long-distance relationships

5 Ways to Make Video Sex Less Nervewracking!

Kate Sloan

For the nervous among us, video sex (…or whatever we’re calling it these days) can be a bone(r)-chilling proposition – not because we don’t want to have it, necessarily, but because of all the anxieties it raises:

Will my body look appealing enough to my partner, through the lens of my low-def (or, worse, high-def) webcam? Will the glow of my laptop screen create flattering light in a dark room, or will it just make me look like a scene from The Blair Witch Project? Will my internet die at an inopportune moment, leaving a harrowing freeze-frame of me on my paramour’s screen? Will I squirt all over my very expensive computer and incur the wrath of the nerds at the Genius Bar?! (Uhh, that last one has never actually happened to me… yet…)

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for seven years, and although phone sex is our go-to, we do occasionally have sex via video call – and, while it initially made me shake with anxiety, I’ve used the following tips to get much more comfortable with it…

 

Tip #1: You don’t have to do video the whole time (or at all!)

Obligatory note on consent: If you don’t want to have video sex, you don’t have to. Period. There are other ways to connect sexually in long-distance relationships, and if video doesn’t turn your crank, I’d encourage you to communicate that to your partner and discuss other options. (This might be a dealbreaker for them if they’re a very visually-oriented person… or it might not, because photos exist. Who knows.)

That being said, it’s possible to freely consent to video sex even if you’re not that excited about it. Maybe there are things about it that turn you on, like being able to see/hear your partner’s reactions to your body, but your anxieties get in the way eventually. This has often been the case for me, so I very much appreciate that my partner and I will sometimes switch to an audio call after a while. The visuals are like an appetizer, or an aperitif, whereas the phone call is the main dish. Going audio-only helps me relax more, so I can enjoy myself more – and maybe it would help you in the same way.

 

Tip #2: Seek salacious inspiration

Whenever I feel unsexy in a particular sexual situation, I’ll look up videos of porn performers in that same situation, and see how they do it. Now, granted, this isn’t always the best approach – (most) porn is meant as entertainment, not education, and you may want to skip this one if you know that porn triggers your insecurities – but it’s an interesting starting point, at the very least.

Pay attention to stuff like: What poses/positions/angles do they use? Which toys seem to both feel awesome and look awesome on camera? How much time are they spending flirting with the viewer versus focusing on their own pleasure? What aspects of their style/approach, if any, appeal to you or would feel fun for you to try out? If it’s within your relationship boundaries, you could even hop onto a website featuring cam performers, BDSM cams, etc. and watch a live show for inspiration (don’t forget to tip!).

 

Tip #3: Wear something you feel cute in (and leave it on, if you want to!)

While sex is commonly depicted as a naked activity, it doesn’t have to be! I often feel more confident when I’m sporting a little outfit of some kind, even if said “outfit” is just a slip dress and some thigh-high socks. Sometimes I’ll strip it all off before the night is over, but other times I’ll just pull clothing aside to access relevant body parts as needed.

If the idea of being fully naked in front of a webcam freaks you out, why not ask your partner what clothing or accessories they’d find you hottest in? You don’t have to fulfill their wishes, of course – there are very few people for whom I would willingly subject myself to an underwire at this point, for instance! – but it could help you feel a whole lot foxier without even having to take your clothes off.

 

Tip #4: Try a medium-appropriate roleplay

It can sometimes feel awkward to try to replicate analog sex in a digital medium, so to speak… which is why it might help to do a roleplay that makes sense as a video call.

For example, you could roleplay a telehealth appointment gone awry when the doctor gets the hots for their patient… or an online job interview that yields chemistry more personal than professional… or a tech-support call with a shy-but-corruptible computer nerd. The possibilities are effectively endless! (And once again – if you need inspo, roleplaying live cams sites are a good place to start.)

 

Tip #5: Wear a blindfold

It may seem counterintuitive to wear a blindfold while engaging in such a visual form of sex… and indeed, if visuals are your primary turn-on, you might wanna skip this one. But I wanted to mention it, because wearing a blindfold reduces my sexual anxiety massively. It means that I don’t have to see myself on the screen (something that can also be fixed via settings in some apps, or by sticking a Post-It note over your own face on the screen – hey, whatever w0rks!), and it also just allows me to focus more closely on things that turn me on more than visuals do, like sounds, words, and sensations.

 

What has helped you most in combating video-sex anxieties?

