookup at the Bad Dog Theatre every Saturday night at 9:30 p.m. for the foreseeable future! Thanks so much to Paul for his candor and for creating a show I love so much. This interview was lightly edited for clarity and length.