masochism

Review: Neon Wand

Kate Sloan

How to describe the sensation of electrostimulation? It’s like a hot tattoo needle pummelling your skin. It’s like a highly concentrated, strobing sunburn. It’s like the snap of a razor-sharp, sun-heated whip.

It’s like trust, like vulnerability, like catharsis. It’s like letting your partner usurp your will. It’s like floating in a subspacey haze, vaguely wondering from afar how long this has been going on and how long it will go on. It’s like that.

But let me back up. First we need to talk about the Neon Wand.

The sweethearts at SheVibe were kind enough to send me a KinkLab Neon Wand electrosex kit after I wrote, in January, about wanting to try E-stim. I opened the box reverently when it arrived, and carefully turned over each piece in my hands: the rubber-handled base unit, the four sturdy-feeling glass attachments, the AC cable, and the little booklet of instructions. The toy looked like something from a science lab, and though it stirred my recurrent medical-play fantasies immediately, it took me weeks to work up the courage to actually try it.

When I did finally affix one of the Wand’s attachments to its base and plug it in, I went easy on myself. I barely turned the dial up, and held the glass close to my inner forearm to test the sensation. Jagged red light shot out the tip and seemed to singe my skin, though it left no marks. The pain, mild enough to barely register, was nonetheless unlike anything I’d ever felt before – except the hot sharpness of a tattoo needle.

I’m glad I tried the Neon Wand on my own first, to get a sense for it, but it became clear that wouldn’t be enough for me. Like most types of kinky pain, I like electrostim best when exploring it with a partner. Alone, I just won’t press myself to the painful edges a dominant will. And – vitally – it’s difficult, if not impossible, for me to access subspace without someone there to push me into it.

Subspace, if you’re unaware, is the psychological state often cited by submissives, bottoms, and masochists as a key motivating factor in their pursual of these activities. Athletes chase a “runner’s high,” artists flourish “in the zone,” and submissives hunger for subspace. There’s some evidence that all these states are psychologically and physiologically similar – along with topspace, trance, and “flow.” For me, subspace is euphoric, like being pleasantly high; mind-emptying, like a hypnotic daze; disinhibiting, like a midnight wine buzz. In the right context and with the right type of dom, subspace can feel to me like the safest place in the world – because I have no decisions to make and nothing really to fear, knowing my partner will take care of everything.

The first time I used my Neon Wand with a partner, I think we expected a high-energy power-play scene, but what actually emerged was a slow, blissful exploration of subspace. My boyfriend cuffed me to my bed using my Sportsheets restraints, so I couldn’t move; all I could do was watch him. And watch, I did, as he first read the Neon Wand’s instructions and then began setting it up. This entire process took probably five minutes, but the wait felt interminable, because I wanted this cute and conscientious nerd to start zapping me already.

But first, he tested it on himself. I watched him hold the glass-tipped Wand to his arm, pausing in between each contact to adjust the dial on the bottom. I would highly recommend the top in an electrosex scene test their toy on themselves like this, especially if either partner is inexperienced with E-stim; you need to know what you are doling out in order to do so safely. And the person you’ll be zapping will also benefit from watching you do this, as I did that day. Trusting a top – knowing that they understand what they are doing, the intensity of it, the gravity of it – is a crucial component of the recipe for subspace.

Once my boyfriend knew his way around the Neon Wand, he began using it on me. He grazed it across my arms, my thighs, my belly. He touched upon known erogenous zones of mine: my nipples, my upper trapezius, my heart tattoo. He kept the intensity level low enough, at first, that I barely flinched. And then he began to increase it, muttering all the while his usual monologue of “You like that, babygirl? You want more? Can you take a little more for me? I need you to take a little more for me, baby…”

Endorphins kicked in, as they’re wont to do in sadomasochistic kink scenes. The pain got objectively worse but felt subjectively better. My yelps of pain melted into purrs of pleasure. I floated away to that place where subs go. I no longer cared what weird things my face or body might do. I was blank, buzzy, buoyant in my own brain.

