kink

How to Connect with Other Kinksters on Dating Apps

Kate Sloan

One of the hardest things about being kinky (IMO) is meeting people you’re compatible with. Kinky interests tend to narrow your dating pool, especially kinks that are unusual or highly specific. It’s already hard enough to meet someone you get along with on a personality level – factor in the added complexity of sex and kink, and dating can be an intimidating task.

But there is hope! You can infuse a bit o’ kink into your early interactions with dating app matches, to get a sense of whether you’ll be a good fit. Here are some tips on how to do just that…

 

Image via Flure

Pick the right app

Certain dating apps attract kinkier demographics than others – which can, of course, affect how many cute perverts you’re able to connect with. You could try asking your local kinky friends what they’ve used, or you could check out an app that specifically aims to be sex-positive and kink-friendly, like Flure. Other kinksters are out there, hoping to find people like you – you just have to know where to look for them!

 

Put it in your bio

Okay, admittedly, not everyone reads bios. (This is one of my top complaints about dating apps, honestly!) But for those who do, you can leave a cute little clue about your kinks in there – or just straight-up say what you’re into, if that’s more your style.

I’ve gone back and forth over the years about how much detail to include. At times, I’ve simply described myself as kinky, or even just included a kink-adjacent photo amongst my other pictures – like me in a leather chest harness, or me wearing a 101 Kinky Things snapback hat.

At other times, though, I’ve mentioned specific kinks, e.g. that I’m submissive or that I’m into being spanked. Being explicit about sexual desires can lead people to assume you’re DTF right out of the gate, though – and I’m not, due to being demisexual – which is why I often end up deleting these kink disclosures not long after adding them in…

Image via Flure

Play a game

I used to like to play questions-based games with matches on apps sometimes, like “Let’s alternate asking each other questions about our lives,” or “What are your top 3 favorite ____ and why?” These conversations can be illuminating and fun, and also give you an opportunity to ask about the things you’re really curious about, like kink. Of course, you should ideally ease into this kind of thing; many people are put off by someone suddenly taking the conversation in a more sexual direction without building enough rapport first.

The Flure app has a built-in game called Sparks; it’s a chat-based icebreaker game that helps you and your matches get to know each other better. I love to see dating apps incorporating features that make dating more fun; it doesn’t have to be a slog! It can feel like play, and I think the best connections arise from that headspace anyway.

 

Test the waters with sexts

Okay, I’m not an expert on this one, because I don’t really like sexting with people I haven’t already established in-person chemistry with. (There’s that pesky demisexuality again!) It can make me feel uncomfortable, objectified, and pressured – which, by the way, is why I think it’s awesome that the Flure app has a “Safe Mode” where you’re prevented from seeing any explicit messages/photos someone else might send.

That being said – I know a lot of people do like to sext with strangers, or may at least want to exchange a few dirty texts prior to meeting, to feel out the vibe. If the rapport is there and things head in that direction, it could be the perfect moment to float your kink(s). “You’ve got a great ass – do you like having it spanked?” “Can’t stop thinking about you being on top of me, holding me down so I can’t move.” “Can I massage your feet before I go down on you?”

If the other person is amenable, fantastic! If not, well, at least you know now, and not three dates in.

 

Take good care of yourself if things go south

Dating and hooking up are always risky and vulnerable to some degree, but they can be especially so for people whose sexuality veers from the beaten path. When you tell someone you’re kinky – or even just hint at it – you are risking getting rejected, mocked, or flat-out ghosted. It’s just a fact of life, unfortunately.

But the good news is that dating apps make it easier to screen out the people who would do these things before you actually meet in-person, which can help keep you safer (physically and emotionally) when you make these kinds of disclosures. Dating is a numbers game, and the more people you filter out of your dating pool due to incompatibility, the closer you’ll get to finding the person/people you are compatible with.

That being said, it is totally okay to feel bummed out when someone reacts poorly to you sharing such an intimate part of yourself with them. Let yourself feel those feelings, and take care of yourself throughout that process as best you can – whether that means ordering delivery from your favorite restaurant, watching five episodes in a row of your favorite comfort sitcom, or complaining to your friend over the phone about how much kink-shamers suck. It’ll be okay. Eventually, this too shall pass, and you’ll be ready to get back on that horse – or back on that St. Andrew’s cross, as the case may be.

