kink

7 Reasons My Book Makes a Great Valentine’s Day Gift!

Kate Sloan

My first book, 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, has been out for over 5 years, but I still hear from people regularly that it’s changing their sex lives for the better! (And yes, I do still cry every time I receive one of these emails… What can I say; I’m a sentimental pervert who loves helping other perverts become even pervier!)

Valentine’s Day is coming up real soon, and I know there can be a lot of pressure to buy your partner(s) the perfect gift. You could always go classic – flowers and chocolates, anyone? – but if you’re looking to get your sweetheart(s) something a little spicier, might I suggest 101 Kinky Things? Here are 7 reasons it makes a great Valentine’s Day gift!

1. It’s a conversation-starter

People are always asking me for advice on bringing up kinks with a seemingly vanilla partner. That leap of faith can be super scary, because of the risk of judgment or rejection – so why not let this book do the heavy lifting for you?

If you want, you can even mark certain pages with sticky notes so your partner knows exactly what you’re most curious about when they flip through it. And then you can ask them, “Which kinks appeal to you in this book?” There’s a wide range of activities, from mild (kissing, sexting, massage) to wild (electrostimulation, hypnosis, figging), so just about every reader will be able to find something in here to get excited about, regardless of their level of kink experience.

2. It’s full of actionable ideas for spicing things up

Does your sex life feel like it’s stuck in a rut? Not all ruts are bad, per se – sometimes it’s comforting to have a sex life built around acts you both reliably love! – but more variety often leads to more excitement. There’s an actual neurochemical reason for that: as anthropologist Helen Fisher explains in her book Why We Love, trying new things promotes more dopamine production in the brain, which can juice up your libido. Fun!

It’s a real point of pride for me that Kinky Things isn’t just a theoretical treatise on kink – three specific scene ideas are listed for each and every “kinky thing” in the book, so if you read about something that intrigues you, you can try it pretty much immediately. You don’t have to be a kink expert or do a ton of research for most of these activities, so it’s easy to get started, even if you’re a nervous newbie.

3. It’s fun to read together or separately

Some couples have told me that they enjoy leafing through 101 Kinky Things together, discussing each kink and whether it’s something they’d be willing to try. Some other couples have told me that they’ve each read it separately, maybe marking pages they wanted to ask their partner about, or making notes to discuss together afterward. Either way, this book can be a helpful communication tool and intimacy-booster!

4. It’s far more safety- & ethics-focused than Fifty Shades, etc.

Look, I love kinky erotica as much as the next literary perv, but there’s no denying that Fifty Shades promotes some pretty problematic ideas about kink. Consent contracts, creepy stalker behavior, non-consensual toast-eating… It’s a bit of a mess, ethically speaking! Erotica isn’t necessarily obligated to be ethical – it’s just fantasy, after all – but it can become an issue when (as often happens) someone views sexy media as an instruction manual, when it’s very much not intended as such.

To that end, I think 101 Kinky Things would be good to include alongside any kinky erotica you’re buying for your sweetheart. It addresses the ethics and safety considerations of each kink listed therein, and also contains good general information about basic kink concepts like negotiation and aftercare.

5. It adds to your kinky cachet

Look, I’m just saying… There is a certain type of sex nerd whose eyes would light up if they saw this book on your shelf, either because of its glamorously saucy aesthetic, or because they recognize my name from my podcast or somesuch. So if you buy a copy for your (non-monogamous) darlin’, maybe they can impress their other dates with it, you compersive cutie, you!

(On that note, I once saw a man on Tinder who was reading 101 Kinky Things in one of his photos. Obviously I SCREAMED and asked him out! He turned out to be a very good kisser, as you might expect… and I was struck by the socially intelligent move of “flagging” as kinky by including that photo on his profile!)

6. It’s beautifully illustrated

All these years later and I’m still swooning over the gorgeous illustrations Ewa Żak did for Kinky Things. They show a diverse range of body types doing all kinds of sexy stuff, and they set exactly the right tone for the book: classy-yet-depraved! Some of my faves are the ones for submission, medical play, and corsets… What are yours?