Imagine if you could extend the length of an orgasm almost indefinitely, in a way that was fun and easy for both partners. Subspace, in a power-exchange relationship, can be like that. The deeper I fell into subspace, the more my boyfriend enjoyed pushing me down into it. The louder my gasps and shrieks got, the harder he tried to pull them from me. The higher he cranked the dial on the Neon Wand, the higher I felt on neurotransmitters trying to separate me from my pain. We luxuriated in this interaction for… I have no idea how long. One of the key characteristics of subspace is time dilation. Topspace, too. Time means nothing.

Some kink activities induce an altered state as a means to an end – like spanking someone to get them wet and ready for a fuck. But some kink activities induce an altered state for that altered state’s own sake – like hypnotizing someone just because they like the sensation of trance. Electrostimulation can be either or both of these things for me: pain and subspace turn me on, so we can move on to other sexy things once the Neon Wand is unplugged and put away – but I can also enjoy pain-induced subspace on its own merits. It doesn’t have to be sexual; it can be positively meditative. And sometimes it’s both.

Having used the Neon Wand on me a few times now, my boyfriend has only two complaints about it. One is that there are no markings on the toy’s dial, so you can’t find your way back to a beloved intensity level with any precision; adjusting the dial is always a matter of eyeballing it and hoping for the best. His other issue with this Wand is that we topped out its abilities and he’d prefer something with more power, though, as the bottom in these scenes, I don’t think the Neon Wand’s power is insufficient; I think my boyfriend is just an insatiable sadist. (It’s okay, I can say that; I love him.) The good news is, there are lots of other E-stim toys we could try – and endorphins don’t last forever, so if he keeps hurting me during the floatiest interludes of subspace, eventually my body will circle back to interpreting the pain it’s feeling as pain. And then the squeals and grimaces will return, and my boyfriend the sadist will be sated.

I’m overall delighted with the Neon Wand. It’s an easy-to-use, low-maintenance, well-constructed introduction to the world of E-stim. Beyond the physical sensations it provides, the real gift it’s given me is another intimate way to connect with my partner through consensual pain and altered psychological states. Before dipping my toe into electro, I never would’ve guessed that getting zapped could feel so zen – but here I am, an electrostim evangelist, sighing contentedly at the memory of my stinging skin.

 

Thanks so much to SheVibe for sending me the Neon Wand to review!

8 Strategies For Taking More (Consensual) Pain

Kate Sloan
Photo of me and Suz by Taylor J Mace

They say that if there’s something in your life you don’t like, you can either change the thing itself, or change your attitude about it. That’s an idealistic oversimplification when it comes to complex issues like poverty or chronic illness – but if we’re talkin’ consensual pain, then yes, I find changing my mindset makes all the difference in the world.

My first forays into consensual pain were mild spankings – first, with a long-term boyfriend, and later, with a super-kinky FWB. Almost as soon as the sensation veered from “scarcely noticeable” into “actually painful,” I would call an end to it. It didn’t feel good, so I couldn’t enjoy it. Right?

I’m sure this is true for many people, and no one should feel pressured to pursue sexual experiences they don’t actually enjoy or want. But in my case, I had Kink Feelingz about the idea of taking pain, so I wanted to keep trying. I was determined that my pain tolerance in reality would one day catch up to my pain tolerance in fantasy.

So I started learning and practicing what I call cognitive strategies for dealing with pain. I’ve helped a number of baby-kinkster friends through their initial adventures in masochism, and I think, in many cases, mental strategies help more than physical adjustments (although both can be helpful). Here are 8 tricks I’ve picked up that help me when I want to take a lot of pain; they’re not new or revolutionary, but they work for me.

1. Establish safewords and safe-signals. This is a 101-level kink safety requirement, but beyond being necessary to keep all participants safe, I also find these tools help me take more pain. When utilized with a communication-savvy partner who reads my body well and checks in as needed, these tools can help me moderate the sensation I’m receiving without breaking role or feeling pulled out of the moment. Try these:

  • The top can ask, “Where was that last hit on a scale from 1 to 10?” The bottom rates the hit. Then the top has a better sense of the bottom’s current pain tolerance, and can ask useful follow-up questions like, “Where would you like to be, on a scale from 1 to 10?” or “Do you think you could take a 7 for me right now?”
  • The top can ask, “What color are you?” and the bottom can answer either green (“I’m fine; you can continue”), yellow (“I’m okay but I need you to slow down/decrease the intensity”), or red (“I need you to stop immediately”).
  • You can develop a nonverbal communication strategy, e.g. the bottom taps the top’s leg/arm if they want the sensation to slow down, and squeezes it if they want more sensation. (This approach doesn’t work great for me because I tend to do these things involuntarily while receiving pain, but if you have more control over your body at that time, you might find this a useful technique.)