 

What tips have you found most helpful in connecting with other kinksters on dating apps?

 

This post was sponsored by the lovely folks at the Flure dating app! They’re all about prioritizing your comfort, safety, and freedom to explore your sexuality – check ’em out! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

3 Tips for Newbie Femdoms

Kate Sloan

I’m certainly no expert at domination, being a mostly-submissive switch – but I’ve done more domming in the last few years than I’d done in my entire life before that, and so I’ve gotten a lot better at it.

I think being a “femdom” – loosely defined here as a dominant who is female (cis or trans) and/or femme – involves some complexity that isn’t always there for male and masc doms. For one thing, male dominance paired with female submission is the most common heterosexual view of what a D/s dynamic should be (this effect was highlighted in a recent Natalie Wynn video, where she referred to it as “default heterosexual sadomasochism”). As a result, feminine dominants can be seen as disrupting the sexual status quo – because they are! – and may struggle with shame or other difficult feelings around that, whether those judgments are internalized and self-inflicted, or based moreso on feedback you’re getting from the outside world.

Femdom dating sites can help with this to some extent, but it’s hard to unlearn deeply ingrained societal narratives. For this reason and many others, exploring your dommy side as a woman or feminine-leaning person can be intimidating – but here are some tricks I’ve learned that help.

 

1. Create your own persona

Another hurdle facing femdoms is that there’s still not as much variety as one would hope in media depictions of feminine dominance. For a long time, I thought I couldn’t possibly be a femdom, because every professional dominatrix I knew was hyper-confident (at least externally), wielded a whip or paddle with panache, and looked dynamite in black leather. I didn’t feel like I fit the mold, and I only started feeling comfortable in my dominance once I cobbled together my own femdom persona from other sources.

When you picture yourself feeling powerful, hot, and in control, what are you wearing? How are you speaking to people? How do you walk and gesture and move? These are good starting points for building a persona, which will hopefully feel like accessing a new facet of yourself, rather than like playing a character (although it may take you some practice and time to get there).

 

2. Tap into what you really, really want

Despite having had sexual desires and fantasies for as long as I can remember, it can be hard for me to actually pursue those desires. As a submissive with people-pleaser tendencies, I’ll often default to asking what the other person wants, or I’ll just give them what I think they want. While this isn’t the most empowering or satisfying way to submit to someone (IMO), it can definitely be done, even for the course of an entire relationship, and an unattuned dom might not even notice you’re doing it.

On the flipside, when you’re in a dominant role, your desires are central (or at least, they’ll usually appear to be, within the narrative of the scene). It sucks to fall into the trap of asking each other over and over, “What do you want to do?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” so it’s important to figure out what actually turns you on and makes you happy, and then get comfortable asking for that.

I’ll often ask my partner, before a scene, if I can take a minute to just think and feel. I’ll close my eyes and pay attention to the places in my body that are craving touch, or the fantasies that come up in my mind’s eye. Or I’ll think through some possibilities and see which one creates a visceral response in my body. (This is also incidentally how I decide what I want for dinner, lol!) The more that I practice this, the easier it gets.

I’d also recommend keeping a record of the fantasies that arise for you during masturbation, or any porn clips or erotica stories you stumble across that get you especially turned on. I always appreciate having this type of list to pull from, when I want to do a scene with my partner but am feeling uninspired.