7. You can use it for impact play!

I love a good spanking, so naturally I was excited to try out Kinky Things as an impact implement as soon as the first proofs arrived in my hot little hands… and it turned out to be pretty awesome for that purpose! I’d recommend holding it by the outer edge and hitting someone’s ass with either the front/back of the book or its spine, so as to avoid pokey corners. It’s delightfully thuddy – my fave! Could be the perfect end to a romantic Valentine’s date… or maybe just the beginning? 😉

 

You can buy 101 Kinky Things on Bookshop.org or wherever you get your books! Thanks, babes, and I hope you have a rollicking good Valentine’s Day no matter how you spend it 💖

5 Ways to Ask a New Partner About Your Favorite Kink(s)

Kate Sloan
Or you could do what I do and just flag your kinks/sexuality on your leather jacket… (Photo by mb)

The best advice I ever got was from my late grandmother, who used to say to me: “You don’t ask, you don’t get.”

The more time that has passed, the more useful and true I have found this to be. How could I have known, without pitching them, that the Magic Wand company would happily commission me to make a podcast miniseries about their product? How could I have known that the “Twitter admirer” I later married indeed wanted to make out with me on our first date, if I hadn’t asked her? How could I have found beautiful apartments to live in, rad new publications to write for, or new friends in improv classes, if I hadn’t had the guts to reach out and ask for what I wanted?

I think this advice applies across the board in life, but of course, as a sex-&-relationships nerd, I’m most inclined to implement it in those areas. It’s especially useful to ask for what you want in bed when you’ve just started talking to someone new – whether you met them through mutual friends, over social media, or on the best dating app for LGBTQ in USA – because it can help you quickly filter out people you’re not compatible with, thereby being able to move onto more suitable prospects sooner. No sense in dragging out a doomed connection, if you ask me!

I know asking for what you want is hard as fuck, though, so here are 5 of my favorite tried-and-true methods of raising a beloved kink with a new person:

“Have you ever tried ___?”

I like this because it’s simple, effective, and direct, without being like, “Do you want to ___ with me right now?!” which runs the risk of scaring people off, even if they might otherwise warm up to what you’re asking. When you inquire about someone’s experience level with a particular kink or dynamic, you might learn that they’re horrified by the very idea, or you might instead learn that they’ve tried it several times and have very specific thoughts on how they’d like to do it next. Again, you never know until you ask!

“Have you seen [insert media property here]? What did you think of that scene where ___?”

One of the many joys of consuming great media (and sometimes even subpar media): it can be an easy gateway into conversations we want to have about sex and relationships. Whether you’re ascertaining a new beau’s stance on spanking by citing Secretary, sleuthing out a partner’s feelings on lifestyle D/s by invoking Fifty Shades of Grey, or assessing someone’s views on polyamory through the lens of Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, media references are a fabulously low-pressure way to dig into the conversations you want to be having.

“What do you think some people find hot about ___?”

This one is best utilized when talking to a sex nerd, someone who seems inclined to puzzle through the mysteries of the human sexual psyche with you. You can parlay a theoretical conversation about kink motivations into a more direct and personal conversation about your own kink motivations – if they don’t recoil at the very thought of the kink you’re pondering, which unfortunately can happen sometimes. This is also a good way to gauge someone’s general sex-positivity and empathy toward those with different sexualities from them.

“Would you ever wanna ___ with me?”

A bigger (and scarier) swing than a lot of these more indirect approaches, for sure, but sometimes the moment calls for that! I like this particular phrasing because it’s less urgently pressurey than “Do you wanna ___ [right now/tomorrow/next weekend]?” and it’s bolder and clearer than a vague “How do you feel about ___?” This phrasing also leaves the door open for them to raise any concerns or caveats they may have: “You know, I’d love to, but only if we [keep the lights off/pre-negotiate our aftercare needs/have experimental jazz blaring in the background]!”

“Can I show you a hot porn clip where ___? Then, if you want, you can show me a video you like!”

You’re definitely gonna wanna ‘read the room’ on this one, since some people would be aghast at the mere mention of watching porn with a partner, let alone kinky porn… but if your sweetheart seems open-minded, a co-curated smut screening can be a good way to open up to each other about your desires, without having to use your words. (Although, ideally, you would then use your words when negotiating the specifics of what you want to do together.) And naturally, porn is meant to arouse, so it functions as great foreplay for whatever comes next!

 

What are your favorite methods of bringing up kinks with new people you’re seeing?

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

One of the Hottest Things a Dom Can Ever Say to Me…

Kate Sloan

There are plenty of things doms have said to me over the years that reliably send a shiver up my spine. “That’s an order.” “Did I say you could move?” “Good girl.”