Notice that these strategies only ever require one-word answers from the bottom, if that. Pain can put a lot of people into a nonverbal headspace, so adapting your communication strategies in this way can help make sure everyone is safe and getting what they want, even when the bottom doesn’t entirely have their wits about them.

2. Warm up properly. This is less a cognitive strategy and more of a physical one, although really, when done well, it’s both. I can’t delve straight into an intense spanking sans warmup, both because my body isn’t ready for it and because my mind isn’t.

Regardless of what kind of pain you’re playing with (spanking, face-slapping, E-stim, nipple clamps, what have you), you can warm up by starting the pain at a mild level and slowly increasing it as the bottom goes deeper into subspace and can handle more. (As a top, if you’re not sure if the bottom is ready for more, the above communication tools are ideal for figuring that out.)

Note that some people prefer pain to feel “too” intense too quickly, and may want to skip warmup for this reason. I would only recommend this for people who already know their body’s pain responses pretty well, though.

3. Breathe. You hear this “tip” at every yoga class and in every meditation video. If you’re anything like me, you get a little annoyed by it after a while. I know, I know. Breathe deeply, you’ll think with an irritated eye-roll.

However, controlling my breathing has been one of the most useful skills I’ve learned in increasing my pain tolerance (there’s even scientific backing for this). I think that’s mostly because it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and lets me feel like I’m doing something, rather than just helplessly, hopelessly suffering.

Experiment with different breathing patterns to find what works for you. Personally, I like to take long, slow, deep, steadily rhythmic breaths through my nose. Sometimes my rhythm gets messed up when I get hit particularly hard, but I just try to remind myself to refocus on my breathing, and that helps a great deal.

Note: a bottom who uses breathing techniques to get through pain might find it disruptive to be told to count impacts out loud, repeat mantras, answer a top’s frequent questions, etc. If you are a top who likes to ask bottoms a lot of questions or make them count aloud, maybe check in beforehand with each bottom to see if they think that practice will fuck with their ability to modulate their pain the way they prefer.

4. Establish finite limits to the pain. I find this helpful for the same reason it’s helpful to know the length of a long-distance race before you run it: discomfort is so much worse when you have no idea when it’ll end.

This is not to say you have to start a scene by announcing, say, “I’m going to spank you for exactly thirty minutes”! For me, the quantification of pain often happens on a smaller scale during a scene. For example:

  • “I’m going to hit you really hard 5 more times, and then we’ll be done.”
  • “Think you can take 10 more hits like that?”
  • “I’m only going to hit you for one more minute. You can keep an eye on the clock if you want.”
  • “If you can get through another 30 seconds of pain, you’ll have earned lots of cuddles and chocolate.”
  • “You’re getting 25 more hits – unless you make another bratty remark, in which case, your punishment will be much worse.” (I learned this technique from spanking fetishist extraordinaire Jillian Keenan, who recommends it as a way of indirectly inquiring about a bottom’s limits without breaking D/s roles. Brilliant.)

Note: some bottoms prefer the chaotic unknown. Having no idea when a scene will end may increase their sense of fear in a way they find hot and/or cathartic. As with many of these tips, you can clarify your approach as a top by asking your bottom lots of questions about what they like about receiving pain, what specific feelings they’re seeking when they crave pain, how they conceptualize their pain, etc.

5. Use rhythm. This is a super contentious point amongst bottoms, I find. Ask 10 masochistic bottoms how they feel about rhythm versus randomness when they take pain, and you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

Personally, I find it so much easier to take large amounts of pain if it’s occurring at steady intervals. Randomness causes my body to tense up erratically, so I can never really relax or breathe deeply or give myself over to endorphin-y subspace in the way I prefer to.