 

This post contains sponsored links. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

Using a Sex Doll With a Partner is Underrated

Kate Sloan

It’s interesting, the narratives that evolve around particular sex toys. A woman who likes big realistic dildos, for instance, will often be assumed to like big dicks too, even if that’s not the case. A man who uses an anal vibrator can easily elicit comments about how he’s probably gay, even though anyone with a lick of sense knows that butts have no sexual orientation. And similarly, if you poll the public about what type of person owns a sex doll, odds are good that they’d tell you it’s single and (involuntarily?) celibate people who own them.

It’s true that sex dolls tend to be big investments – Best Real Doll has offerings ranging from $80 to $2,199 – and one could make the argument that a person is likelier to make that type of investment if they’re highly motivated by, say, horniness or loneliness or a combination thereof. But as anyone who’s ever been in a relationship can tell you, being coupled up is not an automatic or everlasting cure for horniness or loneliness!

Not to mention – and this is what I’d really like to talk about today – using a sex doll with a partner (or with multiple partners!) can be fun as hell. Let me count the ways…

 

Scenario 1: Long-distance play

Most applicably to my own life as a person in a long-distance marriage, adult sex dolls can be wonderful toys for couples who are separated by distance, whether for the long-term or the short-term.

Masturbating for each other over FaceTime or Zoom is fun, but it doesn’t necessarily help you feel like you’re there in the room with your sweetheart, because, well… if you were, you’d probably be touching them, rather than them touching themself. Watching them use a sex doll, on the other hand? *chef’s kiss*

Seeing my partner do things like go down on their sex doll, or get on top of it and fuck it, is like seeing my own sex life with them represented from a different angle. It’s also a bit like watching amateur porn the two of us have made together, except I’m not even there. It’s great! Highly recommend!

Scenario 2: Cuckolding

Cuckold kink is having a bit of a moment in the popular consciousness right now. (There’s even a whole book about the history of cuckolding, called Insatiable Wives. The more you know!)

However, even people who fetishize being cucked (or doing the cucking) may not want to actually go through with it in real life, for various reasons. Maybe they’re worried about STIs or COVID safety; maybe they work in childcare, education or politics and are concerned about being outed if they scout for a third on the apps; maybe they just prefer to be monogamous IRL despite their profoundly non-monogamous fantasies. That’s all valid, and cuck fans in those situations deserve to be able to explore their kink nonetheless!

That’s where sex dolls come in. They pose way fewer problems than a human stranger in your bed, and they also conveniently can be stored under said bed when you’re done, which… is generally inadvisable with real-life people. (Unless they’re into that, in which case, mazel tov.)

 

Scenario 3: Voyeurism, exhibitionism and/or denial

Chastity play is a part of my dynamic with my partner, and I could see it being fun to ride a sex doll in front of them while they’re locked up, as a way of teasing them with what they can’t have.

But even if denial isn’t explicitly part of your play, it can be hot to give your partner a show. They can “look but don’t touch,” like at a strip club, or they can get involved after a while if the spirit moves them. Sex-doll three-way, anyone?

 

Have you ever used a sex doll with a partner? Is it something you’d consider?

 

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

How to Have Sex in a Long-Distance Relationship

Kate Sloan

For a long time I maintained that I would never be in a long-distance relationship, because sex and other forms of physical affection mattered too much to me.

However, then I fell in love with a brilliant, beautiful, dominant-leaning switch who lives 500 miles away from me, so… that whole “never ever doing an LDR” thing kinda flew out the window.

Before we ever even had sex IRL, it became apparent to us – in the many many hours we spent falling in love over the phone – that we couldn’t be one of those long-distance couples who wait until they’re physically together to share any kind of sexual intimacy. There’s nothing wrong with that type of relationship, of course, and if it works for its participants then I wish them well! But this post is for people who aren’t happy with that being their status quo, and who want to explore alternate ways of building a satisfying sex life within a long-distance relationship. Here are some of the things that have worked for me and Matt…

 

Phone sex

This is the first way we ever really had sex, and is still, by far, the most common way we get each other off. Although it’s largely gone out of vogue in favor of sexting and other more “modern” forms of long-distance sex, I still think nothing really beats the phone. Sexting feels too abstracted for me a lot of the time, as if I’m having sex with my iPhone rather than with my partner, whereas Skype sex, Zoom sex, etc. make me too self-conscious about my own appearance to really focus on feeling good. Phone sex strikes a happy medium between the two, allowing for the intimate immediacy of hearing your partner’s thoughts and reactions in real-time, but without the hyper-scrutiny that can arise in video sex.