 

3. Delegate

This one depends on your sub and what they’re into, but I’ve found it soooo helpful to delegate certain tasks to my partner which enable me to be a better domme, especially since I have energy limitations due to my fibromyalgia. These tasks include stuff like:

  • Putting together a curated list of porn clips for us to watch together before sex/a scene, so I don’t have to run the whole arousal-building process myself for both of us
  • Keeping an ongoing list, in a shared digital note, of their fantasies and wishes, etc. that I can pull from as needed
  • Handling certain household tasks for me (or making/sending me dinner), so I have more time/energy to plan scenes and build my own desire level
  • Self-monitoring their adherence to our protocols, using an app like Streaks, so that I can confirm that they’ve done the tasks I assigned them, without needing to proactively enforce all the rules myself

 

I think it’s really important, overall, to understand that dominance looks different for everyone, and so does submission. Each D/s dynamic is unique and should be customized to the individuals within it. You don’t have to hold yourself to unreasonable standards, and your partner(s) shouldn’t, either. Find your way of being dominant, little by little, through trial and error, and you’ll build up those muscles (figuratively and perhaps literally!).

Fellow femdoms of all stripes, what other tips do you wish you’d gotten when you started?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Ways to Tell Your Partner About Your Kink

Kate Sloan

I’ve answered hundreds, if not thousands, of questions about kink in my career as a sex writer and educator – and one of the most common ones, without a doubt, is: “How do I tell my partner about my kinks?”

It’s an understandable thing to wonder. The seemingly obvious answer is “Just tell them,” but if it were that easy, people wouldn’t be asking the question in the first place. What they really mean when they ask this is: How do I conjure the courage to tell my partner about my kinks, given that I know they might react badly?

My best friend, sex educator Bex Caputo, would say: Don’t make it a big deal. If you tell them about your fetish with the same foreboding tone you’d use to tell them you got cancer, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Humans take a lot of cues from each other socially and psychologically, on both conscious and unconscious levels, and so if you disclose your kink in a way that’s fun and flirty instead of scary or self-flagellating, you’re much likelier to get a good response.

But there are a lot of different ways to do that. Let’s talk about some of them. (And please keep in mind that all of these suggestions are just ways to ease a disclosure and start a conversation – not finish it. You should always do some sort of negotiation before trying a kink that’s new to either of you, to make sure you’re on the same page about basic stuff like what’s going to happen, who’s going to do what, what your safeword[s] or safe-signal[s] will be, and what kind of aftercare you’ll each need.)

 

Fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list. This is a classic kink negotiation tool that’s especially useful at the beginnings of relationships when you don’t know each other’s tastes yet, or in established relationships when you’re in search of a sexual shake-up. Basically it’s a list where you both categorize a bunch of different kinks into 4 categories:

  1. Yes, Into = Yes, I enthusiastically want to try this thing
  2. Yes, Willing = Yes, I would be happy to try this thing if you wanted to try it, though I’m not 100% enthusiastic about it myself
  3. Maybe = I might be willing to try this thing under some circumstances; let’s discuss further
  4. No = I absolutely do not want to try this thing

Once you each complete your list, you can compare notes and see where there’s overlap and where there decidedly isn’t, and then go from there.

There are digital tools that make this process easy, like Old.MojoUpgrade.com, or you could pick up a copy of my book and go through it together, adding each kink to your list as you go.

 

“So I had this dream…” If you’re prepared to tell a little white lie to kick off a kink chat with your partner, you could always just say you had a sexy dream about [insert kink here] and then ask a question like:

  • Doesn’t that sound hot?
  • Have you ever tried that?
  • What do you think about that?
  • Would you ever want to try that?
  • Ever wondered what that would be like?
  • Does that seem like something we’d do?

This gives you a bit of plausible deniability, so that if (god forbid) they get judgey or freak out, you can say, “Well, it was just a dream.” (And then maybe decide whether you want to end the relationship and move on, ’cause… yikes.)

 

Porn, erotica, or live cam shows. If you have the type of relationship where the two of you consume sexual media together – whether as a prelude to sex or just for entertainment purposes – then this can be a good way to guide a conversation toward your particular interests.

You could, for example, suggest that the two of you each curate a playlist of 2-3 porn clips that you’ll watch together, or 1-2 erotica stories you’ll read together, alternating back and forth between theirs and yours. Maybe you set a theme, like “things we want to try,” or maybe you both just pick things you like to jerk off to when you’re alone. This is especially great because, when both partners are committed to the exercise, each of you ends up being bravely vulnerable in a way that makes it easier for the other person to do the same.