That said, I’ve met many bottoms who find it exciting and hot to have no clue when the next hit will land (or the next zap, punch, scratch, etc.) – so now, when I’m topping, I usually ask bottoms beforehand whether they like their pain to be rhythmic or not. It’s a seemingly small thing but it can make a huge difference.

6. Remember why you’re doing this. As with any kind of suffering in life – consensual or not – it’s easier to get through pain if it feels like it’s for a specific reason, and you believe that reason is a good one.

As a bottom, sometimes I’m taking pain to impress a top, to serve them, to show them how good I can be for them. Sometimes pain is a tool we’re using to achieve a certain effect, like bringing me into subspace, turning me on, or giving me bruises we can admire later. Sometimes pain is a punishment, sometimes it’s a reward, sometimes it’s a fun bonding activity… It can be so many different things, and it helps to clarify, before any given session, what it is going to mean on that particular day.

As a top, here are some examples of how you can remind your bottom mid-scene of their pain’s purpose. As always, adapt these approaches to fit your bottom’s specific tastes and motivations for enjoying pain, which you can find out by – spoiler alert! – asking them.

  • “I love seeing you in pain like this. You’re taking it so well.”
  • “This’ll teach you not to [do x thing they’re being punished for] again, won’t it?”
  • “You love how subspacey and turned-on you get when I hit you, don’t you?”
  • “I wonder how much more you can take for me.”
  • “Your bruises are going to look so pretty for me once we’re done.”

7. Repeat an affirmation. (Also known as a mantra, though I’m trying to use this term less because some say it’s culturally appropriative.) I find this useful for many of the same reasons I find rhythmic breathing useful: it gives me something to focus on that isn’t the pain, and feels like a life preserver I can cling to in a hopeless, roiling sea of pain.

The two phrases I’ve thought most often during spankings are “no moment is unendurable” (originally from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest) and “this too shall pass.” The latter has been so useful for me in so many situations that I have it tattooed on my wrists – a handy placement, ’cause I can hold my upturned hands out in front of me during a spanking and read my ink over and over to help me get through the pain!

As a top, if you know your bottom finds these repeated affirmations helpful, you can give them one and tell them to think it or say it over and over while you hurt them. For example, my partner sometimes asks me mid-scene, “What are you?” and my ritualized answer is, “I’m your helpless little slut.” It helps recenter and refocus me on my desire to serve him, which can be nice when we’re doing something I find challenging. You can also just repeat a phrase at them if there’s one you think they’d find helpful – e.g. “You’re a good girl,” “Take a little more for me,” “You’re doing so well,” “You get what you deserve,” and so on. (Not to sound like a broken record, but you should really inquire about your bottom’s motivations for enjoying pain before you try this; telling a punishment slut they’re a good boy, for example, is unlikely to be effective.)

8. Focus on another sensation elsewhere in your body. I had a partner last year who would often put one hand on my lower back while the other spanked me. It was ostensibly just to steady himself so he could aim better, but it had the unforeseen (for me) effect of increasing my pain tolerance – because whenever the sting on my ass got too intense, I would just reroute my focus to my partner’s warm hand on my back. That touch felt so loving compared to the wallops of pain his other hand was serving up, and even that small cognitive adjustment helped me tune out the pain and focus on the affection that fuelled it.

I’ve sometimes found it helpful to bite my lip or dig my nails into my arm while getting spanked, because that less-intense pain helped draw my focus away from the spanking when it became almost too much to bear. A similar effect is achieved when a partner lets me hold a vibrator against my clit while they hit me, or allows me to grind against their lap.

Even if there’s no deliberate touch going on except for the pain, you can still focus on other tactile sensations: the bed underneath you holding up your weight, your clothes (if any) sliding against your skin, a collar tight against your throat. You can bring your mind back to the pain when you’re ready, but tuning it out for even just a few moments can help you get through a difficult interlude when you need to.

What strategies do you like for enduring (or helping a partner endure) consensual pain?

