makeshift sex toys

Ah, the follies of youth.

We all make bad choices sometimes, but young people are especially prone to them, because they haven’t yet gained the life experience and knowledge they need to make better decisions for themselves; that self-education is a lifelong process.

I also think sexuality is an area where mistakes are easily made, both because lust and arousal are powerful disinhibitors and because far too many educational institutions still offer painfully inaccurate or nonexistent sex education.

Some of my silliest sexual mistakes prior to becoming sexually active (which brought a whole slew of even more mistakes) were related to using weird household objects to jerk off with. Now that I’ve grown up and literally review adult sex toys for a living, I know better… but back then, I was just feeling things out, so to speak. For your amusement and edification, here are some of the non-sexual items I have used for sexual purposes, and some suggestions of what I should have used instead…

An electric toothbrush

The classic. I’m sure I know dozens of people who’ve tried this at least once.

While I did occasionally find that the bristly side felt good in a vaguely masochistic way, usually I flipped the toothbrush around and used the back of the head. The vibration produced by electric toothbrushes is typically extremely buzzy, so I would have to rub it in circles against myself in order to feel much of anything. I got off that way regularly back then, but don’t think I could do so now, with my older, less easily orgasmic, more skeptical clit.

Obviously there are hygiene issues when doing this (I did not use a toothbrush that was currently anyone’s actual toothbrush) and, while the shape/size of an electric toothbrush is close to ideal for many clits, the stimulation itself leaves something to be desired. I think a slim, focused vibe like the Zumio would be the most logical upgrade.

A body massager I bought for about $5.99 at a discount shop

This thing was so weird. I’m sure I still have it somewhere. It was L-shaped, to help you reach sore spots on your shoulders and back (theoretically). It was EXTREMELY loud, such that I always had to put music on whenever I used it, and would get myself off with it as quickly as possible so no one would hear. The vibrations were powerful, but not particularly rumbly, which also contributed to me wanting to finish as fast as I could every time – using this vibe for too many minutes made my clit numb.

I didn’t have the budget for it back then, being a teen with no job, but it definitely would’ve been better to use something like the Magic Wand. And ideally I’d be able to soundproof my room as well 😂

A remote control for a stereo

I don’t think I ever used this penetratively… At least, I hope I didn’t…

My stereo’s remote was rounded off at one end, and I discovered somehow that rubbing it gently against my clit through my underwear felt good. It was something about the firmness of the hard plastic, paired with the softness of the curved edge. Hey, who knows why teenagers do what they do.

In retrospect, I probably could have achieved a similar effect with many other items – including my own fingers, if I’d used a light touch. But I didn’t have as much of a manual masturbation “repertoire” at that time so I didn’t know all the different sensations I could give myself without any toys (or makeshift toys) at all.

A shampoo bottle

Let me clarify… This was a bottle of Neutrogena T-Gel shampoo, which comes in a more slender bottle than most shampoos. Still, though – it’s a bit of an odd choice for penetration, which is the way I was using it. Hard plastic is a decent material for sexual usage in that it’s nonporous and generally body-safe, but the angular edges on many shampoo bottles make them uncomfortable at best and dangerous at worst.

I’ve only ever done this under very specific circumstances: I was jerking off in the tub, using my fingers or a clitoral vibe, and had trouble reaching orgasm, so I decided to add some penetration to get me there. (With my hand strength issues being what they are, usually I can only use up to 2 fingers inside myself comfortably, so if I’m alone and want penetration larger than that, it has to be with some kind of implement.) A small-to-average-sized dildo made of a firm material would’ve been a better choice, like any of the inexpensive glass ones I loved in my early 20s.

A cucumber

I mostly just tried this as a joke. Also, at some point long ago, I read a surprisingly hot erotica story about a woman who is overtaken by sexual curiosity about her neighbor’s vegetable garden and steals one of his cucumbers for masturbation purposes. That’s an image that doesn’t really leave you. 🥒

My partner brought home an enormous, slightly curved cucumber from the store one day because they were planning on using it to make some refreshing summer cocktails for us, but like the sex nerds that we are, we decided to fuck with it first. We left the plastic wrapping on it, which was a mistake, because it had some sharp seams that, uh, did not agree with my vagina.