My top tips for phone sex:

  1. Don’t use the actual phone, if you can help it. Do an audio call on something like FaceTime or Skype (yes, these normally video-centric services allow for audio-only calls). The quality is much better and so your experience will be better too.
  2. Get the right equipment. You don’t want to be fumbling with your handset while you’re trying to, um, “fumble with your handset.” For years I’ve used a pair of standard wired Apple earbuds, which have a microphone built-in, leaving my hands free to do other things.
  3. Talk about what you would do if you were physically together. It’s that simple. Or, if you prefer, you can use your imaginations to craft a roleplay scenario that would only be possible on the phone.

 

Sexting

It’s not my preferred way of having long-distance sex, but many people enjoy it. Personally I find it too hard to juggle typing and touching myself at the same time. Many of the folks I know who are into sexting say that they don’t really masturbate during the sexting, but moreso after it, when they can scroll back through the messages to their heart’s content. I prefer the real-time aspect of phone sex.

However, sexting can be really fun, and may be especially useful as an avenue for communication if you struggle to tell your partner about your sexual desires and preferences. After all, sometimes it’s easier to type “I want you to [x]” into your phone than to say it out loud to your partner’s beautiful face. I suggest reading Tina Horn’s book Sexting if you’re looking for advice on how to sext like a pro.

Sexting can also involve the exchange of sexy photos or videos, both of which can be lovely to receive (consensually, at appropriate times) when you’re missing your partner’s body.

 

Long-distance sex toys

There was a time when virtual sex via high-tech toys – a field of products sometimes known as “teledildonics” – was an exotic, futuristic concept, something technology magazines wrote about with wonderment and awe. These days, though, that type of toy is pretty widely available, so “touching” your partner via Bluetooth is a beloved option for many long-distance couples.

My partner has a long-distance stroker and butt plug, both of which we frequently use not only when we’re apart but also when we’re together, because sometimes my chronic pain is such that it’s easier for me to control sliders on my iPad screen than to actually give sensation with my own two hands.

The folks at Honeysx recommend the Magic Motion brand of remotely-controllable sex toys for long-distance couples. I like their bright, punchy aesthetic and reasonable prices!

 

Video sex

If you or your partner have an exhibitionistic or voyeuristic streak, this is probably something you’d enjoy. Personally, performing in front of a webcam or phone camera feels too much like, well, performing for me, which makes it hard for me to relax into arousal – but I know lots of people feel the polar opposite!

Make sure you use a medium that’s totally secure (someone Zoom-bombing your private moment would be pretty awful). Consider having sex toys on hand to use on yourself, as proxies for your partner’s hands/mouth/genitals/whatever.

 

What’s your preferred method of having long-distance sex?

 

This post was sponsored by Honeysx, a site that has a great selection of long-distance sex toys. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

34 Nice Things to Do For Your Long-Distance Partner

Kate Sloan

Long-distance relationships are more prevalent than ever, so there are more people than ever who live every day in a perpetual state of missing someone. That sucks – but on the plus side, because of technology, it’s also easier than ever for long-distance couples to stay integrated into each other’s lives.

Cobbled together from my experiences and imaginings, here are 34 things you could do for your long-distance partner that will brighten their day and make them feel closer to you. A note: lots of these require money, but lots do not. Financial privilege (or lack thereof) is definitely a factor in how easy or hard it is to connect with your long-distance sweetheart, unfortunately. My hope is that you’ll find at least some new things to try on this list that are accessible to you. 💜

Establish a routine. The unpredictability and instability of LDRs – particularly if you’re never sure when you’ll be able to get together next – can be really draining. It’s nice to know you can still count on your partner’s presence in some form, even when they’re not physically present. So set some regularly-scheduled date nights and stick to them as well as possible. Show each other that you can count on one another, and on your relationship.

Send them food. If you lived in the same city, you’d be able to make them meals or take them to restaurants – but sending food from afar is the next-best thing if you can’t do those. Make use of services like Seamless and Uber Eats to keep your partner well-fed, if they want that. (This is particularly nice when they’re too sick or busy to figure out their own meal plan.)

Send them stuff they need. If you can make your partner’s life a little bit easier, don’t you want to? If they’re running out of toilet paper, low on cooking oil, or all out of laundry detergent, you can use the magic of the internet to get those things to them and save them a trip to the store. (Again: particularly great for a sick or busy partner.)

Send them stuff they want. You know, like presents? There doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason. Sometimes you just see something in a store and think, “Wow, my partner would love this.”

Share your calendar with them. This is a small-and-yet-big way to demonstrate your trust for your partner and your desire for continued intimacy with them. It’ll make them feel more involved in your life, because they can always see at a glance what you’re up to.

Send “good morning” and “good night” texts. Simple. Easy. Cute. Nice.

Read to them. Listening to your voice, over the phone or on Skype, might be the closest your partner can feel to you when you’re far apart. One lovely way to use your voice – especially at the end of a long day when they might be too emotionally drained to converse much – is to read to them. Books, articles, posts from your 2007 LiveJournal… Whatever appeals!