25 Amazing Sexual Experiences I Had At Age 25

Kate Sloan

I’m 26 today, babes! The past few years have been good to me, sex-wise: I got real slutty at age 23, learned a lot about my kinks and relationship style at 24, and settled into a more confident sexual existence at 25. To celebrate this minor milestone, here’s a list of 25 amazing sexual experiences I had while I was 25!

1. Dated a sadist. Despite identifying as a masochist for a few years, it wasn’t until just after my 25th birthday that I started seeing someone who self-identified as a sadist. I got spanked/slapped/scratched a lot in that relationship and it was great!

2. Got tied up. Rope bondage is a trip! I’ve dated two different rope aficionados within the past year, and playing with them showed me that being a rope bottom gets me real subspacey real fast. All that pressure, slowness, and focus puts me into a meditative space that’s unlike almost anything else I’ve experienced.

3. Pegged someone. I didn’t think I would like it, but I did. Innnteresting!

4. Used a blowjob mirror. I’ve been reviewing sex toys for over six years and this was one of the most terrifying toys I’ve tested, though it was also supremely satisfying and fun.

5. Experimented with “forced orgasm” play. I tried this with a few different partners and it typically involved them strapping me down and using a strong vibe on me until I couldn’t help but come. Very fun, would recommend!

6. Demo-bottomed for a spanking workshop. I took my dress off in front of a bunch of strangers and got my ass beat, which was… not as nervewracking as I thought it was gonna be. Maybe I have a teensy exhibitionist streak?

7. Dated a daddy dom. A couple of them, actually. DD/lg has been a fixture of my perv-brain for a few years but this was the first year when I actually tried it with real-life partners, and goddd, I love it.

8. Got a professional erotic massage. And actually had an orgasm from it, which I wasn’t expecting! It happened a few days after a breakup, which made it feel even more healing and necessary.

9. Fucked in an alley. I’d made out in many alleys before. I’d gotten spanked in a couple of alleys. This was the first year I actually had sex in an alley. It was lovely.

10. Had sex in my own place. I moved out of my parents’ house last September, and while I haven’t had a ton of sex in my own bedroom since then (tending, instead, to bang at partners’ houses or a local sex club), it was nice to christen my own space with sexual fluids ASAP. A real adulthood milestone!

11. Went to a sex tradeshow as foreplay. When you and your FWB are both huge sex toy nerds, there are few better pre-sex activities than trawling a tradeshow to see what’s new and hot. I bought a vibe and an impact implement, we flirted and giggled and made bad jokes, and then we had incredible sex at a club. A+ day, 10/10, would do again.

12. Got collared. Collars have been an important kink symbol to me for a long time but I’d never had one that was linked to a specific partner and made me “theirs.” My Sir had never collared anyone before me, either, so it was a super special thing for both of us when he put a collar on me in a Brooklyn hotel room just before we went to see my favorite band and exchanged our first I-love-you’s. So romantic!

13. Tried knifeplay. My pal Dick Wound is a hell of a knife top, so we negotiated some scenes so I could lightly explore my burgeoning interest in knives. It was scary, but in a safe, fun, consensual way. Oh, and a hot way. That, too.

14. Got spanked with a lightsaber. And also a butcher’s cleaver. (Which one would you guess hurt more?)

15. Did educational cam shows. I’ve long offered cam shows of the typically titillating variety, but this year I had a client who genuinely wanted to learn about vulvovaginal anatomy, so I got to patiently demonstrate and explain how I touch myself. Such a fun time!

16. Had a sugar daddy. This was a specific flavor of submission I had never sampled before, and wow, it was exhilarating. Money is so tied up in our personal psychology that I found it was easy to make it sexy, even though I’d never viewed it that way before.

17. Had actually good phone sex. Um, shout-out to people who have a way with dirty talk, because a) I sure don’t, and b) they can make me come really hard. Enough said.

18. Finally had sex with someone after a whole month of only sexting and phone sex. Love a good slow burn, am I right? It turns out you can fuck someone a whole lot better if you have a month’s worth of their sexy communiqué to refer to.

19. Shined a partner’s shoes. I will write about this in more detail when my head stops spinning from the incredible, meditative subspace it put me into. Neither of us had tried bootblacking in any context before, and once we did it together, we knew immediately that we liked it a lot.