If I wanted to try this again, I’d take the wrapping off and replace it with a regular condom (which is also what you should do if you ever plan on fucking yourself or anyone else with a piece of produce). Or I’d just use a dildo. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.

A cucumber that may or may not have been inside me at some point

There are a few classic questions that come to mind for me when I think about people who turn to sex educators for advice. “Why can’t my girlfriend come from penetration alone?” is one of them; “Does dick size matter?” is another. But here is the one I want to talk to you about today: “Can I use [xyz household object] as a sex toy?”

My initial knee-jerk response is a resounding “NO,” but if I want to be a bit more nuanced and detailed (like the people who wrote this guide to homemade male sex toys), I have to acknowledge that there are cases in which makeshift “sex toys” can be relatively safe to use. Generally, products actually made and marketed for that usage are safer and healthier (toxic jelly toys and “for novelty use only” monstrosities notwithstanding), but if you fantasize about using particular household objects for pleasure – or you face other barriers to accessing real sex toys, whether financial, privacy-based, or otherwise – you deserve to know how to use those objects as safely as possible. I’m not a doctor or a sex toy engineer and this is not official advice (don’t sue me!), but here’s what I know…

First of all, and most basic, you’re going to want to look for an object that is smooth. It depends on what you plan on using it for, of course, but generally, sharp seams and other pointy bits are to be avoided. You may be able to sand these down with sandpaper if you’re that committed to the cause.

Next, in an ideal world, you’d only use products made of non-porous materials, so they can be sanitized effectively and won’t accumulate bacteria over time. Glass, metal, hard plastic, and 100% silicone are all non-porous, and properly lacquered wood can be effectively non-porous even if the wood itself is not. A couple of the makeshift sex toys I used in my youth fit these criteria – one was a metal tube a friend had given me for my birthday that was designed for storing a single tampon in (?!), and one was the gently curved end of a hard plastic stereo remote control. The non-porosity of these materials meant I could clean them fairly easily with soap and water or a disinfectant wipe.

Many people are curious about using fruits or vegetables as sex toys. I understand the fascination – some of them have really beautiful and pleasurable-looking shapes! I also know this can be a cost-effective way to test out what kinds of toy shapes and sizes you’re into, especially since you can carve these treats however you like. (Were your eyes bigger than your vagina when you bought that giant cucumber? No problem, just whittle it down!) But if you plan on going this route, PLEASE wrap the item in a condom, at the very least. It’ll protect you from what’s on the surface of the toy, whether that be scratchy textures or pesticide remnants, and will lessen the likelihood of you getting an infection from stuffing yourself with produce. I learned the hard way that the plastic wrapping on some fruits and veggies is not a good enough barrier when I accidentally scratched up my insides with some tiny-yet-sharp protruding bits of plastic on a cucumber’s encasement. Just take the plastic off and replace it with a condom. And change the condom every time you reuse your “toy” thereafter, please!

“Put a condom on it” is actually good advice for a wide array of objects you could stick inside yourself. Given that even the actual sex toy industry isn’t regulated so not all products therein are actually body-safe, objects not made for that usage are even riskier. Whether you’re using a shampoo bottle, an electric toothbrush, or anything else, repeat after me: Put a condom on it!

Speaking of electricity… When it comes to putting electronics inside yourself, just say no. Toothbrushes are an odd example because they have to be moisture-resistant due to the nature of what they do, but even they are probably safest to use only externally, not internally. You don’t want to ruin your buzz (or your genitals) by accidentally zapping yourself mid-wank!

In addition, it’s my responsibility as a sex educator to tell you that you should not insert anything in your ass that doesn’t have a flared base. (Google “flared base butt plug” if you need a visual aid.) I also just generally wouldn’t recommend putting anything “makeshift” in your butt, because that area is more sensitive and more easily damaged than, say, a vagina or a penis, and it’s just not worth the risk, IMO.

Finally, please don’t fuck yourself with any items that other people in your household use, unless you have their explicit consent to do so. It doesn’t matter how clean you get it after you use it; it’s still a consent violation, and potentially a health and safety hazard, for other people who might encounter that object in your home later on.

Have you ever used a makeshift/homemade sex toy? How did it go?

This post was sponsored. As always, all writing and opinions are my own.