Send them flowers. My partner has done this for birthdays, anniversaries, and sadder occasions like a death in my family. It always, without fail, makes me feel special and loved. Plus it brightens up my room in a very physical, visible way, which my partner would also do if they were here!

Send them something to cuddle. A stuffed animal, or perhaps a body pillow. (My partner and I have long wanted to go to Build-a-Bear together to make a Matt-lookin’ bear I can snuggle when I miss them.)

Count down the days to your next visit. You can do this in some kind of app, in your shared calendar, or just daily via text. It shows your partner that you miss them and are excited to see them again – and it can make you both feel more in control of a situation that often feels very disempowering.

Wear a reminder of them. A piece of jewelry they gave you, a shirt you borrowed from them, their collar, whatever. You’ll feel closer to them when you wear it, and they’ll feel closer to you too when they see it in pictures (see below).

Send them selfies. One a day, or more, I say! Going without your partner’s physical presence for long periods of time is slightly easier when you can at least look at them.

Send them (consensual) nudes. I mean, of course. If they find your body sexy in person (which they likely do), they’ll find it sexy in pictures too. They can also use those pictures as “reference images” the next time they want to fantasize about you in a private moment, naw’m sayin’?

Send them snail mail. Love letters are underrated in this day and age! Their rarity also makes them likely to be a pleasant surprise for their recipient. Get out some nice stationery and hop to it!

Introduce them to your friends and family. They probably feel somewhat disconnected from your “real life” because of the distance. Keeping them acquainted with the important people in your life can help them feel more incorporated into your life.

Remember and acknowledge important days. Are they nearing the anniversary of starting at their current job? What about the anniversary of their grandmother’s death? Is their favorite TV show returning for another season? Does your bisexual sweetheart need some extra love and praise on Bi Visibility Day? Remembering this type of thing might seem small, but it shows your partner that you pay attention to them and are there for them.

Give them keys to your place. They may never even use or need them, depending on your situation(s), but it’s a nice gesture to give them a set anyway. It’s a romantic expression of “mi casa es su casa.”

Post pictures of the two of you on social media. One of the hard things about being in an LDR is that you can’t “be seen together” in the usual ways – at parties, family functions, shows, and so on. Social media can achieve a similar effect, however. Your love will feel special knowing you love them enough to show them off on Instagram.

“Sleep with” them. Just leave your phones/webcams on all night (if data plans and other technology constraints allow for this). It’ll comfort them to hear you softly breathing nearby, the way they would if you were right beside them in bed.

Reminisce on memories with them. Yes, they’ve already heard these stories – they, in fact, lived them – but verbally reviewing your special memories together can help you feel closer. “Remember that time we…”

Take time off to see them. This isn’t always possible, due to Capitalism™ – but if you’re at all able to completely step away from your work and other responsibilities for the duration of your visit, it’ll make it that much better. It sucks to be distracted by work when you want to focus on your partner. Maybe you could even reshuffle some vacation days so you get more time with your beloved instead of, say, taking off as much time for the holidays as you usually do.

Send them pictures of what you’re doing. The lunch you just made, the club you’re at, a weird billboard you saw on your walk to the subway. These little glimpses of your life help your partner feel closer to you.

Create a shared photo album online. If you both have iPhones, this is a built-in functionality via the cloud, though other systems probably have something similar. If you keep all the pictures of your adventures together in one place, you can scroll through them for comfort whenever things are hard.

Cheer them on. If they have a big presentation, performance, or project on their docket for the day, make sure they know you’re in their corner. You can be just as effective a cheerleader from afar as you could from nearby.

Leave them a piece of your clothing. To you, it may just be a sweaty old T-shirt; to them, it could feel like a security blanket.

Make them a playlist. A millennial love ritual if there ever was one. Bonus points if it’s tailored for a specific purpose – like a mix of jams for a party they’re throwing, or an assortment of your favorite showtunes because they mentioned wanting to get more into musical theatre.

Help them take care of themselves. As their partner, you may be able to see patterns they can’t – like that they put off grocery shopping too long when they’re stressed at work, or they socially isolate themselves when they’re depressed. Gentle reminders can be enough to keep them on the right track, self-care-wise.

Skype them into events. The people you’re partying with can say hi to your partner, and they can see what you’re up to and feel like they’re there too.

Consume media together. Sync up a Netflix movie while you’re talking on the phone, read the same book and discuss it, listen to their favorite band’s new album from start to finish together… Local couples have lots of opportunities to hit the cinema or check out concerts together, but long-distance couples have to get a bit more creative to share similar experiences.