But one that I’m thinking about a lot these days (because a wildly hot person has said it to me a few times lately) is: “Duly noted.” Let me explain…

With all the discourse these days about whether A.I. chatbots and porn video games are suitable replacements for human companionship (IMO: no, but you do you!), I find myself frequently pondering: What makes humans uniquely sexy, much sexier than any cheap simulacrum rendered in ones and zeroes?

The answer I come back to again and again is desire. A robot cannot want me. It can perhaps convincingly pretend to want me, but whenever I recall that its desire is constructed, my proverbial boner deflates in an instant. Mutual desire is the bedrock of any sexual encounter I’d want to be a part of, and the whole shebang feels hollow and flimsy without that foundation.

For similar reasons, it’s incredibly hot when a dom says “Duly noted” (or variations thereof) in response to me dropping some info they might want to implement later – like that I enjoy having my hair pulled, or that I sometimes burst into cathartic tears while being praised during a spanking. It demonstrates their desire for me, their desire to make me feel intense feelings in optimal ways – and it also demonstrates their desire to know me better, to understand what makes me tick sexually. I can’t think of many things I find hotter than that.

A robot, by contrast, may well remember things you’ve told it, but its own desires aren’t a factor in deciding what to “duly note” about you. And so I don’t really give a shit what a robot chooses to remember about me. If fucking me is like an adult video game, I don’t want to be ‘played’ by a robot that’s calculating its route based on probabilities; I want to be a fun challenge for a smart, focused human who brings their own turn-ons, talents, and ambitions to the table. (There’s a reason I adore the ingenuity of human speedrunners on Twitch but refuse to watch tool-assisted speedruns, which I find boring by comparison!)

The moment when someone actually employs information they previously “duly noted” – says the exact right thing at the exact right moment, touches the exact right spot in the exact right way – is one of the hottest moments that can ever happen during sex/kink, if you ask me. It communicates, all at once: 1) I pay attention to you and remember things you say, 2) I am astute, clever, and resourceful, and 3) it turns me on to make you feel good. I mean, what could be sexier than that?!

Now, doms, I know I’ve given you a powerful tool here, but don’t go around dropping this line left and right like it’s some kind of secret password… It works best when used judiciously – because, unlike a robot, your brain doesn’t just store information indiscriminately. Your brain picks and chooses what’s worth “duly noting,” and when to put that knowledge into action. And that sharp discernment is what makes you irresistible to subs like me, who want to see you ‘win the game’ fair and square: no cheat codes, no algorithms, just your gorgeously imperfect human body and brain, doing what it does best.

 

Fellow subs, do you also have a weakness for this particular line? Any standout memories related to it? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

An Underrated Way to Expand Your Kink Palate…

Kate Sloan

Ever feel stuck in your kinks, like you’re just looping the same fantasies in your head every time you jerk off/have sex, unable to break free from your own patterns?

Trust me, I’ve been there. While I’d never advise you to shame yourself for your desires, sometimes it’s not shame so much as boredom and monotony that make us want to expand our kink palates and palettes. Humans thrive on novelty, after all, and even your all-time favorite treat might leave you wanting more at times. (A lady cannot live on chocolate cake alone, as much as she might want to…!)

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that you can liven up your kink life by playing with people whose kinks differ from yours – ideally people with whom you have some overlap, but plenty of differences, too. As a fetishist friend of mine once put it (while consensually threatening to do a knife-play scene with me!), “I mean, we aren’t looking to be life partners here. Maybe just learn some stuff.”

This resonated with me deeply because, for me, so much of kink is about learning: it’s a lens through which to continually discover and rediscover what interests you, what excites you, and what you’re capable of. And in kink as in the rest of life, we often learn the most from people who are very different from us – because they inspire us to try things we otherwise wouldn’t have considered, and therefore to reveal new facets of our sexualities and selves.

For instance, if I hadn’t met my now-wife, whose biggest kink is erotic hypnosis, I doubt I would have fully realized how much pleasure I get from flow-state-esque headspaces like trance and subspace. Trance allowed me to explore alternate forms of bondage, too – ones that constrained me using the power of my own mind, instead of ropes or chains, which was cool and hot in totally unexpected ways.

It was also through my wife’s love of hypnosis that we discovered my fondness for dollification, bimbofication, and other forms of “intelligence play” – which have been surprisingly healing endeavors for me, as someone whose smarts have long been the load-bearing center of her identity and who sometimes needs a break from carrying that mantle.