Sites featuring live webcam models, like FetishCamSites.com, can also provide a media-based jumping-off point for kink discussions. Maybe seeing a cute camgirl spank herself on-screen with a paddle could get your partner curious about paddles, for instance…

 

Sex shop visit. Now, don’t get me wrong: I would not recommend buying a flogger/enema/Neon Wand/whatever for a partner who has never expressed any interest in owning or using one. It’s presumptuous, financially risky (depending on how pricey the item is and whether its retailer has a good returns policy), and can make your sweetie feel pressured to say yes even if they don’t want to.

But, visiting a sex shop together can prompt some productive conversations about sex and kink. It’s easy to make up an excuse to do this, like needing to pick up some condoms or lube, or just walking past a sex shop and saying, “Hey, wanna check this place out?”

If your fetish is equipment-based – e.g. chastity, whipping, pegging – then you can locate that equipment in the store (you may need to check their stock ahead of time if it’s a specialty piece) and then ask your partner one of the questions I recommended in the “So I had this dream…” suggestion above. If your fetish isn’t related to any particular paraphernalia, you could instead pick up a kink book that you know mentions it (perhaps mine!), flip to that page, and ask the same sorts of questions.

 

Of course, there are more ways to communicate a fetish to a partner than just the ones listed here. What methods have worked best for you? How would you want a partner to tell you about their fetish?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

What My Objectification Kink Taught Me About Relationships

Kate Sloan

There are many forms of “objectification play” that I’ve experimented with, and the older I get, the more I seem to enjoy this kink.

There’s the version where I’m a literal object, usually a piece of furniture like a footstool or drink-holder, performing a functional service that may not appear outwardly sexual but can feel very sexual on the inside.

There’s the version where I pretend to be a doll – either a literal, porcelain doll, or a full-grown adult who’s been transformed via hypnosis or drugs into a “human sex doll” – and then get to be “used” by my “owner.”

There’s the form of objectification that most non-kinky people are familiar with, the kind that shows up in fashion magazines and in plenty of porn, wherein I’m viewed as a sexual object without agency or personhood, just a series of willing and fuckable holes.

And there are lots more ways this kink can play out that I haven’t even tried yet.

 

As with many kinks of mine, a lot of what appeals to me about objectification is the way it helps me reclaim and subvert shitty nonconsensual experiences I’ve had in the past. All the Tinder bros who text shit like “u up?” and “ready to be my fuk machine tonight?” All the hookups who cared more about getting off than giving pleasure. All the times I thought I meant something to my date on an emotional level – even one as simple as “I like her and like having conversations with her” – but it turns out that apparently I didn’t.

The sting of these mistreatments has eased a bit after several years, but I can still bring those feelings vibrantly to mind if I focus on those memories. Because I’ve paired that type of objectification with consent and pleasure in roleplays with trusted partners, the idea of being sexually objectified in this way is no longer quite as abhorrent to me – because I know it can be done in consensual ways.

Granted, none of the people with whom I’ve play-acted objectification actually saw me as objects; that was what allowed the play-acting to indeed feel like play and not like senseless cruelty.

 

As someone who writes about sex toys professionally (including, occasionally, sex dolls), I find it oddly gratifying to pretend to be a sex toy of sorts from time to time. There’s something subversive and relaxing to me about setting aside the sexual machines I’ve been writing about all day and then getting to morph into a sexual machine myself.

See, when I’m being objectified in a deeply consensual and intentional way, my mind gets to shut off. And I value that a lot, as someone whose mind is always racing with anxiety and deadlines.

But also, in my career as a sex scribe, I’ve encountered countless people who thought that my career choice was an invitation for harassment and nonconsensual sexualization. They thought that my creative interest in topics like sexual psychology and the history of the porn industry was reason enough to see me as a walking, talking sex doll who exists to spice up their boring lives.

I understand the desire to have your life overtaken by someone interesting and magical – it’s the reason “manic pixie dream girl” stories continue to get cranked out year after year. It’s also something I’ve felt myself, during long hours of swiping on Tinder late into the night, always hoping that the next swipe would conjure a life-altering force, someone so cute and charming and kind and loving that my entire daily existence would take on a different tenor just from having them around.