Take them on “phone dates.” The two of you can each get dolled up and go out to a place in your respective cities – a bar or restaurant, say – and then talk on the phone while you’re there, as if they’re with you. The establishment’s staff might think you’re a little weird, but it won’t matter to you, because you’ll be on a date with your sweetheart!

Get good at phone sex, Skype sex, and/or sexting. If sex is important to both of you, you probably miss it a lot when you’re apart… so figure out ways to be sexual together when you can’t actually touch. Tina Horn’s book Sexting is a great place to start if you want to brush up your skills.

Give them a sexual stand-in for yourself. A Clone-a-Willy of your dick, perhaps, or a Fleshlight meant to represent your vag. A nice thing about sex toys is that you can use them whether you’re apart or together.

Surprise them with a visit. This is an advanced-level move, because it requires intimate knowledge of a) your partner’s schedule and b) how they react to surprises (some people hate them). But if you think they’d be open to it, and that they have time to spend with you, it’d probably make them really happy.

Talk about the future. So much of #LongDistanceLyfe is spent waiting for the next visit, and the next, and the next; it can make you feel like you’re on a sad hamster wheel of heartbreak, a Skype-era Sisyphus (try saying that five times fast). If you have plans to eventually move to the same place, live together, get married, or anything else, it can be soothing to talk about those plans from time to time. It’ll keep you both focused on your goal, and less bogged down by the daily difficulties of your situation.

 

What nice things do you like to do for long-distance partners?

Protocol Diaries: The Airport Pickup

Kate Sloan

Protocol – that is to say, agreed-upon routines and traditions – has been important to me in several of my kink-tinged relationships, but has become especially so in my current long-distance relationship. It often feels like the glue that holds us together when we’re apart, the fuel that helps us power through our long absences from each other’s physical lives.

I am a person who enjoys routines and traditions more generally, as well. I love that my mom makes the same nostalgic dishes on Christmas every year; I love watching fireworks in the park on annual holidays; I love kicking my writer-brain into gear with the same familiar coffee and muffin at the start of every deadline day. These repeated actions lend some structure and purpose to my life, giving me something exciting to look forward to and something comforting to reflect on. So of course I feel that way in my relationships too.

When Matt first started coming to Toronto to visit me, I would always wait dutifully for them at my apartment until they arrived in an Uber. As they neared my building, I would come downstairs and stand outside, glancing nervously at their location on the live map on my phone every few seconds, until they rolled up, got out, and kissed me, suitcase in tow.

But at a certain point, I just couldn’t wait around anymore. Finishing my work early and pacing around my apartment in anticipation often left me feeling agitated and powerless. When you miss someone as much as I always miss Matt, you want to see them as soon as you possibly can. And the soonest I can conceivably see Matt, when they come to visit, is in the arrivals area of the airport.

It gives us the chance to be almost cinematically romantic. The dramatic full-hearted kiss at the airport is such an iconic scene; I can’t help but smile when I see couples reuniting in this way. I notice people smiling at us when we do it, too, as if we’ve reminded them that wholesome true love still exists (though, in private, we’re not exactly wholesome).

At this point you might be wondering, “Kate, why are you calling this a ‘protocol’ like it’s a kink thing, when it’s actually just a romantic tradition?” Fair point, my astute friend. There are three elements that make this activity kinky. First of all, Matt always specifies in advance a particular item I should have ready for them when they arrive, like coffee, candy, or gum. Secondly, sometimes there is some secret sexiness going on under my clothes, in the form of lingerie, a butt plug, or an insertable vibrator I’ve been ordered to wear. And thirdly, anything can be kinky when viewed through a kinky lens. Every time I show up to greet my beloved at the airport, I think of it as not only a romantic gesture but an act of service I am doing for them as their submissive.

I’ve repeated this tradition so many times that my body has started to recognize it at almost a cellular level. When I walk to the subway station, get on the train, and then get onto the airport-bound bus at Kipling station, my brain and guts both know exactly what’s about to happen, and the excitement builds in my belly like the good kind of pre-show jitters. Even though Matt and I have been dating for nearly two years, I still get just as excited to see them in person as I did for our first few dates, and I think this ritual is part of the reason why; it creates a Pavlovian response that puts me into an eager, enthusiastic brainspace, receptive to love and affection.

By the time we get into an Uber that’ll take us back to my apartment, and I lean my head on Matt’s shoulder, I’ve been through an entire emotional journey. This process elevates the mundane aggravation of a long-distance relationship into something almost ceremonial. Love is worth celebrating and getting excited about, and this is one small way I’ve found to do that.