So, this week my advice to you is: Find a way to expand your kink horizons by connecting with someone whose tastes are way outside your wheelhouse. Could some new friends at a munch introduce you to your Next Big Thing? Could a random, exhibitionistic Omegle video call free your mind by letting you play a role in somebody else’s fantasy? Could filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list with a current partner lead the two of you down entirely new paths together, that you wouldn’t have stumbled onto without discussing not only your similarities but also your beautiful differences? Only time will tell… and you won’t know until you try! 😉

 

This post contains a sponsored link. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Review: Device Bondage Fleshlight Gas Mask

Kate Sloan
Gas mask, sans Fleshlight

One thing I’ve always loved about kinksters is our ingenuity. We have the wonderful superpower of being able to see the potential hotness in just about anything – and we can be wildly creative in seeking to fulfill our fantasies.

One such example is the Fleshlight gas mask. Let’s talk about it!

Clear-lens version (left) and blacked-out lens version (right), plus Fleshlight before being trimmed to size (below)

What is the Fleshlight gas mask?

Devised by the delightfully devious folks at Device Bondage, this product is an old-timey, military-style gas mask, which has been modified so that you can slip a Fleshlight Aviator insert (included) through the mouth.

When someone face-fucks you while you’re wearing this mask, your mouth is full of Fleshlight material and dick. Essentially, your mouth is operating as the hard casing normally found around a Fleshlight that keeps it tight and contained.

The company offers the gas mask with either clear lenses or blacked-out ones (see the above image for a comparison). Clear lenses are better for the voyeuristically inclined, and may also be a smart choice for beginners to breath play (or any of the other kinks mentioned below), as they’ll allow your partner to check in on you more easily mid-scene. Blacked-out lenses are better for those of us who enjoy dehumanization or sensory deprivation, although it’s worth noting that they aren’t fully opaque – just enough light comes through that I was able to navigate around my bedroom without tripping over all the furniture.

Included along with the gas mask itself was the following items:

  • A new-in-box Fleshlight Aviator stroker
  • A box-cutter/utility knife, which you’re supposed to use to manually trim the Fleshlight insert, since many users will not want 6+ inches of “SuperSkin™” in their mouth (more on this when I talk about my experience below)
  • A safety notice, explaining that this device “can pose a risk of restricting air supply” and smartly suggesting that doms and subs alike do a “trial run” prior to actually using the product, to make sure they know how to use it comfortably and safely (more safety tips below)
Included box-cutter/utility knife for trimming the Fleshlight insert

What kinds of kinksters might enjoy the Fleshlight gas mask?

Oh, where to even begin?! I’ll just go alphabetically – you might enjoy this product if you’re into any of the following kinks/fetishes:

  • Anonymous sex
  • Breath play & gagging
  • Cock worship
  • Consensual non-consent
  • Dominance & submission
  • Face-fucking
  • Fear play
  • Degradation & dehumanization
  • Medical play
  • Military clothing/paraphernalia
  • Rubber
  • Sensory deprivation
  • Spit/drooling

I happen to be into several of the kinks on this list, so although the company said I could pick any toy from their catalogue, I ended up settling on this one. I knew that using it would freak me out, but I was prepared for that eventuality, especially since I’ve had enjoyable experiences with fear play and other scary kinks before.

Some quick safety tips

First, you’re gonna want to remove the little grey circle of silicone that covers the air filter on the mask. This will enable you to breathe even while the Fleshlight is full o’ cock.

Definitely agree on a safe-signal beforehand with your partner whenever you use this product, because you won’t be able to speak while it’s in use. A good standard safe-signal is to tap twice on your partner’s thigh/arm/whatever, or to shake your head “no.” Make sure your partner knows they should stop immediately and check in on you whenever a safe-signal is used – or, alternatively, you may want to have one signal that means “stop immediately” and one that means “slow down/ease up/I need a break.”

Never leave someone unattended in this mask, incase they start to struggle to breathe for any reason. Likewise, the mask’s safety instructions recommend that you never restrain someone while they’re wearing this mask, presumably because then they won’t be able to easily use their safe-signal, remove the mask themselves, or physically push their partner away if they need to.