But as I’ve been learning in therapy, viewing other people as potential “redeemers” or “saviors” gives your power away. It strips you of the knowledge that you have the ability to make yourself happy more readily and more profoundly than any external person can. It makes you feel dependent on people you never actually needed and maybe never even really wanted.

 

So I’ve been on both sides of the objectification equation: I’ve been objectified (a lot), and in some ways I’ve objectified other people too, seen them as heroes or saviors or props in my life story.

This is no doubt why it feels so good to me now when I play with objectification, from either side of the D/s slash. Because it shows me the difference between the consensual and nonconsensual versions of these dynamics – and even equips me with the communication tools I need to say, “No. Stop. You’re putting me in a role I didn’t consent to, and I will not stand for that.”

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

4 Mistakes People Make When Buying BDSM Toys

Kate Sloan

As you might have inferred from the many photos on this blog that feature collars, paddles, cuffs, and so on, I love BDSM accessories so much! They can brighten and broaden your sex life in all sorts of delightful ways.

As someone who often advises folks on upgrading their sex toy collections, I often see the same mistakes being made over and over again. Here are some classic pitfalls to avoid when shopping for new kink toys…

 

Assuming their partner is on board

I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I saw customers doing this when I worked at sex shops. They would come in, a wicked smile on their face, and ask for my help picking out a bondage kit, or an electrostimulation toy, or wax-play candles… and when I inquired further, they would reveal that they had not discussed this with their partner, but just thought it’d be fun to surprise them with something spicy.

While there certainly are people who would consent to being surprised in this way, the key word there is consent. You can’t know if your partner has any interest in [x kink] if you’ve never discussed it with them. Chat with your person/people before shopping for new sex toys you plan on using together, so you don’t make them feel pressured when you show up unannounced with a scary implement in your hands – or, even better, involve them in the shopping process directly, so you can make decisions that work for both/all of you.

 

Not knowing the difference between aesthetic novelties and toys made for rough use

There are a lot of BDSM toys out there, and not all are created equal. Some are made durably enough to withstand even intense scenes between kinksters who play hard, while some would be more suitable for scenes where you’re moreso pretending to be restrained, or spanked, or collared, or whatever – scenes where it’s the idea of the act that matters, not the act itself.

For example, I have several different collars; some are mostly for aesthetics, and would tear or warp if someone tugged on them or attached them to a leash, while some are thick and sturdy enough that I can be yanked around by them without damaging the collar. Pay attention to material, quality of construction, price, and whether the company making the toy specializes in kink gear; these can all be indicators of how it’ll hold up under duress.

 

Ignoring safety in favor of aesthetics

For instance, while many people fetishize the aesthetic of metal handcuffs, they are actually not considered safe for kink usage. (Or presumably for any other usage. ACAB, forever and ever, amen.) They dig into your wrists, especially if secured too tightly, and can cause bruising, cuts, and even permanent nerve damage. Leather bondage toys are much safer, as are fabric ones.

I have also seen such travesties as spanking paddles with sharp edges, butt plugs with an insufficiently flared base, and gags that would make it nearly impossible to breathe if one’s nose became congested mid-scene. Think about potential safety concerns before you make any purchase, and read articles on safety by BDSM experts if you’re not sure.

 

Eyes too big for your… whatever

I’ll be the first to admit that I have made this mistake: bought dildos and butt plugs too huge for me to possibly use comfortably, thrown cute but mega-stingy paddles into my cart even though I know I dislike stingy pain, eyed spreader bars despite the knowledge that my legs don’t even spread that wide. It’s a normal human impulse to want to push yourself outside your comfort zone sometimes, but be conscious of which boundaries can be bent and which are actually limits.

If you get a toy home and discover it doesn’t work for you, some shops will let you return or exchange it. If it’s a non-porous product, you may be able to sanitize it and gift it to a friend or partner who’ll be able to make better use of it.

 

What mistakes have you made while shopping for kink toys?

 

This post was sponsored by the folks at Tracy’s Dog, who have recently released some new kink toys! As always, all writing and opinions are my own.