20. Played with my wink kink more deliberately. Being winked at, in the right context, has long turned me on, but I’ve rarely had partners who knew how to harness that power to their advantage. My current boyfriend sure does, though. Winking as flirting, winking as foreplay, winking as a hypnotic induction… Woof.

21. Got hypnotized. A whole bunch. Ohhh, it’s so relaxing and hot. I love it.

22. Gave a BJ purely for my own pleasure. This experiment was inspired by my friend Caitlin K. Roberts and a Masters and Johnson concept she taught me about, “sensate focus.” It’s the practice of touching someone else for your own tactile enjoyment, and it can be transformative. I’d never given a blowjob quite like this before, and it really shifted my perspective on oral sex in general!

23. Sucked a dick through a glory hole. Granted, it’s not quite the Full Glory Hole Experience™ if you know exactly whose dick you’re sucking (or at least, I’m sure some purists would argue that), but I was still glad I got to try it. It’s been a fantasy of mine for a long time.

24. Received electrostimulation. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about getting painfully zapped with a Neon Wand, but, like many other forms of kinky pain, it made me subspacey and happy. And I’ll never forget how gleeful I got watching my boyfriend painstakingly try out each attachment on his own arm at various different settings to make sure he knew what he’d be inflicting on me before he did it. Swoon-o-rama.

25. Got “treated for hysteria,” i.e. did a medical-play scene centered around the Victorian notion of “female hysteria” being curable by manual and mechanical clitoral stimulation until “hysterical paroxysm.” The image of my boyfriend in a vaguely doctor-esque white T-shirt telling me, “That’s right, Kate, let go, let it happen” while holding a Doxy to my clit is forever burned into my brain…

What’s the most amazing thing you did when you were 25?

Review: Maddie’s Dungeon paddle and flogger

Kate Sloan

I will admit, it is tricky for me, a fairly vanilla (though extremely sex-positive) person, to write a proper review on implements of kink. I’m very aware of the fact that my perspective is probably going to be different from that of the target audience of these products. But I will write this anyway, because Maddie’s Dungeon was nice enough to send me a couple of lovely handmade spanking tools, and I want to tell you about them.

Of the two items, the oak paddle is definitely my favorite. There’s nothing fancy about this paddle – it’s just a smoothly-cut piece of wood with an easy-to-hold handle and a removable wrist strap – but it serves as an excellent reminder of why simplicity is a good thing. It gets the job done.

I thought my first foray into being spanked with a paddle would be significantly more painful than just getting spanked with a hand, but the paddle doesn’t change the amount of pain – just the kind of pain. My boyfriend’s hand produces a thuddy, dull pound, whereas the oak paddle is much more sting-y. I like both sensations a lot, and they both transmit vibration into my pussy – yum.

My boyfriend had primarily two comments on his experience using the paddle: he wondered about the usefulness of the wrist strap (I’ve been using it to hang the paddle from my curtain rod for storage, but we haven’t found another use for it) and he liked that the paddle is wide enough that he can hit both my asscheeks at the same time.

The major flaw of this paddle is that the wood isn’t treated with varnish. Apparently it’s thinly coated in mineral oil, but this doesn’t do much in terms of smoothing it out. I’m slightly worried about splinters with this one – I think Maddie’s Dungeon could vastly improve their wooden goods by giving them a coating in wooden salad bowl finish, or something like NobEssence’s “Lubrosity.”

As for the leather flogger (I can’t find the exact same one in their shop, but this one is close enough) – I don’t like it as much. I guess that’s to be expected, given that I’ve barely stuck my toe into the ocean of kink… but it’s not just that. My boyfriend and I both feel that it’s not very sexy-looking, with its pale grey half-braided falls and its messily-wrapped handle.

The flogger does sting, though, as it should, and it’s easy to wield. I think we’ll mostly be sticking to the paddle, however, since it feels more intimate and the level of pain is easier to control – plus, I just think it looks cuter in my boyfriend’s hand.

Thanks very much to Maddie’s Dungeon for donating some of their beautiful wares for review! Check out their paddles, crops and floggers if you’re looking to explore your inner painslut.