Finally, aftercare is always important in kink, but may be especially so when you’re playing with emotionally fraught kinks like consensual non-consent, fear play, and dehumanization. I tend to want cuddles and praise after engaging in these types of kinks, for instance. Before trying this toy, it’d be a good idea to get familiar with your partners’ aftercare needs, and your own, if you’re not already.

Things I like about this toy

  • Well, for one thing, it’s fucking hot! I’m not much for dehumanization kink in general, but I do love being (consensually) face-fucked, and feeling (consensually) “used” for someone else’s pleasure. Often while testing this toy, I felt reduced to being a blowjob machine, a mere hole to be enjoyed, which (in the context of my loving & respectful relationship with my partner) was hot as hell to me. It helped me tap into my submission very quickly, taking me down into a sweet, trancelike subspace. Yum.
  • My partner found it hot too, and said it was definitely pleasurable enough that she could’ve come from fucking my face that way (we didn’t test the mask “to completion” because the mask itself was scary enough to me and I low-key worried I’d choke to death on her cum). She described it as tighter than a regular BJ, though most of the tightness was focused around the base of her dick rather than the more sensitive head.
  • Because the trimmed Fleshlight is open at both ends, I get to lick my partner’s frenulum, taste her precum, etc. while she’s fucking the Fleshlight. This means I get to retain some of the intimate, closely connected feelings I get from giving a regular BJ, along with the more unusual (for me) ‘scary’ feelings of wearing a gas mask with blacked-out eyes.
  • Speaking of the blacked-out eyes, I ended up liking that version better than the clear-lens one, because I enjoy the sensory deprivation aspect of being blindfolded, and this is just a more extreme version of that. The dark lenses made me feel much more immersed in the scene and more mindful of the sensations I was feeling.
  • While face-fucking is one obvious way to use this product, the person wearing the mask can also take a more active role, bobbing their head up and down, as in a standard blowjob, to stimulate their partner’s dick with their mouth and the Fleshlight simultaneously. I like having this option when I want it!
  • Surprisingly enough, I think this product would be great for people who struggle with giving toothy blowjobs. Provided you haven’t trimmed the Fleshlight insert too short, it’ll cover your teeth, significantly cushioning the dick therein from any sharp edges. I really liked that my partner was able to fuck my face pretty rough and fast without either of us needing to worry about my teeth.
  • The straps on the mask make it very adjustable to fit different head sizes. I sometimes found it tricky to cram my head in there initially, but once the mask was on and the straps were tightened enough, the fit felt secure and comfortable, and I could breathe without issue.

Things I don’t like about this toy

  • Fundamentally I just don’t think I want to have Fleshlight material in my mouth, which this product pretty much requires. SuperSkin is a porous material, so – while it’s not toxic or anything – it can’t be fully cleaned between uses, as bacteria will always linger in the pores to some extent. I find this kinda gross and it would be a tough psychological hurdle for me to get over after a certain number of uses. (On that note: Make sure to wash and rinse the Fleshlight insert thoroughly before your first use; it tasted chemical-y to me straight out of the box.)
  • Both my partner and I found that our hair would often get caught in the metal parts of the mask straps, sometimes causing breakage or pain as we tried to disentangle it.
  • I didn’t love having to manually trim the Fleshlight insert down to size with the included super-sharp box-cutter, mainly because I am not a handy person and was terrified the whole time that I’d injure myself… but I do like that you can customize the Fleshlight to fit your mouth better in this way, since there is a lot of variation in mouth size between people.
  • I wasn’t really able to swallow very well while the mask was on (because my mouth was full of Fleshlight and dick) and so my drool kinda got everywhere, and sometimes made me feel a bit panicky and grossed out as it flowed back into my own mouth in large quantities. But I know that there are many spit fetishists who would find that sexy as hell, sooo…

Final thoughts

I’ve never tried anything like the Device Bondage Fleshlight gas mask before. It taps into a cavalcade of kinks, some of which I’m definitely into, and some of which I’m less into – but I’m really glad I own one, for those times when I want to feel dehumanized, “used,” and useful.

Some practical issues make it unlikely that this’ll become my go-to kink toy any time soon, but I appreciate any opportunity to suck my partner’s cock in new and interesting ways 😉 and just as with the blowjob mirror I reviewed back in 2017, this mask pushed my BJ fanaticism to its limits, and turned me on by scaring the shit out of me. Isn’t fear play fun?!

 

This post was sponsored, meaning I was paid to write a fair and honest review of this product. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.